Home » Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975) » S01E01 — Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)

Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)

Season 1, Episode 1 — Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)

#1
Whoa, there!

#2
Halt!

#3
Who goes there?

#4
It is I, Arthur, Son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot.

#5
King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons

#6
Sovereign of all England!

#7
Pull the other one.

#8
I am, and this is my trusty servant, Patsy.

#9
We have ridden the length of the land in search of knights

#10
who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.

#11
-What? Ridden on a horse? -Yes.

#12
-You’re using coconuts! -What?

#13
You’ve got two empty halves of coconut, and you’re banging them together.

#14
So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land.

#15
-Through the Kingdom of Mercia. -Where did you get the coconuts?

#16
We found them.

#17
Found them? In Mercia? The coconut is tropical.

#18
-What do you mean? -Well, this is a temperate zone.

#19
The swallow may fly south with the sun, or the house martin or the plover

#20
may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land.

#21
-Are you suggesting coconuts migrate? -Not at all. They could be carried.

#22
-What? A swallow carrying a coconut? -It could grip it by the husk.

#23
It’s not a question of where he grips it! It’s a simple question of weight ratio. I

#24
A five-ounce bird could not carry a one-pound coconut.

#25
It doesn’t matter. Go tell your master that Arthur from Camelot is here.

#26
In order to maintain air-speed velocity,

#27
a swallow needs to beat its wings 43 times every second, right?

#28
Please! -Am I right?

#29
-I'm not interested. -It could be carried by an African swallow.

#30
Oh, yes! An African swallow, maybe. Not a European swallow. That’s my point.

#31
I agree with that.

#32
Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?

#33
But then, of course, African swallows are non-migratory.

#34
Oh, yes. They couIdnt bring a coconut, anyway.

#35
Wait a minute! Supposing two swallows carried it together?

#36
-No, they’d have to have it on a line. -Simple. They’d use a strand of creeper.

#37
-Held under the dorsal guiding feathers? Why not?

#38
Bring out your dead!

#39
Ninepence.

#40
-Bring out your dead. -Here's one.

#41
Ninepence.

#42
-I’m not dead! -What?

#43
-Nothing. Here’s your ninepence. -I’m not dead!

#44
-He says he’s not dead. -Yes, he is.

#45
not! -He isn’t?

#46
-He will be soon. He’s very ill. -I’m getting better!

#47
You’ll be stone dead in a moment

#48
I can’t take him like that. It’s against regulations.

#49
-I don’t want to go on the cart. -Don’t be such a baby.

#50
-I can’t take him. -l feel fine.

#51
-Well, do us a favor. I can’t.

#52
Can you hang around a few minutes? He won’t be long.

#53
Got to go to the Robinsons. They’ve lost nine today.

#54
-When’s your next round? -Thursday.

#55
-l think I’ll go for a walk. -You’re not fooling anyone, you know.

#56
-Isn’t there something you can do? -I feel happy.

#57
-Thanks very much. -Not at all. See you on Thursday.

#58
Right.

#59
-Who’s that, then? -I don’t know. Must be a king.

#60
-Why? -He hasn’t got shit all over him.

#61
-Old woman! -Man!

#62
Man. Sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?

#63
-I’m 37. -What?

#64
-I’m 37. I’m not old. -I can’t just call you “man.”

#65
-You could say “Dennis.” -I didn’t know you were called Dennis.

#66
You didn’t bother to find out.

#67
I did say sorry about the “old woman,’ but from behind...

#68
What I object to is that you treat me like an inferior.

#69
-Well, I am king. -King? Very nice

#70
How did you get that? By exploiting the workers!

#71
By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates

#72
the economic and social differences in our societyl

#73
-If there’s ever going to be any progress. -There’s some lovely filth down here.

#74
How do you do?

#75
How do you do, good lady? I am Arthur, King of the Britons.

#76
-Whose castle is that? -King of the who?

#77
-The Britons. -Who are the Britons?

#78
We all are. We’re all Britons. And l am your king.

#79
Didn’t know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective.

#80
You’re fooling yourself. We’re living in a dictatorship.

#81
A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working class...

#82
There you go. Bringing class into it again

#83
-That’s what it’s all about. If only people... -Please, good people. I am in haste.

#84
Who lives in that castle?

#85
-No one lives there -Who is your lord?

#86
-We don’t have a lord. -What?

#87
I told you. We’re an anarcho-syndicalist commune.

#88
We take turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.

#89
Yes. -But all the decisions of that officer

#90
-are ratified at a biweekly meeting. -Yes, I see.

#91
-By a majority in the case of internal affairs. -Be quietl

#92
-By a two-thirds majority in the case of. -Be quietr I order you to be quiet.

#93
“Order.” Who does he think he is’

#94
-I am your king! -I didn’t vote for you.

#95
-You don’t vote for kings. -How did you become king then?

#96
The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite,

#97
held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water,

#98
signifying, by divine providence, that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur.

#99
That is why I’m your king!

#100
Listen. Strange women lying in ponds, distributing swords, is no basis

#101
for a system of government. Supreme executive power

#102
derives from a mandate from the masses. Not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.

#103
Be quiet!

#104
You can’t expect to wield supreme executive power

#105
‘cause some watery tart threw a sword at you.

#106
-Shut up! -If I went around saying I was an emperor

#107
because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they’d put me away!

#108
-Will you shut up? -See the violence inherent in the system.

#109
-Shut up! -See the violence inherent in the system!

#110
-Help, I’m being repressed! -Bloody peasant!

#111
What a giveaway. Did you hear that?

#112
That’s what Im on about. Did you see him repressing me?

#113
You fight with the strength of many men, Sir Knight.

#114
I am Arthur, King of the Britons.

#115
I seek the finest and bravest knights in the land to join me in Camelot.

#116
You have proved yourself worthy. Will you join me?

#117
You make me sad. So be it. Come, Patsy.

#118
None shall pass.

#119
-What? -None shall pass.

#120
I have no quarrel with you, good Sir Knight, but I must cross this bridge.

#121
Then you shall die.

#122
I command you, as King of the Britons, to stand aside.

#123
I move for no man.

#124
So be it!

#125
Now, stand aside, worthy adversary.

#126
-‘Tis but a scratch. -‘'A scratch”? Your arms off.

#127
-No, it isn’t. -Well, what’s that, then?

#128
-I’ve had worse. -You liar.

#129
Come on, you pansy!

#130
Victory is mine.

#131
We thank thee, Lord, that in thy..

#132
-Come on, then. -What?

#133
Have at you.

#134
You are brave, Sir Knight, but the fight is mine.

#135
Had enough, eh?

#136
Look, you stupid bastard. You’ve got no arms left.

#137
-Yes, I have. -Look!

#138
Just a flesh wound.

#139
-Look, stop that. -Chicken!

#140
Ill have your leg. Right!

#141
-Right! Ill do you for that. -You’ll what?

#142
-Come here. -What are you going to do? Bleed on me?

#143
-I am invincible! -You’re a loony.

#144
The Black Knight always triumphs. Have at you!

#145
Come on, then.

#146
All right, we’ll call it a draw.

#147
-Come, Patsy. -Oh, I see.

#148
Running away? You yellow bastard!

#149
Come back here and take what’s coming to you! I’ll bite your legs off!

#150
Pie Jesu Domine

#151
Dona els requiem

#152
Pie Jesu Domine

#153
Dona els requiem

#154
-A witch! -We found a witch.

#155
-We got a witch! -We found a witch.

#156
We’ve got a witch.

#157
Burn her!

#158
-We have found a witch. May we burn her? -Burn her!

#159
-How do you know she is a witch? -She looks like one.

#160
Bring her forward.

#161
-I am not a witch. -But you are dressed as one.

#162
-They dressed me up like this. -We didn’t!

#163
And this isn’t my nose. It’s a false one.

#164
-Well? -Well, we did do the nose.

#165
-The nose? -And the hat. But she is a witch.

#166
Burn her!

#167
-Did you dress her up like this? -No. Yes.

#168
Yes, a bit. She has got a wart.

#169
-What makes you think she is a witch? -Well, she turned me into a newt.

#170
A newt?

#171
I got better.

#172
-Burn her anyway. -Burn her!

#173
Quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is a witch.

#174
-Are there? What are they? Tell us. -Do they hurt?

#175
Tell me, what do you do with witches?

#176
Burn them!

#177
-What do you burn apart from witches? -More witches1

#178
-Wood. -So, why do witches burn?

#179
-‘Cause they’re made of wood? -Good.

#180
So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood?

#181
-Build a bridge out of her. -Can you not also make bridges of stone?

#182
Oh, yeah.

#183
Does wood sink in water?

#184
-No. -It floats.

#185
Throw her into the pond!

#186
-What also floats in water? -Bad.

#187
-Apples. -Very small rocks.

#188
-Cider. Cherries. -Gravy. Mud.

#189
-Churches. -Lead.

#190
A duck!

#191
Exactly.

#192
So, logically...

#193
If she

#194
weighs the same as a duck...

#195
Shes made of wood.

#196
And, therefore...

#197
-A witch! -A witch!

#198
We shall use my largest scales

#199
Right. Remove the supports!

#200
-A witch! -A witch!

#201
-It’s a fair cop. -Burn her!

#202
Who are you, who are so wise in the ways of science?

#203
-I am Arthur, King of the Britons. -My liege.

#204
Good Sir Knight, will you come to Camelot, and join us at the Round Table?

#205
My liege, I would be honored.

#206
-What is your name? -Bedevere, my liege.

#207
Then I dub you Sir Bedevere,

#208
knight of the Round Table.

#209
The wise Sir Bedevere was the first to join King Arthur’s knights.

#210
But other illustrious names were soon to follow.

#211
Sir Lancelot the Brave.

#212
Sir Galahad the Pure.

#213
And Sir Robin, the Not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-Lancelot,

#214
who had nearly fought the Dragon of Angnor

#215
Iwho had nearly stood up to the vicious Chicken of Bristol,

#216
and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill.

#217
And the aptly named Sir Not-appearing-in-this-film.

#218
Together they formed a band

#219
whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the centuries.

#220
The Knights of the Round Table.

#221
That, my liege, is how we know the Earth to be banana-shared.

#222
This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere!

#223
Explain again how sheep’s bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.

#224
-Certainly, sin. -Look, my liege.

#225
-Camelot. -Camelot.

#226
-Camelot. -Its only a model.

#227
Knights, I bid you welcome to your new home.

#228
Let us ride to Camelot!

#229
We’re knights of the Round Table We dance whene’er we’re able

#230
We do routines and chorus scenes With footwork impeccable

#231
We dine well here in Camelot We eat ham and jam and Spam a lot

#232
We’re knights of the Round Table Our shows are formidable

#233
But many times We’re given rhymes

#234
That are quite unsingable We’re opera mad in Camelot

#235
sing from the diaphragm a lot

#236
In war we’re tough and able

#237
Quite indefatigable

#238
Between our quests We sequin vests

#239
And impersonate Clark Gable It’s a busy life in Camelot

#240
I have to push the pram a lot

#241
No, on second thoughts, let’s not go to Camelot. It is a silly place.

#242
Right.

#243
Arthur.

#244
King of the Britons.

#245
Don ‘t grovel. If there’s one thing I can ‘t stand, it’s people groveling.

#246
- Sorry. -And don’t apologize.

#247
Evey time I talk to someone it’s “sorry this,” and, “forgive me that''

#248
and, “I’m not worthy. “

#249
-What are you doing now? -I’m averting my eyes, O Lord.

#250
Don‘t. It’s like those miserable psalms. They’re so depressing.

#251
-Now, knock it off’ Lord. -Yes,

#252
Right. Arthur, King of the Britons.

#253
Your knights of the Round Table shall have a task

#254
to make them an example in these dark times.

#255
-Good idea, O Lordl -Course it’s a good idea.

#256
Behold, Arthur, this is the Holy Grail’

#257
Look well, Arthur, for it is your sacred task to seek this grail.

#258
That is your purpose, Arthur.

#259
The quest for the Holy Grail.

#260
-A blessing from the Lord. -God be praised!

#261
Halt!

#262
Hello!

#263
Hello!

#264
Hello. Who is it?

#265
It is King Arthur, and these are my knights of the Round Table.

#266
Whose castle is this?

#267
This is the castle of my master, Guy de Loimbard.

#268
Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God

#269
with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night,

#270
he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.

#271
Well, I’ll ask him, but I don’t think he’ll be very keen.

#272
He’s already got one, you see.

#273
-What? -Hi says they’ve already got one!

#274
-Are you sure he’s got one? -Oh, yes. It’s very nice.

#275
I told him we’ve already got one.

#276
-Can we come up and have a look? -Of course not! You are English-types.

#277
-Well, what are you then? -I’m French.

#278
Why do you think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king?

#279
-What are you doing in England? -Mind your own business.

#280
If you will not show us the Graill, we shall take your castle by force.

#281
You don’t frighten us, English pig-dogs!

#282
Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person.

#283
I blow my nose at you, so-called Arthur King.

#284
You and all your silly English knights.

#285
-What a strange person. -Now look here, my good man...

#286
I don’t want to talk to you no more

#287
you empty-headed, animal food-trough wiper.

#288
I fart in your general direction

#289
Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries.

#290
Is there someone else up there we could talk to?

#291
No. Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time.

#292
Now, this is your last chance. I’ve been more than reasonable...

#293
-Fetchez Ia vache! -Quoi?

#294
Fetchez Ia vache!

#295
If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall..

#296
Jesus Christ!

#297
Crikey!

#298
Right! Charge!

#299
Run away! Run away!

#300
-Fiends! I’ll tear them apart. -No, no.

#301
Sir, I have a plan, sir.

#302
-Un cadeau. -What?

#303
-A present. -Un cadeau.

#304
Oul, allons-y. Let’s go.

#305
What happens now?

#306
Well, now, Lancelot, Galahad, and I wait until nightfall,

#307
and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French by surprise.

#308
Not only by surprise, but totally unarmed!

#309
Who leaps out?

#310
Lancelot, Galahad, and I

#311
leap out of the rabbit.

#312
Look. If we built this large, wooden badger...

#313
Run away!

#314
-History for Schools. Take 8. -Action!

#315
Defeat at the castle seems to have utterly disheartened King Arthur.

#316
The ferocity of the French taunting took him completely by surprise.

#317
Arthur became convinced that a new strategy was required

#318
if the quest for the Holy Grail were to be brought to a successful conclusion.

#319
Arthur, having consulted his closest knights

#320
decided that they should separate, and search for the Grail individually.

#321
Now, this is what they did...

#322
Frank!

#323
So, each of the knights went their separate ways.

#324
Sir Robin rode north, through the dark forest of Ewing,

#325
accompanied by his favorite minstrels.

#326
Bravely bold Sir Robin Rode forth from Camelot

#327
He was not afraid to die O, Brave Sir Robin

#328
He was not at all afraid To be killed in nasty ways

#329
Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin

#330
He was not in the least bit scared To be mashed into a pulp

#331
Or to have his eyes gouged out And his elbows broken

#332
To have his kneecaps split And his body burned away

#333
And his limbs all hacked and mangled Brave Sir Robin

#334
His head smashed in And his heart cut out

#335
His liver removed And his bowels unplugged

#336
His nostrils raped, his bottom burned off And his penis...

#337
That’s enough music for now, lads.

#338
Looks like there’s dirty work afoot.

#339
Anarcho-syndicalism is a way of preserving freedom.

#340
Dennis, forget about freedom. Don’t drop that mud.

#341
Halt! Who art thou?

#342
He is brave Sir Robin, brave Sir Robin...

#343
Shut up!

#344
Nobody, really. I was just passing through.

#345
What do you want?

#346
To fight and...

#347
Shut up!

#348
Nothing. Nothing, really.

#349
-Just to pass through, good Sir Knight. -I’m afraid not.

#350
-Actually, I am a knight of the Round Table. -You’re a knight of the Round Table?

#351
I am.

#352
-In that case, I have to kill you. -Shall I?

#353
-I don’t think so. -What do I think?

#354
-Kill him. -Let’s be nice to him.

#355
-Shut up.

#356
And you!

#357
Get the sword out. I want to cut his head off!

#358
-Cut your own head off -Yes, do us all a favor.

#359
-What? -Yapping on all the time.

#360
-You’re lucky you’re not next to him. -What do you mean?

#361
-You snore. -I don't.

#362
-You’ve got bad breath. -Only because you don’t brush my teeth.

#363
Stop bitching, and let’s go and have tea!

#364
All right! We’ll kill him first, and then have tea and biscuits.

#365
-Yes. -Not biscuits.

#366
All right! Not biscuits. But let’s kill him anyway

#367
Right.

#368
-He’s buggered off! -So he has! He’s scarpered.

#369
Brave Sir Robin ran away

#370
No!

#371
Bravely ran away, away

#372
I didn’t.

#373
When danger reared its ugly head He bravely turned his tail and fled

#374
Yes, Brave Sir Robin turned about And gallantly he chickened out

#375
Bravely taking to his feet He beat a veiy brave retreat

#376
Bravest of the brave, Sir Robin

#377
I never!

#378
Pie Jesu Domine

#379
Dona els requiem

#380
Open the door.

#381
In the name of King Arthur, open the door!

#382
Hello!

#383
Welcome, gentle Sir Knight. Welcome to the Castle Anthrax.

#384
-The Castle Anthrax? -Yes.

#385
It’s not a very good name, is it?

#386
But we are nice, and we will attend to your every, every need!

#387
You are the keepers of the Holy Grail?

#388
-The what? -The Grail. It is here?

#389
But you are tired, and you must rest awhile.

#390
Midget! Crapper!

#391
-Yes, O Zoot? -Prepare a bed for our guest.

#392
-Thank you, Zoot. -Thank you.

#393
Away, away, varletesses!

#394
The beds here are warm and soft, and very, very big.

#395
-Look, I... -What is your name, handsome knight?

#396
Sir Galahad the Chaste.

#397
Mine is Zoot. Just Zoot.

#398
-But come. -Please, in Gods name, show me the Grail.

#399
You have suffered much. You are delirious.

#400
-Look, I have seen it. It is here. -Sir Galahad!

#401
You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality.

#402
I'm afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet, compared to yours.

#403
We’re eight score blondes and brunettes, all between 16 and 19 and a half,

#404
cut off in this castle, with no one to protect us.

#405
It is a lonely Iife.

#406
Bathing, dressing, undressing, making exciting underwear.

#407
We are just not used to handsome knights.

#408
Nay. Come. You may lie here.

#409
-But you are wounded! -No, it’s nothing!

#410
You must see the doctors immediately. Please, lie down.

#411
-Well, what seems to be the trouble? -They’re doctors?

#412
They have a basic medical training.

#413
Come, come, you must try to rest.

#414
Dr. Piglet! Dr. Winston! Practice your art.

#415
-Try to relax. -Are you sure that’s absolutely necessary?

#416
We must examine you.

#417
-There’s nothing wrong with that. -Please. We are doctors.

#418
Look, this cannot be.

#419
-I am sworn to chastity! -Back to your bedl

#420
Torment me no longer. I have seen the Grail!

#421
-There’s no Grail here. -I have seen it.

#422
-I have seen.. -Hello.

#423
Hello.

#424
Zoot! -I am Zoot’s identical twin sister, Dingo.

#425
-Where are you going? -I seek the Grail.

#426
I have seen it here in this castle!

#427
Oh, no. Bad, bad Zoot!

#428
-What is it? -Wicked, bad, naughty Zoot!

#429
She has been setting light to our beacon, which is Grail-shaped.

#430
It’s not the first time we’ve had this problem.

#431
Its not the real Grail?

#432
Wicked, bad, naughty, evil Zoot.

#433
She is a bad person, and must pay the penalty.

#434
Do you think this scene should have been cut?

#435
We were so worried when the boys were writing it.

#436
But now we’re glad. It’s better than some previous scenes, I think.

#437
Ours was better visually.

#438
Ours was committed. It wasn’t a string of pussy jokes.

#439
-Get on with it. -Yes. Get on with it!

#440
Get on with it!

#441
-I am enjoying this scene. -Get on with it!

#442
Wicked, wicked Zoot!

#443
She must pay the penalty.

#444
In Castle Anthrax, we have one punishment for setting alight the Grail-shaped beacon.

#445
You must tie her down on a bed, and spank her.

#446
A spanking! A spanking!

#447
You must spank her, and after you’ve spanked her, deal with her as you like.

#448
-And, then, spank me. -And me!

#449
-And me. -And me.

#450
Yes. You must give us all a good spanking!

#451
A spanking!

#452
-And, after the spanking, the oral sex. -The oral sex!

#453
Well, I could stay a bit longer.

#454
-Sir Galahad! -Hello.

#455
-Quick! You are in great peril. -Why?

#456
-No, he isn’t! -Silence, foul temptress!

#457
-She’s got a point. -We’ll cover your escape!

#458
-Look, I’m fine! -Wait, Sir Galahad!

#459
-I can tackle this lot single-handed -Yes, let him tackle us single-handed!

#460
No, Sir Galahad. Come!

#461
Honestly, I can handle this lot easily!

#462
-Yes, let him handle us easily. -Go! Quick!

#463
Wait! Please! I can defeat them! There’s only 150 of them!

#464
He’ll beat us easily. We haven’t a chance

#465
Oh, shit!

#466
-You were in great peril. -I don’t think I was.

#467
You were in terrible peril.

#468
-Let me go back, and face the peril. -No, it’s too perilous.

#469
It’s my duty to sample as much peril as I can.

#470
We’ve got to find the Holy Grail.

#471
-Let me have just a bit of peril? -No. It’s unhealthy.

#472
-I bet you’re gay. -No, I’m not.

#473
Sir Lancelot had saved Sir Galahad from almost certain temptation.

#474
But, they were still no nearer the Grail.

#475
King Arthur and Sir Bedevere, not more than a swallow’s flight away,

#476
had discovered something.

#477
That’s an unladen swallow’s flight, obviously.

#478
They were more than two laden swallow’s flights away.

#479
Four, with a coconut on a line between them.

#480
If the birds were...

#481
Get on with it!

#482
Oh, anyway,

#483
on to Scene 24, which is a smashing scene, with some lovely acting,

#484
in which Arthur discovers a vital clue.

#485
There aren‘t any swallows but I think you can hear a...

#486
And this enchanter of whom you speak, he has seen the Grail?

#487
Where does he live?

#488
Old man, where does he live?

#489
He knows of a cave. A cave which no man has entered.

#490
-And the Grail. The Grail is there? -There is much danger.

#491
For beyond the cave lies the Gorge of Eternal Peril,

#492
which no man has ever crossed.

#493
But the Grail. Where is the Grail’?

#494
Seek you the Bridge of Death.

#495
The Bridge of Death? Which leads to the Grail?

#496
-Who are you? -We are the knights who say “Ni”!

#497
-No! Not the knights who say “Ni’? -The same!

#498
-Who are they? -We are the keepers of the sacred words.

#499
“Ni", "Peng” and “Neee Wom”!

#500
Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale.

#501
The knights who say “Ni'' demand a sacrifice.

#502
Knights of Ni, we are but simple travelers

#503
who seek the enchanter who lives beyond these woods.

#504
Ni! Ni!

#505
We shall say “Ni” again to you, if you do not appease us.

#506
-What is it you want? -We want

#507
a shrubbery.

#508
A what?

#509
-Ni! Ni! -Please No more!

#510
-We will find you a shrubbery. -You must return with a shrubbery,

#511
or else you will never pass through this wood

#512
alive.

#513
Knights of Ni, you are just and fair.

#514
-We will return with a shrubbery. -One that looks nice.

#515
-Of course. -And not too expensive.

#516
-Yes. -Now go!

#517
Stop that! Stop that!

#518
Go on, clear off! Go away.

#519
And you, clear off!

#520
Bloody weather.

#521
The tale of Sir Lancelot.

#522
One day, lad, all this will be yours.

#523
-What, the curtains? -No, not the curtains.

#524
All that you can see, stretched out over the hills and valleys.

#525
That'll be your kingdom, lad.

#526
-But, Mother. -Father, lad.

#527
-But, Father, I dont want any of that. -Listen, lad.

#528
I built this kingdom up from nothing! When I started here, it was a swamp.

#529
Other kings said I was daft to build a castle on the swamp.

#530
But I built it all the same to show them.

#531
It sank into the swamp.

#532
So, I built a second one. That sank into the swamp.

#533
I built a third one. That burned down, fell over, then sank in the swamp.

#534
But the fourth one stayed up.

#535
And that’s what you’ll get, lad.

#536
-The strongest castle in these isles. -But I don’t want any of that.

#537
-I'dd rather... -Rather what?

#538
I’d rather just

#539
-sing. -Stop that.

#540
You’re not going into a song while I’m here!

#541
In 20 minutes, you’re marrying a girl

#542
whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain.

#543
-But I don’t want land. -Listen, Alice.

#544
-Herbert. -Herbert.

#545
We live on a bloody swamp, we need all the land we can get.

#546
-But I don’t like her. -Don’t like her?

#547
What’s wrong with her?

#548
She’s beautiful, she’s rich. She’s got huge

#549
tracts of land.

#550
I know, but I want the girl that I marry to have

#551
a certain special something.

#552
Cut that out!

#553
You’re marrying Princess Lucky, so you’d better get used to the idea!

#554
Guards!

#555
Make sure the Prince doesn’t leave the room until I get him.

#556
Not to leave the room, even if you come and get him.

#557
No. Until I come and get him.

#558
Until you come and get him, we’re not to enter the room.

#559
No, you stay in the room and make sure he doesn’t leave.

#560
-And you’ll come and get him. -Right.

#561
We don't need to do anything, apart from stop him entering the room.

#562
-No. Leaving the room. -Leaving the room, yes.

#563
-All right? -Right. If...

#564
-If we’re.... -Yes?

#565
Look, its quite simpIe.

#566
You stay here and make sure he doesn’t leave the room.

#567
-All right? -I remember.

#568
Can he leave the room with us?

#569
No, you just keep him in here, and make sure..

#570
Yes! Well keep him in here, obviously.

#571
-But if he had to leave... -No. Keep him in here!

#572
-Until you, or anyone. -Not anyone, just mel

#573
-Just you.. -Get back.

#574
-Right? -Right.

#575
We’ll stay here until you get back.

#576
-And make sure he doesn’t leave. -What?

#577
-Make sure he doesn’t leave. -The Prince?

#578
-Yes, make sure he doesn’t leave. -Yes, of course!

#579
I thought you meant him!

#580
It seemed a bit daft me having to guard him when he’s a guard.

#581
-Is that clear? -Quite clear. No problems.

#582
Right.

#583
-Where are you going? -We’re coming with you.

#584
No, I want you to stay here, and make sure he doesn’t leave.

#585
I see, right.

#586
-But, Father... -Shut it, and get that suit on.

#587
And no singing!

#588
Go and get a glass of water!

#589
-Well taken, Concorde! -Thank you, sir, most kind.

#590
And again!

#591
Over we go! Good, steady!

#592
Now, the big one!

#593
Come on, Concorde!

#594
Message for you, sir.

#595
Concorde, speak to me!

#596
“To whoever finds this note.

#597
“I have been imprisoned by my father,

#598
“who wishes me to marry against my will.

#599
“Please, please come and rescue me.

#600
''I am in the tall tower of Swamp Castle''.

#601
At last! A call! A cry of distress!

#602
This could be the sign that leads us to the Holy Grail!

#603
Brave Concorde, you shall not have died in vain!

#604
I’m not quite dead, sir.

#605
You shall not have been mortally wounded in vain!

#606
I think I could pull through, sir.

#607
-l see. -I think I’m all right to come with you.

#608
No, sweet Concorde! Stay here.

#609
I will send help as soon as I have accomplished a daring and

#610
heroic rescue in my own particular...

#611
-Idiom, sir? -Idiom!

#612
-No, I feel fine, actually, sir. -Farewell, sweet Concorde!

#613
Ill just stay here, shall I, sir?

#614
Yeah.

#615
-Morning. -Morning.

#616
Hey!

#617
You’re not allowed to enter the room...

#618
Fair one, behold your humble servant, Sir Lancelot of Camelot.

#619
-I have come to take... I’m terribly sorry. -You got my note!

#620
-I got a note. -You’ve come to rescue me?

#621
-Well, no, you see... -I knew someone would.

#622
I knew that somewhere out there, there must be someone..

#623
Stop that! Stop it!

#624
Who are you?

#625
-I’m your son. -No, not you.

#626
-Im Sir Lancelot, sir. -Hes come to rescue me, Father.

#627
-Let’s not jump to conclusions -Did you kill all those guards?

#628
Yes. Sorry.

#629
-They cost 50 pounds each. -I’m awfully sorry.

#630
Don’t be afraid of him, Sir Lancelot. I’ve got a rope ready.

#631
You killed eight wedding guests and all!

#632
Well, you see, I thought your son was a lady.

#633
I can understand that.

#634
-Hurry, Sir Lancelot! Hurry! Shut up!

#635
-You only killed the bride’s father! -l didn’t mean to.

#636
Didn’t mean to? You put your sword through his head!

#637
-Oh dear, is he all right? -You kicked the bride in the chest!

#638
-It’s going to cost me a fortune! -I can explain.

#639
I was in the forest, riding north from Camelot, when I got this note.

#640
-Are you from Camelot? -Hurry, Sir Lancelot!

#641
I'm a knight of King Arthur, sir.

#642
Very nice castle, Camelot. Very good pig country.

#643
-Is it? -I am ready!

#644
-Would you like to come have a drink? -Thats awfully nice of you.

#645
-I am ready! -I mean, to be so understanding.

#646
You see, when I’m in this idiom, I sometimes get a bit carried away.

#647
Now, this is the main hall. We’ll have all this knocked through...

#648
-There he is! -Bloody hell.

#649
-Hold it, please! -See what I mean? I get carried away.

#650
I'm really most awfully sorry. Sorry, everyone.

#651
He’s killed the best man!

#652
Hold it, please, hold it! This is Sir Lancelot

#653
from the Court of CameIot, a brave and influential knigh.

#654
-And my special guest here today. -Hallo.

#655
He killed my auntie!

#656
No, please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion!

#657
Let’s not bicker and argue about who killed who.

#658
We are here today to witness the union of two young people

#659
in the joyful bond of holy wedlock.

#660
Unfortunately, one of them, my son Herbert,

#661
has just fallen to his death.

#662
But I don’t want to think I’ve lost a son, so much as

#663
gained a daughter.

#664
For, since the tragic death of her father..

#665
He’s not quite dead!

#666
Since the near fatal wounding of her father..

#667
He’s getting better!

#668
For, since her own father

#669
who, when he seemed about to recover,

#670
suddenly felt the icy hand of death upon him.

#671
He’s died!

#672
I want his only daughter to look upon me

#673
as her own dad, in a very real, and legally binding sense.

#674
And I feel sure that the merger, the union between the Princess

#675
and the brave but dangerous Sir Lancelot of Camelot...

#676
-What? -Look, the dead Prince!

#677
-He’s not quite dead! -I feel much betteri

#678
You fell out of the tall tower, you creep!

#679
-No, I was saved at the last minute. -How?

#680
I’ll tell you.

#681
Not like that! Not like that.

#682
He’s going to tell He’s going to tell

#683
Quickly, sir, come this way!

#684
No, it’s not right for my idiom. I must escape more...

#685
-Dramatically, sir? -Dramatically.

#686
Excuse me, could somebody give me a push, please?

#687
Old crone!

#688
Is there anywhere in this town where we could buy a shrubbery?

#689
-Who sent you? -The knights who say “Ni”!

#690
No! We have no shrubberies here.

#691
If you do not tell us where we can buy a shrubbery, my friend and I

#692
will say...

#693
We will say “Ni.”

#694
Do your worst!

#695
Very well. If you will not assist us voluntarily...

#696
-Ni! -No!

#697
Never. No shrubberies.

#698
-Ni! -No!

#699
No, it’s not that, it’s ‘Ni.”

#700
No, you’re not doing it properly.

#701
-Ni! -You've got it.

#702
-Ni! -Ni!

#703
Are you saying “Ni” to that old woman?

#704
Yes.

#705
What sad times are these when passing ruffians can say “Ni” at will to old ladies.

#706
There is a pestilence upon this land. Nothing is sacred.

#707
Even those who arrange shrubberies are under considerable economic stress

#708
at this period in history.

#709
-Did you say ''shrubberies''? -Yes.

#710
Shrubberies are my trade. I am a shrubber.

#711
My name is Roger the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.

#712
-Ni! -No!

#713
Knights of Ni, we have brought you your shrubbery.

#714
-May we go? -It is a good shrubbery.

#715
I like the laurels particularly. But there is one small problem.

#716
What is that?

#717
We are now no longer the knights who say “Ni.

#718
We are now the knights who say,

#719
“Ekke Ekke Ekke Ptang Zoo Boing”!

#720
Therefore, we must give you a test.

#721
What is this test, knights who until recently said “Ni’?

#722
Firstly, you must find

#723
another shrubbery!

#724
Not another shrubbery!

#725
Then you must bring it here beside this shrubbery.

#726
Higher, so you get the two-level effect with a path going down the middle.

#727
A path! A path!

#728
Then, when you have found the shrubberies,

#729
you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest

#730
with a herring!

#731
-We shall do no such thing. -Please.

#732
Cut down a tree with a herring? It can’t be done.

#733
-Don’t say that word. -What word?

#734
I cannot tell. Suffice to say,

#735
it’s one of the words the knights of Ni cannot hear.

#736
How can we not say the word if you don’t tell us what it is?

#737
-He did it again. -What? "Is"?

#738
No, not “is”! You wouldn’t get very far in life not saying “is.”

#739
My liege, it’s Robin.

#740
He’s jacking it in and packing it up And sneaking away and buggering off

#741
And chickening out and pissing a pot Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge

#742
-Robin. -My liege.

#743
-It’s good to see you. -Now he’s said the word!

#744
You haven’t given up your quest for the Holy Grail?

#745
He is sneaking away and...

#746
Shut up!

#747
-No, far from it. -You said the word again.

#748
I was looking for it here in this forest.

#749
-No, it is far from this place. -Stop saying the word!

#750
-The word we cannot hear! -Stop it!

#751
-He said ''it'' again! -That's it!

#752
I’ve said ‘‘it". I've said "it". I’ve said ''it'' again!

#753
That’s three “its’!

#754
And so Arthur and Bedevere and Sir Robin set out on their search to find

#755
the enchanter of whom the old man had spoken in Scene 24.

#756
Beyond the forest they met Lancelot and Galahad,

#757
and there was much rejoicing.

#758
In the frozen land of Nador,

#759
they were forced to eat Robin’s minstrels.

#760
And there was much rejoicing.

#761
A year passed.

#762
Winter changed into spring.

#763
Spring changed into summer.

#764
Summer changed back into winter,

#765
and winter gave spring and summer a miss and went straight on into autumn.

#766
Until one day.

#767
Knights,

#768
forward!

#769
What manner of man are you that can summon up fire

#770
-without flint or tinder? -I am an enchanter.

#771
-By what name are you known? -There are some who call me...

#772
-Tim. -Greetings, Tim the enchanter!

#773
Greetings, King Arthur.

#774
-You know my name? -I do.

#775
You seek the Holy Grail.

#776
That is our quest. You know much that is hidden, Tim.

#777
Quitel

#778
Yes, we are looking for the Holy Grail.

#779
-Our quest is to find the Holy Grail. -Yes, it is.

#780
-And so we’re looking for it. -Yes, we are.

#781
-We have been for some time. -Ages.

#782
So, anything you could do to help would be

#783
very

#784
-helpful. -Look, can you tell us where...

#785
Fine, I don’t want to waste any more of your time,

#786
but I don’t suppose you could tell us where we might find a...

#787
A what?

#788
A grail?

#789
Yes, I think so.

#790
Yes.

#791
Yes!

#792
-Thank you. -Splendid!

#793
Look, you’re a busy man...

#794
Yes, I can help you find the Holy Grail.

#795
To the north, there lies a cave. The Cave of Caerbannog.

#796
Wherein, carved in mystic runes, upon the very living rock,

#797
the last words of Olfin Bedwere of Rheged

#798
make plain the last resting place of the most Holy Grail.

#799
-Where could we find this cave, Tim? -Follow!

#800
But follow only if ye be men of valor.

#801
For the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature

#802
so foul, so cruel,

#803
that no man yet has fought with it and lived.

#804
Bones of full 50 men lie strewn about its lair.

#805
So, brave knights, if you do doubt your courage

#806
or your strength, come no further,

#807
for death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth.

#808
What an eccentric performance!

#809
They’re nervous, sire.

#810
Then we’d best leave them here and carry on, on foot.

#811
Dismount!

#812
Behold the Cave of Caerbannog!

#813
-Right, keep me covered. -What with?

#814
-Just keep me covered. -Too late.

#815
There he is!

#816
-Where? -There.

#817
-What, behind the rabbit? -It is the rabbit.

#818
-You silly sod! -What?

#819
You got us all worked up.

#820
That’s no ordinary rabbit.

#821
Thats the most foul, cruel and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on.

#822
You tit! I soiled my armor I was so scared!

#823
Look, that rabbit’s got a vicious streak a mile wide.

#824
-It’s a killer! -Get stuffed.

#825
-He’ll do you up a treat, mate! -Yeah?

#826
-You manky Scots git! -I’m warning you.

#827
-What’s he do? Nibble your bum? -He’s got huge, sharp...

#828
It can leap about...

#829
-Look at the bones! -Go on, Bors, chop its head off.

#830
Right. Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew coming right up.

#831
Look!

#832
-Jesus Christ! -I warned you!

#833
-I’ve done it again. -I warned you.

#834
But did you listen to me? No, you knew it all, didn’t you?

#835
It’s just a harmless little bunny, isn’t it? Well, it’s always the same.

#836
-I always... -Shut up!

#837
Charge!

#838
Run away!

#839
-How many did we lose? -Gawain.

#840
-Ector. -And Bors. That’s five.

#841
-Three. -Three.

#842
We better not risk another frontal assault, that rabbit’s dynamite.

#843
Would it help to confuse it if we run away more?

#844
-Shut up and change your armor. -Let us taunt it.

#845
lit may become so cross that it will make a mistake.

#846
Like what?

#847
Well...

#848
-Have we got bows? -No.

#849
-We have the Holy Hand Grenade. -Yes, of course!

#850
The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch.

#851
It’s one of the sacred relics Brother Maynard carries.

#852
Brother Maynard! Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade.

#853
How does it...

#854
How does it work?

#855
-l know not, my liege. -Consult the Book of Armaments.

#856
Armaments 2: 9-21.

#857
“And St. Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying,

#858
“O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade, that with it thou mayest

#859
“blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy''.

#860
“And the Lord did grin and the people did feast upon

#861
“the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans

#862
“and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and..''

#863
Skip a bit, Brother.

#864
“The Lord spake, saying, ‘First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin,

#865
“then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less.

#866
“Three shalt be the number thou shalt count,

#867
''and the number of the counting shalt be three.

#868
“Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two,

#869
''excepting that thou then proceed to three.

#870
“Five is right out.

#871
“Once the number three, being the third number be reached,

#872
“then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch

#873
“towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight,

#874
“shall snuff it.”

#875
Amen.

#876
Right.

#877
One, two, five!

#878
-Three, sir! Three!

#879
There! Look!

#880
-What does it say? -What language is that?

#881
Brother Maynard, you’re our scholar.

#882
It is Aramaic!

#883
Of course. Joseph of Arimathea!

#884
-Of course. -What does it say?

#885
It reads, “Here may be found

#886
“the last words of Joseph of Arimathea

#887
He who is valiant and pure of spirit

#888
‘may find the Holy Grail

#889
“in the Castle of Aaargh.’’

#890
What?

#891
“The Castle of Aaargh.”

#892
What is that?

#893
He must have died while carving it.

#894
-Come on! -Thats what it says.

#895
Look, if he was dying, he wouldn’t bother to carve “Aaargh.”

#896
-He’d just say it. -That’s what’s carved in the rock.

#897
-Perhaps he was dictating it. -Shut up!

#898
-Does it say anything else? -No!

#899
Just “Aaargh.”

#900
Aaargh.

#901
Do you suppose he meant the Camargue?

#902
-Where’s that? -In France, I think.

#903
-Isn’t there a St. Aaargh’s in Cornwall? -No, that’s St. Ives.

#904
St. Ives.

#905
No, “Aaargh.” At the back of the throat.

#906
No, ‘Ooh,’ in surprise and alarm!

#907
-You mean a sort of an “Ah!” -Yes, that’s right.

#908
My God!

#909
It’s the legendary Black Beast ...

#910
That’s it! Run away!

#911
Keep running.

#912
We’ve lost him.

#913
As the horrendous Black Beast lunged foiward,

#914
escape for Arthur and his knights seemed hopeless.

#915
When, suddenly, the animator suffered a fatal heart attack.

#916
The cartoon peril was no more.

#917
The quest for the Holy Grail could continue.

#918
There it is!

#919
-The Bridge of Death. -Great.

#920
Look! There’s the old man from Scene 24.

#921
-What’s he doing here? -He is the keeper of the Bridge of Death.

#922
He asks each traveler five questions.

#923
-Three questions! -Three questions.

#924
-He who answers the five questions... -Three questions.

#925
-... three questions, may cross in safety. -What if you get a question wrong?

#926
Then you are cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril.

#927
-Oh, wacko. -Who’s going to answer the questions?

#928
Brave Sir Robin, you go.

#929
I’ve got a great idea.

#930
Why doesn’t Lancelot go?

#931
Yes, let me go, my liege. I will take him single-handed.

#932
-I shall make a feint to the northeast... -Hang on!

#933
-Just answer the five questions... -Three questions.

#934
...three questions, as best you can. And we shall watch and pray.

#935
I understand, my liege.

#936
Good luck, brave Sir Lancelot. God be with you.

#937
Stop!

#938
Who would cross the Bridge of Death, must answer me these questions three.

#939
Ere the other side he see.

#940
Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I’m not afraid.

#941
-What is your name? -My name is Sir Lancelot of Camelot.

#942
What is your quest?

#943
To seek the Holy Grail.

#944
What is your favorite color?

#945
-Blue. -Right. Off you go.

#946
Well, thank you very much.

#947
That’s easy.

#948
Stop.

#949
Who approacheth the Bridge of Death, must answer me these questions three.

#950
Ere the other side he see.

#951
Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I’m not afraid.

#952
-What is your name? -Sir Robin of Camelot.

#953
-What is your quest? -To seek the Holy Grail.

#954
What is the capital of Assyria?

#955
I don’t know that!

#956
Stop!

#957
-What is your name? -Sir Galahad of Camelot.

#958
-What is your quest? -I seek the Grail.

#959
-What is your favorite color? -Blue.

#960
No! Yellow!

#961
Stop!

#962
-What is your name? -It is Arthur, King of the Britons.

#963
-What is your quest? -To seek the Holy Grail.

#964
What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?

#965
What do you mean? An African or European swallow?

#966
I don’t know that!

#967
How do you know so much about swallows?

#968
You have to know these things when you’re a king.

#969
Lancelot!

#970
Lancelot!

#971
Lancelot!

#972
The Castle Aaargh. Our quest is at an end.

#973
God be praised.

#974
Almighty God,

#975
we thank thee, that thou hast vouchsafed to us the most holy...

#976
Jesus Christ!

#977
Hello, stuffy English knights

#978
and Monsieur Arthur King, who has the brain of a duck, you know.

#979
So, we French fellows outwit you a second time.

#980
How dare you profane this place with your presence?

#981
I command you, in the name of the knights of Camelot,

#982
to open the doors of this sacred castlel

#983
to which God himself has guided us.

#984
How you English say? One more time, I unclog my nose in your direction,

#985
Sons of a window-dresser!

#986
So, you think you couId out-clever us French folk

#987
with your silly knees-bent, running about, advancing behavior.

#988
I wave my private parts at your aunties.

#989
You cheesy lot of second-hand electric donkey-bottom biters!

#990
In the name of the Lord,

#991
we demand entrance to this sacred castle!

#992
No chance, English bed-wetting types.

#993
I burst my pimples at you, and call your door-opening request a silly thing!

#994
You tiny-brained wipers of other people’s bottoms.

#995
If you’ll not open this door, we shall take this castle by force!

#996
In the name of God and the glory of our...

#997
Right! That settles it!

#998
Depart at this time, and donut be approaching any more,

#999
or we fire arrows into your heads, and make castanets out of your testicles.

#1000
Walk away, just ignore them.

« Prev Page 1 of 2 Next » Back to Search