Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S03E04 — The Gang Gets Held Hostage

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 3, Episode 4 — The Gang Gets Held Hostage

#1
FRANK: Gimme the walkie. MAC: I don't get what we're doing.

#2
FRANK: Just gimme the walkie-talkie. - All right.

#3
Why did you hide your will in the ceiling?

#4
- I didn't do it. Charlie did it. - Why did he hide it in the ceiling?

#5
Because I didn't wanna crawl around these goddamn vents.

#6
- Gimme my gun. - Right. Yeah! (gun cocks)

#7
You shouldn't carry this anymore. It always gets you into trouble.

#8
Recently, it has occurred to me

#9
that Dennis and Deandra stand to lose a lot of money

#10
because they're not my kids.

#11
- They're gonna rub me out. - You're being paranoid.

#12
Just go to a lawyer and draft up a new will.

#13
Don't overthink this. Trust me. Give me the damn gun.

#14
Here.

#15
Now, you think you can make sense of Charlie's map?

#16
Because it's dark as a well digger's ass up here.

#17
No one understands

#18
the subtleties of Charlie's retardation better than me.

#19
- I can guide you right to it. - Then you'll be very well rewarded.

#20
- I like that. (door opens) - Shit!

#21
- Seal me up! - That's them. Get away.

#22
Just get in! (Dennis, Charlie, Dee, arguing)

#23
My word is the law. I'm the boss of both of you now.

#24
- What are you talking about? - Why are you standing like that?

#25
'Cause I'm the big brother and the boss.

#26
- What? You're not our big brother. - Yes, I am.

#27
So get me a beer, little bro, before I give you a serious noogie.

#28
Dude, I swear to God, if you give me a noogie

#29
I'll yank your underwear over your head 'til your asshole rip in half.

#30
Hey-oh! What's up, bitches?

#31
- Mac, can an arse rip in half? - Like tissue paper.

#32
- They behind us? - No! Lock the way out!

#33
Whoa! What the hell are you doin'?

#34
- Whoa! - Okay.

#35
Don't shoot. Take it all.

#36
- The cash register. - Take the girl.

#37
- "Take the girl"? - Don't argue with them. Go.

#38
- Better you just go with them. - They're not trying to take me!

#39
- Don't be a hero. Do as they say! - They're not talking.

#40
If you keep arguing with them, we're all gonna die!

#41
- We don't want her! - Take the cash!

#42
- We don't want it! - Then what the hell do you want?

#43
We're takin' you bitches hostage.

#44
That's right. And a gassed-up boat and 100,000 clams in a briefcase.

#45
And a Planet Hollywood jacket. A leather one. Reversible.

#46
(quietly) And a reversible Planet Hollywood jacket.

#47
- Can't believe this. - Taken hostage. We should hit 'em.

#48
I make the demands, pig! I'll kill one of the hostages in one hour!

#49
You hear that? In one hour, Margaret shoots one of you.

#50
If you try to escape, we'll massacre you in a blaze of glory.

#51
- Play with your body. - Especially Dennis.

#52
Let's secure the perimeter.

#53
- Holy shit! - My God!

#54
- He means it. - They won't get those demands.

#55
Not the jacket. Planet Hollywood no longer exists.

#56
They'd have to call Stallone and he's not gonna give his up.

#57
Maybe Aykroyd. (all chattering, overlapping)

#58
Shut up! We need to focus, okay?

#59
This is serious. We could get Stockholm syndrome.

#60
(gasps) Oh my God. What is it? Does that start with a sore throat?

#61
- I think I might be getting it. - No, you're not.

#62
Are you a doctor? You're qualified to tell me I'm coming down with it?

#63
Stockholm syndrome, it messes with your mind.

#64
You start to empathize with captors and we turn against each other.

#65
Dee is right. We need to watch out for each other, okay?

#66
To get through this we must stick together.

#67
Nobody has to die.

#68
- Somebody has to die. - Oh, yeah.

#69
- Doesn't have to be us. - No.

#70
- Mac or Charlie. What do they want? - Not one thing.

#71
So, we need to form a pact. Whatever happens, we stick together.

#72
- You and I will form an alliance. - We'll form an alliance.

#73
Dennis is gonna try and have you killed.

#74
- I can't say that surprises me. - He's gonna sell us down the river.

#75
Okay, should we kill him first?

#76
I don't want anybody to have to die,

#77
but if somebody does, it could be Dennis.

#78
- It should. He had a great life. - Yeah. Sure.

#79
- He had a full, full, good ride. - A fantastic ride.

#80
- I had a terrible one. - Charlie, you had the worst.

#81
- You deserve another shot. - I want a better ride.

#82
You oughta ride and ride. Here's what we do.

#83
No matter what, you and I stick together.

#84
Together. We should get to Mac before Dennis does.

#85
- Mac will be with us. - Mac will be with us.

#86
Frank. Come in, Frank.

#87
The McPoyles have taken us hostage and might kill us.

#88
It's too late for the guys, but not for me.

#89
So come and get me out of here.

#90
Where the hell have you been?

#91
I've been lookin' for you for 20 minutes. I'm lost up here.

#92
They took over the bar and threaten to kill one of us. Come save me!

#93
Holy crap.

#94
Forget about the rest of them. It's just me. You can still save me.

#95
- Get down here! - Only when I get the will.

#96
Once that will is safe, I'll come and help you.

#97
Will? That has time. We do that some other time, dude.

#98
No. This is all the more reason to get that document.

#99
Who knows how it's gonna shake out down there?

#100
LIAM: Everybody gather round! - I gotta go. I'll call you back.

#101
Ow! Son of a...

#102
All right. There's no way they're gonna meet all our demands, so...

#103
... you're gonna dig a hole in the wall to the next building.

#104
We're gonna go to the roof and escape by helicopter.

#105
(men protesting) Here's how it is,

#106
two of you dig while two of you rest and then you switch.

#107
- I volunteer to rest first. - Bull. You can't volunteer to rest.

#108
You can be on my team if you want, but we rest first. I called it.

#109
Great, settled. I'm on your team. Charlie and Mac, you dig.

#110
- You're on her team? Some loyalty. - You don't wanna be on my team?

#111
Easy, Charlie. I never said that. The syndrome's making you paranoid.

#112
- It's making me crazy, dude. - Wait. He's burning up.

#113
- You gotta sit down. - I'm getting sick.

#114
Guys, Charlie's comin' down with Stockholm syndrome.

#115
The last thing you need is a bunch of sick hostages.

#116
Do you mind if I get some beers? We'd be a lot more relaxed.

#117
- And a cooler! Get one. - Good idea, Charlie.

#118
- Uh-uh. - What? It keeps the beer cold.

#119
- How do we do it without a cooler? - I'd like a cold beer.

#120
We should all have a cold beer in a cooler.

#121
- Who drinks warm beer? - We vote.

#122
All in favor of beer and cooler... Great.

#123
- Settled. Charlie, get a cooler. - Don't move, Charlie!

#124
No beer. No cooler. Margaret, put your hand down.

#125
- But your sister agrees with us. - She's on our side.

#126
She's a deaf-mute. She only raised her hand 'cause you guys did.

#127
- Really? - Let's try that again, right?

#128
(all laugh) DEE: That's awesome.

#129
- What else we could get her to do? - Uh, let's blink really fast.

#130
(Charlie grunts rhythmically) DEE: That's awesome.

#131
All right! Put your hands down and stop blinking!

#132
Leave Margaret alone.

#133
You two, in the bathroom. You two, grab some shovel.

#134
Ryan, crank up the heat!

#135
We're gonna get this place hot and clammy...

#136
(whispers) ... just like the McPoyles like it.

#137
FRANK: Here we go.

#138
Charlie, what are you tryin' to tell me?

#139
"If here by now, then bad place be.

#140
"Trouble time for you

#141
"when heat comes."

#142
Jesus Christ, the kid's an idiot.

#143
(fan switches on, air rushing) What...? Shit!

#144
What...? What's...? (groans)

#145
(groans)

#146
- Damn. They're crankin' that heat. - Maybe that's why she wore that.

#147
Of course, that's why.

#148
They're gonna stay nice and cool while we get all hot and steamy.

#149
- Why are you covering your mouth? - So she can't read my lips.

#150
- She can't do it. - You don't think?

#151
No way. Here, check this out.

#152
- Understand what I'm saying? - No?

#153
- Can you understand my words? - Know what I am saying?

#154
You can't read lips, can you? (slurps)

#155
- Right. Charlie... - What was that?

#156
I gotta talk to you about something.

#157
- Help me out with this map. - Whoa! Why do you have my map?

#158
Frank gave it to me. He's in the vents.

#159
He'll try to retrieve his will.

#160
If I guide it to him successfully, he'll give me a big percentage.

#161
He thinks that Dennis and Dee... What?

#162
It's boring. I'm getting bored.

#163
You should pay attention. This could be good for you.

#164
- Come on. You're losin' me. - Oh, my God.

#165
With Frank dead and the will gone, Charlie gets the money.

#166
I get all the money? What money?

#167
- The inheritance money. - Okay! Go! Good!

#168
- Do you get it? - Kinda.

#169
- Do you get the deal with this map? - Yes.

#170
Help me with it. We'll see the numbers later.

#171
It's a fake map, a decoy.

#172
- Really? - Yep.

#173
- Where's the real map? - It's tattooed on my body.

#174
- Get outta here. Where? - Right here.

#175
- You can't be serious. - I'm dead serious.

#176
- This is impossible. - It's very possible.

#177
- I'm not looking in your butt. - It's the only way.

#178
All right, but you gotta swear not to tell anybody.

#179
(quietly) I swear.

#180
- I can't see anything. - Look closer.

#181
- What do you see? - Nothing.

#182
(chuckles)

#183
- What do you smell? (farts) - Oh, my God!

#184
- Really? You fart in my face? - What do you think?

#185
Are you kidding me? Why did you do it?

#186
'Cause you stole my map, Frank's in the vents

#187
you lied, we could die and I never farted in your face!

#188
There's no time for this! Where's the real map?

#189
That's the real map. There's no fake map, idiot.(exhales)

#190
- Jesus Christ! - Are you kidding me?

#191
- This is unbelievable. - How can anybody like it this hot?

#192
- I feel woozy. - This is bullshit.

#193
A couple of glasses of milk... Lukewarm. Skim for the lady.

#194
We don't want your milk, Liam.

#195
Then start breakin' bricks, wet nips. (imitates tickle)

#196
- I think you're full of shit. - Is that right?

#197
That's right. I could walk out and you'd do nothing.

#198
I don't think you're serious.

#199
- You don't? - No, I don't.

#200
- You think I'm bluffin'? - You're bluffin'.

#201
Then bluff this! Ryan, stab somebody!

#202
(battle cry)

#203
(screaming)

#204
What've you done? Gimme the milk.

#205
- Showin' 'em we're not bluffin'. - No, you should stab one of them.

#206
(groaning) I gotta take care of this. Owww!

#207
- Holy shit. - My bad.

#208
(whispers) Oh, my... (shudders)

#209
- Oh, my God. - It was the most terrifying thing.

#210
That must have taken so much heart to stab your brother like that.

#211
- I mean, that is real dedication. - What?

#212
Whatever, okay? Look, I think we need a real plan here, Sis.

#213
The hour's coming upon us.

#214
Maybe I can corner one of them and manipulate them.

#215
- Get inside their head. - And have sex with them.

#216
Sex? No. I was gonna say, pit them against each other.

#217
- What? I know. What did I say? - You said...

#218
God, no. Those guys are disgusting.

#219
Dee, I think you're startin' to show signs of Stockholm syndrome.

#220
No, I'm fine. Can we just focus and you tell me what the plan is?

#221
Yes, let's focus. Here's the plan.

#222
I know I can get the girl to fall in love with me.

#223
I'm not a member of her family. That goes against me, but...

#224
... I do have a secret weapon.

#225
Boom, all right?

#226
I just need to be alone with her. The pecs will do the talkin'.

#227
One thing'll lead to the next. She'll lead me secretly to safety.

#228
Mac, what's with the goddamn heat?

#229
I'm roastin' like a suckling pig up here.

#230
Oh, yeah, man. It's gettin' pretty hot up in this piece, huh?

#231
Must be miserable up in those vents, Frank.

#232
- Charlie, is that you? - Yes, it's me.

#233
Hey... are you lost? I warned you never to be in the vents without me.

#234
Yes, a little bit. Charlie...

#235
... you think you could give the walkie-talkie over to Mac?

#236
I gotta talk to him privately.

#237
Yes, hold on a second.

#238
Buddy, I'm here.

#239
Mac, go somewhere where you're alone.

#240
(Mac chuckles, Charlie scoffs)

#241
Okay, Frank, we're alone.

#242
Whatever happens, make sure Charlie's the first one to die.

#243
What? Why?

#244
'Cause of this will business. He... stands to gain the most.

#245
- That's a very good point. - An excellent point. All right.

#246
That's a good plan, Frank. I'll be back in about 10.

#247
All right, get back to me. 10-4.

#248
Okay. What we should do is clear. Frank has to die.

#249
- Gotta kill Frank. - Somehow.

#250
So once the McPoyles take out Dennis, Dee and Frank,

#251
you and I will split the money.

#252
Ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh. That's kind of a lot, don't you think?

#253
Tell you what, I'll give you 25%. (door opens)

#254
- Twenty-five? It's my money! - Ball sacks.

#255
- Put those on. - Why?

#256
It's too obvious who the hostages and who the captors are.

#257
We're gonna confuse the cops.

#258
(all breathing heavily)

#259
All right. Your time is almost up.

#260
We'll spice it up with an immunity challenge.

#261
The winning team won't be in the first round of shootings.

#262
- Oh, well, that's a great idea. - Dee, shut up.

#263
- What was that? - She's got Stockholm syndrome.

#264
No, I don't. I think it's a good way to decide who to kill first.

#265
I'm putting myself in their position.

#266
It's called compassion, dickheads.

#267
If you guys had a little bit of it, you wouldn't even be in this mess

#268
and we wouldn't have to figure out which one of you we have to kill.

#269
But it's where we are. So hand me the shotgun... (cocks)

#270
... 'cause I'd like to do the mess myself.

#271
Get on your knees, bitches!

#272
What is that? Now you're on their side?

#273
- You wanna be a McPoyle, trash bag? - Huh?

#274
Mmmm! (gasps)

#275
If you wanna be a McPoyle, you've gotta earn that the hard way.

#276
You'll learn it later on. For now, here's the challenge.

#277
Whoever destroys more inside the bar wins.

#278
And the teams have changed.

#279
It's now Dee and Charlie versus Mac and Dennis.

#280
You have one minute to plan your strategy...

#281
... starting now.

#282
Whoop. Come on. Come here, come here!

#283
I think I got a plan to get us out of this.

#284
- I need you to destroy the bar, ok? - I'm a great destroyer.

#285
- Seriously? You're a born smasher. - Yes, I am!

#286
I'm working a different angle with the girl.

#287
- Work those pecs. - Exactly.

#288
- Bump it. All right. - Dennis.

#289
- What? - I love you.

#290
Go! Go! Go!

#291
- Okay. I got a plan. - Okay.

#292
I'm gonna start by wrecking the back office.

#293
But there's a lot more stuff...

#294
Listen to me! I get your betrayal, but you're acting nuts.

#295
All right. I'm sorry about the whole thing...

#296
Shut up, okay? I'm tryin' to save your life, Dee.

#297
So I'm gonna wreck the back office. We gotta stick together.

#298
- You got it? - Yes, I did, Charlie.

#299
Time's up, assholes. Start smashing!

#300
I love you.

#301
(yells)

#302
(wheezing, grunting)

#303
Decided to come take a break from all the excitement.

#304
It's got me all sweaty.

#305
So sweaty.

#306
Do you mind?

#307
Margaret, you like sweat, don't you?

#308
It is "Margaret", isn't it? Of course, it is.

#309
You know, your eyebrow... It drives me crazy.

#310
It's so thick. It's so... dark...

#311
And so very...

#312
... connected.

#313
You're a stone cold fox, Margaret.

#314
You're a stone cold fox and I want you.

#315
I gotta have you. I need you.

#316
I want you inside me.

#317
(whispering) But you know that. Don't you, Margaret?

#318
(slurps)

#319
(quietly) Yeah.

#320
Look at yourself, Dee. You've become a monster.

#321
What? Not my fault. I'm sick.

#322
I know, Dee. You're the one that told us about Stockholm syndrome.

#323
But if you just snap out it,

#324
we could survive this, if we just stick together.

#325
All right! Time's up. Mac and Dennis seem to take it.

#326
Nice! Blast away, boys.

#327
No, wait. Because Charlie... Charlie destroyed the office!

#328
- Go and look. Charlie saved me! MAC: No. Blast her!

#329
Charlie, we did it!

#330
We did it!

#331
(creaking)

#332
Goddamn it, Charlie.

#333
(Mac on walkie-talkie) Come in, Frank.

#334
Oh, when we get outta this,

#335
I'm gonna shove my fist right into your ass, hard and fast,

#336
not in a sexual way, in a "I am pissed off at you" way,

#337
for turnin' off your walkie and leavin' me in this shit hole!

#338
Listen very carefully...

#339
Charlie has escaped. Repeat, Charlie has escaped.

#340
He may come after you.

#341
Don't worry. I take care of myself. Ah! (glass crunches)

#342
God! I just stepped in glass! There's broken bottles everywhere.

#343
Broken bottles everywhere? Shit, dude.

#344
- I think it's Charlie's "bad room". - What the hell is that?

#345
It's where he goes to be alone and break bottles.

#346
Dude, you gotta be real careful. He's gonna find you.

#347
I can take care of myself.

#348
Hello, Frank.

#349
I gotta call you back.

#350
- Be careful. Be careful. - Hi, Charlie.

#351
- Lookin' for your will, Pop? - It's exactly what I'm lookin' for.

#352
It's funny the kind of men we become in these circumstances.

#353
I heard who you wanted to have killed.

#354
But that goddamn Mac, he...

#355
Then tell me, Frank. What do you think about...

#356
... this?

#357
I like that very much. That's exactly why I came up here.

#358
No, it's the... Yeah, I guess it is.

#359
- Now let's get the hell outta here. - I don't think so, Frank!

#360
You see, I don't need you anymore, now do I?

#361
What are you talkin' about?

#362
What you doing? Put your hands down.

#363
- Yeah. - Charlie, put your hands down.

#364
- Charlie, don't... - Bye, Dad!

#365
God. Do you always carry it? Ridiculous.

#366
- Lead me the hell outta here. - All right. Fine.

#367
- How? - This way.

#368
- That way? - Put the gun...

#369
- I was going that way. - That'd be wrong.

#370
All right. That was... (smacks lips) nice.

#371
That was very... hot and sweaty and passionate...

#372
... milky. (clears throat)

#373
Now let's get out of here. Let's sneak and start a life together.

#374
Leave this crazy place together. Sneak me out.

#375
What? No. We're done with the kissing part, okay?

#376
That part's over. We're in love and you sneak me out of here.

#377
We're at that part now, all right? No, no.

#378
God. Please tell me you understand. Do you understand me?

#379
You don't, do you? It was all for nothing.

#380
- What the hell is goin' on here? - Uh...

#381
... nothing.

#382
Doesn't look it. But for the record, I'm into it.

#383
Everybody to the roof. It's time to pay the piper.

#384
Some hundred more yards and we're outta here.

#385
- Some hundred more yards? - Now push!

#386
(Charlie strains, Frank mutters)

#387
- Go! (strains) - We're, like, in a tomb, Charlie.

#388
I'm one of you guys, a McPoyle, so you wouldn't kill me, right?

#389
She's got Stockholm syndrome. Don't trust her. She'll betray you.

#390
I won the immunity challenge. I should live.

#391
We both won 'cause we were on the same team. We're both safe.

#392
No, I did all the work. You were getting laid.

#393
I love inbreeding! I like men in tight, white underpants.

#394
- Get on your knees! MAC: Goddamn it!

#395
(both yelping, grunting)

#396
We're free, dude! We're free!

#397
- Frank and Charlie! - They came to save us!

#398
(both groaning, panting)

#399
Right?

#400
(both panting, stop)

#401
- Uh, yeah. - Yeah, okay.

#402
- Yeah, we came to save you. - We came here to save you guys.

#403
- It's exactly it, why we came. - We came for you. So here we are.

#404
- Frank. - Liam.

#405
What a delicious surprise.

#406
Looks like we got ourselves into a bit of a pickle here.

#407
Get over with your friends.

#408
I don't think so.

#409
- Really? - Really.

#410
(chuckling)

#411
(both chuckling)

#412
(all laughing)

#413
(all laughing louder, cackling)

#414
(laughing, cackling continue)

#415
Yippie-kay-yay, Mr. Fuckin'...

#416
(gunfire continues)

#417
(slowed down)

#418
Brother!

#419
God! (whimpering)

#420
- I love you! - God, I love you!

#421
- Hang on! - Don't let go!

#422
I got you! I got you, brother.

#423
No, you don't!

#424
- What are you doing? - Stop!

#425
Why are you doin' that? (screams)

#426
(no audible scream)

#427
(slowed down) No!

#428
(laughing, slowed down)

#429
(short grunt)

#430
LIAM: Are you all right?

#431
Yes. I think I might get a bruise on my heel.

#432
- That's not bad. - No.

#433
Not bad at all. It's pretty fun, like...

#434
- Climb down that ladder, guys. LIAM: All right.

#435
Later, bitches.

#436
"Later, bitches"? Wait. So they're just leaving?

#437
- Why are they leaving? - What is it?

#438
DEE: This gun is rubber. MAC: It's rubber?

#439
- She's right. It's rubber. - There's no police!

#440
- No police down there, dude! - What's happening?

#441
- What's going on? - Are they joking?

#442
- Where are the cops? RYAN: Ha-ha!

#443
- Revenge! We got you, suckers! - Nobody messes with the McPoyles!

#444
Eat it, douche bags!

#445
(both hooting in distance)

#446
- McPoyles! - Goddamn it!

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