Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S03E02 — The Gang Gets Invincible

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 3, Episode 2 — The Gang Gets Invincible

#1
DENNIS: There's no way a mouse could kill a scorpion.

#2
MAC: Dude, a mouse could kill... FRANK: A rat could kill a scorpion.

#3
No shit, Frank, but we're not talking about a rat.

#4
- We're talking about a mouse. - A rat still would lose.

#5
A little mouse fighting a scorpion, and that is final!

#6
(screams) Shut up!

#7
Shut up! Oh, my God! I don't care!

#8
All we're doing is arguing about the most stupid shit!

#9
Rat, scorpion, I don't care, man! When did this start happening?

#10
When we started arguing all the time and fighting? This isn't like us!

#11
Look. We're working our asses off in this bar, you know?

#12
We're getting nothing to show for it and so we're starting to snip

#13
and pick at each other. And it's bullshit, man.

#14
'Cause guess what. It's a beautiful day outside.

#15
Okay? We need to change things up. Let's go outside, get fresh air.

#16
Let's run around a little bit. Let's just do something different.

#17
(sighs) You know what, Charlie? You're right. This is great.

#18
Yeah. It's just nice to do something different for a change.

#19
Yeah. Enjoy a little blue sky, some fresh air.

#20
- Yeah. Some earth beneath our feet. - See? I told you you'd like it.

#21
(chuckles)

#22
- It's goddamn bright out here. - So bright. I can't use my eyes.

#23
- There's people playing football. - Like there's no room to drink.

#24
- I'd like to go back to the bar. - Let's go back to the bar!

#25
- Are you kidding me? - Oh, look out. Let me see that.

#26
- Can I get that back? - Yeah. Go long.

#27
I'll toss you a wicked spiral.

#28
Why don't you just give me the ball, dude? We're trying to practice.

#29
- What are you practicing for? - I'm trying out for the Eagles.

#30
(chuckles) Uh, the Philadelphia Eagles?

#31
Yeah. They're holding tryouts for the public.

#32
Like in that movie, "Invincible".

#33
Was that the one where the guy from the New Kids on the Block

#34
makes it onto the Eagles? I saw that.

#35
That's the one. That's a good one. Wait. They're actually doing that?

#36
- Yes. Just give me the football. - Okay.

#37
Well, Dennis, I think you know what we have to do.

#38
Dude, did you read this flyer?

#39
Donovan McNabb is gonna be giving us a motivational speech.

#40
I know, dude. We are actually going to be running on the Linc!

#41
Lincoln Field, baby!

#42
You guys think you're actually gonna make the team?

#43
Hell, no, we're not gonna make the team.

#44
But we will finally get to prove once and for all

#45
who's a better football player.

#46
Right. Trying out for the Eagles is the best way to settle that score.

#47
You know what? I would like to join your little competition.

#48
(both laughing)

#49
- No, no, no, no, no. - You... You... You're a woman.

#50
Women can't do things like this. You'll get hurt.

#51
Women aren't allowed to try out for football.

#52
That's ridiculous. They should at least be able to try out.

#53
There are plenty of other sports that women can try out for.

#54
Like, uh, cooking and...

#55
Complaining to your friends about your boyfriends.

#56
- Playing... Playing at ballet. - Cleaning.

#57
Displaying cars at auto shows in tiny bikinis.

#58
When you get older, you can play bridge together. I don't know.

#59
You know what? I am in such better shape than both of you guys.

#60
Do you not think the first thing they're gonna do to weed people out

#61
s make you run? Oh, good luck.

#62
I could get so much further than both of you.

#63
(both chuckle) You think that's even a possibility?

#64
'Cause that could be very embarrassing for us.

#65
Well, we're never gonna have to find out because she can't try out.

#66
- You can't try out! - You're not allowed to try out.

#67
- That is a rule, right? - Check the rules.

#68
We'll put a layer of beer, then a layer of ice...

#69
- What are you guys doing? - We're gonna tailgate the tryouts.

#70
Oh, shit. That's a good idea. You gonna bust out Green Man, bro?

#71
- No. No Green Man. - What's Green Man?

#72
Well, in high school, Charlie was like our school mascot.

#73
A mascot nobody wanted.

#74
He'd get wasted and dress in this green spandex bodysuit.

#75
- It was really sad. - Spandex?

#76
That's it. You gotta bring the Green Man suit.

#77
- With the spandex. - Green Man was good.

#78
It got me through some hard times. But I'm done with it.

#79
Tell you what. You can wear it if you want, I'm just gonna relax.

#80
This is gonna be about chilling out for me.

#81
This is gonna be exactly like Woodstock.

#82
Is it? Are you planning on getting yourself locked in the bathroom

#83
of your cousin's Winnebago for three days?

#84
Shut up about that.

#85
I survived on hand soap and toilet water for three days.

#86
The memory haunts me.

#87
MAC: The Linc, dude! The Linc! DENNIS: Yeah, baby.

#88
I am actually gonna be able to look down

#89
and literally see how many yards I'm running.

#90
- This is gonna be awesome, dude. - We might actually get further

#91
n this tryout than we thought. See how many yahoos are trying out?

#92
Oh, yeah. I've seen a lot of people wearing capes.

#93
- There are 15 guys wearing capes. - Why would you wear a cape?

#94
- What advantage does that give you? - Absolutely none.

#95
Have a little respect. We are here with the Philadelphia Eagles,

#96
and they are opening up their doors to us.

#97
- This is a boyhood dream. - I know. I know.

#98
Why even come out here if you're not gonna take this somewhat seriously?

#99
- You done pissing yet? - No. I haven't started pissing.

#100
Because you're standing next to me, you're talking to me.

#101
- It's making me nervous. - All right. Want another beer?

#102
Yeah. Give me another beer, for Christ sakes.

#103
I'm gonna sit here and not drink another beer?

#104
Yeah.

#105
Cabana is assembled. The grill is as sparkling as we're gonna get it.

#106
The margarita machine here is open for business. Time to relax.

#107
Want to drop some acid with me?

#108
- What? You're dropping acid? - Mmm. Woodstock, baby.

#109
(laughs) Uh, okay. Well, no.

#110
Thank you. I believe that would have

#111
the complete opposite effect of relaxation for me.

#112
Well, I'm gonna trip balls.

#113
No. You messed up. It's too high. It doesn't look right on you.

#114
Too high? No, I'm good at it, dude. I did a good job on you.

#115
- 'Cause I have good cheekbones. - You have good cheekbones?

#116
- You put foundation all over, bro. - I put a light base on...

#117
Hey, guys. What's up?

#118
- What the hell is this? - How's it hangin'?

#119
This is a joke, right? You think anyone's gonna buy that?

#120
- Whatever, bro. - You're gonna get crushed.

#121
Dee, the second any part of your body touches that field,

#122
t's gonna shatter like glass. - You got bones like glass.

#123
- I don't have bones like glass. - You had to wear a back brace.

#124
Your body's, like, 90% scoliosis, Dee. (whistle blows)

#125
Move it, fellas. Let's get on the bus.

#126
Bus? What the hell are you talking about?

#127
The bus that takes you to the field.

#128
Wait. I thought we were gonna be playing on the Linc.

#129
You think you dipshits are gonna play on the same field

#130
that champions play on?

#131
- Where are we going? - "Where are we going?"

#132
We're going to a shitty high school in Bucks County.

#133
Now get your ass on the bus. If I say it one more time...

#134
If I say it one more time... If I say it one more time...

#135
Sprint to the bus. Sprint to the bus.

#136
That's everyone on the bus, dude. They're leaving.

#137
Maybe they're having the tryouts in a different place.

#138
Son of a bitch. All right. Screw it. We're here. We'll just relax.

#139
Stay here and look at the Linc? Like a couple of dicks in a yard?

#140
Get out of here! We gotta get up and go.

#141
- Oh... - Let's go follow that bus. Come on.

#142
All right. You get that. You get that. Come on. Let's go.

#143
- Charlie, get up. - This is work. I didn't want to...

#144
Get the stuff. We'll follow the bus.

#145
- I like your mustache. - Oh. Thank you.

#146
- I can't grow one. - Okay.

#147
- That's a pretty sweet cape. - Thank you. My mom made it.

#148
- Hmm. She did a very good job. - Yeah.

#149
- She's talented. - Mm-hmm.

#150
Can't believe we're not gonna tear it up on the Linc. This is bullshit.

#151
Half the reason I wanted to do this in the first place

#152
was to be out on that field.

#153
Man, stop smoking, will ya? Some of us are trying to make the team.

#154
- Are you kidding me, bro? - No.

#155
Guy, if you think you're actually going to make

#156
the Philadelphia Eagles, then you're pathetic.

#157
- You're pathetic. - No, you're pathetic, sport.

#158
- You're pathetic! - You're pathetic!

#159
- You're the one who is pathetic! - Whatever, man!

#160
When I'm done with this tryout, you'll go back to your sad,

#161
pitiful life, and I'll be on the Eagles.

#162
And everybody in Philadelphia will know the name McPoyle.

#163
- What'd you say your name is? - McPoyle. Doyle McPoyle.

#164
- The unibrow. The eczema. The acne. - He's definitely a McPoyle.

#165
There are so many of those people.

#166
Now, this is what I'm talking about. Look at all the people.

#167
But we're stuck over here by the portable shitters. It's kinda lame.

#168
- Stop bitching and set up. - No. I'm not setting anything up.

#169
I'm sitting in my chair.

#170
I'm relaxing, I'm getting blackout drunk, and you're leaving me alone.

#171
All right. Be a party pooper.

#172
- What are you doing, dude? - Taking more acid.

#173
Classic mistake, Frank. You're making a classic mistake.

#174
Just shut up and sit in your stupid chair.

#175
It's your funeral, buddy. Whoa! Hey there, guy.

#176
- That's good. FRANK: Whoa, whoa, whoa!

#177
You kidding me, man?

#178
- What the hell is that shit? - Man, that won't fly.

#179
Come on, dude. You almost ran me...

#180
- Oh, my God. The McPoyle brothers. - Hello, Charles.

#181
- What the hell are you doing here? - Came to support our brother Doyle.

#182
- He's gonna make the Eagles. - Okay. That's fantastic. Great.

#183
- But your bus is spilling over... - You almost ran me over, man.

#184
- Move it back. - You gotta move it back a few feet.

#185
- No. No can do. - We need the space.

#186
- For what? - The whole family's here.

#187
Oh, that's great. Oh, my God. Are you kidding me?

#188
Great. Of course you're here. Good. How many... What is that a jar of?

#189
- What is that a jar of, dude? - Pig parts.

#190
How many can there possibly be? Oh, good to see her again. Good.

#191
She doesn't know what I'm saying, right? Okay. Here he comes.

#192
You're here in the world. That's the sun. It's gonna hurt your eyes.

#193
Watch your mouth. They've got thin corneas.

#194
CHARLIE: What is that? A fife? You brought your little flute.

#195
Is there more? Are there any more? Get 'em all out.

#196
All right. Look. I tell you what. Leave me alone, okay?

#197
I don't care what you do. Just leave me alone.

#198
'Cause, like, I'm here to relax and have a good time.

#199
I don't want any of your shit. All right? So leave me alone, okay?

#200
We be cool. We're even now.

#201
- Bump it. - I'm not bumping your fist.

#202
- Bump it. - Do it, Charlie. Bump it.

#203
I'm not bumping you, all right?

#204
I never bumped him once! I'm not gonna bump him!

#205
- Whatever. No bumping. - These guys are freak shows, man.

#206
COACH: Hustle up! Let's go, bitches!

#207
- Let's move it! Let's move it! - I was here first, Coach.

#208
- Hustle! - Coach! Hi. Hi, there.

#209
Cole. Cole Armstrong.

#210
Three-time all-American. Fastest sprinter in five counties. Coach?

#211
Would you like us to stand when you address us,

#212
or do you prefer we take a knee?

#213
- I don't give a shit! - Okay. I'll take a knee.

#214
I'll take a knee. (clears throat)

#215
We're doing these tryouts for you, because of your harassment

#216
and your love for the New Kids on the Block movie.

#217
You paid your $30 fee. We promised you a keynote speaker.

#218
- All right. Bring him up. - McNabb, dude. McNabb.

#219
- Gentlemen! - Uh, is this good here?

#220
Yeah, that's cool. Just put your parking brake on.

#221
(clears throat) Donovan McNabb.

#222
Hey, guys. I'm Donovan McNabb. Whoo.

#223
Uh, I play quarterback for the Philadelphia Eagles.

#224
And I'm here to tell you that you can, too,

#225
f you start every day with a hearty breakfast from McDonald's.

#226
Uh, like the new Sausage Egg McGriddle Value Meal,

#227
available now for a limited time for under five dollars.

#228
Remember, guys. Real champs eat at McDonald's.

#229
I'm lovin' it. Can I get the check?

#230
- That's good. - What the hell was that?

#231
Thanks, Donnie.

#232
- That was not Donovan McNabb! - That was not Donovan McNabb!

#233
- Yes, it was. - It was like a McDonald's plug.

#234
Was that the guy from "The Cosby Show?"

#235
- That's not the guy from... - Yeah. He was married to Sondra.

#236
- Alvin. - They had Raven-Symoné.

#237
- That's so Raven. - That's not the guy from...

#238
You know what? Sprints! (whistle blows)

#239
- Goddamn it! - Sprints!

#240
- Sprints! - Good job, dude.

#241
- I'm starting to feel it. Mmm! - I bet you are, bud.

#242
- Feeling weird. - Yeah, probably feeling very weird.

#243
The acid's making me feel like I gotta take a dump.

#244
That's what happens when you take a lot of acid, dude.

#245
- I gotta go. - Then go.

#246
The line's too long. Maybe I can hold it in.

#247
- Then go in the McPoyles' camper. - Oh, no.

#248
That might bring back bad memories. I think I'm gonna hold it.

#249
- How you feeling? - Annoyed.

#250
- There's nothing kicking in yet? - What you talking about? The beer?

#251
No. The acid.

#252
- I did not take any acid. Remember? - Oh, yeah, you did.

#253
What are you talking about?

#254
I put a shitload of it in your beer.

#255
- What? - Yeah.

#256
Is that what all those little pieces of paper were floating...

#257
I drank all that shit, dude! There was a ton of acid in there!

#258
- Yeah. - Why would you do that?

#259
I don't want to be the only one tripping.

#260
Oh, my God, man!

#261
- Oh, my God! - I really have to go take a dump.

#262
Shut up. I don't care. Go to their camper.

#263
I don't care, dude. Get out of here. Oh, you sick son of a bitch, dude!

#264
Why would you do... Oh, shit! Oh, shit!

#265
(panting)

#266
- You ready to quit yet, Cole? - Yeah. You had enough yet, Cole?

#267
- Yeah, Cole! - We ran for, like, 10 minutes.

#268
- My side is gonna explode. - You guys are in terrible shape.

#269
This is gonna be a lot easier than I thought.

#270
(whistle blows) Let's go!

#271
- Let's go! Move it! MAC: I'm in so much pain.

#272
All right. Now that we got our hearts pumping,

#273
let's pick out some gear, pick a partner... hitting drills!

#274
I pick Cole!

#275
(whistle blows) (groans)

#276
Oh, no, he didn't! Oh, no, he didn't!

#277
That's my signature dance. Gonna do that when I tackle people.

#278
I like your form on that and I liked how you went before the whistle.

#279
- Goddamn right. - Nice. (whistle blows)

#280
All right, guys. Let's pick new partners.

#281
Eeny, meeny, miny, mo.

#282
(groans)

#283
(whistle blows) Nice. All right. You're up, man.

#284
Ah. Uh, hitting's not really my thing, Coach.

#285
Spoken like a true champion. You just might make the team.

#286
- Awesome. Really? - Jesus Christ.

#288
Don't talk to anybody. These people are freak shows.

#289
Wait. Wait. Better wash your hands.

#290
No telling what kind of germs these McPoyles have.

#291
Oh! Crap!

#292
(groans) I'm starting to feel weird.

#293
What the hell? Oh, no. Not again.

#294
Oh, no! Hey!

#295
Hey! Hey! Hey! Somebody get me outta here!

#296
(grunts, laughs) Man, my brother just leveled your boy out there.

#297
He's gonna make the Eagles. Yeah, your boy's a pansy.

#298
But Doyle's a big strong guy. Probably 'cause he eats fish.

#300
What is going on with his head? It's too small or tight or something.

#301
Yeah, that's it. His skin's too tight.

#302
My skin's not tight.

#303
Good catch, Doyle! Good catch! Way to hustle! Way to hustle!

#304
- All right. Who's next? - This guy.

#305
All right. Run out and hook in.

#306
Run out and hook in. Show these people how to play football.

#307
(whistle blows)

#309
My form is perfect. I'm like Jerry Rice.

#310
Feel that stride. So fluid and fast. I've got the stride of a gazelle.

#311
A beautiful, beautiful gazelle person.

#312
My body is achieving a perfect symmetry right now.

#313
It's that long, lean muscle I've worked so hard to achieve.

#314
Hmm, I should've popped my shirt off.

#315
Goddamn it. Really should've popped that shirt off.

#316
I wonder if any women are watching from the sidelines.

#318
You're better at sports than Mac and Dennis.

#319
COACH: Holy shit! The other coaches gotta hear about this.

#320
Well, well, look who's a natural.

#321
Guess I'll be getting further than you after all.

#322
- Maybe it was a lucky kick. - No.

#323
No. Those stork-like legs, they act like pendulums.

#324
And on the bottoms of those pendulums, feet like wrecking balls.

#325
We gotta do something about this, dude.

#326
Let's go talk to Frank. Come on. I got an idea.

#327
Somebody! Somebody help!

#328
Goddamn it! Goddamn it! Not again!

#329
(gasps)

#330
WOMAN: Frank.

#331
WOMAN: Hey, Frank.

#332
Who said that?

#333
I'm Artemis. I'm Dee's friend.

#334
- I'm trapped. - I know.

#335
I can help. Crawl into my mouth.

#336
I don't think I can fit.

#337
Mmm, sure you will. Just go one leg at a time.

#338
Okay.

#339
Into the toilet I go.

#340
(Charlie thinking) Man, this is crazy.

#341
You are dancing with the entire McPoyle family.

#342
These people are freak shows, man. Freaks.

#343
But you're keeping your cool. You are keeping your cool.

#344
You know why? Because you are the Green Man.

#345
Green Man is saving your life right now, bro. Just go with the flow.

#346
Charlie, we've been looking all over for you, dude.

#347
Green Man. I knew you couldn't resist.

#348
Huh? You know what? I'm actually tripping pretty hard right now.

#349
- You're tripping? - Yeah.

#350
Frank gave me some acid, and it's like...

#351
- Oh, Jesus. - Hey, guys.

#352
Guess who got invited to training camp.

#353
Yeah. We're gonna be famous.

#354
Look. We need to talk to Green Man alone for a second, please.

#355
- Okay? Thank you. Yes. Bye. - Can we talk to the Green Man?

#356
Just go. Thank you.

#357
- Charlie, where's Frank? - Really important.

#358
- Oh, Frank? TOGETHER: Yes.

#359
He's standing right there.

#360
Frank, what the hell are you doing?

#361
He's been trying to climb through that trash can for 20 minutes.

#362
- I'm pretty sure he's on acid. - Thank God you guys are here.

#363
- How'd you get in here? - What are you talking about?

#364
I've been stuck in this bathroom for three hours.

#365
I think he took a dump in there.

#366
- Can you give us a second, please? - Whatever.

#367
I'm getting tired of watching him anyway.

#368
All right. Frank, listen. Did you bring your gun today?

#369
- Great. Walk me through the plan. - The plan is, I get close to Dee.

#370
When she goes to punt the ball, I fire the gun. It'll startle her.

#371
- She'll blow the kick. - That's a great plan.

#372
Wait a second! How long have we been standing right here?

#373
- Like two seconds. - Seriously?

#374
Yeah. Frank, give me the gun. We're in a hurry.

#375
- Where is it? - It's in your hand.

#376
Wait, wait, wait! When the hell did I put Green Man on?

#377
- I don't know. - That lizard talks!

#378
Where? Where? I don't like lizards!

#379
We don't have time for this. Frank, just give us the gun!

#380
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! - Lizard, am I standing in poop?

#381
I'm gonna demonstrate to all of you my natural abilities as a punter.

#382
I'm gonna kick this ball 60 yards

#383
right in front of your faces, and I'm gonna do it...

#384
as a woman.

#385
(all groaning) Oh, that's right. I'm a woman.

#386
And I'm about to show all of you that women

#387
should be allowed to try out for the Philadelphia Eagles. Coach.

#388
(sighs)

#389
Wrap your minds around this.

#390
Oh! (gasping)

#391
Oh, I broke it. Oh, it may be broken.

#392
Oh, sweet Jesus, I think I broke it.

#393
- Kick your legs, man. Come on. - You're out of the trash can.

#394
- A deal is a deal. Give us the gun. - Hold on. Hold on.

#395
I'm really peaking here.

#396
- Stop pointing the gun at us! - Stop pointing it at us!

#397
Point it somewhere else.

#398
Nobody minds if I do a little dancing now, do they?

#399
- Nobody cares if you're dancing. - Hey, guys.

#400
Could somebody please take me to the hospital, 'cause I'm pretty sure

#401
I broke every single bone in my foot punting that football.

#402
- Really? - Yeah. I didn't make the Eagles,

#403
but I would like to go to the emergency room now, please.

#405
No, my bones aren't... You know what? Forget...

#406
It doesn't matter, I made the furthest, so I win.

#407
No, I win because you're the girl, and you got knocked unconscious.

#408
- You didn't win. You got crushed. - Once again! Yes!

#409
What is this? That is so stupid. Guess what. I made it the farthest.

#410
- Yes, yes! (mocking) - Yeah, yeah, yeah!

#411
You shattered every bone... (gunshot)

#412
Holy shit. This thing is loaded. (laughing)

#413
DOYLE: My leg! - Doyle, are you okay?

#414
My leg! Somebody shot my leg!

#415
No!

#416
- Oh, that's not good. - That's not good.

#417
No. That could come back and bite us in the ass.

#418
- Ready? - Let's go!

« Prev Page 1 of 1 Next » Back to Search