Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S03E15 — The Gang Dances Their Asses Off

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 3, Episode 15 — The Gang Dances Their Asses Off

#1
MAC: I'm not gonna read this bullshit. Just get me a Coors.

#2
"What do I think my greatest strength as a server is?"

#3
- What the hell is this, Frank? - Employee evaluation.

#4
This bar is a business and we're gonna start acting like one.

#5
I do not want to start acting like a business

#6
because that sounds boring as shit. - Yeah, that sounds terrible.

#7
Plus this thing's 10 pages long. I'm not gonna fill it out.

#8
- That's gonna affect your rank. - What rank?

#9
I put us all on a ranking system so you would care about your jobs.

#10
- Are we ranked now? - Yes, we are.

#11
- What's my rank? - Second, after me.

#12
- Wait! What's my rank? - You're third.

#13
- What? Why am I third? - Too volatile.

#14
- Bullshit! That is bullshit! - Okay.

#15
- What am I? - You're fifth.

#16
Fifth? That's last. Why in the hell would I be last?

#17
- Too much lip and very sassy. - Sassy? That doesn't make sense.

#18
Like right now. You just don't know when to shut up.

#19
- Hello! - You are late.

#20
I just signed the bar up to host a dance competition

#21
that's gonna be hosted live by the Q Crew on 102 Radio!

#22
- The Q Crew! Good work! - Yeah.

#23
That would be a good idea, except it's not a dance contest.

#24
- It's a dance marathon. - What's the point?

#25
It's an endurance competition.

#26
We're gonna be enduring free promotion on the radio.

#27
"Location: Paddy's Bar. Time: Saturday.

#28
Date: With Charlie Kelly. Prize: Paddy's Pub."

#29
- You put the bar up as a prize? - No.

#30
I put the bar under the "Pride" section, things you're proud of.

#31
It's a "Z", Charlie! Prize!

#32
- Didn't you read that thing? - I gave it a once-over!

#33
- Your illiteracy screwed us again! - Your illiteracy is screwing us!

#34
- That doesn't make any sense! - I have an important question.

#35
Does this make Charlie number five and I'm number four?

#36
- Because in light of... - Dee! Shut up!

#37
Stop with the sass! This is what Frank is talking about!

#38
- You never know when to shut up. - Maybe this thing isn't legal.

#39
No, it's legal. There was a lawyer there.

#40
- What are we gonna do now? - We're gonna dance our asses off!

#41
(disco)

#42
Hey, everybody. DJ Squirrely D and Fat Michael here from Q102.

#43
- The Q Crew. - Coming to you from Paddy's Pub!

#44
Kicking off our old-time dance marathon.

#45
Where the owners have put up their bar as the first prize.

#46
How about a quick recap of the rules for our listeners?

#47
All dancers must remain on their feet and dancing at all times.

#48
If you drop to the floor, you are out.

#49
- People, this could take hours. - It could take days.

#50
It could take weeks. So stay tuned, 'cause someone's gonna win a bar!

#51
- But only right here on Q102. - The Q Crew!

#52
- Good job, Charlie. - Take it easy and enjoy yourself,

#53
'cause I'm gonna win this thing with this right here!

#54
- What the hell is that? - Eighth grade dance competition.

#55
- I won to this song. - It's an endurance competition.

#56
We're not gonna win the bar back with some dance you did in 1989.

#57
They don't care if you dance well. It's a marathon.

#58
What's up, assholes?

#59
- What the hell you doing here? - I'm here to win your bar.

#60
Awesome. This whole thing was a mistake.

#61
So maybe you can help us win the bar back.

#62
Why would I ever help you do anything?

#63
All you've ever done... Stop. All you've done is screw me over.

#64
Now I'm here to win back your bar.

#65
- We're good though, right? - Go to hell.

#66
Do you want to partner up in this dance competition?

#67
Stop touching me, Charlie.

#68
Hello, jerks. Surprised to see me back?

#69
Rickety Cricket. You're here to win the bar because we ruined your life.

#70
Good guess.

#71
And I'm gonna win this bar with the help of my shiny new legs.

#72
The latest leg brace technology courtesy of Pennsylvania.

#73
Maybe we should partner up, ruin their lives together.

#74
- Maybe we should. Jealous? - No.

#75
- Let's go, Cricket. - It's Matthew.

#76
Holy shit.

#77
What's going on with Rickety Cricket's new legs?

#78
- They look so sturdy. - He's half machine.

#79
He's got a liquid hydraulic cooling system going on with that thing.

#80
That's cheating, dude. He's gonna win with those things.

#81
- It's like an exoskeleton. - It's exactly like an exoskeleton!

#82
We'll have to resort to foul play.

#83
There's no point in taking any chances. Let's get dirty.

#84
Maybe he'll sweat so much he'll rust those bionic legs.

#85
We should kick him in the dick! (horn honking, bells clanging)

#86
- What is that awful noise? - We got our first challenge!

#87
I need Mac to collect his dignity and step to the center.

#88
What? We've only been dancing for two minutes. Who's challenged me?

#89
(motors whirring)

#90
Shit. (bell clangs)

#91
Our two dancers have one song to strut their stuff.

#92
The loser will have to wear this 25-pound keg around his neck

#93
for the rest of the competition. - Talk about a ball and chain.

#94
- I'm going through a messy divorce. - He's not gonna go down easy.

#95
No way. He's fueled by vengeance

#96
and reinforced with space-age technology.

#97
- And go! (scream) - My legs!

#98
- The technology failed me! - He's fallen and he can't get up!

#99
- I am stealing that line! - It's already yours!

#100
All right. That's our first casualty of the night.

#101
But stay tuned. There's plenty more where that came from.

#102
Why don't we mix things up a little bit, by slowing things down?

#103
Everybody couple up and hit the dance floor.

#104
(ballad) Don't be afraid to get "sextra" close.

#105
- Osmond close on Q102. - The Q Crew.

#106
I do not even understand the smell coming from your body, dude.

#107
Relax, dude. I forgot to put on deodorant.

#108
- You gonna give me shit all day? - I never saw you wear deodorant.

#109
You've never seen me wash my testicles,

#110
but that doesn't mean I don't do it every Friday.

#111
And I swear to God you've got lice, man.

#112
I see little bugs crawling all over your body.

#113
That's glitter. I tried to make myself look a little fancy.

#114
- Mr. Fancy Pants. - Excuse me.

#115
I'm just trying to have a good competition here.

#116
I gotta get outta here. When is the partner switch?

#117
This could be a great idea to shake things up a little bit.

#118
Use the partner switch to get inside people's heads.

#119
Why is the person that's ranked last trying to hatch a plan?

#120
- Yeah, I wonder that too. - I just came up with an idea.

#121
This could be a good opportunity to shake things up.

#122
We could use this partner switch to get into people's heads.

#123
- Now you're talking! - Are you being serious?

#124
Shut up. We're hatching a plan.

#125
But we're gonna need a man on the outside. Frank, that's you.

#126
Why? Because I'm old? That's bullshit!

#127
No, dude. Because you're the best at scheming.

#128
We need you on the outside running things. Take a knee.

#129
- Kneel down. - Take a knee for the team, buddy.

#130
Yeah, there you go! (whistle blows)

#131
- Another one bites the dust. - Q Crew!

#132
We did just screw him over to kick him out of the contest, right?

#133
- Absolutely. - What?

#134
And by the way, when we get the bar back, you're ranked last!

#135
You can't rank me last. I created the ranking system.

#136
Then you shouldn't have dropped out, you old bitch.

#137
You lousy bastards.

#138
So who's next? Who's looking good out there?

#139
That young couple over there looks pretty limber.

#140
- We should take them out. - Okay, I'll take the girl.

#141
I'm gonna dance with the waitress for a little while.

#142
That's not gonna work. Mac, take the waitress.

#143
You can tire her out with your spastic movement.

#144
I'll tire her out with my awesome movements.

#145
Whatever it is.

#146
You should get into it more, Dee.

#147
(waltz)

#148
This is great, Dee. This is so restful.

#149
I'm really building up my reserves for later.

#150
I'm just really glad I can be of help, Charlie.

#151
Thank you.

#152
Mac and the waitress are getting pretty close.

#153
What's the matter? Can't keep up?

#154
No, I can't understand why you're dancing like that.

#155
I feel like you're gonna hit me. Please don't hit me.

#156
Good. Don't be afraid to get in real close, okay?

#157
Okay. How long have you been a dance instructor?

#158
A long time. Years.

#159
My fiancé and I we're not really dancers.

#160
We just joined this competition because we both got laid off.

#161
Right. I'm gonna dip you down now.

#162
Just stick your knee into my groin, just like that.

#163
Grind your hips and pulse your thighs. Ready? Go.

#164
- What the hell are you doing? - Relax. He's an instructor.

#165
He's showing me a new dance. What's it called again?

#166
- The Rococo Bang. - That's funny.

#167
- Isn't it? - Looks like he's feeling you up.

#168
I don't want to get in the middle of anything here.

#169
I'm just trying to teach your fiancée a new dance.

#170
You don't want to deprive her of that, do you?

#171
I think a little dance instruction might help us last longer.

#172
- All right. Just make it quick. - I'll make it quick.

#173
Gloria, for this next part you're gonna want to grip my buttocks.

#174
- Okay. Like that? - Right.

#175
Now we're gonna go down nice and low.

#176
Now grind and shift .and around and push

#177
- And feel and grip and grip. Good. - I see. Yeah.

#178
(exhaling sharply)

#179
- I'm over it anyway. - Are you?

#180
So let's not worry about it.

#181
Let's just talk about other things for a little bit.

#182
I'm glad you're over it, 'cause he's definitely gonna bang her.

#183
- He's gonna bang her? - You're not over it!

#184
I gotta stop that. I can't let that go on.

#185
You gotta get Mac out of this competition.

#186
- Yes! I gotta get him out. - You gotta get rid of him.

#187
- How would I do that? - I got an idea.

#188
RICKETY CRICKET: They burned you, too, didn't they?

#189
I know how it feels. The pain, the hurt.

#190
How about you and me join forces, and we make things right?

#191
- Get lost, street rat! - I was a man of the cl...

#192
Look, I want these guys, Frank. I want them!

#193
And I will stalk the streets and live in the shadows of the night

#194
until the streets of Philadelphia run red with their blood!

#195
- You got a lot of anger in you. - You're damn right!

#196
- Are you in or out? - I'm in.

#197
(whistle blows)

#198
Here he is. What a competition... Saw you dancing with the waitress.

#199
But I'm not jealous. I'm very impressed with your dance moves.

#200
Thank you, Charlie.

#201
Much better dancing than people give you credit for.

#202
- I've always thought that. - The elbow thing...

#203
You like the elbow thing? It's a specifically choreographed.

#204
- I'll show it to you one day. - I don't want to learn it.

#205
You probably couldn't pull it off anyway.

#206
- How do you feel about Dennis? - Dennis?

#207
Dennis has been driving me crazy.

#208
- I feel like he's a little jealous. - And nervous.

#209
Nervous that you're gonna be ranked number one

#210
when this whole thing goes down. - You think so?

#211
Absolutely!

#212
First of all, you deserve to be ranked number one at the bar.

#213
I think I do. I think I deserve to be number one.

#214
I've been working so hard for so many years.

#215
The cream always rises to the top.

#216
You're made of cream, and your cream is all over his face, man.

#217
- That pisses him off. - He hates that shit, dude.

#218
I'm always putting my cream all over his face, and it pisses him off.

#219
- My Gid. - We need to take Dennis out.

#220
- You think? - Yes!

#221
- And there's only one way to do it. - What's that?

#222
(bell clangs)

#223
- You don't want to do this. - I think I do, buddy.

#224
'Cause I got the moves that are gonna make me number one.

#225
Why don't you just go with the best dancer?

#226
Hit it. (dance pop)

#227
(continues)

#228
#If I were you I'd take precaution

#229
#Before I step To meet my girl#

#230
- Goddamn it! - Well, glad that's settled.

#231
I think I'm gonna go get in that chick's pants now.

#232
MAC: I thought they were engaged. - Engaged. That's just a word.

#233
- It doesn't mean anything. - It means they're getting married.

#234
Married, engaged. They're just words.

#235
My parents were married and engaged once.

#236
You saw how that worked out. I'm gonna go bang that chick.

#237
Enjoy wearing that keg for the rest of the competition.

#238
Yeah, that's good.

#239
Looking a little stiff there.

#240
- Want me to give you pointers? - That's okay.

#241
Come on, man. Let me show you some moves.

#242
- He's just trying to help. - All right, fine.

#243
All right, here we go. I'm gonna pretend like you're Gloria.

#244
You're not nearly as beautiful, but I can use my imagination.

#245
I'm gonna teach you how to dip her. That's really important.

#246
I'm gonna put my arm around your waist just like that.

#247
Keep moving. We don't want you out of the competition, right?

#248
No!

#249
Then I'm gonna bend my knees and dip you down real low.

#250
My goodness! What happened? You lost your grip?

#251
- You dropped me on purpose! - Calm down, Robert.

#252
It's perfectly natural to blame the teacher at first.

#253
- We're all feeling a little tired. - You son of a bitch!

#254
Robert, stop. Come on. It was an accident.

#255
Come on! Let's get out of here!

#256
Wait a second. You've come this far.

#257
- You don't want to stop now. - Butt out, man.

#258
This is none of your business. Now come on, honey!

#259
We came here to win. We need this!

#260
(growls) He's a violent guy.

#261
I know. I hate it when he gets like that.

#262
Gotta be careful with that one.

#263
- Goddamn it. FRAANK: I feel your pain, Mac.

#264
- We all do. - What the hell's going on here?

#265
- We're making brownies. - The drug-filled kind.

#266
- Shut up, Cricket! - What's he talking about, Frank?

#267
They're filled with sedatives. (laughing)

#268
You want to help me distribute them? I'll make you my number two.

#269
- You're not even in the contest. - I certainly am.

#270
I have an inside horse. You see this homeless gentleman?

#271
- He wins, I win. - Come on, Mac. Join our crew.

#272
Shut up, you goddamn street rat! Keep working!

#273
You are on your way out.

#274
So you might as well go out with a bang

#275
and have some insurance. - Okay, I'm in.

#276
But I don't know how much longer I can last here.

#277
- This thing's killing my back. - I'll come up with a rig.

#278
- Definitely. - Shut up, street rat.

#279
(disco)

#280
Wow. He's getting pretty close to that pretty girl.

#281
- Yeah. - You gotta make him jealous.

#282
I don't want to make him jealous. I want to win your bar.

#283
Okay.

#284
How do you think I could make him jealous?

#285
I'll tell you what you need to do. See that homeless guy?

#286
- You gotta dance with him. - That doesn't make any sense.

#287
- It makes sense. You're tired. - I am, but it doesn't make sense.

#288
- Okay, it's reverse psychology. - No, it's not.

#289
You know what? I'm his sister.

#290
I know him really well. I know him a lot better than you.

#291
The only way you're gonna be able to land Dennis

#292
s by making him feel he's lower on your list

#293
than a disgusting, filthy homeless guy.

#294
- I'm gonna go grind a homeless guy. - Good girl. Make it dirty.

#295
(swing)

#296
My God! She's really grinding away over there!

#297
Eat your heart out, Dennis Reynolds!

#298
Hey, pretty lady? Look, can you do me a favor?

#299
Can you prop your leg up and grind on me all sexual-like?

#300
Charlie's over there blowing up my spot with that girl.

#301
- He is blowing up your spot. - I know.

#302
Better make some moves to get her back.

#303
I'm gonna make some moves like a ranked number two guy would.

#304
- You're number two. - What's up, bitches?

#305
- Why are you dancing so strangely? - Because of all my energy.

#306
I got tons of energy now because of this.

#307
- Energy bar. Have some. - Looks like a shit ball.

#308
- No! That's an energy bar! - Why is it so heavy and big?

#309
Because it's filled with vitamins and shit.

#310
Just eat it and you'll have a burst of energy. Trust me.

#311
- Don't eat it, Dee! - It's filled with cough medicine.

#312
- I love you! - You traitor bastard!

#313
- That's it, Cricket. - You're my whole life.

#314
I love you. I ain't going out without a fight!

#315
Don't leave me in the sun. I'll burn.

#316
You are in cahoots with those guys?

#317
I'm not in cahoots with anybody!

#318
- You've been cahooting with them! - I have not been cahooting!

#319
You're wearing Rickety Cricket's exoskeleton right now!

#320
- I am not! Okay. - Yes, you are!

#321
So I'm wearing it.

#322
- You are pathetic. Am I, Dee? Is this pathetic?

#323
- What are you doing, bro? - A man can't enjoy a sexual lady?

#324
Not when it's with my partner. I'm cutting in.

#325
- Get out of here! I need her! - Why do you need her?

#326
- Just put it that way. - You leave me no choice, Charlie.

#327
- Hey, asshole. - Whatever. Wanna dance?

#328
- Yes! - Good.

#329
Good. Take a load off. Let these strong, sweet, sexual arms hold you.

#330
- So strong. - I gotcha. So strong.

#331
(screams) No!

#332
(whistle blows) You made me do that.

#333
- You piece of shit. - Yeah, maybe.

#334
You piece of shit! Dennis Reynolds, I trusted you!

#335
- Why? - You're the biggest piece of shit!

#336
That's it. I'm taking this one out. I'm going limp.

#337
No, Charlie. Don't go limp. I got you, Gloria.

#338
- You're hurting me! - Charlie, don't do this.

#339
- He's trying to have sex with you. - I'm not gonna have sex with you!

#340
- What do you mean? - I'm engaged!

#341
Engaged is just a word. It doesn't have any meaning.

#342
- No, it's a very serious word. - Thank you!

#343
- I was getting somewhere, wasn't I? - No, you weren't.

#344
- Really? See you later. - No!

#345
(gasps) (whistle blows)

#346
You really are the biggest piece of shit on the planet.

#347
- You still talking to me? (huffs) - Dick!

#348
Don't worry, ma'am, 'cause I'm about to take this sucker out!

#349
- You're gonna take me out? - You bet.

#350
- How are you gonna do that? - This right here. DJ Fat Michael!

#351
- Squirrely D? - Yeah!

#352
Please play my dance for a dance challenge.

#353
- That's a can-do, my brother. - Let me tell you a lesson.

#354
The cream always rises to the top.

#355
I'm about to show you the white-hot cream of an 8th grade boy.

#356
My God. Play the tape. (bell clangs)

#357
(slow disco)

#358
You gotta be kidding me.

#359
(continues)

#360
#Watching every motion In my foolish lovers game

#361
#On this endless ocean Finally lovers know no shame#

#362
It was like a ballet.

#363
How did he remember the choreography? It was 20 years ago.

#364
I don't know. It was beautiful, man.

#365
- What's going on, monkeys? - How are those kegs treating you?

#366
Pretty good. What you munching on, pal?

#367
Energy ball, courtesy of my partner here.

#368
- You look pretty woozy there. - I'm feeling woozy.

#369
What is it? Wait. What is up, man? I feel like I'm tripping.

#370
Charlie, that might be the cough medicine.

#371
You got about 15 minutes until you drop like a ton of bricks.

#372
- Holy shit! Did you play me? - I played you good.

#373
Maybe now you two jerks might want to start treating me with respect.

#374
- Why would we show you respect? - Yeah, why?

#375
I masterminded this situation. (blows raspberry)

#376
Not only did I get Charlie to eat a drug-filled brownie,

#377
I got everybody in here to do it.

#378
Pretty soon, people are gonna be dropping like flies,

#379
and it's gonna be me and you two jerks.

#380
- Good luck with those kegs, boners. - Bitch.

#381
There is enough cough medicine in there to kill a gorilla.

#382
If you keep eating it, you're not gonna last five minutes.

#383
Bro, I can handle my sedatives.

#384
(waltz)

#385
(continues)

#386
I cannot believe how long Charlie has lasted after eating the brownie.

#387
Karate, snow machine... Chop set...

#388
- What's with the chopping? - I'm chopping all over my action.

#389
And mostly power.

#390
- He's lost his damn mind. - My back's killing me.

#391
Break me off a piece of that exoskeleton.

#392
It doesn't work that way.

#393
You can't just break off a piece of an exoskeleton.

#394
Give me some of that liquid hydraulic shit!

#395
It's a sensitive science! Don't use your elbows!

#396
Dennis, what are you doing? (whistle blows)

#397
- Double whammy! - Are you happy? Dee's gonna win.

#398
No. We still got Charlie.

#399
(whistle blows) Don't worry about it.

#400
I got an inside horse, Larry. That's my inside horse.

#401
- Larry! Stay awake! - Go, Larry!

#402
He's staying up! Come on, Larry! You can do it!

#403
You feeling bad? That's too bad.

#404
'Cause I'm just getting my second wind. Cricket! Now!

#405
Here I come, Dee! I love you so much!

#406
(screaming) (whistle blows)

#407
- My God, my knee! - Larry! You won the bar for us!

#408
- Larry wins! All right, Larry! - I have a shattered kneecap!

#409
- Dee, we can start again. Right? - Never talk to me again, rat!

#410
Look on the bright side. At least you're not ranked last anymore.

#411
- Who's last now? - Charlie.

#412
MAC: That kid really needs to learn how to read.

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