Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S03E12 — The Gang Gets Whacked (1)

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 3, Episode 12 — The Gang Gets Whacked (1)

#1
DENNIS: Oh, wow, dude. This thing is disgusting.

#2
MAC: There's so much rust. Maybe we should wipe it with a wet rag.

#3
- I'm not gonna do that! - Why not?

#4
Because it's a goddamn circuit breaker. We'll get electrocuted.

#5
I'm just gonna use this screwdriver, all right?

#6
It's got a rubber handle. That'll keep me grounded.

#7
No, I'm pretty sure you have to be standing on rubber.

#8
The bottoms of my shoes are rubber.

#9
No! You know what it is? You can't be standing on the ground at all.

#10
Maybe you should jump up into midair and do it.

#11
Yeah. If you jump into the air and grab a live wire,

#12
you... won't get electrocuted.

#13
But then if you land on the ground and you're still holding that wire,

#14
you'll be blown to bits. I saw it in "Tango and Cash".

#15
So I'm supposed to risk my life based on something...

#16
that you saw in the movie "Tango and Cash"?

#17
- Kurt Russell... I think. - I'll jam this with a screwdriver.

#18
The rubber handle will ground me and I'll be safe.

#19
- All right. Give it a shot. - Okay.

#20
- It's all set to scrape... - Oh, my God!

#21
Holy shit!

#22
FRANK: Whoa, whoa! What the hell are you doing?

#23
- It exploded. - You're making it worse!

#24
Bro, you gotta pay somebody to fix this, man.

#25
No! I'm tired of spending my money...

#26
every time something goes wrong in this place.

#27
We can't fix it, Frank! It's too dangerous!

#28
- It scared the shit out of me. - Well, get Charlie to do it.

#29
He won't go near the thing. He's been electrocuted, like, 500 times.

#30
Yeah. I think he's starting to catch on to that.

#31
Get me a harness 'cause I'll have to be swinging in the air to do this.

#32
- Are you kidding me? - I told you.

#33
Did you get the flashlights?

#34
Forget about the flashlights! Check these bad boys out!

#35
- They fell off the back of a truck. - Nice grab.

#36
But what about the flashlights?

#37
Uh, I'm sorry. Someone wasn't paying attention, right?

#38
Free speakers, dude! Free speakers for the bar!

#39
- Mac, let's plug these bad boys in. - We don't have any electricity!

#40
- That's why we need the flashlight. - Careful!

#41
I'm sorry. I didn't...

#42
- Holy shit. DEE: What is that?

#43
- Oh, my God. - Whoa.

#44
- That's a... big bag of drugs. - This is not good, dude.

#45
Somebody'll be looking for those drugs.

#46
Relax. They're gonna be shit out of luck 'cause no one...

#47
- No one saw us take the speakers. - Did they?

#48
- See us take... (scoffs) - No.

#49
There you have it. Look, let's not worry or panic.

#50
This is... (swallows) This is a lot of drugs.

#51
But, like, what's the worst that could happen? (chuckles)

#52
- Gotta get rid of it. - Yeah. Drugs are bad news.

#53
- Let's get rid of it. - Throw it in the garbage.

#54
Ooh, you can't do that 'cause a kid could find it.

#55
- Right. - Burn it.

#56
Then we're dealing with a fume situation.

#57
- Yeah. You gotta wear masks and... - Yeah, it's a whole thing and...

#58
- It's a big production. - All right, then bury it!

#59
No, see. Now we're back to the kids again.

#60
Because kids run with shovels, playing in dirt.

#61
- And then one of them's gonna... - Okay. Call the police.

#62
What, are we gonna just solve society's drug problem?

#63
- You know what I mean? No! - Is that on us? Is that on us now?

#64
The community is still going down the toilet.

#65
So I think what you're saying, Sweet Dee,

#66
s that we could use the unsolvable drug problem in our society...

#67
to fix the solvable light problem in our bar.

#68
- Yes. - Absolutely. I hear you.

#69
We're saying we're gonna do the drugs,

#70
and then we're gonna try and fix the lights.

#71
- Charlie didn't understand that. - That's asinine.

#72
Yeah, we're gonna flip the drugs.

#73
Make a bunch of money. Use that money to fix the electricity.

#74
All right. Well, both ways work. I kinda like my way.

#75
- Your way's terrible. - I'm in.

#76
- Let's sell these drugs. - You're not in.

#77
- Thank you. - And you're not gonna sell them.

#78
We'll do it, Charlie. Because we found the drugs.

#79
- And you're bossy. - Very bossy.

#80
- I'm not bossy. - Scumbags!

#81
Frank, come on. Look, we're trying to get some money...

#82
to fix the lights in our bar because you won't give it to us.

#83
Back in my day, only the biggest pieces of shit dealt drugs.

#84
We're not gonna deal drugs. We're gonna flip it.

#85
- We'll flip it once. - It's a onetime flip.

#86
We'll go to your... that shady guy Bingo that you know.

#87
We'll say, you know, "Here's a pile of drugs. Give us some money."

#88
Oh, no, no, no. You don't go to Bingo. Bingo is my contact.

#89
I'm sorry. I don't think you can call dibs

#90
on a shady people-smuggler. - You can't do that.

#91
Just do not mention my name!

#92
Relax, dude. No one's gonna mention your name.

#93
Hey, Bingo. Frank sent us.

#94
Frank, huh? I'm gonna skin that son of a bitch and wear his face.

#95
- Anyway, what's up? - Well, we're trying...

#96
- Don't look at me. - Excuse me?

#97
- Look up. Up. - Okay.

#98
- Is this good? - That's fine. Now speak.

#99
Uh, okay. Uh, well, listen, Bingo.

#100
We got a bucket of nose clams fresh from the sea.

#101
Sweet, delicious nose clams that are looking for a home if you follow me.

#102
No. I don't follow you. I don't know what the hell you're talking about.

#103
Yes, you do. It's not confusing.

#104
Just everybody settle down. These are the kind of "nose clams"

#105
that make you want to dance the night away.

#106
I don't get what the hell you're talking about.

#107
- It's so obvious! - You know what? It's not obvious.

#108
Now you're being too vague. You're talking about dancing clams.

#109
(groaning) What's gonna make you dance?

#110
These are the kind of nose clams

#111
that you crush up into a line of white powder.

#112
And you snort them up through your nose. And they make you high.

#113
You use a dollar bill or a straw to do it. They come from Colombia.

#114
They're illegal. And they rhyme with "propane".

#115
Perfect. You found a perfect medium ground there.

#116
- So you want to sell me cocaine? - Yes!

#117
Why didn't you come out and say that instead of dancing around it.

#118
We talked about it in the car. It's a thing you do.

#119
That is the kindergarten behavior of drug dealing.

#120
- Do you want them or not? - Yeah, of course I do.

#121
- Oh, great. Well, here you go. - Thank you.

#122
- Eyes, boom. - Yeah.

#123
- Oh! (laughs) - Oh!

#124
Youse two. We need to talk to youse. Huh?

#125
Oh, shit. Are you guys gangsters?

#126
(together) - Shut up! - Ah, owe me a Coke.

#127
Listen, rumor has it that somebody who works at this bar...

#128
found a certain somethin' that belongs to us.

#129
A certain somethin' which may or may not have fallen off a certain truck.

#130
And the certain somebody we know

#131
thinks they saw that certain someone pick it up

#132
and take it back to that certain bar,

#133
which may or may not be the place that we happen to be or not be...

#134
talkin' to a couple of certain somebodies right this very second.

#135
Capisce? Huh?

#136
Fellas, we're about six beers' deep.

#137
So I think you're gonna have to...

#138
be a little bit more clear 'cause I didn't get that last part.

#139
I missed out on the whole thing to be honest.

#140
I was confused by it. I'm very confused by the...

#141
I was very confused by the whole thing, if I'm being honest.

#142
Look, why don't you just return what belongs to us...

#143
or pay us the 25 G's that it's worth, and we'll be square.

#144
- Youse got until Friday, huh? - What happens on Friday?

#145
(chuckles)

#146
Well, Friday is the day... that we may or may not be forced...

#147
to chop your limbs off...

#148
and distribute them evenly amongst your friends and your family.

#149
And that's Friday.

#150
- Friday. - Okay.

#151
Well, thanks, gentlemen. That's very... a very clear message.

#152
And we will certainly get on that right away.

#153
- Yeah. Okay. - That's muched appreciated.

#154
- Uh, good day to youse. - And good day to youse.

#155
Come on. What's the matter with you? Chewin' in my ear all the time.

#156
Come on. Come on. Come on.

#157
Holy shit!

#158
(Charlie cheers)

#159
#Guess who sold the drugs And we can fix the lights now#

#160
- The lights are fixed. - Yeah, man.

#161
- No shit. How'd you do that? - We got bigger problems than that.

#162
The drugs that you just sold, they belong to the mob.

#163
- What? - Yeah, they saw you guys.

#164
Yeah. Guys, real-life actual gangsters. It was pretty cool.

#165
- They came to the bar... - It was not cool!

#166
Look! The point is,

#167
we're gonna give them the money that you got from Bingo. So it's...

#168
Cool. And then maybe we can keep a little for ourselves too.

#169
- Yeah, well, how much did you get? - Oh, dude. A one, a two,

#170
a 300 dollars! - Hello.

#171
You guys, those drugs were worth 25 grand!

#172
Oh, shit! Are you serious?

#173
- Yes! - I told you.

#174
- I asked for more money. - What?

#175
- Yes, I did. - No, you didn't!

#176
I was using "Dead Presidents" as a cover. You didn't get that?

#177
He said to the man he wanted many, many thousands of green people...

#178
(together) from history times.

#179
Oh, my God. We are so screwed.

#180
How are we gonna get 25 grand by Friday?

#181
Don't look at me. You made this bed.

#182
You're sleeping in it. This is a life lesson for you.

#183
This is not the time to be throwing down life lessons.

#184
We are going to get whacked off by a bunch of scary Italian guys.

#185
Did they say they're gonna whack us off?

#186
They implied all of us!

#187
Nobody's gonna get whacked off today, okay? Listen.

#188
We're gonna take the money. We'll get our drugs back from Bingo.

#189
We'll give it to the mob. And we'll pretend none of this ever happened.

#190
- And this time I'll do the talking! - Okay.

#191
Just keep my name out of it.

#192
Frank said to tell you to sell us back our drugs.

#193
- Okay. No problem. - Good. Good.

#194
- Excellent. - Problem solved.

#195
- 5,000 dollars. - What?

#196
Just an hour ago, you gave us 300 for 'em.

#197
- Yeah, I don't recall that. CHARLIE: Come on!

#198
All right. What can we get for 300 then?

#199
Uh, you want an exotic bird? (all clamoring)

#200
If you're gonna play this game, we need to buy something from you...

#201
that we can sell back to other people at a higher price.

#202
- Yeah. - Okay. OxyContin.

#203
It's a very popular pill these days.

#204
And I happen to have a whole shitload of it.

#205
- How much? - 1,200.

#206
- Oh, boy. - That's gonna...

#207
- Bingo! Wow. - Goodness gracious with this guy.

#208
If it's not one thing, it's another thing.

#209
Okay. But think about it this way.

#210
If we split it, it's only a few hundred dollars each.

#211
Let me just go grab my cash from my money tree that I have planted.

#212
I know a leprechaun who has a pot of gold. Lives at the end of my street.

#213
Maybe I'll go to a bank and say, "Hello. Do I have an account here?"

#214
Call Donald Trump!

#215
How do three men in their 30s not have 800 dollars between them?

#216
- They're... - The economy is in shambles.

#217
- Have you taken a close look... - The NASDAQ!

#218
- At the marketplace right now? - Dow Jones!

#219
Stop talking, goddamn it! Fine! I'll do it!

#220
I'm not getting my money back, am I?

#221
Give us money.

#222
Boom.

#223
What am I supposed to do with that?

#224
- You tell us. - Yeah. Bingo said

#225
you knew how to sell those drugs. - I told you not to involve me!

#226
- Did you mention my name? - First thing we did.

#227
- You gonna harp on it all day? - Goddamn it!

#228
- The guy's gonna skin me alive. - He is gonna skin you alive.

#229
- He mentioned something about it. - Will you just pay the mob off

#230
so we don't have to sell these pills?

#231
I am not using any more of my money!

#232
- The mob is gonna kill us, man! - Look, if I cave on this,

#233
I'm gonna be bailing you guys out for the rest of my life.

#234
I'm putting my foot down on this one.

#235
You bitches gotta earn your own money!

#236
Fine! Whatever! It doesn't matter.

#237
Because, seeing as how I'm the boss...

#238
- You're not the boss. - Oh, yes, I am.

#239
I've come up with an excellent idea.

#240
Frank, you are gonna get us into that country club

#241
that you used to belong to. And we're gonna sell the pills there.

#242
- That'd be a good place. - Yes. Thank you very much.

#243
You can't make no 25,000 dollars from that amount of pills.

#244
- How long you got? - Till Friday.

#245
You're gonna have to turn a trick or two. Go into prostitution.

#246
You are disgusting! How could you suggest...

#247
I am absolutely not doing that!

#248
I wasn't talking about you.

#249
Guys at those country clubs get hotter broads than you.

#250
- I would think, yeah. - I was saying the male escort

#251
s really hard to come by.

#252
I'm picking up what you're putting down. I'll do it.

#253
Uh, Charlie, you're not quite cut from the right cloth.

#254
- What? - Okay. Make it me.

#255
Mac, you're too low class. All those women are gonna think

#256
they're gonna catch somethin' from you.

#257
- They are. They will. - I was thinking about Dennis.

#258
Right. Now, Frank, will any of these women be attractive in any way?

#259
- Probably not. - Then I'm not going to do it.

#260
Let's sell some drugs. Why are you grabbing it?

#261
- I'm the boss. Get out. - Very grabby. Really?

#262
Okay. I think we gotta look for old ladies with lots of big jewelry.

#263
- They got the deepest pockets. - Ah, that's my girl.

#264
Dennis, I think you should unbutton this button too.

#265
- No... - Show a little chest.

#266
Frank, I know what you're trying to do. And I'm not gonna be a whore.

#267
So just drop it. All right?

#268
Holy shit. Did you guys see that midget dressed like a lawn jockey?

#269
- That's a jockey, Charlie. - Do what, now?

#270
That's a real jockey.

#271
The ones that ride on the horses... Forget it!

#272
Wait, wait, wait, wait. They have horses here?

#273
There's a racetrack next door, dude.

#274
- Bye-bye. - What? No!

#275
- Where are you going? - All right, whatever!

#276
- Let's split up. - I call Dennis.

#277
No. I'm not gonna be a whore, Frank.

#278
You're already a whore. Why not make some money at it?

#279
You're gonna try and make me bang old ladies.

#280
Then you're gonna have me move on to dudes.

#281
We're wasting time. Dee! Let's split up!

#282
Come on!

#283
Oh, that's good, huh? You like that?

#284
- It's a real beaut, ain't she? - Holy shit. You can talk?

#285
- What? (chuckles) - That is great.

#286
I would've figured if anything, your voice would be like super high.

#287
All right. Well, good for you.

#288
She normally doesn't take to strangers. She must like you, huh?

#289
Yeah. Wow. You know, she seems like a real nice horse.

#290
Well, actually, she kicked the last stable boy's brains in.

#291
He takes his food through a straw now.

#292
- I bet. - Hey,

#293
you wouldn't be interested in taking his job, would ya?

#294
I'd be very interested.

#295
Well, you have any qualms about picking up shit?

#296
(whistles) Terrific. Terrific.

#297
Usually, we'd use a shovel for that. But to each his own,

#298
- I guess. Why don't you come... - Not me.

#299
... and meet the fellas? (mutters) - All right.

#300
Oh, right. Good work.

#301
Okay. Now, there's only one thing that these rich old men understand.

#302
And that is money. So I am gonna play the role

#303
of a high-powered executive. And you are going to be my secretary, Linda.

#304
Ooh! No. No. I will be your business partner.

#305
Dee, these guys are old school, okay?

#306
They don't like women's rights. Don't give me any lip!

#307
The first thing I need you to do is get Jameson on the phone...

#308
and tell him I don't need his 650,000 dollar investment.

#309
He can shove it right back up his ass.

#310
Ooh, I got a better idea, Bob. How about you do it?

#311
- What's that? - Yeah.

#312
I think you should get Jameson on the phone for me.

#313
Well, why would I do that, Linda? You're my secretary and a woman.

#314
(chuckles) What do you know about investing?

#315
Oh, I'm sorry, Bob. Remind me again what we're having Jameson invest in?

#316
Jameson is investing in new technologies.

#317
DEE: Really? Which ones? - Lasers.

#318
- Lasers! - Yep.

#319
- That is adorable. - Lasers, Linda!

#320
Who wants to buy some drugs?

#321
- Hey, man. You workin'? - Excuse me?

#323
(scoffs) No, look, I'm not a gigolo, all right?

#324
- For real? - Yeah.

#325
Hey, a good-looking guy like you could do very well in my business.

#326
Thanks. But I'm not really into banging old ladies.

#327
Bang them? No, bro.

#328
You got it all wrong, man. These women are classy.

#329
Yeah, they just want someone to be nice to them.

#330
Flirt a little bit. That's it.

#331
Really? I wouldn't have to bang these ladies?

#332
No. Bro, it's all fancy dinners, exotic vacations.

#333
These ladies have so much cash, man. It's the life.

#334
You should really think about it.

#335
You could make a killing here, bro.

#336
Huh.

#337
(man singing: Spanish) Hey.

#338
- Nice work. - Hey, thanks, man.

#339
- Oh, that's yours. - Thank you very much.

#340
- Yours. Thank you. - Hey, man. You said 20.

#341
- Take it or leave it. - Hey, whatever, homes.

#342
Puta pendejo.

#343
(laughing, chattering)

#344
Man, these guys are crazy. I can't believe they bought all my pills.

#345
Ah, you know what they say. Nobody parties like a jockey!

#346
I was not familiar with that expression, Buster.

#347
- I didn't even know you could talk. - So you want that job or not?

#348
I tell you what. I got a little something

#349
I gotta straighten out with the mafia. You know how that goes.

#350
- Oh, sure. - But when that's done, maybe.

#351
Because there's something about that horse, Buster.

#352
You know, it's like we looked at each other.

#353
And then there was eye contact. And I was looking at the horse.

#354
The horse was looking at me. And then it hit me, I think maybe...

#355
I was a centaur in my past life.

#356
Something tells me you probably were never half-man, half-horse.

#357
But, hell, what do I know? All I know is you got a great attitude.

#358
So come on, you old son of a gun,

#359
and let Buster do a line off your boner.

#360
(inhales) No?

#361
Uh, "garzon," why don't you hook up the young lady here...

#362
with one of your best strawberry daiquiris?

#363
All righty. Thanks.

#364
Hey, how's it going, man? Uh, did you sell any of your pills?

#365
No. Actually, I'm kind of working a different angle here, Charlie.

#366
- Check it out. I sold all of mine. - Okay, that's...

#367
Lawn jockeys are crazy people, man. Did you know that?

#368
Great. But... You're kinda cramping my style.

#369
I'm trying to drum up business here. You know what I'm saying?

#370
Dude, I think I was a centaur in my past life.

#371
It totally occurred to me.

#372
What makes you think you were half-man, half-horse?

#373
Charlie. Come on. Out, out. He's working.

#374
- What? I'm enjoying a roll. - He's working.

#375
Will you please get out of here? You smell like cheese.

#376
No, no. It's horse shit.

#377
Well, whatever it is, it's terrible. Okay?

#378
Let's call it what it is. It's horse shit. I have it all over my hands.

#379
- Let's go. Get up. - But it's not cheese.

#380
The horse was eating a lot of cheese. I don't know what it is.

#381
- You stink. - Come on. Get up.

#382
- I don't wanna get up. - Frank, as a matter of fact,

#383
you don't smell much better. If you could get out of here,

#384
that would be really helpful. - Don't talk to me that way.

#385
Don't talk to me. I am your pimp.

#386
- You are my ho. CHARLIE: Look, dude.

#387
- Horses don't eat cheese. - You are ruining this!

#388
Will you get out of here, for the love of all that is holy on earth!

#389
- You reek of cheese! MAN: Excuse me.

#390
Are you the Reynolds party?

#391
- Yeah. Yeah. - Uh-huh.

#392
We had to escort your friends off the property.

#393
They're waiting for you by your car.

#394
Oh...

#395
Yeah. Where? Ah, the guilty parties.

#396
Yeah. Yeah, Mac made a whole series of bad decisions.

#397
And then we got kicked out, and they stole our drugs.

#398
- Was he being bossy? - Yeah. He was being very bossy.

#399
- And now we've got nothing. - All right. It's not a total loss.

#400
- No, no, no. - I sold all my pills.

#401
- Oh! Nice. - Oh, that's awesome.

#402
- What about you, Dennis? - Dennis is a prostitute now.

#403
- Good. - No, I'm not a prostitute, okay?

#404
- Yes, he is. - There's no banging old ladies

#405
and dudes. All right? I will be providing a very important service,

#406
however, as what I would like to be called a handsome companion.

#407
- To dudes? - To guys or...

#408
No, not to dudes. No, hang on.

#409
Hold on. Hang on. To old, fancy, rich ladies...

#410
who want to do classy, exotic, fancy things with me.

#411
Great. Dennis, you keep banging dudes.

#412
Dee, let's take Charlie's money and go buy some cocaine.

#413
Do you see what you're doing here with the bossiness again?

#414
- And the demanding. - Ordering everyone around.

#415
- I don't appreciate it. - Oh, he's out.

#416
You're not kicking me out. I'm your boss!

#417
You're the only one who hasn't made any forward progress today.

#418
- Just hang back. - Wait.

#419
I'm just supposed to put my life into your hands?

#420
- Look, man. We're in some... - Leave your ego out of it.

#421
Excuse me! We're in some serious hot water here...

#422
because of you and your bossiness, all right?

#423
I think you should stop acting like such a baby.

#424
- So you're gonna leave me here? - We cannot have you around us

#425
screwing things up! - How am I supposed to get home?

#426
DEE: You're supposed to walk like the rest of the Americans.

#427
You walk, you know? On their two feet!

#428
- Walk? It's like 40 miles! - Oh, that's why young people...

#429
You can't do this to me! You can't do this!

#430
I'm smart, and I deserve respect!

#431
I'm gonna get you sons of bitches!

#432
(horn honking)

#433
MAN: Whoa! - You want to stop it already?

#434
(clamoring) It's all right.

#435
I put the parking brake on. Sorry about that, boys.

#436
- Hey, you got our money? - No, I do not have your money.

#437
But I think there's been a misunderstanding here.

#438
- And I want to set it straight. - Proceed.

#439
Well, ever since your alleged package... (man chuckles)

#440
came into my bar, I may or may not...

#441
have had absolutely nothing to do with it.

#442
- You did or you didn't? - I did.

#443
You did have something to do with it?

#444
No. No. I did have absolutely nothing to do with it.

#445
Wait, wait. You just said you did have something to do with it.

#446
I think I said I did have absolutely nothing to do with it.

#447
- But you said... - Are you sure?

#448
When you use a double negative, it becomes something totally different.

#449
We can get into that later. The point is this, guys.

#450
I want to get in on what you guys got.

#451
I want to dress like a track star.

#452
I want to wear gold shit and slick my hair back

#453
and grow a pompadour, you know? - You want to join our crew, huh?

#454
- More than anything. - Okay, first things first.

#455
- You gotta prove your loyalty. - Prove my loyalty?

#456
Yeah. I want you... to go clean the bathrooms.

#457
- Yeah. - The bathrooms?

#458
- Yeah. The bathrooms. - Why?

#459
'Cause that's the first step in becoming a part of our crew!

#460
Okay. Guys, I clean a mean bathroom.

#461
I learned from one of my friends, You'll get to know him too maybe.

#462
- I'll bring him in. - I'm sure you will.

#463
- Thank you. Thank you. - Go.

#464
You gonna really let him be part of our crew?

#465
Hey, summer squash for brains,

#466
I'm gonna make him our bitch till Friday.

#467
- Oh, bitch boy. - Bitch boy.

#468
And after that?

#469
I wanna whack him off irregardless.

#470
(laughing continues)

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