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It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
» S01E05 — Gun Fever
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
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Season 1, Episode 5 — Gun Fever
#1
MAC: You're such a dildo, dude. DENNIS: Thanks, dude.
#2
That's a good way to start the day.
#3
Is that soy veggie health drink
#4
supposed to erase the damage you did to your liver last night?
#5
Is that coffee gonna help you forget that elephant you slept with?
#6
Come on. You don't have to be so judgmental.
#7
- She was gross, dude. - She wasn't that gross.
#8
Maybe if you lowered your standards a bit, you'd get laid more.
#9
- Give me a sip of this. - No!
#10
I just wanna try it.
#11
You do not get to taste my delicious healthy drink
#12
after making fun of it. - Why not? Just give it to me.
#13
'Cause I don't know what kind of diseases that girl had.
#14
She doesn't have any diseases!
#15
- Dude, she was really gross. DEE: Guys!
#16
- We got a real serious problem. - There's been a B&E, dude.
#17
ALL: A what? - A B&E, dude!
#18
- A B&E? - What does that mean?
#19
Somebody broke into the bar and stole our safe.
#20
- Breaking and entering. B&E. - What? No...
#21
- Are you serious? - My God!
#22
- When did this happen? - Last night, I guess.
#23
We just walked in this morning and found it like that.
#24
- Who locked up last night? - I did. The locks weren't broken.
#25
So somebody just waltzed in here and stole the safe?
#26
- Yeah, but it's not my fault. - How is it not your fault?
#27
- Well, it's somebody's fault. DEE: I know it's somebody's fault!
#28
- Well, it's somebody's fault! DEE: I know that!
#29
Guys! We're not gonna get anywhere yelling at each other.
#30
- We need to be rational. - All right.
#31
- It's clear what needs to happen. - What?
#32
We need to buy a gun.
#33
So what do you think?
#34
I think next time you boys ought to get the kind of safe
#35
that a relatively small man can't just carry away.
#36
But there's been a string of these robberies all over the area.
#37
- You don't have any leads or... - Not really.
#38
Not really. What in the hell does that even mean?
#39
How could there not be any leads? The guy must have left something.
#40
- People are working on it. - Hey, you guys.
#41
They're pretty sure it's the same guy
#42
who's been hitting all the bars around here.
#43
- We know, Charlie. - So we're done here, Harris.
#44
- What? So that's it? - Yeah.
#45
We'll call you if we come up with anything.
#46
- Well, thanks. - Yeah, thanks.
#47
Let's go get that gun.
#48
- No. Guns are not a good idea. - What?
#49
They're dangerous. Someone's gonna get hurt.
#50
- Yeah. Mac, no guns. - Guys, somebody stole our safe.
#51
Am I crazy? We need to be able to protect ourselves
#52
n case something like this happens again.
#53
Clearly, Philly's finest don't give a shit.
#54
Mac is absolutely right. What if one of us was here when it happened?
#55
- We would have been killed. - Come on. You don't know that.
#56
CHARLIE: Well... DEE: Come on.
#57
- Hey, babe. - Hey, Colin.
#58
- Was that law enforcement? - Yeah.
#59
- Is everything all right? - No. We got robbed last night.
#60
Shit! Are you kidding me? What happened?
#61
Remember the other day when you were making fun of us
#62
for having such a tiny safe? - That really sucks, guys.
#63
We have reservations at Guajino's at 12:00, and...
#64
- Yep. Just about... - Guys, it's a travesty. I'm sorry.
#65
(whispering) No guns.
#66
Dude, your sister has the worst taste in men.
#67
No shit. I hate that guy. He's like a full-on '80s movie stereotype.
#68
- Plus, he's a total player. - What do you mean?
#69
You don't know about this? My God!
#70
That guy's dated every hot bartender in town.
#71
I saw him a week ago with Wendy from Dirty Frank's.
#72
- Hand down the back of her pants. - Gross.
#73
- Very gross. - Whatever, dude. Charlie, close up.
#74
Dennis, let's go get us a gun.
#75
Do you really think they're gonna buy one?
#76
No. I mean, I told them not to,
#77
but Mac gets a boner every single time he thinks about a gun.
#78
- I think it's a great idea. - I'm sorry?
#79
I think it's really smart.
#80
Owning and knowing how to properly use a firearm
#81
s an important part of what makes this country great.
#82
Well, that's what I was trying to tell them...
#83
- To tell you the truth... - What?
#84
There's nothing sexier than when you're firing a gun.
#85
Actually, it really turns me on.
#86
That's exactly why I want you to teach me how to use one, sexy.
#87
- It would be my pleasure. - I think the pleasure is mine.
#88
You've got a poppy seed in your teeth.
#89
- Get it? - It's a big one.
#90
You might wanna go to the bathroom.
#91
CHARLIE: Yeah! Calm down! All right!
#92
- Hwang... You're just in time. - Charlie, my rent.
#93
- Okay, listen. - No! I cannot wait anymore!
#94
Don't come over here and just start yelling at me!
#95
(shouting indistinctly) Hwang... Wait!
#96
Let me go get something, and I'll fix it.
#97
All right, hurry up. Hurry up!
#98
I can't wait too long! Hwang not patient!
#99
- You getting my money? - Do you want a rice krispie treat?
#100
- $854 you owe me! - I realize how much money it is!
#101
I'm not gonna take it no more! I placed a couple bad investments!
#102
(shouting continues) (shouting) Hwang!
#103
I placed a couple of bad investments.
#104
- It could happen to anyone, right? - Okay.
#105
I'm going to get your...
#106
Goddamn money by the end of the month, okay?
#107
I come back tomorrow. I want my goddamn money!
#108
- Yeah, tomorrow. - I want my money!
#109
(indistinct shouting)
#110
Dickhead!
#111
We're gonna be very careful about this, right?
#112
We'll stash it right here just in case we need it.
#113
Until then, we don't go near it.
#114
Hopefully, we never have to pick it up again.
#115
Hopefully.
#116
- You wanna shoot it? - Yes.
#117
- Yeah! - Yes!
#118
How do you like me now, log? You totally killed that log, dude.
#119
I totally killed it. I always knew that I'd be good at this stuff.
#120
- You're a really good shot, Dennis. - Thanks, bro.
#121
- You're pretty good, too, hoss. - You hit the log a bunch of times.
#122
If that log was trying to rob the place, you would have killed it.
#123
- I would have killed it! - You totally would have killed it.
#124
- You wanna shoot it some more? - Yeah!
#125
- Can I load it up though? - Absolutely! You like the sound.
#126
- I like the sound of the clip. - Hey!
#127
- What the hell are you guys doing? - Charlie, check it out.
#128
- No... - Check it out.
#129
- That's not fun! That's not a toy. - Come on, Charlie.
#130
I'm serious, man. You shouldn't be playing around with guns.
#131
First, we need to open the bar. We got robbed.
#132
Hwang is all over my ass because of rent.
#133
- You wanna hold it? - No.
#134
- Come on, Charlie. Just hold it. - I wanna open the bar.
#135
- Charlie, hold it for a little bit. - No, I don't wanna hold it.
#136
Give me the gun. Fine. Yes. I'll hold the gun. Good. Nice.
#137
Really nice feel to it. That's really good.
#138
- Is this thing loaded? - It can be.
#139
- That's my boy! - That's amazing!
#140
- Yeah. Can you feel it? - You bet I can feel it!
#141
- Describe what you feel. - I feel like... I feel focused.
#142
I feel badass and just badass, you know?
#143
- I think he's got it, Mac. - Yes, he does.
#144
- Got what? - My boy, you've got the gun fever.
#145
That's what I'm talking about.
#146
- You seeing this? - Yeah.
#147
- That is sexy. - Yep, totally.
#148
- You feeling sexy? - I don't know.
#149
It's all right to be nervous. Everyone's nervous their first time.
#150
But I promise you, once you put your hand around this,
#151
you are gonna love it.
#152
Actually, I've got something I think you'll love.
#153
I'd rather watch you shoot the gun here.
#154
- What if I... Okay. - Just shoot the gun, Dee.
#155
Why would I not be serious?
#156
All right. Thanks, Detective.
#157
- Nothing? - No, nothing.
#158
I don't think they're taking this seriously on any level, dude.
#159
Of course they're not, dude. This is what I'm talking about.
#160
These cops don't give a shit about us.
#161
I think it's time we took matters into our own hands.
#162
How?
#163
Maybe we should do a little investigating of our own.
#164
Do some snooping around, try to crack the case.
#165
- We got the gun. - That's true.
#166
- Wanna go shoot it some more? - Yes!
#167
Let's do that.
#168
- What the hell? - What?
#169
- Dude, the gun's not here. - Holy shit!
#170
Look!
#171
- Charlie? - Charlie.
#172
Yeah, I got the gun.
#173
MAC: Why, Charlie? It's supposed to be here to protect the bar.
#174
- Yeah, I know. I just... - You just what?
#175
I just needed it.
#176
- Is this the gun fever talking? - No.
#177
I don't have the gun fever, man. Look, I'm coming in to work later.
#178
- I'll bring it with me. - I don't like the sound of this.
#179
(pounding on door) I gotta go. I'll see you guys at the bar.
#180
He hung up.
#181
(pounding continues) All right! I'm coming! Dammit!
#182
Hang on a second there. (pounding continues)
#183
- Hey, Hwang. - So you got my money now?
#184
I got some rice krispie treats in the fridge. You want some more?
#185
(chuckles)
#186
Charlie, I don't like you. I never liked you.
#187
So just give me my money, or Hwang will be forced to...
#188
(sighs) I'm sorry. Forced to...
#189
What you doing? What's that?
#190
So, listen, Hwang.
#191
Let me talk to you about your money for a second.
#192
I don't have it right now. I just don't have it.
#193
But I'm gonna get it, because I have my ways.
#194
Do you know what I mean when I say I have my ways?
#195
What is that? Is that a yes?
#196
(laughs) Hwang... Sometimes I can't understand you.
#197
You're talking, but I don't understand you.
#198
So say yes if you know what I mean when I say I have my ways.
#199
- Yes. - Good boy. Get lost.
#200
(whistling) (trilling)
#201
(shudders) (gags)
#202
So we got the binoculars. We got the ziplock baggies.
#203
We got the maglite.
#204
I think as soon as Charlie gets here with the gun, we're all set.
#205
This is great, dude. We're like the Hardy Boys.
#206
- Okay. - So I'll be Frank. You be Joe.
#207
'Cause Frank was kind of the leader, and that makes a little more sense.
#208
- Didn't Frank have the blond hair? - Yeah, but...
#209
So I should be Frank 'cause I have lighter...
#210
The hair color doesn't matter. It's about who's making the plans.
#211
If we're gonna play Frank and Joe Hardy...
#212
But I'm the leader clearly in this partnership!
#213
- Why are we talking about this? - We have a lot of work to do.
#214
- What's the first step? - I'm the leader. Great. Let's roll.
#215
Wait, no. We can't go. What are you doing?
#216
We gotta open up the bar.
#217
Or we could call your sister to do her job,
#218
that is, if she's not having sex with Colin
#219
and every other bartender in Philadelphia.
#220
- Don't do that. It's gross. - We need to jump on this.
#221
- Let's go do some investigating. - All right.
#222
- Wait a second. - What?
#223
Holy shit! I know who stole our safe.
#224
- You do? - Yeah. Let's go get that gun.
#225
Yeah, let's get the gun. Wait. Bag...
#226
- I'm driving. - Okay. No, I'm driving.
#227
I hope Charlie didn't do anything stupid.
#228
Whatever Charlie's doing now, it's probably pretty stupid.
#229
Let's just hope nobody got hurt.
#230
- Yo. - Hey, dude.
#231
- Hey, guys. - Can we get that gun?
#232
Oh. Why?
#233
First of all, we shouldn't have to tell you why.
#234
We bought it. It's ours. But if you must know,
#235
t's because we know who knocked over the bar.
#236
- Really? - Yeah.
#237
- Can we get the gun? - Why?
#238
Because we know who... You know what, dude? Move.
#239
This place is a shit-hole, Charlie. It smells.
#240
So, don't you wanna know who did it?
#241
- Yeah. Who was it? - Colin.
#242
Yeah. Think about it. It all makes sense.
#243
Colin goes around town with every hot bartender chick, right?
#244
He woos them with his charm and his good looks.
#245
He finds out where the safes are. He finds out how to get in.
#246
You remember when Sweet Dee said that he was laughing
#247
about how small the safe was?
#248
You saw how quickly he changed the subject
#249
when she brought that safe up. - Right. So what's the plan?
#250
I'll slide the gun meaningfully into the front of my pants.
#251
I know that game. (chuckles)
#252
- So why don't you go get it? - Go get the gun!
#253
All right. Here. Do you want it? (sighs)
#254
Hey, Dee. Are you with Colin right now?
#255
No. He had to meet someone at Fingers Bar?
#256
Okay.
#257
Why don't you take the night off? You deserve it.
#258
You're welcome. Bye.
#259
- You ready? - Ready, Freddy.
#260
It goes... Stick it back in...
#261
DENNIS: What a penis! - Like you wouldn't do such a thing?
#262
- Come on. Let's nail this prick. - Wait. Hold on a second.
#263
- Didn't Fingers already get robbed? - Yeah.
#264
So what's this guy doing, going in for round two?
#265
- I don't know. Can we do this? - Wait. Hold on.
#266
Do you think he'd be dumb enough to rob the same bar twice?
#267
- Yeah, I do. - Me, too.
#268
All right, change of plans. Leave the gun.
#269
I'm gonna get this asshole to hit Paddy's again.
#270
Follow my lead. I'm the leader.
#271
- Hey, Colin! - Colin!
#272
- What are you doing here? - Hey, fellas.
#273
- Didn't expect to see you here. - Yeah. Actually, I was leaving.
#274
- Leaving? - Having a little drink?
#275
- Couple drinks? - Yeah. Just a little drink.
#276
What's up, man? You seem like the cat who ate the canary.
#277
(nervous chuckle) No, I didn't expect to see you guys here.
#278
- Why? - I thought you'd be at Paddy's.
#279
Paddy's, no. We actually closed up shop for the night.
#280
Yeah. Thought we'd get wasted here instead.
#281
Just a little freaked out about the robbery.
#282
But, actually, funny story.
#283
Turns out the dickhead didn't actually get all of our money.
#284
We actually keep it in the register instead of the safe.
#285
So the stupid asshole didn't even think to look there, right?
#286
- What a cock! - What an idiot!
#287
- What a total idiot, right? - Boner, really.
#288
- Schmuck. - Stupid idiot.
#289
Yeah, so as soon as we get some new locks, we should be all set.
#290
So we're just probably gonna hop in here...
#291
- Grab a couple drinks here tonight. - Yeah, get wasted. Pass out.
#292
Or walk home with a couple of hot waitresses.
#293
- Right, Colin? - Yeah, totally. Yeah.
#294
All right, don't wanna keep you. We'll see you later.
#295
- You look spiffy, bro. - Yeah, you look good.
#296
- Maybe you guys should get a gun. - What?
#297
Dee was saying that you were thinking about getting a gun.
#298
I think it's a good idea. Good protection. I...
#299
I keep one on me all the time.
#300
I don't know. Think about it.
#301
- Absolutely. - Enjoy your drinky.
#302
We will. See you later. Have a good night, bro.
#303
- He's got a gun at all times. - From now on, so will we.
#304
Dude, you just laid it on way too thick back there.
#305
There's no way he's gonna hit Paddy's again tonight.
#306
- He'd have to be a moron. - He is a moron. He'll be there.
#307
Hey, Dee. Yeah, listen. There's a change of plans.
#308
I need you to meet us at Paddy's tonight after all.
#309
Something you need to see.
#310
- Why did you bring me into this? - You'll see.
#311
Did you turn off the circuit breaker?
#312
We're all set. Check.
#313
(cocking gun) What the hell was that?
#314
- Did you just cock back the hammer? - No.
#315
- You guys have a gun? - We're not shooting anybody.
#316
- I know. - You're not shooting anyone!
#317
- I don't want to shoot anyone! - You better not shoot anybody.
#318
- I don't have... - I should be holding the gun.
#319
- I put this whole thing together. - I shot the log way more times!
#320
- This is so bad. - I'm the one who has better aim!
#321
(door opening) What? Is he here?
#322
There he is. Okay. What's he doing?
#323
He's walking toward the cash register.
#324
- He looks shady. - Yeah. That's him.
#325
(tapping keys on register) That's it. Do the flashlight.
#326
(flashlight drops) Turn the flashlight on!
#327
- I can't reach it! - No! He's getting away!
#328
- Shoot him! - What?
#329
- Shoot him in his face! - Shit!
#330
(shouting) Shit!
#331
- Did you get him? CHARLIE: I'm shot!
#332
- Charlie? My God! MAC: My God!
#333
Turn on the circuit breaker!
#334
- Did you shoot me, Dennis? - No, I...
#335
- Why did you shoot me? - My God! Dude, are you okay?
#336
- Where are you shot? - In my head!
#337
What? My God! I shot you in your head. I'm so sorry.
#338
- Is he okay? - No! He shot me in my head!
#339
- It must have just grazed his head. - You shot him in the head, bro!
#340
If I shot him in the head, he'd be dead, Mac.
#341
CHARLIE: It really hurts! I gotta go to a hospital!
#342
All right, man. I'll call an ambulance.
#343
The hospital's three blocks away. We should just drive him!
#344
I know that. But I don't wanna get blood stains all over my car.
#345
Are you serious? (Charlie shouting)
#346
All right! I'll take you to a hospital! God!
#347
Get a trash bag. We'll put it over him.
#348
- I can't believe you shot Charlie. - Don't start this again!
#349
- You almost killed our best friend. - You told me to shoot Charlie!
#350
You guys told me to shoot Charlie.
#351
The minute the shit hits the fan,
#352
you guys are, like, "Dennis, don't shoot the gun!"
#353
You told me to shoot him in the face!
#354
I didn't say that!
#355
(arguing continues)
#356
Hey, there he is. How you feeling, buddy?
#357
You shot me, dude.
#358
You were stealing from the bar. It was an honest mistake.
#359
I still kind of wish you didn't shoot me.
#360
If you needed help with money, why didn't you talk to us?
#361
- Yeah, man. - I had it all worked out.
#362
I was gonna make it look like all the other robberies.
#363
Then we would collect some insurance money and...
#364
Wow, dude. That's really just goddamn ridiculous.
#365
- That is so dumb. - I thought it was the best idea.
#366
No, it's not at all. But you know what?
#367
Listen. The important thing is that you are all right.
#368
We decided we need to get rid of that gun.
#369
Yeah, we're getting rid of the gun.
#370
You could've been killed. Dennis could've killed you.
#371
Good. Yes. I think that would be for the best.
#372
- Dee, could you get me a nurse? - Yeah, sure.
#373
Tell me we're not getting rid of that gun.
#374
- No way! - Never.
#375
Sweet.
#376
No, he's fine. It turns out it just kind of grazed his head.
#377
COLIN: That's great news, babe.
#378
Thank you so much for calling. You are so sweet, Colin.
#379
I guess I'm just a sweet guy.
#380
- Well, I'll see you tomorrow? - You will.
#381
- Okay. Good night. - Dream of me.
#382
Idiots.
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