Home » Blazing Saddles (1974) » S01E01 — Blazing Saddles (1974)

Blazing Saddles (1974)

Season 1, Episode 1 — Blazing Saddles (1974)

#1
Come on, boys!

#2
The way you're lollygagging around here with them picks and them shovels...

#3
...you'd think it was 120°...

#4
It can't be more than 114.

#5
Dock that Chink a day's pay for napping on the job.

#6
Now, come on, boys, where's your spirit? I don't hear no singing.

#7
When you were slaves, you sang like birds.

#8
Go on. How about a good old nigger work song?

#9
"I get no kick from champagne.

#10
"Mere alcohol doesn't thrill me at all.

#11
"So tell me why should it be true...

#12
"...that I get a belt out of you?

#13
"Some get a kick from cocaine."

#14
What the hell is that shit?

#15
I meant a song. A real song.

#16
Something like...

#17
"Swing low, sweet chariot..."

#18
Swing low? Sweet chariot?

#19
Don't know that one, huh?

#20
How about "De Camp Town Ladies"?

#21
"De Camp Town Ladies"?

#22
Ah, you know.

#23
"De Camp Town Ladies sing this song, doo-dah, doo-dah.

#24
"De Camp Town race track five miles long, all the doo-dah day!

#25
"Gonna run all night, gonna run all day.

#26
"Bet my money on the bobtailed nag, somebody bet on the bay!"

#27
What in the wide, wide world of sports is going on here?

#28
I hired you people to try to get a little track laid...

#29
...not to jump around like a bunch of Kansas City faggots!

#30
Sorry, Mr. Taggart. I, I guess we kind of got caught up.

#31
Dummy, the surveyors say they may have run into some quicksand up ahead.

#32
Better check it out.

#33
Okay, I'll send down a team of horses to check out the ground.

#34
Horses! We can't afford to lose any horses, you dummy!

#35
Send over a couple of niggers.

#36
You and you.

#37
Sir, he specifically requested two niggers...

#38
...but to tell a family secret, my grandmother was Dutch.

#39
Get on that hand car and take it down to the end of that line!

#40
Just trying to help you out.

#41
I didn't know your grandma was Dutch!

#42
"Oh, de Camp Town Ladies sing this song, doo-dah, doo-dah.

#43
"Camp Town race track five miles long, oh, doo-dah day.

#44
"Going to run all night, going to run all day.

#45
"I waged my money on the bobtail nag, somebody bet on the bay!"

#46
Am I wrong...

#47
...or is the world rising?

#48
I don't know, but whatever it is, I hate it.

#49
Let me ask you something.

#50
What is it that's not exactly water, and it's not exactly earth?

#51
Quicksand!

#52
Oh, shit, quicksand!

#53
Goddang, now we are in trouble!

#54
They're in trouble!

#55
Get your rope there. Get over there quick.

#56
Dang, that was lucky.

#57
Doggone near lost a $400 hand cart.

#58
Yeah, we can take it right off to the, just a little bit to the left of that hill.

#59
But we're going to die, Bart. They're going to leave us here to die!

#60
Take it easy, Charlie. My foot is on the rail.

#61
Then maybe down that canyon. I think it's pretty level off there.

#62
We can't swing back to the right 'cause of that hill there.

#63
That looks like the way we'll have to go from here.

#64
Yes, we'll put her right down through there over that ridge.

#65
Well, boys, the break is over.

#66
Don't just lay there getting a suntan.

#67
Won't do you any good, anyhow!

#68
Take that shovel and put her to some good use!

#69
What?

#70
Don't do that now!

#71
I have to.

#72
Send a wire to the main office and tell them I said... OW!

#73
Send wire, main office, tell them I said, "Ow". Gotcha.

#74
And right here, Mr. Lamarr, is where we ran into quicksand.

#75
Quicksand. Splendid.

#76
And so the railroad has got to go through Rock Ridge.

#77
Rock Ridge. Rock Ridge. Splendid.

#78
Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

#79
Rock Ridge. Rock Ridge.

#80
Be still, Taggart. Be still.

#81
My mind is aglow with whirling, transient nodes of thought...

#82
...careening through a cosmic vapor of invention.

#83
Ditto!

#84
Ditto? Ditto, you provincial putz!

#85
I'm sorry, sir.

#86
A plan. We need a plan.

#87
What in the hell was that?

#88
We can't hear ourselves think!

#89
Sorry, your Worship, but I've got two men home sick with the flu...

#90
...and it's utter chaos down here.

#91
I'll try to keep it as quiet as possible.

#92
But as you can see...

#93
...this one is a doozey.

#94
Yes, the Doctor Gillespie killings. Well, do your best.

#95
Now, let's see. Where were we?

#96
Rock Ridge.

#97
Yes, when that railroad goes through Rock Ridge...

#98
...that land will be worth millions, and I want it!

#99
I want that land so badly, I can taste it.

#100
There must be a way.

#101
Clumsy fool!

#102
Wait a minute! There might be a legal precedent.

#103
Of course! Land-snatching!

#104
Land. La-land. "See 'Snatch'."

#105
Haley vs. United States. Haley, seven. United States, nothing.

#106
You see, it can be done. It can be done.

#107
Unfortunately, there is one thing that stands between me and that property.

#108
The rightful owners.

#109
There must be some way of scaring them off, driving them out.

#110
Getting rid of every human being alive in that...

#111
It's down the hall and to the left.

#112
I've got it!

#113
What? What?

#114
I know how we can run everybody out of Rock Ridge.

#115
We'll kill the first-born male child in every household!

#116
Too Jewish.

#117
We'll work up a Number Six on them!

#118
I'm afraid I'm not familiar with that one.

#119
That's where we go riding into town...

#120
...and a-whapping and a-whooping every living thing...

#121
...that moves within an inch of its life!

#122
Except the women folks, of course.

#123
You spare the women?

#124
No, we rape the shit out of them at the Number Six dance later on!

#125
That's marvelous! That's so creative!

#126
Why, Taggart, you've been hurt!

#127
That uppity nigger hit me on the head with a shovel.

#128
I'd sure appreciate it, sir, if you could find it in your heart...

#129
...to hang him up by his neck until he was dead.

#130
Got him locked up downstairs.

#131
Consider it done, stout fellow.

#132
I've got a special. When can you work him in?

#133
I couldn't possibly fit him in until Monday, sir. I'm booked solid.

#134
Monday. Splendid.

#135
Thank you, sir. And don't you worry.

#136
We'll make Rock Ridge think it's a chicken...

#137
...that got caught in a tractor's nuts!

#138
It's all right, Taggart. Just a man and a horse being hung out there.

#139
"There was a peaceful town called Rock Ridge,

#140
"...where people lived in harmony.

#141
"They never had no kind of trouble.

#142
"There was no hint of misery.

#143
"The town saloon was always lively...

#144
"...but never nasty or obscene.

#145
"Behind the bar stood Anal Johnson.

#146
"He always kept things nice and clean!

#147
"And all at once the trouble started.

#148
"A pack of murderers and thieves...

#149
"...like swarms of locusts they descended...

#150
"...their aim to make the townsfolk flee."

#151
Well, that's the end of this suit!

#152
Have you ever seen such cruelty?

#153
"Now is a time of great decision.

#154
"Are we to stay or up and quit?

#155
"There's no avoiding this conclusion.

#156
"Our town is turning into shit!"

#157
Well, I don't have to tell you good folks...

#158
...what has been happening here in our beloved town.

#159
Sheriff murdered, crops burned...

#160
...stores looted, people stampeded...

#161
...and cattle raped!

#162
Now the time has come to act. And act fast!

#163
I'm leaving.

#164
You get back here, you old pious, candy-ass sidewinder!

#165
There ain't no way that nobody is going to leave this town!

#166
Hell, I was born here and I was raised here...

#167
...and goddamn it, I'm going to die here!

#168
And no sidewinder, bushwhacking, hornswoggling...

#169
...cracker croaker, is going to ruin my biscuit-cutter!

#170
Now who can argue with that?

#171
I think we're all indebted to Gabby Johnson...

#172
...for clearly stating what needed to be said.

#173
I'm particularly glad that these lovely children...

#174
...were here today to hear that speech.

#175
Not only was it authentic frontier gibberish...

#176
...it expressed a courage little seen in this day and age!

#177
What are we made of?

#178
Our fathers came across the prairie...

#179
...fought Indians, fought drought, fought locusts, fought Dix!

#180
Remember when Richard Dix came in here and tried to take over this town?

#181
Well, we didn't give up then...

#182
...and by gum, we're not going to give up now!

#183
Olson Johnson is right!

#184
What kind of people are we, anyhow? I say we stay and fight it out!

#185
Dr. Samuel Johnson is right about Olson Johnson's being right.

#186
And I'm not giving up my ice cream parlor...

#187
...that I built with these two hands for nothing or nobody!

#188
Howard Johnson is right!

#189
Well, if we're going to stay, and I think it's a big mistake...

#190
...we're going to need a new sheriff. Now, who is it going to be?

#191
Why don't we wire the governor to send us a sheriff?

#192
Why should we get our own men killed?

#193
Howard Johnson is right. We'll wire the governor.

#194
Then let us pray for the deliverance of our new sheriff.

#195
Will the congregation please rise?

#196
I shall now read from the books of Matthew, Mark, Luke...

#197
...and duck!

#198
We've got to do something at once!

#199
Governor, may I disturb you for a moment, sir?

#200
If you will just sign this, governor. Right here.

#201
Yes, what the hell is it?

#202
Well, under the provisions of this bill...

#203
...we would snatch 200,000 acres of Indian territory...

#204
...which we have deemed unsafe for their use at this time.

#205
They're such children.

#206
200,000 acres! 200,000 acres!

#207
What will it cost, man? What will it cost?

#208
A box of these.

#209
Are you crazy? They'll never go for it, and then again they might.

#210
The little red devils, they love toys. May I try one?

#211
These things are defective.

#212
Right as usual, sir.

#213
Show-off!

#214
Just sign this, sir. Right here.

#215
Okay, give us a hand here.

#216
Work, work, work.

#217
Hello, boys, have a good night's rest? I missed you.

#218
Just one more bill for you to sign, sir.

#219
What is this?

#220
This is the bill that will convert the State Hospital for the Insane...

#221
...into the William J. Le Petomane Memorial Gambling Casino for the Insane.

#222
Gentlemen, this...

#223
...this bill will be a giant step forward...

#224
...in the treatment of the insane gambler.

#225
Yes, bravo! Beautiful.

#226
Thank you, Hedy. Thank you.

#227
It's not Hedy. It's Hedley. Hedley Lamarr.

#228
What the hell are you worried about?

#229
This is 1874. You'll be able to sue her.

#230
All right, help me in with this.

#231
Just, ah, think of your secretary.

#232
Ah, that was a very good suggestion.

#233
Okay, is that it? Anything else?

#234
Just this urgent telegram from Rock Ridge.

#235
It arrived last Friday.

#236
Read it, read it.

#237
"Sheriff murdered. Church meeting bombed. Reign of terror must cease.

#238
"Send new sheriff immediately."

#239
Holy underwear!

#240
Sheriff murdered. Innocent women and children blown to bits!

#241
We've got to protect our phony-baloney jobs, gentlemen.

#242
We must do something about this immediately, immediately, immediately!

#243
I didn't get a "hrumph" out of that guy!

#244
Give the governor a "hrumph."

#245
You watch your ass.

#246
Gentlemen, please, rest your sphincters.

#247
Well put.

#248
As Attorney General, I can assure you...

#249
...that a suitable sheriff will be found to restore the peace in Rock Ridge.

#250
Meeting is adjourned.

#251
Oh, I am sorry, sir. I didn't mean to overstep my bounds. You say that.

#252
What?

#253
- Meeting is adjourned. - It is?

#254
No. You say that, governor.

#255
- What? - Meeting is adjourned.

#256
It is?

#257
Here, play around with this for a while. They are sweeping the country.

#258
Why don't you give these out to some of the boys...

#259
...in lieu of pay? Here you go.

#260
And one for Miss Stein, my beloved secretary.

#261
Play with these, boys, in lieu of the other things.

#262
This friggin' thing is warped.

#263
Why do I always get a warped one?

#264
A sheriff! But law and order is the last thing I want.

#265
Wait a minute. Maybe I could turn this thing to my advantage.

#266
If I could find a sheriff who so offends the citizens of Rock Ridge...

#267
...that his very appearance would drive them out of town...

#268
But where would I find such a man?

#269
Why am I asking you?

#270
Welcome to Hanging House. Not to worry...

#271
...everyone is equal in my eye.

#272
Oh, not my ear!

#273
Governor!

#274
Official business, sir.

#275
Is it important?

#276
It's very crucial.

#277
Be with you in a minute.

#278
Throw something on and stay in that position.

#279
Forgive me, I was just, ah, walking the parapet, taking a look around.

#280
What can I do for you?

#281
Governor, as per your instructions...

#282
...I'd like you to meet the new sheriff of Rock Ridge.

#283
I'd be delighted... Wow!

#284
I've got to talk to you. Come here. Have you gone berserk?

#285
Can't you see that man is a nig...

#286
Wrong person. Forgive me. No offense intended.

#287
Have you gone berserk? Can't you see that man is a nig?

#288
Don't worry, sir.

#289
Now, Hedley, I've always trusted your judgment before...

#290
...but haven't you taken a giant leap away from your good senses?

#291
Please, don't fly off the handle, sir.

#292
I'm about to make you an historic figure.

#293
Maybe even get you a cabinet post.

#294
A cabinet post!

#295
Did you say that?

#296
Wonderful!

#297
Yes, the first man ever to appoint a black sheriff! Just think, sir...

#298
...Washington, Jefferson...

#299
...Lincoln.

#300
Le Petomane!

#301
Sir, you have the seeds of greatness in you.

#302
Nurse them, caress them, pour water on them.

#303
Don't short-change yourself, sir.

#304
It will never work. They'll kill him dead in one day!

#305
One day is all we'll need to secure your name in the annals of Western history.

#306
And to get for you a nomination for, dare I say?

#307
Dare, dare!

#308
The Presidency!

#309
Hail to the Chief! Hail to the Chief!

#310
"Four score and seven years ago...

#311
"...our forefathers brought forth on this..."

#312
Are you coming back?

#313
In a moment, dear.

#314
Gentlemen, affairs of state must take precedent over the affairs of state.

#315
Yes, of course, sir, we understand.

#316
Will you make all the arrangements?

#317
I will make all the arrangements.

#318
Especially the funeral.

#319
Good luck, good luck, boys. Wonderful working with you. Good luck!

#320
Hurry up, get those flags up. He'll be here soon.

#321
I just got a telegram from the governor's office.

#322
The sheriff will be here at noon!

#323
Noon! I'd better rehearse my speech!

#324
"As Honorary Chairman of the Welcoming Committee...

#325
"...it is my privilege to extend to you a laurel and hearty handshake!"

#326
Wonderful!

#327
Excellent!

#328
Can you see him yet?

#329
The sheriff is coming!

#330
Ring out the church bell!

#331
Hey, the sheriff is a n...

#332
What did he say?

#333
The sheriff is near!

#334
No, no, dag blame it, gol darn it, the sheriff is a n...

#335
As Chairman of the Welcoming Committee...

#336
...it is my privilege to extend a laurel and hearty handshake to our new...

#337
...nigger.

#338
Excuse me while I whip this out.

#339
"By the power vested in me by...

#340
"...the Honorable William J. Le Petomane...

#341
"...I hereby assume the duties...

#342
"...of the Office of Sheriff in and for the Township of Rock Ridge."

#343
Gentlemen, let us not allow anger to rule the day.

#344
As your spiritual leader, I implore you...

#345
...to pay heed to this good book and what it has to say.

#346
Son, you're on your own!

#347
Hold it!

#348
The next man makes a move, the nigger gets it!

#349
Hold it, men. He's not bluffing.

#350
Listen to him, men. He's just crazy enough to do it.

#351
Drop it! Or I swear I'll blow this nigger's head all over this town!

#352
Oh, Lordy, Lord, he's desperate! Do what he say! Do what he say!

#353
Isn't anybody going to help that poor man?

#354
Hush, Harriet. That's a sure way to get him killed.

#355
Help me, help me...

#356
...somebody help me!

#357
Shut up!

#358
Oh, baby, you are so talented.

#359
And they are so dumb!

#360
Goddamn it!

#361
I said, "Order"!

#362
You know, Nietzsche says, "Out of chaos comes order."

#363
Oh, blow it out your ass, Howard!

#364
Now everyone be quiet...

#365
...whilst we listen to Harriet van Johnson, our esteemed schoolmarm...

#366
...as she reads a telegram that she herself has composed to the governor...

#367
...expressing our feelings about the new sheriff.

#368
"To the Honorable William J. Le Petomane, Governor."

#369
Louder! Speak up! We can't hear you!

#370
I'm not used to public speaking.

#371
"We, the white, God-fearing citizens of Rock Ridge...

#372
"...wish to express our extreme displeasure...

#373
"...with your choice of sheriff.

#374
"Please remove him immediately.

#375
"The fact that you have sent him here..."

#376
"...just goes to prove that you are the leading asshole in the state."

#377
The drunk in number two must be awake.

#378
Are we awake?

#379
We're not sure.

#380
Are we black?

#381
Yes, we are.

#382
Then we're awake. But we're very puzzled.

#383
I think I better straighten myself out.

#384
Need any help?

#385
All I can get.

#386
That's okay. Sit down over here.

#387
Hey, maybe you should eat something first.

#388
No, thanks. Food makes me sick.

#389
A man drinks like that and doesn't eat, he is going to die.

#390
When?

#391
What's your name?

#392
Well, my name is Jim, but most people call me...

#393
...Jim.

#394
Okay, Jim, since you are my guest and I am your host...

#395
...what is your pleasure? What do you like to do?

#396
Oh, I don't know. Play chess...

#397
...screw.

#398
Well, let's play chess.

#399
Checkmate.

#400
Checkmate.

#401
Why, you devious son-of-a-bitch!

#402
Happy days!

#403
Man, why do you do that to yourself?

#404
Oh, you don't really want to know that.

#405
I do, I do!

#406
Well, if you must pry.

#407
I must, I must!

#408
I don't know if you ever heard of me before, but...

#409
...I used to be called the Waco Kid.

#410
The Waco Kid. He had the fastest hands in the West!

#411
In the world!

#412
Well, if you're the Kid, then show me something.

#413
Maybe a couple of years ago I could have shown you something, but today...

#414
...look at that.

#415
Steady as a rock.

#416
Yes, but I shoot with this hand.

#417
See, I knew you weren't the Waco Kid. You were just pulling my lariat.

#418
See that king?

#419
Put your hands on both sides of it.

#420
Now when I say, "go," you try to grab it first.

#421
Man, that's no contest. You're a mile away.

#422
Anyway, when you hear the word "go," you just try to grab it.

#423
Ready?

#424
You looking for this?

#425
Well, raise my rent! You are the Kid!

#426
Was. Yeah, I was the Kid.

#427
What happened?

#428
Well, it got so that every piss-ant prairie punk...

#429
...who thought he could shoot a gun...

#430
...would ride into town to try out the Waco Kid.

#431
I must have killed more men than Cecil B. DeMille.

#432
It got pretty gritty.

#433
I started to hear the word "draw" in my sleep.

#434
Then one day...

#435
...I was just walking down the street and I heard a voice behind me say...

#436
..."Reach for it, mister!" I spun around.

#437
And there I was face to face...

#438
...with a 6-year-old kid!

#439
Well, I just threw my guns down and walked away.

#440
The little bastard shot me in the ass!

#441
So I limped to the nearest saloon, crawled inside a whiskey bottle...

#442
...and I've been there ever since.

#443
Have a drink.

#444
Anyway, that's all ancient history. Now you tell me your story.

#445
What's a dazzling urbanite like you doing in a rustic setting like this?

#446
If you really must pry.

#447
I must, I must!

#448
Well, back in '56...

#449
...my folks and I were part of this long wagon train...

#450
...moving West.

#451
Well, not exactly part of it.

#452
You might say we were bringing up the rear, when suddenly,

#453
...from out of the West, came the entire Sioux Nation!

#454
And let me tell you, baby, they were open for business!

#455
Naturally, the white folks didn't let us travel in their circle...

#456
...so we made our own.

#457
Shvartzes?

#458
Luzem gayen!

#459
Cop a walk. It's all right.

#460
Thank you.

#461
Abi gezunt. Take off.

#462
They're darker than us!

#463
And the rest is history.

#464
Impressed?

#465
Always like to keep my audience riveted.

#466
How about some more beans, Mr. Taggart?

#467
I'd say you've had enough!

#468
I understand there's a new sheriff in town. Who wants to kill him?

#469
Why don't we give him to Mongo?

#470
Holy shit, that's too cruel!

#471
I'll be danged! That is a unique idea!

#472
Down, boy, down, boy, down, Mongo!

#473
Hey, it's me. Taggart.

#474
Here, smell. Smell.

#475
That's a good Mongo.

#476
Hey, how about it? How would you like to mutilate that new sheriff?

#477
Have a cigar.

#478
Oh, by the way, I got a note this morning.

#479
From who?

#480
Well, I'm not sure. It was addressed to the Deputy Spade.

#481
Well, once I establish myself in this town...

#482
...Deputy Spade might turn out to be a groovy position.

#483
Listen, Bart, I want you to do me a favor.

#484
I don't want you going out there this morning.

#485
You can't win these people over, no matter what you do.

#486
They're just not going to accept you.

#487
I'm glad those fingers ain't loaded!

#488
Just like old times.

#489
Like I told you, once you establish yourself, they've got to accept you.

#490
Catch you later.

#491
Good luck.

#492
Ah, good morning, ma'am.

#493
And isn't it a lovely morning?

#494
Up yours, nigger!

#495
What did you expect? "Welcome, sonny."

#496
"Make yourself at home."

#497
"Marry my daughter." You've got to remember these are just simple farmers.

#498
These are people of the land.

#499
The common clay of the new West.

#500
You know.

#501
Morons!

#502
What the hell is that?

#503
Mongo! Santa María!

#504
I believe in it. And if any one of you...

#505
...friends and neighbors, kind of gather around and...

#506
Holy shit!

#507
And they say that now in Paris, France, even as we speak...

#508
...Louis Pasteur has devised a new vaccine...

#509
...that will obliterate anthrax once and for all.

#510
Hey, you can't park that animal over there!

#511
It's illegal.

#512
Think of it, gentlemen. Hoof-and- mouth disease a thing of the past!

#513
Never mind that shit, here comes Mongo!

#514
I don't know what it is.

#515
Sheriff, Mongo's back! He's breaking up the whole town!

#516
You've got to help us, please!

#517
Did you hear that? Now it's "please."

#518
This morning I couldn't get the time of day. Who is this Mongo, anyway?

#519
Well, Mongo ain't exactly a "who." He's more of a "what."

#520
What he said.

#521
Well, I don't know...

#522
Oh, thank you very much!

#523
The fool's going to...

#524
I mean, the sheriff's going to do it.

#525
No, no, don't do that! If you shoot him, you'll just make him mad.

#526
Candygram for Mongo!

#527
Me, Mongo.

#528
Sign, please.

#529
Mongo like candy.

#530
A little further down, to the right.

#531
I thought sure that Mongo would mash him up...

#532
...into little bitty sheriff meatballs.

#533
I just don't understand it.

#534
Be still, Taggart.

#535
My mind is a raging torrent...

#536
...flooded with rivulets of thought...

#537
...cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives.

#538
Gol darn it, Mr. Lamarr...

#539
...you use your tongue prettier than a $20 whore.

#540
Wait a minute, that's it!

#541
And it will work!

#542
You bet it will! What will work?

#543
Elementary, cactus-head!

#544
The beast has failed.

#545
And when the beast fails, it's time to call in beauty.

#546
Beauty?

#547
She's never failed me before. She'll turn him into jelly!

#548
She'll bring him to his knees!

#549
Where's my froggie? Where's my froggie?

#550
I don't know. I didn't see it when I came in.

#551
Damn your eyes, look for it!

#552
Oh, there it is.

#553
That was a close one! Daddy loves Froggie. Froggie love Daddy?

#554
I don't know how you did it.

#555
He was nothing.

#556
The bitch was inventing the candygram.

#557
They probably won't give me credit for it.

#558
Good evening, sheriff.

#559
Sorry about the "Up yours, nigger."

#560
I hope this apple pie will in some small way say thank you for your...

#561
...ingenuity and courage in defeating that horrible Mongo.

#562
Thank you. Much obliged. Good night.

#563
Of course, you'll have the good taste not to mention that I spoke to you.

#564
I'm rapidly becoming a big underground success in this town.

#565
See, in another 25 years you'll be able to shake their hands in broad daylight.

#566
Well, I'm not going to hold my breath for it.

#567
Come on, I don't want to be late. Lili von Shtupp is opening tonight.

#568
Lili von who?

#569
Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome. Come on in.

#570
It's Hedley. For you, my dear.

#571
Oh, how ordinary.

#572
Oh, Lili, Lili, Lili, legs, Lili, Lili!

#573
I can't find the words to truly express my joy...

#574
...at the rekindling of our association.

#575
Bullshit, what's the job?

#576
I love it when you talk dirty.

#577
Come on, Lamarr, let's get down to bwass tacks.

#578
What do you want me to do?

#579
I want you to seduce and abandon the sheriff of Rock Ridge.

#580
You think you can do it?

#581
Is Bismark a hewwing?

#582
Oh, Lili, you're magnificent! Kiss me!

#583
And now, folks, the gal you've all been waiting for...

#584
...the Bavarian Bombshell herself! Let's hear it for Lili von Shtupp!

#585
"Here I stand, the goddess of desire...

#586
"...set men on fire. I have this power.

#587
"Morning, noon and night, it's drink and dancing...

#588
"...some quick romancing, and then a shower.

#589
"Stage door Johnnies constantly surround me...

#590
"...they always hound me with one request.

#591
"Who can satisfy their lustful habit?

#592
"I'm not a rabbit. I need some rest.

#593
"I'm tired...

#594
"...sick and tired of love...

#595
"I've had my fill of love...

#596
"...from below and above.

#597
"Tired, tired of being admired...

#598
"...tired of love uninspired.

#599
"Let's face it, I'm tired.

#600
"I've been with thousands of men again and again.

#601
"They promise the moon.

#602
"They're always coming and going and going and coming...

#603
"...and always too soon."

#604
Right, girls?

#605
"I'm tired. Tired of playing the game.

#606
"Ain't it a crying shame?

#607
"I'm so tired."

#608
Goddamn it, I'm exhausted!

#609
Hello, cowboy, what's your name?

#610
"Tex ma'am"? Tell me, Tex ma'am...

#611
...are you in show business?

#612
Nope.

#613
Well, then, why don't you get your friggin' feet off the stage?

#614
Hello, handsome. Is that a 10-gallon hat, or are you just enjoying the show?

#615
Oh, Miss Lili, oh, my lovely lady!

#616
"Tired of playing the game.

#617
"Ain't it a crying shame...

#618
"...I'm so tired.

#619
"She's tired.

#620
"Sick and tired of love. Give her a break.

#621
"She's had her fill of love. She's not a snake!

#622
"From below and above. Can't you see she's sick?

#623
"She's bushed.

#624
"Tired of being admired. Let her alone.

#625
"Tired of love uninspired.

#626
"Don't you know she's pooped?

#627
"I've been with thousands of men again and again.

#628
"They sing the same tune!

#629
"They start with Byron and Shelley...

#630
"...then jump on your belly, and bust your balloon.

#631
"Tired of playing the game.

#632
"Ain't it a friggin' shame?

#633
"I'm so..."

#634
Let's face it. Everything below the waist is kaput!

#635
What does it say?

#636
"I must see you alone in my dwessing woom right after the show."

#637
Wie gehts, meine schatzie?

#638
Faw out!

#639
A wed wose. How womantic!

#640
Have a seat, shewiff.

#641
Won't you excuse me for a moment...

#642
...while I slip into something a little bit more comfortable?

#643
Bitte, baby.

#644
Why don't you loosen your bullets?

#645
Ahh, I feel wefweshed!

#646
Isn't it bwight in here?

#647
There! Isn't that better?

#648
Pardon me, I'll be back in a moment.

#649
How is it going?

#650
He's like wet sauerkraut in my hands. By morning he will be my slave.

#651
Splendid.

#652
Oh, just let me have a little feel.

#653
Where were we? Where are you?

#654
Let me sit down next to you.

#655
Tell me, schatzie...

#656
...is it, ah, twu what they say about the way you people are gifted?

#657
Oh, it's twu, it's twu!

#658
Vill you care for another schnitzengruben?

#659
No, thank you. Fifteen is my limit on schnitzengruben.

#660
Well, then, how about a little?

#661
Baby, please, I am not from Havana.

#662
Excuse me, honey...

#663
...besides, I'm late for work. I've got some heavy chores to do.

#664
Vill I, vill I see you later?

#665
That all depends on how much Vitamin E I can get my hands on.

#666
Nein, nein, achtung!

#667
No, no, you mustn't go! I need you!

#668
I never met nobody like you! I can't live without you!

#669
Please, you're making a German spectacle of yourself.

#670
Auf wiedersehen, baby.

#671
Oh, what a nice guy.

#672
Oh, deary, dear. Look what the cat dragged in.

#673
What's happening in the clean world?

#674
Bad news.

#675
I've got a writ here for Mongo's release signed by Hedley Lamarr himself.

#676
Why would a dude like Hedley Lamarr care about Mongo?

#677
It's legal.

#678
Oh, those schnitzengrubens can wipe you out!

#679
Wake up time!

#680
Okay, Mongo. You're free to go.

#681
Mongo no go.

#682
Oh, come on, Mongo. You're a free man.

#683
Mongo stay with Sheriff Bart. Sheriff first man ever whip Mongo.

#684
Mongo impressed, have deep feelings for Sheriff Bart.

#685
Oh, you better watch out, big fella.

#686
I think Mongo's taken a little fancy to you.

#687
Mongo straight.

#688
Maybe you know why a high-roller...

#689
...like Hedley Lamarr is interested in Rock Ridge.

#690
Don't know. Got to do with where choo-choo go.

#691
Mongo, why would Hedley Lamarr care about where the choo-choo goes?

#692
Don't know.

#693
Mongo only pawn in game of life.

#694
I think this might be a good time to mosey out...

#695
...to where they're building the railroad...

#696
...and maybe do a little snooping.

#697
Damn, damn, damn!

#698
Hey, how are you doing Bart? Get down off that horse!

#699
Oh, you shifty nigger! They said you were hung!

#700
And they were right!

#701
Look at that star, hoo-ee! Civil service!

#702
Wait. Back off, scamp.

#703
You are addressing the duly appointed sheriff of Rock Ridge.

#704
Rock Ridge? Hey, the railroad is going through there!

#705
Back up off your brother! Don't mess up your brother!

#706
Holy mother of pearl!

#707
It's that nigger that hit me on the head with the shovel!

#708
Now what the hell do you think you're doing with that tin star, boy?

#709
Watch that "boy" shit, redneck! You're talking to the sheriff of Rock Ridge.

#710
Well, now if that don't beat all!

#711
Here we take the good time and trouble...

#712
...to slaughter every last Indian in the West, and for what?

#713
So they can appoint a sheriff that's blacker than any Indian!

#714
I am depressed.

#715
Excuse me, Mr. Taggart, sir, but I sure do hate to see you like this.

#716
What if me and the boys were to shoot that nigger dead?

#717
Would that pep you up some?

#718
Well, it might help.

#719
All right, boys. On the count of three.

#720
I wouldn't do that if I were you.

#721
Don't pay no attention to that alky.

#722
He can't even hold a gun, much less shoot it.

#723
Like I said. On the count of three.

#724
One...

#725
...two...

#726
...three!

#727
Well, just don't sit there looking stupid, grasping your hands in pain.

#728
How about a little applause for the Waco Kid?

#729
All right, I'm through being Mr. Goodbar!

#730
The time has come to act and act quickly!

#731
All my plans have backfired!

#732
Instead of the people leaving, they're staying in droves!

#733
Vhy don't you admit it? He's too much of man for you. I know.

#734
You going to need an army to beat him!

#735
You're finished.

#736
Fertig! Fahrblunged! Fahrcocked!

#737
Shut up! You Teutonic twat!

#738
I must think.

#739
Wait a minute. She said army. Of course!

#740
An army of the worst dregs ever to soil the face of the West!

#741
I've decided to launch an attack that will reduce Rock Ridge to ashes!

#742
What do you want me to do, sir?

#743
I want you to round up every vicious criminal and gunslinger in the West.

#744
Take this down.

#745
I want rustlers, cutthroats, murderers, bounty hunters...

#746
...desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, half-wits, dimwits...

#747
...vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits...

#748
...muggers, buggerers, bushwackers, hornswagglers...

#749
...horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass kickers...

#750
...shit kickers and Methodists!

#751
Could you repeat that, sir?

#752
Where's everybody going?

#753
Read this.

#754
Well, can't you see that's the last act of a desperate man?

#755
We don't care if it's the First Act of Henry the Fifth! We're leaving!

#756
Now, wait a minute! Wait just one doggoned minute!

#757
Just give me 24 hours to come up with a brilliant idea to save our town.

#758
Just 24 hours, that's all I ask.

#759
No!

#760
You'd do it for Randolph Scott.

#761
All right, sheriff. 24 hours.

#762
Next!

#763
Qualifications?

#764
Rape, murder, arson and rape.

#765
You said rape twice.

#766
I like rape.

#767
Charming. Sign right here.

#768
Take that badge.

#769
Qualifications?

#770
Arson, armed robbery, mayhem.

#771
Wait a moment. What have you got in your mouth?

#772
Nothing, eh? Lyle.

#773
Gum!

#774
Chewing gum on line, eh?

#775
I hope you brought enough for everybody.

#776
I didn't know there was going to be so many.

#777
Boy, is he strict!

#778
We've got to get in there close and find out what's happening.

#779
There's our ticket!

#780
Hey, boys!

#781
Look what I've got there!

#782
Hey, where are the white women at?

#783
Man, that was pretty! I liked that.

#784
Be ready to attack Rock Ridge at noon tomorrow. Here's your badge.

#785
We don't need no stinkin' badges!

#786
Next!

#787
Qualifications?

#788
Stampeding cattle.

#789
That's not much of a crime.

#790
Through the Vatican!

#791
Kinky!

#792
Why, Rhett, how many times have I told you...

#793
...to wash up after weekly cross-burning?

#794
See, it's coming off.

#795
And now, for my next impression, Jesse Owens!

#796
Catch them!

#797
Hold up, men, we'll head them off at the pass!

#798
Head them off at the pass? I hate that cliché!

#799
Say, "hello."

#800
Hello.

#801
Listen to me, and listen to me good.

#802
I want you to get all the brothers together...

#803
...round up all the lumber, canvas, paint and nails you can lay your hands on...

#804
...and meet me tonight 3 miles due east of Rock Ridge at midnight.

#805
You understand?

#806
Say, "goodbye."

#807
Thanks a lot, brother.

#808
All right, folks, I know you're a bit confused wondering what you're doing...

#809
...out in the middle of the prairie in the middle of the night.

#810
You bet your ass!

#811
I'm hip.

#812
Now, before the sun comes up...

#813
...we're going to build on this sight an exact replica of the town of Rock Ridge.

#814
Every building, every storefront, every rock and every tree...

#815
...right down to the orange roof on Howard Johnson's outhouse.

#816
I get it!

#817
And tomorrow when Hedley Lamarr and his men come riding in...

#818
...to destroy the real Rock Ridge...

#819
...they'll actually be destroying the fake Rock Ridge!

#820
But they'll think it's the real Rock Ridge!

#821
But we'll know it's the fake Rock Ridge!

#822
How're we going to do it? We don't have the time nor the people.

#823
Wrong! There's why.

#824
Who the hell are they?

#825
Railroad workers. They've agreed to help us make our dream come true.

#826
And all they ask in return is a little plot of land...

#827
...they can call their own to homestead.

#828
What do you say?

#829
We'll give some land to the niggers and the chinks...

#830
...but we don't want the Irish!

#831
No deal.

#832
Ah, prairie shit! Everybody!

#833
Oh, Lord...

#834
...do we have the strength to carry on this mighty task in one night?

#835
Or are we just jerking off?

#836
Okay, okay, we have done it. Now, let's see what we have done.

#837
Men, you are about to embark on a great crusade...

#838
...to stamp out runaway decency in the West.

#839
Now you will only be risking your lives...

#840
...whilst I will be risking an almost certain Academy Award nomination...

#841
...for Best Supporting Actor.

#842
Now raise your right hand for the pledge.

#843
Right!

#844
And repeat after me. I...

#845
...your name...

#846
...your name...

#847
Schmucks! ...pledge allegiance...

#848
...pledge allegiance...

#849
...to Hedley Lamarr...

#850
...to Hedy Lamarr...

#851
That's Hedley!

#852
...that's Hedley...

#853
...and to the evil...

#854
...and to the evil...

#855
...for which he stands!

#856
...for which he stands!

#857
Now go do that voodoo that you do so well!

#858
Hold the happiness. We are in trouble.

#859
Yep! We forgot one little detail.

#860
Nothing is missing. Everything is here, down to the last hitching post.

#861
People. There are no people.

#862
Now don't panic. Don't panic.

#863
We just made a perfect copy of Rock Ridge.

#864
Now all we've got to do is make perfect copies of ourselves.

#865
But they'll be here in half an hour.

#866
Right, so we've got to start working fast.

#867
You men start working on the dummies. Jim and Mongo, come with me.

#868
I've got an idea that will slow them down to a crawl.

#869
All right, let's go!

#870
Yeah, that's nice.

#871
Le Petomane Thruway! Now what will that asshole think of next?

#872
Has anybody got a dime?

#873
Somebody's got to go back and get a shit-load of dimes.

#874
Hurry up. Speed it up or we're never going to get to Rock Ridge!

#875
Come on, move them through!

#876
Well, they're through the tollbooth.

#877
Look at this, they're buying it!

#878
All right, here we go. Hold your ears, folks!

#879
It's show time!

#880
Nothing!

#881
What are we going to do?

#882
Any minute now they're going to discover the town is fake and pull out!

#883
You think you could squeeze off a little shot from here...

#884
...and set off the dynamite down there?

#885
I'll give it a try.

#886
Oh, Lord, keep this man's eye keen...

#887
...and may God grant...

#888
It's a fake!

#889
We've been suckered in!

#890
Okay, folks, let's wipe them out!

#891
Forgive me, Lord!

#892
"Throw out your hands, stick out your tush.

#893
"Hands on your hips, give them a push.

#894
"You'll be surprised, you're doing the French Mistake. Voilà!"

#895
All right, cut!

#896
Wrong!

#897
Just watch me. It's so simple!

#898
You sissy Marys!

#899
Give me the playback. And watch me, faggots!

#900
Have you got it?

#901
Yessssssss.

#902
Sounds like steam escaping!

#903
Action! Okay, wait until I get out.

#904
Cut! What in the hell do you think you're doing here?

#905
This is a closed set!

#906
Piss on you! I'm working for Mel Brooks.

#907
Not in the face!

#908
Thank you.

#909
They've hit Buddy! Come on, girls!

#910
You vulgar shit!

#911
Why, you miserable pansy!

#912
I'm parked over by the commissary.

#913
You brute, you brute, you vicious brute!

#914
All right, all right...

#915
How many days do you have left, Joey?

#916
They lose me right after the bunker scene.

#917
What the hell is that?

#918
Get your pies for the great pie fight!

#919
This is our Studio commissary where some Hollywood stars...

#920
...come to eat. Keep in line.

#921
And now we'll go to the Special Effects Department.

#922
Yankee bean soup, cole slaw and tuna surprise.

#923
Taxi!

#924
Drive me off this picture!

#925
You dropped your beads.

#926
One, please.

#927
Uh, student.

#928
Are you kidding?

#929
Pain in the ass.

#930
Look, Herman, I'm in Hedy Lamarr's shoes!

#931
Hedley!

#932
Freeze it!

#933
Okay, Lamarr, go for your gun.

#934
Wait, wait, I'm unarmed.

#935
All right, we'll settle it like men.

#936
With our fists.

#937
Sorry, I just remembered. I am armed.

#938
How did he do such fantastic stunts with such little feet?

#939
You shot the bad guy!

#940
Well, what do you want to do now?

#941
Come on, let's check out the end of the flick.

#942
I sure hope there's a happy ending. I love a happy ending.

#943
Sheriff, you can't go now. We need you.

#944
My work here is done. I'm needed elsewhere now.

#945
I'm needed wherever outlaws rule the West.

#946
Wherever innocent women and children are afraid to walk the streets.

#947
Wherever a man cannot live in simple dignity.

#948
Wherever people cry out for justice.

#949
Bullshit!

#950
All right, you caught me.

#951
To speak the plain truth, it's getting pretty damn dull around here.

#952
Good luck, Bart, and God bless you.

#953
'Bye, baby brother.

#954
Keep the faith, brothers!

#955
Where are you headed, cowboy?

#956
Nowhere special.

#957
Nowhere special. I always wanted to go there.

#958
Come on!

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