Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S04E03 — America's Next Top Paddy's Billboard Model Contest

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 4, Episode 3 — America's Next Top Paddy's Billboard Model Contest

#1
DENNIS: You better have a good reason

#2
for getting us out of bed this early, jerk.

#3
FRANK: I got a goddamn great reason for getting you out of bed.

#4
This bar is hemorrhaging money.

#5
You gotta spend money to make money. Economics 101, dude.

#6
You're bleeding us to death,

#8
That is for business expenses, Frank.

#9
Everything on there is a business expense.

#10
Who spent $500 for laser hair removal?

#11
Right over here, slick. Don't wanna have hair down there. (laughs)

#12
Who spent $5,000 for a samurai sword?

#13
Your head of security.

#14
Just wait till he saves your life one day with it.

#15
$6,000 on a camcorder.

#16
I've decided what I'm gonna do is I'm going to take

#17
all those hilarious characters

#18
I've been creating over the past several years.

#19
I'm gonna put 'em on tape. I'm gonna put 'em on YouTube.

#20
That way I can get discovered by a casting director or producer,

#21
get some kind of a TV development deal.

#22
Right. So the point is, Frank, these are all business expenses.

#23
I mean, some are definitely more realistic than others.

#24
- Yeah, not that one. - No, not at all.

#25
But nonetheless, it was, I believe, bought as a business expense, so...

#26
They're not business expenses. What I bought is a business expense.

#27
What I bought is something that's gonna save our asses.

#28
- Okay. Yeah. All right. - All right. What'd you get?

#29
I bought a billboard.

#30
(music)

#31
Okay, so I'm thinking we write on the billboard in nice big letters,

#32
"We have two for one drink specials on Thursdays."

#33
And on the bottom, you got a hilarious picture of Greenman

#34
kicking someone in the nuts.

#36
It is absolutely astonishing how bad your ideas are.

#37
How is that a bad idea?

#38
Go sit down. The adults are working.

#39
When we need a child, we'll call you.

#40
Now, Dennis, you and I on the same team,

#41
hot chick up on the billboard, sex sells, boom.

#42
Oh, absolutely. It's Advertising 101.

#43
Long legs, taut breasts and tight poopers.

#45
that this is the point in the conversation

#46
where I would volunteer to be the girl on the billboard,

#47
and then you'd talk about how ugly you think I am

#48
and compare me to some sort of giant bird.

#49
- You look so much like a bird. - I was thinking fish recently.

#50
- Really? - Her eyes are so far apart.

#51
They're on the sides of her head.

#52
I don't wanna be on your billboard.

#53
I'm not gonna ask to be because you wouldn't let me be on it anyway.

#54
That's sensible of you not to ask.

#55
For the love of God, there's no way you would be up on that billboard.

#56
- Let me get the point out! - Anything's better than you.

#57
I don't wanna be on your billboard, and I'll tell you why.

#58
I'm gonna take one of my characters,

#59
and I'm gonna launch a viral video and promote Paddy's myself.

#60
A viral video? There's about a billion of those on YouTube.

#61
Who gives a shit, Dee?

#62
You think anybody gives a shit about a billboard? Wake up, donkeys.

#63
The Internet's where it's at and I'm going to be a sensation.

#64
You're totally right. If you don't mind, I'm gonna come with you.

#66
and work it out. That'll get a lot of hits, I think.

#67
You can help me out, but we're not gonna put Greenman into anything.

#68
- We'll see about that. - We won't.

#69
Well, we will. All right. Later, dudes.

#70
S.U. in your A's, don't wear a "C" and "J" all over your B's.

#71
Why would he not wear a "C"?

#72
I don't even know what he's talking about half the time.

#73
Frank, glad you're here. We're talkin' billboard ideas.

#74
Don't waste your time. I know what the billboard's gonna look like.

#75
Two gorgeous girls up there, giant cans,

#76
me in the middle with my thumbs up. Yeah!

#77
That's just simply not gonna happen.

#78
Actually, maybe Frank has a point, dude.

#79
Maybe we should put a dude up there. Certainly not him.

#80
But if we put some hot beefcake, maybe it'll attract more chicks.

#81
That's a good point. Okay, I like that.

#82
Let's slap my picture up there.

#83
It's about time I got my modeling career off the ground anyway.

#84
Don't flatter yourself, you're not gonna be up there

#86
That's ridiculous, Frank. You're... ugly.

#87
- What? - Ugly.

#88
- I'm ugly? - Yeah.

#89
With that anteater nose, you're telling me I'm ugly?

#90
My nose was chiseled by the gods themselves, Frank.

#91
My body was sculpted

#92
to the proportions of Michelangelo's David.

#93
You, on the other hand, well... You're a pit of despair.

#94
Frank, you disgust me. You disgust everyone.

#97
(Irish accent) Good morning, Philadelphia.

#98
I'm Crazy Paddy and I'm coming to you from Paddy's Pub,

#99
telling you to come on down, where we're slashing prices so low,

#100
you won't need a pot of gold to get sloppy.

#101
So come on down to Paddy's. It's insane!

#102
- What is that? - Did you like that?

#103
No. That's not what YouTube videos are like.

#104
That's a great character.

#105
No, that's like a bad commercial you'd see on the cable network.

#106
Maybe you didn't get it. I'm crazy 'cause I'm pricing the beer too low.

#107
I think I got it.

#108
The beer's too low for what average beer prices should be.

#109
Let's just do it again. Maybe throw in some more jokes.

#111
- You can make it. You're funny. - You ready?

#113
Oh! (laughs)

#114
Oh, my God.

#115
- Why? - Now that was funny!

#116
- Dee, that's awesome. - Why would you do that?

#117
- That's what YouTube video is. - Are you insane?

#118
You ever seen the little girl mashing the grapes and slips...

#119
- Why would you do that? - That's what people wanna see!

#120
Oh, my God!

#121
People getting injured or seriously hurt, that's funny!

#122
Okay? Let's just do this. This is... Trust me.

#123
This is what gets hits on YouTube.

#124
- Are you ready? - I was ready from the...

#125
Stop talking! (sighs)

#126
I'm Crazy Paddy.

#127
- No. Okay. - Okay.

#128
- I'm Crazy Paddy. (grunts) - What are you doing?

#129
- You're flinching every time now. - I'm sorry.

#130
I can't concentrate when I'm about to get

#131
blasted in the face with a ball!

#133
- Don't... - Let's just do this.

#134
- Let's just do this. Action! - These...

#135
(screams) - Goddamn! Goddamn! - Yeah! That was funny!

#136
I don't like it, Charlie! I don't think it's funny...

#137
It's too much. It's too much. It just hurts too bad.

#138
Bro, can you believe how many hot chicks showed up

#139
for a casting call for a billboard?

#140
- How have we not done this before? - Yeah, man.

#141
Plus, think about it. Dennis Reynolds, 40 feet tall, shirtless.

#142
(door opens) It's gonna be so perfect.

#143
Let's go. Just take your places over there.

#144
- Frank, what are you doing? - We're lookin' for models, right?

#146
What are you talkin' about, Frank? I'm the male model.

#147
Rex. Rex.

#148
What's Rex for? We don't need Rex.

#149
- Take your shirt off. - You don't need to take it off.

#150
(whistles) Well, if you're looking for that.

#151
(laughs) Now that... That is what you call stallion.

#152
MAC: That is a stallion.

#153
Didn't know you were lookin' for a stallion. I'm a stallion...

#154
Dennis. (groans) You think Frank's got a point here?

#155
I don't think he has a point. I'm a stallion.

#156
(groaning) All right. This is messy.

#157
Look, buddy.

#158
2003 Dennis. Okay, he was Grade "A" prime beefcake.

#159
No one is disputing that. He was a stallion.

#160
But 2008 Dennis is in decline.

#162
I bet if you pop those pants off,

#163
you'll find a bird that just won't quit either,

#164
and I think that'll come in handy in this situation.

#165
I think the problem here is that your body quit.

#166
Your bird quit.

#167
And unfortunately, it's no longer legit.

#168
What the hell are you talking about? My bird?

#169
FRANK: Let's get back to business here.

#170
Attention, ladies! I'm gonna need the "A" cups

#171
to please head for the back door.

#172
(music)

#173
DEE: Charlie, ready with the camera?

#174
Yeah. I'm trying to set it up. It takes a second.

#175
Who the hell is this character that you're doing?

#176
It's a really great one. Her name's Martina Martinez

#177
and she is a streetwise Puerto Rican girl

#178
who's always quick with a sassy comeback.

#179
- You serious? - Yes. It's awesome.

#180
Let's go over what we're doing again. I go up. I talk.

#181
You come with the volleyball,

#183
I'm gonna hit a random person in the face with a volleyball.

#184
Don't come in too early, 'cause I got some material I wanna do

#185
and I don't want you to cut me off.

#186
Because "Saturday Night Live" is gonna really love...

#187
- Do you really think that? - Charlie. Point it that way.

#188
Go, go, go. Go. (clears throat)

#189
I'm horrified that he's here.

#190
(New York accent) Excuse me. Can I talk to youse?

#191
What?

#192
Youse a bunch of white boys, right? Can I ask you a question?

#193
When you be in the clubs and you be dancin', why you look so stupid?

#194
(laughs) I'm just playin'.

#195
So, youse a big man, right, but you got such tiny boots on.

#196
That means you got a small pecker. I'm sorry!

#197
I'm just playin'. I'm Martina Martinez. (Charlie yelling)

#198
- Oh! - Greenman!

#199
Oh. (all laughing)

#200
MAC: Okay, attention!

#201
Ladies, gentlemen, hotties and beefcakes.

#202
You were brought here 'cause you're the most beautiful people

#203
n all of Philadelphia, and as such,

#204
the honor has been bestowed upon all of you

#207
- What is the pay? - The pay, sir,

#208
s getting your face 40 feet up on a billboard!

#209
- There's no pay then? - I just told you what the pay is.

#210
- He told you what the pay was. - The billboard thing.

#211
- Well, I'm outta here. - Fine. Fine! You leave!

#212
We don't need you people. Everybody else!

#214
Competitions like this aren't about money. They're about fame.

#216
and saying, "I'm good enough because I beat everyone else."

#217
"And I got myself up on a billboard."

#218
DENNIS: Not so fast!

#219
- The hell are you doin' here? - I want in the competition.

#220
Approach.

#221
Dennis, I told you. You don't have the right stuff.

#222
I got the right stuff, Frank. I can win this thing. I know it!

#223
All right. Judges' sidebar.

#224
Do you wanna let him in?

#225
He's been talking about this modeling thing for years.

#226
If only to shut him up.

#227
- You're in. - Oh, yeah! Yes!

#228
(shouts and laughs)

#229
(growl and mutters)

#230
(laughs) Okay.

#231
The first competition is the underwear competition.

#232
Boom!

#233
- How's your face, Dee? - How do you think it is, Charlie?

#234
You kept hitting me over and over in the same spot with a volleyball.

#235
And I was explicitly clear no more Greenman.

#236
Greenman's what makes this thing work.

#237
Greenman is not what makes it work, Charlie.

#238
My characters are what make it work.

#239
No more Greenman and we're not doing it anymore.

#240
All right. Geez, relax.

#241
You're nothing without Greenman.

#242
Oh, shit. Dee, you know what?

#243
This is... This is all, like, a bad frame and stuff.

#244
This isn't gonna work. We gotta do it again.

#245
DEE: What? - I meant the camera was too low...

#246
(clears throat) Hey, diary. It's me.

#247
It's Thursday, September 30th, about midnight.

#248
I'm alone, of course, again,

#249
and I just had a little bit too much ice cream.

#250
Interesting.

#251
- Frank, can I talk to you? - What's up?

#252
Originally my plan was to just bang a bunch of models, right?

#254
I feel like I could find my true love here.

#255
You think you could fall in love with one of these broads?

#256
Yeah, dude! Eventually I gotta settle down, right?

#257
Spread my seed. Haven't you ever seen "The Bachelor"?

#258
You get a whole bunch of them together,

#259
you make them compete over you, bing, bang, boom, soul mate.

#260
Woo-hoo. That sounds good. (chuckles)

#261
Okay. You take the girls... and I'll take Dennis and the dudes.

#262
- Really? - Yeah!

#263
- You'll give me the girls? - Absolutely.

#264
- I can have my own competition. - Awesome.

#265
Frank, I don't understand it, but I don't care.

#266
- Thanks, bud. - All right. See ya.

#267
- All right. Whatever. Thank you. - All right.

#268
Where are all my male models? Come forward. Come forward.

#271
Today's theme is "barnyard."

#273
Okay. Here is a baby pool that you are all gonna get into.

#274
And there's a lot of hay, and there's some chickens and ducks.

#275
What the hell? Is that supposed to be dirt? It smells like shit.

#276
It is shit. This is a barnyard.

#277
No one is going to step in shit, all right...

#278
Rex, are you kidding me? Seriously? You're gonna step right in?

#279
I wanna win, bro. Billboard.

#280
(music)

#281
Dee, what is this getup? What are you doing? What is that?

#282
(Chinese accent) Oh, okay. This is Taiwan Tammy.

#283
She on runway and do a drag queen and nails. Oh, thank you.

#284
Are you kidding me? That is extremely racist!

#285
(laughs) Isn't it awesome? I'm so excited about this one.

#286
Good luck to you on that.

#287
Why are your hands in your pockets?

#288
- They're itchy. - Your hands are itchy?

#289
Your hands are in your pockets 'cause they're itchy?

#290
Goddamn it! I knew it! Charlie, what are you doing?

#291
- I said no Greenman! - Greenman sells this whole thing!

#292
It doesn't make any sense! Goddamn it, Charlie!

#293
- Hey! I know you. - What?

#294
Yeah. You that girl. PatheticGirl43.

#295
Pathetic girl?

#296
I almost didn't recognize you in that getup.

#297
But I'd recognize that whiny voice anywhere. Yeah!

#299
- Let's get a picture! - My friends ain't gonna believe it.

#300
- You saw the YouTube thing, right? - Charlie, what is going on?

#301
I'll show you later.

#303
in a place where a sexually active person should have a rash.

#304
Greenman! (cartoon sound effects)

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