Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S03E13 — The Gang Gets Whacked (2)

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 3, Episode 13 — The Gang Gets Whacked (2)

#1
DEE: We keep putting more on, and it's not showing up at all.

#2
Well, then I guess cocaine is weightless, all right?

#3
I'm gonna file that up here actually.

#4
- What are you doing? - Cleaning my hands off.

#5
- What are you, a cat? Use a towel. - My mouth's right here.

#6
We talked about this. No getting high on the supply.

#7
I'm not getting high. I'm just cleaning my hands.

#8
We have to be very careful, considering our past addictions

#9
to glue and crack. - We got over that.

#10
I got over that. I don't smoke crack anymore.

#11
You huff glue every single day.

#12
- No, I don't. - No? Did you have any today?

#13
I feel gross, Frank. We made a thousand dollars.

#14
No. I made a thousand dollars.

#15
You didn't do shit. You sat in the car and read a magazine.

#16
What the hell do I need you for? Give me that money.

#17
Every ho needs his pimp.

#18
- We got any vials around here? - Vials for what?

#19
We went back to Bingo. We got a little of the cocaine back...

#20
with the money that we got from the pills.

#21
You better go back and get a gun, because dealin' drugs is dangerous.

#22
No, it isn't. It's a rich person's drug. There's no danger involved.

#23
It's stockbrokers,

#24
high-powered business executives. - We'll go down to Center City...

#25
Waltz into a board meeting, slap the drugs down on the conference table

#26
and be, like, "Hey, you guys wanna buy drugs? We're drug dealers."

#27
You saying that's not gonna work? What are you saying exactly?

#28
- I'm saying that that is not... - You don't like that idea?

#29
At least we didn't become prostitutes.

#30
I am not a prostitute. I am providing...

#31
Let me handle this. Dennis is providing a very important service

#32
to lonely people in need. - Really?

#33
- So he speaks for you now? DENNIS: No.

#34
He doesn't have to speak if he doesn't want to.

#35
- I don't? Really? - No. You leave everything to me.

#36
All you have to do is sit there, relax, have yourself a drink...

#37
and just keep looking handsome.

#38
Okay. I like that arrangement. Get me a beer, Frank.

#39
- Oh, no beer. Yep. - Too many calories.

#40
It's all about keeping this body fit.

#41
- I'll get you a nice vodka tonic. - That doesn't have much calories,

#42
so I think that's a smart... drink. - I take care of my boy.

#43
Every time you talk, you weaken the nation. Shut up.

#44
- Why you wanna hurt me? - I'm not hurtin' you.

#45
- Just shut up and play cards. - You judge me all the time.

#46
I'm just tryin' to remain elegant over here.

#47
Don't try so hard. Remain quiet.

#48
Oh! Youse guys got the right idea with these.

#49
It's, like, the perfect mix of comfort and wind resistance.

#50
They make that in men's? (laughing)

#51
Huh? I think this is men's. Yeah, it's men's.

#52
Listen. I was thinkin' we go down to Paddy's, put the squeeze on 'em.

#53
We're right in the middle of somethin' right now.

#54
Don't you guys do anything besides play cards and eat deli meats?

#55
Go wash my car. (laughs)

#56
Fellas! I feel like I'm being seriously underutilized here.

#57
Look, if you just give me a chance, I could show you

#58
how hard I actually am. - What?

#59
That's right. I'm so hard that people are scared of me.

#60
And they should be, 'cause I'll explode all over them.

#61
(all groan) What's the matter with you?

#62
- I'm eatin' here. - What?

#63
- You're talkin' about your dick? - My dick?

#64
No, I'm talkin' about my brute force

#65
and my catlike reflexes. - You hear that, Anthony?

#66
He's got "catlikereflexes". (hisses)

#67
That's right. Hands like a cat.

#68
You know what? I think someone just earned themselves a nickname.

#69
- Really? What? ANTHONY: Yep.

#70
From now on, you'll be known as Pussy Hands.

#71
(all laughing)

#72
I'd like to go on record saying I don't like Pussy Hands.

#73
- But Cougar Hands would be good. - Here's to you, Pussy Hands.

#74
That's great. It's settled. Hey, Pussy Hands, go wash my car.

#75
- How about Jaguar Hands? - Nah.

#76
- Leopard Hands? - Nah.

#77
- Panther Hands. - Nah.

#78
Goddamn it.

#79
(laughing) Go get your saucer of milk, honey.

#80
He does have gorgeous hands though.

#81
- Excuse us. - Excuse me. Sir? Ma'am?

#82
- Would you two be interested in... - These people are walking too fast.

#83
You know what we should do? We should go back to the country club.

#84
Remember the country club, with the jockeys?

#85
- This about the horse, Charlie? - It is about the horse.

#86
- Goddamn it. - I'm pretty sure

#87
those jockeys are raping that horse. They're raping the shit out of it.

#88
Excuse me, sir. Can I... They're racing by us as fast as they can.

#89
These people are revved up. They're in fifth gear,

#90
and we're stuck in first. We need to boost our rpm's up.

#91
- Let's get goin' a little bit. - What are you suggesting?

#92
A little dip into our Bolivian marching powder,

#93
then we're back on the street. - Not in your nose.

#94
That's how you become a drug addict. Rub it all over your gums, Dee.

#95
- All over your gums. - Okay.

#96
Feel that? How's that feel for you?

#97
Whoa. I see what you mean, Charlie.

#98
I see... It's like my mouth is no longer a part of my head.

#99
I kind of feel nothing, but it feels so good.

#100
That's what you're going for. That's where you wanna be at.

#101
Keep reapplying every 10 to 15 minutes.

#102
That's what I've been doing. It wears down.

#103
What? Charlie. Ten to 15 minutes? No. We're gonna run out.

#104
- No more gumming for a while. - No more gumming.

#105
- We're good though. (huffing) - I'm ready. I'm good.

#106
I feel pretty good. I feel weird, but pretty good.

#107
Let's start the show. Let's be like Wall Street and...

#108
Rickety Cricket. That's Rickety Cricket!

#109
- Rickety! Rickety! - Rickety Cricket!

#110
- Rickety Cricket! - Rickety!

#111
- Where have you been hiding? - Where have you been?

#112
They let you become a priest again, huh?

#113
- Congratulations. - It's the reverend.

#114
- Hey, man. - How you doin', man?

#115
- Keep your head up, Reverend. - Keep the faith.

#116
Bless you.

#117
- Oh. Yikes. - I get it. It's like...

#118
Yes. Ever since you convinced me to abandon the church,

#119
my life has been in a bit of a tailspin.

#120
- Who? Me or Charlie? - You, Dee. You.

#121
- That doesn't ring a bell. - There was something that happened.

#122
- I wasn't sure that it was that. - I don't think it was that.

#123
So you're livin' on the streets now, Cricket.

#124
- Yes, I'm living... - That's great. That's really great.

#125
Actually, it's the opposite of great, Charlie.

#126
It's one of the darkest times of my life.

#127
- Is it? - That makes sense.

#128
- Yes. - But the good thing is

#129
that you must know a lot of drug addicts.

#130
Yes. I was actually attacked by a couple last night.

#131
- Almost got stabbed. - Really?

#132
- That's great. - Did you really? Wonderful.

#133
- You can help us sell our cocaine. - Do you know those guys?

#134
- Do you bump into them? - Can you sell drugs to them?

#135
- You hang out on certain corners? - Whoa, whoa, whoa.

#136
You want me to sell drugs for you?

#137
We would do it, but we're not street urchins.

#138
Know what I mean? But you.

#139
They would buy drugs from a street urchin like yourself.

#140
You got the "street urchin" thing goin' on.

#141
Please stop calling me a street urchin. I'm not a street urchin.

#142
- You are what you are now. - You know what I'm sayin'.

#143
I was a priest. I have a master's in theology.

#144
- That was then. This is now. - What good's it doing you?

#145
I am trying to get my life back on track.

#146
I don't think selling drugs is a smart move.

#147
- Uh-oh. I'm sorry. - Come on, Cricket.

#148
I guess Charlie and I didn't see you sitting

#149
atop your homeless ivory tower. - Oh, oh, oh, oh.

#150
What is your problem? You just push my buttons, don't you?

#151
You just enjoy pushing my buttons.

#152
- What have you done? - I've done nothing to her.

#153
Can I stop this little lovers' quarrel?

#154
You're not fooling anybody, Cricket.

#155
Clearly, the two of you have strong feelings for each other,

#156
and you're letting that get in the way of a good business deal.

#157
Look, Cricket, for the love of God, help us out here, man.

#158
- I am not... - I tell you what.

#159
- I'll let you stay at Dee's place. - No.

#160
Till you're back up on your feet.

#161
- Dee's place? - Yeah. You two alone, together.

#162
One thing could lead to another. You never know.

#163
You think she still likes me?

#164
Yeah.

#165
I wasn't sure. I know we have sort of a sexual tension.

#166
No, no, no. You guys got your own thing going on.

#167
I gotta take a cut now, Cricket. We're working together.

#168
Jesus Christ, Frank. I can't believe you had that thing made.

#169
Every pimp has a chalice. This one is the shit.

#170
Great. How much money did you drop on that?

#171
A lot.

#172
You spend a shitload of money on a chalice you'll eat cereal out of,

#173
but you won't bail us out by paying the mob?

#174
By the way, your Jane is sitting over there.

#175
Aw, you gotta be kid... Dude, she's, like, a hundred years old.

#176
- Sixty-eight tops. - That's still extremely old.

#177
- Well, I'm not kissing that. - You don't have to kiss her.

#178
We can make that one of your rules.

#179
This time, nothing with the ass.

#180
That got really weird last time, all right?

#181
What are you talkin' about?

#182
You didn't set up that ass play on the last one?

#183
No. I never set up any ass play.

#184
All right. Well.

#185
I wanna set up a doctor's appointment anyway

#186
just to be... just to be safe.

#187
- All right. Do that. - All right. Here we go.

#188
CHARLIE: Hypothetically speaking,

#189
do you think you could teach a horse to sit on a barstool and drink beer?

#190
I don't know. Maybe.

#191
Would you hypothetically pay really good money to see that?

#192
Is this about bringing a horse back to the bar?

#193
- That is completely insane. - I'm askin' hypothetical questions.

#194
I'm sorry. I'm a little preoccupied

#195
with worrying about being killed by the mob...

#196
because a homeless priest ran off with all of our drugs. (knocking)

#197
- Who is it? - It's Matt.

#198
- Who? - Matthew Mara.

#199
- It's Rickety Cricket. - It's Rickety Cricket.

#200
It's Rickety Cricket. Hey! Come on in, man.

#201
- Come in. Yeah! - Oh!

#202
- Where should I put this? - Why does he have that?

#203
- Why does he have his stuff? - Charlie said I...

#204
- It's not important. - Look at this place.

#205
It's exactly as I imagined it would be.

#206
What is? Cricks? How'd you do with our drugs, man?

#207
Oh. Uh, I sold 'em. Here.

#208
Hey, is there a dream catcher above your bed?

#209
- Shit, shit, shit! - Holy shit!

#210
- Look at all that money. - That is a huge wad of money.

#211
This is more than we make at the bar.

#212
I've never seen this much money in one spot.

#213
- Oh, my God. - I guess we can pay the mob back.

#214
- We can definitely pay them back. - That's good.

#215
- But we have another day. - We have a whole day.

#216
- We have 24 whole hours to go. - Mm-hmm.

#217
- He flipped this in what? - No time really.

#218
He flipped it so fast, Charlie.

#219
- Let's think for a second. - We could flip another batch.

#220
We could pay the mob back.

#221
We could have money left over for ourselves.

#222
- Maybe a little coke. - Yeah, more coke.

#223
- I can get a horse. - You're not gonna get a horse.

#224
- We can have some coke then. - She likes Swiss!

#225
I knew it! I pictured Swiss.

#226
Hey, uh, Cricket. Cricket, buddy.

#227
Can I talk to you for a second?

#228
Look, uh, you did such a fantastic job...

#229
that we're gonna need you to go back out there and do it again.

#230
But you guys said it was a onetime thing.

#231
DEE: We say things all day. - We say words all the time.

#232
- We said so many things. - I was thinking

#233
maybe I'd curl up on that bed of Dee's and I'd sleep with the bear.

#234
Now's not a good time for that, man.

#235
- I'm so tired. - Are you tired?

#236
- I'm just so tired. - Check it out.

#237
- I got the thing for you here. - What? Where'd you get that?

#238
Every good dealer keeps a head stash.

#239
- No. - Dip your finger in there.

#240
- Look, Cricket. - I got the thing for you here.

#241
- I can't. - Let's speed you up.

#242
And then you'll wanna get back out there.

#243
Oh. Aah. Yeah.

#244
- Oh. (murmuring) - Shh.

#245
(chortling) (wheezing laugh)

#246
(moaning)

#247
Where am I having dinner tonight, Frank?

#248
I'm kind of in the mood for Asian fusion.

#249
No more dinners. We're going straight to bangin' from now on.

#250
Check this out.

#251
- Jesus Christ, man. - What, you got a problem?

#252
- This makes me seem like a whore. - You are a whore.

#253
I'm not a whore. I'm a handsome companion

#254
who goes to nice dinners with fancy women...

#255
and who has rules about what he'll do.

#256
- What happened to the rules, Frank? - You can still have your rules.

#257
It says right here, "No Rules".

#258
Don't be so uptight.

#259
I'm walkin' from this... (groans) What the hell, dude?

#260
I'm knocking some sense into you, Dennis. This is all you got.

#261
(groans) Dude, why do you keep hitting me?

#262
- Don't talk back to me! - Okay. Sorry.

#263
Look, I'm gonna get you out of this. It's you and me against the world.

#264
I'm not gonna let anything bad happen to you.

#265
- You promise? - I promise.

#266
And, hey, I don't wanna hit you, baby.

#267
So please don't make me, okay? You're my one and only.

#268
- You gotta do right by me, okay? - Okay.

#269
DEE: Come on, Cricket. Where is he, Charlie?

#270
- Why do we trust him? - He came through for us once.

#271
He'll do it again. This is empty.

#272
Get rid of that. You know what,

#273
this is his whole plan. - It's not a plan.

#274
Yeah. He convinced us that he was on our side.

#275
- Now he'll stab us in the back. - I don't think so.

#276
- What's with the pants? - These things?

#277
- These are horse-riding pants. - You can't get a horse.

#278
- Why not? - Because it's crazy.

#279
Is it any crazier than having a dog that bites or sheds?

#280
Or a cat that poops in a box while it's biting you?

#281
- While it's biting you? - Oh! You guys!

#282
Cricket! There you are!

#283
- What are you doing? - I'm workin' on my moves.

#284
- What moves? - For my musical.

#285
I'm writing a musical. It's about life on the streets.

#286
Archangel has to live on the streets and fight crime.

#287
That's great. Where are our drugs?

#288
- I sold the drugs. - Good. Give us the money.

#289
Spent the money on these sweet-ass kettledrums. Look at these.

#290
Those are trash cans. Trash cans, Cricket!

#291
These are trash cans? Then why do they sound like this?

#292
(tinny clatter)

#293
You "sold" our drug money on two garbage cans?

#294
No. No, no, no, no. I did some too.

#295
- We can see that! - Is there any left?

#296
- Can we have what's left? - There is some left.

#297
You guys are yelling like crazy. I can't compute.

#298
Don't do all of it. I still gotta write the seventh act.

#299
- It's kinda all up here. - Come on back to the bar.

#300
- I'm not going without these. - Bring your trash cans.

#301
- Yeah, don't forget the trash cans. - I'm bringing the trash cans.

#302
Watch the crack addicts though. They will cut you.

#303
You understand? It's 200 dollars for the first hour...

#304
and a hundred and fifty every hour after that.

#305
Unless you want him to act like he's enjoying it.

#306
Then it's a little extra. Eh?

#307
(music - techno pop) All right.

#308
- #I-I-I need... I need you# - Make it sexy.

#309
#I-I-I need... I need you#

#310
You like ass play? He'll do anything with the ass.

#311
#I never said I wasn't gonna tell...#

#312
- Don Sal? - Yeah. What?

#313
Forgive me for speaking out of line here, but...

#314
I don't think I'm being properly utilized within the organization.

#315
I've tried to be eager and work with a smile,

#316
but I'm not making any forward progress.

#317
- Aren't you the janitor? - It's not important, Don Sal.

#318
What is important is that I get out on those streets...

#319
and start doing some gangster shit.

#320
There's gotta be a union boss I can put the squeeze on.

#321
Or a truck I can hijack, right?

#322
How would you like to do me a personal favor?

#323
- Sounds shady. I'm in. - Good.

#324
I need you to go over to my house and take care of my wife.

#325
- You mean, like, rub her out? - No.

#326
- You want me to bang her? - No!

#327
- I'm sorry. - What the hell is wrong with you?

#328
- Why would you say that? - Communication problem.

#329
What I need you to do is just go over there.

#330
- Like a protection thing. - Yeah. It's somethin' like that.

#331
- Okay. - I mean,

#332
you don't mind gettin' your hands dirty, do you?

#333
- Absolutely not. - Good.

#334
Goddamn mafia!

#335
(music - techno pop)

#336
Like that? Huh? Get what you want?

#337
Just keep dancing, whore.

#338
(muffled) #Two hearts that beat as one#

#339
Dennis?

#340
We gotta talk. Now.

#341
- What the hell you doin' here? - I'm working. What are you doing?

#342
You cannot seriously be thinking about banging this old lady.

#343
No, Mac, you have to separate yourself from the way they look.

#344
Frank says that the only thing that matters in this game is cash.

#345
- What did Frank do to you? - Frank takes care of me.

#346
You don't understand the nature of our relationship.

#347
- What? - Hey! Hey!

#348
You! Out! This is our turf. Get out.

#349
Frank, he cannot bang this woman. It's the mob boss's wife.

#350
What do you think she's gonna do, call her husband

#351
and say she's banging a whore? Dennis, up those stairs.

#352
Dennis, don't do it. He's got you brainwashed.

#353
- Go! - Dennis! Stay!

#354
- Go! Get up there! Now! - Stay! Stay! Stay!

#355
- You're gonna get us killed! - Stop! Stop! Stop!

#356
Please stop hitting me so I can think for a second.

#357
You see? This is bad. You got him thinking for himself again.

#358
What the hell are you doing, whore? Get back upstairs.

#359
No.

#360
Get your ass back in the bedroom.

#361
I'm outta here.

#362
What about you, Pussy Hands?

#363
Me? Oh, no. I would never sleep with you. You're gross.

#364
- Last taste. Last taste. Last one. - One more. That's it. That's it,

#365
because we're almost out of it. - We can't do this.

#366
All right. Okay. Here's the plan.

#367
I'm gonna cut it with flour, all right?

#368
- The mob won't know the difference. - You sure that's gonna work?

#369
People do it all the time. I think this will trick 'em.

#370
- That's too much, huh? - That's too much flour.

#371
- Let me think. - They're gonna kill us!

#372
- We're dead! - Here's what we're gonna do.

#373
- We're dead 'cause of the flour. - We're outta here.

#374
- Where we going? - We're gonna skip town.

#375
We're gonna go up to the mountains. We can't tell anybody.

#376
- We just gotta go. - We gotta get outta here.

#377
- They'll never find us. - We'll have a fresh start.

#378
I like that. It's just gonna be you and me and Peter Nincompoop.

#379
Who's Peter Nincompoop?

#380
- Huh? Huh? - Oh, my God.

#381
How did that get here? How did that get here?

#382
I rode it here. What do you think?

#383
- Hop on. We're outta here. - I'm not hopping on there.

#384
We can't get outta here on that. We need a car. It's too obvious.

#385
- It is? - People will see us and it.

#386
- We gotta get out in a car. - All right.

#387
You got a better chance without us, don't you, buddy?

#388
Okay. You know what. Get outta here. Hah!

#389
Go, Peter Nincompoop! I miss you already!

#390
I love you, Peter Nincompoop.

#391
Mmm. Let's go.

#392
- Okay, okay. - What are you doin'?

#393
- I'm gonna try and stay sharp here. - That's mostly flour.

#394
But if we do enough of it, it should still work, right?

#395
- Then, let's do a lot of it. - Let's go!

#396
That's a pop. That's a pop. That's a pop.

#397
Make it sexy. It has to be sexy.

#398
Otherwise, you don't eat. Okay?

#399
- Frank, put the gun away. - Oh, no.

#400
I'm goin' out, I'm goin' guns blazing.

#401
#Rise up Gonna get higher and higher#

#402
- Whoo! - Rickety Cricket.

#403
- Hey! - Lookin' good, bro.

#404
Thanks, man. I'm almost done.

#405
Welcome back to the bar. Good afternoon. (imitating fanfare)

#406
How you guys doin'?

#407
- We're very good. - Things are fine.

#408
- You look like you're doin' well. - Absolutely.

#409
Check it out. We got all the cocaine.

#410
Didn't get the cash. Got the cocaine.

#411
We might have bigger problems. We just pissed off the mob boss's wife,

#412
me and Dennis wouldn't bang her. We need to be prepared for anything.

#413
Okay. Then I tell you what. I will get my gun.

#414
- Whoa. When'd you get a gun? - I went back to Bingo.

#415
Wow. I thought we said no guns though.

#416
- That was before all the blow. - You should've told me,

#417
I've been carrying this around the entire time.

#418
Guys, guys, guys! No guns! No guns!

#419
- I'm gonna put this in my sock. - Yeah.

#420
And if the shit goes down, I'll pretend I'm tying my shoe.

#421
And I'll reach for some cigarettes.

#422
And when I ask for a light, we come out blastin'!

#423
- Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! - No! No!

#424
We are not gonna come out blasting!

#425
Jesus Christ! What is wrong with you people?

#426
Look, we can still get through this if we just calm down.

#427
(door opens) ANTHONY: Oh! These guys.

#428
- Hey. Ho. CHARLIE: Hiya.

#429
All right. It's Friday.

#430
- Youse guys got somethin' for me? - Has anybody got a light?

#431
(all shouting)

#432
(shouting continues) Right here.

#433
DENNIS: Put the guns down! I got the 25 G's.

#434
I got the money, so it's all good.

#435
Eh? There you go.

#436
- Get outta here. - Go on.

#437
- Count it. - Got it, boss.

#438
Where'd you get the money? I sold Frank's pimp chalice.

#439
What? That's right, you son of a bitch.

#440
Thanks for bailing us out. Just like always. Goddamn it.

#441
It's all here, boss.

#442
- Okay. Well, that was close. - Yeah, it seemed close.

#443
- It got stressful. - A little tense.

#444
"Tense" is an excellent word for what happened.

#445
It was nice doin' business with you guys.

#446
Hopefully, I'll never have to see you again.

#447
- All righty. - Sounds good.

#448
Sounds very good.

#449
You guys, you gotta make it sexy... hips and nips.

#450
(cell phone rings) Otherwise, I'm not eatin'.

#451
Yeah. (banging on trash can)

#452
- What? - Who?

#453
- You. - Come here.

#454
- Yeah? - Can you do me a favor?

#455
- Sure. - Explain to me

#456
why my wife is calling me telling me that one of Pussy Hands's friends

#457
tried to force himself on her.

#458
ALL: Oh! Oh! ANTHONY: This guy?

#459
Oh! Oh! That's crazy!

#460
- Enough with the "Oh's"! - I think that's insane.

#461
I have no idea what you're talking about.

#462
Then I assume it was you, pinhead.

#463
No! It wasn't me! It wasn't me!

#464
- Then who was it? (giggles) - You guys! I did it!

#465
And I made it so sexy!

#466
Look at this. I've achieved total sexiness!

#467
- I am the man! I made it so sexy. - Get him.

#468
- You got it. Come here. - Fancy pants.

#469
- I wanna talk to you. - It's so... It's so sexy.

#470
That's the thing. It's all hips and nips.

#471
#Rise up Gonna get higher and higher#

#472
Do you guys have more blow?

#473
- Yes! - Get him outta here.

#474
- Well. Couple beers? - Yeah. Shots.

#475
All right.

#476
Oh. What a day.

#477
#They broke my legs But they didn't break my spirit

#478
#But I don't feel no pain 'Cause I found more cocaine

#479
#Cocaine#

#480
(whinnying)

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