Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S03E11 — Dennis Looks Like a Registered Sex Offender

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 3, Episode 11 — Dennis Looks Like a Registered Sex Offender

#1
MAC: 6:57, 6:58, 6:59. Seven minutes. Keep going, buddy.

#2
- Frank, you seeing this? - I'm working on the chicken parts.

#3
Forget the chicken parts. Charlie is about to shatter the world record

#4
for holding his breath. He's up to seven minutes.

#5
- Take the buns off the radiator. - Forget the buns.

#6
We are gonna be world famous after this. Charlie, how you doing?

#7
- I gotta breathe, man. - No, don't breathe! One minute!

#8
- Buns are gonna burn! - Don't do that!

#9
Come on! Are you breathing?

#10
- Of course I'm breathing! - Well, you ruined it.

#11
We could have been famous. (knocking) Come in!

#12
Hi. I... Oh, I'm, uh...

#13
What do you want, lady?

#14
Uh, my name is Betty Canuso,

#15
and I don't know if you heard, but a week ago,

#16
Eastern State Correctional Facility was forced to release

#17
25% of its inmates due to overcrowding.

#18
Eastern State? That's where my dad is. Maybe they let my dad out.

#19
- Did they let my dad out, lady? - How would I know that? (chuckles)

#20
Listen, I'm here because of a man named Wendell Albright,

#21
a registered sex offender. He's moved into this neighborhood.

#22
I'm hoping by raising awareness we can force him

#23
out of the neighborhood and away from our children, once and for all.

#24
- It's going on and on. - Is there something you need?

#25
Because we're in the middle of something.

#26
Please post these flyers anywhere you can.

#27
- Okay, okay, okay. - Yes, yes, yes.

#28
Thank you for your time. Out. Get out. Get out.

#29
Some people have no sense of my personal boundaries and property.

#30
Let's set the shit up again.

#31
- Holy shit! - What?

#32
This dude looks just like Dennis.

#33
I do not look like this guy.

#34
- Are you serious, dude? - What are you guys talking about?

#35
- He's, like, 40 years old. - Look at his jawline.

#36
His jaw is exactly where I don't look like him.

#37
- His jaw is fat and it's... - Go, like, this far back.

#38
I never go that far back. When I do, it doesn't do that.

#39
I give you six to eight months before you start looking like that.

#40
That's crazy, man. There's no resemblance. (door closes)

#41
- Hello. - Dad.

#42
They did let you out. Oh, my God.

#43
- Don't touch me. - Right. That's how it goes.

#44
Hey, hey, come meet my friends. Guys, this is my dad.

#45
- Well, Charlie you know. - Hey, hey, man. Hey, by the way,

#46
real sorry about that whole heroin incident in the butt,

#47
but here's the deal. I had my butt filled like a Christmas stocking,

#48
and I wanted to come, I got a little nervous,

#49
everything came flushing out of me.

#50
Wendell "Short-eyes". They let you out too, huh?

#51
What? No, I'm not Wendell "Short-eyes".

#52
- Didn't I stab you once? - No, you never stabbed...

#53
I'm not Wendell, okay? I'm not a sexual child molester.

#54
I'm Dennis Reynolds. I'm handsome and chiseled and...

#55
Now you got me thinking. I gotta go look in a mirror.

#56
Dad, what are you gonna do now that you're out?

#57
- I need a job. - Tell you what. I just got an idea.

#58
Bouncer. Welcome aboard, buddy.

#59
- Right. - Good thinking.

#60
Can I talk to you for a second, you guys?

#61
- Oh, yeah. - Dee, that guy likes your hair.

#62
Yeah, he does. This is a very bad plan.

#63
- What? Which one? - This man should not work here.

#64
- Why are you attacking us? - He looks like he wants to eat me.

#65
Has he ever eaten anybody that you know of?

#66
- I don't think so. - But it'd be pretty cool if he did.

#67
Yeah, that is really cool.

#68
Think about the dedication you got to put into eating a human body.

#69
If he's got that kind of commitment, imagine what...

#70
- Son, where's the telephone? - Do you have plans, Dad?

#71
We could do some father-son stuff. Have a catch. Talk.

#72
No, I'm not gonna do that. But I'll tell you what.

#73
Here's a list of, uh, all the people I, uh,

#74
promised to visit after I got out of prison.

#75
Maybe you can drive me around, help me take care of a few of 'em.

#76
Take care of a few of 'em? Okay, that sounds cool.

#77
- You got a car? - No.

#78
Dennis does, but he won't give me the keys.

#79
That won't be a problem.

#80
I do not want Mac's dad working at our bar.

#81
I was looking in the mirror. I gotta tell you, looks pretty good in here.

#82
- Jawline looks good. - Are you listening to me?

#83
- I don't want to get eaten. - Eaten? He eats people?

#84
- That's awesome. - That's not awesome.

#85
Why do you guys think that eating people is awesome?

#86
- It just is. - Asshole!

#87
What? Did you see that?

#88
Yeah, I saw that. Listen, I need your help, okay?

#89
You're part owner of the bar, and you're probably the only person

#90
that Mac listens to, and I need you talk to him.

#91
Dee, you're blowing this completely out of proportion.

#92
Mac's dad probably hasn't seen a woman in a very long time.

#93
And as soon as he comes across one that's actually attractive,

#94
he's gonna forget all about you, just like every other man does.

#95
- Why do you do that? - Pervert! Dickhead!

#96
Pervert? Dickhead? Why are people yelling at me in the streets, Dee?

#97
Could have something to do with that.

#98
What?

#99
That's gonna be a problem for me.

#100
- Take the TV too. - Frank!

#101
- What the hell's going on in here? - I'm leaving. It's been great.

#102
But I got to get something more out of my life.

#103
Why are you taking all my shit?

#104
It was really hard to tell whose was whose,

#105
so I just decided to take everything. You don't ever use this.

#106
I use that all the time. It's like the only thing I use.

#107
Slow down, Frank. Slow down. What the hell's this all about?

#108
Charlie, I need a woman.

#109
I need a woman to cook for me and clean up after me,

#110
and somebody who'll do everything I say.

#111
That's just a maid. You want a maid?

#112
Yeah. That's right. A maid. A maid I can bang.

#113
Well, what the hell, man? I mean...

#114
I thought we had a pretty sweet thing going on here.

#115
Am I wrong? We had a good deal going on.

#116
We hung out. Breakin' records, eatin' chicken scraps.

#117
- I know you're gonna miss me. - Don't hug me!

#118
Get... Get out of my apartment. Dude, I don't need you. No, wait.

#119
You know what, dude? Before you go, remember one thing.

#120
We had about the sweetest life that two men can have together.

#121
And you're walking out on that.

#122
Charlie, you're gonna have to deal with it. You know why?

#123
- Because I need that bang maid. - All right, fine.

#124
But you're not gonna do very well out there without this guy.

#125
'Cause I may not be much, Frank, but, uh,

#126
I think you'll find that I'm a pretty sweet deal

#127
once you're out there on your own, and I'll tell you what else.

#128
You're not gonna find a bang maid, 'cause there's no such thing.

#129
I already did. Your mom. Good-bye.

#130
(sighs) Okay, let's go.

#131
It's been about 30 minutes, Dad. What were you doing up there?

#132
Hmm? Oh, just, uh, keeping up with my, uh, correspondence.

#133
Oh, that sounds nice. How'd it go?

#134
Well, there was a bit of a struggle, but, uh...

#135
- Turned out just fine. - Oh, good.

#136
Good. So, um... I was thinking we could hang out, you know.

#137
I was thinking we could go on a double date.

#138
Go onto Match.com, find us a couple of hot ladies. What do you think?

#139
- No. - No. Okay. Ooh!

#140
We could go on a road trip. Dad, let's go to Cooperstown, New York.

#141
I have always wanted to go to the Baseball Hall of Fame with my dad.

#142
- You wanna do that with me, Dad? - Start the car.

#143
(clears Throat) Okay. I'll start the car. That's fine.

#144
Um, just school me again here.

#145
Is it the yellow one to the black one, or is there orange involved?

#146
- Red. - Red. Just red. There we go.

#147
Teamwork, right? A little father-son teamwork.

#148
Okay, here we go. Put on your seat belt.

#149
Or don't. Here we go.

#150
It looks great. Stop fiddling with it.

#151
I know it looks great. I just want to make sure the glue holds.

#152
Remember, it's a twofold operation.

#153
We want to prove that you're not Wendell Albright.

#154
- But prove that you are a good guy. - Good guy? (scoffs)

#155
- Check. It comes naturally for me. - Great. Now step one.

#156
This guy's a little paunchy, right? You're not. You got a great body.

#157
But how are we supposed to see that with this billowy shirt you got on?

#158
- Pop that thing off. - Whoa. Wait a second, Dee.

#159
I can't just pop my shirt off in the middle of a park. You crazy?

#160
I feel like you're not using your head.

#161
What better way to differentiate you from this fatty

#162
than by showing off this amazing body you got?

#163
There is an amazing body under this shirt.

#164
- I'm gonna pop the shirt off. - Great, this is what I'm thinking.

#165
You go over there and put on a fitness clinic for these kids.

#166
Show that you care about their physical body.

#167
I would never hurt the kids, but I care about them.

#168
- Absolutely. - I'm gonna go do that right now.

#169
Take a lap. Work those monkey bars.

#170
(children laughing)

#171
Hey, fellas. Hi, there. I am working with a program

#172
that assimilates convicted child molesters into your neighborhood.

#173
Kids, how you doing today? It's a beautiful, sunny day, isn't it?

#174
Gather around, I want to talk to you kids about physical fitness.

#175
Now we're not responsible for making sure these people are rehabilitated,

#176
but this guy's done his time and he deserves a second chance, right?

#177
That's him right over there talking to your kids.

#178
Yeah. Nice and high over that bar, so you can work those muscles.

#179
'Cause you want your muscles to pop, you understand?

#180
You see how these pecs, they're popping?

#181
Take a real close look at this body. This body is chiseled...

#182
- You guys have a great day. - Some people aren't very muscular.

#183
You'll notice the difference. Let me show you another hamstring stretch.

#184
This is a real good one. You're gonna make your legs into a "V".

#185
Like that. You put your hands together and stretch nice and low.

#186
Don't be afraid to stick your ass out. That's not embarrassing.

#187
It's a good thing. Get those hamstrings nice and loose.

#188
- That's a real... - Hey, pervert.

#189
Oh, shit.

#190
A dinner party? I don't think so.

#192
Everybody's gonna be there. My mom, my dad, Charlie.

#193
No, Mac. I don't think I'm ever gonna leave this place.

#194
Nail clippings on command.

#195
Massages and hand jobs being thrown around like hotcakes.

#196
This is a party in your honor. We're celebrating your new relationship.

#197
Can I bring my bang maid?

#198
Of course, dude. You can bring anybody you want.

#199
- Bonnie! - Oh, uh, yes, Frank?

#200
Stop making lasagna. We're goin' out tonight.

#201
- Oh. Okay, Frank. - She's in.

#202
All right, I'll see you tonight at 8:00. And the trap is set.

#203
- Sweet, bro. - What the hell are you doing?

#204
- Siphoning boxed wine. - Why?

#205
Why? Bro, this is the perfect plan, man.

#206
Dude, if we get your dad drunk enough,

#207
he's gonna be able to see past your mother's looks,

#208
past her skin, all that eczema and shit.

#209
He's gonna fall in love with her all over again, buddy.

#210
Now my mom, she gets so belligerent and mean when she's drunk, dude,

#211
she's gonna drive Frank right back into my arms.

#212
- Into your arms? - Into my... Into my home.

#213
Into my futon and my house.

#214
I'm gonna have Frank back is what I'm trying to say, dude.

#215
Right. Where'd all these jars come from?

#216
I emptied out all the tomato sauce.

#217
Seems to me like it'd be easier to steal the box than jars of liquid.

#218
No. No. The jars are... It's easier... You empty... (scoffs)

#219
Where were you 10 minutes ago when I was coming up with this plan?

#220
Okay, I helped you. In fact, I'm still helping you.

#221
I'm giving you ice for your broken face, so you call Mac now.

#222
What are you talking about? You helped me get my ass kicked.

#223
I'm starting to think you did that on purpose.

#224
- What? - Yeah.

#225
Oh, how dare you say it. You call Mac right now.

#226
No. I'm not calling Mac. No. I'm not calling Mac,

#227
because you're not helping me with this molester situation.

#228
I'm gonna call Mac's dad.

#229
I'm gonna tell him you're available, that you were asking about him.

#230
Fine, I'll help you. But then right afterwards, you're helping me.

#231
- Yeah. - Dick.

#232
Yeah.

#233
MAC: Oh, Mom, you're gonna look so good for your date.

#234
All right, here we go.

#235
I think that should just about do it.

#236
What do you think? (TV playing, indistinct)

#237
Can't see the TV.

#238
Right. I was thinking you could lay off the TV, just for an hour.

#239
- Can't see the TV. - Mac, can I talk to you?

#240
Yeah. I'll-I'll be right back, okay?

#241
- Okay, what's up? - Do me a favor.

#242
I'm really in the weeds here, bro.

#243
I need you to take some of these spaghetti sauce things

#244
with all the wine in them. I need you to, like, empty all...

#245
What you talking about? I'm trying to set the right mood in there.

#246
Are you kidding me? I'm the only one in here!

#247
- I'm the only one cooking! - Is that my problem, Charlie?

#248
- What if we have no ambience? - You have any idea what it takes...

#249
- Do you want flat ambience? - Get out of my kitchen!

#250
- Jesus Christ, Charlie. - This is a disaster!

#251
This disaster's on your hands, not mine, okay? Whoa! Dad.

#252
- When did you get here? - Shh.

#253
Right. Right. Oh, surprise, Mom. Surprise! Yeah! It's Dad.

#254
You guys haven't seen each other in so long, huh? It's exciting.

#255
(coughs) Right. Hey, Dad. Dad, doesn't Mom look pretty?

#256
- No. - Oh, boy. (knocking)

#257
Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Here we go. Our guests have arrived. Oh, sorry.

#258
Almost, uh, touched you again. Okay, guys, you guys ready?

#259
All right, you look ready. Let's do it.

#260
It's all happening. Hello. Welcome. Welcome.

#261
- You look good. - Thanks.

#262
- Can I take your coats? - Bonnie, coat. Sit.

#263
- Love you. - Mmm.

#264
- Damn, dude. - Harsh, right? I think so too.

#265
The woman prefers to be treated like shit.

#266
I ain't never seen anything like it in my life.

#267
Attention, everybody! Your dinner is served.

#268
- Ohh! (chuckles) - Pipe down.

#269
- This is, uh, delicious, Charlie. - Why, thank you, Mac.

#270
It's crap. Pure, unadulterated crap.

#271
- Uh, Mother, how's yours? - Um...

#272
It's crap. Pure, unadulterated crap.

#273
I'm not surprised you saying that, considering I took a crap in yours.

#274
No, he didn't. He's joking. He's joking.

#275
Charlie did not crap into anybody's food, okay?

#276
Mother, you might be wanting to have some more of this turkey sangria.

#277
- Wash that crap down, right? - No. Bonnie.

#278
- She doesn't want any more. - Shut up, Frank.

#279
You don't know what she wants any more than she knows what you want.

#280
You know who knows what you want? I do.

#281
I've always known what you want. And I can give you want you want.

#282
Just let me give you what you want.

#283
- I don't think so, Charlie. - Let's change the subject.

#284
Dad, maybe you want to regale us

#285
with a story from prison or my childhood?

#286
- Mm-mmm. - Oh, my. You were in prison?

#287
- Yeah. - That's very interesting, Luther.

#288
Now that you and my mother are opening a dialogue here,

#289
have you taken any time out of your dinner to notice her ample breasts?

#290
- What? - The man's been in prison.

#291
He probably needs a woman. What you may or may not have know

#292
s my mother is one hell of a whore of a man-stealing woman!

#293
- Charlie, that's just rude. - What are you doing, Charlie?

#294
It's okay, because my dad already has a woman, Frank.

#295
- Uh, you have Mom. - She hates me.

#296
That's not true. That's not true. Mom, you don't hate Dad, do you?

#297
- Oh, yeah. - Damn it.

#298
Mother, I don't know if you know this or not,

#299
but Luther happens to be a very successful drug dealer.

#300
This might also appeal to the whore in you.

#301
He has beautiful blue eyes that just pop right out of his head.

#302
- I don't blink. - The man doesn't blink, Mom.

#303
- The man doesn't blink. - Stay away from my bang maid.

#304
Damn it, Frank! This isn't about them or Mac or anyone else.

#305
This is about you and me, bro. This is about dudes living together,

#306
hanging out, sharing their bed and their home and their life...

#307
- No. That's not what this is about! - Yes!

#308
This is about people meeting back up after many years and sparks flying

#309
and families getting back together and raising little boys

#310
so they can be happy again!

#311
Okay, happy boys! This is about happy boys!

#312
Bonnie, I'll call you sometime.

#313
- No! - Oh, that's it! That's it!

#314
You've ruined this, and I'll never forgive you.

#315
- We're out of here. - I will never forgive you.

#316
Oh, come on. You'll forgive me. Mmm! And the seed is planted.

#317
(door closes)

#318
(knocking)

#319
Listen, douche bag. Apparently people think we look alike.

#320
- Personally, I don't see it. - Holy shit! No. Yeah, I see that.

#321
We got the same eyes, same nose, same lips...

#322
- And the chin. - What are you doing?

#323
That's what it is. It's all in here is the same.

#324
- Same jawline and chin... - But look at his whole neck parts.

#325
- Yeah, it's right in here. - Mm-hmm. It's all there.

#326
- What? Who are you here to help? - But look at his...

#327
I have a chiseled, noble... That's not the point.

#328
The point is you got to leave so I can live my life in peace.

#329
Listen, pal. This is a pretty sweet situation I got going here.

#330
You're out there looking like me taking all my heat

#331
while I'm in here watching the Disney channel all day long.

#332
- Why the hell would I move? - We were afraid it was like that.

#333
Timmy, could you come out here for a second?

#334
Timmy, will you recite for our husky friend here

#335
the little courtroom speech we prepared?

#336
I have a friend. His name is Wendell.

#337
He showed me funny movies with fully naked people in them.

#338
He gives me juice boxes that make me sleepy.

#339
- All right, I get it. - He's silly. He's a tickle monster.

#340
Listen, kid, I said I get it, okay?

#341
He makes me taste things I don't want to. Puts things in my heinie.

#342
Goddamn it! Will you make the kid stop, please? Come on.

#343
- I think that ought to do it. - Yeah. That's good, Timmy.

#344
- So you'll leave? - Yeah, I'll leave. (scoffs)

#345
(radio) #Lady

#346
#When you're with me I'm smiling

#347
#Give me Whoa-oa-oa, all your love#

#348
- So I say that went very well. - Shut up, Charlie.

#349
Hey, hey, hey. I agree with Charlie.

#350
I thought it was nice. Hey, pull over. Pull over.

#351
- Here? - Yeah, yeah.

#352
What, do you have another name on your correspondence list?

#353
Yeah. Okay, you two, stay right here. (radio off)

#354
This one shouldn't take long.

#355
Can I talk to you for one second? What the hell's up with that?

#356
- I don't know. - That's weird.

#357
- He's been weird about the list. - What's this correspondence list?

#358
Don't know, who are these people? Judge Hatcher.

#359
District Attorney Andrews. Warden Phillips.

#360
What? I think he's killing those people.

#361
Holy shit! He's killing... He's probably eating them too, dude.

#362
And although I think eating people is very cool, not if we're involved.

#363
- Charlie, he's not killing anybody. - We're accomplices.

#364
No, we are not. He told me these are people from his past,

#365
and he's got to take care of them. And once he takes care of them,

#366
he's gonna take care of me. (both gasping)

#367
Oh, my God! That doesn't sound good.

#368
- Doesn't sound good at all for you. - I'm on the list, of course.

#369
And then... Uh-oh. Number 12.

#370
- What? - Charlie.

#371
Why am I on there? I don't belong on there!

#372
That's bullshit! You don't put a man on a list! Rip it off!

#373
You think he memorized it? Of course he memorized it. That's pointless.

#374
Oh, my God! What's this about? Why am I on the list?

#375
- Charlie... - It's the heroin thing.

#376
Remember when he asked us to put heroin in our butts

#377
and smuggle it into prison and we didn't do it?

#378
Now he's all hot and bothered 'cause we don't give him heroin?

#379
We don't put it in our butts? You don't do that!

#380
You don't eat someone 'cause they don't have heroin in their ass!

#381
Let's get out of here. (screams)

#382
- Hold on! Calm down, Charlie! - Red to red! Red to red!

#383
- Are you sure it's red to red? - Am I sure it's red to red?

#384
- You hold this one! - Oh, my God! Red to red!

#385
I can do it, right? (screams)

#386
#Lady# CHARLIE: Let's go!

#387
#Of the morning# (screams)

#388
(knocking)

#389
- What can I do you for? - We need to talk.

#390
What is going on in here?

#391
Just laying low and breaking world records.

#392
- Don't even think about breathing. - All right, so here's the deal.

#393
Got rid of that child molester. The sexual predator guy?

#394
He's gone. He's out of the situation so my problems are solved.

#395
- You had a thing too, right? - I want your dad out of the bar.

#396
- Great. Me too. - Really?

#397
I'm pretty sure he wants to kill me, actually.

#398
Why would your dad want to kill you?

#399
Not sure. But we've been driving around in your car.

#400
- He's got this list of names. - Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a second.

#401
- You've been driving in my car? - Uh, my dad made me steal it.

#402
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry, dude. - That son of a bitch.

#403
He's a dangerous man, and I don't want him in the bar anymore.

#404
- Are you kidding me? - That's final! Don't argue with me!

#405
Mac, call the police.

#406
(gobbing) Good-bye. Good-bye. Luther!

#407
- I'll wait for you. - Mom, are you okay?

#408
- Are you okay? - Charlie, they're taking him away.

#409
- They're taking away my Luther. - Mom, I was... Mom! Mom, sorry.

#410
Can you listen to me? Don't ever take Frank from me again!

#411
- He's mine now! I got him back. - What?

#412
- Officer, we know everything. - What are you talking about?

#413
We're the ones that called you. That's my dad you're arresting.

#414
He's been killing all the people on this list.

#415
Oh, yeah. We looked into all that already.

#416
He wasn't killing those people.

#417
In fact, everybody on that list spoke very highly of him.

#418
- Spoke highly of him? - What?

#419
Apparently, he was making amends with all the people he wronged.

#420
If he hasn't been killing anybody, why are you arresting him?

#421
Because he violated his parole. He's not supposed to leave the state

#422
and we caught him buying three airline tickets.

#423
- To where? - Cooperstown, New York.

#424
Said he was gonna take a guy named Mac and a guy named Charlie.

#425
- You guys have a good one, huh? - Yeah.

#426
Oh, my God. Dad. Dad!

#427
Dad, you did want to take me to the Hall of Fame.

#428
Well, I wanted it to be a surprise.

#429
It is a surprise. It's a huge surprise, Dad.

#430
I wanted Charlie to know there were no hard feelings about that whole...

#431
- You know, heroin thing. - Ohh. Oh, my God, Dad.

#432
I am so sorry for ratting you out and turning you in.

#433
You weren't gonna kill me. Of course you weren't gonna kill me.

#434
- I'm your son. (chuckles) - No, I wasn't gonna kill you.

#435
But I'm going to now.

#436
- Huh? - Yeah.

#437
As soon as I get out, I'm gonna kill you.

#438
See you, Son. See you real soon.

#439
(engine starts)

#440
#Lady

#441
#Of the morning

#442
#Love shines

#443
#In your eyes

#444
#Sparkling

#445
#Clear and lovely

#446
#You're my lady

#447
#Lady

#448
#Turns me on when I'm lonely

#449
#Show me, whoa-oa-oa#

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