Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S03E09 — Sweet Dee's Dating a Retarded Person

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 3, Episode 9 — Sweet Dee's Dating a Retarded Person

#1
MAC: Dee's bringing another boyfriend?

#2
DENNIS: She won't shut up about this one. He's a local rapper.

#3
- He's like some hotshot rapper. - What's his name?

#4
- Lil' Jeff. Lil' Joe. - It's was Jonathan, Little Michael.

#5
- Lil' Kev? - Lil' Kev.

#6
Shit. I've heard about him. He's a local celebrity.

#7
- He's the next Eminem. - What is he?

#8
- Like a small guy or little guy? - No, probably not.

#9
I think it's just a rapper thing. Lil' Kim.

#10
You never know though. He could have a little hand

#11
or a little foot or something. - I doubt he'd want

#12
to call attention to that by calling himself Lil' Kev.

#13
- Biggie Smalls was fat. - Yeah. He was big and small.

#14
His head was small, but his body was big.

#15
So this guy could have a little hand and a giant body.

#16
What's up, hos? I'd like you to meet somebody.

#17
Kevin, these are the clowns I work with.

#18
This your crew, baby?

#19
Girl, you silly. They ain't no clowns. What up, fellas?

#20
- What's up, man? - Hey, man. How's it going?

#21
I got to get back to the studio, but I'll holler at you later, okay?

#22
- Yo, later, fellas. - See ya, man.

#23
Boom. Yep, you're seein' it.

#24
Dee, does that guy have a little hand?

#25
Charlie, I was gonna say his foot looks small.

#26
CHARLIE: Nah. It's possible. The shoes were the same size,

#27
but his hand was like... (grunts)

#28
He doesn't have a little hand or a little foot.

#29
- Did that guy go to Waldron? - I don't know.

#30
- Is his name Kevin Gallagher? - Yes.

#31
- No, that guy's retarded. - You're retarded.

#32
He is an actual retarded person. We went to elementary school together.

#33
He used to take classes outside school. He rode the short bus.

#34
Whatever. You think I wouldn't know if the guy I'm dating is retarded?

#35
There is no way I am dating a retarded person.

#36
But he's so tough and popular and famous.

#37
- He's a successful musician. - Jesus, sweetie.

#38
- The guy might be retarded. - Yeah, but he might not be.

#39
Plus, he gives me things. Did you guys see this necklace?

#40
It's got diamonds in it. I gotta think about this.

#41
Come take a look at my elementary school yearbook sometime, Dee.

#42
- He's retarded. - I'm getting an idea.

#43
- Charlie, follow me on this one. - Okay.

#44
Retarded or not... Clearly there's something off about that guy.

#45
- That guy's very messed up. - No, I'm saying he's retarded.

#46
Yeah, whatever. But he's an up-and-coming musician.

#47
I mean, he's really building a following in this city.

#48
- He's like the next Eminem. - He's supposed to be big.

#49
Okay. So, if he can do it, why can't we?

#50
I can't argue that logic, man. What are you suggesting?

#51
I'm thinking we start a band. Holy shit. Yeah!

#52
- Yeah? Let's do it! - We're in a band!

#53
I've always wanted to be a rock god. If he's getting chicks...

#54
- Why are you "ooh, ooh-ing" me? - You're not in it.

#55
Why am I not in it? I have a great voice.

#56
You do have a great voice. You have an excellent voice.

#57
But the problem is you're into all that early '80s glam rock fem shit,

#58
and it's not the artistic direction I want to take the band in.

#59
Artistic direction? You guys don't even play instruments.

#60
That doesn't matter, does it?

#61
Because it's all about rocking and looking cool and kicking ass.

#62
I think he's right. It's all about image and marketing.

#63
There's no bands out there with any musical ability.

#64
Frank, I like the way you think. You're in the band.

#65
(stammering)

#66
- Dude, don't overreact about it. - Frank, get out that checkbook.

#67
You're gonna buy us some instruments.

#68
Yeah, brother. That's a hot guitar.

#69
You got graphite reinforced neck, 35-inch scale, two humbuckers...

#70
Move over six inches.

#71
Yeah.

#72
- So I was saying... - Shut up.

#73
Soak it in.

#74
So I was saying, graphite reinforced neck,

#75
35-inch scale... - That's the one.

#76
(music) (blues)

#77
- Check it out. It's like a weapon. - Cool, bro.

#78
Holy shit. Where did you learn how to play like that?

#79
Keyboards just make sense to me. I get 'em, you know?

#80
Charlie, you're amazing. You're gonna be our ace in the hole.

#81
- Can I talk to you for a second? - Sure.

#82
Any way that I can be in the back of the stage

#83
or behind some kind of curtain? - Why?

#84
- Can I bare my soul to you? - Of course, buddy.

#85
This is huge for me. I've always wanted to do this.

#86
This is a big deal. I've just always been afraid

#87
that people are gonna boo me or they're gonna hate me.

#88
It's why I've never pursued my dreams. So, if that happens,

#89
t's gonna crush me, I'm gonna crumble,

#90
I'm gonna fall to pieces, I'm gonna scream.

#91
- You're not listening. - Totally.

#92
Dude, I think we should do a Sex Pistols thing, right?

#93
Where I'm Sid Vicious and you're Johnny Rotten.

#94
- I'm Simon and you're Garfunkel. - No. You're Axl. I'm Slash.

#95
No. I'm Holland Oates. You're Peter Gabriel.

#96
Hall and Oates is two separate people.

#97
No. Holland is his first name and Oates is his last name, dude.

#98
Whatever, dude. I just wanna kick ass.

#99
- You with that bald guy? - Yeah.

#100
Get him out of here or I'm calling the cops.

#101
(music) (random banging)

#102
I'm taking these.

#103
There he is. Good old Special K. He is drooling on himself.

#104
So what? He's seven in this yearbook.

#105
If I'm gonna break up with this guy, I need some proof.

#106
Dee, you're free to date whoever you want, okay?

#107
You should know whether or not you're gold-digging a retarded guy.

#108
Number one, I'm not gold-digging anybody. I really like this guy.

#109
And second of all, this doesn't prove that he's retarded.

#110
- You want proof? - I want proof.

#111
- When are you seeing him next? - I'm picking him up in an hour.

#112
- You're picking him up? - He doesn't drive.

#113
That's funny, 'cause people who aren't retarded usually drive.

#114
Retarded one. Normal zero.

#115
Not bad, Dennis. Nice neighborhood. Owns his own house. Three stories.

#116
Looks like it's retarded one, normal one.

#117
Yes?

#118
Hi. I think we have the wrong address.

#119
- Are you Dee? - Yeah. Who are you?

#120
I'm Kevin's mom. Come on in.

#121
Lives with his mom. I think I'll be taking that point back.

#122
Kevin's in his room. Go on up if you like.

#123
Thank you, Mrs. Gallagher. You must be very proud of your son.

#124
- He has overcome difficult odds. - Yes, he has.

#125
- You're talking about the rapping. - Excuse me?

#126
Those odds, you're talking about his rapping career.

#127
- I guess. - Mrs. Gallagher,

#128
would you describe your son as a "special" guy?

#129
- No, you can't do that. - Why can't I do that?

#130
Because he's her son. Of course he's special. That's an easy yes.

#131
- You think he's special, right? - Yes.

#132
- That means nothing to me. - That means a whole lot.

#133
Retarded three, normal zero.

#134
Hold on. How come you got that point? That was my point.

#135
- Retarded two, normal one. - She practically came out

#136
and told us he was retarded. Retarded four, normal zero.

#137
Where'd four come from? It's definitely not four.

#138
There's the driving, the drooling in the yearbook,

#139
the overcoming the odds, the living with the mom

#140
and now the special thing. It's not four. It's five.

#141
Are you the point king? It's retarded three, normal one.

#142
There's so much more retarded stuff that...

#143
What's up?

#144
- Hey! - You brought your crew, baby.

#145
This is my brother, Dennis, and he's gonna give us a ride.

#146
- Snap! What up, son? - Hey.

#147
I didn't know we were doing all that.

#148
I gotta grab a couple of things. Be ready to "riz-zoll".

#149
That's retard strength if I've ever seen it.

#150
Shut your mouth.

#151
(music) (cacophony)

#152
Go!

#153
Go! Go!

#154
All right, stop! Stop! Why are you not singing?

#155
It doesn't sound very good. (chuckles)

#156
- Then huff some glue, bro. - I've been huffing glue, guys.

#157
- Then growl into the microphone. - No. This is...

#158
I don't even wanna growl. I'm not a growler.

#159
- Band meeting! - We need to have a band meeting!

#160
Hold on a minute!

#161
We're sittin' around here practicin' like a bunch of pansies!

#162
We should be out gettin' wasted and breakin' shit!

#163
Frank's absolutely right. How can we be rock stars

#164
f we're not living like rock stars?

#165
If we live like rock stars, the music will come!

#166
Stop, dude! What are you doing?

#167
- That's my good chair. - That's your good chair?

#168
- Yeah. - It's covered in bird shit.

#169
- No. That's toothpaste, man. - That's clearly bird shit.

#170
- No, it's not. It's toothpaste. - Do you even own a toothbrush?

#171
- Don't break my chair. - Oh, my God!

#172
Wait a minute. Charlie is right.

#173
We should not be breaking our own shit.

#174
We should be out there breaking other people's shit.

#175
That's rock and roll.

#176
(shouting) Yeah!

#177
That's what I'm talking about! You feeling better, Charlie?

#178
Keep smashing things, guys! It's a ripple effect!

#179
How'd you guys get a hotel room without putting a credit card down?

#180
We did use a credit card. I took it out of your wallet.

#181
(lamp shatters) Wait.

#182
- My credit card's at the desk? - Yeah.

#183
We're smashing up a hotel room with my credit card down at the desk?

#184
Why would you do that?

#185
They don't let you book a hotel room without putting down a credit card.

#186
What year do you think it is? (chuckling)

#187
We gotta put this stuff back together again.

#188
- Charlie, you gotta get the glue. - Glue is for huffing, dude.

#189
- Get me the glue! - It's a part of his process.

#190
This is not rock and roll!

#191
(music) (orchestral) (Kevin laughing)

#192
This shit is funny! You like this movie?

#193
- Your shirt's on backwards. - What?

#194
Snap! It is.

#195
Look! (laughing)

#196
(laughing continues)

#197
We need to break up.

#198
(music) (ends)

#199
Yes, sir. Yes, sir!

#200
- Where's your suit? - I'm not wearing the suit, Frank,

#201
because it's lame, and you look like a pussy.

#202
That defeats the whole purpose. The idea is to trick the moms

#203
nto letting the kids bop with us.

#204
It's not the '50s anymore, Frank. The kids aren't bopping anymore.

#205
They're banging each other and doing meth before they hit grade school.

#206
- Can I pick the name of the band? - What do you got?

#207
- The Pecan Sandies. - Isn't that a cookie?

#208
Yeah, it's a cookie, but it's got another meaning.

#209
- What's the other meaning? - What?

#210
Other than a cookie, what's the other meaning?

#211
- It's a sexual meaning. - No, we are not the Pecan Sandies.

#212
We are Chemical Toilet. Because chicks want guys

#213
that wear tight pants and tattered clothing and spit blood,

#214
not guys dressed like waiters who name themselves after desserts.

#215
- We are Chemical Toilet. Charlie! - Porta-potty.

#216
- How's that song coming? CHARLIE: I'll be out in a second.

#217
And, Frank, who the hell is this guy?

#218
FRANK: That's Ernie. He works for beer. He looks a little tangled up.

#219
Does he know anything about hooking up that electrical equipment?

#220
- No. - Okay, I'm ready to rock.

#221
- And who are you supposed to be? - Bob Dylan. Check this out.

#222
- It's a page from a coloring book? - No, dude. That's "Night Man".

#223
Those are lyrics.

#224
- Whatever. Let's just rock. - "Night Man", baby.

#225
- This is what I'm talking about. - Let's rock and roll!

#226
All right.

#227
- Where's my curtain? - You're not gonna need it.

#228
- I want a curtain blocking my face. - You don't need it.

#229
- Go have a beer, Ernie. - Okay.

#230
All right. Ready?

#231
Five, six, seven, eight.

#232
#Night Man Sneaky and mean

#233
#Spider inside my dreams I think I love you

#234
#You make me wanna cry You make me wanna die

#235
#I love you, I love you I love you, Night Man

#236
#Every night you come into my room And pin me down

#237
#With your strong arms You pin me down

#238
#And I try to fight you You come inside me#

#239
- Charlie! - Charlie, hold on a second.

#240
The first half was kinda cool, but what's with the second half?

#241
It's about the Night Man, filling me up and I become him.

#242
I become the spirit of the Night Man.

#243
It's a song where a man breaks into your house and rapes you.

#244
What? Where are you getting that from? No.

#245
#It's just two men Sharing the night

#246
#It might seem wrong But it's just right

#247
#It's just two men Sharing each other

#248
#It's just two men Like lovin' brothers

#249
#One on top And one on bottom

#250
#One inside And one is out

#251
#One is screamin' He's so happy

#252
#The other's screamin' A passionate shout

#253
#It's the Night Man

#254
#They're feeling so wrong And right, man

#255
#They're feeling so wrong And right, man

#256
#I can't fight you, man When you come inside me

#257
#And pin me down With your strong hands

#258
#And I become the Night

#259
#The passionate Passionate Night Man#

#260
- We need a new front man. - Someone with a good voice.

#261
- Yes. - Who's attractive.

#262
- Yes. - Someone with charisma.

#263
- Yes. - I've got a lot of reading to do.

#264
Do you wanna be in the band or not, dude?

#265
- Can I wear spandex? - I'd rather you didn't.

#266
I think I'm gonna wear spandex.

#267
MAC: Are you ready? FRANK: Yeah.

#268
- What if I did something like this? - Let me see.

#269
I give a kick, but then I'm gonna stomp down.

#270
Like...

#271
That's good. Every time I stomp, you do that. That's good.

#272
Man... Really?

#273
Come on, dude. What's with the sash and the codpiece?

#274
Don't be afraid of a little sex appeal, Mac.

#275
- You look like a drag queen. - I look like a rock god.

#276
Here's the song.

#277
What the hell is this, a page from a coloring book?

#278
It's a song that Charlie wrote. It's called "Night Man".

#279
Skip the raping parts and get on stage.

#280
- Very well. - I just broke up with Kevin.

#281
- We're trying to practice. - I can't get it out of my head.

#282
I don't know if he's retarded, but I can't stop thinking about it.

#283
Dee, we're trying to have band practice here.

#284
I was gonna ride this guy to the top.

#285
He was gonna put me in one of his rap videos.

#286
The guy's not retarded, okay?

#287
- What? - I said that to mess with you.

#288
Why? Why would you do something like that?

#289
- I thought it'd be funny. - It's not funny.

#290
This guy's perfect, and you've blown it and ruined everything.

#291
You are a bad, bad person.

#292
- Ew. - All right. Ready, guys?

#293
- So, that guy's not retarded? - No, he's totally retarded.

#294
- All right, let's rock. - Five, six, seven, eight.

#295
(music) (vocalizing) (cacophony)

#296
(music) (continues)

#297
(music) (minor chords)

#298
#They took you, Night Man And you don't belong to them

#299
#They locked me in A world of darkness

#300
#Without your sexy hands

#301
#And I miss you, Night Man So bad#

#302
(grunts) (air hissing)

#303
Stupid, can't write... (inhales)

#304
Charlie?

#305
- Let's join forces. - Hello! Come right in.

#306
- I will. - What happened to your band?

#307
- Kicked me out. (laughs) - It hurts, doesn't it?

#308
- What's with the curtains? - I'm living in a world of darkness.

#309
Right. Let's get some light in here.

#310
(groans) (shudders)

#311
What's with the spray paint, man?

#312
What's with your outfit, man?

#313
- Let's put the curtains back up. - No.

#314
- What is going on up here? - I never know, man.

#315
(music) (upbeat)

#316
- Daylight. - I like that.

#317
#Day Man#

#318
Day Man.

#319
#Fighter of the Night Man

#320
#Champion of the

#321
- #Sun - #Sun

#322
#You're a master of karate

#323
#And friendship for everyone

#324
- #Day Man# That's it! - #Day Man#

#325
- #Fighter of the Night Man - #Ah

#326
#Champion of the sun Ah#

#327
Do you want some? No.

#328
#You're a master of karate And friendship for everyone

#329
#Day Man Ah#

#330
Nice. We'll get the...

#331
#Fighter of the Night Man Ah

#332
#Champion of the sun#

#333
(music) (synth chords)

#334
DENNIS: Ladies and gentlemen, we are Electric Dream Machine.

#335
Prepare to experience sexual magic.

#336
(music) ("Day Man")

#337
#Day Man Ah

#338
#Fighter of the Night Man Ah

#339
#Champion of the sun# MAN: Gay!

#340
#Ah You're a master of karate

#341
#And friendship for everyone#

#342
- Get off the stage! - #Day Man#

#343
- Come on. - Rock it.

#344
#Day Man# (booing)

#345
#Ah# Come on! Come on!

#346
- Why are you booing? - #Of the Night Man#

#347
- It's good! Why are you... - #Ah#

#348
(screaming) (booing continues)

#349
Screw you guys. Goddamn it, Charlie.

#350
(cheering) I'm so glad we worked out.

#351
I'm sorry I was all wishy-washy before.

#352
Yeah, girl. You was more mixed-up than a milk shake.

#353
It's my brother's fault though. You're not gonna believe this.

#354
He tried to convince me that you were retarded. What?

#355
What? That's bananas, girl.

#356
You're not retarded, are you?

#357
All right, Paddy's! You ready to rock?

#358
(music) (banging)

#359
Yeah! No? Yeah!

#360
(cheering) What up, Paddy's? Make some noise!

#361
Get off. Get off the stage, idiot. Come on, idiot. Come on. Let's go.

#362
- Come on. - Okay.

#363
Bust a little freestyle for you.

#364
This one's for my girl, Dee. This one's for you, baby. Word!

#365
#Let me tell y'all a story 'Bout a girl I knew

#366
#A broke-ass bitch With a gay-ass crew

#367
#She said that I was cute She said that I was funny

#368
#But the honey couldn't stop Lookin' at my money

#369
#Busted old lady With a flat tiny ass

#370
#Her body like a skeleton In science class

#371
#Face beat up by The school of hard knocks

#372
#Hair so fried and bleached By Clorox

#373
#It's like she's skinny but fat In all the wrong places

#374
#Mothers gotta cover Their babies' faces

#375
#When she walks by People think she's Godzilla

#376
#Straight out of Compton No, y'all straight outta "Thriller"

#377
#Looking like a zombie Walking like a chicken

#378
#Mouth full of shit That's why her breath be stinkin'

#379
#Just one question, Dee Before you take your bow

#380
#This gravy train's leavin' So who's retarded now#

#381
(cheering)

#382
Hey. Ladies.

#383
Later, bitch.

#384
I don't think he's retarded.

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