Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S04E02 — The Gang Solves the Gas Crisis

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 4, Episode 2 — The Gang Solves the Gas Crisis

#1
MAC: How are we supposed to scale back our energy costs

#2
when you are filling this generator with gasoline?

#3
DENNIS: Since when did you start running the bar on a gas generator

#4
nstead of... - About a week ago.

#5
- Why would you do that? - Because electricity's expensive.

#6
So, I figured let's get a generator and run the bar on it.

#7
Gasoline's a thousand times more expensive than electricity.

#8
You shouldn't be making these decisions anyway, okay?

#9
You're not the decision-making type.

#11
(scoffs) I'm sorry. Since when did you become the brains?

#12
I'm sorry. I've always been the brains.

#13
I thought I was the brains. What the hell am I?

#14
- You're the looks. - Of course I'm the looks.

#15
But I always thought of myself as the brains and the looks.

#16
You're the looks. I'm the brains. Charlie's the wild card.

#17
- That's awesome. - That's the classic setup.

#18
You know this, no?

#19
Every great crew in history has followed that basic dynamic.

#20
Looks, brains, wild card. Think about it.

#21
"The A-Team" did it.

#22
"Scooby-Doo" did it. The "Ghostbusters" did it.

#23
- Shit. - Yes. Right?

#24
Our problem is that we don't stick to that basic format,

#25
and it gets us into trouble. - So, by breaking from that format,

#26
we're actually limiting our ability to be as successful

#27
as those organizations. - You're totally right, dude.

#28
Great. On to the matter at hand. We're getting plowed in the ass

#29
by the oil companies and the gas companies

#30
with their 10-gallon hats and their rotten, ass-plowing hearts.

#31
As the brains of this organization, I came up with a plan.

#32
- Lay it on us, bud. - It involves

#33
pulling up our bootstraps, oiling up a couple of asses,

#34
and doing a little plowing of our own. Pow!

#35
- Not gay sex. - Okay.

#36
'Cause that's what it sounded like.

#37
- We're gonna solve the gas crisis. CHARLIE: Good.

#38
Charlie, the plan is simple.

#39
- Is it? - Yes.

#40
We go to a bank. We talk to a loan officer.

#41
We get a hefty loan to buy a bunch of gasoline.

#42
We take that gasoline. We store it in the basement.

#43
We wait a few months. When the gas prices skyrocket,

#44
we sell it, make a huge profit. - Yeah.

#45
If the guy doesn't seem like he's going for it,

#46
I'll show him this big-breasted-women chart.

#47
- And that'll win him over. - I'm sure it will. That's great,

#48
and the plan's actually pretty great.

#49
The problem I'm having with it is that I don't have anything to do.

#50
No. You do have something to do. You're the wild card.

#52
- That's... - You set the tone for the meeting.

#53
So, if I'm there while you guys are talking, I'm just, like...

#54
- That's terrible. - That was my wild-card face.

#55
What message are you trying to send with that?

#56
What? Was it not a good one? So what if it's more like...

#57
You want 'em to think you're gonna take a dump, or...

#58
- That's what that looks like? - I don't know what message you...

#59
- Man... You're forcing it. - Oh, my God.

#60
- You're forcing it. - I better look in a mirror,

#61
'cause I don't know what I'm doing, and what it looks like,

#62
feel like two different things. - The brains. I'm gonna supervise,

#63
'cause there's no way he should be making this decision.

#64
I'm gonna draw another woman.

#66
It looks very much like a rape van to me.

#67
- Dennis, you gotta look at this. - What is this?

#68
Bruce Mathis is about to give away all of Mom's money.

#69
DENNIS: What are you talking about? DEE: In two days,

#70
some Muslim cultural center is about to get a check made out of our cash.

#71
- And we gotta get that back. FRANK: Listen.

#72
This jamoke is giving our money to terrorists.

#73
And we gotta prove it.

#74
Mom gave all of our money to Bruce. You were never gonna get it anyway.

#75
No. I was. I had a plan.

#76
I was gonna eliminate everybody else and be the only surviving heir.

#77
Help.

#78
So when you say "eliminate", you mean you were gonna kill me?

#79
I don't know. No. Yes.

#80
Maybe I was going to. Maybe I wasn't. The point is moot now.

#81
- Can you please help me out here? - You were planning on killing me?

#82
Listen. Stop arguing. Are you gonna help us or not?

#83
- We got no time here. - Pass.

#84
- "Pass"? - Yeah, pass. Super pass. Uber pass.

#85
- How do you super pass? - I pass! I pass!

#86
- You were planning on killing me. - I feel like you're really focused

#87
on one tiny part of what I'm trying to talk about here.

#88
- It's a very big part of your... - It's just a couple of words.

#89
- Go! I'm trying to draw breasts... - Focus on the words "money"...

#90
- And pretty women. - And "Bruce", and "me", and "help".

#91
All right. And what is the reason you're requesting a loan today?

#92
Wait for it.

#93
- Gasoline. - Excuse me?

#94
Don't rush me. I feel rushed. Look. Here's the plan.

#95
You give us a shitload of money. We buy a shitload of gasoline.

#96
We wait 12 months. We sell the gasoline.

#97
And make a shitload of profit.

#98
Gentlemen, we tend to give loans to businesses, not...

#100
- We have a graph. - Check this out.

#101
Now these are the gas prices last year.

#102
These are the gas prices this year.

#103
And this is what the gas prices will be.

#104
And what are those?

#105
These are gorgeous women with heaving breasts.

#106
Why?

#107
To be perfectly honest, we sort of thought

#108
we'd be speaking to a man today... - Can we talk to your boss?

#109
Because I think he would understand more better.

#110
My boss is a woman.

#111
- Really? - Your boss is a woman?

#112
- This is a strange bank. - Okay. I am definitely rejecting

#113
your request for $300,000 to buy gasoline.

#114
(clicks tongue)

#115
- Dennis, you're on. - Yeah.

#116
I just had a crazy thought.

#117
How's about I take you in the back and "change your mind"?

#119
- What are you doing? - I'm playing the wild card here.

#120
- Just let Dennis do his thing. - I can be sensual with a woman.

#121
You will enjoy it.

#122
DENNIS: Now is not the right time to pull the wild card?

#124
so we can get our loan. - Here's a scenario.

#125
What if she wanted to bang me, or you for that matter...

#126
You can't pull the wild card when I already have my shirt off.

#128
- You're shirt's not off! - Now it is, bitch.

#129
- I'm the wild card. - Back off.

#130
- This is my job. - Now I feel like I should do it.

#131
What are you doing? God damn it. Okay, so...

#132
Why don't you decide?

#133
Which one of us do you want to take you in the back and bang you?

#134
FRANK: My intel tells me

#135
that Bruce moved into this crappy apartment complex.

#136
- Where did you get your intel? - I waterboarded some guy.

#137
- Told me everything. - You tortured somebody?

#138
Yeah. Big time.

#139
- What do you see? - I can't see shit.

#140
Why would you tint the inside of the windows?

#141
- I don't want anybody to see in. - We can't see out, Frank.

#142
- I might've overdone it a little. - You think so?

#143
- That's Bruce. - This guy?

#144
That's the guy walking there, walking there! Start the car.

#145
- Are you sure that's him? - I'm gonna take some pictures.

#146
(groans) I got it working.

#147
- Go. - The gas pedal is stuck.

#148
- Wobble it. - Wobble it?

#149
Wobble it back and forth. That's it. Now hit it.

#150
- You're blinding me. - What are you trying to do?

#151
Will you calm down for a second. Hold on!

#152
- Oh, man! - Son of a bitch!

#153
Will you stop with that for one second?

#154
Assholes!

#155
(shutter clicking continues)

#156
What the hell was that about?

#158
- That's a dumb place to hide it. - She's an investor now.

#159
- She'll thank us later. - I gotta bring something up.

#160
Can I? Because if I don't, it's gonna stew up inside me.

#161
- It's gonna drive me crazy. - What's up, man?

#162
I kinda can't believe that you guys took your shirts off back there.

#163
I feel like you really sold me down the river.

#164
The Ghostbusters would never do something like that to each other.

#165
- I can't believe you guys did it. - What are you doing?

#166
- No trash cans. Only cars. - Cool your jets, guy.

#167
We paid for this gas. It's gonna be a while, so...

#168
(whistles)

#169
Stop now. You can't do this. Only cars.

#170
All right. Wild card, do your thing.

#171
So help me, God, I'll blow this place to kingdom come.

#172
- Not that. Jesus Christ, Charlie. - Come on, man.

#173
No. We just gotta figure out a way to get this gas back to the bar

#174
without using the barrels. - How the hell are we gonna do that?

#176
- Mac... - This doesn't seem to be...

#177
Guys, this is not working. We are losing money

#178
driving back and forth from that gas station all day long.

#179
You burn up your product. I have swallowed a good deal of it,

#180
and it's a damn waste. - And gas has gone up

#182
every time we pull in there. - We're screwing ourselves here.

#183
- Let's not freak out. - The plan is not working, though.

#184
We just need to adjust our business model

#185
to meet the needs of a changing marketplace.

#186
- That's money talk. - We gotta make some money

#187
n the short term. - How the hell are we gonna do that?

#188
I got a plan.

#189
- We'd like to return some gas. - Don't worry, bro. Got receipts.

#190
I can't do that.

#192
Both. (lighter clicks)

#193
Not yet, buddy.

#194
Okay, bro. You want to play hard ball, fine.

#195
You're about to experience the hard knocks of a free market.

#196
- You will feel it where it hurts. - Your dick.

#197
No. No, not his dick. His wallet.

#198
- Your wallet. - Yup.

#199
- Here we are. This is it. - Are you sure this is his place?

#200
- Yes. My intel says so. - Okay, listen.

#201
Take these box cutters. Put 'em in his bedroom.

#202
Take this fertilizer. Toss it in the closet.

#203
- Why are we doing that for? - When I call the cops on him,

#204
they'll come and find all this bomb-making shit,

#205
and they'll arrest his money-stealing ass.

#206
We don't want to call the cops. They will find the bug I'm gonna plant.

#207
That's a baby monitor, Frank. You're planting a baby monitor?

#209
I guess babies can't be trusted.

#210
- What do you expect to find? - A lot of shady shit.

#211
Like what?

#212
- Like maybe Bruce is banging dudes. - Why would that be shady?

#213
- Maybe the dudes are babies. - What?

#214
Bruce is not banging any baby dudes. We're going back to the plan.

#215
We're gonna put the frame on him, we're gonna be heroes,

#216
and I'm gonna get all of my money back as a reward.

#217
- All my money. - Whatever.

#219
Okay. There's something I want to talk to you about.

#220
Were you planning on offing me, and then offing Dennis also?

#221
We are in the middle of something.

#222
I don't have time to chit-chat with you about stuff right now...

#224
- You didn't deny it either. (scoffs) - Deny it?

#225
Do I have to deny something so crazy?

#226
Give me the baby monitor. I'll hide it for you.

#227
Capitalism at work. This oughta show the son of a bitch.

#228
All right, now explain to me how we're gonna calculate the totals.

#229
It's easy, dude.

#230
You pour gas into the car using one of these funnels, right?

#231
And I count how much gas is going into the car.

#232
Let me just stop you right there.

#233
How exactly are you planning on counting a liquid?

#234
- I know how to count, dude. - You do it, Mac.

#235
- Because I can't speak to him. - Say free market 101,

#236
you gotta have customers to have a working business.

#237
So, we gotta attract attention.

#238
I for one suggest me blowing fireballs to get that attention.

#239
Fireball... Where is that coming from? No.

#240
- We're not blowing fireballs... - People will see it from the street

#241
and pull in and... - We have 10 containers of gasoline.

#242
- The lighter, please. - What the hell are you... No.

#243
Let me please reiterate my strong opposition to this idea.

#244
- I know what I'm doing. - This is really unsafe.

#245
Do not blow that fireball.

#246
Okay.

#247
I take back everything I just said. That was amazing.

#248
- I can do it bigger. - You can do it bigger?

#249
- No, Charlie. Let me do it. - Make sure you... Wait.

#250
God damn it.

#251
- You burned my head. - I think I burned him.

#252
- Easy, camper. - Jesus Christ.

#253
- Relax. You're gonna feel better. - How can I relax? Just stop.

#254
Do you have anything other than a towel and duct tape?

#256
- We're going to a hospital. - Actually, bro, you know what?

#257
We're gonna be done with your plans for a little while.

#258
Because the system you set up... It ain't working.

#259
So, I got a new system. Me, both the brains and the looks.

#260
You're still gonna be the wild card, that fireball you blew was badass.

#261
It was great, right? You just kinda got in the way.

#262
Mac, check this out, though. You're gonna be the muscle.

#263
No, I think we gotta stick to the paradigm that we've set up.

#264
- The "A-Team", "Scooby-Doo"... - No.

#265
- Your paragon is failing us. - It's a paradigm, but yeah.

#266
- It wasn't working. - It's not working.

#267
What happened was we confused your bossiness with braininess,

#268
and those two are very different things.

#269
- That is what happened. - So, check it out, though, man.

#271
We're gonna steal Frank's rape van because driving around

#272
with all that gasoline is ruining the interior of my car.

#273
- And I just... I won't have it. - No.

#274
Then we're gonna take that van and we're gonna offer something

#275
that gas stations just can't offer. - What?

#276
Gasoline directly to their doorsteps.

#277
Door-to-door gasoline salesmen. Dude, that's amazing.

#278
- That's a brilliant plan, right? - Fine. Then I'll be the muscle.

#279
I'll muscle these pricks into buying the gas and...

#280
Actually, why don't you muscle your way back by the van,

#281
because you look like a burned-up freak.

#282
A look is gonna be a big part of this.

#283
- I'm gonna get some disguises. - Why would we need disguises?

#284
So people don't know who we are, you know?

#285
They already don't know who we are.

#286
You're not letting the wild card do his thing.

#287
- Is there any reason behind that? - Wild card.

#290
He has a seven iron.

#291
(sharp smack on baby monitor)

#292
How has he been sitting there watching golf for three hours?

#294
Shit. Cut it off.

#295
God damn it. Now he's suspicious of us.

#296
- You are such a bad hider. - I'm a bad hider?

#298
I bet you still hide your money in your sock drawer.

#299
(scoffs) My sock drawer? Come on. That would be stupid.

#300
- You do. You're lying to me. - I'm not lying to you.

#301
I'm getting outta here. This is a setup.

#302
You're setting me up, and I'm getting the hell out.

#303
- Frank, get back here. - You're not gonna do this to me.

#304
- Get out of here! - God damn it.

#305
- They're on the move. - I know what's going on.

#306
You think I was born yesterday?

#307
- Okay, go. Go, Mac. DEE: What are you talking about?

#308
Don't lie to me. I have my ways of finding out things. You'll be...

#309
Is that a Muslim guy? He's getting in my van.

#310
(engine starting) (tires screeching)

#311
Shit! (groans)

#312
(car alarm blaring)

#313
- Come on, man. - Seriously?

#314
Hey!

#315
No! No! No!

#316
(door closing)

#317
DENNIS: Let me do the talking.

#319
I'm not gonna talk with an accent. It's bad enough that disguise.

#321
Yeah, but we don't need bolo ties and stupid hats.

#322
DENNIS: Hello, ma'am. What a lovely house dress.

#323
(exaggerated Southern accent) You're looking all sorts of good.

#324
You a sweet, sophisticated, nice, busy, young lady,

#325
so we're not gonna waste your time today.

#326
We're just a couple oilmen in from Dallas,

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