Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S04E06 — Mac & Charlie Die (2)

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 4, Episode 6 — Mac & Charlie Die (2)

#1
MAC: The only way that my dad is not going to kill us

#2
s if he thinks we're already dead.

#3
DEE: What is that? - A glory hole.

#4
A hole to stick your dick in?

#5
- What is the password? - Orgy.

#6
I'm gonna gun this car as fast as it goes directly into that wall.

#7
(tires screeching)

#8
According to the Philadelphia Police Department,

#9
Mac and Charlie are dead.

#10
I can't believe they're dead.

#11
- You got any plans for the outside? - I got some big plans.

#12
Okay. I guess this is probably...

#13
This is probably gonna be it. So, we should get started.

#14
Uh, what to say about Mac.

#15
Um, he certainly was...

#16
...angry.

#17
- Burn the duster! - I'm not burning the duster!

#18
Okay? I'm not burning the duster.

#19
All right? That's crazy. That's like...

#20
That's insane. Why would I ever burn... I mean, come on.

#21
I will continue to wear it in his honor.

#22
And I will burn some other things.

#23
Maybe like these stupid, goddamn sleeveless t-shirts

#24
that he wants "retired" and hung up in the bar, I'll burn these.

#25
But I am not burning the duster, okay? So, forget it.

#26
It probably won't even burn anyway. It's not supposed to.

#27
It's flame-retardant. That's the point. It's like a shield of armor.

#28
Stop asking me to burn the duster. I'm not gonna burn it!

#29
So...

#30
End of story. You know? Let's just move on.

#31
Okay?

#32
So...

#33
Yeah. All right. Well, uh, thank you.

#34
- Come on. - No.

#35
- I'm not doing it. No! - Come on!

#36
Deandra, get on that stage!

#38
And, uh, we're gonna play a song that was a favorite of theirs.

#39
FRANK: Go ahead. - Yeah.

#40
#It's all the same

#41
#Only the names will change

#42
#Every day It seems we're wasting away

#43
#Another place

#44
#Where the faces are so cold

#45
#I drive all night

#46
#Just to get back home

#47
#I'm a cowboy

#48
#On a steel horse I ride

#49
#I'm wanted

#50
#Dead or alive# FRANK: I'm gonna miss you, Charlie.

#52
What are you talking about, man? Your mom's sitting right there, man.

#53
- She's mourning you. - Yeah.

#55
And now I'm gonna give them the one-gun salute.

#56
No, no, no, no. No, you're not. Okay. All right. I got it. (gunshot)

#57
DEE: Oh, my God! Let go!

#58
Wow. That was great and very touching.

#59
Thanks so much for coming, both of you. Time to go.

#60
- See you at the next one. (grunts) - Bonnie, Bonnie, Bonnie. Aw!

#61
It's gonna be okay. (sobbing)

#62
Why don't you go into the bathroom, go into the center stall...

#64
That's okay, Frankie. I don't need to go potty.

#65
No?

#66
Oh, damn it.

#68
- This changes everything. - I need a ride home.

#69
Ooh, ooh, ooh. No, no, no. Can't do that, sis.

#70
Gotta get back home A.S.A.P.

#71
I'm meeting a couple of potential new roommates. Hot ones.

#72
You know what I'm saying? (chuckles) All right. It's time to move on.

#73
(breathing heavily)

#74
Would you mind not breathing directly into my mouth?

#75
No thoughts on that?

#76
You're not gonna say anything? You're just gonna stare at me?

#77
That's what you're bringing to the table.

#78
That's great. I'm gonna... Could you excuse me?

#79
Excuse me. Just for a second. Thank you. Okay.

#80
Excuse me.

#81
Sir. Goddamn.

#82
Thanks. I'm just gonna... Excuse me.

#83
Excuse me. I'm just gonna... Okay.

#84
Of course, let me do it. (grunts)

#85
Thanks. Hi. Oh, my God.

#86
It's a freak show back there. (pants)

#87
Ma'am, I'm gonna need for you to step behind the line.

#88
Look, as you can probably tell, I'm not really a "bus person."

#89
It's just a couple of dicks destroyed my car

#90
and forced me to lower myself to this.

#91
If you could just cut me some slack because...

#92
I don't know if you've been back there, but animals.

#93
You're touching me. This isn't weird for you?

#94
Ma'am, either you get behind the line or your ride ends here.

#95
- I'm behind the line. - You're on the line.

#96
On the line, behind the line, who cares?

#97
- I'm pulling the bus over. - No, no, no, no! Goddamn it!

#99
I will go back behind the line with the rest of the filthy degenerates.

#100
But I am not happy about it, lady. Excuse me!

#101
Oh, my God. Really? Oh, my God.

#102
Oh, no. You stay put. I'll get it. On the floor of a bus.

#103
On the floor of a filthy bus. Excuse me for just a second!

#104
Damn it. Dude.

#105
I can't believe Dee finally caught on and canceled her credit card.

#106
This is really not good, dude. Now we don't have any beans.

#107
We don't have any beer, dude. We're shit out of luck.

#108
We'll get back to the bar, get beer there. At least we'll have that.

#109
- That's not a bad idea. - In the meantime, I need a popper.

#110
- I gotta get my head straight. - I got bad news on the popper.

#111
This is the last one, dude.

#112
- Shit. Really? - Yeah.

#113
All right, I think I should get it.

#114
I gotta...

#115
- Not going to happen. - Can I just have it?

#116
Will you let me do the poppers? Will you let me be the popper person?

#118
Oh, you son of a bitches! Hey, look out! (grunts) Look out!

#119
Hey! Hey! (banging window) Hey, you jerks! Goddamn it!

#120
Move out of the way!

#121
Hey, no! Stop the bus! Stop the bus!

#122
WOMAN: Shut up, stupid! - You shut up, bitch!

#123
Stop the bus! I need...

#124
Sir. Sir. I need to pull the cord to get off the bus. This is my stop.

#126
I'll get out of your way as soon... My God, what is wrong with you?

#127
Goddamn it, you bitches!

#128
(gasps)

#129
I hate the bus.

#130
Good-bye, Mac's shit. Good-bye, Mac's shit.

#131
Good-bye, Mac's shit. Good-bye, Mac...

#132
Come on, dude. When were you ever gonna use nunchucks?

#134
Uh, yeah. Hang on one second.

#135
All right.

#136
Yeah, it's perfect.

#137
- Pow. Hello. - Uh, hi. Um, can I help you?

#138
(German accent) You're looking for a roommate, right?

#139
Uh, yeah. Yeah, I was looking for two, actually. Female?

#140
I believe I was pretty clear in the ad here.

#144
- Oh, yeah? - It was pretty cool, for a week.

#145
And then I banged one of them.

#146
- Oh. Nice. - Not nice.

#147
Do you know what this is like, banging a chick that you live with?

#148
It's terrible, man. Bah-bah-bah.

#149
Every day you have to deal with this. Bah-bah-bah-bah-bah.

#150
(spits) - "Get out, lady." - Hmm, yeah. Yeah.

#151
Wow, yeah. I guess I never really thought about that before. You're...

#152
You're much smarter than my old roommate. (scoffs)

#153
Yeah, look. I'm gonna be up front with you.

#154
I run with a pretty wild crew.

#155
There's probably gonna be chicks over here, like, all the time.

#156
- Yeah... - I'm into some pretty crazy shit.

#158
I don't even know most of their names.

#159
- Mmm-mmm. (laughs) - Yes, it's like... Wow, yeah.

#160
I've been trying to get into the anonymous sex thing lately.

#161
- Oh, yeah? - Now are you, uh, European?

#162
Oh, I'm sorry. What gave it away? (both laugh)

#163
Nice. Yeah, well, you know,

#165
- Hmm? - Look...

#166
I like this by the way. This is a sweet duster.

#167
First, he doesn't burn the duster. Now he's looking for new roommates?

#168
Why did you want to burn that duster anyway?

#169
He always wears it with no shirt and a shit load of cologne. It's ruined.

#170
- Hello, bitches! MAC: Jesus Christ, Dee!

#171
You scared the shit out of me. I almost dropped all my beer.

#172
I knew you two weren't dead.

#173
What are you doing popping out of our tent?

#174
- Not cool, Dee! - Oh, not cool?

#175
Oh, I'll tell you what's not cool.

#177
and then convincing your friends and your family that you're dead.

#178
That's one of the cooler things you could ever do. I suggest you try it.

#180
I don't know why you're up here doing whatever. And I don't care.

#181
What I do care about is my 1997 Dodge Neon. So here's the deal.

#182
You two monkeys are going to get me a new 1997 Dodge Neon.

#183
Or I'm gonna tell Frank and Dennis

#184
that you faked your own deaths, and you're hiding up on the roof.

#185
Now you're just talking crazy. You can't buy a new 1997 Dodge Deon.

#186
You can buy an old one, you can't buy a new one.

#187
- Unless you had a time machine. MAC: Dee, you got bigger problems.

#188
Because my dad just got out of jail, and he's coming to kill you.

#189
- What? Me? Are you sure? MAC: Yeah. Yeah.

#190
- Kill you, kill us, kill everybody. - He's gonna kill everyone.

#191
Why would you not tell me this news earlier?

#192
Oh, my God. Get off our case, Dee. What's done is done.

#193
Mac and I are hobo drifters now. Okay? We don't dwell on the past.

#194
Hobo drifters live in the present. So if you really want to get back

#196
I don't want to get back at Frank and Dennis!

#197
I want to get back at you two!

#198
- What? Is that what your plan was? - Yes!

#200
- No. No, come on! - I tell you what. Here's the plan.

#202
It is the only thing you can do now 'cause you're in this too deep.

#203
Look, you want to die? Okay. Now...

#204
What's your bean situation? You got some beans on you? Or what's up?

#205
Good-bye, son.

#207
Hey, Jan. Oh, man, I gotta tell you, this is awesome.

#208
It's making me forget that Mac ever even died.

#209
- Oh, yeah. Just relax, roommate. - I'm gonna relax.

#210
I'm gonna relax all over the place in a second.

#211
What?

#212
Oh, shit. Jan? (knock on door)

#213
All righty. I gotta get this.

#214
(clears throat) - Hey, Dennis. - Really? What do you want?

#215
I was gonna go for a quick jog in Fairmont Park by myself.

#216
- Yeah. Great. Okay. Have fun. - It's kind of dangerous.

#217
- I got it, Dee. Go jogging! - I don't have anything reflective.

#218
What does it have to do with me? Just go jog!

#219
- In the dark by myself. - Goddamn it!

#220
Sorry about her. She's a bag... I hate her.

#221
Whoa, Dennis! Which one do you want first, huh?

#222
- Greta or Sasha? - Oh, shit! Why'd you do that, bro?

#223
- Come here, man. (scoffs) - What did I do?

#224
You said their names.

#225
Come on, man. That kills it for me. Look, bro. Can I be honest with you?

#226
This is great, but I was really hoping for more of like, uh,

#227
you know, an anything-goes, crazy, European, sex-party kind of a thing.

#228
- Something a little kinkier? - Kinky? Oh, yeah.

#230
Oh, oh-oh. (both laugh) Let me make some calls.

#232
- Of course I can. I'm European. - Oh, man. That's...

#233
(hissing) (both laughing)

#235
- He's got a lot of new friends. - Yes, I can see that.

#238
Shut up, dude. I'll bet you Frank is throwing a party, too.

#239
It's your turn to take the bedpan out tonight.

#240
(imitating Charlie) No, no, Frank! I did it last time!

#242
and I walked down the hallway with the bedpan.

#243
(imitating Charlie) All right, Frank! I'll do it!

#244
Only because I like you so much!

#245
(crying) I like you, too, Charlie.

#246
I like you, too, new Charlie.

#247
New Charlie.

#248
You know what, man? I'm kicking it up a notch.

#249
- We're haunting these bitches. - Haunting's cool, man.

#250
- Coming back from the grave, bitch. - Right. That's cool. That's cool.

#251
What's this? What are you doing? Like "Poltergeist" or something?

#252
Awesome, right? Craig T. Nelson!

#253
Craig T. Nelson is the best, dude. But "Poltergeist?" (blows raspberry)

#254
- Why? - It's not scary.

#255
It's all about psychological damage. Big deal. Look at me.

#256
Psychological damage up to here. Doesn't do anything for me.

#257
Physical damage, that's what's gonna irritate people.

#258
- All right. What do you suggest? - I mean, if anything,

#259
maybe we tie some knives to our fingers,

#260
and we get a little more serious about this whole murder thing.

#261
- Haunting. We're gonna haunt. - I'm sorry. I was thinking "dead."

#262
I'm so happy to see you! Oh, God! I had the weirdest night!

#263
It was crazy! When I left Dennis's place, I saw I don't have a car.

#264
I had to run home by myself through the park in the middle of the night.

#265
So, I'm on Spring Garden Street and this big car full of gangbangers...

#266
Okay, gangbangers, that is an awesome story, Dee!

#267
That's the end of it, right? The end of the story?

#268
- We are in the middle of something. - Gonna put some on our fingers.

#269
- And start murdering people. - We're gonna haunt people.

#270
You're gonna do, like, a "Poltergeist" thing.

#271
(people laughing) - It's Dennis. - That's Dennis.

#272
Office. Back office.

#274
DENNIS: Like I said, pop 'em off! Start poppin' 'em off!

#275
Oh, I love it, I love it. Hey, feel free to be free.

#276
No American judgments here. The only rule is don't tell me your names.

#277
I don't want to know your names, okay?

#278
(imitating Charlie) Hi, I'm Charlie. (chuckles) Oh, I love these girls!

#279
Frank! What are you doing, man?

#280
You're freaking the girls out with this mannequin. Get rid of it!

#281
Dennis, these girls are German.

#282
German! (imitating Charlie) We're gonna have demented sex, Frank?

#283
Yeah!

#284
That is the greatest party I've ever seen. These sons of bitches!

#285
Is he gonna take that stupid little mannequin everywhere?

#286
That is freaking me out!

#287
They're just hanging out with half-naked ladies

#288
and I just ran and sweated for absolutely nothing?

#289
- I don't sound like that. - Goddamn it! Get pass it.

#290
- Who cares about the mannequin? - I care!

#291
I look like a jerk in front of those girls.

#292
- I'm putting an end to this. - Yeah, dude. Screw your dad.

#293
Let him eat our asses. Let him eat my butt into smithereens.

#294
- I'm ending this. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

#295
Let's not be rash, right? I mean, come on.

#296
Look, if we're not gonna haunt them, we should have a little fun, right?

#297
- Let's scare the shit out of them. - Yeah.

#298
- We gotta make an entrance. - Let's scare the shit out of them.

#299
JAN: Dennis! - Jan, this is what I want, man.

#301
Look, I have this very kinky surprise for you, my friend.

#302
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

#303
I've arranged for you to use... the glory hole!

#304
- I forgot about the glory hole. - Ja. Ja, ja, ja.

#305
- I've sent someone in there now. - Yeah?

#306
Totally anonymous. Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, oh!

#307
Jan, there are no words, man.

#308
That's right. I'm the boss. But I'm a good boss.

#309
And I'm gonna allow you to watch. (door opens)

#310
(imitating Charlie) Okay, Frank, I...

#311
(door closes) Shh! Oh, somebody's coming.

#312
Any minute now, the German broad is gonna knock on that wall,

#313
which is my signal to go in my pants,

#314
take out my penis, and stick it through the hole.

#315
(laughs) Then she can go to town!

#316
Hey, honey. You want to take care of this monster for me or what?

#317
There's no way I can picture that is a girl.

#318
DENNIS: Frank? - Dennis!

#319
What the hell are you doing here, man?

#320
- Jan sent me! - Jan sent me, too!

#321
This is bad.

#322
Everybody out! Okay? There has been a major miscommunication!

#323
Get your European, sex, freaky asses out of the bar.

#324
Let's go. Come on. Come on. Move it. Move it. That's right.

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