Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S07E02 — The Gang Goes to the Jersey Shore

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 7, Episode 2 — The Gang Goes to the Jersey Shore

#1
Burn! Burn! Burn! Burn! Burn! Burn! Burn! Burn!

#2
- Burn! Burn! Burn! Burn! - Hey!

#3
- Burn! Burn! Burn! Yeah. Cool. - What are you guys burning?

#4
Bunch of garbage that's just taking up space.

#5
No, goddamn it!

#6
Wait. Frank, why are you burning our photo album pictures?

#7
What do you mean? Because it's trash.

#8
You kidding me? Oh, my God.

#9
Dude, these are all the pictures

#10
from our Jersey Shore vacations.

#11
- You were gonna burn these? - Yeah.

#12
These were like the happiest days of our lives.

#13
Oh, come on. Jersey Shore sucked.

#14
The shore didn't suck, Frank. You sucked, okay?

#15
You just complained the whole time and ruined it for everyone else.

#16
Yeah, because I had to do all the work. I never got to relax.

#17
I would love to go on a vacation.

#18
Oh, my God. Me, too. I would love to go on a vacation.

#19
Yeah, but not to the Jersey Shore, though.

#20
I mean, that place sounds like a nightmare.

#21
What's wrong with the Jersey Shore?

#22
Come on. You've seen that TV show.

#23
It's just a bunch of sweaty guidos

#24
getting hopped up on energy drinks and giving each other diseases.

#25
No. The Jersey Shore is nothing like that.

#26
It's a magical place where people swim in the ocean

#27
and they get to ride on fun rides and they get to have their first kiss.

#28
Dude, you would love it.

#29
Well, hang on a second. I've never seen the ocean.

#30
I... I could get into that if you guys wanna go down to the shore.

#31
- Aw, yes! - Yes!

#32
- We should all go to the shore together. - I'll tell you what.

#33
Maybe I'll knock myself out and we'll head down to the shore.

#34
Yeah, but I feel like you're just gonna screw it up

#35
- if you try and knock yourself out. - Yeah. Yeah.

#36
You're probably going to come to halfway there and then complain

#37
- the rest of the time. - Yeah. I'll tell you what.

#38
Why don't I take the rag? I'll get the chloroform.

#39
I'll get you when you least expect it.

#40
- All right, sweet. - Yeah?

#41
Yeah! Going down to the Jersey Shore!

#42
Yeah, going to the shore, baby!

#43
Now, this ocean, explain it to me. It goes on forever?

#44
Go to sleep. Go to sleep.

#45
So I woke up, like, halfway there,

#46
and then you just snuffed me out again, huh, Mac?

#47
Oh, this place turned into a major shithole.

#48
Oh, it does not look exactly the way I remember it looking.

#49
- That's for sure. - No, no, it's different. It's different.

#50
The guy at the front desk said there was a meth lab explosion,

#51
so the hotel burned down. They had to rebuild it.

#52
- Something like that. - There's a smell too, like...

#53
Don't sweat it, you guys. Listen.

#54
With any luck at all, we won't be spending any time here,

#55
- so just think of it more like a locker. - Yes!

#56
I'm sorry. Is no one gonna talk about Dee's hair?

#57
Oh. I was waiting to pounce. I just didn't know what our cue was.

#58
Yeah, I was waiting for Dennis to jump on top of it.

#59
- And then we were gonna slay her. - Yeah.

#60
No, no. It's fine. All the cool girls get their hair braided at the shore.

#61
- I think she looks like Bo Derek. - Thank you, Dennis.

#62
Mmm-hmm. You see, Dee and I have some very fond memories of the shore.

#63
We're not going to have you sullying those great memories

#64
- with all your goddamn insults. - Mmm-mmm.

#65
Are you drinking sunscreen?

#66
No, no. It's a decoy. We're drinking tequila out of sunscreen bottles.

#67
Uh, yeah. Very strict open container laws here at the Jersey Shore.

#68
Cheers.

#69
Holy shit!

#70
- Is that the ocean? - Yep.

#71
Yeah, buddy, that's the ocean.

#72
What's on the other side of it there?

#73
- Europe. - Yeah.

#74
- Now, how long would it take... - Do not try and swim to Europe.

#75
- No. - Don't swim to Europe.

#76
- Do not. - As a matter of fact, why don't you stick

#77
with Dee and I because we can show you the ropes here

#78
at the Jersey Shore. All right, everybody,

#79
you know what time it is!

#80
Let's go strut the beach.

#81
Not struttin' shit. No beach struttin' for me.

#82
I'm gonna find a place to relax and unwind.

#83
- Frank, I'm with you. - Yeah.

#84
Why don't you grab us some booze? I'll go down to the beach

#85
and get us some prime real estate

#86
before those gorilla dickheads get down there.

#87
Yeah.

#88
- Gonna relax. Let's do it! - Let's get out of here.

#89
Oh, man, this ocean breeze feels so good on my scalp.

#90
Yeah, it feels awesome. The sand feels good beneath my feet.

#91
- Uh-huh. - I'm a little curious

#92
- as to where all the people are, though. - No idea. No idea.

#93
Didn't want to say anything. Didn't want to ruin the mood,

#94
but where are the people? I'm seeing a lot more dogs than people, right?

#95
There are a shit ton of dogs out here. I tell ya.

#96
- Where are their masters? - I don't think these dogs have masters.

#97
I think these dogs play by their own rules.

#98
Well, clearly, the action has shifted elsewhere.

#99
- Wanna go to the boardwalk? - Hey, let's go to the boardwalk!

#100
- Yes! - Yeah! Hey, Charlie!

#101
- Charlie! - Come here!

#102
Dude! Oh, my God! This place is amazing!

#103
- Right? - Yeah!

#104
All right! And the sunblock drink? Nice, guys.

#105
- They're really good. They're really good. - Yeah.

#106
Thing is, I didn't make you one.

#107
Oh!

#108
Ah, Jesus Christ, Charlie. You're drinking sunblock.

#109
Oh, it's good. It gets you-- it gets you all...

#110
Yeah, you're ingesting viscous chemicals, and they're getting you high.

#111
- It doesn't matter. - It doesn't matter. Doesn't matter.

#112
Okay, we're going to the boardwalk. What do you say?

#113
Oh, really?

#114
- You wanna leave? - Yeah.

#115
I feel like we're just scratching the surface of all the cool shit out here.

#116
What cool shit?

#117
Well, the sea specimens, the stray dogs,

#118
the trash that floated over from Europe.

#119
Yeah, but we didn't come here to play with stray dogs and trash, man.

#120
We came here to soak up the culture.

#121
And the boardwalk is the cultural center

#122
of the Jersey Shore, so let's go there. Come on, man!

#123
- Yeah, all right. - Going to the boardwalk.

#124
Yo, Mac.

#125
You see that sign there that says "toxic spill?"

#126
- Yeah. - What's that?

#127
Disregard that, Frank. It's a bunch of liberal bullshit.

#128
- Right. Right. This is a nice spot. - Yeah, yeah.

#129
Whoa! What's that? You were supposed to get booze.

#130
Oh, this is ham soaked in rum.

#131
It is loaded with booze.

#132
Goddamn it, Frank, eating your drinks?

#133
- That is genius! - Ow!

#134
- What? - What the...

#135
What the-- what is that?

#136
- Oh, yeah. - I got stuck with a needle.

#137
Yeah, that's a syringe. Be careful. They are everywhere.

#138
The beach is full of syringes. Why is that?

#139
Well, we're in the steroid capital of the world, Frank.

#140
To be honest with you, as a man who works very hard

#141
to maintain a certain level of physical excellence, I find shortcuts insulting.

#142
Now give me a piece of ham now.

#143
Hey, check that out.

#144
What?

#145
- What the hell's a dog doing here? - Hey, hey, get out of here!

#146
- Get out of here! - Get out of here!

#147
Goddamn dogs. I'm telling you, dude.

#148
They were lurking before, and now they're swarming.

#149
I'm not sharing my ham with no dogs.

#150
I got a great idea.

#151
Hey, warm sun, cool ocean breezes,

#152
getting ripshit on ham.

#153
Might you say we're getting "hammered?"

#154
Oh! Nice one.

#155
This was a great idea, Frank. Great idea.

#156
This is 90-proof ham.

#157
Screw you, mutts!

#158
Get out of here, you bitch! Come and get it.

#159
Stupid dogs. We outsmarted those dogs, Frank.

#160
- Dude, this is the boardwalk, man. - Yeah.

#161
- Yeah! - This is amazing.

#162
Yeah. But it's a little bit more desolate than I was hoping it would be.

#163
Yeah, but that's okay. It's still really great.

#164
Oh. Charlie, there's all kinds of rides and games

#165
and opportunities to win stuffed toys.

#166
Yeah, man, the boardwalk is a blast, man.

#167
But it is under the boardwalk where the action really happens.

#168
- Trust me, pal. - Oh, yeah?

#169
- Yeah. - Oh, what's down there?

#170
Oh, Charlie, come on.

#171
So, under the boardwalk's where it's at, huh?

#172
- Oh, yeah, man. - Charlie, this is going to knock

#173
your socks off. You never know who you're gonna run into,

#174
what they're gonna be doing. You love the bridge, right?

#175
- Yeah. - This is a lot like being under the bridge

#176
- I would think. - It's way better than that.

#177
- Yeah? - Under the boardwalk

#178
is a magical place, man. I have a special place in my heart

#179
- 'cause I had my first kiss down here. - Mmm-hmm.

#180
Did you? Dude, all kinds of romantic shit happens...

#181
Oh, God! Oh, God!

#182
Oh, no! No! No!

#183
- No! - No! No! What was that?

#184
- Two homeless guys banging each other. - I saw.

#185
But why? That's not magical. That's not romantic.

#186
- That's your idea of romantic? No! - There are other kinds of romances

#187
- that happen under here. - I don't wanna see anything else like that

#188
You know what? I'm out of here. 'Cause you guys are perverted.

#189
- You get out of here. - Yeah. You get out of here.

#190
- You get out of here, Charlie. - Son of a bitch.

#191
Aw!

#192
Where's the beach?

#193
- Frank, wake up! - What?

#194
- What's the matter? - Where's the beach?

#195
Uh, uh, I don't know.

#196
We're in the middle of the goddamn ocean!

#197
Yes, we are.

#198
- What are we gonna do? - Well, we're going to conk out for a while

#199
and let the current gently roll us back to shore.

#200
Frank, the current is what brought us out here in the first place.

#201
If anything, we should be paddling against it to get back to the beach.

#202
I'm gonna pretend like I didn't hear that.

#203
Frank, Frank, we are no longer in relaxing mode.

#204
- We are now in survival mode. - Will you stop being so dramatic?

#205
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

#206
Where's the rum ham?

#207
- Wha... - Where's the rum...

#208
Ah!

#209
Rum ham!

#210
- No, Frank. Stay in the boat. - Rum ham!

#211
- Frank, stay in the boat! - Oh, rum ham!

#212
I'm sorry, rum ham!

#213
I'm sorry, rum ham!

#214
Oh, rum ham.

#215
Yeah, this is gonna be great, right?

#216
- Of course it is. - Nothing like some good, innocent,

#217
wholesome, above-the-boardwalk fun

#218
- to, uh, get us back on track. - Yes.

#219
Yes. Take a step back from the situation, get a clearer perspective.

#220
Yeah, and then we'll plummet 20 stories and the rush will propel us forward

#221
- into an awesome evening. - Yeah.

#222
And hopefully cleanse us of the horrifying events that we've just witnessed.

#223
These beads are really digging into my back.

#224
Wind--I don't know--

#225
I don't know if we should have come back here.

#226
I think we made a mistake, because we have so many memories.

#227
Oh, no. Is my hair stuck?

#228
- Yeah. - It feels like it's--yeah?

#229
- Oh, yeah. - Well, get it.

#230
- No. - Get it out, because we're about to drop--

#231
- get it! Stick your hand... - You think I'm going to stick my fingers

#232
- into the machinery? - Hey! Hey, you down there!

#233
Do not make it go, because my hair is stuck,

#234
and something terrible will happen!

#235
- Oh, that's really in there. - Oh, you idiot, stop the ride!

#236
Don't fall!

#237
Don't make it fall!

#238
Ow!

#239
Hey.

#240
- How you holding up, sis? - Uh, not well, Dennis. Not well.

#241
Do you have any idea how horrifying it was

#242
to ride that back up to get my hair?

#243
Yeah, well, be thankful you got it back.

#244
I just wanna get my scalp sewn back on and get the hell out of this miserable town.

#245
I'm starting to wonder what the hell we ever saw in this place,

#246
you know what I mean?

#247
I mean, look at this girl. What's her story?

#248
She's got a decent bone structure.

#249
She was probably very pretty when she was young.

#250
- Yeah. - Probably spent her summers here,

#251
lounging on the beach and scooping ice cream.

#252
Mmm, but she didn't want her summers to end,

#253
so she got herself a fake I.D. and a push-up bra,

#254
- and started hanging out at the local bars - Right.

#255
Developed a nasty coke habit,

#256
- cause she loved the way it made her feel. - Mmm-hmm.

#257
But then extreme highs gave way to extreme lows

#258
and she fell into a depression.

#259
- Had herself a kid. - Mmm.

#260
Thought it would give her a sense of purpose.

#261
And it did, for a while, till she started using again.

#262
- Mmm-hmm. - And then social services

#263
came knocking at the door, and now the kid lives upstate

#264
with his grandparents, 'cause she can't take care of this kid.

#265
- No. - And here she is, festering away

#266
in a one-bedroom apartment, waiting for the H.I.V.

#267
- to turn into AIDS... - Ugh!

#268
...and wondering what the hell...

#269
You know I can hear you, right?

#270
Oh, sorry. We were just using you as a metaphor, though.

#271
- Yeah. - We didn't mean

#272
anything personal.

#273
Don't sweat it. You're not that far off.

#274
Hey.

#275
Hey, baby.

#276
- Jesus, are you seeing this? - Mmm-hmm.

#277
God, even the doctors in this town are drug dealers.

#278
Oh, hey. What are you doing?

#279
Who are you? Where did you come from? Get out of here! Drop it!

#280
No. Goddamn it! Goddamn you!

#281
I hate this town, Dennis!

#282
- I hate this town! - Okay, okay, all right.

#283
Well, calm down. It's understandable.

#284
- You are missing a piece of your scalp. - Yeah.

#285
Sounds like you two could use a break.

#286
Wanna come party with me and my friends?

#287
- Yeah. Yes. - Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

#288
- I'm so thirsty. - Well, gargle some more water, bitch.

#289
- I've been gargling. - Well, don't snap at me.

#290
Well, quit acting so bossy.

#291
Okay, you know what? We can't fight, all right?

#292
We're both very cranky. We haven't eaten in a very long time.

#293
I'm starving.

#294
Okay, all right, look, maybe I'll dive down there.

#295
I'll spear a tuna. I'll wrestle him on board and we'll feast.

#296
- Boom! Let's eat. - All right.

#297
Give me the knife.

#298
- I can't give you the knife. - What? Why not?

#299
'Cause there may come a time when difficult decisions must be made,

#300
and I'd rather be the one with the knife.

#301
What difficult decisions? What are you talking about?

#302
You know, like things you do to stay alive.

#303
Are you talking about killing and eating me, Frank?

#304
All I'm saying is that when you go into survival mode,

#305
it's every man for himself.

#306
You seem like you're in survival mode right now.

#307
Maybe I am. Maybe I ain't, rum ham.

#308
Did you just call me rum ham?

#309
Frank, Frank, we cannot be talking

#310
about killing and eating each other already, okay?

#311
- Tell that to the rum ham. - Stop talking about the goddamn rum ham!

#312
- It should have been you! - No! Oh!

#313
- It should have been you! - Jesus! Oh, no!

#314
Oh, no.

#315
- Uh-oh. Oh... - You see what you've done?

#316
You've murdered us both, you son of a bitch!

#317
Oh, shit! What's that?

#318
- It's a boat! - It's a boat!

#319
We're saved!

#320
Hey, is that an Italian flag?

#321
Oh, it's the guidos!

#322
- Guidos! - Hey!

#323
- We're here! - Over here!

#324
- Oh! - Ah!

#325
Oh!

#326
- Way! - Charlie?

#327
Hey!

#328
Oh, my God. What are you doing down here?

#329
Did you follow me all the way to the Jersey Shore?

#330
No. No, I swear.

#331
I'm just down here with-- but that's cool.

#332
Can you believe we're-- that's like destiny!

#333
What-- what's in your hand?

#334
Something stupid I found. No big deal.

#335
Can I see it?

#336
Yeah.

#337
Wow.

#338
That's really beautiful.

#339
I'll tell you what. I mean...

#340
I think that's a pretty rare one,

#341
but you can keep it if you want.

#342
Thanks, Charlie.

#343
Sure.

#344
So, you gonna insult me and walk away, or what's going on here?

#345
No. I, um--I don't-- I don't know, you know.

#346
I love the beach so much, and it's so beautiful.

#347
I could probably just hang out here for a little while.

#348
Cool.

#349
Just don't go under the boardwalk.

#350
Okay.

#351
Guys, this is Dennis and Dee. I told them they could roll with us tonight.

#352
Yeah. Uh, hi.

#353
Oh, we're, uh, looking forward to partying with you all tonight.

#354
- Does Bobby know about this? - Don't worry. They're cool.

#355
Yeah. So, uh, what are we getting into tonight, you guys?

#356
Yeah!

#357
Just waiting for Bobby.

#358
Then we're gonna hit the liquor store.

#359
All right, cool. Yeah, well, you can't have a party without liquor.

#360
- That's right. - So, yeah. Let's hit the liquor store.

#361
Who the hell are these two?

#362
Well, you're Bobby, I guess.

#363
Uh, we are just new acquaintances

#364
of your friend Stephanie over here.

#365
Harmless people.

#366
You guys cool?

#367
- Yeah. - Well, I hate to toot my own horn,

#368
but I am pretty cool, Bobby.

#369
- Hit that. - Yeah.

#370
And I can tell by the way you're staring at me

#371
that you're wondering if I'm cool too.

#372
I'm just going to go ahead and nip that in the bud right now, so...

#373
Ooh.

#374
- Ooh. - Oh, shit.

#375
- That does not taste like weed. - It burns a lot.

#376
It's angel dust.

#377
Angel...

#378
- Dust. - Embrace the night.

#379
What's over there?

#380
...my mind off of you

#381
Back here at home there's nothin' to do

#382
Beer! Beer! Beer! Beer! Beer!

#383
- Are you guys ready to get it? - Let's get some beer!

#384
- Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! - No!

#385
Yeah!

#386
- Wha--wha... - What's happening? What's happening?

#387
Vacation, all I ever wanted

#388
Vacation, had to get away

#389
Vacation, meant to be spent alone

#390
Hi.

#391
Drive! Drive now! You, drive!

#392
Drive! Drive! Drive!

#393
Thanks, man. Thanks, bro.

#394
Hurry up. Hurry up!

#395
Hurry up!

#396
- Oh, my God! - Stop crying!

#397
Pick him up! Pick him up!

#398
Go, get him!

#399
Vacation, all I ever wanted

#400
Vacation, had to get away

#401
Rum ham!

#402
Vacation, meant to be spent alone

#403
Vacation, all I ever wanted

#404
Vacation, had to get away

#405
Dig! Come on! Dig! Dig! Hurry up!

#406
Dig! Shut up! Shut up and dig!

#407
Come on, dig!

#408
Shoot 'em!

#409
Vacation, had to get away

#410
Vacation, meant to be spent alone

#411
Vacation, all I ever wanted

#412
Vacation, had to get away

#413
Vacation, meant to be spent alone

#414
Oh, my God! Charlie!

#415
Hey. What a night.

#416
What the...

#417
Did you rape me last night?

#418
What? No!

#419
- Gross. No! - Then...

#420
Okay, why am I waking up next to you on a deserted beach?

#421
'Cause we fell asleep here last night. What's going on with you?

#422
Oh, my God. I was--

#423
I was on ecstasy last night, Charlie.

#424
You have to tell me everything that happened.

#425
Oh!

#426
Boy, you're really off the wagon, huh?

#427
- Drinking, drugs... - Oh, my God.

#428
Well, it was a cool night. I mean, we laughed.

#429
We collected sea specimens.

#430
We drank some ocean. You got a little sick from drinking the ocean.

#431
- I loved it, though. - That sounds really weird and gross.

#432
Oh, really?

#433
Well, I suppose now you think this is weird and gross.

#434
Oh, my God, Charlie! Come on!

#435
- What? - Ugh!

#436
Well, hang on a second. Where are you going?

#437
Uh, let's see.

#438
Last night I lived out one of my actual nightmares,

#439
so I'm gonna go and take a shower.

#440
Well, hang on-- hang on a second.

#441
I suppose you want this back.

#442
What is that?

#443
That's a jewel you gave me. You said you wanted me to have it.

#444
Charlie, that's a piece of a broken glass bottle.

#445
All right. Well, maybe I'll see you Friday or something.

#446
No! No!

#447
Okay.

#448
Hmm.

#449
I guess that's just summer love.

#450
Crazy.

#451
Bro, our night was way more amazing. And it actually happened.

#452
What do you mean, it actually happened? Why do you keep saying that?

#453
You don't think I spent the night with the waitress?

#454
- No! - Then where'd I get this, dude?

#455
- Where'd I get that? - I assume you got it out of the trash,

#456
or dug it out of a storm drain somewhere.

#457
cannot believe you're not...

#458
Here they come.

#459
Okay. All right.

#460
- Everyone, get in the car! - Let's go! Let's go!

#461
- Let's go! Come on, come on! - Get in the car!

#462
Guys, you will not believe the night we had.

#463
I don't care. There is no meaning to life anymore.

#464
It takes a classy man to admit when he was wrong. And I was wrong.

#465
- I love the Jersey Shore. - Oh, you love it?

#466
Oh, you love it so much here? Get in the goddamn car, you fat, fat ass!

#467
- Fat, fat ass! - We hung out with these Jersey dudes.

#468
- They're the shits. - Aw, man, they talk awesome.

#469
I don't know why these guys get such a bad rap.

#470
- Yeah. - They're pretty cool.

#471
Let me tell you something, Mac.

#472
There are far worse people at the Jersey Shore

#473
than the cast of the Jersey Shore.

#474
It's a horrible town. It's a horrible town filled with horrible people.

#475
I don't know about that. I think it's a magical town.

#476
Hell, yeah.

#477
Beautiful, magical town.

#478
Oh, when the sun beats down

#479
And burns the tar up on the roof

#480
And your shoes get so hot

#481
You wish your tired feet were fireproof

#482
Under the boardwalk

#483
Down by the sea, yeah

#484
On a blanket with my baby

#485
Is where I'll be

#486
Under the boardwalk...

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