Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S04E13 — The Nightman Cometh

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 4, Episode 13 — The Nightman Cometh

#1
(pool balls clack) (door opens)

#2
CHARLIE: #Come one, come all, to a beautiful show

#3
#It's gonna be awesome and some other stuff

#4
#Dee-dee-dee-dee Do-dee-dee-dee

#5
(laughs) #Some other musical stuff#

#6
- What ya doing, buddy? - I wrote a musical.

#7
- You wrote a musical? - Why? Why did you do that?

#8
Uh, just to write a musical. (scoffs)

#9
Does there have to be a reason? I don't think so.

#10
Yeah, there does. Nobody writes a musical for no reason.

#11
- It doesn't make sense. - All right. Well, this guy did.

#12
- So there you go. (chuckles) - Who's the mark?

#13
- What? - Oh.

#14
- Yeah. - No. There's no mark, guys.

#15
I wrote a musical. It's pretty damn good, okay?

#16
- I want to put it on. - Right, what's your angle?

#17
Yeah, whose face are we shoving this musical in?

#18
You don't shove a musical in someone's face.

#19
But who versus? Who are we doing it versus?

#20
Oh, my God. Are you guys gonna make this about this?

#21
I mean, look... I just wrote a musical to write a musical, okay?

#22
I don't have an ulterior motive here.

#23
I'm not trying to screw anyone or gain anything out of it.

#24
But you know what? If you guys don't want to be in it,

#25
I can find other people to play your parts.

#26
- Hang on there, pal. - Hang on. Hang on.

#27
We're just trying to wrap our heads around this.

#28
Yeah. I mean, there's no reason to give away our parts, all right?

#29
- All right. - No. We'll do it.

#30
- What's it called? - "The Nightman Cometh".

#31
(music)

#32
Okay. Gather around! Please, everybody!

#33
Uh, let's gather down front.

#34
#I feel the magic Do you feel the magic? #

#35
(chuckles) Here we go!

#36
- Now, you all know Artemis. - Yes.

#37
Artemis was kind enough to book for us this fine local theater.

#38
Okay. So, round of applause for Artemis.

#39
Uh, she also transcribed my work into a format you might consider

#40
a little bit more legible. - Or literate. She added words.

#41
(chuckling) All right.

#42
No more interruptions now, Dee. Thank you. Please.

#43
Charlie, I got a question for you. Who's playing this lead boy?

#44
- That's gonna be Mac. DENNIS: What?

#45
- Oh, yeah! Lead, of course. - Who's playing the Dayman?

#46
Well, the lead boy becomes the Dayman

#47
when he defeats the Nightman, so it's also Mac.

#48
Two parts? Oh, yeah!

#49
- Wait. That's bullshit. Bro... - The Nightman's a better role.

#50
He gets to play two roles? I mean, come on.

#51
- Well, it's the same person. - Who's playing the troll guy?

#52
- You're gonna play the troll guy. - I'm the troll guy?

#53
- Who else would be the troll? - Oh! I like that.

#54
CHARLIE: All right, good. - Can I do it naked?

#55
Absolutely not. Why would you want to be naked?

#56
Because in the '70s, everybody did theater naked.

#57
- Everybody got laid all the time. - All right.

#58
This is not the '70s. You're gonna do theater with your clothes on.

#59
Charlie, what the hell is this play about?

#60
I'm a princess who lives in a coffee shop?

#61
You work in a coffee shop! You don't live in a coffee shop.

#62
Well, why am I in love with a little boy?

#63
- You're in love with a young man. DEE: You wrote boy.

#64
All right. Well, man, boy, it's a metaphor.

#65
Well, the audience is gonna think I'm a child molester.

#66
I've changed my mind. I'm playing the Nightman.

#67
Why would you want to play the Nightman?

#68
The Nightman's badass, dude. He has the eyes of a cat

#69
and does karate across the stage. - Karate?

#70
- No, I made that up. - It's gonna be great.

#71
It frees up the lead boy role and the Dayman role. I can play both.

#72
I don't want you guys switching roles.

#73
Hey, Frank, you got a guy that does cat eyes?

#74
- I'm already on it. - Oh, my God. For the love of God.

#75
Uh, you know what? Let's just get started.

#76
CHARLIE: You guys ready? DENNIS: I'm ready.

#77
#Tiny boy, little boy Baby boy, I need you

#78
- Ah. Ooh. #Tiny boy, little boy

#79
#Want to make love to you, boy If you only knew...#

#80
Hold on a second. Uh, Charlie.

#81
- Yes. - Are you goddamn kidding me?

#82
- What? - "Tiny boy, little boy, baby boy"?

#83
- Yes? - You're wanting me to say

#84
I want to make love to a little baby, tiny boy.

#85
But I've explained this to you, Dee.

#86
I'm talking about the spirit of this man.

#87
- It's a metaphor, okay? - You keep using that word,

#88
but I'm not convinced you know what it means.

#89
And also, I'm not making out with Dennis later.

#90
It says we're supposed to do that and that's not gonna happen.

#91
Yeah, I'm not sure if I'm comfortable with that either, bro.

#92
This is why I didn't think you should be playing the boy, okay?

#93
What if it's just a sexually-charged embrace?

#94
Okay, Artemis, please don't talk to the talent.

#95
You know what? Um... All right.

#96
Screw this shit. If no one likes the song, I'm gonna cut the song.

#97
- Thank you. - No. Don't cut the song, man.

#98
- Dee, apologize to Charlie. - I'm not gonna do that.

#99
He wants me to bang this baby, and I don't feel comfortable.

#100
I think it's a bad idea to cut the song, Charlie.

#101
Thank you, Artemis. Thank you very much.

#102
All right. Could you give me a second with the talent here?

#103
Thank you. Uh, Dennis, could you take a five?

#104
Uh, well, I just don't want to cut the song, man.

#105
- I'd like for you to take a five. - Five... Five minutes?

#106
Can we have five now, please?

#107
Dee and I... Can I get... Can you have a five over there?

#108
Will you take a five, Dennis? Take a five, please!

#109
(sighing) Okay, Dee. The song is history.

#110
Thank you, Charlie. I appreciate that, 'cause I was uncomfortable.

#111
Yeah, I bet.

#112
What... What are we gonna sing instead? What should I sing?

#113
- Uh, what's on the back there? - It's the same, same song.

#114
- And what's on the very back page? - Nothing.

#115
Ah. Then that's what you'll be singing.

#116
- Charlie, this is my big song. - Yeah.

#117
Everybody else has a big song. I deserve to have one.

#118
- Do you? - Don't screw me like this, Charlie.

#119
Don't screw you? Oh, I'm sorry, Dee.

#120
Um, let me try and remember something.

#121
Uh, let's see. Was it... Did Dee write a musical

#122
and come to Charlie with it? No! Charlie wrote a musical

#123
and came to Dee with it. And the gang.

#124
And the gang likes to screw it up and make it about themselves,

#125
and take it away from Charlie, and ruin his hopes and dreams.

#126
So let me tell you something, Dee.

#127
Let me break down a scenario for you.

#128
I could cut the song, okay? Because I wrote it.

#129
I could have Artemis do the song, okay?

#130
Because you did not write it.

#131
Or I could strap on a wig and I could do the song myself.

#132
So you tell me, little Miss All That,

#133
what do you want to do? Song or no song?

#134
(mumbling) Well, song.

#135
(gasps) - Song? - Yeah. Song.

#136
So, you want to sing a song.

#137
I never... I never wasn't gonna sing the song.

#138
You are excited about singing a song, and you want to sing a song.

#139
- Yeah. I would like to do it. - Good!

#140
- Yeah, I'll... - So, back up on your podium you go.

#141
- Thank you. - Dennis, what are you doing?

#142
I'm eating because I'm very uncomfortable.

#143
Well, you guys are making...

#144
Can you just get on the stage? And can we finish this rehearsal?

#145
- It was really loud... - Don't start!

#146
Technically, that wasn't five minutes.

#147
Okay. You know what? You guys have me up to here.

#148
Okay, I'm here. I don't want to be here, okay?

#149
Now I have to play the piano, and I'm all up here.

#150
So let's... You know what? Let's try and get this down.

#151
Let's try and work this down a bit. Okay?

#152
And you know what's gonna do that? Learning the song.

#153
- The way it's written. - Let's do it.

#154
Back to the top. Five, six, seven, eight...

#155
#Gotta pay the troll toll to get into this boy's hole

#156
#You gotta pay the troll toll to get in

#157
#You want this baby boy's hole You gotta pay the troll toll...#

#158
Stop, stop, stop. All right. Um, not bad.

#159
Good rhythm. Love the enthusiasm.

#160
I feel like you're saying "boy's hole."

#161
And it's clearly "soul." And I know...

#162
Artemis, you did write "soul," right?

#163
- I did write "soul" definitely. - So it's "boy's soul."

#164
#You gotta pay the troll toll to get into this boy's hole

#165
No, see? Right there. It sounds like "hole."

#166
- Like, if you drag that... - Are you chewing gum?

#167
- Yeah. - Give me the gum, okay?

#168
(stammering) The gum, Frank. Please.

#169
- He said no gum. - I said no gum, everyone.

#170
ARTEMIS: It's unprofessional. - Okay. Thank you.

#171
- Charlie, can I bring something up? - Yes.

#172
We have to be very careful about how we do the rape scene.

#173
DENNIS: Yeah.

#174
Well, what in God's name are you talking... There's no rape scene.

#175
Well, sure. Uh, I pay the troll toll, and then I rape Dennis.

#176
No. You don't rape him. You become him.

#177
- You do not rape him. FRANK: He doesn't?

#178
No. Look. (sighs)

#179
Let me just walk you guys through this, okay?

#180
Here's what happens. Once you've paid the toll...

#181
I want you to come over to Dennis, over by his bed here.

#182
- I'll be lying back. - You want me to cross the stage?

#183
This is a great opportunity to showcase some skills

#184
and like, just put on a clinic as I'm doing it.

#185
CHARLIE: I would... I would rather you didn't.

#186
- Okay, well, let's not... - Then I'll hop up, like a cat.

#187
- Like so. Meow. - Oh, Jesus Christ.

#188
Just leave it at that. Okay. Once he gets near you,

#189
you have to sense him, okay? Suddenly you sense him.

#190
What if I were to position him in a way where I get behind him

#191
and then Frank could throw that blanket that he's got over us.

#192
And then that way, you can't see the penetration.

#193
That's a good idea. Because the blanket will make the raping...

#194
I'm sorry, the sexing from behind, feel more classy.

#195
That's good. Then what I can do is thrust this way.

#196
- And you can struggle. - Now I'm here. Okay?

#197
I am... I'm past where I thought I could go.

#198
I'm like, all the way up here with it.

#199
- Oh, my God. You scared me! - Hey, you.

#200
I'm sorry. I dropped, like, a hundred-dollar bill under there,

#201
can't find it anywhere, and then... What are you doing walking here?

#202
- Is this one of your places? - Charlie, I have mace.

#203
Oh, my God. Check this out.

#204
Uh, I have a free ticket for you to see a musical that I wrote.

#205
Oh, wow! A free ticket to a play that I don't want to see.

#206
You don't want to see it? It's a front row seat.

#207
I don't care. I don't want to see your play.

#208
I'm gonna cut you a bargain, okay? You come and see this play...

#209
I didn't want to do this, but, if you come and see this play...

#210
I'm gonna leave you alone for the rest of your life.

#211
- Really? - Yeah.

#212
So you won't follow me home anymore?

#213
And you're not gonna call me at 3:00 in the morning

#214
and tell me that you are in the emergency room in the hospital

#215
because you had a terrible car accident.

#216
Yeah, well, it's great that you came.

#217
Well, you listed me as your emergency contact.

#218
Well, yeah. Because I consider you that.

#219
- I have to go! - Look. Ah... All right.

#220
I swear to God, I'm gonna leave you alone.

#221
I'm gonna stop listing you as my emergency contact.

#222
I'm gonna stop calling you if you see the musical.

#223
That's how much this means to me.

#224
- Nice. - Leave me alone.

#225
- You're not gonna regret it. - I regret it already.

#226
All right. (Charlie whistling)

#227
Charlie, what is going on, dude? When are we gonna start?

#228
We're gonna start when I'm ready to start.

#229
We were supposed to start 20 minutes ago.

#230
She's here! She's here! She's here!

#231
- Who's here? - Circle in, everybody.

#232
Can we get down in the middle? Can we get down front? Okay.

#233
Couple last-minute things. I just want to brief everyone.

#234
Artemis, can you bring in Gladys? This is Gladys.

#235
She's gonna be playing the piano instead of me tonight.

#236
- What? Why? - She knows all the songs.

#237
All right, Gladys, can you head out there and get us started?

#238
Oh, I forgot to tell you, Calvin Coolidge

#239
was a good friend of mine.

#240
You've been telling me that like, all morning.

#241
- How many times? - Like, 100 times, now.

#242
Well, at a certain point, I need you to stop telling

#243
the Calvin Coolidge story and start playing the piano...

#244
- Shh. - Don't shush me. Okay, now.

#245
DENNIS: Oh, my God. Oh, my God, dude.

#246
Just get her out there and get the play started.

#247
You can't be throwing us curveballs like this.

#248
- I'm hanging on by a thread. - Don't argue with me now, okay?

#249
We just gotta do this. Let's stick together.

#250
Real quickly, okay? Just a couple of things.

#251
I can't really move my arms in this. So, I think I need to rip the pit.

#252
Do not rip that costume, okay? It's very expensive.

#253
Fine. But one other thing. I wrote a song. I'm gonna throw it in.

#254
I swear to God, you cannot add a song.

#255
- It's gonna happen. - I will smack your face off.

#256
- Okay. - Do not add a song!

#257
(piano playing) It's starting. Okay, go, go! You gotta go.

#258
DENNIS: I'm not ready, dude. I don't think I can do this.

#259
- Just get out there. - I don't think I can do this.

#260
You're gonna be fine. Go change...

#261
(piano playing) (muffled arguing)

#262
Do not rip that costume! (groans)

#263
(up-tempo piano playing)

#264
- What is this strange feeling? - I feel so strange inside.

#265
- It's so strange, but appealing. - I feel good. Ooh.

#266
#Tiny boy, little boy, baby boy, I need you

#267
#Tiny boy, little boy I want to touch you, boy

#268
#If you only knew What I'd do to you

#269
#If I was that boy that's inside of you

#270
#Tiny boy, little boy, baby boy

#271
#I need you Tiny boy, little boy

#272
#Want to make love to you, boy

#273
#If you only knew What I'd do to you

#274
#If I was that boy that's inside of you

#275
#Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy Inside, inside, inside of you

#276
BOTH: #My boy#

#277
BOTH (sigh): Oh, boy.

#278
(applause)

#279
#Just to be clear I did not write that song

#280
#And have never had sex with a child

#281
#Just to be clear Just to be clear

#282
What... What is happening?

#283
#Most men find me to be an eight or nine out of 10

#284
#And I am available to any interested men

#285
#Who'd like to get my number after the show#

#286
Keep singing, bitch.

#287
You're not gonna have a face by the time I'm done with you.

#288
- What the hell is she doing? - She's bombing like crazy.

#289
What an idiot. I was awesome though, right?

#290
You? No, dude. You totally froze up out there. You sucked.

#291
Um, I was hearing a lot of laughs out there, bro.

#292
Laughs are cheap. (applause)

#293
I'm going for gasps. Wait till you see it, dude.

#294
Gasps are where it's at. I gotta go pop my cat eyes in.

#295
(piano plays)

#296
(hisses) (laughing)

#297
We're getting a lot of laughs. That's good.

#298
This is not a comedy, okay? No one's supposed to be laughing.

#299
(snapping fingers) You came at the right time.

#300
- Is he sleeping? - Yes. He's sleeping over there.

#301
Just the way you like 'em. Did you bring the toll?

#302
Confound your lousy toll, troll. (hisses)

#303
(laughter)

#304
God damn it. Stop laughing at me.

#305
#You gotta pay the troll toll

#306
#If you want to get into that boy's hole

#307
#You gotta pay the troll toll to get in

#308
#You want the baby boy's hole You gotta pay the troll toll

#309
#You gotta pay the troll toll to get in

#310
#Troll toll

#311
#What'd you say Troll toll

#312
#Hey, hey, hey Troll toll#

#313
- Here's your toll, troll. - Your boy awaits.

#314
At last. The boy's soul is mine.

#315
(grunting) (laughter)

#316
(snoring) (gasps)

#317
- Give me that leg, boy. - No.

#318
DENNIS: Do you have a boner? MAC: Shut up. Don't ruin this.

#319
DENNIS: What? What the hell are... Jesus! Okay, stop.

#320
(thumping) - That's enough, dude. - Ow. Oh. God.

#321
I am going to smack everyone into tiny little pieces.

#322
Hello, boy!

#323
Come here and scratch my itchy-witchy toesy-woesies.

#324
- No. - What? Get over here.

#325
- No, Antonio. - I control you.

#326
You control nothing. I am not your slave anymore.

#327
And I am not a boy. I am a man. See?

#328
I was transformed by the strong,

#329
musky power of true love.

#330
I am now the Dayman.

#331
What the hell is that?

#332
You know what it is, bitch. Bang!

#333
(groaning) Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang!

#334
(piano plays ominously) (hisses)

#335
(audience laughing)

#336
- Where's the boy? - The boy is gone.

#337
- You can't tell me what to do. - I didn't tell you what to...

#338
- You're skipping a line, dude. - Yeah, uh...

#339
- You can't tell me what to... - You're still skipping the line.

#340
Just move past it, 'cause I can't remember what it is, and...

#341
God, it's crazy how much better I am at acting than you.

#342
- I'm going to kick your ass, bro. - I'll tell you what!

#343
I am the ruler of darkness! I am the master of light.

#344
- I am the Dayman. - Whatever, bro.

#345
- Here's your whatever, bitch. - What? No, don't improv.

#346
(both grunting)

#347
(groans) (screams)

#348
Whoo! (laughs)

#349
(shouting) Body bag! (groans)

#350
(growls) - No. - Yes.

#351
No. No!

#352
(both yelling) (gasps)

#353
(exhales) (piano imitating heartbeat)

#354
(heartbeat slows) (gasps)

#355
(groans) (gasps)

#356
You have defeated the evil that was here.

#357
Naturally, for I am the Dayman.

#358
(gasps) You once were a boy, and now you are a man,

#359
and I am in love with you. - That's right.

#360
And now I am in love with you.

#361
#Dayman (both vocalizing)

#362
BOTH: #Fighter of the Nightman

#363
(vocalizing) #Champion of the sun

#364
(vocalizing)

#365
#You're a master of karate And friendship for everyone

#366
#Dayman Dayman, Dayman, Dayman

#367
#Fighter of the Nightman

#368
#Champion of the sun The sun, the sun, the sun

#369
#You're a master of karate And friendship for everyone

#370
#Dayman (vocalizing)

#371
#Fighter of the Nightman (vocalizing)

#372
#Champion of the sun (vocalizing)

#373
#You're a master of karate And friendship for everyone

#374
#Dayman#

#375
- Stage freeze! - Don't say that. Just do it.

#376
(off-key vocalizing)

#377
#I was that little boy That little baby boy was me

#378
#I once was a boy but now I am a man

#379
#I fought the Nightman Lived as Dayman

#380
#Now I'm here To ask for your hand

#381
#So if you want to marry, man Will you marry me

#382
#Will you come on stage and join me

#383
#In this thing called matrimony

#384
#Please say yes And do not bone me

#385
#Please just marry Me#

#386
- Is that it? - Uh...

#387
- Is the play over? - Yeah.

#388
Okay. Great. Well, then I'm out of here.

#389
(chuckles nervously) Hang on. Hang on a second.

#390
- Hang on. Is it a yes, or... - "Is it a yes?"

#391
Really, Charlie? Will I marry you?

#392
No. No, I will not. I will never marry you.

#393
And I also held up my end of the bargain,

#394
so I never have to see you again. - Okay. So wait. Just...

#395
I'm sorry. I want to get this clear. Uh, you are saying no?

#396
Oh, I am definitely, definitely saying no.

#397
Okay. Well, I didn't ever sign anything.

#398
So, um, I'll see you tomorrow?

#399
That's it. You can go home. It's over.

#400
DENNIS: Well, we're gonna do a bow. - Yeah?

#401
- Uh, if you want. - It was a great musical, Charlie.

#402
You did a great job. (sighs) She ain't worth it.

#403
Told you nobody just writes a musical for no reason.

#404
I am here. I am... I am past here.

#405
And by the way, I thought the rape scene

#406
went really well. - I... I am here.

#407
And that was awful for me.

#408
And if you bring this up back at the apartment tonight,

#409
I am going to smack you. I swear to God.

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