Home » Fight Club (1999) » S01E01 — Fight Club (1999)

Fight Club (1999)

Season 1, Episode 1 — Fight Club (1999)

#1001
What, and I'm not?

#1002
Stickin' feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken.

#1003
What are we doin' tonight?

#1004
- Tonight? - Yeah.

#1005
- We make soap. - Really?

#1006
To make soap, first we render fat.

#1007
(walkie-talkie squawks)

#1008
MAN (on walkie-talkie, indistinct)

#1009
The salt balance has to be just right,

#1010
so the best fat for making soap comes from humans.

#1011
- Wait. What is this place? - A liposuction clinic.

#1012
A-ha! Pay dirt.

#1013
The richest, creamiest fat in the world.

#1014
Fat of the land.

#1015
No--

#1016
Don't pull it. No, don't pull it.

#1017
(grunting, muttering)

#1018
- Oh, God! Oh! - Get another one. (grunts)

#1019
As the fat renders, the tallows float to the surface.

#1020
Like in Boy Scouts.

#1021
It's hard to imagine you as a Boy Scout.

#1022
Keep stirrin'.

#1023
Once the tallow hardens, we skim off a layer of glycerin.

#1024
If you were to add nitric acid, you got nitroglycerin.

#1025
If you were then to add sodium nitrate and a dash of sawdust, you got dynamite.

#1026
Yeah, with enough soap,

#1027
one could blow up just about anything.

#1028
NARRATOR: Tyler was full of useful information.

#1029
Now, ancient peoples found that clothes got cleaner

#1030
when they washed them at a certain point in the river.

#1031
- You know why? - No.

#1032
(mutters)

#1033
'Cause human sacrifices were once made on the hills above this river.

#1034
Bodies burned. Water seeped through the wood and ashes to create lye.

#1035
This is lye, the crucial ingredient.

#1036
Once it mixed with the melted fat of the bodies,

#1037
a thick, white, soapy discharge crept into the river.

#1038
May I see your hand, please?

#1039
- (kisses) - What is this?

#1040
- This is a chemical burn. - Uh-- (screams)

#1041
It'll hurt more than you've ever been burned,

#1042
- and you will have a scar. - What are you doing?!

#1043
NARRATOR: If guided meditation worked for cancer, it could work for this.

#1044
- Stay with the pain. Don't shove this out. - No, no! Oh, God!

#1045
Look at your hand. The first soap was made from the ashes of heroes,

#1046
like the first monkey shot into space.

#1047
Without pain, without sacrifice, we would have nothin'.

#1048
NARRATOR: I tried not to think of the words "sear" or "flesh."

#1049
Stop it! This is your pain. This is your burning hand. It's right here.

#1050
I'm going to my cave. I'm going to my cave. I'm gonna find my power animal.

#1051
No! Don't deal with it the way those dead people do! Come on!

#1052
- I get the point! Okay! Please! - No. What you're feeling is premature enlightenment.

#1053
(coughs)

#1054
This is the greatest moment of your life, man, and you're off somewhere missing it.

#1055
I am not-- (shouting, indistinct)

#1056
Shut up. Our fathers were our models for God.

#1057
If our fathers bailed, what does that tell you about God?

#1058
- No, no-- - Listen to me.

#1059
You have to consider the possibility

#1060
that God does not like you, and he never wanted you.

#1061
In all probability, he hates you.

#1062
- This is not the worst thing that can happen. - It isn't?

#1063
- We don't need him. - We don't! I agree!

#1064
Fuck damnation, man. Fuck redemption.

#1065
- We are God's unwanted children? So be it! - (shouting, indistinct)

#1066
Listen! You can run water over your hand to make it worse, or-- Look at me!

#1067
Or you can use vinegar to neutralize the burn.

#1068
- Please let me have it! Please! - First you have to give up.

#1069
First you have to know-- not fear--

#1070
know that someday you're gonna die.

#1071
You don't know how this feels! (sobbing)

#1072
It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything.

#1073
Okay. (whimpering)

#1074
Congratulations.

#1075
You're one step closer to hitting bottom.

#1076
NARRATOR: Tyler sold his soap to department stores at $20 a bar.

#1077
- God knows what they charged. - This is the best soap.

#1078
- Why, thank you, Suzie. - It was beautiful.

#1079
We were selling rich women their own fat asses back to them.

#1080
He was wearing his yellow tie.

#1081
I didn't even wear a tie to work anymore.

#1082
"The first rule of Fight Club is you don't talk about Fight Club"?

#1083
I'm half asleep again. I must've left the original in the copy machine.

#1084
"The second rule of Fight Club"-- Is this yours?

#1085
- Huh? - Pretend you're me.

#1086
Make a managerial decision.

#1087
You find this. What would you do?

#1088
Well, I gotta tell ya,

#1089
I'd be very, very careful who you talk to about that.

#1090
Because the person who wrote that is dangerous.

#1091
And this buttoned-down, oxford cloth psycho might just snap

#1092
and then stalk from office to office

#1093
with an Armalite AR-10 carbine gas-powered semiautomatic weapon,

#1094
pumping round after round into colleagues and coworkers.

#1095
This might be someone you've known for years,

#1096
someone very, very close to you.

#1097
NARRATOR: Tyler's words coming out of my mouth.

#1098
And I used to be such a nice guy.

#1099
Or maybe you just shouldn't bring me

#1100
every little piece of trash you happen to pick up.

#1101
(phone rings)

#1102
Compliance and Liability.

#1103
My tit's gonna rot off.

#1104
Will you excuse me? I need to take this.

#1105
- What are you talking about? - I need you to check and see if there's a lump in my breast.

#1106
- Go to a hospital. - I can't afford to throw money away on a doctor.

#1107
- I don't know about this, Marla. - Please?

#1108
NARRATOR: She didn't call Tyler. I'm neutral in her book.

#1109
That's nice. Taking food to Mrs. Hannaburr, Mrs. Raines?

#1110
- Where are they, exactly? - Tragically, they're dead.

#1111
I'm alive, and I'm in poverty. You want any?

#1112
- No. No, thank you. - I got one for you.

#1113
Thanks for the thought.

#1114
What happened to your hand?

#1115
Uh, nothin'.

#1116
- Right there? - Mmm.

#1117
Feel anything?

#1118
- No. - Well, make sure.

#1119
- Okay, I'm-I'm pretty sure. - You feel nothing?

#1120
No. Nothing.

#1121
Well, that's a relief. Thank you.

#1122
- Uh, I mean, no problem. - I wish I could return the favor.

#1123
- There's not a lot of breast cancer in the men in my family. - Could check your prostate.

#1124
Uh, I think I'm okay.

#1125
Well, thanks anyway.

#1126
- Are we done? - Yeah, we're done.

#1127
See you... around.

#1128
MEN (chattering)

#1129
Cornelius?

#1130
Cornelius!

#1131
It's me-- Bob!

#1132
Hey, Bob.

#1133
- (grunts) - We all thought you were dead.

#1134
No, no. Still here. (chuckles)

#1135
How are you, Bob?

#1136
Better than I've ever been in my whole life.

#1137
Really? You still remaining men together?

#1138
No, no. I got somethin' so much better now.

#1139
Really? What is it?

#1140
Well, first rule is

#1141
I'm not supposed to talk about it.

#1142
And the second rule is, I'm not supposed to talk about it.

#1143
- And the third rule is-- - Bob. Bob. I'm a member.

#1144
Look at my face, Bob.

#1145
(laughing)

#1146
That's fuckin'-- That's fuckin' great.

#1147
- I've-- I've never seen you there. - I go Tuesdays and Thursdays.

#1148
- I go Saturday. - Congratulations.

#1149
Yeah. Hey, to both of us, right?

#1150
- Have you heard about the guy that invented this thing? - Well, uh, yeah, actually. I--

#1151
- I hear all kinds of things. - Yeah?

#1152
Supposedly, he was born in a mental institution.

#1153
And he sleeps only one hour a night.

#1154
- He's a great man. - Oh--

#1155
Do you know about Tyler Durden?

#1156
MEN (shouting, cheering)

#1157
(shouts)

#1158
Take him down! Take him down!

#1159
- Take him down! - (grunting)

#1160
(cheering)

#1161
Yeah!

#1162
I didn't hurt you, did I?

#1163
Actually, you did.

#1164
Thank you for this. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

#1165
- NARRATOR: Fight Club. - (laughing)

#1166
- Bob-- Bob-- No, Bob. - This was mine and Tyler's gift--

#1167
our gift to the world.

#1168
- Look around. Look around. I see a lot of new faces. - (laughter)

#1169
- Shut up! - (laugher stops)

#1170
Which means a lot of you have been breaking the first two rules of Fight Club.

#1171
Man, I see in Fight Club the strongest and smartest men who've ever lived.

#1172
I see all this potential. And I see it squandered.

#1173
Goddamn it, an entire generation pumping gas,

#1174
waiting tables.

#1175
Slaves with white collars.

#1176
Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes,

#1177
working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need.

#1178
We're the middle children of history, man.

#1179
No purpose or place.

#1180
We have no great war, no great depression.

#1181
Our great war's a spiritual war.

#1182
Our great depression is our lives.

#1183
We've all been raised on television to believe that one day

#1184
we'd all be millionaires and movie gods and rock stars.

#1185
But we won't.

#1186
And we're slowly learning that fact.

#1187
And we're very, very pissed off.

#1188
- MEN: Yeah! - (murmuring)

#1189
The first rule of Fight Club is

#1190
- you do not talk about-- - (loud banging)

#1191
- Who are you? - Who am I?

#1192
Yeah.

#1193
There's a sign in the front that says "Lou's Tavern."

#1194
I'm fuckin' Lou. Who the fuck are you?

#1195
Tyler Durden.

#1196
Who told you motherfuckers that you could use my place?

#1197
- We have a deal worked out with Irvin. - Irvin?

#1198
Irvin's at home with a broken collarbone.

#1199
He don't own this place. I do.

#1200
- How much money is he gettin' for this? - There is no money.

#1201
- Really? - Free to all.

#1202
- Ain't that somethin'? - It is, actually.

#1203
Look, stupid fuck,

#1204
- I want everybody outta here right now. - Hey.

#1205
You should join our club.

#1206
- Did you hear what I just said? - You and your friend.

#1207
- (grunting) - You hear me now?

#1208
No, I didn't quite catch that, Lou.

#1209
(spits, groans)

#1210
- Still not gettin' it. - Hey--

#1211
(groans) Okay, okay, okay. I got it.

#1212
I got it. I got it. Shit, I lost it.

#1213
Back! All of you!

#1214
- (gun cocks) - Everybody back.

#1215
(laughing)

#1216
(laughing continues)

#1217
Aw, Lou.

#1218
Come on, man. We really like this place.

#1219
(groans, laughs hysterically)

#1220
- Oh! Oh! Oh. That's right, Lou, get it out. - Shut the fuck up!

#1221
Oh, yeah!

#1222
Yeah! (laughing hysterically)

#1223
(laughing continues)

#1224
- Think that's fuckin' funny? - Oh, Lou!

#1225
Lou! (laughing hysterically)

#1226
Fuckin' guys are loony. I'm tellin' ya.

#1227
- Unbelievable. - (screams)

#1228
- (coughs) You don't know where I've been, Lou. - Oh, my God!

#1229
You don't know where I've been! (laughing)

#1230
- Lou! Please let us keep it, Lou! Please, Lou! - Okay!

#1231
Fuckin' use the basement! Christ!

#1232
I want your word, Lou! I want your word!

#1233
On my mother's honor.

#1234
(groaning)

#1235
(screaming, gagging)

#1236
- Thanks, Lou. - (gagging continues)

#1237
You too, big guy.

#1238
We'll see you next week.

#1239
This week, each one of you has a homework assignment.

#1240
You're gonna go out, and you're gonna start a fight with a total stranger.

#1241
MEN (murmuring)

#1242
You're gonna start a fight.

#1243
And you're gonna lose.

#1244
Excellent choice, sir.

#1245
Hey! Watch out, jackass! Come on!

#1246
NARRATOR: Now, this is not as easy as it sounds.

#1247
I'm thinkin' you really-- What? Son of a bitch--

#1248
- NARRATOR: Most people-- normal people... - (shouting)

#1249
...do just about anything to avoid a fight.

#1250
Excuse me. You sprayed me with your hose. I don't--

#1251
- Like that? - That's not necessary.

#1252
Dave! Go call 911!

#1253
- (screams) - Put the hose down. Stop it!

#1254
Stop it!

#1255
Sorry.

#1256
(shouting, indistinct)

#1257
Leave me alone! You crazy?

#1258
(grunts)

#1259
(grunting)

#1260
Bastard!

#1261
We need to talk.

#1262
- Okay. - (door closes)

#1263
Where to begin? With your constant absenteeism?

#1264
With your unpresentable appearance?

#1265
You're up for review.

#1266
I am Jack's complete lack of surprise.

#1267
- What? - Let's pretend.

#1268
You're the department of transportation. Okay?

#1269
Someone informs you that this company

#1270
installs front seat mounting brackets

#1271
that never pass collision tests,

#1272
brake linings that fail after a thousand miles

#1273
and fuel injectors that explode and burn people alive.

#1274
What then?

#1275
- Are you threatening me? - No.

#1276
- Get the fuck outta here. You're fired. - I have a better solution.

#1277
You keep me on the payroll as an outside consultant.

#1278
And in exchange for my salary, my job will be never to tell people

#1279
these things that I know.

#1280
I don't even have to come into the office. I can do this job from home.

#1281
Who-- Who the fuck do you think you are,

#1282
you crazy little shit?

#1283
- Security? - NARRATOR: I am Jack's smirking revenge.

#1284
(groans)

#1285
What the hell are you doing?

#1286
(groans, coughing)

#1287
(groans) That hurt.

#1288
Why would you do that?

#1289
Oh, my God. No! Please stop!

#1290
(choking)

#1291
What are you doing?

#1292
Oh, God, no! Please! No!

#1293
NARRATOR: For some reason, I thought of my first fight... with Tyler.

#1294
No!

#1295
(groaning)

#1296
Under and behind and inside

#1297
everything this man took for granted,

#1298
something horrible had been growing.

#1299
Now, look. Just give me the paychecks like I asked,

#1300
and you won't ever see me again.

#1301
And right then, at our most excellent moment together--

#1302
Oh, thank God. Please don't hit me again! Please!

#1303
- Telephone, computer, fax machine-- - (whistling)

#1304
Fifty-two weekly paychecks and 48 airline flight coupons.

#1305
We now had corporate sponsorship.

#1306
This is how Tyler and I were able to have Fight Club every night of the week.

#1307
(shouting, cheering)

#1308
Now nobody was the center of Fight Club except the two men fighting.

#1309
The leader walked through the crowd, out in the darkness.

#1310
Tyler was now involved in a class-action lawsuit

#1311
with the Pressman Hotel over the urine content of their soup.

#1312
(screaming)

#1313
I am Jack's wasted life.

#1314
Yeah! Yeah! (laughs) Yeah!

#1315
MAN: Thank you, sir.

#1316
NARRATOR: Tyler dreamed up new homework assignments.

#1317
He handed them out in sealed envelopes.

#1318
(whirring)

#1319
(whirring)

#1320
- Did you know there's a Fight Club up in Delaware City? - Yeah, I heard.

#1321
- (alarm wailing) - There's one in Penn's Grove too.

#1322
- Leave it. - Bob even found one up in Newcastle.

#1323
Yeah. Did you start that one?

#1324
- No. I thought you did. - Nah.

#1325
(scoffs)

#1326
(alarm wailing)

#1327
(cooing)

#1328
- Stop for a second. - Hey, what are we doing?

#1329
- Turn around. - What are we doing?

#1330
- Homework assignment. - What kind of homework assignment?

#1331
Human sacrifice.

#1332
Hey, is that a gun? Please-- Please tell me that's not a gun.

#1333
- It's a gun. - What are you doing?

#1334
- Meet me in the back. - No, no-- Hey, don't fuck around. This isn't--

#1335
Meet me in the back.

#1336
- NARRATOR: On a long enough time line... - Fuck!

#1337
...the survival rate for everyone drops to zero.

#1338
- (whimpering) - Stop. What are you doing? Come on.

#1339
- Hands behind your back. - God.

#1340
Give me your wallet.

#1341
Raymond K. Hessel, 1320 Southeast Banning, apartment A.

#1342
- Small, cramped basement apartment, Raymond? - How did you know?

#1343
'Cause they give shitty basement apartments letters instead of numbers.

#1344
Raymond, you're going to die.

#1345
- (sobbing) Oh, my God, no. - Is that your mom and dad?

#1346
Mom and Dad are gonna have to call up kindly Dr. So-and-So

#1347
to pick up your dental records. Wanna know why?

#1348
- 'Cause there's gonna be nothing left of your face. - (whimpering)

#1349
- Aw, come on. Come on! - An expired community college student I.D.

#1350
- What'd you study, Raymond? - S-S-Stuff.

#1351
Stuff? Were the midterms hard?

#1352
- I asked you what you studied. - Biology, mostly.

#1353
- Why? - I-I don't know.

#1354
What did you want to be, Raymond K. Hessel?

#1355
The question, Raymond,

#1356
was what did you want to be?

#1357
Answer him, Raymond! Jesus!

#1358
- Veterinarian! Veterinarian! - Animals.

#1359
- Yeah, animal s-s-- - Stuff. Yeah, I got that.

#1360
- That means you have to get more schooling. - Too much school.

#1361
- Would you rather be dead? - No.

#1362
Would you rather die, here, on your knees, in the back of a convenience store?

#1363
(whimpering) No. No, please. No.

#1364
(hammer releases)

#1365
I'm keeping your license.

#1366
Gonna check in on you. I know where you live.

#1367
If you're not on your way to becoming a veterinarian in six weeks, you will be dead.

#1368
(whimpering)

#1369
Now run on home.

#1370
Run, Forrest, run!

#1371
I feel ill.

#1372
Imagine how he feels.

#1373
Come on. This isn't funny!

#1374
That wasn't funny. What the fuck was the point of that?

#1375
Tomorrow will be the most beautiful day of Raymond K. Hessel's life.

#1376
His breakfast will taste better than any meal you and I have ever tasted.

#1377
NARRATOR: You had to give it to him.

#1378
- Come on. - He had a plan.

#1379
And it started to make sense in a Tyler sort of way.

#1380
No fear. No distractions.

#1381
The ability to let that which does not matter truly slide.

#1382
You are not your job.

#1383
You're not how much money you have in the bank.

#1384
You're not the car you drive.

#1385
You're not the contents of your wallet.

#1386
You're not your fuckin' khakis.

#1387
You're the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world.

#1388
(footsteps on stairs)

#1389
I'll be out of your way in a sec.

#1390
You don't have to go.

#1391
Whatever.

#1392
No, I mean, uh-- It's okay.

#1393
(clattering)

#1394
(tools whirring)

#1395
(hammering)

#1396
You still going to groups?

#1397
Yeah.

#1398
- Chloe's dead. - Wow. Chloe.

#1399
When did that happen?

#1400
Do you care?

#1401
I don't know. I haven't thought about it in a while.

#1402
Yeah, well,

#1403
it was the smart move on her part.

#1404
Hey, listen, um--

#1405
What-What are you getting out of all this?

#1406
What?

#1407
I mean, all this. Why do you keep--

#1408
Is this making you happy?

#1409
Yeah, well, sometimes.

#1410
Wh-- I don't know. I don't understand.

#1411
I mean, why does a weaker person need to latch on to a strong person?

#1412
What-- What is that?

#1413
What do you get out of it?

#1414
No, that's-that's not the same thing at all.

#1415
I mean, we're-- It's totally different with us.

#1416
- We're-We're-- - "Us"?

#1417
- (saw whirring) - What do you mean by "us"?

#1418
- I'm sorry. Do you hear this? - Hear what?

#1419
You're not hearing all that noise? Just hold on a second.

#1420
No, wait. What were you saying? Don't change the subject. I want to talk about this.

#1421
- You're not talking about me, are you? - No. What?

#1422
That day you came over to my place to play doctor-- What was going on there?

#1423
What are you talking about?

#1424
- Nothing. Nothing. - I don't think so.

#1425
- Come on. What do you want? - Look at me.

#1426
- No. What? - Look at me.

#1427
- What is that? - It's nothing. Don't worry about it.

#1428
- Oh, my God. Who did this? - A person.

#1429
- Guy or girl? - What do you care if it's a guy or a girl?

#1430
- What do you care if I ask? - It's none of your business. Leave me alone.

#1431
- You're afraid to say it. - I am not afraid to say-- Let me go.

#1432
- No! Talk to me. - Let go of me. Leave me alone.

#1433
- This conversation... - This conversation...

#1434
- ...is over. - ...is over.

#1435
I just can't win with you, can I?

#1436
Hey, you know, this is getting a little old.

#1437
(doorbell rings)

#1438
Wh-What-- What is all this?

#1439
What do you think?

#1440
Hey, why do we need bunk beds?

#1441
Hey!

#1442
Too young.

#1443
Sorry.

#1444
What's all that? What--

#1445
Right. If the applicant is young, tell him he's too young.

#1446
- Old, too old. Fat, too fat. - Applicant?

#1447
If the applicant then waits for three days

#1448
without food, shelter or encouragement,

#1449
he may then enter and begin his training.

#1450
Training for what?

#1451
You think this is a game?

#1452
You're too young to train here. End of story.

#1453
Now quit wasting our time. Get the fuck out of here.

#1454
Bad news, friend.

#1455
It's not gonna happen.

#1456
I'm sorry if there was a misunderstanding.

#1457
It's not the end of the world. Just go away.

#1458
Go. 'Cause you are trespassing,

#1459
and I will have to call the police.

#1460
Don't you look at me. Do you think you're ever getting in this house?

#1461
You're never getting in this fucking house.

#1462
Never. Now get the fuck off my porch. Get off my porch!

#1463
NARRATOR: Sooner or later, we all became what Tyler wanted us to be.

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