Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S03E10 — Mac is a Serial Killer

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 3, Episode 10 — Mac is a Serial Killer

#1
CHARLIE: So, he's in the law house...

#2
DENNIS: Please, stop talking. - Just let me finish my story.

#3
Describing an episode of "Law and Order" in detail is not a story.

#4
No, it's so good. First of all, I could be a really good lawyer.

#5
- I'm better than Sam Waterston. - You want to be a lawyer?

#6
Don't you think you should know how to read or write?

#7
Objection. Hearsay. That's the kind of stuff you have to do.

#8
That serial killer killed another woman last night.

#9
- Really? - Yeah. It says here,

#10
he's targeting young, attractive blondes.

#11
That's it. I'm not closing the bar by myself anymore.

#12
- Why? What are you worried about? - You don't fit the description.

#13
- I fit the description. - No. Young, attractive... Yeah.

#14
- I fit the description. - first of all, you're too big, Dee.

#15
- You're like a... - You're like a female Larry Bird.

#16
DENNIS: There's too much of you. - There's not too much of me.

#17
- He would never finish the job. - He'd get the job done.

#18
He'd spend his whole night hacking and sawing.

#19
Then he still wouldn't be done. He would open his box of tools

#20
and say, "What tools am I gonna use for this?"

#21
- He could use normal tools. - He'd look at that pile of bones

#22
and flesh and say... - "How many people have I murdered?"

#23
- "How is this just one person?" - Guess what. You're Larry Bird.

#24
- Larry Bird's an excellent player. - He's an awesome player.

#25
- What's up, bitches? - Hey-yo!

#26
Hey. This guy, he got laid last night.

#27
- What? No, I didn't. - You did. You didn't come home.

#28
- Yes, I did. - You're wearing the same clothes

#29
you were wearing yesterday. - These are different clothes.

#30
- Where'd you get those scratches? - What?

#31
- You got scratches on your neck. - No, I don't.

#32
- Let me see. - No. What?

#33
I gotta take a piss. I don't have any...

#34
You guys are...

#35
- Well, that was weird. - Wow.

#36
- He's been acting like that. - What's gotten into him?

#37
Serial killing.

#38
To prove that Mac is guilty, I gotta apply a little pressure.

#39
- I'm gonna get a chain saw. - A chain saw?

#40
You can't just torture someone, 'cause you think they're guilty.

#41
- Don't give me that bullshit. - Mac is not the serial killer.

#42
- He's not smart enough. - He's a dumb person.

#43
And dumb people are not capable of serial killing.

#44
What about the scratches on his neck? I got a hunch about this.

#45
You got a hunch? Frank's got a hunch. Let's just convict him.

#46
Let's carve our friend to pieces with a chainsaw based on a hunch.

#47
Dee, why don't you and I use a little textbook psychology?

#48
And that'll lead us to the real serial killer's doorstep.

#49
Are you all gonna go against me on this?

#50
- Sorry, Larry Bird. - Stop trying to use that.

#51
DEE: I don't know.

#52
What are you guys talking about?

#53
- Nothing. - Nothing.

#54
I forgot about this thing that I gotta do, take care of.

#55
I was thinking about it. I should just go deal with it now.

#56
I'm just gonna go deal with it now. I guess I'll see you guys later?

#57
Okay, bye.

#58
(laughs) If I prove that he is guilty,

#59
I am gonna torture the shit out of him.

#60
- Hey, you. - We need to talk.

#61
I don't understand. I thought we talked about this.

#62
We did. It's just that my friends are getting suspicious.

#63
And I cannot have them find out that we are dating again.

#64
(scoffs) - Why not? - Because of your... Oh, God.

#65
Situation down there.

#66
- You mean my penis? - You don't have to say it out loud.

#67
I told you. I'm getting rid of it.

#68
But when, dude? I've been putting a lot of time in here.

#69
- Soon. It takes time. - I know that it takes time.

#70
I've been reading up on the subject.

#71
But maybe we should just take it easy until then.

#72
- Because of the penis? - There it is. The penis.

#73
Yes. Because of the pen... Okay, listen. Here's the deal.

#74
I feel like we make out, and it's great. really great,

#75
but then things start to get hot and heavy and you scratch me.

#76
Which is cool. But you're really strong, and it hurts.

#77
And sometimes, just sometimes, I bump up against it.

#78
And I just can't handle that.

#79
Really? Because you seem like you can handle anything.

#80
I mean, with that body.

#81
Yeah, I mean, physically, sure.

#82
I can handle pretty much any situation.

#83
I do... work out. So...

#84
You sure do.

#85
I don't know. He's been in there a long time.

#86
- You think he's chopping up bodies? - He's not chopping up anything.

#87
He's not a serial killer. What'd I tell you about that chain saw?

#88
- You want to take a picture? - No. We're on an invest...

#89
- Do you have a camera? - Yeah.

#90
Absolutely then. (laughs)

#91
How's this look? Does this look cool?

#92
Hold it closer to your face and look really crazy.

#93
Like I'm killing somebody? Let me start it

#94
and get my tongue... There he is. - Put your tongue there.

#95
- We got ourselves a serial killer. - No, you don't have anything.

#96
- That's inconclusive, Frank. - He's guilty as sin. Look at him.

#97
You gotta have hard evidence. You don't have any hard evidence.

#98
I'll tell you what you do have. You got a camera. Let's snap one off.

#99
- Like this? - Right.

#100
Put your tongue closer to the blade.

#101
Dennis!

#102
Dee... What the hell are you doing? Get outta here.

#103
- You're gonna blow my cover. - This seems dangerous.

#104
That is the point of being here. This is the area

#105
of the highest concentration of murders by the serial killer.

#106
I know. That's why I feel like a sitting duck out there.

#107
You volunteered for this.

#108
I didn't want to use you as the bait. You do not fit the profile.

#109
- I fit the profile, Dennis! - That's the right attitude.

#110
Pull these out or something. You need to look sexy for this guy.

#111
- Otherwise, he's never gonna... - I just feel

#112
this is a very inappropriate outfit for how cold it is out here.

#113
- Is it cold out here? - It's freezing!

#114
I have a down jacket on, a wool blanket.

#115
It's a very toasty situation I got back here.

#116
Get back out there, tiger. You can do it. I believe in you.

#117
(shivers)

#118
FRANK: Mac? (knocks)

#119
Are you in there?

#120
- We're clear, Charlie. Come on. - This is an illegal search, Frank.

#121
What's the decorating motif of this place, prison cell?

#122
I'm pretty sure you need a warrant to be doing this, buddy.

#123
- Why are you wearing those gloves? - Fingerprints.

#124
You think I want some Jew lawyer crawling up my ass in six months?

#125
Objection. Extremely racist, man.

#126
The guy's innocent, all right? You're poking around,

#127
but there's no point to it 'cause you're not gonna find anything.

#128
Oh! #And Bingo was his name-o#

#129
"The Human Anatomy".

#130
He's got a half a chapter highlighted

#131
on the removal of human genitalia.

#132
What guy hasn't done some extensive research on his own genitalia?

#133
Don't say "you", buddy, because I woke up

#134
to you doing some pretty frantic research last night, pal.

#135
We could go tit for tat on that one. So you better drop that subject.

#136
All I'm saying is that the book doesn't mean anything.

#137
You got no evidence! You got no case, Frank.

#138
- It stinks, that stuff. - This stuff is Drakkar Noir, man.

#139
Damn, girl. Who you with?

#140
I think you got the wrong idea. I'm not with anybody.

#141
Word? Well, lookee here.

#142
If you get up off that crack rock, you can come Pepper Jack's best ho.

#143
No. I'm not on any crack rock.

#144
Okay, one time I was hooked on the crack rock.

#145
But that was because I was trying to get on welfare and fail a drug test.

#146
But that stuff, you gotta be careful because it'll mess you.

#147
Why are you asking? Do you have some on you?

#148
Hi. I'm sorry. We're trying to conduct a little business here.

#149
Pepper Jack's trying to conduct some business too. You with this cracker?

#150
No. Technically, we drove here together. But I'm not with anybody.

#151
You heard it. Your bitch chose me.

#152
See now, Pepper Jack, I feel like we're miscommunicating.

#153
Bitch, you speak when spoken to now.

#154
No. We're just gonna get out of here. Dee, let's go.

#155
Now you're not just gonna come here and take Pepper Jack's best ho.

#156
You want this ho back, Pepper Jack needs to get paid.

#157
- Are you serious? - Does it look like he playing?

#158
- I don't think he's playing. - I feel like he isn't playing.

#159
No, Pepper Jack is not playing. Pepper Jack about to cut somebody.

#160
- Please don't cut. - No cutting. That's not necessary.

#161
- How much? - What you got?

#162
I don't know. Seven bucks and a stupid thermos.

#163
- Is that "Fraggle Rock"? - Yeah.

#164
Pepper Jack love "Fraggle Rock".

#165
I feel like we've been going about this the wrong way.

#166
You can't just jump into the mind of a serial killer.

#167
- You need to walk in his shoes. - Right. We need to go deeper.

#168
We need to eat, breathe and sleep serial killer.

#169
Go through all of the steps that this guy would

#170
n order to understand his thoughts. - Yeah. Okay, what's the first step?

#171
Here's what I think. If I was gonna start mass murdering people,

#172
I feel like the first thing I would do is pick a victim.

#173
Right. We need a victim. We need to find somebody

#174
who we would want to kill. But who?

#175
- Here you go, Dee. - Thanks.

#176
And shithead. Hope you burn your tongue.

#177
- Sit down. - No.

#178
- What the hell is wrong with you? - What is wrong with me?

#179
What the hell is wrong with you? I saw you last night!

#180
- You did? - So you admit it?

#181
- Yeah. - Don't ever admit it, Mac!

#182
It makes my job that much harder. You gotta quit this thing, buddy.

#183
I tried, dude. But it's like a drug.

#184
I just get wrapped up in the moment and boom, it just happens.

#185
I don't care what your sick and twisted reasons are.

#186
- Who else knows about this? - Nobody. Just her.

#187
- She won't be a problem. - She ain't gonna tell anybody.

#188
- Frank's onto you. - Frank knows?

#189
- He's sniffing around. - Goddamn it.

#190
He's gonna come at you, and he's gonna come at you hard!

#191
Here's what you gotta do. You gotta deny.

#192
- Deny. Just deny it. - Deny.

#193
- You just deny it. - If you deny something,

#194
t means it never happened. - It never happened.

#195
You gotta promise me something here, buddy. You gotta stop.

#196
That's gonna be a bit of an issue. I don't know if I can promise that.

#197
- Are you serious? - I want to stop.

#198
We're gonna get you the help.

#199
But you gotta give me the time to build your case.

#200
To help your defense out.

#201
(music) (humming "Law and Order" theme)

#202
I gotta do my thing. And then... (music) (humming)

#203
(music) (both humming)

#204
And then I do some moves.

#205
- Yeah. I'm into it. - Okay.

#206
What does that have anything to do with what we're talking about?

#207
- Lawyer stuff. - It's a great show.

#208
- Are you gonna help me? - Yeah, man.

#209
- Are you wearing my Drakkar? - Accusations.

#210
- Those are no good. - It's my favorite...

#211
(music) (humming)

#212
- This is a bad idea. - No. We need killing tools.

#213
But you're not using your head. This is serial killing 101.

#214
You don't buy anything that can be traced back to you.

#215
We're not buying anything.

#216
My neighbor Gary works here. He is desperately in love with me.

#217
We need killing tools, he needs me to smile at him.

#218
We're gonna take whatever we want. There's gonna be no paper trail.

#219
That works. I wonder if they have painter's overalls.

#220
- How come? - My guy's a painter.

#221
I go from house to house gaining very easy access to my victims.

#222
And more importantly, gaining their trust.

#223
- Who's your guy? - Psycho clown.

#224
- Psycho clown? - Yeah. I like to dress like a clown

#225
when I slaughter. Now help me grab some killing tools.

#226
The serial killer's probably not a psycho clown, Dee.

#227
What do you think of these gardening shears?

#228
I like those gardening shears. But do they cut through bone?

#229
Yeah. That's a good question. Hey, Gary.

#230
(banging objects) These shears cut through bone?

#231
- Yeah. I guess. - Yeah, I thought so.

#232
Gary, my brother and I, we're gonna take these shears.

#233
But we're gonna take 'em on the hush-hush.

#234
- What? - For free.

#235
- Okay. - Okay.

#236
Get back to work. There you go.

#237
- That guy's a pussy. - Yeah, spineless.

#238
Hello.

#239
- Messy. Very messy. - Too messy.

#240
Do you mind if my associate and I ask you a couple questions?

#241
Don't feel compelled to answer any of them, Mrs. Mac.

#242
- I'll record this conversation. - You want a fresh cigarette?

#243
- Here, here. - Yeah.

#244
- I notice you like cherry pie. - Cut the chitchat.

#245
My client's clearly a busy woman. Ask your questions.

#246
In your opinion, ma'am, was your son an angry child?

#247
Objection. Leading.

#248
Did he ever exhibit any hatred toward women?

#249
Irrelevant questioning.

#250
Do you think he was raised in a dysfunctional family?

#251
- Move to strike. - What are you talking about?

#252
Ask her fair questions! I'll give you one question,

#253
and then we're out of here! One question.

#254
You think your son's out there killing people?

#255
Yeah.

#256
- That's it, lady! - Damn it!

#257
- You just buried me! - Chain saw serial killer.

#258
You buried me. That's my whole case! I'll be in touch.

#259
You actually dressed like a clown. You're gonna draw so much attention.

#260
DEE: I thought we were getting into the killer's shoes.

#261
But the killer's not a psycho clown. That's only in movies, stupid ones.

#262
Really? John Wayne Gacy? He was a psycho clown.

#263
- He was an excellent one. - Come on, Dee.

#264
Actually, you're right. He was pretty... Here she comes.

#265
This is the fun part. This is the part that we've been working up to.

#266
This is what all the work has been for. We're gonna follow our victim.

#267
And then we're gonna jump her. And then I'm gonna strangle her

#268
and you're gonna chop her into pieces.

#269
Okay, but what are we really gonna do?

#270
We're not really gonna kill her. What are we gonna do?

#271
Yeah, shit. That's a bummer. Yeah, you're right.

#272
Let's just follow her for a little. We'll throw a good scare into her.

#273
- Figure out what to do later. - That's just not fun.

#274
- No. I know. It's good enough. - Okay.

#275
(clown shoes squeaking)

#276
(clown shoes squeaking)

#277
(squeaking stops)

#278
(squeaking resumes)

#279
(screaming) (both screaming)

#280
Oh, my God. My eyes feel like fire.

#281
If you hadn't been squeaking around like a goddamn psycho clown,

#282
she never would've noticed us. - No, this is not my fault.

#283
Everything we do is backfiring. We need a new plan.

#284
- But what's the plan? What? - We need a confession.

#285
- What the hell are you doing? - I'm spying.

#286
And I got good news. I know the killer is Mac.

#287
I got hard evidence. I got a confession from his mother.

#288
- I just realized something. - What?

#289
- I know who the killer is. - You do?

#290
Yes. Oh, my God. Dee, the real serial killer is Mac.

#291
(gasps) That's what I just said.

#292
- How did we not see it earlier? - I don't know.

#293
Whatever! I got a plan.

#294
We gotta set a trap. We're gonna get a confession.

#295
But first, we gotta lure him in on the phone.

#296
Hold that thought, Frank. I just came up with a plan.

#297
We need to set a trap and get a confession from him.

#298
- We gotta lure him in on the phone. - Yes!

#299
- Are you shitting me? - Dee, can you do a girl's voice?

#300
Well, this was fun. Right?

#301
Now I'm gonna go. Same time tomorrow?

#302
Well, maybe we could go out or something.

#303
You know, to a restaurant. Or to your bar.

#304
Yeah, that's not gonna work.

#305
I'm getting tired of this.

#306
I feel like you're afraid that people will see us together.

#307
No. I don't care if people see us together.

#308
I don't want them to think that we're dating.

#309
We are dating!

#310
I don't think it's too much to ask for you to keep this quiet,

#311
considering your condition. It's not like I'm ashamed of you.

#312
I'm ashamed of myself.

#313
It's over. I don't know what happened, man, but it's over.

#314
- What's over? Did you go back? - Of course I went back, Charlie.

#315
I told you not to go back. You're digging me a pretty big hole here!

#316
It doesn't matter, because she won't talk to me anymore, dude.

#317
That's interesting. She talks... When did you start hearing voices?

#318
That could actually help us. (ringing)

#319
- What's the I.D.? - Private. Should I answer it?

#320
Yeah. I'll allow it. Go.

#321
Hello?

#322
Okay. Could you hold on one second?

#323
Some chick named Sandy. She said we met at the bar the other night.

#324
- Speakerphone. For this?. - Okay.

#325
- Hey, Sandy. What's crackin'? - This is Mac, right?

#326
Good-looking guy, great sense of humor, really bulky?

#327
- More ripped. - Strike that.

#328
- Jacked. - Irrelevant.

#329
- Toned. - Exaggeration.

#330
- I work out. - I'll allow it.

#331
- Okay. That's me. - Listen. I was thinking,

#332
maybe you should come over to my place tonight.

#333
There's no one here. I'm all alone.

#334
- Could you come take care of me? - I'll allow it.

#335
Yeah. I can take care of you.

#336
- Then I'll see you at my place. - Great. I'll see you tonight.

#337
I'll allow it.

#338
We got him.

#339
Let's get the video camera and get the hell outta here.

#340
- Where are we going? - To catch a predator.

#341
- Whose apartment is this? - My friend Gary's.

#342
- Gary, the hardware store guy? - Yeah. He's, like, never here.

#343
- Why do you have his keys? - 'Cause he asked me

#344
to water his plants when he's out of town.

#345
- All of his plants are dead. - I don't do it.

#346
- I'm gonna go oil my chain saw. - What?

#347
We don't need the chain saw. Is that what's in that bag?

#348
We do. Because drawing a confession out of someone

#349
s like doing a beautiful dance.

#350
A beautiful dance with a chain saw.

#351
- He makes no sense. - I don't get it at all.

#352
- Let's set up. - Yep.

#353
Gettin' laid tonight. "Come on in. I am horny".

#354
Giddyap. Hello?

#355
- Sandy? - Hey, come on in.

#356
Have a seat. I made you some cookies.

#357
I'm just in here changing into my bikini.

#358
- Really? Can I come back? - Uh-uh.

#359
Got the wine coolers.

#360
Yummy. Did you bring any condoms?

#361
Not really into the whole condom thing.

#362
- Hello, Mac. How are you? - What are you doing, dude?

#363
Why don't you have a seat, enjoy a cookie, have some iced tea.

#364
- Okay. - Who are you here to see?

#365
- My friend Sandy. - Sandy. Sandy?

#366
Is Sandy a young, attractive, blonde girl?

#367
- I have no idea. - Sandy?

#368
Why don't you come out here, please?

#369
Why hello, Mac.

#370
- Not so young and attractive? - What?

#371
- Must be a big disappointment. - What is going on here?

#372
- What were you planning on doing? - What do you think?

#373
According to this phone transcript, Mac,

#374
you were going to "take care of her"?

#375
- Yeah. Take care of her. - "The Human Anatomy".

#376
- How about a little light reading? - What are you doing with my book?

#377
- You know where I got it, Mac. - Tie him up!

#378
- Come on, Frank. - Tie me up? Jesus Christ!

#379
- Get the camera away from me! DENNIS: Before you go...

#380
You can't keep running from this. You gotta face this head on!

#381
I'm gonna get you off this. Don't be afraid to show me your ugly side.

#382
All right. Put that away, Frank. You don't need a chain saw.

#383
You're talking to an innocent man.

#384
I'm gonna ask you now 'cause I'm tired and hungry.

#385
I want to go home. I want to wash my hands of this whole stinking mess.

#386
Did you or did you not snap into an alternate and distinct personality

#387
causing you to go on a serial killing rampage?

#388
- What? No. - What? Yes, you did. You...

#389
All right, Mac. You're crazy, right? You're a crazy person.

#390
Sometimes you're two people. Let's see the other guy. Let him out.

#391
- Let who out? - The serial killer, Mac!

#392
- Let the serial killer out! - I'm not a serial killer!

#393
- Then why all the shady behavior? - I've been banging the tranny!

#394
- I didn't want you to find out. - No. You're trying to... What?

#395
- Ew. - Oh.

#396
- I don't even know how that works. - It's complicated. There's a lot...

#397
- She tapes it back. - Oh, my God, man.

#398
- I've been reading up and... - Wait.

#399
Dude, wait. So you're not the serial killer?

#400
- No. - I just won this case.

#401
You're a free man. You're not a serial killer.

#402
See, when I came in... And I was doing...

#403
You guys don't even get it, do you? I'm gonna get a beer.

#404
Dee, do you think this guy's got any beer in his fridge?

#405
No. There's a bunch of severed heads in there.

#406
- ALL: What? There's about 15 severed heads

#407
n there, I'd say.

#408
(gasps)

#409
- Yeah. - There's heads in there.

#410
- There's a lot of heads in there. - A shitload of heads.

#411
- We're in the killer's apartment? - Yes!

#412
- Neighbor Gary? - Gary.

#413
- Oh, my God. - I don't know who Gary is.

#414
(keys jangling) Wait.

#415
I think I hear keys.

#416
(door unlocking)

#417
What are you people doing in my apartment?

#418
(chain saw revs)

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