Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S04E04 — Mac's Banging the Waitress

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 4, Episode 4 — Mac's Banging the Waitress

#1
MAC: Okay, it's 2:30 on a Wednesday. Philadelphia, PA.

#2
Hello, America. Mac here...

#3
With another installment of Project Badass.

#5
I will now light the pyrotechnics...

#6
Which are attached at the arms and back and all over my pants.

#7
Totally and completely badass. Here we go!

#8
Three, two, one.

#9
#Here I go again on my own

#10
(Mac laughing) Ooh!

#11
- Yeah! - Oh, Jesus!

#13
I actually found that to be pretty goddamn entertaining.

#14
I gotta be honest. You have more of those?

#16
I've been working my ass off on these videos.

#17
Has Charlie seen these? He'd love 'em.

#18
I showed it to him. He acted like he liked it.

#19
He even asked me to keep one of the videocassettes for multiple views.

#20
And then when I wasn't around, I saw him smashing one.

#21
- Smashing it? - I don't know what his problem is.

#22
He's been completely pissing me off recently.

#23
- I worked so hard on those tapes. - Why?

#24
- Hmm? - Why?

#25
- To show how badass I am. CHARLIE: Code red. Code red!

#26
Code red, guys! Guys, we got a code red on our hands!

#27
- What? (panting)- Oh, my God. Check it out.

#28
According to my sources, the waitress is seeing somebody.

#29
- Do you know who this guy is? - No. I have no idea, man.

#30
I just got a shady readout on the guy. Tell you what, Mac.

#31
Seeing how you're my best friend, maybe you can look into it for me.

#32
- Go down there. Snoop around. - Can I stop you for a second?

#33
I'm sorry. I'm a little confused here.

#34
You said he was your best friend? How is he your best friend over me?

#35
Well, I mean... You banged the waitress.

#36
Do I have to explain that to you? That rubbed me the wrong way, dude.

#37
Okay. I mean, you know, I don't see how that

#38
should factor into whether we're best friends or not.

#39
To be honest with you, I'm a little shocked.

#40
I'm kinda... I'm thunderstruck.

#41
Oh, well, I'm sorry, man. But I didn't mean to hurt you.

#42
I didn't mean to thunderstrike you. But I don't know what to tell you.

#44
how it is that you consider Mac to be a better friend to you.

#45
This is becoming awkward when I have a real problem!

#46
All of a sudden it's about some weird feelings thing!

#47
It's not about your feelings now, but my feelings. I have a problem.

#48
Mac, do you think you can find this guy and kick his ass for me?

#49
Absolutely, bro. I will find this guy and I will kick his ass.

#50
You know why? Because you and I are best friends.

#51
(doorbell rings)

#52
He's onto us.

#53
(music)

#54
(doorbell buzzes)

#55
- Hey, hey! - Hey.

#56
- Hey, what's up, buddy? How are ya? - Good.

#58
Until Mac and I take care of a little business.

#59
You stay as long as you want to 'cause that's what friends do.

#60
They let each other stay at each other's apartments.

#61
- They hang out with each other. - Absolutely.

#62
We can do that. Do some bonding.

#63
Maybe go over the best friend thing a couple more times.

#64
Where are you going with that?

#65
I was gonna throw your sleeping bag in my room. You can stay with me.

#67
I'm sure he wouldn't mind. My room's a lot bigger.

#68
I'm just gonna stick with the plan here.

#69
Okay. Listen, man, since you're here and you got all this beer,

#70
let's crack a couple of 'em open, let's get tipsy.

#71
Yeah, but the beer is for me and Mac. You know?

#72
- It doesn't have to be, though. - Celebrate the ass kicking.

#73
Well, I mean, there's 24 beers there if I'm counting right.

#74
12 for me and 12 for Mac. That's sort of our thing that we do.

#75
You guys are gonna drink that many? Just the two of you? Tonight?

#76
We could do something else. Let's do something else!

#77
Hey, board games, man! Let's have a board game night.

#78
- Chinese checkers. - That's kinda foreign to me.

#79
I got Clue. We could solve a mystery together.

#81
What about Connect 4? Connect 4's a fun game.

#82
- Lot of counting. - It's... not that much counting.

#83
It's just one, two, three, and then four you win.

#84
But a lot of times you gotta count that much.

#85
Not that many times. If you get it once, you've won the game.

#86
So, you're...

#87
- Have you ever spent any... - Kinda in...

#88
- I'm in your way. - My way.

#89
Yeah. Cool.

#90
Let's watch a movie. That's simple. That doesn't require any...

#91
We can just sit down and watch... I bought a bunch of new DVDs.

#92
- Yeah, I got a lot of work to do. - What are you... What is that?

#93
Oh, nothing. I just got a couple long-range walkie-talkies.

#94
Oh, cool. Did you get one for me?

#95
I...did...not.

#96
That's all right. I mean, we could probably just... (beeps)

#97
Who has the other one?

#98
(beeps) Mac probably.

#99
(music)

#100
- All right, let's do this. - What are you doing?

#101
- Popping my pants off. - Why?

#102
Because we're gonna bang.

#103
To shove it into Charlie's face for smashing my tape.

#104
How many times do we have to go through this?

#105
I know what your little plan is.

#106
If I am gonna bang you, it's gonna be on my own terms.

#107
There's some things that I need from you. (grunts)

#108
All right, whatever. I'll wear the goddamn condom.

#110
Do you really not wear condoms when you have sex with strangers?

#111
- Why would I wear a condom if... - Okay, I don't care.

#112
I just need you to get me in Dennis' house alone

#114
- What? - None of your business.

#115
- Is it a sex tape? - No.

#116
Yes. How do you know that?

#117
He videotapes every chick he bangs. He's got a thousand of them.

#118
I don't like 'em though.

#119
It's mostly that horrible angle that you see in porns,

#120
where it's all balls and male ass just...

#121
- That's disgusting. - Who likes that and finds it sexy?

#122
- Are there balls and asshole... - Please stop doing that.

#124
Eesh. I'm gonna take this.

#125
Then maybe later we can do some hand stuff.

#126
- Are you in junior high? - Mouth stuff?

#127
- Oh, my God. - Mouth stuff.

#128
Best Friend 1 to Best Friend 2, come in.

#129
Hey, buddy. What's up?

#130
What's the status, Best Friend 2? You make contact with target?

#131
Yeah. Affirmative. I totally kicked his ass.

#132
Good, man!

#133
Hey, what was this jerk's name?

#134
His name? Um...

#135
- Don. - Don. Typical.

#136
- You get a last name on this chump? - Yeah. Johnson.

#137
Yeah. Sounds like a real sucker.

#138
Actually, no. He had some sweet moves.

#139
But I totally roundhoused him. Took him out.

#140
- My form was pretty perfect. - I'm sure you did.

#141
I'm sure you did. That's my man. That's my best friend right there.

#142
Why don't you head back to the nest for some pizza and beer.

#143
Best Friend 1, over and out. (static humming)

#144
He forgot to say, "Over and out." I can't believe that.

#145
He's lying.

#146
He's spinning you a web of lies, Charlie.

#147
- What are you talking about, dude? - Don Johnson?

#148
You don't find that a little suspicious?

#149
No. Should I? (chuckles)

#150
Don Johnson's the dude from "Miami Vice", Charlie.

#152
I don't think so.

#153
Then maybe he beat up the Don Johnson you're talking about.

#154
No, it's something else. Something stinks here, bro.

#155
And it is not just Mac's dirty socks.

#157
Really bad!

#158
I'm surprised you've been in here for this long

#159
without cracking a window.

#160
I should crack a window. I tried. It's like they're ealed shut.

#161
I hate to say this, bro, but...

#162
I think Mac's banging the waitress.

#163
- What are you talking about? - Hey.

#164
I can't say for sure. I don't have any hard evidence.

#166
And he's gonna break your heart, man.

#167
And when he breaks your heart, I'll be here

#168
to pick up the pieces and put you back together.

#169
'Cause that's what a real best friend does.

#170
You know where to find me.

#171
Over and out.

#172
(music)

#173
Oh, my God.

#174
Jesus Christ, dude. You scared the shit out of me.

#175
(slurring) A little late, isn't it?

#176
Yeah. Yeah. What are you still doing up?

#177
Oh, well, you know, I was just waiting for my...

#178
My best friend.

#179
Right. Well, I went on a long walk, so...

#180
Hey, here's an idea for you.

#181
How about you take your mind off of it

#182
with some pizza and some beer?

#183
Oh, that's right.

#184
I ate all the pizza and I drank all the beer.

#185
You must be wasted, dude. 24 beers by yourself?

#186
And... I'm very wasted.

#187
Right. Okay. Why don't you come to bed, bro?

#188
Oh, I don't think I'm gonna be sleeping in your bed tonight.

#189
Doesn't really feel right.

#190
I feel like it might be a little bit better for me...

#191
f I spent the night on the couch.

#192
Okay. That's cool. Just make sure you go to the bathroom

#193
before you sleep 'cause I don't want you to piss on the couch again.

#195
No, we wouldn't.

#196
'Cause that would be a terrible thing to do.

#197
Terrible and...

#198
Seriously, if you piss on the couch again...

#199
- I'm not gonna piss... - Just want to be very clear.

#200
You're buying us a new one if you piss on the couch.

#201
Just don't piss on the couch. You've done it before.

#202
- All right, good night. - I can control myself.

#203
(music)

#204
Didn't sound like best friend talk out here to me.

#205
No, it... It really wasn't.

#207
I think that sounds just fine.

#208
Come on, Charlie. Come to your real best friend.

#209
- Yeah. You're my friend. - I'm your friend.

#210
- My God! Your breath is horrible. - Sorry. I'm like so drunk.

#211
Oh, Jesus. Just get in the bed. Oh, my God.

#212
(Charlie snoring)

#213
(whispers) Dennis?

#214
Dennis, wake up.

#215
Wake up. (grunts)

#216
- What time is it? - Shh. It's really late, dude.

#217
There's a certain situation developing between myself,

#218
Charlie, and the waitress that I need to talk to you about.

#219
- Proceed. - Okay.

#220
Well, as you know, Charlie thinks that he and I are best friends,

#221
which is total bullshit.

#222
Because you know that what we have is much stronger than that.

#223
- You and I are blood brothers. - Most definitely.

#224
So as my blood brother, I need to confide a secret to you.

#225
- You've been banging the waitress? - How'd you know that?

#226
Blood brother. I know more about you than you know about yourself.

#227
Listen, bro. I need you to do me a favor.

#228
Can you get Charlie out of the apartment tomorrow?

#229
Why?

#230
'Cause she wants to bang in your bed.

#231
I don't know. She's obsessed with you. She's a total freak.

#232
(snores) I don't give a shit either way because I want to rub it

#233
n Charlie's face for smashing my Project Badass tape.

#234
Whatever it's gonna take to finally get you two banging.

#235
- Dennis, I got you something. - You got me something?

#236
- What? - I got you a walkie-talkie.

#237
- Dude, that's great. - Now we can communicate better.

#239
- That's awesome, man. - It's good, right?

#240
Thank you. (laughs)

#241
(grunts) Shh, shh.

#242
Well...

#243
- Hey. - Hey, Charlie.

#244
Well, what is this?

#245
- What am I seeing? - Nothing, man.

#246
- You're having a dream right now. - Yeah. Just a dream.

#247
- I'm dreaming? - Yep.

#248
- Yeah, dreaming. - Yep.

#249
You sure? I feel like I'm awake.

#250
No, man. You're... This is a dream that you're having.

#251
All right.

#252
Am I peeing? (liquid streaming)

#253
- Are you peeing? - He's pissing all over the bed!

#254
I told him he was gonna do it! He drank too much!

#255
DENNIS: Goddamn it! - Guys, if I'm peeing, wake me up.

#256
DENNIS: But that had to change your mind

#257
about who your real best friend is though.

#258
I'll give you this much, dude. The guy's acting very weird.

#259
But I need proof if I'm gonna sell him down the river.

#260
Proof? He told me he was gonna bang her, man.

#261
Maybe the two of you are plotting against me.

#262
Look, it doesn't matter. I got a plan to prove it to you.

#263
- What's this plan of yours? - Walk with me.

#264
I planted that walkie-talkie that Mac gave me in my bedroom.

#265
We're gonna switch to that channel and listen to the whole thing.

#266
We're gonna catch that son of a bitch red-handed.

#267
Oh, my God. That'll work.

#268
Yeah, and the whole thing's gonna be on tape too.

#269
You know that video camera I keep in my bedroom?

#271
It's like a security cam. Except it's for banging.

#272
- Weird. - Come to the office with me.

#273
(music)

#274
Yeah, he keeps that camera running nonstop, just in case.

#275
Yeah! Here we go. "W" through "Z!"

#276
- You should be under "W," yeah? - My name doesn't start with a "W."

#277
"Waitress." Here we go. "Waitress, coffee shop."

#278
- One star. Not good. - Oh, just give that to me.

#279
- One star. - Well, I guess a deal's a deal.

#280
So pop those knickers off so we can jam.

#281
Not just yet. I need one more thing from you.

#282
Jesus Christ. I just want to bang at this point just to get it over with.

#283
I want to get it over with too,

#284
but I want you to bang me at Charlie and Frank's apartment.

#285
You want to bang in Charlie and Frank's apartment?

#286
Yeah, that'll be good. We can rub his face in it.

#287
If we're gonna do that, we gotta be very careful.

#288
I don't want to get caught slipping in and out before the coitus.

#289
- Let's make a plan. - Okay.

#290
Goddamn it. This doesn't make any sense.

#291
We should be hearing them by now. Why aren't we hearing them?

#292
- 'Cause I turned it off. - What do you mean, turned it off?

#293
- I don't want to listen to this! - You gotta listen to it.

#294
- I don't think I can. - You need to hear him sexing her.

#295
The video alone won't be evidence enough because of the angle.

#296
- What's wrong with the angle? - Let's put it this way.

#297
You won't be able to see anybody's face.

#298
- Oh, it's the lowdown... - You got it.

#299
MAC (over radio): If we're gonna do this,

#301
Dressed like a man?

#304
you're dressed like Dennis or Charlie.

#305
I should probably dress like Charlie 'cause he's kinda my height.

#306
No. No. I'm gonna be Charlie. You're gonna be Dennis.

#307
That's gonna be better. Trust me. We'll dress you up in his clothes.

#308
That way we can slip you in and out with ease

#309
'cause we gotta be very careful.

#310
This could be a very, very messy situation.

#311
So I want you to stay behind me. Get behind me and stay behind me.

#312
- No. I want to be in front of you. - No. You gotta be behind me.

#313
I gotta have you behind me.

#314
- What the hell is that all about? - I don't know.

#315
Now from here on out, I'm gonna refer to you only as Dennis.

#316
When we slip in, you're gonna start banging me, hard!

#318
Well, Mac's gay.

#320
Yeah, this is Blood Brother 2. Go ahead.

#321
My mission's close to being complete.

#322
But I need a favor.

#323
I need you to get Frank and Charlie away from their apartment.

#324
I need to get in there without being detected.

#325
Blood Brother 1, over and out!

#326
Now he says "Over and out." I can't believe he just said that.

#327
What do you think he wants over at your apartment?

#328
- I don't know what's going on. - Shit, I know what it is.

#329
Oh. This is sick, but hear me out.

#330
I think he wants to be you getting banged by me in your apartment.

#331
(groans) It's like role play!

#332
Oh, God. He's got some sick, twisted obsession with us.

#333
He's totally obsessed with us.

#334
That's why he's showing the videos, to prove to us he's a badass.

#335
He wants to impress us because he's in love with us.

#336
- My God. He's so in love with us. - Oh, my God.

#337
- Ew, dude! - This is twisted.

#338
This is dark.

#339
We need to get to the bottom of this.

#340
- Let's just find a hiding spot. - Okay, good.

#341
I'm thinking if I get in the bed and I get real low and flat,

#342
and maybe you're underneath me or on top of me, they won't see us.

#344
If I get all balled up and small, I get too high,

#345
and you'll see that there's someone in the bed.

#346
Now the further and wider I go...

#347
the flatter I become, like a starfish, you know?

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