Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S05E11 — Mac and Charlie Write a Movie

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 5, Episode 11 — Mac and Charlie Write a Movie

#1
Now keep in mind,

#2
we've been locked in this parking garage stairwell for, like, 20 minutes, dude.

#3
Okay, so then we turn around, and what do we see?

#4
A scary homeless dude. And I'm, like, "Oh, shit! " Yeah! And I'm like, uh...

#5
You know- I'm like, "What do we- What do we do?" You know?

#6
And then Mac, he's just like, "Just chill. " And I'm like, "How do we chill, dude?"

#7
Yeah. And I'm all, "Oh, shit! He's gonna talk now!"

#8
Yeah. And I'm all like, "How do you know he's gonna talk, bro?"

#9
And I'm like, "Because his mouth is opening. " And then he did talk.

#10
Yeah. And then he goes- he goes, "I'll let you out of the stairwell...

#11
'cause I have the key, because I'm the security guard instead."

#12
That's a cool story, huh? Yeah, right?

#13
Okay, so, uh...

#14
Just so I'm clear on the story that you just told. Yeah.

#15
It was about you guys getting locked in a garage stairwell for 20 or so minutes.

#16
Yeah. And then a security guard came along...

#17
and the security guard let you out.

#18
Well, yeah. But...

#19
I mean, it's how you tell the story that makes it good.

#20
How you told the story was by far the worst part of the story.

#21
You weren't even paying attention to us, dude.

#22
All you were doing was playing on that stupid phone.

#23
Why are you rubbing on the phone? Let me rub on it.

#24
What are you doing? No, no, no! Hey, hey, Frank!

#25
Get your greasy, fat, sausage fingers of my touch screen phone.

#26
This thing's new. My fingers are not greasy.

#27
Uh, you have four sausage links in your pocket right now.

#28
Yeah, but I don't touch the sausage links.

#29
Why should I do that when I can let my shirt do the work? Watch.

#30
Hmm. No touching, and warm. My God. You're an animal.

#31
Guess what, boners. I just got a part in an M. Night Shyamalan movie.

#32
- What? - Yeah. I'm a featured actress,

#33
which means I'm gonna be featured in a scene.

#34
What's an M. Night? Wow. Gross.

#35
M. Night Shyamalan, the Indian filmmaker from Philly.

#36
Oh, my God. This dude's a big deal, Frank.

#37
He's like a true-to-life Slumdog Millionaire. You know what I mean?

#38
He always puts some awesome twists at the end of his movies to trick the audience.

#39
Oh, yeah, yeah, like in The Sixth Sense.

#40
You find out that the dude in that hairpiece the whole time...

#41
- That's Bruce Willis- the whole movie. - That's not the twist.

#42
That's not the twist to that movie. That wasn't?

#43
No. I'll tell you about it later.

#44
There were a lot of twists in that movie. Watch it again.

#45
You know what? You're gonna need a very crafty agent...

#46
to squeeze everything out of this slumdog.

#47
I volunteer. And I decline.

#48
You are abusive and you smell like warm meat...

#49
and I want you to leave me alone 'cause this is really important for me.

#50
This is important for all of us, okay?

#51
This is an opportunity for Charlie and I to get M. Night our script.

#52
Right. Since when do you and Charlie have a script?

#53
Since you walked in here and said you were in that movie. We're great storytellers.

#54
No, goddamn it! No, come on. Don't involve yourselves in this.

#55
Dee, you involved us in this the second you walked in and told us about the movie.

#56
You really shouldn't have done that. Let's get to work!

#57
Oh, oh, hoo!

#58
Let's get some beer. Dude. Yeah!

#59
Goddamn it.

#60
Whoa, whoa. Excuse me. Can I help you?

#61
Oh, great. Nonfat, sugar free, vanilla soy latte. Three shots, no foam.

#62
Also, why don't you let me in here so I can start my vocal warm-ups?

#63
I'm sorry. Who are you again? Dee Reynolds, featured actress.

#64
Reynolds? Yeah.

#65
And could you send M. Night over also,

#66
because I have a couple questions regarding the detes of my character.

#67
Right. Says you're a featured extra.

#68
Okay. Well, featured extra, featured actress. What's the difference?

#69
Well, the difference is...

#70
a featured actress usually auditions for the role, has lines, gets a trailer,

#71
whereas a featured extra is a person whose head shot we pull off a pile,

#72
has no lines and sits in that tent over there till we're ready for her.

#73
Okay? Mmm. Okay. Ah, ah, ah, ah...

#74
Where are we on the coffee situation,

#75
because it's early and I am hungover.

#76
Go sit in the tent. Now. This tent?

#77
That one. Thank you. Are you sure?

#78
This is hard. Mmm.

#79
I mean, because I want the movie to be big, you know, and, like, a box office smash...

#80
and we want to put, like, a lot of meat in the seats, you know?

#81
Yeah. You know what I'm thinking, dude? You know what I'm thinking?

#82
Something that's happening in Hollywood that's, like, pretty cool.

#83
They take an underrated actor, right, whose career is in a slump,

#84
and then they make him a star again.

#85
Oh, that is awesome, right? Yeah, let's do that. Yeah.

#86
Yeah. So, who is the most underrated actor of all time?

#87
- It's Dolph Lundgren. - Correct. Why?

#88
Well, because of his spiky hair, his ice-cold demeanor and his big muscles.

#89
Absolutely. Okay. All right. All right, so we have our actor.

#90
- Okay. - That's great. Now we need a really great role for him.

#91
Oh, you know what I was thinking? Scientists are cool.

#92
What if he's a scientist?

#93
Okay, okay. A muscular scientist. I'm into that. Right.

#94
As long as we don't cover up that body with a lab coat, bro. No, dude.

#95
He's wearing, like, a hot mesh tank top.

#96
I like that. Now does he, like, fight crime or something?

#97
Yeah, yeah, yeah. He fights crime, uh, with his brain and his brawn.

#98
Should we be writing this down? Let's get all this down.

#99
All right. This is good. All right.

#100
Okay. Brains- Brawn...

#101
Brawn- Muscles...

#102
Oh! Dude! Yeah?

#103
I just got a Shyamalan twist to put in this bad boy.

#104
Okay. Lay it on me.

#105
What if this scientist runs around on all fours?

#106
Why would he run on all fours?

#107
It's a science experiment with a dog that goes absolutely haywire.

#108
Suddenly he wakes up with the ability to run around like a hound. You know?

#109
We're not making the lead of our big-budget action movie half dog!

#110
No, not half dog. He's all dog.

#111
Then why are we casting Dolph Lundgren?

#112
That will be the twist.

#113
Dolph Lundgren will be the voice of this dog.

#114
That's not a twist! That's a completely different movie...

#115
about a talking-dog scientist with the voice of Dolph Lundgren!

#116
All right. You know what? Check this out.

#117
What if it's a man with a few dog-like qualities, like, uh, heightened sense of smell...

#118
Jesus Christ, Charlie. We're not- There's no- or licking...

#119
Whoa, whoa. Wait a second. A heightened sense of smell?

#120
What if he can smell crime?

#121
What if he smells crime?

#122
Dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude! Yeah?

#123
What if he can smell a crime before it even happens?

#124
Holy shit, dude. That's amazing. Smells crime before it even happens!

#125
Yes, dude!

#126
We're getting somewhere. What if his entire head is just one big nose?

#127
Write that down! I like that!

#128
He's one big nose on Dolph Lundgren's body.

#129
Oh, shit!

#130
Ho! What?

#131
No. No, no, no, no, no. What are you two doing here?

#132
Well, since you've declined my offer to be your agent,

#133
I've since taken on Dennis as a client.

#134
Dennis has that "I don't give a shit" attitude,

#135
which is perfect for Hollywood, right, Dennis?

#136
I-I- I really don't care. See? See?

#137
Why do you want to be everybody's agent?

#138
Because that's where the money is. What do you do?

#139
You just put things together. You sit back, you collect 10%...

#140
and you let the client do all the work.

#141
Dennis doesn't give a shit. Right?

#142
Stop talking to me. Perfect.

#143
Okay. Well, you can't just walk in here and get a part in the movie.

#144
It's not how it works.

#145
Excuse me, sir? Yes?

#146
Uh, could my client have a part in your movie? Sure. Here.

#147
Fill out this form. You do it.

#148
I'll do it. Unbelievable!

#149
Hold on a second. Hey, hey. Assistant, hey.

#150
Hi. When is somebody gonna tell me what my part is?

#151
What is your name again? Dee Reynolds. I'm your featured... extra.

#152
Right. You're a corpse.

#153
A corpse? Mm-hmm.

#154
Like a... zombie roaming through the streets looking for brains kind of corpse?

#155
No. Like a dead corpse. Just a dead corpse?

#156
Lifeless body lying in the street. Okay. All right.

#157
We'll call you when we're ready for makeup. I know, but...

#158
Hold on a second. I have one more- Don't be- Don't walk away from me.

#159
He just- He'll be back. Dee.

#160
Jesus, you come off so desperate.

#161
Oh! Hollywood! Hollywood! Hollywood!

#162
No, no, no, no, no, no, no! No! Hey, guys.

#163
Get out of here! What is that? What are you guys doing here?

#164
We in a Hollywood situation! Yeah.

#165
- Dennis just got a part in the movie. - Sweet, dude. Bump it.

#166
- Uh- - Not gonna? All right.

#167
So, uh- So where's the slumdog? We're ready for him.

#168
- You finished the script already? - No, not exactly.

#169
Yeah, we, uh- We didn't want to get locked into anything,

#170
so we came up with a pitch instead.

#171
It's more like a series of ideas in no particular order, you know?

#172
Yeah. We'll work out the kinks later.

#173
So you hit a brick wall, huh? Yeah. Uh...

#174
Mmm. Dennis can help you with that.

#175
He is good at coming up with awesome words. I wouldn't rule it out.

#176
You have to sign him on as a producer. That okay?

#177
Dennis? You want to be a producer? Yeah.

#178
- Sorry. - All right. We'll work out the detes later, man.

#179
But maybe we gotta find, like, a cooler place?

#180
Could we get a place with some A.C. going?

#181
Let's have a meeting and some A. C., man. Leave it to me.

#182
All right. You guys got 30 seconds. Blow my mind.

#183
Okay, okay, okay, okay. Oh, oh, oh.

#184
Guys, guys. It's the prequel to The Sixth Sense.

#185
The Fifth Sense. The sense of smell.

#186
Imagine a super ripped,

#187
super smart scientist in a mesh tank top...

#188
named Dr. Dolph Lundgren.

#189
No. That's- That's not his name.

#190
He's played by Dolph Lundgren, but that's not the character's name.

#191
It could be the character's name. No, that's...

#192
A doctor played by Dolph Lundgren named Dolph Lundgren?

#193
Yeah! That's confusing, dude.

#194
More confusing than making up an entirely new name for a person?

#195
That's gonna confuse people. I'm taking over. I'm taking over.

#196
- You are losing me. - Okay. Okay. All right, all right, all right.

#197
Imagine a super smart, ripped scientist played by Dolph Lundgren,

#198
who, after a terrible accident in his lab, blows off his nose!

#199
After reconstructive surgery, he soon realizes that he smells something that stinks...

#200
This doctor smells crime?

#201
Possibly also runs around like a hound. No! He doesn't run...

#202
I'm just saying, don't rule it out. It's possible- I didn't agree to that.

#203
It's not in any of our notes. He might run around like a hound. What do you think?

#204
Okay, uh- All right. First things first.

#205
You guys gotta type some of this shit out and get organized, for Christ's sakes.

#206
Get your shit together. Come on. I mean, that's ridiculous.

#207
Now in terms of the story, uh, clearly it's brilliant. It's amazing.

#208
Great idea. Brilliant idea. Thank you.

#209
But there is one critical element that's missing.

#210
It needs a sexual punch-up.

#211
We need to get a female lead character in there...

#212
that Dolph can bang throughout the whole movie.

#213
Yeah. I kind of hate women though. Oh.

#214
I feel like they just slow action movies down too. Right, dude.

#215
No, Mac. See, you're dead wrong on that. You're dead wrong.

#216
See, one of the problems with Shyamalan's movies is that they lack a certain eroticism.

#217
What if we were to bring, uh,

#218
an incredibly hot but skeptical female lab partner into the mix?

#219
And then that way, whenever Dolph's not out busting heads because he's smelled crime,

#220
he's back at the lab performing outrageous sexual experiments...

#221
on her supple, young body.

#222
Now here's the twist. And there is a twist.

#223
We show it.

#224
We show all of it.

#225
Because what's the one major thing missing from all action movies these days, guys?

#226
Full penetration.

#227
Guys, we're gonna show full penetration,

#228
and we're gonna show a lot of it.

#229
I mean, we're talking, you know, graphic scenes of Dolph Lundgren...

#230
really going to town on this hot, young lab tech...

#231
from behind, 69, anal, vaginal, cowgirl, reverse cowgirl...

#232
All the hits. All the big ones. All the good ones.

#233
And then he smells crime again. He's out busting heads.

#234
Then he's back to the lab for some more full penetration.

#235
He smells crime. Back to the lab, full penetration.

#236
Crime, penetration, crime, full penetration, crime, penetration.

#237
And this goes on and on and back and forth for 90 or so minutes...

#238
until the movie just sort of ends.

#239
That is brilliant!

#240
That is the most brilliant movie I've ever heard in my life.

#241
I think audiences are gonna be very uncomfortable seeing Dolph Lundgren's naked penis...

#242
going into this young girl that you're talking about.

#243
Yeah. Just to be clear, though, I don't care either way.

#244
Well, it was worth it, you know- 30 seconds.

#245
Because we got the chick thing out of it, so this is good. Yeah, 30 seconds.

#246
Okay. All right. Well, maybe we should type this stuff up,

#247
and then, Frank, we'll be in touch. Get it all together.

#248
We'll type it up. We'll get another thing going.

#249
And think about the representation thing. Definitely, dude. Definitely.

#250
Okay. You don't have to rep him. You could just rep me.

#251
All right. Let me just get all this stuff.

#252
We're not a writing team. Okay. Are we good?

#253
Yeah. We're good. Okay.

#254
Okay, we good? Go ahead, Charlie.

#255
Okay. And we'll get- we'll get the...

#256
Frank, I write better without him. Seriously. We'll talk about it.

#257
You know? Okay.

#258
Okay, cool.

#259
The Fifth Sense. Here we go. Here we go.

#260
Write-Write- Write a couple words. The...

#261
Fifth- Dude, go faster.

#262
Hold on. Hold on. I can't- Go faster.

#263
Ah! I got it in my head.

#264
I just- I can't type it fast enough. You can't type it at all.

#265
If I could type more better, then I think it would come out faster.

#266
Maybe we should get somebody else who can type. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

#267
Look at her, dude.

#268
Might be good to have an older lady in the mix, right, sort of a workhorse secretary?

#269
Yeah- I don't care for her demographic. I find them judgmental.

#270
Mmm. You know what I mean?

#271
Mm-hmm. We need someone more our...

#272
Hello.

#273
Check out this one over here. Does he look Indian to you?

#274
Oh, yes, dude.

#275
It would be great to have an Indian in our corner, right?

#276
Oh, my God. They're natural storytellers. They're great with twists.

#277
- Uh- Psst! Psst! - Dude!

#278
- Uh, where are you from? - Baltimore.

#279
Right, right. Baltimore, sure.

#280
- Where are your parents from? - Jersey.

#281
Oh. All right. Getting nowhere here.

#282
Uh, you're so- Yeah, well, uh...

#283
Is anyone in your family from India? Mmm.

#284
- Pakistan. - Pakistan. Now that's...

#285
Well, isn't- a country somewhere, so...

#286
What's the difference between that and- Yeah, what is...

#287
Well, they're right next to each other, both countries.

#288
That's perfect. Perfect.

#289
That's close enough, dude. There's probably a lot of going back and forth.

#290
Yeah, Pakistanis are probably great with twists too, in their own kind of way, you know?

#291
Great. How'd you like to be in the movie business?

#292
Ma'am, how you doing on makeup in there? We're ready.

#293
Well, I'm okay, but I feel like maybe they used a little too much blood.

#294
Ma'am, we need to move here. Let's go. Let's go.

#295
My gut feeling is they went a little overboard.

#296
I mean, can you even tell that it's me? Yeah. It's perfect.

#297
- We just need to pair you up with a husband for the shot. - Husband?

#298
Yeah. How about this guy right here?

#299
That'll work. That'll work.

#300
Whoa! Great.

#301
Holy shit, Dee. This is like...

#302
Wow. I could barely tell that was you.

#303
- I mean, did they dip you by your heels into the blood? - That's ridiculous.

#304
That looks so stupid. Uh...

#305
Frank had 'em go a little more subtle with me, so you could see my face.

#306
This? This is it? Yeah.

#307
How the hell did you manage that?

#308
No, I'm working my ass of. Corpses, let's go now!

#309
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go on, go on, go on.

#310
Go on. Go on, will ya? Whatever.

#311
Go ahead.

#312
Everybody focus. Get down now.

#313
Very simple shot. Lot to do today. Lot to do.

#314
I need all corpses lying down. We are losing light, people. Let's go.

#315
- I need you to turn over. I need you face down. - Face down?

#316
Yes. No, 'cause then you won't be able to see my face.

#317
Face down or in the pile of bodies over there. You pick it.

#318
- Face down. - That's what I thought. All right. Energy. Energy.

#319
But you're dead. Dead energy. Dead energy. Here we go.

#320
I get it. I get it. Okay, so he's on the edge of this cliff...

#321
throwing his nose off into the ocean because he's at the happiest point of his life.

#322
No, no, no, no, no, no. This is the scientist's lowest point in the movie.

#323
Okay. Here. He throws his nose of the cliff into the ocean...

#324
because he's- he's rejecting his life as a savior of all of mankind.

#325
Oh, I finally just got it.

#326
Oh, bro, that is...

#327
Bro, that is- That's nice.

#328
Deep shit, man. That's awesome.

#329
That's awesome. It's nice.

#330
- Where are you landing on the full penetration? - I'm into it. Big time.

#331
The Injun says yes- Snaking around.

#332
So that's what we're doing, I guess. It's done. It's on.

#333
But, but, but- I-I- I mean, the title?

#334
Oh, yeah. The title. Title sucks.

#335
It's stupid, yeah. Come on.

#336
Title sucks, right? The Fifth Sense?

#337
I mean, stupid. Well, yeah.

#338
- Who came up- Who came up with that? - Uh...

#339
Stupid. Come on, man.

#340
So stupid. You kidding?

#341
So why don't you type out this whole movie real quick,

#342
and we'll go sell it to Shyamalan. Yeah.

#343
Oh, no. I don't write. I'm a big picture kind of guy.

#344
You don't write. You don't... write.

#345
Oh.

#346
- Hello? - Dennis, hey.

#347
We hit a wall on the pitch. Uh, what pitch is that, man?

#348
- The pitch of the movie that you're a producer on. - Oh, yeah. That thing. Yeah.

#349
- What's up with that? - We realized that none of us are writers,

#350
so we decided to play to our strengths and make a poster.

#351
What tells a person about a movie better than a picture of what the movie is?

#352
What are your thoughts?

#353
What are my thoughts? My thoughts are that's brilliant.

#354
I think it's cool. Cut!

#355
Huh? What are you doing?

#356
-Oh, shit. Were you guys rolling on that? -Yes. We were rolling on that.

#357
Do not talk on your phone during the shot.

#358
Okay? And you, ma'am?

#359
- Oh, me? - Do not roll over during the shot.

#360
Oh, I know, but you know what? I thought about it.

#361
- I feel like it's better if I'm right side up. - Back over.

#362
"Back over! Face down on the hot cement!"

#363
- Let's roll it again, people. - "Yeah, again!"

#364
Brains! Brains!

#365
Cut! Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut! What the hell are you doing?

#366
Huh? You. Why are you saying "brains"? What...

#367
Oh, 'cause it's a zombie movie. It's, like, the Shyamalan twist. I figured it out.

#368
This is not a zombie movie. It's a movie about Serbian genocide.

#369
Really? Huh.

#370
You! Sir! Yes, sir. Your phone, it's ringing.

#371
Oh, yeah. I know. But listen, man.

#372
If you don't let me answer it and solve my boys' problems, the phone's gonna ring.

#373
You can't have it both ways. Can I talk or not?

#374
Yeah. I gotta agree with him on that one, buddy.

#375
You're not being very clear. Which is it?

#376
Turn your phone of! You, miss! Don't improvise! Let's go!

#377
Okay! You know what? I have had about enough of you dicking me around all day.

#378
Okay? Where is M. Night? I have questions for him. Yeah.

#379
Oh, no. Mr. Shyamalan isn't directing this unit. This is a simple pickup shot.

#380
Hold on a second. Hold on a second.

#381
Where the hell is M. Night? He's not here?

#382
No. What the hell's going on here?

#383
- Well, he won't get of his phone, for starters. - Give me your phone, Dennis.

#384
What? Give me your phone.

#385
All right. I heard that.

#386
No, I'll tell you exactly what's going on.

#387
This guy's been treating me like a dickwad all day long,

#388
and I don't appreciate it. Ha, ha, ha!

#389
All right. I'm gonna fix it, hon. Thank you.

#390
Fire both of them and I'll take their spot. What?

#391
- Done. You're both fired. - Hold on a second. What are you talking about, Frank?

#392
Being an agent is crap. I want to be an extra, lay around doing dick.

#393
Great. Both of you, get your shit out of the tent. Get out of here.

#394
All right, fine. Hey, give me my phone back, Frank. What?

#395
Just to be clear, pal. I don't care about any of this.

#396
I got my own thing going on, so...

#397
I just gave you the old Shyamalan twist.

#398
Oh, maybe you did, maybe you didn't, but I'll tell you what.

#399
I don't care either.

#400
All right. What do I do?

#401
Hey-oh!

#402
Hey, where his he, dude? Where's Night?

#403
We got it! Dude, we totally got it.

#404
Brace yourself! Brace yourself!

#405
Crime Stinks: The Smell of Penetration.

#406
"He nose the truth."

#407
Oh, okay, yeah. I get it. Get it?

#408
Yeah, I-I get it. Now, there is a lot going on there with- with Dolph.

#409
We had to make some artistic compromises. I think we're good with the body.

#410
Yeah, but it's a lovable character. It's a lovable guy.

#411
You know, these are good compromises.

#412
Bottom line, M. Night's gonna love it. So where is he?

#413
Night? Uh, well- Oh, he's not here.

#414
Jesus Christ, Dee. What happened to you?

#415
He brought in a "B" team or something like that,

#416
covered me all in blood.

#417
That slumdog bastard twisted all of us!

#418
Oh, shit, dude. We need him to execute our script. Yeah.

#419
Actually, you guys don't need Shyamalan to execute your script...

#420
because I've got the mother of all Shyamalan twists in my hand right here.

#421
You see, you think I've just been playing with my phone the whole time,

#422
but you're wrong.

#423
Been writing a little movie script of my own,

#424
and I finished it right before you guys called.

#425
It's a horror movie about two men trapped in a garage stairwell...

#426
who get hunted down by a psychotic, homeless killer...

#427
who turns out to be a security guard... instead.

#428
- That's our story, dude. - Damn right, it's your story.

#429
And that's why you two guys are gonna be attached as producers.

#430
Nice, baby! Producers!

#431
All right! I feel like that's...

#432
I'm a natural born producer. I love showbiz, dude. I love showbiz.

#433
Uh, can I be in it? Uh, you know, normally, Dee,

#434
I would take this opportunity to insult you,

#435
but I'm gonna throw an insane twist your way.

#436
You're gonna be the lead of the film. I am? Really?

#437
No, you're not. Twisted again! Boom! Try and keep up.

#438
Lot of twists. Lot of twists in this thing, so try and keep up.

#439
There's so many twists, I can't even follow it.

#440
It's tough to follow. I'm gonna pull up the first scene...

#441
so you guys can get a taste of what else is going on in this film.

#442
Yeah. Lay us on it. It's really good.

#443
Uh- For some reason the phone is frozen- Lay it on us.

#444
And I'm having a little trouble pulling up the scene...

#445
And why is there grease all over...

#446
Is this Frank's g- goddamn sausage grease?

#447
Frank, you froze my phone with your sausage greasy fingers!

#448
Frank, you son of a bitch!

#449
Cut! Cut! For the love of Christ!

#450
ENGLISH - US - PSDH

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