Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S03E05 — The Aluminum Monster vs Fatty Magoo

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 3, Episode 5 — The Aluminum Monster vs Fatty Magoo

#1
That's a good shirt, Charlie. I like it. You should buy that.

#2
You like it? Okay, stand a little to your left, please.

#3
- Why? - Just a little bit to your left?

#4
- Why, Charlie? - So I can steal it.

#5
No, you're not gonna steal it. Just buy the shirt.

#6
It's fine. It doesn't even have the exploding ink thing on it.

#7
- We're good. - Oh, great news.

#8
I'm not getting arrested with you. So buy it.

#9
(Scoffs) What is the point?

#10
The point is that you have, like, four articles of clothing.

#11
And that's it for years and years and years now.

#12
- So buy something new. - All right,

#13
first of all, this place is a rip-off, okay?

#14
Secondly, someone should teach these people how to do a decent hem,

#15
don't you think? - Are you unsatisfied with that hem?

#16
- Very unsatisfied with the hem. - What do you know about hems?

#17
I've been sewing my clothes back together for almost my entire life.

#18
I know a thing or two about a hem, Dee, all right?

#19
- Well, that's just sad. - Well, it's not sad.

#20
It's a very valuable skill set. So, you know...

#21
- Just try the shirt on and buy it. - All right.

#22
WOMAN: Shut up!

#23
- Shut up! Dee Reynolds? - Yeah.

#24
Ingrid! Nelson. From high school.

#25
- Ingrid Nelson? (laughs) - Yeah.

#26
You look so different. What happened to all of the fat parts?

#27
I lost 'em! I lost a ton of weight!

#28
And look at you. You look so beautiful.

#29
You don't have that hideously, ugly,

#30
disgusting back brace anymore. - Yeah. Yeah.

#31
Oh, God! We were such losers in high school!

#32
Do you remember what people used to call us?

#33
Uh, I don't remember.

#34
The Aluminum Monster and Fatty Magoo!

#35
- Yeah, that was it. - Remember?

#36
- Yeah. Yes. - You were the Aluminum Monster!

#37
- I was Fatty Magoo! - Yes. Yes.

#38
Hey, do you remember how you used to say that you were gonna be famous

#39
and have your own clothing line? - Did I say that?

#40
Oh, my God. Every day.

#41
Every day, it was "famous actress this" and "famous model that".

#42
And all the kids did was laugh at you.

#43
That is a good memory.

#44
Well, no. I mean, it inspired me. I thought to myself,

#45
"If the Aluminum Monster can do it, then so can I."

#46
- Oh! - Dee, you're in my store!

#47
- This is your store? - Yes!

#48
Wow! (laughs)

#49
- All this, yours? Gosh! - Yeah.

#50
Hey, so, did you ever do... Are you a model now?

#51
- Are you... Did you... - Well, yeah, yeah, yeah.

#52
- Yeah? - Not-Not-Not... Yeah.

#53
Not right now... because I'm shopping.

#54
- Did you go to law school? - Oh, my God, I did!

#55
- You did? - Yeah, for a little while.

#56
- I loved it. - God, you must be so busy.

#57
I'm so busy. So busy that I have to go.

#58
But it was really excellent to see you.

#59
- It was so good to see you too. - Oh, and congratulations.

#60
- I would love to hang out. - Hang out? We're gonna hang out!

#61
We're gonna do that! We're gonna do all of that!

#62
Okay. (laughs)

#63
Charlie. You're not gonna believe this.

#64
I just ran into the biggest loser from my high school.

#65
- And she owns this store! - Really?

#66
I used to say all this stuff about...

#67
how I was gonna be big and famous to keep her down.

#68
- Oh, yeah. - But it did the opposite.

#69
It inspired her or something, which is terrible.

#70
I'll tell you what. Calm down. Here's what you do, all right?

#71
Pop on a couple things, slip 'em on, we'll walk right out of here.

#72
No. No, that's not good enough. I gotta beat her at her own game.

#73
Charlie? I got a fatty to take down.

#74
Dee, how's your design coming along?

#75
I can't believe you stole that shirt.

#76
Come on. I steal lots of things. You don't have to get all huffy.

#77
- Let me take a look. - No. It's not ready for looking.

#78
Let me take a look... See, I'll tell you if I like it or not.

#79
- I'm not ready, Charlie. - What are you guys working on?

#80
Dee's designing a dress to put her old nerd friend back in her place.

#81
- Oh, which nerd friend? - Um, the fat one.

#82
- Ingrid Nelson. - Ingrid... Oh, Fatty Magoo?

#83
- That's right. - Oh, your old sidekick.

#84
- What's she been up to? - She owns her own clothing store.

#85
So Dee's making a dress. I'm gonna help her sew it.

#86
Because according to Dee, I'm a loser too. Did you know this?

#87
But, Sweet Dee, being a winner's not something that you can become.

#88
It's something that you're kind of born with. Like me.

#89
- Like us. - Like me.

#90
- Let me take a look at this. - No, hold on.

#91
- Let's just peek at it. - I feel like

#92
you're gonna make fun of it. It's not done yet. (laughs)

#93
Dee, when did... What is this? Is it a boat?

#94
- No, it's... - It's a boat with a triangle.

#95
- It's not a boat. CHARLIE: No, there's a cup

#96
and a straw. - It's a cocktail dress.

#97
- That's a strap. - Is it a raincoat?

#98
- It's not a raincoat! - No. That's a plug.

#99
- It's a lightbulb. - Well, in my head, it's very...

#100
It's elegant. I'm having a hard time putting it out onto paper...

#101
Through your hands? Have your hands been smashed with hammers?

#102
- What is wrong with you? - You're definitely not gonna be

#103
putting anybody in their place with a drawing like this.

#104
- Let me give it a shot. - Dennis, take a stab at it.

#105
I'm gonna start with the breasts.

#106
- Oh, naturally. - Come on!

#107
CHARLIE: Oh, those are beautiful. - Bountiful.

#108
- I would say so. Oh, yeah! - Gorgeous, right? You see? Okay?

#109
- That is some good... - Then we move on to the waist.

#110
(whistles) - Yes. - Delicate, precise.

#111
You can draw. I'm getting kind of, like, a little flustered here.

#112
Yeah, that's understandable. She's a nice looking lady.

#113
I'll tell you what, dude. How about I take this sketch, right?

#114
And then I talk to Frank about, you know, a really good sewing machine.

#115
- And then I whip up a prototype... - Oh, of my designs?

#116
What? You dick! Charlie, come on!

#117
- I thought we were a team! - Relax. I'm still gonna help you

#118
make your raincoat with the straw. - It's not a raincoat!

#119
What is this? This woman doesn't even have a rib cage.

#120
Doesn't matter, Dee. Because winners always win.

#121
You're not a winner because you used to be popular in high school.

#122
But I think you peaked.

#123
Peaked? Peaked, Dee?

#124
Mmm. (chuckles)

#125
Let me tell you something. I haven't even begun to peak.

#126
And when I do peak, you'll know.

#127
Because I'm gonna peak so hard

#128
that everybody in Philadelphia's gonna feel it.

#129
I'm in my prime. And I bet you that I could sell these dresses

#130
to Fatty Magoo just based on these sketches alone.

#131
And your loser friend is gonna buy 'em because she's a fatty.

#132
And that's just the way of the world.

#133
All I have to do is turn on my winning charm...

#134
and Fatty Magoo will be putty in my hands.

#135
- 'Cause us winners always win. - He wasn't talking about you.

#136
I... think he was.

#137
- It's too streaky. - Where?

#138
- Everywhere. Fix it. - Well, I'm trying, Frank!

#139
I've never spray-painted a chair before. Why do you cover your mouth?

#140
Because that lead paint is extremely toxic.

#141
What? Is that why I'm feeling so dizzy?

#142
Hey, all I'm hearing is excuses. And I still have a blotchy chair.

#143
Wait a second! What am I saying? What am I doing here?

#144
You're making my chair look like it was dipped in gold.

#145
- Now get back to work. - Nobody is stupid enough

#146
to think that your chair was dipped in gold, Frank.

#147
- Why am I helping you? - Because I'm manipulating you.

#148
That's the way I get people to do things for me.

#149
- Really? - Yeah.

#150
Shit, that's awesome. How did you do that?

#151
If you make my chair look really nice, I will tell you.

#152
Deal! (laughs)

#153
- I got you. - Oh, great. Oh, good, good.

#154
Excellent. Listen, man. I need to use your business connections

#155
to see if I can get a really cheap sewing machine.

#156
Why?

#157
Dennis and I are gonna make a dress, see if we can sell it.

#158
You're gonna go in the garment business?

#159
No, dude. I'm not going into the garment business, okay?

#160
I'm just gonna make one single dress with Dennis.

#161
- Who's gonna run the operation? - It's not an operation, dude.

#162
Look, I just want your help getting a sewing machine.

#163
Whoa. Wait. Has that chair been dipped in gold?

#164
So we would cinch it up nice and tight through the waist,

#165
giving a nice, subtle lift to the top of the dress,

#166
and keeping those fat tummies in check. Gorgeous.

#167
- Okay, Dennis, I'm confused. - Why's that?

#168
These are just pictures of women with giant breasts.

#169
Yeah.

#170
And in some of these sketches, the women aren't even wearing clothes.

#171
- Yes. - Well, why?

#172
Listen, let me level with you. You're an attractive enough girl.

#173
I mean, certainly you've got some potential.

#174
There's no reason for you to be so nervous around me.

#175
Why don't you just order a couple of my dresses,

#176
and maybe if you're lucky, I'll even make one special just for you.

#177
And if you look good enough in it, hell,

#178
I might even consider having sex with you. (laughs)

#179
- How does that sound? - Terrible.

#180
(laughs) All right. Let's just calm down.

#181
You're having a reaction. That's understandable.

#182
It's the nerd in you talking. Why don't we start over?

#183
How many of my dresses would you like to order?

#184
None. Not one.

#185
Ok, look. I'm not gonna take "no" for an answer

#186
because I just refuse to do that because I'm a winner.

#187
And winners, we don't listen to words like "no",

#188
or "don't", or "stop".

#189
Those words are just not in our vocabulary. I know what you need.

#190
You need to see my dress on a model.

#191
I'll tell you what.

#192
I'm gonna come back tomorrow with a model.

#193
- Please don't do that. - Save your breath, Ingrid.

#194
Those words have never worked on me. I'll see you tomorrow.

#195
(door closes)

#196
Look, I am so confused.

#197
Why does she have light bulbs growing out of her neck?

#198
Light bulbs? What? Those are shoulder pads.

#199
- What? - Yeah.

#200
You know what? I'll walk you through it.

#201
No. I don't even want...

#202
Why don't you just help me make Dennis's designs?

#203
Because Dennis's designs are terrible.

#204
- I enjoy them. - I know you do. I walked in

#205
and saw you enjoying them very much this morning in the bar.

#206
This again. I told you I was scratching myself, Dee!

#207
You were scratching hard and very vigorously. So...

#208
- 'Cause that's the only way I... - It must've really itched.

#209
All right. All right, fine. What is this thing?

#210
- That is Dennis's prototype. - No, I know it's the prototype.

#211
But I don't get how it works. (groans)

#212
You're asking a million questions! All right, look.

#213
I'm just gonna have to walk you through it, all right?

#214
- So pay attention. - Yes. Thank you.

#215
The pretty lady gets naked, of course.

#216
And I help her into the prototype.

#217
My hands guiding along her body, making sure that it fits properly.

#218
Now the dress is starting to look fantastic, you know?

#219
And she feels very excited. She feels very sensual.

#220
And I feel very sensual about her because she looks so good.

#221
And then, you know, we chitchat a little bit. No big deal.

#222
But she asks me back to her place. Where did that come from?

#223
I accept, you know? And then, you know, we chitchat at her place.

#224
It's no big deal. But eventually she says, you know,

#225
"Do you want to make love, Charlie?" - Oh, God.

#226
And I say, "Are you serious? Because yes, I do".

#227
And then just, boom, we're into it. And it's hot and it's passionate.

#228
- Charlie? - Then it's just me and you, babe.

#229
all night long. - My God. Charlie?

#230
And I satisfy her so many times, she starts screaming my name.

#231
- Charlie! - "Charlie," she says.

#232
- "Charlie," she says. - Charlie!

#233
- Jesus! - Dee! (groans)

#234
What are you... I thought you had walked back over...

#235
No, I've been standing here the whole time!

#236
- I was in the middle... - Are you gonna help me with this

#237
or not? - I'm trying to...

#238
- What are you doing? You look... - Oh, Jesus. I'm gonna do it myself.

#239
I gotta say, Frank, I'm really happy about this partition.

#240
I can't tell you how many memories this brings back.

#241
This is exactly the way I ran my sweatshops.

#242
- Is it? - You have to separate them from us.

#243
- Right. Right. - They need to be trained.

#244
- Okay, yeah. I got an idea. - Trained.

#245
- I got an idea, okay? - I want to play music in there.

#246
'Cause I think it'll keep them happy and motivated.

#247
- And they'll work harder. - No, no, no.

#248
Mac, you gotta break 'em. You gotta break 'em like dogs!

#249
- Break 'em! Break 'em like dogs! - Yeah!

#250
You want to learn about manipulation?

#251
- Yes, yes. - This is it. All right, here.

#252
Your first rule of manipulation...

#253
s you gotta show them who is boss!

#254
You gotta rant and rave and yell at people!

#255
(mouths words) Then they find their place. That's it.

#256
Everyone gather around. I have an announcement to make!

#257
Dennis has an announcement! Go. Now's your chance.

#258
- Now's my chance. - Rant and rave.

#259
Gather around. Everybody, gather around, please!

#260
- We're all standing here. - Is this everybody?

#261
- Is this everybody? - You know that. What are you doing?

#262
- Dennis has an announcement! - Yeah, I heard that.

#263
- I'm wondering what it is. - It's an announcement!

#264
- What's up, Dennis? - I have an announcement.

#265
- Oh, my God! What is it? - Quiet on the floor, please!

#266
Dennis, your announcement? Thank you.

#267
I think everyone will be pleased to learn

#268
that we have just received our first order.

#269
- That's amazing! - Ho-o-o!

#270
I can't believe they placed an order before they saw the prototype.

#271
Believe it, 'cause that's what just happened.

#272
What the hell did Fatty Magoo like about your sketches?

#273
- Shut up! How many did they order? - Twenty-five.

#274
- Twenty-five? - 25 dresses, that's right. Charlie,

#275
do you have my prototype? - Yeah, yeah.

#276
Hey, do you have any more of those sketches?

#277
Maybe like one where the lady's, like, looking right at you?

#278
Stop talking to me. All right, everyone.

#279
I want those dresses. Now I don't care how you do it.

#280
Just make it work.

#281
You heard the man. Make it work!

#282
You heard our designer! Ladies and gentlemen, back to your stations!

#283
- Let's make it work! - No!

#284
No, I'm not going to make it work! I'm designing my own clothes!

#285
I'm supposed to be the one who's beating Fatty Magoo!

#286
- Mac, take care of this. - Okay.

#287
Dee, can I talk to you for a second? I know what you're trying to do.

#288
You want to show this girl what's what. I get that.

#289
And I think if you just buckle down and join the team...

#290
Mac, I'm gonna stop you right there. First of all,

#291
your breath smells like an old lady fart passing through an onion.

#292
Secondly, I know you're trying to manipulate me.

#293
And it's not going to work. Get your hand off my shoulder,

#294
because I've got a fatty to burn.

#295
She's gonna be here any minute. Can we get this thing tighter?

#296
Or can we lift these up a little bit? Oh, my God!

#297
- You sure this is the right size? - The dress is the right size.

#298
I wish we could say the same thing about your body? My God.

#299
You eat he entire kitchen cupboard today?

#300
- What's wrong with my body? - So many things.

#301
I mean, your breasts, they're tiny. Your gut is huge.

#302
- I wear a "D" cup! - You're just lying about that.

#303
All right now, take this gut and suck it in.

#304
- What gut? - Suck the gut in before I scream.

#305
How did you get into my office?

#306
Ah. Well, how does anyone get in anywhere, Ingrid?

#307
- Hard work and persistence. - Did you kick in my door?

#308
I intend to kick down a lot of doors today, Ingrid.

#309
Now, you're gonna have to use your imagination a little bit,

#310
my model is a little on the... (fart sound) side.

#311
But tell me what you see.

#312
Well, I see a man committing a felony...

#313
by breaking into my office and destroying my property.

#314
I also see a very confused and uncomfortable model...

#315
who seems to be stuffed into an ill-fitting garbage bag.

#316
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I see what you're saying, yes.

#317
You're saying that you love the dress but you hate this model.

#318
She hates the dress, you freak!

#319
Silence your mouth! She cannot properly see the dress

#320
because your disgusting body is ruining it!

#321
I can't believe I let you see me naked.

#322
- Well, that was part of the... - All right. I'm calling the police.

#323
No. No, no, Ingrid. There's no need to call the police, okay?

#324
Because the only crime that's being committed today

#325
s the crime of ugliness.

#326
And sadly, you can't press charges for that.

#327
You know what? I'm just gonna have to come back next time

#328
with a model with a perfect body.

#329
You've been a disappointment. Shame on you.

#330
No, no, no. Shit.

#331
Look at this. Beyond our wildest dreams.

#332
Everything working out, huh, Mac?

#333
- This is brilliant, Frank. - It's going smooth.

#334
How you doing with Charlie? Did you break him like a dog yet?

#335
Almost. I've changed his diet to only dry food.

#336
And he's no longer allowed on any of the furniture.

#337
Good. What about Deandra?

#338
Hmm, not so good. She's still causing problems.

#339
Hmm. You're gonna have to take care of this right away.

#340
(machine grinding) Oh, goddamn.

#341
- Dee! - Come on! Just go straight!

#342
- Dee, come on! - I feel like it's broken.

#343
It's not broken! You're just messing with it.

#344
- I'm not messing with it. - You're punching in and you're...

#345
Don't stomp on the pedal like that!

#346
How do these people... Who are these women?

#347
They're Eastern European women! I have no idea

#348
where Frank got them. They're very good sewers.

#349
- You should ask them how to sew. - They smell like sausage.

#350
They do smell like sausage. It's terrible.

#351
Charlie, shh! Dee, I need a word.

#352
- Get outta here. - What are you working on?

#353
It's my dress. You know that.

#354
Ooh, ooh. Did we not have a conversation about this, Deandra?

#355
The dress does not fit the prototype.

#356
- I don't give a shit. - Come on, Dee.

#357
- Don't rock the boat here. - Charlie, I can handle this.

#358
I'm on your side here, man. I'm just trying to say she...

#359
- Charlie, sit. - Don't tell me to sit, dude.

#360
You want a treat? I think I got some jerky here...

#361
(gasps) I do have some jerky in my pocket. Do you want some?

#362
- Yeah. Yeah? - Yeah? You sure? You want some?

#363
- Yeah. - Wait for it. Sit.

#364
- Yeah. - Shake. Speak.

#365
- I'd like some jerky, please. - Good boy!

#366
(laughs) He caught it. He catches it every time.

#367
- You want a piece of jerky? - No.

#368
You're supposed to be a goddamn modeling agency

#369
and this is the best you've got? I mean, I ask you to send me models

#370
who are attractive. You send pictures of girls that have bodies

#371
like Oompa-Loompas and hippopotamuses!

#372
I can't talk to you people. I can't... (grunting)

#373
How hard is it to find an attractive model in the city of Philadelphia?

#374
Hey-oh! Guess what, buddy. We did it! We filled the order!

#375
- What order? - The dresses, dude. 25.

#376
Pretty efficient, huh?

#377
Yeah. Just, uh, put 'em by the door or something.

#378
Okay. Hey, you want me to help you bring 'em to the store?

#379
No! No, I don't want you to ever go to the store ever!

#380
- Why not? Something wrong? - No. Everything is... great.

#381
Everything is... perfect.

#382
Then why don't you want me to go to the store?

#383
- 'Cause you're busy. - I'm not busy.

#384
I actually have a pretty clear docket for the next couple of...

#385
No, you're so busy. Because we just got another order.

#386
We did? For how many?

#387
Uh, a hundred.

#388
A hundred? We got an order for a hundred dresses?

#389
- Oh, my gosh! That's fantastic! - Mmm!

#390
We gotta kick it up a notch.

#391
(man yelling in German)

#392
Dee, come here! Where the hell have you been?

#393
It's only 9:00 in the morning.

#394
Oh, my God. I've been here since 5:00.

#395
- What? - Things have changed around here.

#396
They're running this place like a concentration camp.

#397
We shouldn't even be talking right now!

#398
I think you better sit down and get to work. It's bad.

#399
The situation is bad! Oh, my God!

#400
They're watching us, Dee. They're always watching us.

#401
What do you think they're saying out there, Frank?

#402
I don't know, but I don't like it.

#403
The German war propaganda was a nice idea.

#404
Wait till you hear the steam whistle.

#405
(German man screaming continues) Charlie, where's my dress?

#406
(chuckles) Charlie, I left it right here! Where is it?

#407
- Please don't do this. - Did you do something with it?

#408
- What did you do? Where is it? - Just go back to work.

#409
Tell me where it is, you son of a bitch!

#410
- I'm not supposed to say! - You want to lose your hand?

#411
- I'm not supposed to say! - Tell me where it is! Tell me!

#412
(whistle screeching)

#413
Is that a steam whistle?

#414
What the hell's going on over there?

#415
- Everything's fine. - What happened to my dress?

#416
Was destroyed and the materials were distributed amongst the workers.

#417
What? You guys! How could you do that to me?

#418
I worked forever on that dress!

#419
The dress did not fit the prototype!

#420
- It didn't fit the prototype! - Screw the prototype!

#421
What are you talking about? Now I have to start all over!

#422
I'm afraid not, Deandra. We're gonna have to let her go.

#423
You heard the man, Dee! Get off the floor!

#424
- Oh, my God. You know what? - Off the floor now, Dee!

#425
- Ladies! We're outta here! MAC: No.

#426
We don't need this! Let's go! We got a whole box of knockwurst up there.

#427
- A big pot of it! - Deandra, what are you doing?

#428
- I'm staging a strike. Let's go! - I'm pulling it again!

#429
- No, no... Back to work! - I'm pulling it again!

#430
Back to work!

#431
(pop music) You can do it, Dennis, because you're a winner.

#432
You haven't peaked. You haven't even begun to peak.

#433
But you're gonna peak today. You're gonna peak all over everybody.

#434
Make it work, Dennis.

#435
MAN: #Together forever And never to par

#436
#Together forever we two#

#437
- Make it work. - #And don't you know I would move#

#438
- There she is! - Dee, what are you doing?

#439
I'm having you arrested for slave labor.

#440
Slave labor? What the hell are you talking about?

#441
You bought some dresses from my brother, Dennis,

#442
that were made in a sweatshop in the basement of our bar.

#443
Do not listen to a word this woman says!

#444
- She is stark-raving mad! - She's a goddamn lunatic, okay?

#445
Those dresses were made by voluntary laborers who work for us

#446
on their own free will to feed their starving families

#447
n their home countries! - In a sweatshop!

#448
- In a sweatshop! - Not a sweatshop.

#449
- It is a sweatshop. - No, a working factory!

#450
Which makes you the biggest loser, Fatty Magoo.

#451
I didn't buy anything from your insane brother.

#452
- Really? - What?

#453
- Really. - So let me get this straight.

#454
Dennis has been lying to us the whole time?

#455
I don't know and I don't care.

#456
Wait a second. Fatty Magoo. Are you Ingrid Nelson?

#457
- Yes. - No shit!

#458
I'm Mark Dunlap. I knew you in high school. Wow!

#459
- You look terrific. - Thanks.

#460
And that would make you the Aluminum Monster.

#461
- Oh, man! You were all jacked up. - I don't remember.

#462
Remember that? With the back brace.

#463
And all that metal. (squeaking) And you were like...

#464
- You were like an Aluminum Monster. - Thank you.

#465
- That was the best name for it. - The only name for it.

#466
- You were so cute. - Oh, thanks.

#467
It was a lot of metal, man. Hey, hey, I used to know your brother.

#468
Now, he was a pretty cool guy. Whatever happened to him?

#469
Behold a winner in all his...

#470
Oh, shit. (sighs)

#471
What are you guys doing here?

#472
MAN: #Together forever And never to part

#473
#Together forever We two

#474
#And don't you know I would move heaven and earth

#475
#To be together forever With you

#476
#Together forever And never to part

#477
#Together forever We two

#478
#And don't you know I would move heaven and earth

#479
#To be together forever with...#

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