Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S03E01 — The Gang Finds a Dumpster Baby

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 3, Episode 1 — The Gang Finds a Dumpster Baby

#1
DENNIS: Mac, you gotta see this movie, dude.

#2
DEE: Really? I thought it was boring.

#3
Boring? It's about the end of the world, Dee.

#4
"Inconvenient Truth" is not about the end of the world.

#5
It is about how if we don't stop global warming,

#6
we are going to destroy this environment.

#7
- It sounds cool. I'll check it out. - It is. It's awesome.

#8
Dude, come on. What the hell is that?

#9
- What? - Are you kidding me?

#10
- What is the big deal, Dennis? - What's the big deal? Are you nuts?

#11
It's like you see a movie, and now you're crazy about the environment.

#12
I'm sorry, Dee. Maybe I'd actually like to do some good in this world.

#13
Maybe I'd like to make a difference.

#14
- You wanna do good? - You can't do good.

#15
I can do good. I am capable of doing good.

#16
You just screw people over for your own benefit.

#17
You guys are gonna be so angry when you look back and you see

#18
that the world looks at Dennis Reynolds and says,

#19
"Dennis, you are a good person. You are making a di..."

#20
- Holy shit. - What?

#21
There's a baby in this Dumpster.

#22
MAC: What the hell is it doing? - We gotta call somebody.

#23
Who? The police? The mother? I mean, think, Dee.

#24
Somebody put this baby in the trash. We can't put it back in the system.

#25
- It is a terrible system. - It's a horrible system.

#26
It's a throwaway culture, everyone's just lookin' for the easy way out.

#27
You don't wanna carry your Big Gulp anymore? Throw it in the street.

#28
Don't wanna take care of your baby? Throw it in a Dumpster.

#29
I just can't take it.

#30
- Charlie, you're harpin' on it. - Well, I'm sorry.

#31
I'd like to know whether or not I share a bed with my father.

#32
I'm tellin' you, I am not your father.

#33
- Then take a stupid blood test. - I'm not takin' no blood test.

#34
Look, I've had enough of this. I'm not even gonna talk...

#35
- What the hell is that? - It's a baby we found in the trash.

#36
Put it back, it doesn't belong to you.

#37
- We're not gonna put it back. - Well, give it to the cops.

#38
Get it outta here. It's bad for business.

#39
That's great, Frank. Pass the buck. Everybody passin' the buck.

#40
We have to take responsibility for the refuse we're creating.

#41
Oh, my God, dude. Are you still harpin' on that stupid

#42
global heating movie you saw? - "Global warming," Charlie.

#43
Yeah, right. Like the earth is magically getting hotter.

#44
Stop! Clearly this is not the right environment for a child.

#45
I'll take care of the Dumpster baby until we figure out what to do.

#46
- Dee, you're helping me. - What? No, I'm not.

#47
You see what's happening here? Do you see this?

#48
Family values in this country are going down the toilet,

#49
and it's because of people like you. Men and women

#50
raising a child together is a proven system a thousand years old.

#51
There are parental roles that need to be filled here, right?

#52
Otherwise, the kid winds up roaming the streets,

#53
having unprotected sex with multiple partners,

#54
sharing needles and contracting the H.I.V. virus, and it's your fault.

#55
Are you happy, Dee? Is this what you wanted?

#56
You just gave this baby full-blown AIDS.

#57
What the hell are these scrubs doing, dude?

#58
They're activists, Charlie. They're sifting through the trash

#59
looking for recyclable materials. - Recycling. What a waste.

#60
Frank, we are trying to make a difference.

#61
You see? He has no problem not callin' me "Dad".

#62
Uh, hey, man. Where can I get one of those recycle bags?

#63
- Get lost, narc. - Excuse me?

#64
What we're doing is completely legal.

#65
Why don't you just leave us alone?

#66
Oh. No, I'm not a cop, man. I just wanna help out.

#67
(chuckles) Sure you do. I saw you pull up in that Range Rover.

#68
- Is everything okay, Sage? - Everything's fine. I was just...

#69
... explaining to your friend that I want to help you guys out.

#70
Listen, bro. I know your type.

#71
Straight-edge, mainline weekend warrior

#72
comin' down here in your cashmere sweater

#73
with your moussed-up, hair-sprayed coif.

#74
This isn't just a hobby for us.

#75
So why don't you take your phony, suburban, half-assed bullshit...

#76
... someplace else?

#77
I'll take that, hippie.

#78
Hey, Frank! Frank! Fr-Frank!

#79
(shrieks, ululating) Ha-ha!

#80
(battle cries)

#81
Dude, do you believe this thing, man? It's a...

#82
(grunts, spits)

#83
Charlie, Charlie, get down. (yells)

#84
Dude, it's amazing! Look at this.

#85
Bro, you can chop a camel right in the hump

#86
and drink all its milk right off the tip of this thing.

#87
- That is a find, man! - This is an Ali Baba sword, dude.

#88
Come on, you guys. Let's get out of here.

#89
- Dennis. Look at this. - I don't care about that, alright?

#90
You guys are makin' me look like an asshole.

#91
I'm out here tryin' to make a difference,

#92
and you're here rummagin' around the trash like a couple of narcs.

#93
You can't just come down here with your mainline,

#94
cashmere, mousse-coif hair spray

#95
and start bein' like a suburban tool, you can't...

#96
- Are you okay? - Did you even look at this?

#97
I don't know. I think I just got punked out by a couple of hippies.

#98
I gotta do somethin' about this.

#99
(door closes) Goddamn, this Dumpster baby's heavy.

#100
No, it's good for your back.

#101
So we got the diapers and the wipes and the powder.

#102
Shit, this raisin' babies is easy, huh?

#103
I think, first things first, the baby smells like trash, right?

#104
Throw it in the bath. (crying)

#105
- Already with this? - I didn't do it.

#106
I come home to a crying baby?

#107
- No, I didn't do anything. - Jesus Christ.

#108
I'm gonna kick back, grab a beer and watch the Sixers, all right?

#109
You're not gonna help? You wanted me to do this with you.

#110
Would it kill you to go shopping once in a while? We're outta beer.

#111
Oh, we are? No, we're not out of anything, Mac.

#112
- You don't live here. - Wait! One left. Nice.

#113
(quietly) - Great. - If we'll raise this baby together,

#114
t's important we at least try to make it work.

#115
When you're done with the bath, why don't you go get some beer,

#116
and, um, a pack of smokes would be good.

#117
We're not gonna raise anything together. You know why?

#118
I said I would help you hang on to this Dumpster baby

#119
for a couple of days until we figure what to do with it.

#120
Really? You're gonna raise your voice to me right now?

#121
- I'm not raising my voice. - I want a rational conversation.

#122
I feel like you're berating me for absolutely no reason. You know what?

#123
For the sake of the baby, we need some space.

#124
I'm gonna go with the guys, blow off steam.

#125
You're just gonna dump this thing on me and leave?

#126
You gonna guilt me into staying? Okay, I guess I have to stay.

#127
For the sake of Dumpster Baby. But I will tell you what.

#128
I'm not gonna stand here and be berated. I'm going to bed.

#129
(whispering) - My God, I can't... - Charlie?

#130
Would you just please lay there and go to sleep?

#131
I can't sleep. It's impossible. My mind's goin' a mile a minute.

#132
Well, stop thinkin' about it. I'm not your father. Go to sleep.

#133
It's not that. I'm thinkin' about something completely different.

#134
- It's the trash, isn't it? - It's the sweet, sweet trash.

#135
I mean, man, we found some amazing shit out there today.

#136
The kind of shit I didn't think you could find in the trash, you know?

#137
I'm just goin' nuts thinkin' about what else is out there.

#138
Frank, there's ordinary guys just like you and me

#139
goin' through everyone else's trash. People don't appreciate their trash.

#140
Let's go get the flashlights.

#141
So I scale this tree. This is a big tree too, right?

#142
I get to the top of it. I find the nest.

#143
This is baby bluebirds. They're starving to death.

#144
So I regurgitate my lunch, and I nourish the entire flock.

#145
Well, well, well. Check it out, babe.

#146
- The narc is back. - Mmm.

#147
Hey, uh, Sage, I thought about what you said.

#148
I think you were right, man. I was half-assing it.

#149
But I'm not gonna half-ass it anymore.

#150
I'm gonna devote myself completely to the cause.

#151
Look, bro. Just 'cause you come in here with your Birkenstocks

#152
and your Phish T-shirt doesn't mean you're devoted.

#153
(scoffs) Means you're a total poser.

#154
Wow. Um...

#155
Well, you know what, man? I'm just gonna go then, I guess.

#156
You know, I'll take my Birkenstocks and my Phish T-shirt and my...

#157
- Kind bud with me. - What?

#158
GIRL: Did you just say you had kind bud?

#159
Kind bu... Yeah. I mean, you know, I just have, like, this much.

#160
Hey, and look at this. It's a little ray gun.

#161
Oh, that's nice, man. Look at this thing right here, dude.

#162
Put this in a plastic bag and, boom, shower radio, buddy.

#163
- Unbelievable. We're on a roll. - Look at this.

#164
We wrap stuff in this. Look. We can wrap it all up.

#165
Electrics. Electrics! (crashes)

#166
- Whoa! A sneaker. - What size?

#167
- Fourteen. - Throw it in the pile, baby.

#168
(crashes) Crash in the pile. Ah, Charlie, isn't this great?

#169
We go right to the source! Forget about the dump.

#170
Yeah. Screw the dump, man. It's right in your backyard.

#171
- This is it. What's that? - It's another coat, man.

#172
- Ooh, can I have it? - No.

#173
- Well, you already got one. - Frank, use your head.

#174
This is the coat that's gonna protect my other coat. Come on, man.

#175
- When you're right, you're right. - Yeah, baby. You'll find one.

#176
If you keep diggin', you're gonna find one of these. (laughs)

#177
- Oh, you gotta be kiddin' me. - Huh? Oh, hello.

#178
Look who it is, huh? The girl who ruined my life

#179
by fallin' in love with my best friend and havin' sex with this guy.

#180
- How you doin'? - Gross. And "gross" to you.

#181
You know what? I don't know what you're doing. I don't want to know.

#182
Go and do it in somebody else's Dumpster, okay?

#183
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on a second.

#184
- What do you got in those? - Coffee cups and food scraps.

#185
- Yeah, we'll take 'em. - Hand 'em over.

#186
- I don't know why it's cranky. - Well, maybe he's hungry.

#187
- Your thoughts on nursing it? - I haven't slept in three days.

#188
I don't have thoughts anymore.

#189
You know, raising a child is not nearly as fun as I thought it'd be.

#190
Well, what if we put it back where we found it?

#191
Oh, my God, that is the cutest little baby I've ever seen.

#192
- What's his name? - Uh, his name is...

#193
- D... B. - D. B.

#194
Oh, he could be a Gerber Baby. He could be in commercials.

#195
- I have an idea. - I'm three steps ahead of ya.

#196
We need to make Dumpster Baby a star.

#197
It's what I'm talkin' about. We can't put it into a corrupt system.

#198
We have an opportunity to give it a real future here.

#199
- By making it a star. - Who live better than child stars?

#200
- Nobody. - Nobody. Rich, famous...

#201
- They have it all. - The happiest people on earth.

#202
D.B., my main man, you got tossed into the right Dumpster.

#203
Brenda, I'm not gonna waste any more of your time than I have to.

#204
We've got meetings with agents all over town.

#205
- Can you make D.B. a star? - Well, I'm sorry to say,

#206
but in today's commercial world, there's just no room

#207
for another white baby actor. There's an influx already.

#208
- White babies don't sell. - They're not selling right now.

#209
Question: Who is selling, Brenda?

#210
The Latino market is the fastest growing demographic in the country.

#211
- Great. So Mexicans are selling. - Oh, well, D.B. can play Mexican.

#212
D.B. could definitely be a Mexican. We get him some pistols.

#213
He fires 'em off like crazy. Do the jumpin' thing.

#214
- He does the Mexican Jumpin' Bean. - Ayayay! (scatting mariachi song)

#215
- With a little thing with chips. - He could sell chips.

#216
And he can dip the chips into the nacho cheese.

#217
It's hilarious. For all we know, he is Mexican.

#218
- 'Cause here's the thing. - Oh, we've got... Ooh, I...

#219
I can't really get into the specifics of the whole thing,

#220
but we've got no idea who D.B.'s dad is.

#221
We don't know who the dad is. It isn't me.

#222
I'm sorry, but your son just does not look Latino.

#223
Oh. Well, I mean, that...

#224
- That's a bit of a disappointment. - That makes me sad.

#225
Because we're truly tryin' to give him a... future.

#226
Is there anything that we can do?

#227
Well, not unless you can change the color of this baby's skin.

#228
Let me get this straight. You wanna put your baby into a tanning bed.

#229
- That's correct. - I'm sorry. That's against the law.

#230
Look, we're well aware of the law. We don't wanna jam you up here.

#231
We just wanna put him in there for a couple of minutes.

#232
- Just to get a base. - Just to get a base.

#233
We'll sign whatever waivers.

#234
Cook him a couple of minutes, and we'll be out of your hair.

#235
I am feeling compelled to call the authorities.

#236
Are you? Then why don't we take our business elsewhere?

#237
I sense some judgment in your voice, sir, and I don't appreciate it.

#238
You could have helped change this child's life forever.

#239
- You chose not to. That's on you. - I can live with that.

#240
Come on, D.B. I guess the road to stardom

#241
s paved with hard knocks and orange assholes.

#242
(protestors chanting) #Trees are people too, save this tree#

#243
These developer pigs are gonna tear down this tree.

#244
So tonight we will hold a candlelight vigil in protest.

#245
Sage, Asriel, can we commune for a moment?

#246
- Yeah. What's up? - Well, listen.

#247
I don't want to be putting out any negative vibrations,

#248
but I think we're going about this the wrong way.

#249
- Thanks, but, uh, we got it. - Why don't we hear him out, Sage?

#250
Thanks, Asriel. Listen.

#251
While I think lighting a couple of candles and singin' a few sweet jams

#252
sounds like a really good time, it's not gonna stop a bulldozer.

#253
Somebody needs to step up and be a hero here.

#254
So I'm thinkin', I would chain myself to that tree.

#255
That way, if they wanna kill that tree, they gotta kill me first.

#256
That is so brave of you, Dennis.

#257
- Is it? - Wait.

#258
If anyone is gonna chain themselves to anything, it's gonna be me.

#259
- But it was Dennis's idea. - No, wait, Asriel. He's right.

#260
- Maybe it should be him. - Right. I'm the one in charge here.

#261
- Right. You're the one in charge. - Right.

#262
- Mountain, go get some chains. - Wait. Hold off on that, Mountain.

#263
I brought some.

#264
- Charlie, we gotta stop. - No. Two more stops, Frank.

#265
- Let's keep it moving. - Let's drop it off at base camp.

#266
No. No base camp. We gotta keep movin', Frank.

#267
- Ho! Do not lose that. - It's just a bottle.

#268
All right, I think we gotta stop. We gotta stop at the apartment.

#269
- No, there's no time for that, man! - We gotta drop some stuff off.

#270
- Fine. We'll make it quick. - All right.

#271
(clattering) Charlie, maybe we should get rid of some of this shit.

#272
- What? (mutters) - Yeah.

#273
- What'd you say, get rid of it? - Yeah.

#274
- Frank, look at this. Huh? - Yeah.

#275
- This... This... Look at that, bro! - Yeah. Yeah.

#276
This here's our future, man. People are just throwin' this away.

#277
Get rid of it, dude? Frank, we start gettin' rid of this,

#278
we're gonna be just like the wasters out there.

#279
Hey, guess what. Somebody else is gonna find it.

#280
Ah, you're right, you're right, you're right.

#281
Well, where are we gonna sleep?

#282
(sirens wailing in distance)

#283
(thunder rumbling) You sure you still wanna do this?

#284
Mountain, this is what it's all about.

#285
Me and my girl side-by-side, savin' a life,

#286
bringin' in the dawn together. I mean, come on!

#287
- Looks like it's gonna rain. - It does look like it's gonna rain.

#288
- Have you seen Asriel? - No.

#289
Wonder where she is.

#290
(thunderclap) #Riders on the storm#

#291
Tonight we cross the plane of reality

#292
nto the dimension of no place or time.

#293
Open your mouth.

#294
Become the journey.

#295
#Like a dog without a bone#

#296
What are we doin', man? It's pourin' rain out here!

#297
We're actin' like animals.

#298
- We gotta stick together, Frank. - Yeah, let's stick together.

#299
- Let's use our heads. - What are we gonna do?

#300
- We gotta get outta this rain. - Yeah. Where are we gonna go?

#301
We could get in that Dumpster.

#302
I'm not above that. Let's go.

#303
(screaming, drawn out) Asriel!

#304
Where are you?

#305
(both moan)

#306
(moaning continues)

#307
Can you give me a bite of that? I'm starvin'.

#308
Charlie, I'm really sorry that I banged your girlfriend.

#309
Bro, you gotta stop talkin' about that, dude.

#310
I'm also sorry that I didn't get the blood test. But I know.

#311
I'm a hundred percent positive that I am not your dad.

#312
Dude, how can you be a hundred percent positive, dude?

#313
(sighs) Your mother and I were gonna keep this a secret, but...

#314
After we made love, she did get pregnant,

#315
but she had an abortion.

#316
- Really? - Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

#317
You sure she went through with it? 'Cause maybe she didn't tell you.

#318
I mean, she probably went right from the clinic

#319
and banged some guy and got knocked up,

#320
because your mother was a giant whore.

#321
You know what, dude? I don't believe you, Frank.

#322
- It's hard to take. - Oh, my God. You're a liar.

#323
#Girl, you gotta love your man#

#324
- Where are you goin', Charlie? - To find out the truth!

#325
Charlie!

#326
#Make him understand

#327
#Yeah#

#328
(sobs)

#329
- Frank doesn't know the truth. - I knew it.

#330
You didn't have an abortion, you just told him you did.

#331
- I get that. - No.

#332
I had an abortion. It just didn't take.

#333
- Wha... What does that mean? - It means, you survived it.

#334
- You survived the abortion. - What the hell?

#335
What the hell are you talking about, Mom?

#336
We went to one of those clinics, one of those underground clinics,

#337
because Frank didn't want to spend a lot of money.

#338
I had the procedure, and then they told me you were dead.

#339
Okay.

#340
Three months later, you popped out, happy as a clam! (chuckles)

#341
Sweetie, I had to keep it a secret from Frank.

#342
I never wanted the abortion in the first place.

#343
But he was married, and I knew, if he found out,

#344
he would have forced me to get rid of you once and for all.

#345
He would have made me throw you in a Dumpster.

#346
(thunderclap)

#347
(slowly) Oh, my... God.

#348
(thunderclap)

#349
MAC: Nope. His skin needs to be darker, Dee.

#350
Yeah, I know. We're just gonna paint this bronzing lotion on him.

#351
- Shoe polish. - Shoe polish?

#352
Shoe polish on a baby?

#353
You're such an idiot. That's gonna look stupid.

#354
- And smell like shit. - We'll see.

#355
- Where's D.B.? - My door's open!

#356
- Did he get kidnapped? - Somebody came in and took him?

#357
There's a note. There's a note!

#358
"'Taked' baby. Meet at later bar, night or day sometime."

#359
(together) Charlie.

#360
Feast your eyes on this!

#361
Oh, my God, Charlie. Where did you get a baby?

#362
I think you know good and well where I got this baby, don't you?

#363
- What are you talking about? - I'm talkin' about you and Frank

#364
throwin' your love child here in the Dumpster behind Paddy's Pub!

#365
Did you think I wouldn't find out? Well, I did. Yeah. Yeah!

#366
What you might not know, though, is that this little baby of yours

#367
also happens to be my half-brother.

#368
Charlie, the incident with Frank happened three months ago.

#369
It takes nine months to make a baby.

#370
You can just give me the baby and stop screaming.

#371
There was a time where I would've helped you

#372
raise this little Dumpster baby brother of mine like a son.

#373
But that's gone now, 'cause you ruined it!

#374
You threw your babies away! And you threw your swords away!

#375
You threw your golf clubs and your tasty treats!

#376
And you know what? I found them. And I'm gonna raise all of 'em!

#377
Get me the number for Child Services.

#378
Hey, Sage, buddy. How are you, man?

#379
- How are you feelin'? - I did it. I-I saved the tree.

#380
You sure did, man. You saved that tree. Wow.

#381
I gotta say, man, I'm really impressed.

#382
I don't think I could've done what you did here today.

#383
- Guh, I'm a hero. - You are. You're a hero.

#384
Come here. Come here. Come with me.

#385
Man, it is a good day to be alive. A good day to be alive, isn't it?

#386
Okay, guys. She's all yours.

#387
You might wanna see this.

#388
(horn honks)

#389
(crashing, splintering)

#390
I banged your girlfriend.

#391
What time did he say he was gonna meet us?

#392
"Later bar, night or day sometime."

#393
- What does that mean? - I don't know.

#394
Hey, any of you guys seen that Ali Baba sword Charlie had?

#395
- What? - The little shit

#396
dumped me in a Dumpster last night, and I'm takin' all his stuff.

#397
It's every man for himself. I gotta find that Ali Baba sword.

#398
Pour me a shot there, Dee. I am the man.

#399
Why are you so chipper?

#400
Well, I got punked out by this peace activist.

#401
So what I did is, I infiltrated his organization.

#402
- I banged his girlfriend... - Hey, Frank!

#403
You recognize this young man right here?

#404
Or should I say, "Hey, Dad"? Yeah. That's right, everybody.

#405
Who would like to hear a mind-blowing story?

#406
Nobody. Give us back our baby so we can paint it.

#407
Oh, you're gonna paint it, huh? Well, be careful painting it,

#408
'cause you'll be painting my brother.

#409
But I guess you already knew that, didn't you, Dad?

#410
What the hell are you talkin' about, Charlie?

#411
Talkin' about you and the waitress dumpin' your baby in a Dumpster!

#412
And the abortion that you tried to make my mom have?

#413
Well, guess what, Frankie. It didn't take.

#414
I'm an abortion survivor, Dad! I survived the abortion, Dad!

#415
First of all, it takes nine months to have a baby.

#416
That is not my baby.

#417
Second of all, your mother is feedin' you a line of crap!

#418
Holy shit. You guys kept the Ali Baba sword?

#419
Gimme the sword! That's the sword I want.

#420
Back off, man. (others arguing, chattering)

#421
- It's my sword anyway! - Stop grabbin' it!

#422
(arguing, chattering continue) What are you guys doing?

#423
(crying)

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