Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S03E06 — The Gang Solves the North Korea Situation

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 3, Episode 6 — The Gang Solves the North Korea Situation

#1
DEE: You're definitely gonna get this one. You ready?

#3
He knew that if the gooks were to get their hands on the watch,

#4
they would take it. So he shoved it... up his ass!

#5
- I have no idea what you're doing. - Why, it's Christopher Walken!

#6
It sounded like Rosie Perez or something.

#7
Come on! That was a perfect Walken, it's gonna win me the talent show.

#8
- What talent show? - The one I throw for the pub crawl.

#9
- Are you doing that again? - Mm-hmm.

#10
Yeah, well, it's not really a talent show anyway.

#11
She just gets the most untalented people in Philly

#12
to enter the competition... so she can win it,

#13
and then she never wins it anyway. - No. Last year she got smoked

#14
by this chick who ate, like, 50 hot dogs in three seconds.

#15
- That was amazing! - That was not talent.

#16
Guys! I got some news! Some terrible news! We got a huge problem.

#17
Can we stop for a second and talk about this?

#18
- What? - What's with that jacket?

#19
- I was gonna wait on that. - We should go over the jacket now.

#20
- No, let's hear about it now. - First of all, it's not a jacket.

#21
It's a duster. It's like a jacket,

#22
only it's longer, thicker and far more badass.

#23
I look like Lorenzo Lamas, and women find it irresistible.

#24
- That part's just simply not true. - Either way, I like it.

#25
I bought it with the money I was gonna make at the pub crawl.

#26
Here's the problem. You know that Korean barbecue joint

#27
down the street? Mr. Kim's? They just signed up for the pub crawl.

#28
- Which means they're the last stop! - They can't be the last stop.

#29
We're always the last stop! That's the only time of year we make money!

#30
They're also experimenting with a secret microbrew.

#31
Word on the street is that it's delicious and powerful!

#32
Bullshit! We're the microbrew guys!

#33
- They can't take that! - Wait. You guys have a microbrew?

#34
- Yes! We make a delicious... - Really?

#35
- Amazing microbrew! - Oh, it's amazing.

#36
They throw all the skunk beer into a trash can.

#37
And then they sell it for 10 dollars a glass.

#38
The point is we cannot let these Koreans steal our thunder!

#39
They wanna make a top secret microbrew...

#40
- We gotta make ours more powerful! - Right! We'll make it so strong

#41
that people will pass out and vomit and vomit in their own pass out.

#42
They'll never leave and go to Kim's in the first place!

#43
I will make this year's talent show the best talent show ever.

#44
- Let the men talk! - We're in the middle

#45
of an emergency here! - Guys, we gotta move on this.

#46
- It's the damn North Koreans! - Damn North Koreans.

#47
Wait. What makes you think they're North Koreans?

#48
(scoffs) That's the bad Korea.

#49
They're the sneaky, bad Korea, man.

#50
The ones on the top and they sneak down and they eat everybody's pets.

#51
I can't stand it! It's un-American! All right, goddamn it. That's it.

#52
They're gonna take our way of life from us. It's bullshit.

#53
Okay, gang. Let's solve this North Korea situation once and for all.

#54
(liquid splashing)

#55
- All right, that's enough. - No, no, no.

#56
- That's enough moonshine! - No!

#57
Look, we don't want people to go blind!

#58
- You can never have enough. - Goddamn it.

#59
Trust me on this. I know what I'm talking about.

#60
How's it taste? (both gagging)

#61
We gotta lace it with somethin' sweeter.

#62
We gotta add a little sweetening. Oh, Deandra.

#63
Could you be a darling and run down and get Daddy some antifreeze?

#64
We don't want to kill people. You're not getting this.

#65
I can't help you guys. I have a very busy day.

#66
I'm auditioning people all day long. And also, you're not my dad.

#67
Winning a talent show that you throw for yourself...

#68
s just about the saddest thing you've ever done, Dee.

#69
Listen. If this is all about boosting your self-confidence,

#70
why don't you go out and bang a bunch of random dudes

#71
like you did in the good old days?

#72
This talent show's very important to me. All right?

#73
And I'm not gonna let you guys steamroll me like you always do.

#74
Why don't you get Charlie and Dennis to help you?

#75
Dennis and Charlie are out collecting intelligence.

#76
Oh! You're playing spies now?

#77
Intel is the name of the game, Dee. It's all about the intelligence!

#78
- You picked the wrong two people. - Maybe so.

#79
But we do have a secret weapon.

#80
That would've been a lot better if I was wearing the duster, dude.

#81
It doesn't fit you. It's too big for you.

#82
That's why it's so awesome on me. It's like,

#83
- "Why's the guy in a giant jacket?" - Why do you take this away from me?

#84
"What is he hiding, dude?" I just wish you'd let me do it.

#85
- Can we just snoop around a little? - We can snoop around.

#86
- But I should wear the duster. - No, I'm wearing the duster.

#87
- That's the end of it. (groans) - Fine.

#88
We should drink a couple of these microbrews.

#89
That's what people on the pub crawl are gonna do.

#90
Two microbrews, please. (imitates gunshot)

#91
All right. What is this? "Pub Crawl Karaoke Contest"?

#92
Bro, "Prize, 500 dollars"? That's not good.

#93
- Aw, shit. - Look at that bracket.

#94
Do you think that's... That's what that's for?

#95
- That's for the karaoke contest. - Oh, my God, dude.

#96
- There's a lot of names on there. - That's huge.

#97
Bracketing is a very intricate and difficult thing to do, man.

#98
- They got it down. - I gotta get this intel to Mac.

#99
Well, hold on that because we want to try the...

#100
- What? The microbeers? - Yes.

#101
- Here we go. - Thank you. Thank you.

#102
- Oh, shit. - Goddamn it.

#103
- That's good. That's... - That is really good. That is...

#104
- Mmm! - Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

#105
- Son of a bitch, that's good. - They're putting somethin' in that.

#106
'Cause you can't just make beer like that.

#107
- What do you mean? - Like they're enriching it?

#108
- Are they enriching the... - You cannot...

#109
- They're enriching the beers. - They're enriching their beer.

#110
- That's definitely enriched beer. - That's an enriched beer, dude.

#111
I've only tried enriched beer like once.

#112
They're not allowed to have the capabilities to enrich beer here.

#113
What is going on in this place? Look at all these people, man.

#114
- They're like, being brainwashed. - Oh, there's like brainwash...

#115
Notice how they're all happy and smiling...

#116
'cause they're drinking enrich... - How old was the bartender? 16? 60?

#117
You have no idea. They're timeless.

#118
- They're endless and timeless. - We are in big trouble here, man.

#119
Oh, shit! Look at that door, dude. See that door right there?

#120
The one marked "pirate"? You think a pirate lives in there? (sighs)

#121
I see a door marked "private".

#122
Is that the door you were talkin' about?

#123
- No, I was talking a... - Yeah.

#124
- I didn't say... What did you hear? - No...

#125
I heard you say you saw a door marked "pirate".

#126
And "Is there a pirate living in there?"

#127
Why would there be a pirate living in a Korean restaurant?

#128
Are we gonna talk about pirates all day?

#129
Or we gonna find out who lives in there?

#130
All right. Jesus Christ, man.

#131
- Here we go. - What's wrong? Come on, open it.

#132
- It's locked. - All right, I'm gonna try this out.

#133
- What is that? Your apartment key? - Yes.

#134
- I'll see if it works here. - That's not gonna work!

#135
- Why not? - We're not at your apartment!

#136
How many possible lock combinations can there be?

#137
- So many! Hundreds of millions. - Eventually they'll overlap.

#138
- They're not ever gonna over... - You're right. It's not working.

#139
- Oh, no shit. - No shit. It was worth a try.

#140
It was not worth a try. Move over. I'm gonna, like,

#141
kick the door or some shit. - You're gonna kick it?

#142
- Really? - Damn, dude.

#143
- This thing is like... - What?

#144
enriched in its own way. - Let me try something else.

#145
- Try a spin kick. Try a spin kick. - Spin kick?

#146
- Yeah. You think you can do it? - I'm not even sure... Okay.

#147
Sons of... All right, I'm gonna kick. You ram.

#148
Go!

#149
Nice. Good.

#150
- How is that not working? - No, I don't know.

#151
- Are you okay? - Yeah, I'm all right.

#152
We're gonna do that some more. But let's get some more enriched beer.

#153
I'm gonna call Mac and give him the intel.

#154
Holy shit!

#155
See what else you can find out and call me back. Good work.

#156
- Forget the microbrew. - What's the intel?

#157
They're having a karaoke contest.

#158
I'm elevating us to threat level yellow. It's time.

#159
- Yellow? - Yeah. It's time.

#160
- What were we before? - Orange, of course.

#161
Orange is much more threatening than yellow!

#162
No, that's an old system. It doesn't work anymore.

#163
Clearly yellow... You go from yellow to orange to red!

#164
- Frank, this is orange! You see? - Yellow, orange, red!

#165
- This is yellow! See this? - Red, red!

#166
- Is this more threatening? - Yellow, orange, red!

#167
- It's backwards going to yellow. - Wow.

#168
- Elevate... - Color fight. Listen.

#169
I need you monkeys outta here 'cause my contestants are waiting.

#170
That's a no can do and I'll tell you why.

#171
The Koreans escalated the conflict. I've upgraded us to yellow.

#172
- I don't know what that means. - We're taking over the talent show.

#173
- What? No, you're not! - It's already done.

#174
Go on. I knew it. I told you. You're trying to steamroll me.

#175
It's not gonna work. I'm gonna win this competition.

#176
There's nothing you guys can do about it.

#177
You're not even gonna be in it, Dee. You have to face facts.

#178
- You have no talent. - You're talentless, sweetie.

#179
Oh, really? Oh, is that so?

#180
Why don't you take a gander at this? (clears throat)

#181
"No, Mookie. I don't wanna do it. It's too hot outside."

#182
(laughs) Right?

#183
- What was that? - What the hell is that?

#184
- Rosie Perez! - What?

#185
- That's terrible. - Oh, come on! You love that one!

#186
You know what, Dee? You're a judge. That's it. Dee's gonna be a judge.

#187
And you know why? Because sitting in judgment of other people

#188
s the greatest way to make yourself feel better. Problem solved.

#189
(grunts) And go. All right, again.

#190
And go. You might have to give me the duster back.

#191
- It's not working, man. - Aw, it'll work. Go!

#192
All right, it's not working, dude. I gotta use your head or something.

#193
Yes, yes. Hold me sideways and use my head like a battering ram.

#194
Now pick me up off the ground, okay?

#195
Why are you people ruining my door?

#196
- Yes! All right. Yeah. - Good! Hello!

#197
- Are you the owner? - I owner. I Mr. Kim.

#198
- All right. - Okay, good. Well, Mr...

#199
- Wait. You say Mr. Kim? - Yes! I Mr. Kim!

#200
Wow. You should really do something different with your hair because...

#201
You're not coming across at all like a man to me.

#202
- You don't look or seem like a man. - Look...

#203
If you don't tell us what's in that microbrew, so help me, God,

#204
we will send you people back to the Stone Age.

#205
I no respond to bully!

#206
(laughs) What are you gonna do about it?

#207
You're messin' with the wrong country, pal!

#208
That's an act of aggression right there, buddy!

#209
- Every Asian know martial arts? - They learn it when they grow up.

#210
It's like school. (speaking Korean)

#211
Yes! (Korean)

#212
Okay, okay. Okay!

#213
DENNIS: Oh, God. Jesus! - That guy is such a dickhead!

#214
You don't have to take that from him. I hope you know that.

#215
If I don't do what he say, he punish me!

#216
He terrible man, okay? Always, "Work, work, work!"

#217
- He treat me like slave! - Slave?

#218
- He's got slaves? - He's has slaves in there?

#219
What kind of a communist dictatorship

#220
s this piece of shit running? - Hey, I no phone, no TV!

#221
I not even allowed to drink the beer!

#222
What? No!

#223
- No! That is not acceptable! - You're mad about the beer thing?

#224
I'm very. Are you not mad about the beer thing?

#225
- Of course I am. - You should be able to drink.

#226
That's what happens in America. In America, you drink beer. Look.

#227
I'll tell you what. You come down to Paddy's Pub, all right?

#228
We'll let you drink all the beer you want.

#229
You can smoke your cigarettes. You won't have to deal with the trash

#230
'cause I deal with the trash. - He takes out the trash.

#231
- Me trash. - He captures the rats.

#232
- You beer, me trash, okay? - I beer, you trash!

#233
I trash, yes! (laughs) (Korean)

#234
Okay! (Korean)

#235
Holy shit, bro. Did you just see that?

#236
Yeah. She made a meaningful gesture towards me.

#237
She made... No, dude. She was gesturing to me.

#238
(scoffs) I had my arm out like this.

#239
- Yeah, why were you doing that? - 'Cause she extended to me.

#240
And then there was stuff in the eyes between us.

#241
- And my arm was at her. - All right.

#242
- Sure, pal. - Wha...

#243
#But the dog was buried By the bright sunlight

#244
#And the old man died In his sleep last night

#245
#And the young girl Never did get...#

#246
All right! That's enough. That's enough. Thank you.

#247
Well, Martha, you are terrible.

#248
I wanted to pluck out my eyes and jam them into my ears.

#249
I wanted to pummel you with a manhole cover.

#250
- There is no point to you. - Oh, no...

#251
(slurring) Sweetie, I thought you were really talented.

#252
And I liked it, what you had on your fingers.

#253
And your hair is so...

#254
It's like it has a bulb on the front of it.

#255
It just wasn't happening for me, dog. I mean...

#256
- What? - No, dog. I was not...

#257
It was the finger cymbals need work.

#258
- Oh! - And the jewelry and everything...

#259
It was... It was just okay, dog.

#260
- Is it a yes or no, Frank? Dee? - It's gotta be no, dog.

#261
Oh, I just think you're so full of magic.

#262
- You're like a big, round wizard. - Right. Well, it's a no from me.

#263
So... off you go, Martha. (sobs)

#264
- Why did you get so drunk? (scoffs) - You got drunk!

#265
I'm just really exhausted. What's in that cup?

#266
- Rum and Cokes. - Why are you getting wasted?

#267
Maybe because you dicks stole my talent show.

#268
- Do you have any idea how import... - "You have any idea..."

#269
We're trying to save the pub crawl. This is what you're doing?

#270
(bellowing) You know what'll happen if the North Koreans take over?

#271
- They'll ruin our way of life! - Get your shit together, dog!

#272
Next!

#273
#Duster Look out, man

#274
#Here comes a brother The man is in a duster

#275
#He's a superfine Fantastic man

#276
#He loves to wear his du...#

#277
Oh, my God! (giggles)

#278
Oh, my God! You scared me. What are you doing?

#279
- I run away. - Okay.

#280
Good. Uh... What are you doing here?

#281
I follow you home because I like you. (giggles)

#282
Nice. Good. I... 'Cause I knew...

#283
I knew that... Right on! Okay.

#284
- Wait. All the way home? - Yes.

#285
So you saw me eat that Hot Pocket I found in the garbage?

#286
- Yes. - Any thoughts on that?

#287
- No. - Oh, man. I like you.

#288
- Come on in. - I like you.

#289
(laughs) Yeah.

#290
(TV: cartoon soundtrack)

#291
Hello there, Dennis. It's Charlie.

#292
Hey, you're never gonna guess who showed up at my...

#293
That's a very good guess. Congratulations.

#294
But the point is that I've defeated you at this little game of hearts

#295
and minds so that... No, don't come over.

#296
No, dude. I don't want you to come over, dude. Don't c...

#297
(scoffs) Dennis, don't come over. Then why... No, I'm not scared.

#298
I just don't want you comin'... Goddamn it! No! Why did I call him?

#299
(slurring) Good evening. I need to speak to Mr. Kim, please.

#300
- I Mr. Kim. - Hmm.

#301
All right. Uh, Mr. Kim, my name is...

#302
R-Rita F-Fire... s.

#303
Hmm, Fires. And I am from the National Health Inspectors...

#304
Uh, Store. And I need to...

#305
I need to make sure that your secret microbrew is up to code.

#306
- Health inspector? - Oh, you bet your ass, Kim.

#307
Okay, all right! I just... God!

#308
I just want your stupid recipe!

#309
- You... terrible actress. - Wait! Okay.

#310
(chuckles) Hmm, I'll sleep with you.

#311
Your breath smell like vomit. (whimpers)

#312
Okay, but... (muttering)

#313
I know recipe.

#314
- You do? - Well, what... What is it?

#315
Offer still stand?

#316
- All right. Where is she? - Ah, dude,

#317
you might as well turn right back around, man.

#318
- 'Cause she's in love with me. - Uh, yeah, I doubt that.

#319
- Hi. - We have so much in common,

#320
you're not gonna believe. - Like what?

#321
- Uh, we both like pizza. - Pizza!

#322
Well, I like pizza. Everybody loves pizza.

#323
Oh, good. We both hate mean people.

#324
- Who likes mean people? - We don't like mean people.

#325
- Well, neither do I. - We both think kissing's gross.

#326
- How is kissing gross? - We just don't like it.

#327
- We're not into it. Probably... - Sticky.

#328
Is it sticky? It's, like, there's candy and beer in your mouth.

#329
How is it sticky? From candy and beer?

#330
- I don't know. - This is bullshit.

#331
Clearly there's some kind of language-barrier thing happening.

#332
So I'm gonna go ahead and pop this shirt off

#333
and finish this thing once and for all, Charles.

#334
Charlie? He smell like dog fart. (laughs)

#335
- She says you smell like dog fart. - Oh, yeah?

#336
- Take it off. Take it off for us. - Dog fart, huh?

#337
(laughing, hollering)

#338
(fly buzzing)

#339
(groans)

#340
(snoring) (gasps)

#341
Am I in America?

#342
(chattering) (jukebox: rock) Ladies.

#343
- Nice turnout, huh? (sighs) - Yeah.

#344
But I'm getting a little nervous here.

#345
I've heard some rumblings about Mr. Kim's, okay?

#346
- We gotta keep these people here. - Don't worry, Mac. I got a plan.

#347
Mac, I got problems, man.

#348
I can see that. Why are you wearing the duster with no shirt?

#349
I'm trying to get my mojo back. Charlie and I have been competing...

#350
over the same Korean chick, and he's like totally winning.

#351
Why are you wearing my duster with no shirt?

#352
This is the perfect combination. Do I really have to explain this?

#353
- Are you kidding me? - Explain it to me.

#354
Black leather duster... Tough, muscular dude underneath it,

#355
nside of it. Very sexual.

#356
- Check this out. Check this out. DENNIS: What's with the hose?

#357
Hang on. I'm gonna spray it on the women's tops.

#358
We get a better look at their talents if their shirts are wet.

#359
- Wet T-shirt contest. I like that. - Wait, Frank. Frank.

#360
How are we gonna have a wet T-shirt contest without girls?

#361
- We never got any contestants. - We use the girls that are here.

#362
They don't even know they're contestants.

#363
You can't just blast people with a hose in a bar. They will leave.

#364
- Lock the door. - No, that's not gonna work.

#365
MAC: Frank, go get your gun. Perfect. Go over to Mr. Kim.

#366
- Convince him to close for the day. - I can do that.

#367
- Oh, excuse us! - Excuse us, please.

#368
- Excuse us! Hey-oh! - Hey-oh!

#369
I love when you say it!

#370
We are so happy. And do you know why?

#371
- We just got engaged. - Yes!

#372
- You guys just got engaged? - Yes!

#373
- Yes. - Now we're engaged.

#374
Do you want to have some champagne?

#375
We'll have some champagne to celebrate this.

#376
Come on. Champagne!

#377
Did you guys happen to catch what Sun-Li was wearing?

#378
- White tank top. - A white tank top.

#379
Exactly. I thought we could talk Charlie into having her enter

#380
the wet T-shirt contest. - Yeah, yeah.

#381
We'll tell him it's all a part of Dee's talent show.

#382
Right. When she jumps up on the stage,

#383
we'll blast her with the water. The crowd will go crazy.

#384
The other girls are gonna want to join in.

#385
And we will save the bar. And then she'll break up with Charlie,

#386
ruining any hopes for happiness that that son of a bitch ever had.

#387
I agree with the first part. But the second part seems incredibly harsh.

#388
- That's the best goddamn part! - Look, you guys deal with that.

#389
I'm gonna go take care of Mr. Kim.

#390
- Yeah, what do you want... - Boom!

#391
- What the hell is this? - Oh,

#392
only Mr. Kim's secret microbrew recipe.

#393
It's in Korean. What am I supposed to do with this?

#394
Maybe I can get Sun-Li to translate it for us.

#395
Sun-Li? Hi. Could you read this for us, please?

#396
Okay.

#397
"Bony American is dirty, dirty whore.

#398
"She bring much shame to herself and country."

#399
Great. Good work, Dee.

#400
You really topped yourself this year, Sis.

#401
Charlie, can we talk to you for a sec?

#402
- You whore? - Mm-hmm.

#403
Good. (sighs)

#404
What you want?

#405
I'm gonna have to ask you to shut this place down.

#406
I am shut down. Look around, you jerk! No one here.

#407
Yeah, I was kinda wondering about that. What's up?

#408
My daughter, Sun-Li, she is missing!

#409
- Korean broad? - You seen her?

#410
Uh, no.

#411
Oh, she no come home last night!

#412
Well, I'm sure she's gonna come back.

#413
She probably just met some guy.

#414
What you talking about? You sick freak!

#415
Sun-Li only 12 years old!

#416
- What? - She just 12-year-old girl!

#417
Oh, shit!

#418
Attention, everybody. Hey, attention.

#419
Our first contestant hails from North Korea.

#420
That's right, North Korea, everybody.

#421
She's gonna be doing something or other.

#422
And then we're gonna blast her with water from a hose.

#423
It's gonna be great, right? You're gonna want to stick around for this.

#424
And listen, ladies, if you wanna get in on this action,

#425
please do not hesitate to do so.

#426
Okay, take it away. (giggles)

#427
- All set. - Uh, wait a second.

#428
You're gonna blast my fiancée with water,

#429
exposing her breasts to this entire crowd?

#430
- Yeah, man. Is that cool? - That's very cool.

#431
Awesome. All right, Sun-Li, hit it!

#432
#Oh, Great Leader We come to enjoy you

#433
#You make sun and moon In the sky

#434
#The earth is spinning Because of your laughter#

#435
- She's bombing. Blast her. - All righty.

#436
All right, everybody! Three, two...

#437
(gasps) One!

#438
- Oh, God! What are you doing? - Come on, Frank! Son of a bitch!

#439
- The wet T-shirt contest is off! - Why?

#440
- She's only 12 years old! - What? (murmuring)

#441
- You're just 12? - Twelve, Charlie!

#442
- Oh, shit. - That actually explains a lot.

#443
Where are you guys going? You guys don't have to leave!

#444
No, stay, drink! We didn't know she was 12.

#445
(clamoring) Goddamn it!

#446
- Well, there goes the pub crawl. - Oh, son of a bitch.

#447
- Well, I feel better about myself. - Why?

#448
Uh, all I did was sleep with a toothless, oily busboy for a recipe.

#449
- Charlie banged a 12 year old. - No, I didn't.

#450
- What? - I didn't even kiss that girl.

#451
- Like, nothing happened. - Really?

#452
Yeah, absolutely. I can't believe you banged a toothless busboy.

#453
(guys chuckling)

#454
- Those goddamn North Koreans. - They are some sneaky bastards.

#455
- Yeah. - Yep.

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