Home » Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975) » S01E01 — Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)

Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)

Season 1, Episode 1 — Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)

#1
Whoa, there!

#1
Whoa, there!

#1
Whoa, there!

#2
Halt!

#2
Halt!

#2
Halt!

#3
Who goes there?

#3
Who goes there?

#3
Who goes there?

#4
It is I, Arthur, Son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot.

#4
It is I, Arthur, Son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot.

#4
It is I, Arthur, Son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot.

#5
King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons

#5
King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons

#5
King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons

#6
Sovereign of all England!

#6
Sovereign of all England!

#6
Sovereign of all England!

#7
Pull the other one.

#7
Pull the other one.

#7
Pull the other one.

#8
I am, and this is my trusty servant, Patsy.

#8
I am, and this is my trusty servant, Patsy.

#8
I am, and this is my trusty servant, Patsy.

#9
We have ridden the length of the land in search of knights

#9
We have ridden the length of the land in search of knights

#9
We have ridden the length of the land in search of knights

#10
who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.

#10
who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.

#10
who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.

#11
-What? Ridden on a horse? -Yes.

#11
-What? Ridden on a horse? -Yes.

#11
-What? Ridden on a horse? -Yes.

#12
-You’re using coconuts! -What?

#12
-You’re using coconuts! -What?

#12
-You’re using coconuts! -What?

#13
You’ve got two empty halves of coconut, and you’re banging them together.

#13
You’ve got two empty halves of coconut, and you’re banging them together.

#13
You’ve got two empty halves of coconut, and you’re banging them together.

#14
So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land.

#14
So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land.

#14
So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land.

#15
-Through the Kingdom of Mercia. -Where did you get the coconuts?

#15
-Through the Kingdom of Mercia. -Where did you get the coconuts?

#15
-Through the Kingdom of Mercia. -Where did you get the coconuts?

#16
We found them.

#16
We found them.

#16
We found them.

#17
Found them? In Mercia? The coconut is tropical.

#17
Found them? In Mercia? The coconut is tropical.

#17
Found them? In Mercia? The coconut is tropical.

#18
-What do you mean? -Well, this is a temperate zone.

#18
-What do you mean? -Well, this is a temperate zone.

#18
-What do you mean? -Well, this is a temperate zone.

#19
The swallow may fly south with the sun, or the house martin or the plover

#19
The swallow may fly south with the sun, or the house martin or the plover

#19
The swallow may fly south with the sun, or the house martin or the plover

#20
may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land.

#20
may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land.

#20
may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land.

#21
-Are you suggesting coconuts migrate? -Not at all. They could be carried.

#21
-Are you suggesting coconuts migrate? -Not at all. They could be carried.

#22
-What? A swallow carrying a coconut? -It could grip it by the husk.

#22
-What? A swallow carrying a coconut? -It could grip it by the husk.

#23
It’s not a question of where he grips it! It’s a simple question of weight ratio. I

#23
It’s not a question of where he grips it! It’s a simple question of weight ratio. I

#24
A five-ounce bird could not carry a one-pound coconut.

#24
A five-ounce bird could not carry a one-pound coconut.

#25
It doesn’t matter. Go tell your master that Arthur from Camelot is here.

#25
It doesn’t matter. Go tell your master that Arthur from Camelot is here.

#26
In order to maintain air-speed velocity,

#26
In order to maintain air-speed velocity,

#27
a swallow needs to beat its wings 43 times every second, right?

#27
a swallow needs to beat its wings 43 times every second, right?

#28
Please! -Am I right?

#28
Please! -Am I right?

#29
-I'm not interested. -It could be carried by an African swallow.

#29
-I'm not interested. -It could be carried by an African swallow.

#30
Oh, yes! An African swallow, maybe. Not a European swallow. That’s my point.

#31
I agree with that.

#32
Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?

#33
But then, of course, African swallows are non-migratory.

#34
Oh, yes. They couIdnt bring a coconut, anyway.

#35
Wait a minute! Supposing two swallows carried it together?

#36
-No, they’d have to have it on a line. -Simple. They’d use a strand of creeper.

#37
-Held under the dorsal guiding feathers? Why not?

#38
Bring out your dead!

#39
Ninepence.

#40
-Bring out your dead. -Here's one.

#41
Ninepence.

#42
-I’m not dead! -What?

#43
-Nothing. Here’s your ninepence. -I’m not dead!

#44
-He says he’s not dead. -Yes, he is.

#45
not! -He isn’t?

#46
-He will be soon. He’s very ill. -I’m getting better!

#47
You’ll be stone dead in a moment

#48
I can’t take him like that. It’s against regulations.

#49
-I don’t want to go on the cart. -Don’t be such a baby.

#50
-I can’t take him. -l feel fine.

#51
-Well, do us a favor. I can’t.

#52
Can you hang around a few minutes? He won’t be long.

#53
Got to go to the Robinsons. They’ve lost nine today.

#54
-When’s your next round? -Thursday.

#55
-l think I’ll go for a walk. -You’re not fooling anyone, you know.

#56
-Isn’t there something you can do? -I feel happy.

#57
-Thanks very much. -Not at all. See you on Thursday.

#58
Right.

#59
-Who’s that, then? -I don’t know. Must be a king.

#60
-Why? -He hasn’t got shit all over him.

#61
-Old woman! -Man!

#62
Man. Sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?

#63
-I’m 37. -What?

#64
-I’m 37. I’m not old. -I can’t just call you “man.”

#65
-You could say “Dennis.” -I didn’t know you were called Dennis.

#66
You didn’t bother to find out.

#67
I did say sorry about the “old woman,’ but from behind...

#68
What I object to is that you treat me like an inferior.

#69
-Well, I am king. -King? Very nice

#70
How did you get that? By exploiting the workers!

#71
By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates

#72
the economic and social differences in our societyl

#73
-If there’s ever going to be any progress. -There’s some lovely filth down here.

#74
How do you do?

#75
How do you do, good lady? I am Arthur, King of the Britons.

#76
-Whose castle is that? -King of the who?

#77
-The Britons. -Who are the Britons?

#78
We all are. We’re all Britons. And l am your king.

#79
Didn’t know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective.

#80
You’re fooling yourself. We’re living in a dictatorship.

#81
A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working class...

#82
There you go. Bringing class into it again

#83
-That’s what it’s all about. If only people... -Please, good people. I am in haste.

#84
Who lives in that castle?

#85
-No one lives there -Who is your lord?

#86
-We don’t have a lord. -What?

#87
I told you. We’re an anarcho-syndicalist commune.

#88
We take turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.

#89
Yes. -But all the decisions of that officer

#90
-are ratified at a biweekly meeting. -Yes, I see.

#91
-By a majority in the case of internal affairs. -Be quietl

#92
-By a two-thirds majority in the case of. -Be quietr I order you to be quiet.

#93
“Order.” Who does he think he is’

#94
-I am your king! -I didn’t vote for you.

#95
-You don’t vote for kings. -How did you become king then?

#96
The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite,

#97
held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water,

#98
signifying, by divine providence, that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur.

#99
That is why I’m your king!

#100
Listen. Strange women lying in ponds, distributing swords, is no basis

#101
for a system of government. Supreme executive power

#102
derives from a mandate from the masses. Not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.

#103
Be quiet!

#104
You can’t expect to wield supreme executive power

#105
‘cause some watery tart threw a sword at you.

#106
-Shut up! -If I went around saying I was an emperor

#107
because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they’d put me away!

#108
-Will you shut up? -See the violence inherent in the system.

#109
-Shut up! -See the violence inherent in the system!

#110
-Help, I’m being repressed! -Bloody peasant!

#111
What a giveaway. Did you hear that?

#112
That’s what Im on about. Did you see him repressing me?

#113
You fight with the strength of many men, Sir Knight.

#114
I am Arthur, King of the Britons.

#115
I seek the finest and bravest knights in the land to join me in Camelot.

#116
You have proved yourself worthy. Will you join me?

#117
You make me sad. So be it. Come, Patsy.

#118
None shall pass.

#119
-What? -None shall pass.

#120
I have no quarrel with you, good Sir Knight, but I must cross this bridge.

#121
Then you shall die.

#122
I command you, as King of the Britons, to stand aside.

#123
I move for no man.

#124
So be it!

#125
Now, stand aside, worthy adversary.

#126
-‘Tis but a scratch. -‘'A scratch”? Your arms off.

#127
-No, it isn’t. -Well, what’s that, then?

#128
-I’ve had worse. -You liar.

#129
Come on, you pansy!

#130
Victory is mine.

#131
We thank thee, Lord, that in thy..

#132
-Come on, then. -What?

#133
Have at you.

#134
You are brave, Sir Knight, but the fight is mine.

#135
Had enough, eh?

#136
Look, you stupid bastard. You’ve got no arms left.

#137
-Yes, I have. -Look!

#138
Just a flesh wound.

#139
-Look, stop that. -Chicken!

#140
Ill have your leg. Right!

#141
-Right! Ill do you for that. -You’ll what?

#142
-Come here. -What are you going to do? Bleed on me?

#143
-I am invincible! -You’re a loony.

#144
The Black Knight always triumphs. Have at you!

#145
Come on, then.

#146
All right, we’ll call it a draw.

#147
-Come, Patsy. -Oh, I see.

#148
Running away? You yellow bastard!

#149
Come back here and take what’s coming to you! I’ll bite your legs off!

#150
Pie Jesu Domine

#151
Dona els requiem

#152
Pie Jesu Domine

#153
Dona els requiem

#154
-A witch! -We found a witch.

#155
-We got a witch! -We found a witch.

#156
We’ve got a witch.

#157
Burn her!

#158
-We have found a witch. May we burn her? -Burn her!

#159
-How do you know she is a witch? -She looks like one.

#160
Bring her forward.

#161
-I am not a witch. -But you are dressed as one.

#162
-They dressed me up like this. -We didn’t!

#163
And this isn’t my nose. It’s a false one.

#164
-Well? -Well, we did do the nose.

#165
-The nose? -And the hat. But she is a witch.

#166
Burn her!

#167
-Did you dress her up like this? -No. Yes.

#168
Yes, a bit. She has got a wart.

#169
-What makes you think she is a witch? -Well, she turned me into a newt.

#170
A newt?

#171
I got better.

#172
-Burn her anyway. -Burn her!

#173
Quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is a witch.

#174
-Are there? What are they? Tell us. -Do they hurt?

#175
Tell me, what do you do with witches?

#176
Burn them!

#177
-What do you burn apart from witches? -More witches1

#178
-Wood. -So, why do witches burn?

#179
-‘Cause they’re made of wood? -Good.

#180
So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood?

#181
-Build a bridge out of her. -Can you not also make bridges of stone?

#182
Oh, yeah.

#183
Does wood sink in water?

#184
-No. -It floats.

#185
Throw her into the pond!

#186
-What also floats in water? -Bad.

#187
-Apples. -Very small rocks.

#188
-Cider. Cherries. -Gravy. Mud.

#189
-Churches. -Lead.

#190
A duck!

#191
Exactly.

#192
So, logically...

#193
If she

#194
weighs the same as a duck...

#195
Shes made of wood.

#196
And, therefore...

#197
-A witch! -A witch!

#198
We shall use my largest scales

#199
Right. Remove the supports!

#200
-A witch! -A witch!

#201
-It’s a fair cop. -Burn her!

#202
Who are you, who are so wise in the ways of science?

#203
-I am Arthur, King of the Britons. -My liege.

#204
Good Sir Knight, will you come to Camelot, and join us at the Round Table?

#205
My liege, I would be honored.

#206
-What is your name? -Bedevere, my liege.

#207
Then I dub you Sir Bedevere,

#208
knight of the Round Table.

#209
The wise Sir Bedevere was the first to join King Arthur’s knights.

#210
But other illustrious names were soon to follow.

#211
Sir Lancelot the Brave.

#212
Sir Galahad the Pure.

#213
And Sir Robin, the Not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-Lancelot,

#214
who had nearly fought the Dragon of Angnor

#215
Iwho had nearly stood up to the vicious Chicken of Bristol,

#216
and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill.

#217
And the aptly named Sir Not-appearing-in-this-film.

#218
Together they formed a band

#219
whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the centuries.

#220
The Knights of the Round Table.

#221
That, my liege, is how we know the Earth to be banana-shared.

#222
This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere!

#223
Explain again how sheep’s bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.

#224
-Certainly, sin. -Look, my liege.

#225
-Camelot. -Camelot.

#226
-Camelot. -Its only a model.

#227
Knights, I bid you welcome to your new home.

#228
Let us ride to Camelot!

#229
We’re knights of the Round Table We dance whene’er we’re able

#230
We do routines and chorus scenes With footwork impeccable

#231
We dine well here in Camelot We eat ham and jam and Spam a lot

#232
We’re knights of the Round Table Our shows are formidable

#233
But many times We’re given rhymes

#234
That are quite unsingable We’re opera mad in Camelot

#235
sing from the diaphragm a lot

#236
In war we’re tough and able

#237
Quite indefatigable

#238
Between our quests We sequin vests

#239
And impersonate Clark Gable It’s a busy life in Camelot

#240
I have to push the pram a lot

#241
No, on second thoughts, let’s not go to Camelot. It is a silly place.

#242
Right.

#243
Arthur.

#244
King of the Britons.

#245
Don ‘t grovel. If there’s one thing I can ‘t stand, it’s people groveling.

#246
- Sorry. -And don’t apologize.

#247
Evey time I talk to someone it’s “sorry this,” and, “forgive me that''

#248
and, “I’m not worthy. “

#249
-What are you doing now? -I’m averting my eyes, O Lord.

#250
Don‘t. It’s like those miserable psalms. They’re so depressing.

#251
-Now, knock it off’ Lord. -Yes,

#252
Right. Arthur, King of the Britons.

#253
Your knights of the Round Table shall have a task

#254
to make them an example in these dark times.

#255
-Good idea, O Lordl -Course it’s a good idea.

#256
Behold, Arthur, this is the Holy Grail’

#257
Look well, Arthur, for it is your sacred task to seek this grail.

#258
That is your purpose, Arthur.

#259
The quest for the Holy Grail.

#260
-A blessing from the Lord. -God be praised!

#261
Halt!

#262
Hello!

#263
Hello!

#264
Hello. Who is it?

#265
It is King Arthur, and these are my knights of the Round Table.

#266
Whose castle is this?

#267
This is the castle of my master, Guy de Loimbard.

#268
Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God

#269
with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night,

#270
he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.

#271
Well, I’ll ask him, but I don’t think he’ll be very keen.

#272
He’s already got one, you see.

#273
-What? -Hi says they’ve already got one!

#274
-Are you sure he’s got one? -Oh, yes. It’s very nice.

#275
I told him we’ve already got one.

#276
-Can we come up and have a look? -Of course not! You are English-types.

#277
-Well, what are you then? -I’m French.

#278
Why do you think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king?

#279
-What are you doing in England? -Mind your own business.

#280
If you will not show us the Graill, we shall take your castle by force.

#281
You don’t frighten us, English pig-dogs!

#282
Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person.

#283
I blow my nose at you, so-called Arthur King.

#284
You and all your silly English knights.

#285
-What a strange person. -Now look here, my good man...

#286
I don’t want to talk to you no more

#287
you empty-headed, animal food-trough wiper.

#288
I fart in your general direction

#289
Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries.

#290
Is there someone else up there we could talk to?

#291
No. Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time.

#292
Now, this is your last chance. I’ve been more than reasonable...

#293
-Fetchez Ia vache! -Quoi?

#294
Fetchez Ia vache!

#295
If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall..

#296
Jesus Christ!

#297
Crikey!

#298
Right! Charge!

#299
Run away! Run away!

#300
-Fiends! I’ll tear them apart. -No, no.

#301
Sir, I have a plan, sir.

#302
-Un cadeau. -What?

#303
-A present. -Un cadeau.

#304
Oul, allons-y. Let’s go.

#305
What happens now?

#306
Well, now, Lancelot, Galahad, and I wait until nightfall,

#307
and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French by surprise.

#308
Not only by surprise, but totally unarmed!

#309
Who leaps out?

#310
Lancelot, Galahad, and I

#311
leap out of the rabbit.

#312
Look. If we built this large, wooden badger...

#313
Run away!

#314
-History for Schools. Take 8. -Action!

#315
Defeat at the castle seems to have utterly disheartened King Arthur.

#316
The ferocity of the French taunting took him completely by surprise.

#317
Arthur became convinced that a new strategy was required

#318
if the quest for the Holy Grail were to be brought to a successful conclusion.

#319
Arthur, having consulted his closest knights

#320
decided that they should separate, and search for the Grail individually.

#321
Now, this is what they did...

#322
Frank!

#323
So, each of the knights went their separate ways.

#324
Sir Robin rode north, through the dark forest of Ewing,

#325
accompanied by his favorite minstrels.

#326
Bravely bold Sir Robin Rode forth from Camelot

#327
He was not afraid to die O, Brave Sir Robin

#328
He was not at all afraid To be killed in nasty ways

#329
Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin

#330
He was not in the least bit scared To be mashed into a pulp

#331
Or to have his eyes gouged out And his elbows broken

#332
To have his kneecaps split And his body burned away

#333
And his limbs all hacked and mangled Brave Sir Robin

#334
His head smashed in And his heart cut out

#335
His liver removed And his bowels unplugged

#336
His nostrils raped, his bottom burned off And his penis...

#337
That’s enough music for now, lads.

#338
Looks like there’s dirty work afoot.

#339
Anarcho-syndicalism is a way of preserving freedom.

#340
Dennis, forget about freedom. Don’t drop that mud.

#341
Halt! Who art thou?

#342
He is brave Sir Robin, brave Sir Robin...

#343
Shut up!

#344
Nobody, really. I was just passing through.

#345
What do you want?

#346
To fight and...

#347
Shut up!

#348
Nothing. Nothing, really.

#349
-Just to pass through, good Sir Knight. -I’m afraid not.

#350
-Actually, I am a knight of the Round Table. -You’re a knight of the Round Table?

#351
I am.

#352
-In that case, I have to kill you. -Shall I?

#353
-I don’t think so. -What do I think?

#354
-Kill him. -Let’s be nice to him.

#355
-Shut up.

#356
And you!

#357
Get the sword out. I want to cut his head off!

#358
-Cut your own head off -Yes, do us all a favor.

#359
-What? -Yapping on all the time.

#360
-You’re lucky you’re not next to him. -What do you mean?

#361
-You snore. -I don't.

#362
-You’ve got bad breath. -Only because you don’t brush my teeth.

#363
Stop bitching, and let’s go and have tea!

#364
All right! We’ll kill him first, and then have tea and biscuits.

#365
-Yes. -Not biscuits.

#366
All right! Not biscuits. But let’s kill him anyway

#367
Right.

#368
-He’s buggered off! -So he has! He’s scarpered.

#369
Brave Sir Robin ran away

#370
No!

#371
Bravely ran away, away

#372
I didn’t.

#373
When danger reared its ugly head He bravely turned his tail and fled

#374
Yes, Brave Sir Robin turned about And gallantly he chickened out

#375
Bravely taking to his feet He beat a veiy brave retreat

#376
Bravest of the brave, Sir Robin

#377
I never!

#378
Pie Jesu Domine

#379
Dona els requiem

#380
Open the door.

#381
In the name of King Arthur, open the door!

#382
Hello!

#383
Welcome, gentle Sir Knight. Welcome to the Castle Anthrax.

#384
-The Castle Anthrax? -Yes.

#385
It’s not a very good name, is it?

#386
But we are nice, and we will attend to your every, every need!

#387
You are the keepers of the Holy Grail?

#388
-The what? -The Grail. It is here?

#389
But you are tired, and you must rest awhile.

#390
Midget! Crapper!

#391
-Yes, O Zoot? -Prepare a bed for our guest.

#392
-Thank you, Zoot. -Thank you.

#393
Away, away, varletesses!

#394
The beds here are warm and soft, and very, very big.

#395
-Look, I... -What is your name, handsome knight?

#396
Sir Galahad the Chaste.

#397
Mine is Zoot. Just Zoot.

#398
-But come. -Please, in Gods name, show me the Grail.

#399
You have suffered much. You are delirious.

#400
-Look, I have seen it. It is here. -Sir Galahad!

#401
You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality.

#402
I'm afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet, compared to yours.

#403
We’re eight score blondes and brunettes, all between 16 and 19 and a half,

#404
cut off in this castle, with no one to protect us.

#405
It is a lonely Iife.

#406
Bathing, dressing, undressing, making exciting underwear.

#407
We are just not used to handsome knights.

#408
Nay. Come. You may lie here.

#409
-But you are wounded! -No, it’s nothing!

#410
You must see the doctors immediately. Please, lie down.

#411
-Well, what seems to be the trouble? -They’re doctors?

#412
They have a basic medical training.

#413
Come, come, you must try to rest.

#414
Dr. Piglet! Dr. Winston! Practice your art.

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