Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S03E07 — The Gang Sells Out

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 3, Episode 7 — The Gang Sells Out

#1
FRANK: Goddamn, I'm bored!

#2
- Come on. Let's do something. DENNIS: We're a little busy, Frank.

#3
- What the hell are you reading? - "In Touch".

#4
In Touch? Why would you read that crap?

#5
We're trying to stay "in touch" with what's happening.

#6
Sorry if we like to keep ourselves informed.

#7
Wanna be informed? Read a newspaper.

#8
Dude! Nobody gets their news from a newspaper anymore.

#9
No, no, no. But, Dennis, look. "Plutonium smuggled into Syria."

#10
(gasps) That's gonna change my life drastically.

#11
Everyone's lives! No one can go to Syria anymore for vacation!

#12
Don't you get tired of doing nothin' except sitting around drinking?

#13
- What? Is that a joke? - How could you get tired of that?

#14
Hey-oh! What's up, bitches? What is up?

#15
Turn the TV on right now, dude! This is huge! Turn the TV on!

#16
- I'm gonna be on the news! - Oh, my God.

#17
There was an accident. The news talker asked Mac what happened.

#18
- He totally went off! - I went off for 20 minutes.

#19
- It was amazing. I totally popped. - You did. You're gonna be famous.

#20
Shut up! Shut up!

#21
This is Ken Jacobs coming to you from Market Street

#22
where two buses collided just minutes ago.

#23
We talked to one local resident who had this to say.

#24
It was absolutely crazy.

#25
Police are currently investigating the cause of the accident.

#26
Back to you, Jim.

#27
What the hell was that?

#28
- You really popped. - I think you're gonna be a star.

#29
A big star. Be in a magazine.

#30
I talked for 20 minutes about how the traffic system sucks.

#31
And that we should only have yellow lights

#32
because then we can be very cautious but not get stuck in traffic.

#33
That sounds incredibly dangerous and stupid.

#34
The point is that bastard newscaster just went there and cut it all up

#35
just to make his corporate bosses happy, which is bullshit.

#36
- Nobody's getting real news! - That's not real news.

#37
Remember when we made the news for 8th grade for social studies?

#38
- That was real news. - We didn't distort facts!

#39
- We told it like it was. - Yes!

#40
I remember that video.

#41
You guys were burning G.I. Joes and throwing rocks at cats.

#42
- That was what was happening! - That's what was going on!

#43
That was the truth.

#44
We'd been throwing rocks at cats for years, Dennis.

#45
We had been! And that's what we were reporting on.

#46
- We can make better news. - We could.

#47
- Want me to grab my camera? - Yes. Just like the old days.

#48
Let's go out there. Let's make some news.

#49
I want in on this action because I am bored to death sitting here.

#50
That's a bad idea. Usually when you get involved, somebody gets hurt.

#51
That's ridiculous. I'm just palling around with the guys.

#52
How's anybody gonna get hurt?

#53
- How much more tape? - I don't want it to jiggle around.

#54
I don't want to put any more tape. I'm the one carrying it.

#55
What are you guys doing?

#56
I've put a light on the front of the camera.

#57
It makes the news talker look brighter.

#58
- It looked fine when we did it. - Frank's got a good idea here.

#59
We're gonna put this stuff on public access TV.

#60
- Anybody can get on that! - Yeah.

#61
What? Nobody watches that shit!

#62
Dude, there's all sorts of great stuff on public access.

#63
Is there? Well, let's see what kind of quality programming we have here.

#64
(techno music)

#65
- What is this? - This is public access.

#66
DENNIS: God, that is so strange. DEE: Ew.

#67
MAC: Should I turn it off? - No! Well, don't jump to...

#68
- Keep it on for a little bit. - Let's watch it for a little while.

#69
Do it. (laughs)

#70
- Get after it. - Yeah, yeah.

#71
FRANK: Let's turn it off! Turn it off! Shut it off!

#72
Okay. We're gonna go down to the power plant

#73
and talk about how it's giving the whole city cancer.

#74
- Holy shit! I didn't know that! - He's making it up, Charlie.

#75
- Why would you do that? - That's a great story!

#76
It scares the shit out of everybody. Everybody will be terrified.

#77
We don't want to just scare people.

#78
We want to blow the lid off of real scandals.

#79
- Expose real crime and corruption. - What?

#80
People don't care about that shit.

#81
They want glitz, glamour, celebrities.

#82
They wanna read shit that helps them forget how miserable they are.

#83
Pretend to know what it's like to be famous

#84
'cause that's what everybody wants.

#85
Everybody wants to be famous 'cause celebrities get everything.

#86
Easiest job in the world.

#87
You don't even have to do anything anymore to be famous.

#88
No. Look at Paris Hilton. She's just a dirty, drunken whore.

#89
You could be famous, you're a dirty, drunk whore already.

#90
I'm not. But I could be famous if I just got drunk, went out to a club,

#91
let people shoot some video with their fancy camera phones.

#92
Right. Get a couple of up skirts, a couple nip slips.

#93
Boom. You'd be famous like that.

#94
I'd like to avoid the nip slips and up skirts,

#95
but I see where you're going with it.

#96
I'll talk you into it at some point.

#97
I could be famous by being friends with you.

#98
- Absolutely. - Great. Good luck with that.

#99
Frank, Charlie and I are gonna go to where the real action is.

#100
Boom!

#101
FRANK: Why'd you drag us to a place like this?

#102
It smells like the bottom of a birdcage.

#103
Lots of shady shit goes down in nursing homes, Frank, okay?

#104
- These places are like prisons. - Like people getting ass-raped?

#105
- What? Oh, my God, dude. - Not like people getting ass-raped.

#106
People don't want to be here because they feel...

#107
Because they're getting ass-raped.

#108
- Nobody's getting ass-raped, Frank! - Stop saying "ass-raped."

#109
We're locked and loaded. I'm ready to shoot this thing.

#110
- Let's talk to this woman. - Let's go. Come on. Let's move.

#111
I'm gonna do, like, a catchphrase thing.

#112
- Here we go. - Ready? In, three, two, one.

#113
Good afternoon, Philadelphia.

#114
This is Mac coming to you live from the Malvin Retirement Home.

#115
- Go, go, go, go. - Hello, miss. What's your name?

#116
- Irvene Simon. - Hello, Irvene.

#117
Why don't you tell us what's really going on here?

#118
- Cool face. Hold it. Hold it. - Well, I get up around 5:00.

#119
5:30, if it's bingo the night before.

#120
Then I eat breakfast. I like to have fruit.

#121
- She steals the grapes! - I do not!

#122
Check her purse!

#123
I think we've covered breakfast. Let's move past it.

#124
- Good save. - Then after breakfast,

#125
I like to sit and read recipes.

#126
I don't even know how to cook. (laughs)

#127
Is there anything that you want to tell the world, Irvene?

#128
My grandson's birthday's on Friday.

#129
No, no. Is there anything about this place that you don't like?

#130
- The blacks. - Cut!

#131
Cut! Cut that!

#132
What are you cutting for? That was starting to get good.

#133
It was not good. It was the ramblings of a crazy, old racist.

#134
- Is it hot in here? - I meant to bring this up.

#135
How are you sweating so much? It's freezing!

#136
- It's freezing! - They try to keep them alive.

#137
- Meat spoils slower in a fridge. - So they keep it cold.

#138
- That interview was terrible. - It was terrible.

#139
- We need a more exciting truth. - We do. Yeah.

#140
Let's set this place on fire. Let's burn it to the ground!

#141
We're not setting a nursing home on fire!

#142
Those curtains would go up like a snap.

#143
We need to find a more exciting part of the city.

#144
Wait a second. I know just the place.

#145
CHARLIE: The shit's always going down in Chinatown, boys!

#146
Okay, okay. Quick conference, guys.

#147
Everyone keep their eyes peeled for drifting. All right?

#148
People here love to... Look at this guy.

#149
He's definitely a drifter.

#150
He's going to his car and he's gonna slide it sideways.

#151
And you know what happens with Tokyo drifting?

#152
- It leads to bickering. - They always bicker.

#153
Which, of course, leads to karate.

#154
Which eventually will lead to dudes flying from window to window

#155
and treetop to treetop.

#156
Shooting lightning bolts out of their fingers.

#157
There's the guy that shoots lightning bolts out of his hands!

#158
He wears the big, straw hat. And he does that.

#159
His eyes go all white and shit. And Kurt Russell fights him.

#160
(speaking Chinese)

#161
Oh, my God, dude. The smell is overwhelming.

#162
What the hell are these guys doing?

#163
They're just trading fish for other fish is what it looks like.

#164
They're not even bickering. This isn't gonna lead to karate.

#165
We gotta find one sick guy and do a story about a new pandemic.

#166
- No one cares about that, Frank. - This guy looks sick.

#167
That's the same fish they just passed to each other.

#168
Like bird flu, fish flu.

#169
We gotta get 'em to fight. They just passed the same fish back and forth.

#170
You think we could get 'em to fight?

#171
Here we go. What's that?

#172
MAC: That looks exciting. FRANK: Let's go.

#173
- It's a bunch of people. Let's go. - Charlie, fire up that camera.

#174
I'm doing it. (all shouting)

#175
Can you see sweat? I'm sweating a little bit.

#177
- Yeah? Okay. What if I do... - That's better. Go.

#178
Good afternoon, Philadelphia. We're here in Chinatown,

#179
where a large crowd gathered for what can be a martial arts showdown.

#180
- You look scared. - I'm sorry. I'm sweating. It's hot.

#181
- Martial arts. - Martial arts expo... Just go in.

#182
(shouting continues)

#183
(all gasp)

#184
(paddle hitting ball sounds)

#186
(coughs)

#187
- A pandemic. - Bird flu! Bird flu!

#188
- I think he's choking, guys. - What? He is choking!

#189
- Frank, give him the Heimlich! - I'm not gonna touch him.

#190
- I don't know what he's got. - Do you know the Heimlich?

#191
I don't! Punch him in the stomach or something.

#192
Okay. (all gasp)

#193
- Oh, baby! - I did it?

#194
- You okay? - I did it!

#195
I saved your life! I saved your life, bitch! Whoo! Yeah!

#196
That is exactly the kind of stuff we should be filming.

#197
- I'm a hero! - You got that, right, Charlie?

#198
Yeah. I did and I didn't, Frank.

#199
- What? - I did and I didn't.

#200
You were pointing the camera at him, right?

#201
You got it, right? The punch and everything, right?

#202
I did point the camera at it. But I did not put a tape in here.

#203
- What? - What are you talking about?

#204
The problem was that I got the flashlight on.

#205
And I taped the whole deal up.

#206
I realized I'd have to cut all the tape off to get the tape in.

#207
I didn't have much more duct tape.

#208
So I figured, stick with the flashlight while we got it.

#209
So you never put a tape in?

#210
While we were out there taping the guys with the fish!

#211
Oh, my God! See what's happening? We're getting a yelling...

#212
- Yeah, we're gonna get yelling! - Oh, I'm sorry!

#213
I forgot to put a tape in! I forgot to put a tape in!

#214
All right, all right, all right! All right.

#215
Here's what we do. We re-create your heroic moment.

#216
That's it. We do it again.

#217
- We just re-create it? BOTH: Yes!

#218
This time we put a tape in. Take the light off of it maybe.

#219
Maybe we don't sweat so much. Maybe we'll wear more makeup.

#220
Don't blame it on my sweat glands. That's not fair.

#221
We'll re-create the whole thing. And you know, you can...

#222
And this time I could look a little bit more heroic.

#223
You could look a lot more heroic, bro.

#224
We'll put enough makeup on you. You'll look like the shit.

#225
- Let's just make some news, please. - All right.

#226
(chattering)

#227
(slurring) Ooh! I feel like we've been standing in this line forever!

#228
For like our lifetimes! I don't know if we're ever gonna get inside.

#229
Dee, it's a club. You have to wait in a line.

#230
I gotta be honest. I feel like I'm just a bit too drunk to stand up.

#231
You were supposed to get drunk inside the club, not outside.

#232
Nobody gives a shit about a stupid, drunk whore outside of a club.

#233
That's a lot of talking you're doing. I gotta lay down.

#234
Lie down? What are you talking about? What are you doing? Dee? Oh!

#235
(laughing) Now you're some stupid, drunk chick lying in garbage.

#236
- Night-night. - "Night-night"? Night-night. Great.

#237
You want to come in with us?

#238
Uh, yeah.

#239
- Here, take this. - What is this?

#240
(laughs) You'll see.

#241
(disco music)

#242
Oh! Oh, my God!

#243
Holy shit, it's bright out here!

#244
(music)

#245
- Dee, get up. Get up! Come on! - What?

#246
- Where am I? - I'm crashing pretty hard.

#247
- I need to go home and sleep. - What happened last night?

#248
Don't make me into the bad guy.

#249
I'm going out of my way to make us both famous.

#250
It's not my fault if you're not living up to your end.

#251
Okay. Well, why don't you take my picture now?

#252
Dee, that's not gonna work, okay? You're not famous yet.

#253
You're just some stupid, drunk chick who slept in her own puke.

#254
We'll come back tonight. Come on. Ride's leaving.

#255
Can...

#256
No, come on. I'm not gonna stand in this big line again.

#257
We don't have to wait in line.

#258
Famous, drunk whores, they don't wait in line.

#259
They shove their way to the front and shit all over the bouncer.

#260
Don't know if I feel comfortable taking a shit on that bouncer.

#261
You gotta talk down to him. Make him feel like he's beneath you.

#262
That way, he'd be too afraid not to let you in. Right?

#263
- He doesn't want to lose his job. - I don't know.

#264
Dee, do you want to be famous or not?

#265
- Take a shit on this guy. - Okay.

#266
- Shove your way. - I can shit on him, I think.

#267
Hey, look out. Jesus, you're in my way!

#268
- Move it! Move it! Hey! - Good start.

#269
Short stuff, out of my way. Yeah, you saw me. Hi, there.

#270
- What's your name? - Dee Reynolds.

#271
- You on the list? - List?

#272
I don't need to be on that list, you idiot.

#273
You piece of dirt. Who are you? I step on you.

#274
I clean you off of my shoes at night.

#275
I step on you and then I throw away the shoe.

#276
That shoe that I just threw away,

#277
that's worth more than your worthless life, mister.

#278
And I am pissed because I loved that shoe. You dirt.

#279
You piece of subhuman shit.

#280
Whoa. Dee, take it easy, all right?

#281
I'm not gonna take it easy because this talking dump of a bouncer

#282
s starting to get on my nerves.

#283
I'm gonna have you fired, dick hole.

#284
Do you know who I am? Do you have any idea?

#285
Or is your brain too tiny to have ideas?

#286
Is there any thought roaming around in that thick, shit skull of yours?

#287
You with her?

#288
- No! Nope. - What?

#289
- What is your name? - Dennis Reynolds.

#290
Dennis Reynolds?

#291
Well, what do you know, Dennis Reynolds? You're on the list.

#292
- No, no... - Wow. That's awesome.

#293
What? But you're not gonna go in without me, right?

#294
(disco music)

#295
Dancing Guy! Oh, I love your show, man.

#296
Wow, Dancing Guy!

#297
- Stop pressing so hard. - I have to press hard.

#298
You get so nervous, you sweat through it every time.

#299
- Just make sure that it's even. - I'm gonna make it even.

#300
You need to just start calming down and relaxing a little bit more.

#301
I'm very stressed out, Charlie. It's a very stressful situation.

#302
Then relax. Calm yourself a little bit.

#303
- Hey. - I'm sorry. I just...

#304
- No, come on, dude. - That's not such a...

#305
- Well, it's... - Okay? Come on, dude.

#306
#Hey, who's that sexy news guy It's Mac#

#307
- #Yes, it's Mac - It's Mac.

#308
#And he's on the channel Whatever we make it on news#

#309
(groans) Right?

#310
#We're gonna make it on the TV#

#311
All right, here it is. You go into the building.

#312
You run out. And get the kitties.

#313
With the little box of kittens, right?

#314
- And you save them. - You save them!

#315
I save them from what?

#316
- You gonna set this on fire? - No!

#317
Charlie, you gonna set this on fire?

#318
- Yes. - Goddamn it!

#319
You want the show to be a hit or what?

#320
I am not running into a burning building!

#321
It's gotta be exciting!

#322
That's what the news talkers... Come on.

#323
Well, I quit. 'Cause I can't seem to get into any of the clubs.

#324
If I can't get into any of the clubs,

#325
how the hell am I supposed to get famous?

#326
CHARLIE: Three, two, action. - Good evening, Philadelphia.

#327
We've just received word that a litter of adorable kittens

#328
is stranded somewhere inside this building

#329
that could erupt into flames at any moment!

#331
- Now shoot the building now. - What? Okay.

#332
- Who will save them? - Move, dude!

#333
I know, but I'm saying... If I could get into the...

#334
Calm down, calm down, calm down, dude!

#335
So I just go grab the box of kittens and run out?

#336
Yeah. That's all there is to it. You'll be famous.

#337
- Everybody loves a hero. - Okay. Sounds easy enough.

#338
Get to it.

#339
Smells overwhelmingly like querosene in here!

#340
(explosion) (Dee screaming)

#341
I cannot believe you guys. I could've been killed!

#342
Somebody had to save those kittens.

#343
They were trapped inside a burning building, Deandra.

#344
- You set me on fire! FRANK: We set the building on fire.

#345
- You happened to catch on fire. - Barely.

#346
- Yeah, we put you out. - That's right.

#347
I'm on fire! I'm on fire!

#348
- Well, I do look really heroic. - No, you do not look heroic!

#349
- You threw the box of kittens. - I was on fire!

#350
(mocking)

#351
- We gotta shoot this shit again. - Yeah, like fire hurts.

#352
(techno music)

#353
- Hey, Dancing Guy! - That's the man.

#354
- Now this is entertainment. DEE: Oh.

#355
I can't believe... It doesn't make any sense, man.

#356
It's, like, what is he...

#358
What's the time? Diaper Time!

#359
- Whoa! - What?

#360
That is weird.

#361
MAC: They're really stepping up the insanity.

#362
FRANK: Where do they find theM? - Look at these people.

#363
Do you not find this sad and embarrassing for them?

#364
Those people are pieces of shit.

#365
But I want to watch it.

#366
- So much and so often - I want to watch it.

#367
I think we should throw parties and just sort of watch it together.

#368
- This is television at its best. - Definitely.

#369
- People love well stories. - Really?

#370
I feel like well stories are played out.

#371
- Who gets stuck in a well? - Kittens do.

#372
Kittens? You guys put those kitties in there?

#373
What else were we supposed to put down there, Dee?

#374
All right, fine. I'll do it. But don't set it on fire, okay?

#375
- This is dangerous enough. - Deandra, use your head.

#376
- How would we set a well on fire? - It's filled with water.

#377
- Get in the well! - I'm going!

#378
Save the kittens! Save the day!

#379
- Give me the matches. - Yep.

#382
Okay, it's all good through here.

#383
(screaming) (kittens screech)

#384
- Hey! There you go. - She throws the kittens every time.

#385
Oh, she loves to ruin and ruin and ruin and ruin.

#386
Do you guys mind keeping it down a little bit?

#387
- It's 5:00 in the afternoon. - What the hell?

#388
- I was at the club all night. - You turning into a club kid now?

#389
Oh, man. You guys should've been there, man.

#390
Everybody was there. It was so awesome.

#391
We've been trying to turn Dee into a hero

#392
by, like, getting her to rescue kittens

#393
n compromising situations.

#394
But she messes up every time!

#395
Hey, what if we set up, like, a conveyor belt situation, right?

#396
Put the cats on that. And then at the end of it, a chopping mechanism.

#397
- Oh, yeah! Let's chop cats! - Hey! This is good!

#398
- No. - Let's chop cats!

#399
We don't actually chop the cats. Dee grabs them before that.

#400
We'll chop a couple cats so that you know it's real.

#401
I don't think anybody's really gonna give a shit about a nobody

#402
saving a bunch of kittens.

#403
But a celebrity saving cats... Then you got a story.

#404
So what are you suggesting?

#405
I'm building up quite a reputation, especially in the club scene.

#406
With my connections,

#407
I could finally get Dee into some of those clubs.

#408
Once she's in those clubs, I can turn her into a celebrity.

#409
And once she's a celebrity, you guys got a story.

#410
You think she's gonna go for that?

#411
She's pissed at you for ditching her there.

#412
I don't think Dee's that desperate to get famous.

#413
Nobody's that pathetic.

#414
I can't believe how famous I'm about to be!

#415
Run off to the bathroom and cram a couple fingers down your throat.

#416
Bulimia's really big with this crowd.

#417
I just tried, but I've been throwing up all day long.

#418
I don't think I have any food left inside of me.

#419
Try harder. Because it's really important, all right?

#420
- Yeah. Okay. - If only just for show.

#421
- Dennis! Hey! - Hey!

#422
These are the girls. Don't screw this up.

#423
These girls can make or break you in this town.

#424
Hey. You look gorgeous.

#425
Hey, listen, ladies. This is my sister.

#426
Notice how disgustingly skinny she is. Isn't it weird?

#427
Oh, my God! You are like crack skinny!

#428
- Oh! Okay! - That's a compliment.

#429
- She throws up all the time. - Oh, my God. I just got done.

#430
I'm sorry if my breath stinks.

#431
Hey, Dennis, want one? Maybe not tonight, ladies.

#432
I'm kinda working on something.

#433
- Oh, come on. Don't be a loser. - Yeah!

#434
Well, all right. Yeah, maybe just one.

#435
Do you have one for my sister too?

#436
- Sure. - What is it?

#437
You'll see.

#438
Chop, chop, chop. Good! Good!

#439
The cat's dead. I don't see any problems with that

#440
other than the fact that the camera might see my hand killing the cat.

#441
We're gonna pull the cat out before it gets to the chopper.

#442
But if Sweet Dee doesn't make it in time, you're gonna see me chop it.

#443
Just don't drop the cat. I can't make that promise.

#444
- Come on. - Whoa!

#445
Where have you been? You look like shit.

#446
- I don't want to talk about that. - Did you become celebrities yet?

#447
We're not doing the celebrity thing anymore. We're done with that.

#448
No. We need you guys. 'Cause we got this great chopping mechanism.

#449
- It's for the news show. - There is no news show, Charlie!

#450
Yes, there is a news show, Dennis! We're gonna put it on public access!

#451
Nobody watches public access. I don't want to be on public access.

#452
What? (techno music on TV)

#453
- Hey! Hey, Dancing Guy's on! DEE: No, no, no, no!

#454
- Turn that off! - Hey! Dancing Guy's a great show.

#455
- Charlie. No, Charlie. - Turn it off, man. Turn it off!

#456
What's the time? Diaper Time! What's the time? Diaper Time!

#457
Congratulations, guys. You're famous.

#458
(techno continues)

« Prev Page 1 of 1 Next » Back to Search