Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S03E14 — Bums - Making a Mess All Over the City

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 3, Episode 14 — Bums - Making a Mess All Over the City

#1
(gurgling)

#2
(continues)

#3
(continues)

#4
My God.

#5
There's a masturbating bum in the alley.

#6
- He's masturbating. - Yeah. I know about that guy.

#7
Masturbating bums are bad for business.

#8
I saw that guy's wiener.

#9
He's gonna rip it off one of these days. It's disgusting.

#10
This whole goddamn neighborhood is going to shit.

#11
There is a deteriorating situation and we gotta do something about it.

#12
We should get a junkyard dog. A really mean, nasty junkyard dog.

#13
We'll chain him up in the alley. We'll scare away the bums.

#14
- That's it. - It's not just about our alley.

#15
It's about this whole neighborhood.

#16
I think we should make this whole neighborhood safe again.

#17
- Yeah. - Leaning towards the dog idea.

#18
- You like the dog idea? - I'd go for a dog.

#19
Now, first order of business is thanking Jean for working so hard

#20
on our monthly crime watch newsletter.

#21
- Do you have a question? - Yeah. New to the crew.

#22
Quick question about the uniform situation.

#23
Now, I like to cut my sleeves off. It's kind of my look.

#24
So I'm wondering if the tailor is provided for us,

#25
or I'm left to my own devices.

#26
We don't have uniforms. Now, but... Yes?

#27
- Will you be providing the weapons? - No.

#28
No. I get it. Okay. We go buy the weapons.

#29
We tell you how much we spent, and you reimburse us. Great.

#30
- It doesn't work like that. - You gotta give him a receipt.

#31
- I'd make a copy of the receipt. - You give them the original.

#32
I would give them the original and I would keep the copy?

#33
- That seems stupid. - That's how reimbursement works.

#34
If something happens to the weapons, I'm shit out of luck?

#35
You ask them for the original back. I'm sure they got a system.

#36
Why would they keep the original? I'm the one that bought the gun.

#37
- It's a gun now. - It's always been a gun, Dee.

#38
Excuse me. Hi. We don't carry weapons.

#39
We're just a neighborhood watch.

#40
Wait. So you people don't apprehend criminals?

#41
If we see anything suspicious, we call the police.

#42
The police? The police.

#43
The streets are flooded with the ejaculate of the homeless,

#44
and you people are counting on the police?

#45
Clearly we are gonna have to handle this ourselves, Dee.

#46
You, sir, have wasted my time, and the time of my associate.

#47
Dee, get my coat.

#48
FRANNK: You hear barking? - I don't hear no dogs.

#49
They'll run out and bite you in the nuts.

#50
- They're probably sleeping. - Probably chained up.

#51
- I don't hear a dog. - We'll ask this guy.

#52
Excuse me, sir. Where am I finding your junkyard dogs?

#53
- My what? - We wanna buy a junkyard dog.

#54
- We want the most vicious one. - Yeah, a really nasty dog.

#55
- Really nasty dog. - We don't have no dogs.

#56
What... I'm sorry. Is this not a junkyard?

#57
- You don't have a dog? - We got a cat round here somewhere.

#58
- Cat? We don't want a cat. - Wait a minute.

#59
Wait a minute. Believe me, that's a tough cat.

#60
It was born in a pool of gasoline, on a piece of rusty scrap metal.

#61
I've seen that cat jump through barbed wire into a vat of hot tar.

#62
- That cat is indestructible. - We don't want no cat.

#63
- Great. It's a cat. We want a dog. - Wait a second.

#64
I wouldn't mind taking a look at that cat.

#65
Come on, dude. What are we gonna do with a cat?

#66
- Go ahead. Knock yourself out. - Is that a cop car?

#67
If we park that in front of Paddy's, no more bums.

#68
No problems, period.

#69
- Is that old cop car for sale? - Everything's for sale.

#70
- We'll take it. - And throw in that cat.

#71
CHARLIE: This thing's cool, right? - Yeah, it's very cool.

#72
- The seating's a little tight. - The seating is very tight.

#73
- It's cramped. - I know it's cramped.

#74
Maybe if a certain someone didn't buy a certain something,

#75
there'd be a little bit more room up here.

#76
This guy's not the problem. You're the problem.

#77
- I'm the problem, dude? - You're the problem.

#78
- Why don't you jump in the back? - I called shotgun.

#79
- I wanna fiddle with the gadgets. - Fool with them.

#80
- Why are we stopped? - Yeah, why are we stopped?

#81
- It's a red light. BOTH: We're in a cop car.

#82
Make her sing. (siren blaring)

#83
(tires screeching) (horn honks)

#84
(laughing, whooping)

#85
- Boom. - We look so stupid.

#86
We look awesome. Throw that on.

#87
- I'm not putting on a beret. - Gotta wear the beret.

#88
It's terrible, and I don't get the point.

#89
It sends a message, Dee.

#90
The Guardian Angels wore the same, exact outfit...

#91
when they cleaned up the streets of New York City in the 1970s.

#92
We look like Rerun.

#93
You know what I hear when you talk like that?

#94
A scared little girl who's never had anyone fear her.

#95
Fear is power. Don't you get that? It's like a drug.

#96
Once you get a taste of it, you can never get enough.

#97
If I promise to wear this stupid thing, will you stop talking?

#98
Absolutely. All right. Let's roll.

#99
- What's that? - That's my mini bat.

#100
- You're gonna hit that bum? - No, I'm not gonna hit anybody.

#101
That's the best part about fear and intimidation.

#102
All you gotta do is look the part.

#103
Now what do you think about these suspenders?

#104
- You ready? - I guess so.

#105
Let's clean up the streets. This is how it's gonna work.

#106
You're gonna walk up to him. You'll kindly ask him to leave.

#107
He's gonna see me with the bat, looking tough. He's gone.

#108
That's it?

#109
That's all you need to do when you look like a badass, Dee.

#110
- That's not gonna work. - Yes, it will.

#111
Mac, I can hear it. Come on. He's smiling at me.

#112
All right, give me the bat. You know what, asshole?

#113
(grunting)

#114
You like that, bitch? (groans)

#115
I am not your little pinup girl

#116
for you to tug your rotten pecker at!

#117
(groaning) Get out of here.

#118
You're one crazy bitch.

#119
I don't wanna see you or your dirty balls in my alley again!

#120
(panting)

#121
- Yeah, you took my bat. - I kicked that guy's ass.

#122
I would have helped you. I need my bat back.

#123
- That was awesome. - Next time just don't take my bat.

#124
Freeze, punk. Cool?

#125
Gonna ride around in a cop car, can't do it in street clothes.

#126
- People will think you stole it. - That's awesome. Where's mine?

#127
Charlie, these things cost me a pretty penny.

#128
Yeah, Frank really sprung for all the bells and whistles.

#129
You shitting me? You didn't get me one?

#130
You guys know how I love dressing up in costumes. Bullshit.

#131
You can't have three guys dressed in cop suits

#132
n the front seat of a cop car. It don't look right.

#133
- Plus we need room for Agent Bauer. - Well, who's Agent Bauer?

#134
You're gonna let the stupid junkyard cat ride up front?

#135
It smells like it's been dumped in a bucket of piss.

#136
Do not refer to him as a junkyard cat.

#137
He has a name. Agent Jack Bauer.

#138
I don't wanna ride around in the back seat.

#139
You can be disguised as an undercover cop in the back seat.

#140
Yeah. Then you can wear all the disguises you want.

#141
Damn it! That is such a good idea.

#142
No one's gonna know, dude. I'm gonna be like, "You're busted".

#143
"Hello. How you doing? You're busted."

#144
Let's get you back to CTU, Agent Bauer.

#145
(meows)

#146
Over here, pal.

#147
- Hey. Boys in blue. - What's shaking, pal?

#148
You fellas hungry? Couple my best dogs, on the house.

#149
That sounds like the move.

#150
Yeah, you boys cruise in one of the old models?

#151
Yeah. This is a piece of junk. They're cutting back.

#152
The brass is breaking our balls.

#153
What'd this guy do?

#154
We caught him diddling kids over at a playground.

#155
- Yeah, he's a perv. - We're gonna bust him up good.

#156
You just go and get us a couple of those tasty dogs.

#157
- Okay. Let me see what I can do. - Okay.

#158
Holy shit, that actually worked.

#159
These uniforms are gonna pay for themselves 10 times over.

#160
- You're brilliant, man. - You know what else I realized?

#161
They didn't even realize I was an undercover cop.

#162
I'm gonna become Al Pacino in Serpico.

#163
- I'm gonna be Al Pacino... - Get in there. You'll ruin it.

#164
Here you go, boys. You keep up the good work.

#165
All right. Thanks, pal.

#166
(laughing) I got a great Serpico costume.

#167
- Diddle.... - Yeah, it's...

#168
- It's really something else. - I don't care. Get in the car.

#169
- Don't push my head like that. - Let's go, Frank.

#170
Dennis, do you have to take that cat everywhere we go?

#171
Yeah. He's awesome. He's hilarious.

#172
It's a mangy cat.

#173
(imitating Al Pacino) I don't like the cat.

#174
- Serpico doesn't like the cat. - I don't give a shit,

#175
'cause you're not Serpico. I'm going on record.

#176
We gotta get rid of that cat. It stinks.

#177
We're not getting rid of the cat. There's nothing you guys can do.

#178
- The cat outranks you. - I'm not outranked by a cat.

#179
Yeah, you are. Cat's a special agent.

#180
Are you a special agent? Here's a special agent over there.

#181
Look at this guy here. He's jaywalking.

#182
- Take it easy, Charlie. - No. Back me up here.

#183
- I'm going in. Hey, guy! FRANK: Where you going?

#184
Hello, guy! You wanna stop for a second?

#185
You like just crossing the street whenever you want,

#186
making up your own laws? - I'm sorry...

#187
You ought to be sorry. You just jaywalked, buddy.

#188
You gonna give me a ticket?

#189
That depends on how much money you got in your wallet.

#190
I don't know. Like, 15 bucks, I guess.

#191
- Fork it over. - And the watch.

#192
- You're serious? - Do I look like I'm smiling?

#193
- Are we smiling? - I can't believe this is happening.

#194
Believe it, buddy. Give me your watch. Come on.

#195
- Get out of here. Useless. - Yeah, get the hell out of here.

#196
Put an egg in your shoe and beat it.

#197
What the hell was that shit right there?

#198
- We got 15 bucks. - Here, take your cut.

#199
I don't want a cut.

#200
You don't take your cut, how do we know how to trust you?

#201
That's dirty money. Look, guys, we're cops.

#202
We're not out here to bribe people.

#203
Will you stop doing that stupid voice? What are you doing?

#204
- I told you I was gonna do Pacino. - You sound like an asshole.

#205
You guys are taking bribes now. That's bullshit. I'm walking.

#206
You're gonna do Christopher Walken now?

#207
I'm not doing Christopher Walken. I'm walking from the situation.

#208
- Get the hell out of here. - Go on.

#209
You guys are crooked cops, and I don't like it.

#210
- The kid's nuts. - He's an idiot. Give me my cut.

#211
Here's five bucks. I'll take the 10.

#212
- I'm keeping the watch. - Keep the watch.

#213
- I'm going to. - Watch out for the cars.

#214
Hey! Hold it. (brakes squealing)

#215
- Hey, toots. Knock, knock. - Can I help you?

#216
The real question is, can we help you?

#217
My partner and I have been cleaning up the streets the past couple days.

#218
- Is that right? - Yeah, that's right.

#219
We know how the system works. You can't get your hands dirty.

#220
We're not afraid of that.

#221
Getting physical is not a problem for us.

#222
We are all on the same team.

#223
If you could fast-track us through a citizen-deputy type program...

#224
And toss us a couple of badges, make it all legal.

#225
- We can work together on this. - Well, let's see.

#226
I'm fresh out of badges. (chuckles)

#227
- I get it. - I see what you did.

#228
I sense your sarcasm. I'm used to it.

#229
Doesn't help, and I don't appreciate it.

#230
It just hurts my feelings,

#231
because we are sticking our necks out for you guys,

#232
and, frankly, doing your job better than you are.

#233
Really? I tell you what.

#234
I do know of a neighborhood that could use your help.

#235
- Perfect. Where? - Davis? Leroy?

#236
These two Guardian Angels would love to help you clean up your beat.

#237
(both snickering)

#238
Okay, gentlemen, thank you for the ride.

#239
Quick question. What time are you picking us up?

#240
No... Shit. Okay. (hip-hop on boom box)

#241
- Well, we're screwed. - No, Dee. Relax, okay?

#242
So we are in a lower socioeconomic, African-American neighborhood.

#243
We're Guardian Angels. We're tough, right?

#244
- Okay! Stop doing that. - Guardian Angels, right?

#245
We're Guardian Angels, blind to this kind of thing.

#246
- Yes, okay. - We can do this.

#247
We are gonna make these streets safe.

#248
We'll make these streets safe. (gunshot)

#249
- That was a gunshot. - Let's get out of here.

#250
- Where is the bus stop? - Let's find a guy and ask him.

#251
- He seems safe. Let's ask him. - He seems nice.

#252
Excuse me, sir. Thank God we found you.

#253
We are in a very rough neighborhood and we are lost.

#254
Could you please direct us to the nearest bus stop?

#255
(gun cocks)

#256
- How you doing? - Hi. How are you?

#257
- I'm good. You moving in soon? - Pardon me?

#258
You've been loitering on this corner for the last 20 minutes

#259
like you own the goddamn place. - I don't think I follow you.

#260
Don't get cute with me, pal. I will jam you up so hard.

#261
I'll jam you from morning till night. You wanna get jammed up?

#262
- You like getting jammed up? - No.

#263
No. I didn't think so. Good. Give me that wallet.

#264
Yeah.

#265
- Let's go. Come on. - All right.

#266
What do we got here? Time to hit the ATM.

#267
So I'll have five hot dogs.

#268
I want you to mash one of them up in a bowl.

#269
Put some milk or some water. Mash it up nice and good,

#270
but four regulars, five hot dogs altogether.

#271
I'm sorry, Lieutenant, but no more free hot dogs.

#272
Maybe if it was just you I could swing it,

#273
but it's you, your partner, and now I'm feeding your cat?

#274
I just can't afford it. - Wait a minute. Hold on.

#275
- Hold on. - Where are our hot dogs?

#276
He won't cough up the hot dogs.

#277
This goddamn cat is screwing up everything.

#278
- We gotta get rid of the cat. - Tough titties, pal.

#279
- I'm not getting rid of the cat. - Tough titties?

#280
Dennis, this thing with the cat has gone too far.

#281
I'm putting my foot down. It's gonna be either the cat or me.

#282
- Okay, I choose the cat. - Then I'm taking the badge.

#283
What are you doing? Are you crazy? Get out of here.

#284
I bought that badge, I bought this uniform

#285
and I bought that cop car. - I don't give a shit.

#286
I'm gonna tell you something, buddy.

#287
Your days as a cop of this town are over.

#288
You and that mangy cat. (chuckling)

#289
(imitating Al Pacino) This is a stinking hellhole of a town.

#290
And I'm gonna clean it up.

#291
(exhales) Let's do this thing.

#292
Now I feel very powerless. I don't like it.

#293
I would like to beat somebody up so I could feel better.

#294
You try to do something good, and you get nothing in return.

#295
- What is the point? - Respect. Reward.

#296
Compensation for a job well done.

#297
- What's with the cat? - Don't start in on the cat.

#298
I swear to God, I will jam you into the middle of next week.

#299
We will jam and jam and jam

#300
until there is nothing left of the two of you to jam.

#301
- Do you understand? - Not really.

#302
- Calm down, dude. - All right, here's the situation.

#303
Frank and I got a cop car. We were cruising around in it.

#304
We were acting like cops.

#305
Everything was going great, but then it got to Frank's head,

#306
and he squeezed me out.

#307
You two have not begun to feel the power and respect that you get

#308
when you are cruising around in a cop car.

#309
We've been cleaning up the streets, and all we've gotten is mugged.

#310
- You deserve better than that. - We deserve better than that.

#311
So here's what we gotta do. We gotta get rid of Frank.

#312
We gotta get our hands on that cop car.

#313
- Okay. I'm in. What's the plan? - All right.

#314
Frank's got beef with a certain hot dog vendor,

#315
and I was thinking if something bad were to happen to his cart...

#316
Well, we could put the frame on Frank.

#317
Really get him into some trouble. Right, Jack?

#318
- Bingo. - What'd you say, Charlie?

#319
- You just said something. - No, I was...

#320
I think you said "bingo".

#321
Stop playing with the tape recorder. Go clean those bathrooms.

#322
(chuckles) - That's not a... - Charlie, clean the bathroom.

#323
What is this?

#324
That right there is a tale of corruption and intrigue,

#325
the likes of which are gonna rock this city.

#326
- Spin Doctors mix? - I taped over the Spin Doctors mix.

#327
Sir, I do not have time to listen to your mix tape.

#328
No, it's not a...

#329
(whispering) Look, I'm ready to blow my whistle here.

#330
You know what I'm saying? I got a list of corruption charges.

#331
Extortion, bribery, junkyard cats. This is nasty, heavy stuff.

#332
Now, you gonna listen to this tape or not?

#333
- No, I am not. - I get it.

#334
You're one of them. A crooked cop.

#335
Yeah, I get it! Everybody's a crooked cop.

#336
Am I the only cop left in Philadelphia who ain't crooked?

#337
I see what's happening. You wanna come at Serpico?

#338
Who wants a piece of Serpico? 'Cause I'll give it to you.

#339
I'll give a piece, 'cause you're forgetting about this.

#340
And you're forgetting about... whatever the hell that is.

#341
But you're forgetting about it.

#342
And I'm gonna take this right to the mayor,

#343
and you're gonna remember.

#344
We really gotta do something about these homeless people.

#345
That kitty is really loving this Molotov cocktail.

#346
There, Jack. That's not a toy.

#347
He's slurping down that gasoline. What's the deal with that?

#348
Yeah, he's got a thing for gasoline. He was born in a pool of it.

#349
Hello.

#350
Just stopped in for a cold beer to enjoy with my free hot dog.

#351
You parked in a red zone.

#352
I'm gonna let it fly this time, but be careful.

#353
Thanks, Frank. I appreciate that. I'll take care of it.

#354
Special Agent Bauer and I intend to take care of a few things today.

#355
(door opens) Hey there. What's going on?

#356
Up to no good? A little crime and corruption?

#357
I hope you guys don't mind if I borrow this.

#358
Charlie, what are you doing?

#359
- Charlie, where you going? - You know where I'm going, Frank.

#360
- Charlie, drop your weapon. - Don't do that.

#361
MAC: What are you doing? - I'm putting an end to this!

#362
(groans) - No. Charlie... - We were supposed to be cops.

#363
We were supposed to care about justice and it got to your head.

#364
- I'll get a hose. - That's not gonna do any good.

#365
I doused the whole car full of gasoline.

#366
(together) What?

#367
Goddamn it, Jack Bauer. You really are the man.

#368
Okay, Mr. Mayor. Feast your ears on that Spin Doctors mix.

#369
(laughing)

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