Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S01E04 — Charlie Has Cancer

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 1, Episode 4 — Charlie Has Cancer

#1
(knock on door) Yo, Charlie! It's Dennis.

#2
- Hey. - Hey, dude.

#3
What's up, buddy?

#4
Hey, your face looks, like, poofy.

#5
Uh, uh, yeah, I've been crying a little bit.

#6
Huh? I'm sorry.

#7
Hey, do you have that basketball?

#8
Mac and I were about to go play in the park. I think you...

#9
- Uh, yeah. I might. Come on in. - Yeah? Okay.

#10
(exhales)

#11
Wow, dude! I thought my place looked like shit.

#12
Oh. (chuckles) Yeah.

#13
What's wrong? You look, uh, hungover or something.

#14
No. Yeah, it's... I found out I might have cancer, so, ooh.

#15
What?

#16
Yeah, I found out I might have cancer. That's why I haven't...

#17
... been down to the bar recently. And, uh... (sighs)

#18
Jesus, dude. I don't know what to say.

#19
Don't say anything. Check these pamphlets out. They go over...

#20
... cancer, cancer-related issues.

#21
It feels actually pretty good to get this off my chest, you know?

#22
I've been sittin' in here, boo-hooin' a little bit, so...

#23
I mean, I'm glad we can talk. We can talk, right?

#24
Yeah. Of course. Yeah, talk. We can always talk.

#25
It starts out I'm not feeling good. I'm havin' headaches...

#26
Uh, did you want to talk, like, right now?

#27
I was thinking we could talk right now.

#28
Well, it's not really a good time.

#29
It's just that Mac and Sweet Dee are down in the car,

#30
they're waitin' for me. I told them I'd just...

#31
... zip in and zip out.

#32
- Oh, yeah. All right. - I could ask 'em to wait.

#33
(sighs) Don't do that.

#34
- I really shouldn't. - Then don't.

#35
(siren wailing in distance)

#36
Hey, uh, look, man. Keep... Keep your head up.

#37
- You're gonna get through this. - Oh, yeah.

#38
Do me a favor though. Uh, don't tell anybody.

#39
- I don't want it gettin' around. - Oh, no, no. I won't say anything.

#40
- Thanks. All right. - Uh... Uh...

#41
Could I get the... The basketball though?

#42
It's just we're supposed to meet, like, a bunch of people,

#43
and we were supposed to bring that. - Yeah, no. You're... Okay.

#44
But Charlie's got such great hair. Is he gonna lose all of his hair?

#45
- Yeah. He probably is. - So what kind of cancer is it?

#46
- I don't know, man. - When does he go in for treatment?

#47
He didn't say. You know, we just stood there for a long time

#48
and didn't say much, you know?

#49
And we cried together, and I held him for a while, and that was it.

#50
- Mmm-hmm. - That is so sad.

#51
He is gonna look so bad without that hair.

#52
We gotta do somethin' nice for him. We should go back.

#53
No, no, no. Actually, you guys, we can't go back.

#54
He made me promise not to tell anybody.

#55
When we see him, we're supposed to act like we don't know anything?

#56
- Yeah. - No, no. That's not right at all.

#57
We can't just abandon him right now.

#58
He needs people around him. He shouldn't be alone.

#59
I learned a lot in theater and psych classes about the human nature...

#60
Dee, you know what? Nobody cares about the psych or theater training.

#61
No, no, no. Dee's right. Let's think about this.

#62
What's the one thing that Charlie never gets?

#63
- Laid. - Right! We find a girl for Charlie.

#64
No, not at all what I was saying actually.

#65
Let's find a girl for Charlie. Someone to be there for him,

#66
spend time with him, you know, nurture him.

#67
- Bang him. - Have sex with him, right.

#68
Great. Dee, you have friends that are desperate enough for this?

#69
Are you out of your mind? I'm not helping you guys with this.

#70
Oh, come on. Don't be a pain in the ass.

#71
I am not be... Speaking of which, anybody want to get up off their ass

#72
and help me with the boxes?

#73
The boxes? That's what Charlie does.

#74
- Well, I can't do it all by myself. - Oh, I'm sorry.

#75
So Charlie's wasting away, and we're gonna talk about

#76
Sweet Dee's feelings all morning. Great.

#77
Okay, you know what? I love Charlie very much.

#78
But this is a stupid idea you guys have. So you know what?

#79
- Whatever! - I am not helping you with it.

#80
Whatever. You know what, Dennis? We don't need her.

#81
- We don't need her. - You're right. We don't need her.

#82
What we'll do is we'll find a girl for Charlie tonight in the bar.

#83
- Yes. DEE: No, you won't.

#84
Yes, we will.

#85
DEE: There are never any girls in this bar.

#86
DENNIS: God damn it!

#87
- I told you. - I don't get it, Dee.

#88
There are tons of women in this city. Where do they go?

#89
Uh, they're at the velvet-rope clubs on Delaware Avenue.

#90
- Why? - Dennis.

#91
Our bar is in South Philly in a scary alley.

#92
- Might as well call it rape bar. - No, no, no.

#93
The problem's every time a beautiful girl comes into a place like this,

#94
t's always the biggest asshole that winds up accosting her.

#95
Carmen, you have the most amazing body.

#96
- Are you bulimic, or what? - No. I work out, like, every day.

#97
- Yeah, it shows. - You look like you work out, too.

#98
Yeah. One would think, actually. But it's pretty much all natural.

#99
Dennis, maybe you need to rethink this whole plan of yours.

#100
I don't think getting Charlie laid is gonna help his cancer problem.

#101
(scoffs) Whatever.

#102
I found the perfect girl for Charlie.

#103
- Smart, beautiful, the whole thing. - Where?

#104
Right there.

#105
DENNIS: Over by the pool table? - Yeah. Nice.

#106
- That's great, Mac. - Good work, Mac.

#107
That's a dude.

#108
No. The one with the exposed midriff and the cans.

#109
Yeah. That's Eric Wyzotski's cousin. Carmen, right?

#110
- Yeah. - Yeah, Carmen.

#111
- Tranny. - Implants?

#112
- Yeah. Not bad. It's good... - Nice.

#113
- Are you sure? - Yeah. Look at his jeans, dude.

#114
There's an unmistakable bulge of a large penis in those jeans.

#115
- There's a dick in those pants. - There's a dick in those pants?

#116
I'll be right back.

#117
Excuse me, bro. Can you give me a second? Thanks.

#118
- Is that a penis in your pants? - Yeah.

#119
- You lied to me. - No, I didn't.

#120
You lied to me. You don't work out? Please, I've seen you at the gym.

#121
- You're ripped. - No. Don't turn this around. Wait.

#122
- Really? You think so? - Yeah.

#123
I was afraid I was getting a little too ripped, you know?

#124
Oh, no. I like it. (chuckles)

#125
Wow!

#126
Hmm.

#127
Well, I gotta get back to work. Um, but...

#128
I don't know. Maybe I'll give you a call sometime.

#129
- Okay. - Yeah.

#130
Yeah, I'll give you a call.

#131
(honking)

#132
(soft music playing)

#133
(coughing)

#134
- What do you want, Charlie? - I like your bracelet.

#135
- Great. - That's one of those, uh...

#136
Lance Armstrong "race for the cure", "live strong" kind of things.

#137
- Yeah. - Cool. That's very cool.

#138
You must be a very compassionate person.

#139
I'm not. Did you want something from me, or...

#140
What time are you getting off of work?

#141
It's not a thing to walk away about. Whatever.

#142
Dennis, I don't have time to talk to you about this.

#143
But we found the perfect girl for Charlie.

#144
That's awesome.

#145
You know the waitress over at the coffee shop,

#146
the one that he's been in love with forever?

#147
- Yes. - Well, okay.

#148
He saw her wearing one of those Lance Armstrong "race for the cure",

#149
"I love people that are dying of cancer" type bracelets.

#150
That's really cool.

#151
Well, so that bracelet probably means

#152
that she's compassionate towards sick and dying people.

#153
- That's what that symbolizes. - You know what that symbolizes?

#154
Those bracelets symbolize jumping on fashion trends.

#155
And you know what the thing that's so rad is?

#156
They come in all kinds of colors now,

#157
so you can accessorize your compassion with your outfits.

#158
- Really cool. - All right. All right.

#159
Well, be that as it may, we still need you to talk to her,

#160
because the whole thing sounds so much better coming from a girl.

#161
You know what? First of all, I don't have time since, apparently,

#162
I'm the only one who does anything around here anymore.

#163
And second of all, it's gross!

#164
I'm sure that there's something that Mac and I can do for you

#165
that will convince you to help us.

#166
Sweet Dee is in.

#167
CHARLIE: Sweet Dee's in what?

#168
She is in...

#169
... way over her head.

#170
- In what? - Debt.

#171
Huh. I know that game.

#172
I'm gonna get a beer. You want one?

#173
- Great. - Uh...

#174
Yeah.

#175
- Nice cover, dick. - Thanks.

#176
- So Sweet Dee's in? - Yeah. Uh, under one condition.

#177
- What? - She gets to punch you in the face.

#178
- What? (clicks tongue) - Right in the face.

#179
- Why? - The Christmas party.

#180
How about that game against Dallas

#181
when Santa came out at halftime and we threw batteries?

#182
She grabbed me from behind. It was instinctual.

#183
I know that, man. You don't grab.

#184
- You don't grab from behind. - Not from behind.

#185
That sucks, if Sweet Dee's out, we need to find other girl quickly.

#186
We, uh, you know... (chuckles)

#187
We kind of need her. We kind of need Sweet Dee.

#188
You're sayin'...

#189
Are you talking about letting Sweet Dee punch me in my face?

#190
Charlie has cancer.

#191
So you're new here, yeah? Who are you?

#192
(scoffs) Who am I?

#193
I'm just a small-town girl...

#194
Who moved to the big city with big dreams...

#195
Just to find out...

#196
... the only way to make it in the big city...

#197
... is to shake it.

#198
And that's what I do...

#199
... at the Coyote Ugly.

#200
End scene.

#201
(exhales) Wow.

#202
- Artemis, that was amazing. - Wow! That really means a lot.

#203
But you won't be seeing me in class anymore.

#204
I lost my job at the Wawa.

#205
I'm sorry. Are you doing another scene? I, I...

#206
I won't be able to pay my bills!

#207
I'm thinkin' about goin' on welfare!

#208
What am I gonna do? Oh, my God! Ow.

#209
(sobbing) Okay.

#210
#Never gonna give you up

#211
(singing along with radio) #Never gonna let you down

#212
#Never gonna run around And hurt you# (cell phone rings)

#213
- Hello? - Hey, Dennis. It's Dee.

#214
I was... What are you listening to?

#215
Uh, Rick Astley. What's up?

#216
Oh, nothing. Only I just solved all of our problems.

#217
- Really? - Mmm-hmm.

#218
Except for Charlie and the whole cancer thing.

#219
But I did figure out how to get help at the bar.

#220
- Sweet Dee, we talked about this. - No, no. Just listen.

#221
I was thinking we could do that whole Coyote Ugly theme.

#222
You know, where the girls dance on top of the bars.

#223
- Take their bras off and stuff. - I'm listening.

#224
Okay, well, I have a friend who would be absolutely perfect for it.

#225
She'd work for tips only. And she would even come in

#226
and interview with you, so you could see if you liked her.

#227
Would she wear the hot pants, tank top, wanna-hump-hump pumps?

#228
- Oh, yeah. - Do it.

#229
Okay. Only under one condition.

#230
I don't wanna help you get that waitress to sleep with Charlie.

#231
- Oh, come on, sis. We need you. - You know what? You gotta choose.

#232
Charlie's waitress or a hot new bartender?

#233
- Sweet Dee's out. MAC: What?

#234
Yeah. She's too busy training this new bartender.

#235
Apparently, she's got this hot new friend who she...

#236
DENNIS: Hey. - Hey.

#237
- Hi. - Carmen.

#238
Dennis.

#239
What are you guys, uh, what are you doin'?

#240
Just watchin' a basketball game.

#241
Oh.

#242
- I was just leaving, actually. - Oh, oh, no, no, no.

#243
You know what? I was gonna leave. (stammers) I mean, you could...

#244
No, it's okay. I've got a hair appointment in, like, 20 minutes.

#245
- It was nice to see you. - It was good to see you.

#246
- So I'll see you tonight? - Oh. Mmm-hmm.

#247
- I'll pick you up at 8:00? - Cool.

#248
(chuckles) Okay.

#249
- She's gettin' it removed. - So what?

#250
I'm just puttin' in my time, you know? So that...

#251
- Afterwards I'll be... first. - Gross, dude.

#252
Gross.

#253
MAC: This is just pathetic. - Yeah.

#254
- All right. Let's roll. - Wait. Well, what's the plan?

#255
The plan is that you're gonna distract Charlie, okay?

#256
I'm gonna march up to that waitress, tell her that he has cancer.

#257
All right? She's gonna feel sorry for him.

#258
- Then she's gonna sleep with him. - That's not gonna work.

#259
- You can't just do that. - Well, what do you wanna do?

#260
- Hey, Dennis. - Charlie has cancer.

#261
- Really? - Yeah.

#262
- That's so sad. - Yeah.

#263
Are you okay?

#264
- Yeah. I'm... I'm all right. - Yeah?

#265
MAC: You did what?

#266
I slept with her.

#267
Charlie's been in love with that girl for months.

#268
I don't know what happened. I mentioned the cancer thing.

#269
She instantly started comin' on to me.

#270
- Really? - Yeah. You were right about that.

#271
Cancer. Gold mine.

#272
- What... What are we gonna do? - Don't worry. I got a plan.

#273
Bam.

#274
Bam?

#275
- What's that? - $200.

#276
Why?

#277
Well, Dennis was thinking that that might help convince you

#278
to sleep with our friend Charlie.

#279
Gross.

#280
- 250. - Deal.

#281
Hey, Carmen!

#282
Hey, yo, Carmen!

#283
- Hey. - Charlie has cancer.

#284
Oh, my God!

#285
You poor baby. I'll be right down.

#286
#Never gonna give you up Never gonna let you down

#287
#Never gonna run around And desert you

#288
#Never gonna make you cry Never gonna say goodbye

#289
#Never gonna tell a lie And hurt you

#290
#Never gonna give you up Never gonna let you down

#291
#Never gonna run around And desert you

#292
#Never gonna make you cry Never gonna say goodbye

#293
#Never gonna tell a lie And hurt you

#294
#Never gonna give you up Never gonna let you down

#295
#Never gonna run around and...#

#296
(music playing on TV)

#297
Hey, Dennis! Could you help me with this keg, please?

#298
Uh, I slept a little funny on my neck.

#299
Hey, is your friend gonna be doin' stuff like this?

#300
- Um... ARTEMIS: Hello.

#301
- Can I help you? - I'm Artemis.

#302
- Okay. - I'm here for the audition.

#303
I'm just a small-town girl...

#304
Who moved to the big city with big dreams...

#305
... just to find out...

#306
... the only way to make it in the big city...

#307
... is to shake it.

#308
That's what I do.

#309
(whispering) Shake it. Shake it.

#310
You wanna see me shake it?

#311
(chuckles) Of course you do.

#312
They all do. I shake it.

#313
Shake it. I shake it.

#314
I shake it. I shake it. I sha...

#315
You cannot possibly have thought that this was gonna be a good idea.

#316
Oh, you know what? This is so you.

#317
I tell you I need some help behind the bar.

#318
I finally find someone who's perfect and she practically works for free.

#319
'Cause she doesn't have the right measurements, you freak out.

#320
Oh, you just want somebody to do all the grunt work for you.

#321
- Shh! She's gonna hear you. - I don't care!

#322
Hey-oh! What's goin' on? Gotta pee.

#323
(door closes)

#324
- Hey, buddy? CHARLIE: Dennis!

#325
Wha... What's goin' on, man? You seem really happy.

#326
- Uh, I feel pretty happy. - Do you? What happened?

#327
- I think you know what happened. - Uh, I might. (urinating)

#328
Yeah. I think you do know. You talked to that waitress, right?

#329
- Yeah. - It totally worked. It totally...

#330
I don't know what you said, but we went out on this date.

#331
- She really likes me. Thank you. - You're welcome, man!

#332
- Yeah, you seem flush. You seem... - I feel like a...

#333
I feel like an ice cream sundae, you know? (laughs)

#334
That's great, man. That is terrific.

#335
It must really take your mind off things then, huh?

#336
Sure, yeah. What things?

#337
Well, you know, the... cancer. (urinating stops)

#338
(toilet flushes)

#339
Here's the thing though... about cancer. I don't have it.

#340
What?

#341
(chuckling) Mom, I'm telling you, this girl's amazing.

#342
Yeah, I got butterflies in my stomach.

#343
There's one little issue. Yeah. Oh!

#344
Oh, my God! I think you broke my nose!

#345
- That guy's beatin' on that chick! CARMEN: Oh, my God!

#346
Oh, no. You know what? It's a dude. Yeah, she has a penis. So it's okay.

#347
- Dude, isn't that a hate crime? - Shit, yeah, it's a hate crime!

#348
(whimpering)

#349
- How could you do this? - Oh, well, excuse me

#350
for bein' the most terrible man on the planet!

#351
- Oh, I'm a terrible man! - What are you doing? What is that?

#352
- We thought you're dying, Charlie. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

#353
- Who's we? - Me and Mac and Sweet Dee.

#354
Great. I told you not to tell anyone!

#355
Now I've to go into remission so they don't think I was lying.

#356
- You were lying! - Yeah. I lied to you, all right?

#357
Look. The girl, she wears a Lance Armstrong bracelet. Okay?

#358
So I tell you that I have cancer, right?

#359
Then you're gonna tell her. She's gonna feel sorry for me.

#360
We're gonna start dating. And that's the way that life works!

#361
- That was a horrible thing to do! - Well, I'm a bad guy then.

#362
- You are a bad guy! You lied to us. - All right, look at this.

#363
Sometimes you gotta crack a few eggs to make an omelet.

#364
You gotta crack a couple eggs to make an omelet?

#365
So you're throwing down life lessons now?

#366
- I'm throwin' down eggs! - Class is in session.

#367
- The teacher's teachin' class now! - I'm crackin' eggs of wisdom.

#368
Is that what you're doin'? Let me crack one more egg for you.

#369
Let me crack and egg and throw it in the omelet!

#370
The waitress doesn't even like you.

#371
We had to pay her $250 to have sex with you!

#372
A-ha! Because... (grunts)

#373
Sex?

#374
We didn't have sex.

#375
(sighs)

#376
Hey! Guess what, Dee. You're gonna love this.

#377
No, no, no. Give me a second here.

#378
Charlie was lying the whole time. He doesn't have cancer.

#379
How could you not tell me that you paid her to have sex with me?

#380
I don't understand how you could possibly be so...

#381
You can't lie about having cancer! It's not something you do!

#382
- We thought you were dying! - Guys, guys, guys, listen!

#383
You're never gonna believe what happened!

#384
I accidentally punched that tranny in the face, you know?

#385
These two guys started chasing me. Dee, get me a beer.

#386
It was unbelievable. I ran all the way here. Go.

#387
- Hey. - Hey.

#388
What the hell do you guys want?

#389
Well, it's funny. It's a, uh, it's a funny, funny thing.

#390
It's funny. Uh, we paid you $250 to sleep with Charlie and...

#391
And you never actually had sex with him.

#392
So we were wondering if we could get the 250 bucks back.

#393
If you could toss that back our way, that'd be great.

#394
(chuckling)

#395
(lock clicks)

#396
- Is it... Is it locked? - Yeah.

#397
She's probably gettin' the money though, right?

#398
MAC: Dennis!

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