Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S01E02 — Charlie Wants an Abortion

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 1, Episode 2 — Charlie Wants an Abortion

#1
DENNIS: No, dude. It's not, it's not a question

#2
of individual style. It's about having some taste.

#3
You're attacking my ability to express myself, dude.

#4
How am I attacking your ability to... I just don't get it.

#5
What's not to get? "Come to Philly for the crack".

#6
It has a picture of the Liberty Bell on it. It's funny and original.

#7
It's not fun... How is it funny and original?

#8
Every asshole on South Street is wearing a t-shirt

#9
with an ironic slogan on it.

#10
Well, excuse me if all my t-shirts

#11
don't have a little guy playing polo on the lapel.

#12
You cut the sleeves off of all your t-shirts.

#13
What, so you can show off your tats? Those are really original, dude.

#14
- They're tribal. - Oh, they're trib...

#15
I'm sorry. What tribe are you from? What? Is it an Indian tribe or?

#16
- Are you gonna let me in this game? - No. You're the ref.

#17
I don't want to ref anymore. I'd like to play, so...

#18
- You're an excellent ref, Charlie. - You're a very good ref.

#19
Yeah, I know. I'm a great ref. I'd like to play the game now.

#20
Are you gonna get mad? You gonna turn into the Mad Munchkin?

#21
Do you represent the Lollipop Guild, Charlie?

#22
- Do you? STACY: Hey, Charlie.

#23
#Are you the mad Munchkin

#24
# - He is the mad Munchkin - The little mad, mad Munchkin man #

#25
- Oh, okay. This is what we do? - I need to talk to you.

#26
# - I'm a little Munchkin man # - It's about our son!

#27
Nobody wants to hear that.

#28
DENNIS: So, wait, she's sayin' this is your son?

#29
MAC: I don't know. Sounds like a bunch of bullshit to me, Charlie.

#30
I know! I know. There's, like, no way that this is possible.

#31
Well, did you have sex with her?

#32
- Yeah. - Okay. Did you use birth control?

#33
Oh, Dee, we went to Catholic school, so...

#34
Okay. So you're allowed to have premarital sex

#35
but you're not allowed to use birth control?

#36
No. All right. You're twisting words here and, like, gettin' cute.

#37
When did she have this kid?

#38
It's been, like, 10 years since I've even seen her.

#39
- Ten years? - What does she want?

#40
Well, that's the weird thing. She doesn't want money

#41
or anything like that. She just wants me to meet him.

#42
- Are you gonna do it? - No.

#43
Well, dude, you gotta meet the kid. I mean, you gotta find out for sure.

#44
Yeah, I guess. It's just...

#45
I wish I could go back in time and do the right thing, you know?

#46
- Like be there for him? - No. Get her an abortion.

#47
So you're not allowed to use birth control,

#48
but abortions are no problem?

#49
Okay. So, now you're, like, a word genius,

#50
and everything I say, you twist it around and make me look dumb.

#51
Charlie's right, though.

#52
He should have at least had a say in the matter.

#53
Well, it's her body, and it's her decision.

#54
No, I'm sorry. It's not just her decision. The man should get a vote.

#55
- Well, ultimately it's her choice. - It is not just her choice.

#56
It's nobody's choice. It should be left up to God.

#57
Is he... Is that... Are you joking?

#58
No, it's not a joke! You remember Genesis, book two, verse three?

#59
"And he breathed into the nostrils of Adam

#60
"on the first day. And it was good."

#61
Right in his nostrils, huh? Sounds really uncomfortable.

#62
You're making an asshole out of yourself.

#63
Dude, you need to get a blood test, okay?

#64
I remember Stacy Corvelli. She was a slut.

#65
You're right. Uh, Mac, what's God's stance on blood tests?

#66
Hmm. I don't know. I'd have to check.

#67
(doorbell rings) All right, you feeling good?

#68
No. I feel nauseous. I think I'm gonna go.

#69
- I'm gonna run. - No, no, no. It's...

#70
- I should go. - Hi. Hey, Charlie.

#71
- Hi. - You brought your, uh...

#72
Dennis Reynolds. We didn't get a chance to talk before,

#73
but I remember you. Yeah.

#74
- You went to St. Giles? - I did. Yeah. With... Yeah.

#75
So you two are together now, or...

#76
- No. - No. No.

#77
- I'm just here for moral support. - We're not... That's not even...

#78
- I brought him along. - Yeah.

#79
STACY: All right. Come on in.

#80
I'm real glad you decided to do this, Charlie.

#81
Yeah. Well, uh, you know, it's the least I could do, so.

#82
Yeah. Sorry I don't have a lot of time. I gotta get to work.

#83
Uh, Tommy, come on in here, son!

#84
TOMMY (shouting): What do you want, Mom?

#85
He's a bit of a handful. Uh, Charlie and his friend are here.

#86
TOMMY: So goddamn what? - Tommy, come in here, please!

#87
- This is bullshit. - Whoa!

#88
STACY: Language, please. - Hey.

#89
Which one of you fags is supposed to be my dad?

#90
- Whoa, hello. Right off the bat... - Yeah.

#91
Tommy, be nice. Huh? This is Charlie.

#92
(scoffs) Are you serious? This is the guy?

#93
What's that supposed to mean, buddy?

#94
Well, I should be home around 8:00. Uh, what do you guys have planned?

#95
- Uh, I thought we'd go to the park. - Huh. That sounds nice.

#96
- Wanna go to the park, Tommy? - I don't care.

#97
Okay. That's great. Bye, sweetie. Have fun, boys.

#98
I'm not goin' to the park.

#99
No shit.

#100
(phones ringing)

#101
What is this place?

#102
This is a place where we're gonna go see a special friend of mine.

#103
Why?

#104
'Cause he's gonna help us figure something very important out.

#105
- It's gonna be good to know. - Why?

#106
Because I said so. No more questions, okay, buddy?

#107
- Why? - Stop saying "why".

#108
- Why? - Stop it. I don't like this game.

#109
- Why? - Is this a game?

#110
- Is this your game? - Why? Why?

#111
Hey, pretty boy.

#112
What you here for?

#113
My friend's gettin'...

#114
... a blood test. - Your boyfriend?

#115
No. He's not my... He's not my boyfriend.

#116
- He got AIDS? - I don't... I don't think so.

#117
- Do you? - No, I don't.

#118
I'll blow you for $10.

#119
(blows)

#120
Let me consult some of this free literature they got here

#121
regarding that proposition. Oh. You know what?

#122
According to this, that's not a good idea. So I'm gonna have to pass.

#123
But thanks. I appreciate it. Really nice of you.

#124
- He's playin' mind games, dude. - I wanna leave.

#125
- Hey, tough. - What are we doin' here?

#126
Don't answer. It's a trick question. He tries to get in your head.

#127
- It's a little game he plays. - No, let me answer the question.

#128
See, we're at a free clinic, Tommy.

#129
Charlie doesn't have health insurance. See this lady back here?

#130
Take a look. That's what you get if you don't have health insurance.

#131
- I wanna go to the mall! - Keep your voice down.

#132
- I wanna go to the mall! - Keep your voice down.

#133
- I wanna go to the mall! - Stop yelling.

#134
- I wanna go to the... - Stop your yelling.

#135
We need to... Ow! He's biting my hand!

#136
- He's biting my hand! - Come on. Let's go. Let's go.

#137
(phone ringing) Sacred Right. It's a child, not a choice. Mmm-hmm.

#138
All righty. I'll make sure he gets the message. Thank you.

#139
- Hi. - Hi.

#140
So, I was having an argument with some friends the other day.

#141
And I was wondering if you could help me out with some information.

#142
Are you interested in joining our cause?

#143
No, I'm looking for some info on the Bible, Jesus, that kind of thing.

#144
Well, if you join our mailing list, the Reverend...

#145
Okay, listen to me. I don't really wanna join your little freak show.

#146
Just looking for some information.

#147
So if you could point me in the right direction, that'd be great.

#148
- We have some literature... - Great. Thank you. Thanks.

#149
...on the display back by the water cooler.

#150
Oh, Mama.

#151
- Hey, there. - Hi.

#152
Oh, are you here to sign up for the rally?

#153
Yes, I am. Yeah, real excited about the rally.

#154
- We're gonna kick ass this time. - I'm ready to kick somebody's ass.

#155
I'll tell you what. I hate those bastards.

#156
Wow! That's...

#157
- Uh, hate's a very strong word. - Yeah.

#158
Yeah, well, let me tell you something, Megan.

#159
I hate dead baby fetuses, you know?

#160
I hate them because they're dead, and they shouldn't be.

#161
They should be alive, and they should be loved.

#162
Oh! Wow! You just... You seem really passionate.

#163
Yeah. More than you know.

#164
- Nice kid, Charlie. - What the hell

#165
do you think is wrong with that kid?

#166
You've gotta get that blood test, dude.

#167
- Die! Die! Die! - No! Hey! Whoa, Tommy! No!

#168
No! No! No! Give me the stick!

#169
Come on! This place sucks! I wanna go to the mall!

#170
We can't go to the mall, all right? Shut up! I'm the boss of you!

#171
- You're not the boss of me! - I am the boss!

#172
I wanna go to the mall!

#173
- I'll show you who's the boss. - Let's go to the mall!

#174
- You wanna go to the mall? - I wanna go to the mall!

#175
You could ask nice. Dennis, let's go. We're goin' to the mall.

#176
I'm not spending anymore time with that kid.

#177
Come on, dude! Fine. Great. Dee, Dee.

#178
Will you just... Can we go to the mall? Will you drive me?

#179
- If Dennis watches the bar. - That's fine.

#180
Great. Fine. Thank you. (screams)

#181
- You're ugly. - You're ugly.

#182
- You're ugly! - You are the one that's ugly!

#183
Charlie! Jesus Christ! Are you almost 30?

#184
- Are you almost 30 years old? - Yes!

#185
- You have to buy me a toy! - I don't have to buy you shit.

#186
If you don't buy me anything I'm gonna tell my mom

#187
you took me to a black people's hospital.

#188
Wow! Oh my God, that's racist. What do you say to that?

#189
- I don't say anything. - You still have to buy me a toy!

#190
(mocking)

#191
Charlie, what in the hell are you gonna do if this kid's yours?

#192
Oh, I don't know. I'll probably, uh, kill myself.

#193
Whoa! Isn't that your waitress from the coffee shop?

#194
- Oh, my God. - Go talk to her.

#195
- What? No. - Come on. Go talk to her.

#196
No, dude.

#197
You've been in love with this girl forever.

#198
I know that.

#199
You know what? Come with me and pretend that you're my girlfriend.

#200
- No. I won't do that. No, it's not. - Come on. It's gonna work.

#201
- Come stand next to me then. - Why?

#202
- So she doesn't think I'm creepy. - Well, you are creepy.

#203
I realize this. That's why I need you.

#204
- All right. Let's go. - Thank you.

#205
Stop sweating.

#206
Then we can grab him if you like him, okay?

#207
- Hey. Fancy seeing you here. - Oh. Hello, Charlie.

#208
- Buying toys, are you? - Yeah.

#209
- Cool. This is my, uh... - Friend. We're good friends.

#210
- Hi. - Hi.

#211
- Is that cute little girl your... - I'm her big sister.

#212
Oh.

#213
Hmm, that's weird. She looks Mexican.

#214
She is Mexican. It's the Big Sister program.

#215
She's not my real little sister.

#216
That is such a coincidence. That's what we're here doing.

#217
- What? - Yeah. Do you see that, um...

#218
Adorable little guy over there? (gun clicks)

#219
That's Charlie's little brother.

#220
Really? No way.

#221
- You're involved in the program? - Yeah.

#222
Well, that's... I didn't know you were involved in the program.

#223
- Oh, my God, I love the program! - It's one of his favorite programs.

#224
- I've been in the program since... - A long time now.

#225
I guess you're gonna be going to the picnic, then, at Fairmount Park?

#226
- Right. - Saturday?

#227
Yeah. Are you there? Are you goin'? Are you gonna be there?

#228
- I will be there on Saturday, yes. - Great.

#229
- Maybe we'll see you there. - Maybe. Or you know what? Or...

#230
- Maybe we could carpool. - Carpool?

#231
Yeah. Well, think about it. We'll save the environment.

#232
- We'll team up. It'll be good. - Smart. Reduce, reuse, recycle.

#233
The kids will love it. The kids... He loves Mexicans.

#234
All right.

#235
- Sure. Let's do it. CHARLIE: Oh!

#236
Okay. Yeah.

#237
- Great. Nice to meet you. - Great.

#238
I'll see you. I gotta go get my little sister.

#239
- Okay, bye. - Bye.

#240
- Thank you. - You're still pretty sweaty.

#241
(all shouting) Baby killer! Baby killer!

#242
You bastards are gonna burn in hell!

#243
Abortion is murder! It's a child, not a choice!

#244
Pro-choice is pro-death!

#245
- Wow! Great rhetoric. - Thank you.

#246
You're really hard-core, aren't you?

#247
Oh, well, you know. I mean, if you really wanna see hard-core...

#248
What's this?

#249
That's the list of doctor's I'm gonna kill.

#250
- There's two already crossed out. - Yeah, I know.

#251
(grunting)

#252
- You really had a good time, huh? - Yeah. We had a blast.

#253
- He didn't give you any problems? - No. Not a single problem.

#254
Listen, I was thinking maybe I could take him out this Saturday?

#255
- Really? - Sure. I'd pick him up at 8:00?

#256
You know, do the father-son thing.

#257
You all right? That's gonna be okay? Because I could really use him.

#258
- Goddamn it! - I'm sorry.

#259
I can't do this! Tommy's not your son.

#260
What?

#261
Remember Jimmy Doyle from high school?

#262
That son of a bitch is Tommy's real father. He left me six months ago.

#263
You know what a nightmare it's been since he left?

#264
- I can't raise Tommy alone. - I don't care! I don't care!

#265
So you thought you'd just pawn your son off on me?

#266
What could I do? I wanted a better role model than that piece of shit.

#267
(stammering) Stop talking! Wait. Let me think.

#268
(grunts) God!

#269
All right. So can I still take him out on Saturday?

#270
- Yeah. - Great.

#271
- That's pretty thin. MAC: Hey-oh!

#272
- Hey. - Mac, where you been?

#273
I don't know. Saving humanity.

#274
- Are you still on this kick, dude? - Yeah, you know, Den, I was...

#275
Thinking what you were saying the other day,

#276
about the t-shirts with the stupid slogans on them.

#277
And I was wondering what you think about this?

#278
Huh, bitch? Yeah! Is that stupid enough for you?

#279
You're not seriously wearing that, are you? You look ridiculous.

#280
- Whatever, dude. - You know?

#281
That's the problem with you anti-abortionists.

#282
You cry about the sanctity of life, and then you wear a shirt like that.

#283
I'm not listening to you.

#284
Aren't you right-wingers all about the death penalty too?

#285
- Doesn't involve killing somebody? - Right, right, right.

#286
And you liberals are against killing murderers.

#287
- But for killing innocent babies. - Yeah. We like to kill babies.

#288
You guys are taking this way too seriously.

#289
Den, you don't understand the week I've been having.

#290
I met a girl at one of these organizations who is a freak.

#291
She is the dirtiest chick I've met in my life.

#292
- Seriously? - Yeah.

#293
You gotta come with me to one of these rallies.

#294
They're having another on Saturday. These chicks are everywhere.

#295
- I can jump on board with that. - Yeah!

#296
Are you actually gonna throw away all your convictions

#297
for a chance to get laid?

#298
I don't really have any convictions.

#299
- Where is this rally being held? - Uh...

#300
Planned Parenthood, Bryn Mawr Medical Center.

#301
I'm gonna go. At least one pro- -choice voice is gonna be heard.

#302
One? There was, like, tons of those chicks at the last one.

#303
- Which side had more? - Oh, which one do you think?

#304
The one that cares about protecting women's bodies

#305
or the one that's run by the religious right?

#306
Probably the side you're goin' to.

#307
I'm gonna fight for the right to choose.

#308
You're a scumbag, Dennis.

#309
- Today's a big day for me, Tommy. - Why?

#310
Well, today is probably the best chance

#311
I'm ever gonna have of hooking up with this girl, so...

#312
Look at me for a second, pal. Okay, do me a favor.

#313
If you're good today, I'm gonna buy you anything that you want,

#314
anything in the world, all right?

#315
Oh, my God!

#316
I will smash your face into a... Into a jelly!

#317
Wrong key.

#318
ALL (chanting): Keep abortion legal! Keep abortion legal!

#319
ALL (chanting): Stop abortion now! Stop abortion now!

#320
- This is crazy. - Yeah, weird.

#321
People actually care about women's bodies. You believe that?

#322
Yeah. I think Mac picked the wrong side. There's, like, no dudes here.

#323
Gross.

#324
You know what? Uh, give me a second here.

#325
- Hi. - Hi.

#326
I like your look.

#327
- Excuse me? - I like the whole hippie thing.

#328
It really works for you.

#329
Get lost, breeder.

#330
Oh, okay. (chuckles)

#331
Yeah. Mmm.

#332
I love the smell of protest in the morning.

#333
What?

#334
I was quoting that movie, you know, "Apocalypse Now".

#335
- "Napalm in the morning." - Is that the new Mel Gibson movie?

#336
- No. - You saw "Passion of the Christ"?

#337
I saw it 12 times.

#338
Okay.

#339
You know, you really shouldn't joke about the apocalypse.

#340
So just fill these out. You'll get your information in the mail.

#341
Thanks.

#342
"Keep your laws..." I like your t-shirt.

#343
- Thanks. - Yeah. Where do I sign?

#344
- Right here. - Love t-shirts like that.

#345
Right.

#346
So, do you come to these kind of things often, or...

#347
Are you hitting on me at an abortion rally?

#348
Yeah, I... (scoffs)

#349
You know what? I think all these chicks are gay.

#350
Yeah, I don't know that they're gay.

#351
I think they can just smell how disgusting you are.

#352
That sucks for me. (dialing)

#353
(cell phone ringing)

#354
- Yell-o. - Hey, Mac. It's Dennis.

#355
Look, man, there's no talent over here. What's the deal over there?

#356
Oh, yeah. We're lookin' real good over here, bro.

#357
- What do you think? - Hop the fence and come over.

#358
- All right. See you in a second. - Later, gator.

#359
All right, Megan. I'm finished.

#360
You are a genius.

#361
Hey, sis. I'm gonna jet.

#362
- You're leaving? - Uh, this side sucks.

#363
I'm gonna try my luck over there.

#364
- Are you kidding me? - Later, tater.

#365
Dennis? You are such a jackass!

#366
(all shouting) Excuse me. Excuse me.

#367
Can I get by here? Thanks.

#368
(shouting continues)

#369
I just... I really love that sign. I've wondered that so many times.

#370
Hey, there's a guy on the fence.

#371
Hey! Hey! They're coming after us!

#372
- No. They're not coming after us. - I'll show you what we do to them.

#373
-How's your aim? - Pretty good.

#374
- I don't think that's a good idea. - Hey, it's okay.

#375
These people deserve this.

#376
(shouting continues)

#377
Yeah. He looks like he deserves it. Maybe just one.

#378
Oh! Ow!

#379
Yeah! Come on! Get your eggs, people!

#380
Oh, my God! Shit! They're throwing eggs!

#381
They did this last time. I came prepared. (chuckles)

#382
Oh. Hey, Dennis! How's the action over there, buddy?

#383
What the hell are you doing?

#384
Oh! They're coming... Okay, now they're coming back.

#385
- Die! - Hey!

#386
Hot chicks on that side, Dennis? (groaning)

#387
You're gonna burn in hell!

#388
(shouting)

#389
Stop! Stop! Stop!

#390
Hey, guess what. I have a surprise for you.

#391
- What? - It's a real miracle.

#392
- What is it? - I'm pregnant!

#393
What?

#394
I'm pregnant!

#395
You gotta get an abortion.

#396
- Megan, wait, wait, wait! - Stop talking to me!

#397
Well, listen, I just think our situation is different.

#398
How is our situation different?

#399
Well, because I didn't mean to get you pregnant.

#400
- It was an accident. - You are so pathetic.

#401
Listen, you can't have this kid, okay?

#402
- I'm way too young and I have... - Save it! I'm not pregnant!

#403
- What? - I'm not pregnant. It was a test.

#404
I just thought for, like, one second that you might be the one.

#405
I just had to know for sure.

#406
Wait a second! So you're not pregnant?

#407
- No. - And this was a test?

#408
- Yeah. - And I failed?

#409
- Have a nice life, asshole. - No! Wait, wait a second! Oh.

#410
Son of a bitch! Son of a bitch!

#411
Where the hell have you been? You said 11:30, dude!

#412
- I don't wanna talk about it. - That waitress is picking me up.

#413
I was ready to shut down the whole bar!

#414
What the hell is that kid doin' here?

#415
CHARLIE: I'm taking him to the Big Brother Big Sister thing.

#416
- Get him out of here, Charlie. - I'm getting picked up any minute!

#417
- Will you relax? - I told you.

#418
- I don't want kids in the bar! - Dude, what is up your ass?

#419
You, you are out! Whoa, dude! This kid reeks of booze!

#420
No, no, no, no, no. Are you drunk? Don't be drunk.

#421
- Yeah - How could you let this happen?

#422
I was the only one bartending! He took sips out of people's beers.

#423
- All right. Brew some coffee. - You can't give him coffee!

#424
- Let go of that! - Get him out of here, Charlie!

#425
Charlie!

#426
Okay, here we go!

#427
Fresh air! Have a seat! Sit down!

#428
- You suck! - You suck, all right?

#429
- Breathe it in. Fresh air now. - You suck!

#430
- And you have an ugly face! - You suck! You have an ugly face.

#431
You try and push people's buttons all the time!

#432
And you get in their head, and you drive them crazy!

#433
Maybe that's why you don't have a dad anymore!

#434
WAITRESS: Oh, my God!

#435
- What are you doing? - I'm drunk.

#436
- He's drunk? - He's not drunk.

#437
- I am drunk! - You're not drunk.

#438
- He sounds drunk. - I am drunk!

#439
You're not drunk! Stop saying that!

#440
He's fine.

#441
Jimmy Doyle!

#442
- Yeah? - Charlie Kelly.

#443
- Yeah? - From high school.

#444
Oh, yeah. I didn't recognize you without all your acne.

#445
(chuckles) All right, listen, I need to talk to you about your kid.

#446
- Why? - Uh, let's see.

#447
Because your kid has serious emotional problems.

#448
- Why? - You're not there as a father.

#449
Why?

#450
You're kidding me? This your little game?

#451
This is what you're doin'? This is what you're doin' to me?

#452
Why?

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