Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S04E01 — Mac and Dennis - Manhunters

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 4, Episode 1 — Mac and Dennis - Manhunters

#1
CHARLIE: Would you describe this piece as more savory or succulent?

#2
DEE: It's definitely way too overcooked to be succulent.

#3
- But it's still pretty delicious. - It's still savory, right?

#4
What if we soaked it in beer?

#5
Do you think that would help it regain its succulence?

#6
Like a beer rub? That's actually really smart.

#7
- Mac, grab us some beers. - Bite my bird.

#8
- What are you eating? - Dee and I cooked up a great steak.

#9
Frank's got this whole fridge full of delicious meats.

#10
- You guys want to try? - Someone who sweats as much as you

#11
should not work with food. - Charlie! You son of a bitch!

#12
I told you to stay away from my meat! Spit it out!

#13
- Come on, man. - Spit it out! Now!

#14
You too! Spit!

#15
- Come on. - Right there.

#16
- Why are you such a selfish jerk? - I killed the deer,

#17
I should get to eat it. That's the natural order.

#18
- You shot a deer? - That's right, 10 point buck.

#19
(imitates gun firing) Right between its soulful eyes.

#20
- Since when do you hunt, bro? - Since always. I'm a great hunter.

#21
How does hunting a defenseless creature make you a good hunter?

#22
Yeah. You should go after something that could at least defend itself.

#23
A really great hunter would go after something that could hunt him back.

#24
- Like a man. - A man?

#25
- Don't joke about hunting no man. - Who's joking? I'm not joking.

#26
Hunting a man would be the only true test of a good hunter.

#27
I was hunted once. I just came back from 'Nam.

#28
I was hitching through Oregon, and some cop started harassing me.

#29
Next thing you know, I had a whole army of cops chasing me!

#30
I had to take 'em all out. It was a bloodbath.

#31
That's "Rambo", dude.

#32
What?

#33
You just described the plot of "Rambo".

#34
- That's from the first one. - It's "First Blood".

#36
DENNIS: That's not the first time you've described your life

#38
I could get on board with a manhunt. - Really? Me too, dude.

#40
(both laugh)

#41
- Screw you. - Yeah.

#42
CHARLIE: Try that one. DEE: This one?

#43
- And get a little bit of the sauce. - I don't have any sauce left.

#44
- It's just the natural juices... - It's so good.

#45
- It's not an actual sauce. - Oh, my God. Good job.

#46
I can't believe that dickhole put the lock on the refrigerator.

#47
- What a son of a bitch. - That wasn't cool.

#48
- He forgot about this piece. - That dumbass.

#49
But did you do something different? 'Cause it's so good this time.

#50
- I barely cooked it. - Really?

#52
- I slapped it on the radiator. - That's pretty gross.

#53
- And that warmed it... - It's so good. I don't care.

#54
- Okay, good. - Well, well, well...

#55
What have we here? Looks like you two have been enjoying my meat!

#56
- We have, you fascist meat hog. - Yeah! Hey, Frankie.

#57
#Sharing, it's a rule now# (blows raspberry)

#58
I'm glad you enjoyed yourselves.

#60
A nice port

#61
that would complement what you have just eaten.

#63
- Was it venison? - You wish it was venison!

#64
- Was it a horse? - Horse?

#65
That which you have just eaten,

#66
that which your teeth have just torn apart,

#67
your taste buds have savored,

#68
that was human meat.

#69
(scoffs) (laughs)

#70
Yeah, okay. You're so stupid.

#71
Thank you for our human meat. It was delicious.

#72
- I knew you were gonna steal again. - You're stupid.

#74
And only left one piece of meat out.

#75
- Human meat. - All right,

#76
where'd you get the human meat from, Frank?

#77
- I got a guy. - You got a guy?

#79
- You're so full of shit. - You think I'm full of shit?

#80
- You enjoy yourselves now. - Thank you.

#81
I am glad you had a good time eating...

#82
- Thank you. - ... human meat.

#83
(chuckles)

#84
(door opens) (gasps)

#85
(door closes)

#86
- That wasn't human meat, was it? - No!

#87
Hey-o! Dennis, I did it! It took me all day,

#88
but I finished the list of 10 people that would be perfect to hunt.

#89
I totally respect your opinion, but I've already made a decision.

#90
That's the complete opposite of respecting my opinion.

#92
Hey. Dennis, are you sure Dee is coming?

#93
Yeah, she's coming. She just wants to look great for your big date.

#94
- Cricket, bro? Are you serious? - Yeah. He's perfect.

#95
You don't believe me? Check it out.

#96
Cricket, come out here for a second, please.

#97
Yeah. Just stand before us here. Now check out his legs.

#98
See how they've almost healed? They're pretty much back to perfect.

#99
MAC: Yeah. - And check out his cane.

#100
It looks like he's whittled it into some sort of defensive tool.

#101
Wow. Bet that makes you quite formidable.

#102
What's going on here? Where's Dee?

#103
- Admit it, Mac. He's perfect. - Yeah, he'll do just fine.

#104
Oh, God. I knew you were up to something.

#105
- You're gonna harvest my organs? - Relax.

#106
Relax. Take it easy.

#108
So, she is coming? (laughs)

#109
Okay. Okay.

#110
I thought you guys were gonna do something terrible to me.

#111
- Yeah, we are. She's not coming. - No. We're gonna hunt you.

#112
- What? - We are going to hunt you, Cricket.

#113
Why?

#114
I'd spend a lot less time asking questions and more time running.

#116
Don't get caught.

#118
- And the hunt begins. - Indeed.

#119
- This is gonna be fun. - Yeah.

#120
What do you suppose is gonna happen when we do catch him?

#121
I suppose we do something tea bag related.

#122
(knocking on door)

#123
Dee! You're home. Thank God. Let's have a quick conversation.

#124
- I couldn't sleep. Could you? - No.

#125
- And I'll tell you why. Yesterday. - Yesterday.

#126
- What's going on? - I didn't want to say anything.

#127
But there's something strange going on with this meat situation.

#128
Yes! Now I know it's crazy, the idea of Frank feeding us human meat.

#129
- Yes! - I've been trying to disprove it.

#130
- I absolutely can't. - You can't do it, can you?

#131
- Let's talk the taste. - The taste, Charlie.

#132
I can't get the taste out of my mouth!

#133
- You can't get it out, right? - Absolutely not.

#134
Have you tried other meats? Like deli meats and sandwich meats?

#135
- Absolutely! - Did you go crazy

#137
I even licked the cat's fanny. Like nothing's working, right?

#138
Maybe it's a trick, okay?

#139
Maybe he went and got some weird exotic meat.

#140
- It's not grocery store meat. - Not meat from a grocery store.

#141
- He got it from some weird place. - Let's put our heads together.

#142
Where could Frank go to get mysterious meat?

#143
DEE: This is the place? CHARLIE: This is it.

#144
Grab as much stuff as you can.

#145
We'll take that big brown mound, and the curly stuff.

#146
And then this thing that looks like a blanket, definitely.

#147
What about a monkey? Monkeys are like nature's humans.

#148
- I doubt they have monkey, Charlie. - People eat monkey, Dee.

#150
MAN: Hey.

#151
We got monkey.

#152
Would you look at that? Great.

#153
One monkey also then, please.

#154
(laughs) Yeah, baby!

#155
- This hunt is gonna be so awesome! - Yeah, bro!

#156
This is what it must feel like before you go into battle!

#157
I know, man. I'm so excited. Feel my nips.

#158
- Holy smokes! - They're super hard, right?

#159
- You could cut glass. - I know.

#160
- What are you doing? - I'm feeling his nips.

#161
I am so excited for this hunt, that my nips are doing stuff

#162
they've never done before. Feel 'em.

#163
- What hunt? - We're gonna hunt Cricket.

#164
I thought we went over this already. You do not hunt a man!

#165
Don't bring me down. Not right now. Not while my nips are like this.

#166
You know, you hunt a man, he could snap like a twig.

#167
Next thing you know, he's up at night,

#168
he's burning down a village in 'Nam,

#169
he's killing everything that moves, everything that lives!

#170
- You're talking about "Rambo". - No. That happened to me.

#171
- You're thinking of John Rambo's... - No, I'm not. This happened to me.

#172
- That never happened to you, Frank. - It happened to me, Mac.

#173
You're confusing your life with "Rambo" again.

#174
No, Charlie! This is not right. I still have the craving.

#175
I have it too. I have it even worse than before I think.

#176
Something really weird is happening to me.

#177
Frank fed us human meat and we got the hunger.

#178
- The hunger? - That's how you become a cannibal.

#179
(fly buzzing) Like you get one taste of delicious human meat,

#180
none of this stuff ever satisfies you ever again.

#181
- I think that you're overreacting. - Really?

#182
- Yeah, that's stupid. - Is that stupid? I'm sorry, Dee!

#183
"Jaws 4" is stupid, because that's the exact same plot!

#184
Okay! All right, calm down!

#185
Before you start accusing us of becoming cannibals or sharks

#186
or whatever it is you're trying to say,

#187
I think we need to find out if what we ate was actually human.

#188
No shit. That's what we've been doing.

#189
- I ate a ... monkey, Dee! - Charlie, you don't understand me.

#190
I think we need to try a piece of human flesh.

#191
- Oh, God. - Just to make sure.

#192
- That's the only way. - Right?

#193
- Okay, how are we gonna do this? - The morgue?- Hear me out.

#194
- It's a dead body... - Sold.

#195
You don't even have to tell me, man. That's where you find dead bodies.

#197
- And then we'll know. - We'll be off the hook.

#198
- I got a hot plate. - I'm gonna get some beers.

#199
MAC: Any sign of him? - No.

#200
But word on the street is he's out here begging most Saturdays.

#201
- He'll be here. - Hunting is awesome, Dennis!

#202
You get to wear sweet clothes and get wasted all day.

#203
It's just like our normal lives, except at the end of it,

#204
we get to put our nuts in some dude's mouth.

#205
Actually, I wanted to talk to you about that aspect of it.

#206
- You're not happy with the plan? - No. Look, dude.

#207
We've been tea-bagging Cricket since high school.

#208
I feel like we need to make some progress.

#209
- We should give him a gorilla mask. - What's a gorilla mask?

#210
You put something sticky all over his face

#211
and then sprinkle it with shaved pubes.

#212
- No, I don't like it. - What's not to like?

#213
Cricket with a face full of pubes? Hilarious.

#214
But where are we supposed to get that many pubes, man?

#215
- We shave! - That's a problem. I laser.

#216
It's like a turtle shell down there.

#217
- What? - Look, man.

#218
Classics are classics for a reason.

#219
- Why go and mess with that? - It's called progress, Dennis.

#220
I don't want to make progress! We're sticking with the tea-bagging!

#221
- But it doesn't even leave a mark! - Fine!

#222
I'll dip my nuts in ink or something and then put it in his mouth!

#223
- That make you happy? - That's a pretty good idea.

#224
- It leaves a mark all over him. - I'm glad we just thought of it.

#225
MAC: It's an excellent idea. So we can dunk him down and...

#226
- Glad we went through that. - We're thinking outside the box.

#227
- I like it. Cricket! - Get him!

#228
Get him!

#229
- How did his legs just do that? - I'm not doing that, Dennis.

#230
- That was incredibly dangerous. - Let's go polish off that case.

#231
Did not know he was capable of that.

#232
Okay.

#233
(clears throat)

#234
- Hi. - Hi.

#235
- Sorry to bug you here. - How are you?

#236
- I'm good. - We're two friends

#237
of one of the dead people that you have in there.

#238
- Very close friends. - And we wanted to...

#239
- Spend some time maybe. - We wanted to say goodbye.

#240
- Say goodbye to her, him, or... - To him, I...

#241
- He had a... - A long life that was good.

#242
What's the hot plate for?

#243
- The hot... - The hot plate is because...

#244
- Our friend was a... - He was a chef...

#245
- A chef who cooked... - ... of small plates of things.

#246
- Many small items on a hot plate. - He mostly just heated it up.

#247
And we thought maybe if he saw or was near the hot plate...

#248
- It would make him feel... - Right. Spare me the act.

#249
I'll give you guys the same deal I give everyone else.

#250
Fifty bucks gets you 10 minutes alone with the bodies.

#251
- What? - What is he talking about?

#252
I gotta say though, I ain't never seen a guy and a girl

#253
bang one of these stiffs at the same time.

#255
You've got the wrong idea about us. We're gonna have a bite of...

#256
I don't judge you guys. It's cool.

#257
I like yogurt up my ass and a popsicle stick in my mouth.

#258
Let's just give this guy his 50 bucks!

#259
- You're the one with the hot plate. DEE: That is...

#260
- Weirdo. - That is much worse. Pay him.

#261
I'm the weirdo says the guy with the yogurt up his ass.

#262
- Holy shit. - Holy shit.

#263
- These are dead bodies. - Two dead guys.

#264
This is the real deal here.

#265
- I don't think I can eat this guy. - No. I don't think I can.

#267
- It's not because he's black? - What?

#268
- Okay. - No. I just don't think so. No.

#269
- It's because he's dead, right? - It's because he's dead.

#270
- It's because he's dead. Okay. - That's why not.

#271
(exhales) I got a question for you.

#273
- Shit, Charlie. Now it is. - I'm sorry, Dee.

#274
The white guy over here looks better to me for some reason.

#275
- He looks so much better. - I don't eat dark meat.

#276
- No, I prefer the white meat. - It's not that guy. It's this guy.

#277
The problem is I'm gonna have a really hard time

#278
f we're cannibals and racists. - We're not, Dee!

#279
- I just want to make sure... - That's not for us.

#281
We're just here to eat some dude.

#283
- So let's eat a piece of him. - Let's get him.

#285
- No, me neither. - No.

#286
The good news is that means we're not racist.

#287
- Yeah, I guess so. - Okay.

#288
(panting) I made it! I'm fast as lightning.

#289
I'm fast as lightning. I beat you, bitches.

#290
(panting continues)

#291
Hey, street rat. (gasps)

#292
- Don't... - Hey!

#293
I'm not here to kill you.

#294
I'm here to help you turn the tables on Mac and Dennis.

#296
t ain't okay to hunt humans!

#297
- Yeah? - They drew first blood, not you.

#298
- They what? - They drew first blood!

#299
What is that? Is that... Is that "Rambo"?

#300
- No, I made that up. - No. That's "Rambo".

#301
- You want me to help you or not? - Yes.

#302
Come on. Let's go. (laughs)

#303
Holy shit.

#304
(door opens) Holy shit, dude.

#305
"Tag! You're it!" And a knife? What the hell is this, man?

#307
What? Are you kidding me? You gorilla-masked me?

#308
Yes! That is so much more awesome than tea-bagging!

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