Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S07E04 — Sweet Dee Gets Audited

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 7, Episode 4 — Sweet Dee Gets Audited

#1
Hey, guys, why are the urinals filled with rocks?

#2
Oh, 'cause I put a bunch of rocks in them.

#3
Oh. Okay, why?

#4
Well, you know how they were broken, so I was, like, filling them with ice?

#5
Now the ice machine's broken, so I'm just filling 'em up with rocks.

#6
You know that doesn't make any sense, right?

#7
Replacing the ice with rocks?

#8
The ice actually served a purpose, Cha...

#9
Oh! Oh, God!

#10
Oh, something just dripped in my mouth!

#11
Yeah. Ceiling is leaking.

#12
Oh, that's gross. What'd it taste like?

#14
Dude, what the hell?

#15
You have been docking our paychecks lately

#16
so that you could pay for shit like this around the bar.

#17
- Why is nothing fixed? - Yeah, by the way,

#18
I never agreed to let you dock my paycheck.

#20
It costs money to run this place

#21
and keep it neat.

#22
Hey, oh!

#23
What's up, bitches?

#24
What the shit is this?

#25
New scooter. My surrogate money came in.

#26
Thirty Gs, babies.

#29
Whoa! Hey, Mac makes a really good point.

#30
Yeah, we worked our asses off on that baby scheme of yours.

#31
Give us part of the money that you made.

#33
You did nothing for nine months.

#34
Get out! You couldn't have pulled something like that off without us.

#35
Yeah, they drove you to the hospital, they picked you up

#36
I was there, I recall.

#37
Okay, I made all the contacts. I pushed that little monkey out,

#39
and getting tax breaks for the next 18 years.

#40
So you talk about a scheme? How's that for a long-term scheme, bitches?

#41
Uh, you guys all better eat a dick,

#42
'cause Sweet Dee beat the system.

#43
Ooh! No, no, no. Lady, sorry.

#44
Get out.

#45
Whatever god you're selling, I ain't buying it.

#46
Oh. Miss Reynolds, I'm with the IRS.

#48
Have you not received any of our letters?

#49
Letters? What is it, 1986?

#50
I don't do letters, lady. I'm all digital.

#51
Well, if you had opened up the letters,

#52
you would understand that you're being audited.

#53
Audited? Why? What are you talking about?

#54
I'm not scamming the government, if that's what you're saying.

#55
Your license plate says, "Scammin'."

#56
Uh, no.

#57
What do you mean, no?

#58
Yes.

#59
Okay. I want to talk to you about this dependent that you're claiming

#60
this, uh, Barnabas Reynolds.

#61
Yes, I would love that.

#62
I would love that because...

#63
...I love to talk about little Barney. I do.

#64
But now's not a great time. You know what I mean?

#65
Because I, I left him in the car

#66
with the window down, of course.

#67
It's hot. It's hot, isn't it?

#68
Well, is there a better time?

#69
Would 3:00 work?

#70
3:00 sounds great.

#71
I can't wait for 3:00.

#72
Hey, Frank.

#73
- We need to talk. - We don't want you making

#74
any major bar decisions alone anymore,

#75
because you're sleazy and we don't trust you.

#76
Yeah, we want to vote on things now, okay? We want a democracy.

#77
Well, that ain't gonna work.

#78
Because you guys get really emotional about everything.

#79
You'll start arguing about shit, and nothing will get done.

#80
We know we're emotional people, and we've discussed that.

#81
We think we have a solution.

#82
We're going to have a daily meeting

#83
where we will discuss all bar matters.

#84
Emotion will be suppressed, and reason will prevail.

#85
Reason will prevail!

#86
Oh, yeah, we decided also that we would say "Reason will prevail,"

#87
- every time someone says... - Reason will prevail!

#88
You don't have to say it right now

#89
because I'm just explaining to Frank that reason will prevail.

#90
Reason will prevail!

#91
Again, you don't have to say it right now. I'm just explaining...

#92
If we're going to say it, we're gonna say it every time.

#93
Hold it, hold it.

#94
Okay. Okay, I'll tell you what. I like this.

#95
- You do? - Yeah.

#96
We should definitely do this,

#97
to make everything fair, everything aboveboard.

#98
Let's go do it in there. Come on.

#99
The first meeting of Paddy's congress

#100
shall commence henceforth.

#101
- Oh, first order of business. - Yeah?

#102
Let's talk about how Frank handles the money.

#103
- Yes. - Money, money, money, money, money, money.

#104
Oh, whoa, whoa. I know we gotta talk about the money,

#105
but there are other issues that are pressing too.

#106
- Like what, dude? - Like one

#107
that comes to mind is the dead dog.

#108
What dead dog?

#109
The dead dog in the alley. It's been there for about a week.

#110
Yeah, and we decided that Charlie was gonna throw it in the trash.

#111
No, you decided that. We never got a vote.

#112
If Mac and I got to vote on that,

#113
we would have voted to, like, you know, have a proper dog burial.

#114
That's a waste of time and resources.

#117
I think the guys should have an opportunity to state their case

#118
in a rational and unemotional way.

#121
- Yeah, all right. No problem. - Okay.

#122
Uh, okay.

#123
Sometimes dogs die.

#124
Right! Um...

#126
die from cars sometimes, sometimes not.

#127
There's also disease.

#128
There's also disease in America

#129
and abroad.

#130
Many dogs...

#131
God damn it!

#132
I don't know how to express myself,

#133
unless through anger and personal attack!

#134
I'm getting upset because I'm not saying it right!

#135
Okay. All right, guys.

#136
- I want a dog funeral! - Guys, calm down.

#137
I'm going to step in here,

#138
and I'm gonna speak for you for a moment, if I may.

#139
I don't think it's a good idea for us to spend all of our hard-earned cash

#141
of what amounts to an animal carcass,

#142
an animal that we never knew...

#143
or had a relationship with.

#144
I'm gonna go ahead and say that I think we should just throw it in a dumpster.

#145
- Come on! No. - But, but, but,

#146
we'll have a candle on site. We'll light it.

#147
We'll have a boom box there, and you guys can say a few words.

#148
Huh.

#149
- I don't love it. - Me neither.

#150
But that dog is turning into hot soup out there in the sun.

#151
Okay.

#152
- Frank? - Fine.

#153
- Okay! - Hey! It works.

#154
See, Frank? We can get through these issues and be unemotional about it.

#155
That's one issue off the docket right there. Next issue,

#156
- let's talk about the money. - Money!

#157
Oh, yes, we're gonna talk about the money,

#158
but we have a list of things on the docket here that we gotta check off,

#159
and if we're gonna do it right, we're gonna do it right.

#160
And the next thing on the list is limes and how we slice them.

#161
Thick or thin?

#162
- Okay. Let's talk about the limes, guys. - We'll keep emotion out of it.

#163
- Reason will prevail. - Reason will prevail.

#164
Okay. I think the limes should be cut a bit thinner.

#165
What the hell? Thin limes?

#166
People will choke! People will die!

#167
- Calm down. - Charlie, Charlie, take emotion out of it.

#168
Charlie's got a point!

#169
One of the cornerstones of Paddy's Pub is thick limes.

#170
Yeah! Don't tell me...

#171
I'm gonna put my thumb through your eye, you little bitch!

#172
No, no, no. Shh. Stay calm, stay,

#173
hey, hey, hey, look at me. Look at me, eh?

#174
Stay calm with me, okay? Be unemotional.

#175
- Okay. - Let's, let's be democratic.

#176
- Let's put this thing to a vote. - A vote?

#177
A vote solves everything in a democracy, does it not?

#178
- Yes. - So,

#179
all for thinner limes, raise your hands.

#180
And all for thicker limes, raise your hands.

#181
Now there you go. That's a democracy in action.

#182
That's two votes against two votes.

#183
A perfect example of when democracy has failed.

#184
Good news, Dee!

#185
We have decided to occasionally let you vote

#186
on some pressing matters in the bar, as we see fit.

#187
- What? - Where do you land

#188
on thick limes or thin limes?

#189
And try and keep your emotions out of it,

#190
even though people could choke and die.

#191
What are you talking about?

#192
What's, what's going on in here?

#193
- Are you having another baby? - No! No.

#194
It's fine, okay? I have it all under control.

#195
I'm just... I'm getting audited.

#196
Audited? Oh, she's screwed.

#197
- That's a tax thing? - I'm not screwed.

#198
I've got it all under control. I've got a handle on it.

#199
I just gotta find a baby by 3:00 in the afternoon.

#200
- Just get out. Just get out now. - Hmm!

#201
A vote for thin limes would get me out of your apartment.

#202
Better yet, a vote for thick limes

#203
I'll throw myself full force into this little baby caper of yours.

#204
- I don't need your help. - Look, Dee,

#205
you need our help.

#206
We need your help. Let's work something out here.

#207
I don't know which stance you're gonna do,

#208
- and I wanna do it. - Stop standing like me.

#209
Okay, yeah. Let's help each other out, okay? I got an idea.

#210
You guys go magically find me a baby by 3:00 in the afternoon,

#211
and then I'll, I'll help you out with your lime problem.

#212
- Okay. - Yeah.

#213
What?

#214
- We can get you a baby. - Yeah, you want a baby,

#215
we'll get you a baby. No magic required.

#216
How many babies you need?

#217
- Just the one baby. - How long? Couple hours?

#218
- 3:00 this afternoon. - No, no. How long you need it for?

#219
You want it for life or you...

#220
- No, no. Just a short-time baby. - Just a short-time baby.

#221
Just a short-time baby.

#222
- Easy. - Oh, my God, you guys,

#223
this is so exciting.

#224
Oh, this is amazing. You have no idea how much you're helping me.

#225
Okay, let's see. Um,

#226
all right, I tell you what.

#227
Here's how to handle your lime situation.

#228
It has been decided.

#229
We are now the pickle party

#230
And Dee has joined us.

#231
We are going to vote for pickles in the bar instead of limes.

#232
What are you talking about?

#233
It doesn't matter. The point is,

#234
our three votes will always beat your two.

#235
We win, dude. We're the winners, okay? Give me a beer with a pickle in it.

#236
Well, what happens when you three disagree with each other?

#237
We're not going to disagree. That is the point of the pickle party.

#238
We're very aligned on these issues.

#239
Charlie, you can't just start your own party.

#240
- You got to talk to people... - Yes, you can.

#241
If you're not as educated or as informed,

#242
what you do is you start your own party and you yell the loudest.

#243
Okay. We want attention!

#244
Yeah. Okay. All right. Yeah, sure.

#245
No, you're the pickle party. Great.

#246
Okay, so let's just accept that and move on.

#247
Yes, Frank, move on.

#248
Reason will prevail.

#249
Pickles will prevail!

#250
Okay, well, the next issue on our list

#251
should be a pretty easy one for the pickle party to agree on.

#252
"A crucifix in the bar."

#253
Ah! You are right. This is an easy one.

#254
Why wouldn't we have a crucifix in the bar?

#255
'Cause we're a bar.

#256
Right, but we're an Irish Catholic bar.

#257
We're an Irish bar.

#258
Yeah, Irish Catholic bar, and therefore a

#259
giant wooden crucifix

#260
- is a celebration of our heritage. - Giant?

#261
- Yeah. - How big of a crucifix do you want?

#262
Big.

#263
It should be the centerpiece of the whole room.

#264
I mean, it should dominate every conversation.

#265
That's gonna be terrifying.

#266
It should be terrifying.

#267
That's how you know God loves you, Charlie.

#268
I don't want a giant, bloody man

#269
in the bar scaring the customers, and most importantly, me!

#270
- You see that, Frank? - I saw it.

#271
I just played them like a fiddle.

#272
A goddamn fiddle.

#273
What do you want?

#274
I want in on the action.

#275
Whatever it is that you got going on around here, I want a piece of it.

#276
Okay? You see, Frank,

#277
you might not know this, but you need me.

#278
People don't trust you, Frank.

#279
You're a piece of shit.

#280
And you're ugly and you ooze sleaze and you're very, very ugly.

#281
All right, I'm gonna make you my puppet.

#282
- Right here. - Puppet.

#283
Look, I've been cooking the books in the bar for years.

#284
- I freaking knew it. - All kinds of avenues

#285
and shell corporations.

#286
It's all fake, and it's all in here.

#287
- Oh. Let me see. - Check it out. Right there.

#288
Oh, man. Holy shit.

#289
What? What is this one? "Wolf Cola"?

#290
- Wolf Cola. - Mmm-hmm.

#291
That's a bogus soda distributor. I made it up.

#292
Yeah, it's fake!

#293
Look. The whole idea is, the more corporations

#294
that you can plant offshore...

#295
- Right. - The more money you can rake in.

#296
Da, da, da! I don't care about any of these details,

#297
but I like these figures I'm seeing. All right.

#298
I'll be the puppet and do my dance,

#299
and you can keep the goddamn details to yourself.

#300
Uh!

#301
I don't think I hear any arguing out there.

#302
So we can have the crucifix,

#303
but it needs to be in the back of the bar.

#304
See, I can live with that.

#305
That's a compromise right there, man.

#306
All right!

#307
Pickle party compromise!

#308
Huh, huh, huh! Tasteful crucifix party.

#309
Hey, hey, hey! All right!

#310
Sounds like you guys came to a compromise.

#311
That's great. We cross the crucifix issue off the list.

#312
One quick question before I do though.

#313
How bloody is this guy gonna be?

#314
- Not bloody at all. - Very bloody.

#315
- What? - No. He's gotta be drenched in blood.

#316
I mean, covered in blood.

#317
Why?

#318
Well, that's the whole point.

#319
- You need to see the wounds of Christ. - Oh, my God, dude.

#320
It's bad enough I'm gonna let you put

#321
the stupid cross up in the first place.

#322
Stupid cross? You son of a bitch, I knew it! I knew it!

#323
- It's a massacre! - I don't want to look at a massacre!

#324
So, according to our records,

#325
you are claiming a dependent for which you have no official documentation.

#326
Yes?

#327
Mmm.

#328
Are you okay? You're sweating profusely.

#329
Oh, no. Yes. Yes.

#330
I, um I'm just very worried.

#331
You know, the babysitters

#332
were supposed to bring the baby back by 3:00, and...

#333
Where are you? Where are you guys?

#334
I understand.

#335
Crying baby! Crying baby here!

#336
There's my sweet baby. Excuse me, won't you?

#337
Come on. Let's go.

#338
You guys! You've got a baby. Where did you find a baby?

#339
Oh, you guys, I love you so much. Where did you...

#340
Okay, Dee, which crucifix do you find more tasteful?

#341
Are out of your goddamn minds? What is this? Where's the baby?

#342
Do you wanna add kidnapping

#343
on top of all the other shit you got going on right now?

#344
We had a plan. We had a plan.

#345
She's totally buying it, okay? Come on. Make a decision.

#346
Yeah, but for how long? She could be out there for hours,

#347
and I have to produce a real baby!

#348
Stop thinking about your problems,

#349
and start thinking about our problems.

#350
You know, calm, calm down. Calm down.

#351
- You are so emotional right now. - And so wet too.

#352
Oh, my God, I'm gonna kill you.

#353
Okay, just shut up for a second. Let me think.

#354
All right, yes. Go to the bar.

#355
That'll get me out of here and buy me some time

#356
to get this bitch off my balls.

#357
Bye!

#358
Very, very sick baby. Very sick baby!

#359
It's so sad when they don't feel well, isn't it?

#360
Lock up, won't you, on your way out?

#361
And let's definitely reschedule.

#362
Let's do. Shh!

#363
Hey, yeah, so I was thinking about my title.

#364
Because I think it should be vice president of worldwide distribution.

#365
But you don't need a title. What I need you to do

#366
for the next three weeks is to deflect Mac and Charlie.

#367
That's easy. I can do that, Frank. That's what I'm good at.

#368
- Good, good, good. - But I am gonna need a business card,

#369
'cause I want to be able to hand that shit to people,

#370
so they know that I am in a place of power.

#371
It's not important.

#372
It's important to me, Frank!

#373
And I know that what's important to you is money and power,

#374
but I don't want real power, because with real power comes real responsibility,

#375
and I don't want any of that shit.

#376
I just want the money and the illusion of power.

#377
And puss.

#378
- What? - Hell, I don't know, Frank.

#379
- Yeah? - I don't know, man.

#380
What? Tell me. Tell me.

#381
I need something.

#382
I mean, I got this, uh...

#383
this giant gaping hole inside me.

#384
- Oh. - And I'm...

#385
I'm always trying to fill it. With something.

#386
I like to call it my, uh, my God hole.

#387
- Oh. - And I think a lot of people

#388
in this world, they, they fill it with religion.

#389
But I don't believe in God.

#390
But you want to fill it with pussy.

#391
Yeah.

#392
- Yo! - Hey, Dennis and Frank, you here?

#393
Yeah, oh, oh! Good.

#394
Guys, we gotta help Dee with her tax audit situation.

#395
So, Dennis, please, if you could take the floor.

#396
Wait, wait. What tax audit situation?

#397
Oh, right. Okay, so Dee's baby scheme blew up in her face,

#398
and now she's getting audited.

#399
Deandra, did you tell the IRS you work here?

#400
Of course I did.

#401
We can't have the IRS looking around our books.

#402
Why? What's wrong with our books?

#403
Let me step in here. Um, I think what you're trying to say

#404
is that the IRS poking around our bar business is no good for anyone.

#405
Look, it's gonna be best for all of us...

#406
to get the IRS off of Dee's back.

#407
- Okay. - So,

#408
as the only rational and emotionless person here,

#409
I'm gonna tell you guys what we need to do.

#410
See, you've all been trying to convince the IRS that Dee's baby is alive.

#411
What you really need to be doing

#412
is convincing the IRS that Dee's baby

#413
is dead.

#414
This is dark.

#415
- Darkest thing we've ever done. - Mmm-hmm.

#416
Uh, hello.

#417
- I'm looking for Dee Reynolds. - Yes.

#418
Won't you have a seat please?

#419
What's going on?

#420
- Baby croaked. - Oh, uh, yes.

#421
Oh, oh, my God.

#422
- This is insane, right? - Mmm-hmm.

#423
I mean, this definitely feels

#424
- like emotion trumping reason, correct? - Yep.

#425
Also, dude, I'm sorry,

#426
but is this the size you had in mind?

#427
Yes.

#428
- It's too big. - It's not too big.

#429
You should just be happy I didn't spray it down yet.

#430
No. You're not getting any more blood. That's it.

#431
"He was my sweet angel."

#432
All right, Dee, here we go. It's showtime. Are you ready?

#433
- Okay. I have a couple of questions. - Yup.

#434
I'm getting nervous, Dennis, 'cause I don't think

#435
I can do the speech that you wrote.

#436
Let me hear some of it.

#437
And this is the thing. I can't--I can't cry on command.

#438
Jesus Christ, Dee.

#439
I mean, how are you planning on becoming an actress at all?

#440
You can't make people laugh, 'cause you're not funny.

#441
You can't cry on command. What can you do?

#442
- I can try harder, but it's just that... - All right, well,

#443
the good news is I anticipated this so I brought...

#444
- What's that? - Little bit of chili powder.

#445
I'm gonna blow this directly into your eyes, and trust me, you'll cry.

#446
Okay. Wait. Is that safe though? Is this...

#447
Well, it's you know, it's safe enough. Let's give it a try, huh?

#448
- Okay. What no, no, no, no, no! - Shh, shh, shh.

#449
Oh, shit!

#450
Shh, shh, shh.

#451
Okay, listen, listen. Save it, save it!

#452
We're starting. Ready? We're starting, Dee. Break a leg.

#453
Son of a...

#454
It's really heavy. What did Frank put in there?

#455
The urinal rocks.

#456
- Oh. Coming in handy, huh? - Yeah.

#457
Oh, this is a very sad day for the...

#458
- entire Paddy's Pub family. - Mmm-hmm.

#459
At times like this, I...

#460
I like to quench my thirst with a delicious Wolf Cola.

#461
Ah! There's nothing like that...

#462
to wash away the sorrow.

#463
Hear, hear.

#464
That's my bit. Now,

#465
it's time for the grieving mother.

#466
Uh, oh.

#467
Hello, everyone.

#468
Ah, God.

#469
Thank you so much for coming.

#470
It's such a sad day, isn't it?

#471
Oh, little Barney!

#472
You were my special angel.

#473
And only angels can fly. Good God. Sorry.

#474
Sob. Sob, you bitch.

#475
Oh, it hurts!

#476
God, it hurts! The pain inside!

#477
God, it hurts so bad.

#478
Okay, that's enough.

#479
- Oh, my God, I'm sorry. - Okay, Dee.

#480
I'm sorry, I just...

#481
- Are my eyes bleeding? - Ahhh!

#482
- Oh, my God, is there blood? - Okay.

#483
Is there blood? You son of a bitch!

#484
Wow! Heavy stuff, guys.

#485
Heavy stuff. Heavy subject matter.

#486
Anyway, uh, Barney,

#487
you died too young

#488
before you could walk,

#489
before you could talk,

#490
and before you had the chance to get together the proper paperwork,

#491
all that paperwork that you need to prove--

#492
oh, thank you so much.

#493
Wolf Cola, everyone.

#494
It's the right cola for closure.

#495
Let's talk about closure, 'cause that...

#496
- Can I talk to you for a second? - Yeah.

#497
- Dude, something stinks. - I know, I know.

#498
Have you noticed that all we wanted to do was talk about our money...

#499
- Right. - ...and then we kept getting pushed

#500
into talking about other things?

#501
And then when we'd leave, Frank and Dennis became all buddy buddy?

#502
Yeah, there were a lot of backroom dealings going on in here, you know?

#503
What the hell is this?

#504
"Dennis Reynolds, Executive Vice President

#505
of Worldwide Distribution, Wolf Cola."

#506
What the hell, dude?

#507
Now I'm getting pissed off,

#508
you know, 'cause I think those two are conspiring against us.

#509
Let's go out there and expose these sons of bitches for who they are.

#510
And the most important thing to remember is that this whole thing is over.

#511
- Right? - Dead.

#512
Every single person in this room has to move on.

#513
That's excellent. Excellent, Dennis! Thank you. Thank you.

#514
Now we would like to pay our respects to the dead baby.

#515
And in the Christian tradition,

#516
we're gonna open up the casket to take one last look at his tiny corpse.

#517
- You don't want to do that. - Don't...

#518
What is happening?

#519
This is what you get when you mess with the pickle party.

#520
Pickle party.

#521
Prepare for your hearts to turn to stones!

#522
No, no!

#523
Ugh!

#524
What the hell is that?

#525
It's the dead dog from the alleyway.

#526
I was compromising.

#527
I figured we'd give it a proper burial.

#528
Okay. Well, I'm done here.

#529
Well, I'll tell you what.

#530
Dee's definitely going down in this audit.

#531
I think we're all going down, Charlie.

#532
Okay, you know what? Here...

#533
Let's vote on something once and for all.

#534
Everybody in favor of Frank not making all of the decisions

#535
in the bar anymore, raise your hands.

#536
Great, that's settled. Even he's on board. Okay.

#537
And finally, all in favor

#538
of going back to the old system of organized chaos,

#539
where emotion trumps reason every single time

#540
and we just yell at each other

#541
to get the shit that we want, raise your hands.

#542
Fantastic!

#543
I've got a few things I'd like to yell about now, so we can all start.

#544
- You opened the casket! - My eyes!

#545
My eyes!

#546
I'll take care of you.

#547
Why are your eyes bleeding?

#548
Why the hell did you open the casket?

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