Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S07E06 — The Storm of the Century

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 7, Episode 6 — The Storm of the Century

#1
We're looking at one of the most powerful storm systems

#2
ever to hit the Philadelphia area, folks.

#3
As the hurricane moves up the East Coast,

#4
we're already starting to feel its impact with heavy winds,

#5
and everyone is bracing themselves for torrential rainfall.

#6
Oh, my God.

#7
I've never seen anything of this magnitude.

#8
I can't believe how severe this is.

#9
They get bigger and bigger every year.

#10
JACKIE We're expecting 20 to 30 inches.

#11
Philadelphia, this is dangerous.

#12
Stay indoors and be safe.

#13
Well, I, for one, would like to meet this Jackie Denardo,

#14
and see if her breasts are as staggering in person.

#15
Guys, maybe we should get a 3-D TV.

#16
The breasts are only gonna keep getting bigger,

#17
and we need the latest technology to keep up.

#18
Are you guys kidding me? You're focused on boobies

#19
at a time when a massive storm

#20
is about to hit Philadelphia?

#21
It's a hurricane we're talking about.

#22
She's talking about it, and, you know,

#23
we're sort of listening and we're enjoying her breasts.

#24
- Just let us have this. - Yeah.

#25
The breasts make you care about the weather

#26
- in a really good way, not... - Right.

#27
Guys, maybe she's right.

#28
I mean, maybe we are too focused on this woman's breasts.

#29
- Switch it to the other news channel. - ...Channel 5 News.

#30
Amigos, tenemos.

#31
Cha-cha-cha!

#32
Oh, man! It's internacional! It's on every channel.

#33
These are the breasts we should focus on.

#34
Hey-ho! What's up?

#35
What are you wearing?

#36
I got all riled up by the weather report.

#37
Ain't a drop of rain out there.

#38
I put this old trash bag on to be protected.

#39
Yeah, you did it for nothing, huh?

#40
Yeah, it's media hype.

#41
Hyping up the storm, making people all nervous about it.

#42
I don't know, Frank. I don't think this is hype,

#43
'cause they're calling it the "Storm of the century".

#44
Well, I'll tell you what, Dee, because you might be right,

#45
I think it's worth switching over to the other channel.

#46
Because I feel like the coverage was a little bit more extensive.

#47
As you can see behind me...

#48
Oh! Look at that!

#49
- Oh, come on! - Oh! Yeah!

#50
I'm broadcasting to you live

#51
from the All American Home Center

#52
where shoppers are facing long lines to buy supplies

#53
- for the hurricane expected... - Oh.

#54
They're talking about evacuating the city.

#55
Maybe this is more serious than we thought.

#56
Yeah, it's serious. It's a Category 5 storm.

#57
We've got to get ready.

#58
Oh, shit.

#59
Dude, maybe the Mexicans were right.

#60
What are you talking about?

#61
The Mexicans predicted that the world was gonna end in 2012.

#62
That was the Mayans, dude.

#63
Mayans, Mexicans... what's the difference?

#64
One difference is that the Mayans are extinct.

#65
Yeah, the Mexicans killed them.

#66
No, the Spaniards banged the Mayans,

#67
turned them into Mexicans.

#68
Oh, guys, this doesn't look good.

#69
Okay, we're now getting unconfirmed reports

#70
of sporadic looting in cities along the East Coast.

#71
People are looting now? Come on.

#72
Ah, it's the media. They hype the storm.

#73
They hype the looting. It's all for ratings.

#74
Whatever, either way, I think we should head up to higher ground,

#75
you know, get to the Poconos.

#76
Nah, you don't want to go up in the mountains. Are you crazy?

#77
That's just putting you closer to the storm.

#78
You want to go low, low as can be.

#79
You know what?

#80
We gotta stop pussy-dicking around here, okay?

#81
It's time to get in the bunker.

#82
Bunker? What bunker?

#83
Yeah, we converted this old storage closet

#84
into a place where we could ride out Y2K.

#85
Y2K!

#86
Perfect example of how the press hypes everything to no end and nothing happens.

#87
Well, we know that now, Frank, but back then, we were pretty scared.

#88
Yeah, but why were we so scared?

#89
Well, Dee got us all worked up

#90
about the computers taking over mankind,

#91
and then she had us build this bunker.

#92
Yeah, robopocalypse, machines communicating with each other

#93
and conspiring to destroy the human race.

#94
- That is complete nonsense, Deandra. - Is it nonsense?

#95
Is it nonsense? Or is it nonsense that we rely solely on computers

#96
to run every aspect of our lives, huh?

#97
- Hysterical. She's hysterical. - Calm down.

#98
Here, come check out the bunker.

#99
It's pretty cool.

#100
What the hell?

#101
What the hell happened to the bunker?

#102
We, uh, we raided the bunker directly after Y2K.

#103
Well, now it's empty.

#104
Now there's nothing in here for us to use.

#105
And why is there a condom wrapper on the floor?

#106
You've probably been banging in the bunker, right?

#107
- Guilty. - I've been watching him bang in here.

#108
- Have you? - Weird. Weird.

#109
The bunker's for emergencies. This is not a joke.

#110
- Yeah, well, whatever, you know. - That's an emergency, I guess.

#111
I see that somebody's also been eating

#112
a lot of your weird canned foods and sardines, Charlie.

#113
Yeah, where's all my...

#114
Yeah, well, he was probably down here with Mac,

#115
watching you rape girls and eating pickled eggs.

#116
I don't rape girls. Come on.

#117
Yeah, and I don't eat that many pickled eggs.

#118
But, well, you know what?

#119
Let's stock up on some more pickled eggs down here though.

#120
That's a good idea. Let's go to the All American Home Store.

#121
We can get all of our supplies there.

#122
- The All American? - Yeah.

#123
That's the place with the weather...

#124
Yeah!

#125
- Let's go there. Let's go there. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

#126
Wait. You're gonna actually go

#127
where the media is advertising?

#128
Oh, come on, Frank, it's not like we've never been

#129
to the All American Home Center before.

#130
It's in our minds, you know.

#131
And she's in my mind.

#132
- Let's go there. It's settled. - Right, I know.

#133
But first, we need to board up windows.

#134
So, Frank, you help me with this plywood.

#135
And you guys can each grab a box over there, and then we'll...

#136
And they've left. They've left now.

#137
I'm only still here 'cause I'm not as quick as them.

#138
Is that a pickled egg?

#139
No. It's an egg I brought from home.

#140
Attention, all All American Home Center shoppers...

#141
People seem pretty amped up.

#142
We should get our supplies before they sell out.

#143
Yeah, for sure. You know, we should come up with a plan,

#144
and we should divide up.

#145
- Oh, my God. - Ooh-hoo-hoo.

#146
- Aw! They're spectacular. - Wow!

#147
Whoo!

#148
Imagine that image in 3-D.

#149
- Oh, baby. - Yeah. Oh, my God.

#150
Guys, I'm telling you, we should get one of these 3-D TVs.

#151
Yeah, totally, but not now, okay?

#152
We can't spend our money on a 3-D TV.

#153
Right. All right, we gotta get the supplies,

#154
head up to the Poconos ASAP.

#155
Come on. I don't know. I mean, let's think about this.

#156
I mean, for all we know, it could be the end of days.

#157
- No, it's not the end of days. - I don't wanna go uphill.

#158
Guys, it's not the end of days. Calm down.

#159
It's just a storm, okay?

#160
We'll get some batteries. We'll get some supplies.

#161
Food. We'll get food.

#162
Yeah, we'll get food.

#163
But I feel like you didn't... You didn't say food.

#164
- Yeah, we'll get food, okay? Jesus Christ. - Relax!

#165
Okay, yeah, I'm... I'm getting crazy.

#166
All right, I'll get the food.

#167
- Yeah. - Oh, my God.

#168
- You guys get the supplies. - Okay, we'll get the supplies.

#169
- Okay. Okay. - Give us the cash because...

#170
No, no, it's okay. I have Frank's credit card. You take the cash.

#171
You got the cash. We got the credit card. Let's go.

#172
Hey, you know what I was thinking? In addition to supplies,

#173
it might be nice to grab some girls, you know, get them back to the bar.

#174
This Jackie Denardo chick, she's, uh,

#175
sparked another storm inside me,

#176
- if you know what I mean. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

#177
Might be nice to ride the storm out with some chicks.

#178
Yeah, yeah.

#179
And we could use 'em to repopulate the planet or something.

#180
- Yeah. - That'll be great to have them.

#181
I'm not gonna entertain this notion anymore. I don't want to hear it.

#182
Okay. I'd at least like to find one, like, Mexican or Mayan

#183
or something for predictions.

#184
No! But get some batteries though.

#185
You be the battery guy, and I'll be the...

#186
- the "chicks and tits" guy. - All right.

#187
Frank!

#188
Frank, you want to come help me do this or what?

#189
No. Come over here. I want you to see this.

#190
- Frank... - Come on, check this out.

#191
At any moment, hoards of maniacs could come pouring through the windows.

#192
- This doesn't concern you? - Come on, Deandra.

#193
Please come over here and sit down, look at this.

#194
What?

#195
You remember years ago there was a storm in New Orleans?

#196
- Hurricane Katrina? - Yes.

#197
- Yeah, I remember it. Mmm-hmm. - Okay, check this out.

#198
What do you think those people are doing?

#199
Surviving or looting?

#200
They're surviving.

#201
Mmm. Okay?

#202
- Do you remember a man named Rodney King? - Yes, of course I do.

#203
Okay, the LAPD worked him over really good.

#204
- Yes. - Okay.

#205
This was taken during the Rodney King riots.

#206
What do you think these people are doing, looting or surviving?

#207
- Well, they're looting. - Of course!

#208
Well, it's the media, see?

#209
When it's white people, it's survival.

#210
And when it's Black people, it's looting.

#211
No, Frank. It's because the white people are stealing bread.

#212
And the Black people are stealing speakers.

#213
If the white people were stealing stereo equipment,

#214
I would say they were looting, too.

#215
How do you know the Blacks don't have bread in those speakers?

#216
What are we talking about right now?

#217
- There are big things to do. - Calm down.

#218
This is the best part.

#219
- More? - Yeah, just check this out.

#220
This was taken during the riots.

#221
Do you recognize anybody in there?

#222
What are you doing in the video?

#223
I happened to be out in LA during the riots.

#224
I was on business.

#225
And to steal ski equipment, I guess.

#226
Yeah, well, I went in for a loaf of bread. I took some skis.

#227
- Everybody's happy. - Not the people who own the skis.

#228
- Oh, shit! - All right, all right, calm...

#229
- Oh, my God! The power went out! - Calm down.

#230
This is terrible! We gotta get...

#231
That's why I like to have this little baby with me.

#232
Jesus! God damn it!

#233
- Come on. - Let's go! To the bunker!

#234
- You come with me. - Yeah, go first. Don't...

#235
Just be careful with that.

#236
We're gonna call it a hurricane party.

#237
It's gonna be cool. It's gonna be awesome, yeah.

#238
What's a hurricane party?

#239
A hurricane party's exactly what it sounds like.

#240
It's a party during a hurricane at our bar, Paddy's Pub.

#241
I've heard of that bar!

#242
Hey! Hello!

#243
All right! All right! Hi.

#244
- Crazy, crazy weather coming our way. - Yeah.

#245
You trying to get these girls down to the bunker, or...

#246
Oh, no, I'm... I'm inviting them back to our very cool bar that we own.

#247
- Oh! Cool, cool. - Yeah.

#248
- Yeah, we got a sweet bunker too. - Yeah.

#249
It's, like, so secure.

#250
People can't get in or out if we don't want 'em to.

#251
- We'll be, like, totally safe down there. - Yeah.

#252
I got a bunch of supplies. You guys like pickled eggs?

#253
We got sardines too.

#254
Yeah, we got a bunch of other, you know, normal food

#255
- and normal stuff there too. - Yeah.

#256
Yeah, it's a great bar. Gonna be free drinks for everybody.

#257
So, you know, you'll come. You'll party with us.

#258
And you can bring your girlfriends, too, you know?

#259
We don't want just the two of you.

#260
You got to bring your girlfriends. That's a requirement.

#261
Sounds like fun.

#262
Can our boyfriends come too?

#263
Oh.

#264
Your boyfriends?

#265
Yeah, our boyfriends.

#266
You two have boyfriends?

#267
How did you not know

#268
that the reason I invited you back to my bar

#269
was to bang you?

#270
Get outta here.

#271
Get the hell outta here! Get... Get outta here!

#272
- Shoo away from me! - You're a dick.

#273
You're a dick. She's a... I'm not a dick.

#274
It's okay. Take it easy, all right?

#275
What was that? That was too dark.

#276
They lied to me.

#277
Oh, okay. Well, just let it go, all right?

#278
If you want to entice these ladies, you gotta talk about the bunker.

#279
You got to lead with the bunker...

#280
No! You end with the bunker.

#281
Or you don't talk about the bunker at all.

#282
Are you kidding me? What are you wearing?

#283
Dude, they have amazing stuff here. I'm totally prepared.

#284
Check this out. How sweet is that?

#285
Dude, what are you... No, drop that.

#286
Are you kidding me?

#287
You think girls are gonna want to come back to a bar

#288
with a man dressed the way you're dressed and carrying a hatchet?

#289
Yeah! They're gonna be like, "Look at this sweet dude,

#290
his awesome gear and his awesome hatchet.

#291
He's prepared. He's ready for anything.

#292
Storm coming? Hatchet coming."

#293
Dude, I have an idea.

#294
I'm gonna go to the office section.

#295
Meet me in the office section.

#296
Okay. All right, good. I'll find Mac,

#297
'cause we gotta get out of here, man.

#298
Okay, yeah. No... Let's lose the hatchet.

#299
Come on, man. The...

#300
I got another hatchet. Don't you worry about that.

#301
Dark as shit in here.

#302
It's very creepy. Let's just get to the bunker.

#303
What was that? Was that a rat?

#304
- It was a looter. - What...

#305
Behind us!

#306
Oh, a looter! Looter. Shoot him!

#307
No, don't shoot. It's Cricket!

#308
Ooh! No!

#309
Cricket!

#310
Oh, what are you doing down here, Cricket?

#311
I come down to the bunker sometimes when it rains.

#312
Oh, we got to get him to the hospital!

#313
No, I ain't goin' to no hospital.

#314
They euthanize the homeless. They're goddamed death camps!

#315
You got no hand, Cricket!

#316
I have a hand, Frank!

#317
It's... It's a little... I have a hole in it. Big deal.

#318
Oh, Frank, I'm gonna be honest with you.

#319
I don't really wanna go to the hospital either, you know, because

#320
we're gonna be there when the hurricane hits,

#321
and it's gonna be packed to the gills with vagrants.

#322
- Are you out of your mind? - What?

#323
- This man is bleeding to death here! - You know what we could do?

#324
We could dress him up and take him upstairs.

#325
And then the looters would think he's the owner of the bar,

#326
and they'd have their way with him, and if he died,

#327
you know, it's on them and... And not on us.

#328
That... That's good. Let's just do that.

#329
Don't listen to him! He's delirious!

#330
You're bleeding out, Cricket!

#331
It's nothing. Frank, this is nothing.

#332
God damn it! All right, Cricket.

#333
All right, fine. We'll go. We'll go to the hospital.

#334
Frank, we are coming right back here after we drop him off

#335
to be where we are safe, in the bunker, where we belong.

#336
- Okay, let's go! - Okay, get out.

#337
You're marching me to the ovens!

#338
Dennis!

#339
There you are, dude.

#340
Dude, things are getting kind of bad in here, man.

#341
Like, people are all worked up, right?

#342
I've been trying to find Mac.

#343
He's not answering my phone calls.

#344
I went out to the parking lot to see if he was out there

#345
hiding out in the car or something.

#346
He took off! Car's gone!

#347
Mmm, well, clearly, he's evacuated to the Poconos.

#348
Do you really think he'd do that to us?

#349
Absolutely do that to us.

#350
I don't know. This is bad, dude.

#351
What you got here? What you working on?

#352
Oh, this is great. This is an agreement for the women.

#353
Yeah, it guarantees that whoever comes back to the bar with us,

#354
agrees to follow all the rules that we set forth.

#355
Well, that's smart. Walk me through the details.

#356
- What you got, Dennis? - Oh, it's all very simple, Charlie.

#357
Very simple stuff.

#358
- Um, "I... state your name." - Charlie Kelly.

#359
Mmm? Well, not your name.

#360
- Oh. - Their name.

#361
"Being of sound mind and body,

#362
do solemnly pledge that I do not have a boyfriend,

#363
nor am I currently engaged in a sexual relationship

#364
with another individual, females excluded."

#365
- Right. - "I hereby agree to be easygoing,

#366
"to engage in playful conversation,

#367
"to always act as though I desire your penis even when I don't."

#368
- Yeah. - It sort of goes on and on

#369
like that for a while.

#370
I love it. Where do I sign?

#371
Again, um, you don't sign anywhere.

#372
If we're doing a contract, I want to sign it, so...

#373
This isn't a contract for you, Charlie.

#374
- Uh, it's not? - This is a contract...

#375
Till now, I always got by on my own

#376
I never really cared until I met you

#377
And now it chills me to the bone

#378
How do I get you alone?

#379
Oh, my God.

#380
Charlie, I might be in love with this woman.

#381
- Not for the right reasons, mind you. - I got an idea.

#382
- Yeah. - Let's get her back to the bunker, right?

#383
She's the perfect kind of woman

#384
to start over the new world with.

#385
We would create a race

#386
of super giant-breasted women, you know?

#387
- Oh! - I'd start sleeping with your daughters.

#388
You'd sleep with my daughters.

#389
I'd sleep with your daughters' daughters.

#390
You'd sleep with my daughters' daughters.

#391
We die, our sons would sleep

#392
with our daughters' daughters' daughters.

#393
It's like a perfect society.

#394
Okay, I see where you're going with that,

#395
but it sounds like it could get a little messy.

#396
It could get a little stick...

#397
let's work out a new agreement, you know.

#398
All right, we'll come up with a separate agreement.

#399
Who sleeps with whose daughter?

#400
Okay, that sounds good.

#401
Um, all right, I'm gonna go talk to this woman.

#402
- All right, okay. Okay. - All right.

#403
- Um... - Um...

#404
I gotta say, man, this woman's like, really throwing me off, dude.

#405
I feel very, very nervous. I don't usually get nervous.

#406
- You want me to help you out? - Yeah. No!

#407
- I'll go over there with you. - No, no, no.

#408
I want you to stay as far away from me as possible.

#409
You're standing too close to me as it is actually.

#410
- Okay. - Have you gotten into the cheese?

#411
- There's a whole cheese section. - I bet there is.

#412
- I went nuts. - All right, well, you stink.

#413
Mmm-hmm. All right, you know what?

#414
I'll find Frank. He'll pick us up.

#415
Okay, yeah, go call Frank. I'm gonna go talk to the, uh...

#416
I don't think I can do it dressed like this though. I look ridiculous.

#417
You guys, I don't mean to be a bother,

#418
but are we almost at the hospital?

#419
Shut the hell up, Cricket! Okay?

#420
I'm driving as fast as I can! Do you not see that?

#421
Move!

#422
What are you doing, Frank?

#423
- What are you doing, Frank? - I'm getting air!

#424
You're sucking it all up with your panicking.

#425
It's freezing outside. You're gonna catch cold,

#426
and then everyone's gonna get sick in the bunker.

#427
What are you talking about? Freezing? It's sunny as shit.

#428
Will you calm down, for crying out loud?

#429
You're gonna give me a heart attack!

#430
- Oh, all right. - Let's go.

#431
It's Charlie. Yo!

#432
You're shittin' me!

#433
Huh?

#434
God!

#435
Mac went to the Poconos,

#436
left them stranded by the All American with the supplies!

#437
With the supplies? No! No, no, no, no!

#438
I'm not getting stranded in the bunker with no supplies!

#439
You guys, what about me? I'm in pain. I'm in...

#440
- Shut up! - Goddamn you, Cricket!

#441
Goddamn you! It's not about you!

#442
Listen, I'm gonna pick up the guys. I'm gonna drop you off at the hospital.

#443
It's gonna take two seconds, okay?

#444
Is that okay, Cricket, with you? Huh?

#445
Go!

#446
Come on, come on! Get outta the way!

#447
I don't wanna die.

#448
Don't make me do it, Cricket. I will slice you in half!

#449
As you can see behind me, Larry,

#450
the storm is really taking its toll on weary shoppers.

#451
The lines are still long

#452
as frustrated customers wait anxiously

#453
to return home with some emergency supplies

#454
before the worst of the storm hits.

#455
Jackie Denardo, Channel 5 News.

#456
We out? Good.

#457
Hi... Hi.

#458
It's... Hi.

#459
I'm Dennis... Reynolds.

#460
Hi. Hi... Dennis.

#461
I have a bar. I own a bar. It's my bar.

#462
And I wanted to invite you to it for...

#463
uh, we have food and supplies, and it would be a good place.

#464
This storm is gonna be bad, as you know.

#465
So why not be at the bar with me, um,

#466
and, you know, for the good of the race?

#467
So, come to the bar and, uh...

#468
oh, and I have a contra... An agreement.

#469
- Uh, excuse me, sir. - And I need you to sign...

#470
Yes?

#471
MAN Yeah, it's about the storm.

#472
Okay?

#473
MAN Storm's not gonna hit Philly.

#474
It's just gonna drizzle.

#475
- Really? - Yeah.

#476
- How am I supposed to turn that into news? - I don't know.

#477
Find some other way to make these people go nuts.

#478
- We need a story. - Okay, thanks.

#479
Hey, Todd?

#480
Storm's just been downgraded.

#481
Apparently, we're just gonna get a light drizzle.

#482
- God damn it! - I have a bunker.

#483
Maybe we can turn this into global warming.

#484
That always gets people whipped up, huh?

#485
Get... If you get in the bunker with me,

#486
then you'll be totally safe.

#487
For the good of the race, we can create an entire...

#488
Oh, my God! Get lost, creep!

#489
You're gonna treat me like a dog, huh?

#490
You're gonna treat Cricket like a dog?

#491
Hospital.

#492
Hospital.

#493
Come on.

#494
Come on!

#495
Hurry it up. Move it along.

#496
He's taking forever. We're gonna die in...

#497
Hey, you look kind of Mayan.

#498
You wouldn't happen to be a Mayan, would you?

#499
- Charlie, there you are. - I think I found a Mayan.

#500
We've been looking all over for you.

#501
Cricket's out in the car bleeding like a pig.

#502
- Seriously? - We gotta get the supplies right away.

#503
I got a great amount of supplies.

#504
I've been getting all sorts of stuff. Things that would...

#505
Hey! Hey, hey! That's my cart!

#506
Hey, folks! Folks, listen up!

#507
I'm sorry, but our credit card machines

#508
just went down due to a system overload.

#509
We can only accept cash at this time.

#510
- What? - Shit!

#511
Okay, well, you got cash?

#512
I only have cards.

#513
Charlie, where's the cash I gave you?

#514
Mac took off with all our cash! He just took off!

#515
- What? - We're gonna die.

#516
Oh! I told you! I told you!

#517
I told you we're dependent on machines.

#518
Once the machines go down, then society collapses!

#519
We're going to hell in a handcart.

#520
Okay, okay, I got a plan, okay?

#521
Let's just start looting shit, okay?

#522
- Let's just grab shit. - Yes!

#523
- Let's just grab whatever we can. - Yes!

#524
No, you can't loot until the crowd whips up into a frenzy.

#525
The crowd is whipped up into a frenzy.

#526
They just stole my cart!

#527
I... I think the time will be evident.

#528
- Well, what are we waiting for? - I don't know.

#529
Oh!

#530
Oh!

#531
- Loot! Loot! Time to loot! Loot! - Loot! Loot!

#532
Take everything and anything!

#533
Kill the machines!

#534
Kill the machines!

#535
It's their fault!

#536
Kill the machines before they kill us!

#537
Come on, come on, come on. Get it, get it, get it.

#538
Just seconds ago, a car crashed through the building,

#539
and the crowd is scattering.

#540
Despite the fact that the storm has been downgraded,

#541
the people have worked themselves

#542
into an uncontrollable frenzy!

#543
It's the end of days! This is the end of days!

#544
Pandemonium has struck!

#545
Come to the bunker! Come to the bunker!

#546
Dennis, I got her! Dennis, I got her!

#547
Is this the hospital?

#548
- Is this the hospital? - This isn't a hospital.

#549
3-D boobies.

#550
Now, this is news.

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