Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S07E10 — How Mac Got Fat

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 7, Episode 10 — How Mac Got Fat

#1
Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

#2
It's been one week since my last confession.

#3
Okay, my son.

#4
In the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit,

#5
what is your confession?

#6
I'm fat.

#8
I command thee to smite my friends!

#10
Let's try and remain composed.

#11
Okay, Father, I'll try, but I can't promise anything

#12
'cause I'm pretty excitable.

#14
How did your friends make you fat?

#15
Were they force-feeding you?

#16
Well, no, not exactly.

#18
and then they became monsters,

#19
which in turn made them make me fat.

#20
So, really, I'd like to confess on them,

#21
because they're sinners and pricks.

#22
Son,

#23
I don't think you understand the purpose of confession.

#24
Right. All right.

#25
Sorry, Father. You need the context.

#26
Let me start at the beginning.

#27
Now, my friends and I own and operate a bar

#28
in South Philly, and a few weeks ago,

#29
we became more successful than we ever have before.

#31
Oh, oh, oh!

#32
Look who's back!

#33
I scored a shitload of fireworks.

#34
Out of my way, Frank.

#35
Oh. Hey.

#36
Whoa.

#37
North Carolina. What a hell of a state.

#38
Not now, Frank. We're packed.

#39
What the shit is going on around here?

#40
I really don't get it.

#41
I don't see how we're so popular now.

#42
I just can't wrap my head around this.

#43
Were we doing anything different?

#44
Guys, we may have tipped. Uh-oh.

#45
No, this is a good thing.

#46
This is what happens with success in business.

#47
Hmm?

#48
Okay, if you keep making the right decisions over time,

#49
eventually you will get to a point where you tip

#50
and you become successful.

#52
I totally... Like, check out this decision.

#53
I keep a very clean bar every day, very tidy.

#54
I think people respond to that.

#55
They say, "What was that clean bar I was at the other week?"

#56
And then they show up again.

#57
And then someone says, "Hey, did you see that clean bar? Let's go there."

#58
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And my comedy, you know.

#59
All my... All my funny jokes and stuff that I throw out.

#62
and hilarious jabs I throw at the customers,

#63
and I add all that charm to the place.

#64
That's... That's probably doing it.

#65
Yeah, good-looking guy like myself,

#66
takes pride in his personal appearance,

#67
takes pride in his personal hygiene, has great hair.

#68
You know, you put a guy like that behind the bar,

#69
and people will eventually flock to this man.

#70
That... That's what you're saying, yeah.

#71
That's what you're saying.

#72
Sort of.

#73
- I didn't think it was... - Uh-huh.

#74
Look, the point is that we gotta keep doing what it is that we do.

#75
- Yes. - No matter how psychotically vain...

#76
- Right. - ...or needy and pathetic...

#77
- Yes. - ...or, I mean, just plain sad.

#78
- Right. - Well, let's not put labels on it,

#79
'cause we don't know which one is the one that is the most...

#80
- If we keep doing all of it... - Mmm-hmm.

#81
...then we will keep tipping up.

#82
- Yes. - Nice!

#83
In order to maintain this success,

#84
I do think though we need to get some rest.

#85
Let's do the right thing here for once in our lives,

#86
and let's go home and get a good night's sleep.

#87
But that sleep would never come, Father,

#88
because success was about to change everything.

#89
Hey, Charlie, you asleep?

#90
- Charlie. Are you asleep? - No... No!

#91
- I had a great idea. - I don't want to hear it.

#92
Frank, I'm a successful man now. Okay?

#93
I need to maintain a certain level of excellence,

#94
so I can't have you, like, telling me terrible ideas all night,

#95
'cause that brings me off my excellence, okay?

#96
- Okay, but this is a great idea. - I don't want to...

#97
We take... We take the M-80s that I have

#98
and we stick 'em in some lamb.

#99
And "Pa-chow!" We blow it up!

#100
What are you looking to do?

#101
Like, flash-cook a...

#102
a gyro sandwich?

#103
Yeah. That's a good idea.

#104
- Flash-cook a sandwich. - Oh, my God. Do you...

#105
Cook the meat immediately.

#106
I think what you're talking about is just a meat bomb.

#107
That's a waste of a good lamb.

#108
So if you're done with coming up with terrible ideas,

#109
um, I'm going to go back to bed.

#110
A meat bomb!

#111
You blow it up.

#112
I mean, like, just take the thing and stick it...

#113
I'm going to the crevice!

#114
No, no, no, no! Charlie! Don't go in the crevice.

#115
Charlie, don't go in the crevice.

#116
- I'm going in the crevice, Frank. - Come on, don't go in the crevice.

#117
Oh, come on, man.

#118
Oh, my God!

#119
Yello.

#120
MAC Hey-o. It's Mac. What's up?

#121
- Hey-o! 'Sup? - Yeah, I'm gonna go out and rage.

#122
- Is Charlie there? - Hey, it's Mac. He wants to go rage.

#123
I don't care. I'm in the crevice.

#124
- He's in the crevice. - Shit. He's in the crevice?

#125
I'll come out with you. We'll go out.

#126
You and me, we'll go together, we'll have a ball.

#127
Hello?

#128
I'm not seeing how this relates to your weight gain.

#129
Uh, I'm telling a story, Father.

#130
Frank's not a guy that usually comes up with plans.

#131
I mean, you want to know all the key players

#132
and how success affected them, right?

#133
Well, I think your time could be better spent

#134
if you focused more on yourself.

#135
But I haven't done very much wrong.

#136
Okay, you know what, Father? I'm just going to plow ahead.

#137
Because I'm sensing some resistance.

#138
And Dennis always tells me, never let someone's resistance

#139
stop you from getting what you want.

#140
So, the bar's success continued.

#141
But Dee's inflated ego about her comedy

#142
was keeping her from doing her job.

#143
Kids these days,

#144
they have so many more choices than we had when we were little.

#145
- Am I right? I mean, it's like... - Excuse me? Excuse me.

#146
Do you want to watch Kung Fu Panda on Blu-ray...

#147
Excuse me.

#148
- Oh, my God. Yeah? - We are still waiting on those beers.

#149
Yeah! I know.

#150
Right in the middle of a joke.

#151
And now where was I with it?

#152
Can, um, we get those margaritas that we ordered a while ago as well?

#153
- That'd be great. - Yeah. Can I finish the joke?

#154
'Cause the funny part comes at the end,

#155
- so you're going to miss it... - Right.

#156
- ...if you don't... - You keep trying to tell jokes...

#158
- Well, they're not really landing. - Oh! They're not landing

#159
because I'm not getting to the punch line,

#160
so if you could just be patient and let me get it out.

#161
- Kids these days... - Okay.

#162
- ...have so many more choices... - No, don't.

#163
Don't try to finish the joke. Don't try to finish the joke.

#164
I'm not gonna even listen. I just want my margarita.

#165
- Do you want Kung Fu Panda... - I just want my margarita.

#167
Why do we have this? What is this?

#168
Dude, where the hell have you been?

#169
Uh, slept in.

#170
You slept in? It's, like, almost the middle of the night, man.

#171
Why were you sleeping in?

#172
Oh, God. Well, because I drank three bottles of champagne

#173
and hung out with a stray dog all night

#175
Can I please get, like, 20 margaritas so this bitch will listen to my kid joke?

#176
Okay, first of all, your jokes never land. All right?

#177
So please don't concentrate on your comedy anymore.

#178
'Cause it's terrible, all right? I'm sorry.

#179
I said it. Look, can we just do what we normally do?

#181
I'm in over my head,

#182
I'm yelling at customers 'cause I'm getting a little agitated here.

#183
Can Dennis please come here and do this? Where is Dennis?

#184
Dennis is in the bathroom, and he's been there for, like, an hour!

#185
Okay, company meeting in the bathroom. Okay, guys?

#186
Company meeting. Let's go.

#187
Dennis! Where are you, bud?

#188
Company meeting!

#189
Uh, I'm in here.

#190
All right. Good, man. Hop on out. Company meeting.

#191
- I don't want to. - You have to. It's a company meeting.

#192
- You have to... - No.

#194
Oh, no. No, no, don't bash. Don't bash.

#195
I'll come out. I'll come out.

#196
Oh!

#197
Uh, I saw a couple gray hairs, and I was, like,

#198
"I'll eradicate those," and then...

#199
- With black paint? - Well, just go easy on me. All right?

#200
Don't make fun of me or anything. I feel very sensitive right now.

#201
It's hard to maintain all this.

#202
You look like Superman.

#203
Oh, cool. Yeah, right on. Well, he was the original, right? So...

#204
- The original what? - Superhero.

#205
- He was, like... - Is that what you're going for?

#206
- No. - Dude, come on!

#207
It wouldn't be that obvious, like, if you didn't know me.

#208
You'd be, "Oh, shit. Maybe that's Superman."

#209
No, you wouldn't! Everyone knows who Superman is,

#210
and they know it's not you!

#211
- Shit. Right. - Guys, come on!

#212
Clearly, success is starting to get to all of us!

#213
We can't be Superman!

#214
Yeah, no shit. I'm running around like an animal out there.

#215
I mean, all I'm doing is serving drinks!

#216
You're supposed to serve drinks. You're a waitress.

#217
People need their drinks, and we need a waitress to serve those drinks!

#218
Guys, don't change now. All right?

#219
We have a certain chemistry that got us here to begin with, all right?

#220
We don't need to start...

#221
Aw, that's terrible!

#222
Let's just get back out there and step it up a little bit. Please?

#223
Let's just get back to work, man,

#224
- and do what we do. Okay? - You're not good.

#225
"Back to work.

#226
Back to work, everybody!

#227
I'm Charlie, and I'm in charge all of a sudden."

#228
Are you eating in there?

#229
Uh, yeah.

#230
I got some doughnuts and some M&M's and some, uh, chips.

#231
I could pass them through if you want some.

#232
You aren't allowed to eat in here!

#233
I'm sorry, Father. I have enough.

#234
If you want a doughnut, I could give you one.

#235
You better put that away

#236
or come back when you're finished.

#237
Okay. I'm done. Done.

#238
Uh, so Charlie was up all night working,

#239
and Frank kept coming up with plans, and they were not good.

#240
Oh, shit.

#241
Oh, my God. It's morning already, huh?

#242
Ow!

#243
Hey, that's good.

#244
- You wanna do that to people? - What is that? What are you doing?

#245
It's a plan. We'll do it to people. We'll go around...

#246
Look at that. Look at the look on your face. That's so good!

#247
Frank, I don't even think you know what a plan is, dude.

#248
All right, I got something else I've been working on all night.

#249
Come on. Come with me. Lock up. Let's go.

#250
- Don't hit me with the stick again. - Come with me.

#251
Oh, my God.

#252
Okay, Charlie? All right, look at this now.

#253
- I put two extra stop signs. - Yeah.

#254
- Now there's four stop signs. - All right.

#255
So no cars can go.

#256
Frank, you've just created a four-way intersection.

#257
If anything, you've made this intersection safer.

#258
No shit.

#259
Oh.

#260
Look, dude, I don't have time for these shenanigans.

#261
All right? I need sleep.

#262
I'm a success now. I'm trying so hard not to tip.

#263
- Ow! - You need sleep?

#264
Stop hitting me with the stick, dude.

#265
- This is the plan. - I swear to God.

#266
- This is the one we should have done. - Don't hit me with that anymore.

#267
That was the one.

#268
You little bitch!

#269
And Charlie was, like, "I'm gonna jam that stick up your ass!"

#270
And then Frank was, like, "Come here, you little bitch! Goddamn it!"

#271
You don't need to repeat all of the obscene language.

#272
Oh. I'm sorry, Father. I...

#273
I got lost in the moment

#274
because I'm a natural storyteller.

#275
Anyway, I was being super prudent.

#276
And I was mapping out my successful lifestyle...

#277
you know, champagne, sailing.

#278
I've always wanted to sail.

#279
I was really the only one who was handling the success

#280
with class, to be honest with you,

#281
and when Dee interrupted me

#282
with some lazy plan to get out of working.

#283
- Lazy's a sin, right? - Uh, you mean sloth?

#284
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Dee is guilty of sloth.

#285
And she's pro-abortion.

#286
Hey. Okay, listen to this.

#287
One sec.

#288
Just picking out the places I want to avoid when I sail across the world.

#289
- No Africa for you, huh? - No.

#290
I don't want to go to any poor places, you know.

#291
Successful guy like myself, I'll have a target on my back.

#292
Right.

#293
- So, I guess that's, uh... - Okay. Well...

#294
- And, uh, too cold. - Yeah.

#295
Ugh. Too violent. Yeah, it's hot down there.

#296
- Too angry. - Oh, the whole thing.

#297
Just gonna sail around the United States is what it looks like. That's all...

#298
Uh, well, I probably want to avoid, like, this.

#299
Yeah. I don't blame you for that.

#300
- And I don't know what happens out here. - Okay, I tell you what.

#301
Uh, while you were planning all of this,

#302
I came up with an amazing idea

#303
that's gonna save everything for us.

#304
You ready for this?

#305
We get ourselves replacements.

#306
- That's not a very good idea. - Well, stay with me.

#307
They're not just any replacements.

#308
They'll be the total embodiment of us in looks and personality,

#309
so that we maintain the same group chemistry and avoid tipping.

#310
- So they'll be like our avatars? - Sure, if that helps you.

#311
- Let's tell Dennis. - Okay, yeah.

#312
Hey, hey, hey, Dennis, wake up.

#313
I'm not sleeping.

#314
What are you doing? Why are you hiding under the covers?

#315
Mmm.

#316
My God!

#317
Do I look foolish?

#318
Well, what in God's name have you done to your face?

#319
I got a chemical peel.

#320
You look like a monster, dude.

#321
I was just trying to live up to all of your expectations of me.

#322
What expectations?

#323
Physical perfection.

#324
What?

#325
Clearly, the success of the bar has proved

#326
that I have achieved physical perfection.

#327
And now there's nowhere else for me to go

#328
but down from here.

#329
So now I'm hanging on by a thread.

#330
Why don't you lay off the skin treatments for a while?

#331
Yeah, yeah.

#332
Oh. You don't think I should mess with my face anymore?

#333
Well, right now it looks like you're wearing a mask of yourself over your face.

#334
- Mmm-hmm. - Not a good one?

#335
- Not a nice mask of myself? - Not a good one.

#336
Do you guys think that a normal mask of me would look good?

#337
- Oh, my God. - And if there was, would you guys wear it?

#338
- What is happening? - I'm very confused.

#339
I'm going to be alone.

#340
Okay.

#341
And without Dennis to shit all over Dee's ideas with me,

#342
I was lured into her very lazy, slothy, sinful avatar plan.

#343
Mmm. I got to say, I like what I'm seeing here.

#344
- Mmm-hmm. - Yeah, let me, uh...

#345
Let me just fill you in on what we're doing here.

#346
See, Mac and I run the hottest bar in Philadelphia,

#347
and we are looking for a couple of employees to fill our shoes, literally.

#348
Mmm. That said, there's a set of dumbbells to your feet there.

#349
I'd like you to lift those and curl them, but don't do it in a normal way.

#350
- Now, this is for a bartending job, right? - Yeah.

#351
Yeah, this is all part of it. Now, get to work, beefcake.

#352
Okay.

#353
Guess I can fire off a couple reverse curls.

#354
He said "Fire off." I like that.

#355
- Yeah, I heard him. - I like that. Look...

#356
Look at that. Excellent!

#357
Oh, man! He executed those perfectly.

#358
Knows exactly what I'm talking about.

#359
I'd like to fast-track him, Dee. He's perfect.

#360
What? For you?

#361
- Yeah, of course. - What do... He looks nothing like you.

#362
Well, no. I mean, since we've been working,

#363
I've been neglecting my fitness regimen. He understands.

#364
No, no, no, no. You never, ever once in your life have looked like that.

#365
When I leave the gym, and I have a full pump...

#366
Yeah?

#367
Dee was right though.

#368
For me to use that gorgeous muscle monster as my avatar,

#369
I had to put on some serious bulk.

#370
So did you go to the gym?

#371
The gym?

#372
Father, when Peter did the statue of David,

#373
he wasn't just hammering at pebbles.

#374
First, he ordered the Jews

#375
to bring him a massive slab of marble.

#376
Okay. Let's wrap this up.

#377
Right. Okay, so Charlie was working his ass off.

#378
Uh, but the customers were getting just as frustrated as he was.

#379
Clearly, the pressures of success

#380
were cracking both he and Dennis.

#381
Hang on a second. Hang on a second.

#382
I got this guy. I got my man right here.

#383
You're the one who wanted the, uh, two Coors Lights

#384
and the gin and tonic. Is that right?

#385
No. I've been waiting half an hour for a Jack and coke.

#386
You've been waiting half an hour? You've been waiting half an hour?

#387
Well, with an attitude like that, you can wait another half an hour, buddy.

#388
Hey, this drink tastes like bleach.

#389
Because I'm dipping them in bleach so that I can clean them faster.

#390
I don't have time to wash every single glass.

#391
I dip it in bleach! Then it's clean!

#392
- I'm not drinking bleach. - Then get out of my bar!

#393
Get out of my bar!

#394
I don't want to see you! Is that your buddy?

#395
- You go with him! - No. I don't even know him.

#396
You don't even know him! Okay, well,

#397
become friends on your walk home!

#398
Get out!

#399
- Unbelievable. - What's going on, man?

#400
What's going on, dude, is that I'm completely overwhelmed.

#401
I suck at bartending! I'm going crazy!

#402
Everyone's yelling at me!

#403
They're getting all pissed off!

#404
Why is your face shiny?

#405
I had my skin peeled off with chemicals.

#406
- Yeah? - Want to know why?

#407
- Not really. - Well, it's just, uh,

#408
you know, I've created a level of success for myself that, uh...

#409
I just don't know if I can live up to it anymore, man.

#410
My level of excellence is so high

#411
that I'm feeling the pressures, man.

#412
Dude, I'm operating at such an excellent level. It's insane.

#413
You know, I'm running at a 10 of excellence,

#414
and I'm used to being at whatever number.

#415
I don't even want to be at, like, somewhere lower. But whatever.

#416
The point is that I'm not going to let the bar down.

#417
You know what I mean?

#418
Hey, being on the tipping point is about working hard

#419
and caring about that work and really giving it your all.

#420
Let's get high in the back office.

#421
- Let's get high and drop all this, right? - Yeah.

#422
Yeah.

#423
Deandra, you got to...

#424
All you have to do is hold the pigeon.

#425
I stick the M-80 under its wing. I blow it up.

#426
No, Frank. I'm not gonna help you detonate a pigeon.

#427
That would be terrible publicity for a young comedienne.

#428
Well, you don't have to do anything.

#429
I just stick... We stick the pigeon in there, we run,

#430
the flock blows up, we got a lot of tasty meat.

#431
Hold on, hold on.

#432
- We've got a pigeon feast! - Shut up! Shut up! What's going on?

#433
Where is everyone? I have all kinds

#434
- of new bits and no audience. - Oh, shit.

#435
Maybe we tipped too soon.

#436
No. No! I was just starting to get a taste of success.

#437
I need more.

#438
- What's that? - Music.

#439
- Coming from the back. - Back here?

#440
What?

#441
Hey! What the hell are you dick bags doing back here?

#442
The bar is completely empty!

#443
I'm watching Charlie do his thing, and it's good, man.

#444
It's, like, good.

#445
It looks like we did tip, Deandra.

#446
We might as well sin and get high.

#447
I mean, I'm a sinner too, right?

#448
- Oh, Mac's the best! Isn't he? - Oh, I love him.

#449
Also, I'm pro-abortion, so I'm probably going straight to hell.

#450
Ho-ho! And I got fat. I'm much fatter than Mac!

#451
- You're so fat, and, uh... - Oh, big, fat, big, fat.

#452
Big, fat titties. Big, fat ass.

#453
You got big, fat titties. And I like to kill babies.

#454
Unborn babies.

#455
I'm not exactly sure

#456
how that conversation went, but I imagine

#457
it was along those lines.

#458
The point is, six weeks later, they dropped a bomb on me.

#459
We're not idiots. Of course I'm going to take the precaution

#460
of boiling the blood

#461
- before I use it. - That goes without saying.

#462
It doesn't matter if you boil it, Charlie.

#463
You can't... You can't replace Frank's blood

#464
with bags of blood that you found behind a hospital.

#465
- But wait, wait... - It just won't work.

#466
Dennis, he's not going to replace my blood.

#467
He's going to add to it to make me more virile.

#468
I'm just pumping more in.

#469
So you're just gonna be bursting at the seams with blood?

#470
- Yeah! - Oh, yeah.

#471
Hey-o! What's up, bitches?

#472
I did it. I'm 200 pounds.

#473
- I'm as big as my avatar. - What's an avatar?

#474
You know, the avatar that we're going to get

#475
to do all of our work for us,

#476
so I can go sailing and Dee can tell her stupid jokes.

#477
And Dennis can pour more acid on his face.

#478
Are we still doing that?

#479
No. We gave that plan up a really long time ago.

#480
Is that why you've been stuffing your face for six weeks?

#481
Yeah! I've been trying to get as big as my avatar, so we don't tip.

#482
Dude, that was, like, a million plans ago.

#483
All of us, including you,

#484
we've been engaged in many other plans and schemes

#485
since then. Where have you been?

#486
- You guys dropped the tipping point? - Yeah.

#487
I thought we were just putting it on the back burner

#488
until I hit two hundo.

#489
Why do you think we've been calling you fat this entire time?

#490
Why wouldn't somebody tell me that we dropped the plan?

#491
Stop chewing on food and start thinking about

#492
what's going on in the bar and in your life!

#493
Don't make fun of me, okay?

#494
I'm busting my ass out there trying to do the avatar plan,

#495
and now you guys are laughing at me!

#496
But you have candy coming out of your pocket!

#497
I was hungry! I was hungry!

#498
Don't laugh at me!

#499
- Don't laugh at me! - "Don't laugh at me!"

#500
He can't do it!

#501
- What are you doing? - Is he trying to rip his shirt off?

#502
You guys are going to hell! Okay?

#503
You guys are going to hell! Don't laugh at me!

#504
- Don't laugh at me! - "Don't laugh at me!"

#505
And that's it. So now you understand.

#506
I understand none of it.

#507
Father, my friends totally boned me.

#508
They became successful, egotistical monsters.

#509
They forced me into this avatar thing,

#510
and now they're totally ditching the plan.

#511
But it's all about the avatar. The beefcake avatar.

#512
But you weren't gonna understand that

#513
unless I told you the whole story.

#514
I'm going to be perfectly honest.

#515
I still don't know what you want me to do.

#516
Okay, um, let me start at the beginning,

#517
- because clearly you didn't understand it. - No, no, no!

#518
No, no, no. That won't be necessary.

#519
If, uh...

#520
If I smite your friends and absolve you, will you leave?

#521
Yeah.

#522
You're absolved, and your friends are smited.

#523
In the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. Please leave.

#524
Okay, great.

#525
Oh, um, when should I see the results?

#526
What are you talking about?

#527
When does the spell kick in?

#528
When is God gonna shed some of this weight for me?

#529
Six weeks.

#530
Great. Not hard. Perfect.

#531
Uh, glory unto You, ghost man in the sky,

#532
that created us all and predetermines everything.

#533
I'll see you in six weeks.

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