Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S05E10 — The D E N N I S System

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 5, Episode 10 — The D E N N I S System

#1
So, how many restraining orders does the waitress have on you?

#2
A lot, dude. She's been irritated with me.

#3
"You got me fired from the Oldies Rock Café. Guys.

#4
You're gonna get me fired from the coffee shop. " This is incredible.

#5
Listen to this message. Come here. This chick is so in love with me, it's crazy.

#6
Hi, Dennis, it's Caylee.

#7
I was just calling to let you know that I hope you die!

#8
You are obviously a terrible person with no regard for anyone but yourself!

#9
I never, ever want to see you again, you steaming pile of horseshit!

#10
Go to hell!

#11
Whoa, that's amazing. That's the best one yet. Yeah, it's a really good one.

#12
What? She hates your guts.

#13
Dee, this chick is so in love with me, she doesn't even know it.

#14
They don't get it because you haven't explained it to them, bro.

#15
Oh, guys, I have a system, a foolproof system...

#16
for getting any chick's undying love and devotion for life.

#17
What the hell are you talking about, dude?

#18
I'm talking about the D.E.N.N.I.S. System.

#19
Ladies and gentlemen, the D.E.N.N.I.S. System...

#20
is a comprehensive approach to seduction that I have perfected over the years.

#21
See, my success with women does not solely stem from my good looks and my charm.

#22
There is a careful, systemic approach...

#23
that has allowed me to become the playboy that I am today.

#24
- A playboy? Is that how you see yourself? - Yes.

#25
He has banged a lot of chicks. Just shut up, Dee. Shut up.

#26
Now, the first step to any erotic conquest is to "D"- demonstrate your value.

#27
In this most recent case my subject was Caylee, a cute pharmacist.

#28
I demonstrated my value to her by filling a prescription.

#29
I told her, "It's for my grandmother. She's quite ill."

#30
Thus demonstrating my value as a loving grandson and an all-around great guy.

#31
- You're forging prescriptions now? - That's the easy part, Dee.

#32
I would've gone in and bought a box of magnum condoms,

#33
thus demonstrating that I have a monster dong.

#34
Right. That comes of a little bit desperate, Frank.

#35
Now, if you want to have a magnum condom peeking out of your wallet when you go to pay,

#36
that's a different story.

#37
- Oh, yeah. - Now let's move on.

#38
Once you've demonstrated your value, you are going to want to ask her out.

#39
Once you've asked her out, you move on to "E."

#40
"Engage physically."

#41
I personally try to engage the girl physically without ever going on the date,

#42
which to me is really just a waste of time and money.

#43
I'll tell her I know this great little restaurant that doesn't take reservations.

#44
That makes it sound cool, makes it sound exclusive.

#45
And then when we get to the restaurant, the restaurant is closed,

#46
as, of course, it always is on Sundays.

#47
So I'll feign surprise and say something along the lines of,

#48
"I guess we could grab a pizza and watch a movie at my place."

#49
That's where I come in. Oh, you're a part of this?

#50
Oh, yeah. Mac has a very special place in my system.

#51
Yeah. You see, I'm on the couch when they come in and ask to be alone.

#52
- Then I say- - I can't go in my room. I found a black widow spider in there.

#53
Dennis fires back that he wants some privacy so that they can get to know each other better.

#54
- And then I say- - Oh. Well, I guess we could eat the pizza on my bed...

#55
and watch the DVD in my room.

#56
And once we're on my bed, it is game over.

#57
I engage her physically and the sexual waltz begins.

#58
Pizza's good. You're the one that's good.

#59
Smooth! Very- Very smooth stuff. Very classy.

#60
I'm learning a lot from you right now, dude.

#61
Okay. Now, once you've had sex with a woman, she will naturally start to depend on you. Okay?

#62
All women do this.

#63
They certainly do. You got that right.

#64
Sex with women!

#65
Once you bang 'em, you know- Like that.

#66
Right. Right.

#67
Which brings me to the first "N."

#68
"Nurturing Dependence."

#69
You're gonna want to nurture that dependence that she's feeling on you now, guys.

#70
Have her car towed.

#71
Or you can slash her tires.

#72
Either way, make her depend on you for rides.

#73
Or you can use my personal go-to,

#74
which is to create a fictional, angry neighbor who is threatening her...

#75
and tell her you'll take care of him.

#76
Hit up a pay phone so that she can't trace the calls back to you.

#77
Give her a call and say something along the lines of...

#78
I'm watching you, you bitch. You're gonna die tonight!

#79
Oh, for Christ's sake! You're a complete sociopath!

#80
Don't interrupt. Okay?

#81
Now, if you've completed all the other steps properly up to this point,

#82
she'll naturally want to take the relationship to the next level.

#83
But you're not gonna do that. You're gonna do the exact opposite.

#84
Pull back, guys. Pull back.

#85
Which brings me to the second "N," "Neglect Emotionally."

#86
You stop taking her phone calls.

#87
Cancel all your plans.

#88
Maybe that fictional, angry neighbor that you've simulated comes back,

#89
and this time you're not around to cool him off.

#90
Hello?

#91
Welcome to hell!

#92
This will frighten the shit out of her.

#93
Okay? And she'll start getting really mixed up because you're not there to protect her.

#94
She'll start questioning her self-worth,

#95
start questioning her- her self-esteem.

#96
And that's the perfect time to "I"...

#97
"Inspire Hope."

#98
In Caylee's case, I went to her window and I screamed...

#99
Caylee, listen. Listen. Wait.

#100
I want to tell you that the reason I was distant is because...

#101
I was afraid that you were gonna break my heart...

#102
and I got scared.

#103
But I'm not scared anymore, baby.

#104
I love you. I need you.

#105
And then, naturally, we bang.

#106
# Watchin' every motion in my foolish lover's gaze ##.

#107
And this is the best bang of all because it's very emotional for her.

#108
You see, she thinks she's broken through my tough exterior...

#109
and coerced affection from a man who is afraid to love.

#110
And then I slink out into the night,

#111
never to talk to her again.

#112
"Separate Entirely."

#113
Yes, Mac. That's right.

#114
I "S"...

#115
"Separate Entirely."

#116
D-E-N-N-I-S.

#117
The D.E.N.N.I.S. System.

#118
That, my friends, is the key to winning any girl's heart.

#119
Yeah! All right! Good stuff.

#120
Better than I remember it. Oh, good!

#121
Are you kidding me? You are not winning their hearts.

#122
You're torturing them and they end up hating you.

#123
Actually, Dee, they end up loving me more than they ever thought was possible.

#124
And you set it up so you can get these chicks back at any time?

#125
That's exactly right, Charlie. You're really picking up on this. I'm proud of you, bud.

#126
There is no way that girl is gonna come back to you after what you just put her through.

#127
I could absolutely get that girl back anytime I want. I just choose not to.

#128
I 100% guarantee you this girl's finished with you.

#129
Well, I take that as a challenge, Dee, and I accept that challenge.

#130
- I'll have her back by the end of the day. - Yeah. Dee, you don't get it.

#131
This is what men do! This is what men do! Yeah!

#132
This is man stuff, Dee! Man stuff!

#133
Whee! Man stuff!

#134
- This is what men- - Yee-hoo!

#135
Aah-aah-aah!

#136
You're probably getting D.E.N.N.I.S. 'd right now by that new boyfriend of yours,

#137
and you don't even know it.

#138
What boyfriend? She don't have a boyfriend! Yes, I do! Ben.

#139
You know, the online soldier that I met. We're back together now.

#140
What? That dude wouldn't date you after what you put him through!

#141
Maybe he'd D.E.N.N.I.S. you, but he wouldn't date you. He's not D.E.N.N.I.S.-ing me!

#142
He's in the car right now. I told him to wait for me.

#143
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What?

#144
So, wait. Your guy has been waiting out here the whole time in the hot sun?

#145
Yeah. I told him to wait for me. He kinda does whatever I say. It's pretty great.

#146
Why'd you tell him to do it with the windows up? That's cruel. The engine's not even on.

#147
I didn't. I just didn't tell him to do it with the windows down. He's not the smartest, but...

#148
Dee, it's, like, 100 degrees outside.

#149
I'm assuming that he has engaged you physically?

#150
Well, I mean, of course we've engaged physically.

#151
Look at that body. It is stupid.

#152
Of course we've engaged over and over physically.

#153
But that doesn't mean that he's pulling some sort of a system.

#154
Hey, guys! Hey- Hey, Dee! I didn't see you there. Are you almost done?

#155
Yeah. Yeah. I got caught up in a story. But I'll be done pretty soon.

#156
O-O-Okay. Well, do you want me to come in?

#157
No. No, I don't. No. You just- You just stay where you are.

#158
You know what? I'll text you when I'm wrapping up.

#159
Then you can crank the A.C. , cool the car off for me. Okay. Sure thing.

#160
See you, fellas. Okay. Good. See you, man.

#161
Dee, you're getting played. You're getting played big time.

#162
He's not doing anything. Big time!

#163
He's just- I told him to sit...

#164
And there you go. Good to see you. See you soon. Bye.

#165
- Hey, Caylee. - What do you want?

#166
Listen, before you say anything,

#167
I just want to say that I'm really sorry for everything that went down between us.

#168
It's all my fault.

#169
Nana took a turn for the worse,

#170
and it's got me in a really bad place.

#171
I just...

#172
I don't know what I would do if she died.

#173
I don't think your grandmother exists, Dennis.

#174
I beg your pardon?

#175
Uh, yeah. I looked into it. There's no, um, Dr. Toboggan in Philadelphia either.

#176
Oh. No- Yeah, he doesn't- He's not based in Philly.

#177
Oh, no? Yeah.

#178
No, it says Philadelphia right there. Oh. Yeah- No, that...

#179
I'm gonna call him because if he's still giving people prescriptions on that pad,

#180
those people could get in a lot of trouble.

#181
Oh! Whoa! What the hell are you doing here?

#182
I'm swooping in on your chick. What? No.

#183
Dude, I'm trying to re-D.E.N.N.I.S. This chick so I can shove it in Dee's face.

#184
What is this "swooping in" business?

#185
Oh, that's my system. The M.A.C. "Move-in After Completion."

#186
I wait till you're done with them.

#187
Then I swoop in, give them shoulder to cry on, and then we hump.

#188
You been humping these girls after I'm done with them? Oh, yeah, dude.

#189
I come in as the sensitive, intellectual type.

#190
Why do you think I'm always reading books and shit when we do the spider routine?

#191
I thought you were just my wing man though. No. No.

#192
I'm swimming in your wake.

#193
- What are you two dickheads doing here? - What are you doing here?

#194
- I'm here for the scraps. - I haven't had a chance to get in there yet, okay? So just...

#195
What's taking you so long?

#196
Wait, wait, wait! You have a system where you come in after Mac?

#197
That's right. I come in after Mac. But he's taking forever this time.

#198
I got my magnum condoms. I got my wad of hundreds. I'm ready to plow.

#199
You should see him feast. He's like a mantis. It's amazing.

#200
Oh, that's good. Call me that from now on.

#201
Mantis. No!

#202
Nobody's calling you Man- Look, you guys gotta back off, okay?

#203
I'm trying to re-D.E.N.N.I.S. This chick. No, you back off!

#204
Wait a second, Frank. He's right. It's a delicate ecosystem.

#205
We gotta stick with it. Just let him do his thing.

#206
Then we'll come in for seconds and scraps. Back off.

#207
Get out. Just play it cool.

#208
Before she sees you. Hurry up, though, because...

#209
Magnum condoms and a wad of hundreds. Idiot.

#210
This is so exciting. You're gonna love this.

#211
Okay, just stop right there. Okay.

#212
And off with the- Okay, here we are!

#213
I set up a picnic for us!

#214
What the hell are you doing?

#215
What- I- I set up a picnic. Do you not like picnics?

#216
Okay. All right. I know what's going on. I- I'm on to you, guy.

#217
You bring me out here to some landfill in the middle of nowhere,

#218
you blindfold me so I have no idea where I am...

#219
I'm gonna depend on you to get home!

#220
Dee, do you want to go? Yeah. Oh, yeah. I wanna go, but not with you!

#221
I'll go all by myself. I'll take the bus. Okay.

#222
And I'll also take this. Thank you. Here. Do you want a glass?

#223
No! Stop it! Do you need bus fare?

#224
I don't need bus fare! I'm not sure the bus comes out here anyway.

#225
- I'll walk then, okay? - Wh- In your heels? They're very nice.

#226
- Here, take my boots. - Stop it! Stop trying to make me depend on you, okay?

#227
I'm fine all by myself, buddy! I'm doing just fine by myself.

#228
Oh, my God! Are you okay?

#229
I'm fine!

#230
Well, just stay there. I'm gonna come down to help.

#231
Leave me alone! I won't give you the satisfaction!

#232
I'm fine!

#233
- I'm independent, and I don't need you! - Wait!

#234
I don't need anybody!

#235
Where are you going?

#236
Shut up!

#237
Oh, what the hell!

#238
- Oh, what the hell, Charlie! - Oh, hey! Look who's home!

#239
Uh- Hang on a second. What you doing there? I'm calling the police.

#240
Oh, no! You don't have to call the police. Check it out.

#241
I'm here just to fix your garbage disposal.

#242
Is that a bag of hair in your hand, Charlie?

#243
Have you been breaking into my apartment and shoving hair in my sink?

#244
Okay. Okay! Let's start over. We're getting way of topic here.

#245
I would like you to focus on the amount of value that I am demonstrating to you...

#246
by fixing your garbage disposal.

#247
Just get the hell out of my apartment.

#248
Are you sure? 'Cause your garbage disposal's a mess. Pretty sure.

#249
It's way worse than when I got here. I think you should get out.

#250
All right. I like this blouse you're wearing. That's nice. Is that new?

#251
What is that? It's modern, right?

#252
This is my uniform that I have to wear for my other job, and it's ugly.

#253
Well, no, it's not ugly. It's just, you know- It's unique.

#254
So what's this new job? I work at the fair.

#255
You're working at the fair! Well, look at us, you know?

#256
I'm a plumber. You're a fair worker. They go well together, right?

#257
Get out of my apartment. Oh, all right.

#258
I don't know. I did everything right, and I can't get past the letter "D," dude.

#259
- Well, what did you do exactly? - I broke into her place.

#260
I ripped her sink apart. I brought a bag of hair. You know what I mean?

#261
And I come across looking like a total jerk. Yeah, of course.

#262
Because nothing that you just described sounds correct.

#263
These are totally the type of things you were talking about- slashing a girl's tires,

#264
doing scary voices.

#265
- Do you know anything about plumbing? - Uh... no.

#266
Maybe it's just over my head, this system. Maybe I should just stick to stalking.

#267
Maybe that's my system. She got a job at the fair. It could be fun to stalk around a fair.

#268
Jesus Christ on the cross, you look like shit.

#269
Yeah! That's 'cause I spent the night in the woods trying to demonstrate my independence!

#270
Okay, clearly none of you have any idea how to run my system!

#271
Goddamn- All right. I'm gonna get everybody what they want, including myself.

#272
Let me just think for a second.

#273
Let me just work something out here and then... we'll...

#274
What's he doing?

#275
Just shut up and let him work.

#276
We're going to the fair.

#277
Mmm!

#278
That will provide the perfect setting for all of our needs to be met.

#279
You will demonstrate your value to the waitress by winning a prize at her booth.

#280
Good, dude! Then I give her the prize and that's good!

#281
No, that's dead wrong actually.

#282
You're gonna take the prize and award it to the bustiest woman you can find. Okay?

#283
Your indifference to the waitress will only make you more attractive to her.

#284
Now, Dee, because of your ridiculous missteps, you actually have no value.

#285
Mm-hmm. So your only hope is to lower Ben's value.

#286
You're gonna do this by flirting with a carney in front of him.

#287
Oh, gosh, yeah, I don't know if I want to deal with a carney.

#288
No one likes dealing with carneys, and that's why Frank will pose as one.

#289
Now, Mac, you're the final piece in this puzzle.

#290
I need you to resume your role as the thoughtful roommate and invite Caylee out to the fair.

#291
There I shall be waiting to win back her heart.

#292
- How you gonna do that? - I gotta get myself a grandmother.

#293
What's happening?

#294
What's happening is, we're at the fair, Gladys,

#295
and you're gonna act like my grandma, okay?

#296
My grandmother had an affair with Susan B. Anthony.

#297
I-I don't give a shit. I'm paying you not to talk.

#298
Well, hello! This is a coincidence, huh?

#299
No, it's not. No, it's not. But it's exciting, isn't it?

#300
So, what game do we have here? What game is this?

#301
Speed Pitch. That's all you do? You throw a pitch?

#302
I mean, what prizes are there?

#303
There are no prizes, Charlie.

#304
It's just to see "how fast can you throw." Oh!

#305
Then I guess I'll demonstrate my value to you by firing off a wicked hot fastball, huh?

#306
You know this game is for children, right?

#307
I don't care that it's for kids. All right? Let me demonstrate my value to you. Please!

#308
When I was little, all the kids would beat me up and call me Bookworm.

#309
- Right this way, Nana. - Kids are so brutal.

#310
Oh. Hi, Mac, Caylee. I didn't see you there.

#311
- What are you doing here? - This is my nana.

#312
She's on the mend, so I wanted to get her out of the house.

#313
- This is your grandmother? - Oh, yeah. Yeah. This is Nana. Yeah. Isn’t she precious?

#314
My grandmother was a lesbian.

#315
Well? How does it look?

#316
It's great. You look like a lizard.

#317
I like turtles. Okay.

#318
Ooh, look! A carney!

#319
## Ooh! Eh. Frank! Hey, Frank! What are you doing?

#320
Lose the tie. You're way overdressed. I got a new angle.

#321
What? No, Dennis, this does not change...

#322
Leave us alone. What? What? Just listen to me for one second, okay?

#323
Dennis, I've been looking all over for you. Where you been?

#324
Hello. Dr. Toboggan. Nice to meet you. Hi.

#325
Frank, what are you doing?

#326
Actually, it's Mantis. Mantis Toboggan, M.D.

#327
I got your test results. You're positive. You got the H.I.V.

#328
Yes, AIDS. Big time! What the hell you talking about?

#329
Dennis, what- You got the AIDS big time!

#330
What are you doing, dude? Did you see her face? Look at her.

#331
I'm breaking her down. I'm making her feel worthless. You see?

#332
She thinks she's got the H. I.V. Then I slip in.

#333
- ## Get it? - There is an order here, dude! Get back in line!

#334
No! No more thirds for Frankie! Seconds from now on!

#335
All right! That was rough!

#336
Fifteen. Fifteen.

#337
It's 'cause I'm getting tired. My arm's blown out.

#338
Hey, Speed Pitch. You want to play? Okay.

#339
Oh! Hey, wait, wait. Hey, guy. Do you work here?

#340
Yeah. Yeah! Oh, shit. Ben, look. A carney.

#341
Hey.

#342
So, I wonder if there's a kissing booth anywhere close.

#343
Sixty-four!

#344
Ow! Ow!

#345
Ow, you stabbed me! He stabbed me with a key!

#346
Will someone- someone call a doctor! Ow!

#347
You idiot! Why would you stab me? I was flirting with you!

#348
That guy paid me to.

#349
You weren't supposed to stab her, man! You were supposed to stab her!

#350
What? You want to have me stabbed?

#351
I was gonna protect you from the stabbing.

#352
Wrong! Wrong!

#353
Wrong! Wrong!

#354
You're supposed to let her get stabbed, hope that it hits a main artery,

#355
and then as she's dying you nurse her back to health,

#356
thereby making her totally dependent on you! Ohh!

#357
See, this is why nobody should be going off my system!

#358
What do you mean, "Off your system?"

#359
My system of seduction that I used to win your heart,

#360
that these idiots are ruining right now!

#361
Ben's the only one who's using it properly.

#362
- Ben, explain the system. - I don't know what you're talking about.

#363
You had your face painted like a goddamn frog person and you have no ulterior motive here?

#364
- I'm a lizard. - Oh, whoops! Oh!

#365
I dropped my monster condom that I use for my magnum dong.

#366
I'm out of here.

#367
I'll give you a ride! Thank you.

#368
What? What are you doing? I'm leaving.

#369
Dee, I don't like you. Well, how is that possible?

#370
You're a mean person.

#371
You know what? You go! You get outta here!

#372
Way to go, jerks! Good job! Yeah? Way to go to you.

#373
You work at a fair, carney! Don't call her a carney, man.

#374
I don't need you to take up for me! Get out of here!

#375
Shut up! Just go! Get outta here! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

#376
Idiots ruining my system. Everybody ruins my system! Nobody gets it!

#377
Oh, system, my ass. I hate carnivals.

#378
I need a ride.

#379
Is there anybody out there that could take me home?

#380
ENGLISH - US - PSDH

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