Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S01E03 — Underage Drinking - A National Concern

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 1, Episode 3 — Underage Drinking - A National Concern

#1
(chattering) (hip-hop music playing)

#2
(man rapping)

#3
I like what I'm seeing here!

#4
- I like what you're doing now! - I like what you're doing!

#5
- I like what you're doing! - I like what we're all doing!

#6
I like this guy! (shouting)

#7
- This is insane! - I know!

#8
This is good! This is a good scene!

#9
I've never seen so many beautiful people in my life!

#10
Hey, check it out! Even Sweet Dee's getting lucky!

#11
That dude's gonna bang your sister, bro.

#12
- This is good, man. I feel good. - You look good, brother.

#13
No, no, no, no. But I feel better than good. You know.

#14
I feel like, um...

#15
- I feel like dancing. - Whoa, it feels good, man!

#16
You should. Get out there, buddy. Make it happen. Nice.

#17
(rapping continues)

#18
MAC: I love that little man.

#19
This is great. What's going on? This is the greatest night

#20
Paddy's has ever seen. - I know!

#21
- Kind of a young crowd, right? - Yeah!

#22
- Really, really young. - Mm-hmm.

#23
What, do you think these kids are in college or what?

#24
I don't know. Hey. You. How old are you?

#25
Twenty-one?

#26
(music stops) Everybody, out!

#27
Yeah, but I don't understand how you guys could let this happen.

#28
It was not my fault. I was working behind the bar.

#29
Come on, Dennis. You remember what it was like in high school.

#30
The minute that we caught word that a bar wasn't carding,

#31
we would just pack the place the following weekend.

#32
They probably had a recon crew come in last week.

#33
- Oh, they definitely had... - Why? Why were we not carding?

#34
- Not my job. - Not my job either.

#35
It's all of our jobs. We could get into a lot of trouble for this.

#36
And we have a social responsibility to keep teenagers from drinking.

#37
(sighs) I guess.

#38
I don't know about that, though.

#39
- Oh, Mac! - Mac! Don't.

#40
Hold on a second. Hear me out. Hear me out.

#41
It wasn't that long ago that we were in the same position

#42
as these youngsters, right?

#43
I mean, we'd get kicked out of some bar, and what did we do, Den?

#44
We would get a bunch of 40s from a homeless guy,

#45
and we'd go sit in some park, right?

#46
- That's true. It's absolutely true. - And what would happen?

#47
We would almost get raped and/or murdered and/or stabbed

#48
by crack heads in Fairmount Park.

#49
You wanna know what else what would happen?

#50
We drove Nikki Potnick's car into a tree on Kelly Drive.

#51
With Sweet Dee in the backseat puking all over the headrest

#52
because some guy talked to her that she liked, remember that?

#53
Every time some guy talks to you that you like,

#54
you get so nervous you drink yourself into oblivion.

#55
- You drink yourself crazy. - You abused alcohol, that's okay.

#56
But it's very dangerous, right? Right? Okay.

#57
Well, maybe we should look at this whole thing from a different angle.

#58
We have "a social responsibility" to provide a safe haven

#59
for these kids to be kids.

#60
You know, experiment.

#61
No. I don't like where this is heading.

#62
We would have to set up ground rules.

#63
Okay. No drinking and driving.

#64
No one's gonna crash Nikki Potnick's car. Everyone has to take a cab.

#65
- Four drink maximum. That's it. - Yeah, yeah. That's it.

#66
Anyone causing trouble can't come. If you're here, you gotta be cool.

#67
- He's gone! He's gone! - Listen, we water down the drinks.

#68
Jack up the prices, we could make a serious profit off these kids.

#69
And they'd have no idea what the hell's going on.

#70
We would actually be doing something good.

#71
- Great. I say we do it. - Yeah.

#72
I don't know how you guys live with yourselves.

#73
- One day at a time. - One day at a time.

#74
DEE: Yeah, I know, Mom. I heard you the first time.

#75
I'm perfectly aware of what time it is. Thank you, Mom.

#76
Do we have to do this right now?

#77
I know how old I am. Did you think that I forgot maybe how old...

#78
You know what, as a matter of fact, I have a date this afternoon

#79
with my friend Steven.

#80
So I should probably go, 'cause I gotta get ready for that.

#81
Mm-hmm. All right. Yeah, you too. Bye.

#82
(beeps) (frustrated grunt)

#83
Hello, Steven.

#84
(rings) Hello.

#85
- Dee? - Yeah.

#86
- This is Trey from last night. - Oh, hey, Trey.

#87
You know what? I don't think I should be talking with you.

#88
You're the most beautiful woman I've ever met in my entire life.

#89
Really?

#90
I can't believe someone as gorgeous as you can be so down to earth.

#91
Well, I've always tried to keep both feet on the ground, so...

#92
Yeah. So, listen, I have a lacrosse game, but I was wondering if you

#93
wanted to meet me and my friends at Lemon Hill afterwards.

#94
Lemon Hill? That's where all the cool kids used to go.

#95
- Good. So you've been there. - Oh! Come on.

#96
- I've been there, like, 200 times. - Why don't you stop by?

#97
I mean, unless you got something better to do today.

#98
(man rapping)

#99
Wow. You can really put 'em back, can't you?

#100
The trick is to just kind of open your throat.

#101
You are so much cooler than all the other girls I know.

#102
You are so sweet. Can you get me another one of these?

#103
(rock music playing) MAN: Whoo!

#104
- All right. There you go. - Look how much fun they're having.

#105
Of course they are. They haven't realized how much life sucks yet.

#106
Remember how great high school was?

#107
All those parties, no responsibilities.

#108
- High school was the best. - Do you even remember high school?

#109
I don't think it happened the way you think.

#110
- What do you mean? - What I mean, Mac,

#111
s that the only reason you hang out with me and the other cool kids

#112
s 'cause you sold us weed. We all thought you were an asshole.

#113
- I was popular! - Yeah, Mac was very popular.

#114
And I like to think I was pretty popular myself.

#115
- You were. - No, he was.

#116
You were popular like a clown is popular.

#117
- What? - Yeah, you made us all laugh.

#118
All the guys knew you couldn't sleep with their girlfriends.

#119
Whatever. The only reason you got laid is 'cause you dated freshmen.

#120
Yeah. You've always had that creepy thing with younger girls.

#121
- I do not. - You're not in high school anymore.

#122
So, you better keep it in the pants, 'cause it's kind of creepy.

#123
You want to talk about creepy?

#124
You guys sniffing glue in your mom's basement, Charlie. That's creepy.

#125
Tim Murphy slept with your prom date.

#126
MAC: Tim Murphy slept with your prom date!

#127
Tim Murphy had sex with your prom date!

#128
Oh, oh, no...

#129
MAC: Oh. - He's getting sad now.

#130
- No. There's watering in the eyes. - Now he's running away.

#131
(mock crying) Oh, is he gonna cry?

#132
(mock crying)

#133
Did you see that? He was totally gonna cry.

#134
- Oh, Trey, that is so sad. - It was a really bad breakup.

#135
I mean, Tammy's great and all. I just wasn't feeling it.

#136
Oh, yeah. Well, you gotta feel it.

#137
Don't get me wrong. Tammy's the prettiest girl in school,

#138
so it was a perfect match. It just wasn't working.

#139
- Hmm. - She's not as pretty as you though.

#140
(chuckles) Oh! Thank you.

#141
Wait!

#142
- I can't do this. - What?

#143
I never statutory raped anyone before.

#144
Oh.

#145
Okay. I'll tell you what. Let's, uh, just take it slow.

#146
(sighs) You are so sweet. Where were you when I was in high school?

#147
I was eight.

#148
Right. Yeah.

#149
These kids are wasted, bro. I thought we were cuttin' 'em off.

#150
I am cuttin' 'em off.

#151
These kids haven't had more than three drinks each.

#152
Plus, there's so much water, they're probably more hydrated

#153
than they ever have been in their entire lives.

#154
- Are they fakin' it? - I guess.

#155
Just stay away from me, Billy!

#156
No, Sara! I saw you flirting with him!

#157
No, I know it. You were throwing yourself on him!

#158
Hey, hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

#159
Give me some eyes! Look at me! Cool your jets!

#160
- I'm sorry. - All right, beat it!

#161
Are you okay?

#162
- He's such a player. - Is he a player? Big time.

#163
I hate players. All right. I'm sorry. I'm getting fired up here.

#164
Charlie, that was the coolest thing you've ever done!

#165
I know. I'm gonna be sick.

#166
(girls giggling)

#167
Oh, shit.

#168
You Dennis Reynolds?

#169
- Yeah. - You like what you see?

#170
- Uh, I don't know. (chuckles) - Dude, relax. I'm 18.

#171
- Are you in high school? - Yes.

#172
Then take a hike.

#173
Doesn't seem to bother your sister.

#174
What?

#175
She was all over this one boy in my class today.

#176
- Really? - Listen, dude, I'm legal,

#177
and I love to party.

#178
So if you're looking for the ride of your life, give me a call.

#179
(chuckles)

#180
Goddamn it.

#181
(knocking) DEE: Hang on. I'm coming!

#182
- What the hell is wrong with you? - What?

#183
I know you were hanging out with that high school kid from the bar.

#184
Okay. You know what? We're just friends, all right?

#185
He went through a really bad breakup,

#186
and he just needed me to be there for him.

#187
What you're doing is sick and wrong.

#188
What are you, living out some sad fantasy of yours?

#189
Going out with the most popular kid in high school.

#190
Why would that be a fantasy?

#191
I went out with tons of guys in high school.

#192
You wore that scoliosis back brace until you were 20 years old.

#193
- Everyone was afraid of you. - No, they weren't.

#194
You looked like a monster! Do you all have amnesia?

#195
- What is that supposed to mean? - Oh, my God.

#196
You're as delusional as Mac and Charlie.

#197
Do not compare me to Mac and Charlie.

#198
I'm telling you, this is the wrong kind of glue, Charlie.

#199
No, it's not.

#200
This is made for, like, kindergartners or something.

#201
- No, this will work. - No, look. "Nontoxic and safe".

#202
We don't want safe. We want toxic.

#203
- Something's happening. - Nothing is gonna happen.

#204
- Something's happening. - Nothing's gonna happen.

#205
No, you're right. This isn't working.

#206
(phone rings)

#207
Y'ello.

#208
Yeah.

#209
Oh, hey. How are you?

#210
Really? (laughs) That's cool.

#211
Yeah. Okay.

#212
Bye.

#213
Dude. That was that girl, Sara, the one from the bar the other night,

#214
who I rescued from that kid?

#215
Well, her parents are out of town, and she's totally having a party.

#216
What do you think?

#217
Kind of a lame party, bro.

#218
Uh, what do you think? Should we jet?

#219
Yeah. This doesn't feel right.

#220
- Hey, guys! (giggling) - Oh, hey, Sara.

#221
- Hey. - I'm so glad you guys came.

#222
Well, um, we ran into a little bit of a problem.

#223
My brother, he was supposed to pick up the keg,

#224
but he bailed on me.

#225
- Oh, that sucks. - Yeah. Yeah, it totally sucks.

#226
So, um, we were wondering if maybe you guys could help us out.

#227
- Oh, you mean... No, I don't... - Oh, no.

#228
Geez, I don't think that's such a good idea.

#229
Listen, it's one thing at the bar, you know,

#230
where we have control over you guys. It's like another thing...

#231
Oh, come on, please? Please. You guys have been so cool.

#232
Yeah, we were just talking about how cool you guys were.

#233
- Really? - You were?

#234
This would be the coolest thing that anyone's ever done for us.

#235
- Ever. - Ever.

#236
Who wants to do a keg stand? (cheering)

#237
Um, I'm kind of having second thoughts a little bit.

#238
Oh, come on. It'll be a blast.

#239
Yeah, well, I don't think your friends like me that much.

#240
Let's go get a beer.

#241
ALL: 25! 26! 27! 28! 29!

#242
(groaning)

#243
- Hey, Dee. - Hi, guys.

#244
What's going on?

#245
- Just hanging out, you know? - Yeah.

#246
Wanna do a keg stand?

#247
ALL: 75, 76, 77! (cheering)

#248
77 seconds!

#249
- That is a new record, baby! Whoo! - I did it. I did it.

#250
So Ben is like, "I don't care what Kevin said, Sara.

#251
"I was only going out with Rachel to get closer to you."

#252
Oh, my... Oh, my God. What did you say to that?

#253
"Whatever, Ben. I heard from Caitlin that you were totally into her."

#254
Um, he's so full of shit.

#255
(chattering)

#256
- God damn! Come on. - Oh, come on.

#257
Yeah! What do you think about that, bitches?

#258
Load 'em up, losers! What do you think about this, huh?

#259
How I embarrassed your boyfriend in front of everybody?

#260
You like that? You like what you see?

#261
- What's with this guy? - I know. What is he, like, 40?

#262
Get me some more! Get me some more! Let's go! Load 'em up!

#263
- I'm gonna put on a goddamn clinic! - What an asshole.

#264
(sighs)

#265
Come on, guys. Hey. Let's go.

#266
Let's go!

#267
- Oh, get off me, dude! - Get off me!

#268
Can we please get out of here? Let's go.

#269
Why? (sighs)

#270
Trey asked me to prom last night. This is getting really weird.

#271
- That girl Sara asked me, too. - You're kidding!

#272
What? No, we can't go to the prom. That's pathetic.

#273
What do you mean "we"? Who asked you?

#274
Let's just go. Let's just go.

#275
(knocking) All right, all right. I'm coming.

#276
Hi, sexy.

#277
What are you doing here? You got to get out of here.

#278
I need a date for the prom, and I want you to take me.

#279
(scoffs) Are you kidding me?

#280
I can't do that, okay? You got to go.

#281
Isn't there anything I can do to change your mind?

#282
No. No, no, no. No. Leave. Leave. Go.

#283
Okay. You can either take me to the prom,

#284
or I can tell the police that you're serving underage kids.

#285
- Are you serious? - Try me.

#286
God damn it.

#287
You know what? I don't think we should be serving minors anymore.

#288
Oh, no. Somebody's jealous.

#289
No, I'm not jealous, okay? I just think it's dangerous.

#290
I think you're jealous you didn't get asked to the prom.

#291
MAC: I don't care about that.

#292
- Oh, you're gonna cry? - Shut up!

#293
Yo, you guys? No more kids in the bar, seriously.

#294
- Okay! We're talking some sense. - What the hell?

#295
This girl asked me to the prom.

#296
- What? - Yeah.

#297
The girl comes to my house, tells me if I don't go to the prom with her,

#298
she's gonna rat us out to the cops.

#299
Wait a second. Wait a second. Hold on.

#300
So all of you guys got asked to the prom?

#301
You guys got asked to the prom?

#302
- Yeah. - Whoa.

#303
Oh, this is so lame!

#304
At least you don't actually have to go.

#305
Are you going?

#306
- Yeah. I have to. - Oh, well...

#307
If you're going, I'm going then, I guess.

#308
- So you... MAC: What?

#309
Well, I didn't get to go when I was in high school, dude.

#310
I think it might actually be fun.

#311
DEE: If you guys are going, I'm going. I'm not staying here.

#312
- Are you gonna go? - I'm gonna go.

#313
- I have to go, so... - Oh, this is pathetic.

#314
Maybe if you weren't such a jerk, someone might have asked you.

#315
Because Sara told me that Maureen told her

#316
that Regina McGinley thought you were cute.

#317
- Ray Rafferty comes up to you... - Charlie, shut up!

#318
The only reason that Sara asked you in the first place

#319
s because you're the only idiot dumb enough

#320
to listen to her bitch about her ex-boyfriend all night!

#321
(scoffs) Whatever. (beeping)

#322
Hey, we should have a pre-prom party.

#323
You know what, Charlie? I think this is actually gonna be pretty great.

#324
Oh, dude, are you kidding me? This is gonna be awesome.

#325
I can't wait to just get out there and start dancing.

#326
- I'm gonna dance, too. - Are you gonna dance, baby?

#327
- I'm gonna dance like this. - You gonna dance with me? Oh, Dee!

#328
Come here. Let me take a look at you.

#329
Wow. You look... You look...

#330
- Yeah. - I know.

#331
I feel so lucky that this thing even fits still.

#332
- Is it your dress from high school? - Yup.

#333
You didn't go to the prom in high school, Dee.

#334
No, I know. My back brace was under the dress, and Mom called me fat.

#335
- I stayed home and cried instead. - Take it slow. Take it slow.

#336
I know, you guys, but I just am so nervous.

#337
I just want this whole night to be so special.

#338
That dude is going to bang your sister, bro.

#339
- What's up, bitches? Mmm! - What is this? What are you doing?

#340
You assholes aren't gonna be the only ones having fun.

#341
- I'm going to the prom. - Dork!

#342
- You can't crash high school prom. - I'm going stag, bro.

#343
Mac, you are so pathetic.

#344
Yes, and your eyebrows are drawn on, so...

#345
Whoa. Well, you know what? How about this?

#346
Say it, don't spray it. (chuckles)

#347
- Trey's here. Oh, my God. - Hello.

#348
Excuse me, Mac. My date has arrived.

#349
Trey is so cool.

#350
He's totally gonna bang your sister.

#351
Hello, sweet prince. (giggling)

#352
- Wow! You look... Good. - I know! Like a princess.

#353
- Can I tell you a little secret? - Sure.

#354
Beat it.

#355
I always wanted to have sex on prom.

#356
All right. So what's the plan? Do we have a limo or what?

#357
Uh, the plan is, you're not coming with us.

#358
- Yeah. - Why not?

#359
- Because you weren't invited... - Yeah, and you totally suck.

#360
I totally suck? What is that supposed to mean?

#361
Oh, Jesus.

#362
- Oh, who is that? - That's my prom date.

#363
She's unbelievable. How old is she?

#364
- She's 18. - Eighteen?

#365
- You are a lucky man. - Oh, you dick!

#366
Wait a second. You guys called me creepy for liking young chicks.

#367
Eighteen's legal, bro. This isn't a morality contest.

#368
Eighteen's not young, bro.

#369
So you guys are giving me the go-ahead? I mean, can I...

#370
- Go ahead. - Hi, Dennis.

#371
- Hi. You look... - Yeah, I know.

#372
- Do ya? - Mmm-hmm. (whistles)

#373
I can't zip it up. Your hair's all caught.

#374
All right. Just pull it.

#375
(grunts) Oh.

#376
- Tammy? - Mmm-mmm. No. What?

#377
Hold on one minute.

#378
- Can I get you a drink? - Maybe.

#379
What would you like?

#380
- Anything you want. - Tammy, what are you doing here?

#381
I'm picking up my date.

#382
You're going to prom with this guy?

#383
- Yes. - Can I talk to you for a second?

#384
- What the hell is going on? - It's Tammy, Trey's ex-girlfriend.

#385
This is classic Tammy.

#386
Trey broke up with Tammy because Maureen Kinallen said

#387
that she saw Tammy flirting with Walt Timby at a party.

#388
But she was only doing it to make Trey jealous because,

#389
you know, she thought that Trey secretly liked Erin Hannabry.

#390
But Trey didn't like Erin Hannabry. It was all a bunch of bull.

#391
- What is happening? - It's Tammy, Trey's ex-girlfriend.

#392
This is classic Tammy. Trey broke up with Tammy...

#393
Okay, you know what? Charlie, you got to stop, honestly.

#394
What are they talking about? ALL: Whoa!

#395
- Where are they going? - What the hell is this?

#396
Oh, man! Ah, they did it. They got what they wanted.

#397
- This is bullshit. - So wait a second.

#398
They were actually using you two to make each other jealous.

#399
Yeah, and I always knew that they'd wind up together.

#400
- They're, like, so perfect... - Shut up, Charlie!

#401
They're one of those perfect matches.

#402
That dude's gonna bang your prom date, bro.

#403
Stop saying it! Stop saying it! It's not funny!

#404
Hey, why are you such an asshole all the time?

#405
I'm not the asshole. You guys just got dumped on prom night.

#406
- You got dumped on prom night! - You were gonna go stag.

#407
- Yes, I was. Absolutely. - How old are you, dude?

#408
I am 28 years old.

#409
- You're a piece of crap! - I'm not a piece of crap!

#410
- You're a piece of crap. - I have to pee.

#411
Stop it. Go pee.

#412
I hate you, Charlie.

#413
Just like high school.

#414
#Let's dance in style Let's dance for a while

#415
#Heaven can wait We're only watching the skies

#416
#Hoping for the best But expecting the worst

#417
#Are you gonna Drop the bomb or not

#418
#Let us die young Or let us live forever

#419
#We don't have the power But we never say never

#420
#Sitting in a sandpit Life is a short trip

#421
#The music's for the sad men

#422
#Can you imagine When this race is won

#423
#Turn our golden faces into the sun

#424
#Praising our leaders We're getting in tune

#425
#The music's played By the madman

#426
#Forever young I want to be forever young

#427
#Do you really Want to live forever

#428
#Forever and ever

#429
#Forever young I want to be forever young#

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