Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S01E01 — The Gang Gets Racist

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 1, Episode 1 — The Gang Gets Racist

#1
DENNIS: Another big night fellas, $164.87.

#2
MAC: That's not a lot of money. DENNIS: No, it isn't.

#3
- Our mortgage is due in two weeks. - No, we paid that a week ago.

#4
A week ago was three weeks late, Mac.

#5
Hey, guys. So, I met this guy in my acting class.

#6
And he's really cool, and he wants to see where I work.

#7
So, could you guys try to not be weird?

#8
- What is that supposed to mean? - I love you guys very much,

#9
but sometimes you're not that cool.

#10
- We're cool! - Not cool?

#11
- Try to be cool. - Sometimes you're not too cool.

#12
- Charlie MAC: Always cool, man.

#13
- Hey, man, we're closed. - Yeah, I know.

#14
Whoa, whoa, whoa! We don't want any trouble.

#15
- What? - Guys, this is Terrell.

#16
From my acting class.

#17
- Yeah. Yeah. - Hey, man. How's it goin'?

#18
- It's going good. How you doin'? - Good, man. We're just chillin'.

#19
- Great. Just closing up shop. - Yeah.

#20
(mutters) Whoa.

#21
Guess you guys don't have too many brothers walking through here.

#22
- Oh, no, no. - We got plenty of brothers.

#23
- Yeah. African-Americans. - Okay. Yeah, we get it.

#24
Yeah, I know some of them.

#25
Yeah. We're probably related.

#26
No.

#27
I don't think he was implying that you guys are all related.

#28
- That's ridiculous. - Sweet Dee came in here

#29
just a second ago and she started talking about acting class.

#30
We weren't expecting you.

#31
We weren't expecting you to be black, that's all.

#32
Right.

#33
Thanks, guys.

#34
When I'm promotin', everybody and their mama gonna be there.

#35
There's gonna be brothers, white boys, latinos, whatever.

#36
You got niggas hanging from the rafters.

#37
So we got 400-plus packed into this tiny little place.

#38
Whoa. You had 400 people packed into a place?

#39
You damn right, I got 400. That's my job, man.

#40
And it's mostly college kids.

#41
You know, my sister goes to temple, so I got the hookup over there.

#42
And hookups are good? But, just to be clear,

#43
when you say your sister, do you mean your sister or your friend?

#44
- Dude. - Oh, Jesus.

#45
- I mean my sister. - Oh. Okay. Cool.

#46
I was just, because he could mean his friend or his sister.

#47
Stop talking.

#48
So, we're packed into this little bitty place up on Walnut, right?

#49
We're halfway through the night, everything's goin' all right.

#50
All of a sudden, I notice this dude eyeballin' me from across the bar.

#51
- Shit. - Right? And I don't know

#52
f this dude wants to freak me or fight me. You know what I'm saying?

#53
- He's giving you crazy eyes. - The insane, crazy eyes. Right?

#54
- I know that. - So I walk over,

#55
he's this big, cut Mexican dude

#57
"unless you want to get yo' ass torn apart

#58
"you'd better get that look off your face."

#59
No!

#60
You just walked right up to him and said that?

#61
I had to, man. You gotta make the first move.

#62
- Always make the first move. - I know.

#63
- So badass. - So what happened?

#64
Well, hey, he won't stop starin' me down.

#65
We're like eyeball to eyeball. His grill is right up in mine.

#66
It feels like an eternity, son, right?

#67
- Finally... - He opens up his mouth and says,

#68
"I guess you gon' have to tear my ass apart, homes."

#69
Man, so what'd you do?

#70
Took him to the back alley, and I tore his ass apart!

#71
- Oh, my God! - That's insane!

#72
(chattering continues)

#73
Okay, I would like to do things like that.

#74
MAC: I love that guy. "I took him to the back alley."

#75
Who does shit like that? It's like a movie.

#76
Calm down, don't get too excited, all right?

#77
There's something a little off about him.

#78
Oh, bro, that's racist.

#79
No, asshole, that's not what I meant.

#80
I'll go get the coffee. What do you guys want?

#81
Dude, sit down. Okay? Wait till the waitress comes out here,

#82
and then you can stare at her. - I wasn't gonna stare at her.

#83
- I was just gonna. - He wasn't gonna stare at her.

#84
Dude, you're totally obsessed with that chick.

#85
I'm not obsessed. I like her. Okay?

#86
I have a little bit of a crush, yes. But obsessed?

#87
That's a bit of a harsh word.

#88
- Dude, it's never gonna happen. - Guys, listen.

#89
Honestly, I think we should think about hiring Terrell.

#90
- Why? For what? - You heard him.

#91
When he's promotin', everybody named Mama's looking to get in.

#92
That's true. They do have, uh, "Niggers hanging from rafters."

#93
- Wow. Nice. - No, that's not what I was saying.

#94
- Coffee? - Yeah.

#95
- Hitler? - No, I'm not Adolf Hitler.

#96
I'll make sure to put lots of cream in yours.

#97
- I was quoting a black friend. - Okay.

#98
(exhales)

#99
Well, great. Well, that's just great. Now she thinks I'm racist.

#100
Dude, will you just drop it?

#101
Listen, if Terrell delivers half of what he promises,

#102
we're looking at 200 people. - Yeah, that's true.

#103
It'd be nice to get some chicks in the bar.

#104
All right, let's do it.

#105
- Sure about this? - It's 2005, Charlie.

#106
Isn't it ridiculous that you have no friends outside of your own race?

#107
No, what is ridiculous is this stupid plan.

#108
- It's not stupid! - It's a stupid plan.

#109
It's not, this is a college campus, all right?

#110
This is a great place to meet people of different cultures, diversify.

#111
You're just trying to make black... Mmm-hmm.

#112
You're trying to make black friends?

#113
You're not making it easy.

#114
You're trying to impress Terrell with a couple of black friends.

#115
Don't do this right now. Don't do this right now.

#116
(hip-hop music playing) (laughing)

#117
Okay. See? This is exactly what I'm talking about.

#118
- This is perfect. - Huh. Yeah.

#119
- I'm gonna break the ice. - Go for it.

#120
'Bout to bust that shit up, Reese.

#121
- 'Bout to bust that shit up, boy! - Absolutely.

#122
- That didn't go exactly the way... - No.

#123
- No. It was really, really awkward. - Really awkward.

#124
- Maybe we should go. - Yeah!

#125
- Hey, what's your name? - Oh. It's, uh, Charlie.

#126
- Do you play bones, Charlie? - I dabble.

#127
Do you want to play? I could get you a game.

#128
Uh, no, I shouldn't. I'm not very good, so...

#129
- I bet you're really good. - Well, it's been a long time.

#130
- Oh, come on. - All right. Maybe just one game.

#131
Domino, bitch! (all laughing)

#132
This is bullshit. Absolute bullshit.

#133
Why do these people like you more than they like me?

#134
Whoa. Maybe it's comments like that.

#135
I meant those people in there, not all black people.

#136
What am I supposed to say in that situation?

#137
You should say something different. Figure something else out.

#138
- Hey. - Hey.

#139
- Um, I'm Janell. - Oh, hi.

#140
Uh, you got some moves out there, Charlie.

#141
- Thanks. You know. - I wanted to give you this.

#142
- Oh. Okay. - You know?

#143
Give me a call sometime.

#144
- All right? - Yeah. See ya.

#145
Well you... Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

#146
- What are you doing, dude? - What?

#147
That girl's gorgeous.

#148
She's the perfect opportunity to prove that we're not racist.

#149
- She probably has friends for me. - Well, come on,

#150
f anything, I think we should be focused on black men, first of all.

#151
What?

#152
We don't really need... We need black guys, so.

#153
Black guys? What the hell are you talking about?

#154
You know.

#155
Is this about that waitress at the coffee shop, dude?

#156
Oh, my God! Dude, you are obsessed with this chick.

#157
No, I'm not.

#158
- Let me see your wallet. - Why?

#159
Are you still carrying a picture of her in your wallet?

#160
No.

#161
- Give it to me. Give it. - Oh, my God! Stop making a scene!

#162
Just give me the wallet! Give me the wallet!

#163
I can't get the goddamn...

#164
It's okay! It's okay, everybody!

#165
- You're making a scene. - You're making a scene!

#166
I got it. Okay, okay, okay, okay. Hold on a second.

#167
- Ha! Ha-ha! Ha! - Give it to me!

#168
- He had it! - Okay! You found it!

#169
You know what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna tear it up!

#170
No, don't!

#171
Fine, just give me it. I'll call her. I'll call the black girl, okay?

#172
Okay, buddy. We're cool. We're cool.

#173
We're good. Thanks, guys. See ya.

#174
I had the craziest dream last night that I was in Cleveland, Ohio,

#175
which is really weird, because I've never even been to Ohio.

#176
This guy was wearing a bunny suit,

#177
and he was coming out... - You know what, Dee?

#178
I don't wanna hear about your dreams. Okay?

#179
I hate listening to people's dreams.

#180
It's like flipping through a stack of photographs.

#181
If I'm not in any of 'em and nobody's having sex,

#182
I just... I don't care.

#183
Oh. I'm sorry. I would listen to your dreams.

#184
- You're my brother and I love you. - I'm sorry. I am.

#185
- Hey! What's goin' on, guys? DENNIS: Terrell.

#186
- How are you? - Hey! What's up? What's up?

#187
How you doin'? Dennis! What's goin' on?

#188
- All right, man. - How's it goin', man?

#189
Good, man.

#190
Listen, um, you mind stepping outside with me for a second, man?

#191
- Yeah, I'll come outside. - Yeah?

#192
- Yeah. Okay. - All right, man, come on.

#193
I'm gonna put these out on the tables.

#194
Rule number one. Always keep a line.

#195
Oh, my God! That is a lot of people! Wow!

#196
(disco music playing)

#197
This is crazy!

#198
I know! I told you! Terrell's the best!

#199
I know! I'm gonna have to start bartending full-time. Look at this!

#200
Why are you making more money than me?

#201
- I don't know! - Hey, this is crazy!

#202
I know. Terrell packed 'em in. Look at this.

#203
- This is crazy! - Yeah, we were just saying that.

#204
- Lot of dudes. - Yeah, there's a lot of dudes.

#205
Lot of dudes.

#206
What can I get you boys?

#207
Oh, uh, we wanted to wait for the cute one.

#208
What cute one?

#209
Mac, isn't that your cousin Brett by the jukebox?

#210
- Oh, yeah! - Let's go say hey.

#211
- Yo, Brettie boy! - Hey, cuz!

#212
- How you doin'? - What's up, Brett?

#213
- Can you believe this crowd? - Oh, it's something else!

#214
Yeah!

#215
Gentlemen, I understand my services have been requested.

#216
I actually got a couple of services I'd like to request.

#217
Whoa! Uh, what are you doin, man? I'm not...

#218
- You have the most beautiful eyes. - Okay, man, but I'm... Really?

#219
So blue.

#220
Really more of a blue-green, actually, but...

#221
- I'm really proud of you, man. - Yeah, thanks.

#222
- You've come a long way. - What do you mean?

#223
You guys are running the hottest gay bar in Philadelphia.

#224
(disco music continues)

#225
(knock on door)

#226
(grunting)

#227
No! What in the hell is your problem?

#228
How could you not tell me you were gay?

#229
I'm a musical theater actor living in Philadelphia.

#230
I didn't think it was that big a secret.

#231
I've been coming on to you for, like, weeks now.

#232
- I thought you were into gay dudes. - I am not into gay dudes!

#233
- Apparently you are. - Okay, well, you know what?

#234
The guys hired you to promote their bar,

#235
and you turned it into a gay bar. They are not happy.

#236
(laughing)

#237
- So much money! - Whoo!

#238
Oh! So much money! We made more money in one night...

#239
Than in the entire time that we've owned this place!

#240
This is great. We have to embrace the situation.

#241
We should totally embrace the situation!

#242
- We're a gay bar from now on. - Absolutely, man!

#243
No goddamn way. Have you guys seen this?

#244
"Looking for that new hot spot to spot that stud?

#245
"Well, Paddy's Irish Pub has plugged that hole."

#246
- That's a nice notice. - No, it's not a nice notice.

#247
I don't want to be plugging anybody's holes.

#248
- I'm gonna have to agree with Mac. - Of course you are.

#249
I made $300 last night. How much did you make?

#250
First of all, that's rude.

#251
And that has nothing to do with what I'm talking about.

#252
- It has everything to do with it. - It is what you're talking...

#253
Listen, I don't think we have much of a choice. We need to do this.

#254
If you guys remember, one of the major reasons

#255
we got this bar in the first place was to get laid.

#256
Maybe you did it to get laid.

#257
I got a little something I like to call "business ethics".

#258
Business ethics? Charlie, the only reason you don't care

#259
s because you have black girls hanging all over you for no reason.

#260
Okay, you know what? Chill out. You're gonna screw it up.

#261
Screw it up? I happen to have a date with a nice young lady today.

#262
Ouch. Look, you guys, it's a purely fiscal decision.

#263
Bullshit. You don't care about the money. You just like the attention.

#264
What the hell is that supposed to mean?

#265
"Everybody look at me!" You know exactly what I mean, pretty boy.

#266
- Hey, handsome. - Hey, beautiful.

#267
- Hey, sexy. - Hey, hoss.

#268
I just get along really well with those guys.

#269
- They're vibing. - No, you're leading them on.

#270
- You're not gay, you're just vain. - Okay, time out.

#271
Here's what we should do. Let's take a vote. All right?

#272
DEE: Fine. MAC: Okay.

#273
All those in favor of Paddy's Pub remaining a gay bar, say "aye".

#274
- Aye. - Aye. Opposed?

#275
Keeping in mind that you don't get a vote.

#276
DEE: Why? - Because you're the bartender.

#277
- You're not one of the owners. - No, Sweet Dee gets a vote.

#278
- No, she doesn't! - Of course I get a vote!

#279
(arguing indistinctly)

#280
All owners opposed, say "nay".

#281
All owners, people who own the bar who are opposed, say "nay".

#282
All people who own the bar who are opposed say "nay".

#283
- Nay. - Two against one! Oh, well.

#284
Paddy's Irish Pub will henceforth remain the hottest gay bar

#285
n Philadelphia.

#286
Hey, hey! What's going on?

#287
- Look at you! You look good! - Oh, thank you. That's so sweet.

#288
- So, where we going? - I thought we'd go grab a drink.

#289
- Oh, I want one so bad. - All righty!

#290
Oh, a coffee shop. I thought you meant, like, a drink at a bar.

#291
Yeah, absolutely. Uh, here, why don't you have a seat here.

#292
I'll go up and get the coffee. What would you like?

#293
- I don't really drink coffee. - Totally.

#294
What do you want, Charlie?

#295
"What do you want, Charlie?" Um, well,

#296
I'd like you to take a look at the young African-American woman

#297
sitting at the table over there.

#298
- Okay. - That woman is my friend.

#299
Wow. Good for you.

#300
So, the other day when you heard me saying something about

#301
certain people hanging from rafters, I was quoting a friend of mine...

#302
What are you trying to say? Spit it out.

#303
Well, maybe now that you know that I'm not racist,

#304
you and I could go on a little... - Dude, N-O.

#305
How many times do I have to say it to you?

#306
- One time is fine. - Apparently one time is not fine.

#307
- One time per time I ask you. - Hey, what's going on up here?

#308
Oh, not too much. Charlie's using you to prove that he's not racist

#309
and then he asked me out on a date.

#310
Charlie, is this true?

#311
Would that upset you if it was something that was true?

#312
(disco music playing)

#313
Charlie, I think you need to see a doctor. This thing looks really bad.

#314
- I did! - What'd he say?

#315
He said that Janell punched me in my eye!

#316
All right, well, you need to keep that eye...

#317
- Wait. Her name's Janell? - Yeah.

#318
Janell Jenkins. She's got a hell of a right hand.

#319
She also said that if she ever saw me again,

#320
she was going to slit my throat. - Are you two seeing this?

#321
Boys are out tonight, huh?

#322
This is unbelievable. What the hell is going on here?

#323
You got black women crawling all over you

#324
and this Mary over here is the belle of the ball.

#325
Why do these people like you guys so much?

#326
Well, dude, it's not that they like us.

#327
It's that they don't like you. You know why?

#328
Uh, because you're an asshole!

#329
- Is that true? - Yeah, kind of.

#330
Hey, listen, can I talk to you in the back for a second?

#331
- What's up? - You know that girl

#332
Charlie's talking about? That Janell? I know her.

#333
- Okay. So what? - I think I know how we can solve

#334
this whole gay mess.

#335
- Great. How? - First we gotta start with Dennis.

#336
Can you get him so drunk tonight? On tequila.

#337
But like a lot of it. Enough, that maybe he might hurt himself.

#338
- Sure. No problem. - All right.

#339
Where are you going?

#340
I gotta talk to a couple of friends from my acting class.

#341
But seriously, blackout drunk.

#342
All right.

#343
Okay. So you did the lime first, and then the shot, right?

#344
No. No, no, no, no. Dude.

#345
- You take the salt. - Take the salt.

#346
- And then you take the shot. - Okay.

#347
- And then you suck on the lime. - Okay.

#348
Why don't you show me again. I'm getting a little bit confused.

#349
- You lick it. - Salt. Lick it.

#350
- And then you slam it. - Yeah?

#351
(burps)

#352
Oh, that's great. All right, so, I'm gonna do the shot first...

#353
No, no, no, no. Oh, please, please, dude.

#354
- You're not listening to me. - Well, I'm just not getting it.

#355
- You do the salt first. - The salt first.

#356
- And then the lime. - Show me again, because I'm not...

#357
The salt first. Then the lime.

#358
(alarm beeping) (whimpers)

#359
(groans)

#360
Oh, God. (groans)

#361
Hello.

#362
Mmm.

#363
(sighs) Nice.

#364
(sighs) Beautiful.

#365
(moaning) Hello, lover.

#366
(screams) Whoa! What the hell!

#367
What is going on here?

#368
Relax, stud. You got nothing to be ashamed about.

#369
What the fu... What does that mean?

#370
- Did we have? - No. No. Don't be silly.

#371
It was all hands.

#372
How's that ass feelin'?

#373
CHARLIE: I'm really glad you decided to embrace this.

#374
- You're doing the right thing. - I think so, too, dude.

#375
I feel really good about broadening my horizons.

#376
It's gonna be fun. It's a good business decision.

#377
I don't want to own a gay bar anymore.

#378
- What, dude? - Oh, no. What happened?

#379
Just, uh I was doing some thinking and, you know,

#380
I think we had our little experiment. It was great.

#381
- But we should go back to normal. - Oh.

#382
You had an experiment, and you want

#383
to go back to the way it was before the experiment. Interesting.

#384
We had our experiment with the bar, and it was great.

#385
- Let's go back to normal. - You're done experimenting then?

#386
- Or are you gonna experiment more? - What is this experimenting?

#387
- Hey, Dennis! What's up? - Listen, I got you some new CDs.

#388
'Cause the music you had in the jukebox was a little bit stale.

#389
Also, first thing we gotta do is get rid of these shamrocks.

#390
'Cause nothing scares gays and black folks like Irish crap.

#391
Can we talk for a second, though, in private?

#392
Yeah. No problem.

#393
So, listen, Terrell, it's not really working out.

#394
We're gonna have to let you go.

#395
I don't understand. I thought you guys were happy.

#396
No, we were happy. But then Dennis had an experiment,

#397
and he wants to go back to normal.

#398
Yeah, we had that little experiment...

#399
- Why you keep saying it like that? - You guys are being ridiculous.

#400
Yeah, we're being ridiculous! We're making a lot of money here!

#401
- Yes! Thank you! - Look, everybody! Sweet Dee's here!

#402
- Hey, everybody! - Whoa! What are you doing here?

#403
- Charlie? - What is going on here?

#404
- You guys know each other? - Yeah! That's the crazy bitch

#405
that punched me in my eye! - Charlie! That's my sister.

#406
Now, just to clarify.

#407
- When you say "sister", you mean... - I mean my sister.

#408
Yes! Okay! This is great! Because earlier

#409
you were implying that I was racist because you thought

#410
that I was implying that all black people are related.

#411
And then it turns out that you people actually are!

#412
No, that's not what I meant. Hold on a second.

#413
- I meant that you two actually are. - Mac?

#414
Stop talkin'.

#415
$111, $112, $113, $114!

#416
On a Saturday night!

#417
- We're back to normal. - We are back to normal. Mmm.

#418
Dee, I gotta know. What exactly did you tell those guys

#419
from your acting class to do to Dennis?

#420
Oh, yeah, I know, I forgot to tell you. That didn't work out.

#421
- What? - I couldn't get a hold of them.

#422
Then why was he so freaked out?

#423
How's that ass feelin'?

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