Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S05E09 — Mac and Dennis Break Up

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 5, Episode 9 — Mac and Dennis Break Up

#1
Dee. Dee. Dee. Dee.

#2
Sweet Dee. Sweet Dee. Sweet Dee. Sweet Dee. Hey!

#3
Sweet Dee. Sweet Dee. Sweet Dee. Sweet Dee. Sweet Dee.

#4
What? Hey.

#5
Hey- Oh- What the hell is this?

#6
Oh, yeah.

#7
- Uh-oh. - And so it begins.

#8
- Mmm. - What are you talking about? I got a cat. So what?

#9
Congratulations, Dee. You've begun your transformation into crazy cat lady.

#10
I didn't begin a transformation. I just- I just got a cat...

#11
'cause I wanted something to hang out with.

#12
I don't have, you know, a roommate or anything,

#13
and I don't really have anyone to talk to, so I...

#14
If you listen to yourself, you would realize you're only strengthening our argument.

#15
What do you want? We need a big bowl for popcorn.

#16
- Yeah! - Mac and Dennis movie night!

#17
Whoosh! Tuesday night's movie night!

#18
We're doing Predator again.

#19
You guys don't have a bowl? Um...

#20
We don't have a big one, no. Not a big enough one for what we need, Dee.

#21
All right! Be careful! Come on!

#22
These cups suck. You serious?

#23
Yeah. Oh! Bingo.

#24
Yeah, you found it. Nice.

#25
Why did you guys have to both come over here to get one bowl?

#26
It's more fun if we both come. I was gonna hold the bowl.

#27
Dennis was gonna stand next to me and make snide comments. Yeah. That's right.

#28
Oh, you look like a bird. That's one. Uh- Old.

#29
Pick a new one. You got a new one? It's an oldie but goodie.

#30
- He comes up with good ones. - Yeah, no. That was a good one.

#31
I don't understand why you can't make snide remarks and hold a bowl at the same time though.

#32
It doesn't make sense. You're fixating too much on the bowl aspect of it.

#33
Put it this way. If the two of us didn't come together,

#34
what if one of us were to get into a jam? Mmm.

#35
Be silly not to have the other one there.

#36
Silly? Dennis, that sounds downright dangerous. Yeah.

#37
See, you'll never get out of a jam because you got no friends. Well, you're a spinster.

#38
Mm-hmm. A lonely spinster.

#39
With a cat.

#40
Those are all funny.

#41
It's funny 'cause I feel like you guys are two codependent losers...

#42
who are so wrapped up in each other...

#43
that it's hard for you to see how pathetic your lives are.

#44
It's like you're an old married couple.

#45
No, Dee. We're more like a dynamic duo.

#46
So you don't think that two 30-year-old men...

#47
who spend every waking moment together is a little bit pathetic?

#48
Well, we don't spend every waking moment together.

#49
- What are you, crazy? - You're right. I'm sorry.

#50
When was the last time you went more than an hour without seeing each other?

#51
All the time. Every day.

#52
- Okay. Without checking in? - Ch- Checking. That's...

#53
Uh-huh. He always checks in with me.

#54
Yeah, yeah, yeah. He likes to have me check in, but it's not like...

#55
Okay. Enjoy that movie, boners.

#56
She doesn't know anything about friendship, dude.

#57
No. How could she? She doesn't have any friends.

#58
"Old married couple." That's what she called...

#59
- Hey-oh. - Yo, where you been?

#60
What do you mean? I was getting the movie.

#61
Yeah, but you weren't answering any of my calls.

#62
I've been calling you... sort of over and over again.

#63
I was having a conversation with the video store clerk.

#64
Yeah, but I texted you 911, dude. That means it's an emergency.

#65
Yeah, I saw that. Yeah.

#66
Uh, what was the emergency, Mac? Well, I couldn't get in touch with you, dude.

#67
I almost called the police. The police?

#68
I mean, that's a bit of an overreaction.

#69
I was gone for what, an hour? Yeah, but I thought we had a deal.

#70
You know, you would check in every once in a while,

#71
and then that way I would know that you were okay.

#72
Okay. I- I'm okay.

#73
Uh, I'm sorry. Can we watch the movie?

#74
Yeah. Great. Sure. Yeah.

#75
The Transporter 2?

#76
Yeah, I- Look, man. I-I-I...

#77
I know you wanted to see Predator again,

#78
but I feel like we've seen that 30 times in the last two months...

#79
and thought maybe we could mix things up.

#80
Video store clerk guy said this movie's awesome, so...

#81
The video store... clerk guy. I feel like you won't...

#82
stop talking about him.

#83
Huh. I asked him for a movie recommendation, okay?

#84
Yeah. And you got one. It's really not that big of a deal.

#85
Well, the big deal, Dennis, is that I wasn't even consulted on the decision. Okay?

#86
And this is a big deal to me as well. It's also my night.

#87
Plus, Transporter 2? We haven't seen Transporter 1,

#88
which means we'll be completely lost.

#89
I doubt it. Plus Jason Statham's physique...

#90
is nothing like the lineup in Predator.

#91
Okay, stop. I don't want to have conversations anymore...

#92
about dudes' physiques, and whether they can...

#93
Dennis, in body mass alone...

#94
That's what I was trying to avoid- a conversation about body mass, okay?

#95
We've had that conversation five times a day for the last month...

#96
because we keep watching Predator, and all you talk about is Weathers...

#97
and-and-and Jesse "the Body" Ventura and how many pounds they can pack on.

#98
It's important to pack on mass. You're talking about carbo-loading.

#99
I don't want to have this conversation with you anymore.

#100
No. You'd rather have conversations with video store clerks.

#101
You know what, man? If you don't want to watch the movie with me, that's fine.

#102
I will watch it by myself. Goddamn it!

#103
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where is this coming from?

#104
I have been thinking a lot about what Dee said, and I do think...

#105
maybe we are spending a little bit too much time together.

#106
Wh-What are you saying?

#107
I'm saying that I feel like we're in a little bit of a rut, and...

#108
I feel like I'm not...

#109
flourishing.

#110
Well, far be it from me to, uh,

#111
keep the flower of you from flourishing, but, uh,

#112
I guess I'll grab my shit and stay at Charlie's. Wait.

#113
Don't do that.

#114
I... feel like I'm the one that got us into this mess.

#115
Okay. So you'll stay at Charlie's then. No.

#116
You should stay there...

#117
because you already said that you would.

#118
Also, I have more stuff.

#119
It'll take me longer to pack, and it'll be easier.

#120
Hi. I'm responding to a missing persons report.

#121
I'll pack my things.

#122
Hey!

#123
Hey-oh!

#124
What's the matter with you? What are you doing here?

#125
- I came to hang out with you. - I thought it was movie night.

#126
Yeah, it is movie night. But, uh, Mac and I are taking a little bit of a break.

#127
I was thinking about what you were saying.

#128
You were right. I wasn't spending enough time by myself.

#129
I wasn't being an independent individual. I wasn't flourishing.

#130
So let's watch the movie together, you and me.

#131
I'm kind of in the middle of something with my cat right now.

#132
Oh. Okay. Well, yeah. I like cats. Let's bring him into the mix.

#133
Uh, can't do that. He is... in the wall somewhere.

#134
- He's in the wall? - Yeah. I think he got into the wall.

#135
Wow. Well, that's a bummer.

#136
But I'm sure he'll come out at some point.

#137
Got himself in there. I'm sure he'll get himself out.

#138
Or he won't, and he'll die in there, and you'll have a dead cat smell for a while.

#139
But listen, I'm gonna help you out of that jam.

#140
Open the windows and get some scented candles going,

#141
maybe get a big fan in here...

#142
and then he'll decompose and everything will be fine.

#143
Boom! That's what it's like to have a sidekick. Helped you out of a jam.

#144
In the meantime, let's watch the movie. I want to- I want to...

#145
Just want to watch a movie... with you.

#146
Could we do that?

#147
Why don't you just put your trash into a trash can?

#148
I put it in the trash can when I'm ready to take it outside, dude.

#149
Yeah, but you could skip a step by first putting it into the can.

#150
And you can shut the hell up, man.

#151
Okay. And Jesus Christ, Frank. Are you cutting your toenails with a steak knife?

#152
I suppose you have a problem with that too?

#153
Ah! Oh! Oh! Botched toe! I botched that one.

#154
Oh, that's a botch job. That's bleeding.

#155
I need some trash to plug up the cut.

#156
Do not plug an open wound with trash.

#157
- Well, it's bleeding like a sieve. - Then use your sock, bro.

#158
Don't waste a good sock on a tiny little cut. Sock.

#159
I'll find you a candy wrapper if you give me a second. Oh.

#160
Oh. Oh, wait a minute.

#161
That's- That's working. Oh, it's acting like a cut glove.

#162
Ah! Unbelievable, dude. Waste of a sock.

#163
There are so many things that are gonna need to change now that I'm living here.

#164
Are you hearing this shit, bro?

#165
Well, you know, he's got some good ideas. What?

#166
- Maybe it wouldn't be bad if he moved in. - Are you serious, dude?

#167
I could use a little structure in my life here. No, man.

#168
Look at all the trash all over the place. Oh, I love the trash.

#169
He's cleaning up the trash. Mmm...

#170
I don't want struc-

#171
Uh- Eh- Is that Dennis?

#172
I don't know who it is. I haven't answered the phone.

#173
Are you gonna answer it though, because- Okay. Unbelievable, dude.

#174
- I'm just gonna get it. Hello? - Hey, buddy. How you doing?

#175
Oh, Mac is being annoying as shit. That him?

#176
Oh, Mac's being annoying? That's a big surprise.

#177
He bossing you around a whole bunch? Totally bossing me around.

#178
Yeah. Typical. It's what he does. It's what he does.

#179
- Did he mention me? - No.

#180
No? Really? He didn't say anything at all about me or...

#181
What is this, dude? Did you call me just to talk about Mac?

#182
Okay, 'cause I don't want to talk about Mac with you. Is he talking about me?

#183
-No, no, no, no. Tell him I'm not talking about him at all. -I'm not telling him shit, dude.

#184
I'm gonna hang up the phone on you. No, no, Charlie.

#185
Don't hang up the phone. I didn't call to talk about Mac. I swear to God, dude.

#186
Please. Come on. I could care less about that guy. Are you kidding me?

#187
Called to talk to you. Wanted to see if you wanted to come over to Dee's apartment.

#188
- We're doing a movie night. - Charlie, hang up the phone.

#189
Oh, my God, dude. I'll be right over. Hang up the phone.

#190
Yes! Yeah! Yes!

#191
Yes. Yeah.

#192
Hey, Dee. Charlie's coming over.

#193
I don't care.

#194
Ah, shit. I don't care either.

#195
I am so excited to watch this movie without Mac.

#196
He is so annoying. He's always constantly critiquing the fight scenes...

#197
and talking about how he could choreograph the fight scenes...

#198
so much better than they could, which is ridiculous.

#199
- He doesn't know shit. - Ooh! Dennis, I pinpointed him.

#200
Dee, will you forget the goddamn cat for a second...

#201
and listen to all the interesting things I have to say?

#202
You're being the worst sidekick right now.

#203
No, you're being the worst sidekick.

#204
I thought sidekicks were supposed to help each other out of jams.

#205
What? I did help you out of the jam.

#206
I told you what to do with your dead, stinking cat.

#207
No, no, no, no, no. Come on.

#208
Oh! I lost him. I lost him, Dennis. Thanks a lot.

#209
Oh, do me a favor. Peel this apple for me, please?

#210
No! No, I'm not gonna peel an apple for you.

#211
But Mac always does it for me.

#212
Why does Mac peel your apples for you?

#213
He doesn't like for me to eat the apples with the skin on it.

#214
He says the skin's loaded with toxins.

#215
Okay. Well, good news. Mac's not here.

#216
I know he's not here, and that's why I need you to do it for me.

#217
- Please? Please? - Oh, Jesus. Just eat it with the skin on it.

#218
I do not like it with the skin, Dee! I'm not allowed to eat it with the skin!

#219
- I'm not allowed! - Oh, my God!

#220
All right. If you just shut up,

#221
I will peel the apple for you the way that Mac likes you to eat it.

#222
Give it to me. Give it to me!

#223
I'll do it the way that Mac insists. Okay?

#224
Yeah.

#225
Hey-oh! Is that Charlie? Charlie's in the house!

#226
Charlie's in the house! Hey! Hey!

#227
Hey, you want a skinless apple, bud? Yup.

#228
Two skinless apples, Dee. Let's fire the movie up. It's movie night.

#229
- Here's your apple, dick. - All right. Yeah.

#230
Where's mine? Are you kidding me?

#231
Mmm. You can peel your own apple, Charlie.

#232
Mmm. She's in a little bit of a mood because her cat got stuck in the wall.

#233
Cat in the wall, eh? Okay. Now you're talking my language.

#234
I know this game. All right. Catch me up to speed here.

#235
What do we got? You're putting Cheeto fingers all over the wall.

#236
All right. Let's focus, Dee. What's the point of entry here?

#237
That's the thing, Charlie. I've been looking all around this goddamn place. I can't find one.

#238
All right. I've seen this before. You know what happened?

#239
I bet it flattened itself out, went right through a seam in your wall.

#240
I don't think there's anything in the laws of nature that would support that.

#241
Cats do not abide by the laws of nature, all right? Hey.

#242
You don't know shit about ca- We're still gonna watch the movie, right?

#243
Uh- Uh, yeah. Yeah?

#244
I think it's stuck in there. No! It is not stuck.

#245
All right. Let's focus on what's happening with the cat, all right?

#246
It made a conscious decision to go in your wall. Correct?

#247
Really? Absolutely. Absolutely.

#248
It chose to be in there. It wants to be in your wall, Dee.

#249
Thinking about getting some catnip, and I was gonna put it- No, no, no, no.

#250
Don't do that. Don't do that. It's gonna know that's a trap, Dee. Okay?

#251
That's gonna irritate the cat, then it's gonna dig itself down further.

#252
We may never get to it. Okay? You serious?

#253
Let's start thinking like a cat here. All right?

#254
You know, we- we need another cat.

#255
Yes? That's what we need. Here's what we're gonna do.

#256
I'm gonna crack a little hole in your wall- Tiny one. It'll be cool.

#257
And then I'm gonna slip a second cat in with a string tied around it.

#258
Those two will become codependent, then I'll rip the second cat out,

#259
and the first one hopefully- hopefully will follow. Hey, hey. Hey, man.

#260
Hey. I'm sorry. I don't mean to keep bugging you, but you didn't tell me what to do.

#261
I don't care. Do you want me to start it now or wait? I'll wait.

#262
Yeah. Start it. But I want to watch it with you. I will wait.

#263
Just start the movie, man, 'cause I'm having a conversation here!

#264
All day.

#265
All right. Where are we gonna get this other cat? I can get you another cat.

#266
I got followed here by, like, 10 cats.

#267
Yeah, they're starting to follow me these days. Uh-I...

#268
You know, I don't want you to miss the setup.

#269
I got everything- all the groceries, no cat food.

#270
And I bumped into that guy at the video store.

#271
- Beefcake? - Total jerk-off.

#272
Nice.

#273
- Hey! This place is tits! - Yeah, right? Looks good.

#274
Huh? You did a great job. Thank you.

#275
Whoa! Frank! No, no! Oh, God, dude! What?

#276
The skin of those things is riddled with toxins!

#277
Yeah, get it out though.

#278
Get it all out. Yuck!

#279
Whoo! That was a close call. Good save.

#280
Hey, all right. Well, don't touch me with it.

#281
Hey, also- I cleaned out this closet.

#282
I'm telling you, bro, we could fit a mattress in there.

#283
You and Charlie don't have to sleep next to each other anymore.

#284
Well, I- I kind of liked the other arrangement though. That was pretty good.

#285
Yeah. The other arrangement was- was not pretty good.

#286
It was, um...

#287
It was, uh- What- What's the word I'm looking for?

#288
- Crazy. - No, it's not- not crazy. It's like...

#289
- Wackadoo. - No. Just... stop.

#290
Whoa! Wh-What- What are you doing now, dude?

#291
What? I'm taking the toxic skin off.

#292
Yeah, but you're cutting it with your toe knife.

#293
- Who gives a shit? - Frank, that is disgusting.

#294
What- What are you talking about? I'm throwing it out.

#295
- Wait. You're throwing my toe knife out? - The toe knife is gone.

#296
- Why would you do that? - Because you were cutting your fruit with it!

#297
What the hell's going on here? Look, Mac. I mean, look. I...

#298
I think the cleaning up and the throwing the trash away is good, but the...

#299
you know, the sleeping arrangements and the plastic...

#300
and throwing the toe knife out the window, that's...

#301
I'm not gonna put on airs just because I got company.

#302
- So you think not eating cat food is putting on airs? - You betcha!

#303
Look, I gotta take a walk. My head is swimming.

#304
That's fine. Just make sure you, you know, check in. Oh, my.

#305
'Cause I haven't heard from Charlie, and it is getting late.

#306
- Yeah, right. - Okay. Be safe.

#307
Okay, Dee! This little lady is a calico cat.

#308
All calico cats are female.

#309
I'm gonna pop this little girl in your wall here.

#310
She's gonna meet your little fella, they're gonna bond...

#311
and then I'm gonna rip her out and he's gonna come right afterwards.

#312
Are you sure? Mm-hmm.

#313
You hear that?

#314
Uh, I hear a squabble.

#315
Mm-hmm. It's all part of the dance, okay?

#316
They do a little sq- Come on. Wait. Hold on. They do a little...

#317
Uh-oh. Crap.

#318
Thanks a lot, Charlie. Mmm.

#319
Goddamn it. I knew I should've gotten a bird.

#320
A bird? What are you gonna do with a bird? Yeah!

#321
Hey, guys! I swallowed apple seeds!

#322
So what? Are they poisonous?

#323
Are you kidding me, dude? They're extremely poisonous!

#324
They're absolutely not poisonous! Should I make myself throw up?

#325
I would throw up now! Oh, goddamn it!

#326
Apple seeds, man? That's no good. Are you kidding me?

#327
Apple seeds- Yo! Hey.

#328
Oh, hi. Come on in.

#329
So, uh, how's life with Mac?

#330
I'm off him. He's too pushy.

#331
Yeah, no shit. You back on my team?

#332
If there's room for me.

#333
There is always room for you, bud. Give it to me.

#334
Hey, guys! I can't throw up.

#335
Should I stick a finger down my throat? Yes! Oh, my God.

#336
You guys, we gotta-

#337
Oh, man. We gotta get Mac and Dennis back together, okay?

#338
Because they are ruining all of our lives.

#339
What's the situation?

#340
I got two cats stuck inside this wall. Can't get 'em out.

#341
You want to bring in a third? I'm thinking maybe four.

#342
- What? No! No! No! No more cats! - A deep hole...

#343
Frank, get out of here! You're making it worse! Whoa. Back off Frank.

#344
We work very well together, okay? We're the gruesome twosome!

#345
Gruesome twosome!

#346
All right! Okay! I am gonna go and get Mac and Dennis back together.

#347
I'm gonna get a bird, I'm gonna get two cats out of my wall...

#348
and then I'm gonna go back to being alone.

#349
Excuse me. Can you part for one second?

#350
Sure. Thank you. Thank you.

#351
What? He swallowed some apple seeds.

#352
Sit down. What...

#353
- What- - Sit.

#354
What is he doing here?

#355
I was told I would be meeting a woman with giant breasts.

#356
I was also told that I was to meet a woman with giant breasts.

#357
Yes, geniuses. I set you up.

#358
Now, can you please make up, because you're driving everyone crazy.

#359
Look, I'm sorry that I called you codependent, okay?

#360
I think you have a great friendship,

#361
and it's perfectly natural for two grown men to need each other this badly.

#362
So make up, please.

#363
I guess I should...

#364
You son of a bitch! Okay. All right. Okay.

#365
Oh, my God. You know what? Fine.

#366
I don't care anymore. Guess what?

#367
Neither one of you are ever going into my apartment ever again, okay?

#368
So make up, don't make up, kill each other- I don't care.

#369
I need to go get a bird.

#370
She looks like a bird.

#371
I swallowed some apple seeds today.

#372
Did you make yourself throw up?

#373
I tried, but I couldn't.

#374
Smoke some cigarettes. The smoke will suffocate the bacteria in your stomach.

#375
Okay. Thanks.

#376
How was Charlie's?

#377
The way they live, bro, it's...

#378
It's like, um- It's like- Preposterous.

#379
Yeah, dude! Preposterous! Yeah.

#380
I've been trying to come up with that all day! Yeah.

#381
God, dude! This is why you and I are such a good team. You know?

#382
Like, I'm a man of action, and you're a man that comes up with good...

#383
Words? Words, dude!

#384
Okay. Yeah. Great.

#385
You really gotta work on your vocabulary though, man.

#386
Well, you could help me. You couldn't think of the word "words."

#387
Is everything okay here, gentlemen?

#388
Uh, yeah. Everything's fine. Uh, not that it concerns you.

#389
Now might be a good time for you to pay your bill and leave.

#390
Well, you're not making sense 'cause we didn't buy anything.

#391
Actually, I- Oh.

#392
- I had a couple of rum and Cokes. - You had six, actually.

#393
Six? I had six of 'em.

#394
Did you? Yeah. I was nervous about the big-breasted lady.

#395
I- I was nervous about her too. You got nervous too?

#396
A beautiful woman. Dee said she had giant boobs, you know?

#397
I'm really excited about it.

#398
Will that be cash or charge?

#399
I also was assuming that the big-breasted lady was gonna pay for the drinks,

#400
so I don't have any money.

#401
I've got some cash. I can- I can get you out of this jam.

#402
Watch your eyes. What?

#403
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What the hell is going on?

#404
The gruesome twosome in effect!

#405
Yeah. We're bashing a bigger hole in your wall.

#406
- We're gonna stuff all the cats in at one time. - Yeah, I see that.

#407
No more big holes in my wall, no more cats. We're doing the bird thing.

#408
I got one. I tied a string around his teeny, tiny little legs. I'm sending it in.

#409
You're gonna toss a bird in? I'm gonna toss the bird in, Charlie.

#410
- Go ahead, Dee. Toss the bird in. - Check this out. Watch this.

#411
Dinner time. Go on, guy.

#412
Do your thing. All right.

#413
Go on. You got it.

#414
Whoa! Hold on. Hold on. Hold on, guy.

#415
I got you. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

#416
Come on.

#417
Well, congratulations, Dee.

#418
You have some very satisfied cats in there, okay?

#419
Now will you step aside and let the men do the work?

#420
Shut up! Shut up, okay? I got it from here, all right? I'm bashing a hole in my wall.

#421
I'm going in myself. Give me this. Get out of the way.

#422
All right. I'm not kidding. Get the hell out of the way.

#423
Oh. I'm dead serious. I'm going in. I've had enough.

#424
Go for it. Bash away. Bash away.

#425
Whoa! Oh!

#426
- I'm gonna get you, you jerk! - Yeah! Yeah, Deandra!

#427
Come on, kitty.

#428
Oh. Come on.

#429
Okay. I'll get you. I'll get you.

#430
Wait- Oh.

#431
Wow! There are a lot of cats back here!

#432
Yeah. We put a lot of cats in there.

#433
Oh, I'm getting a text. Ooh. Who is it?

#434
Ah, the dynamic duo in effect. Oh, they're back together!

#435
Yeah. All right.

#436
They're watching Predator. You want to join?

#437
Absolutely, dude. Great.

#438
Deandra, we're out of here. Yeah.

#439
Hey, you guys? We're going.

#440
Yeah? You guys, I think I'm stuck in the wall.

#441
That's why she needs a friend. You gotta have a sidekick.

#442
That's all I'm saying. That's all I'm saying.

#443
All right- Oops. Okay, I'm trying to back out, but my shirt's caught on something.

#444
Guys?

#445
Guys? Guys, come on!

#446
ENGLISH - US - PSDH

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