Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S01E06 — The Gang Finds a Dead Guy

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 1, Episode 6 — The Gang Finds a Dead Guy

#1
DEE: You're being ridiculous. He's a professional football player.

#2
MAC: No, I'm not talking about killing the guy.

#3
I'm talking about going up there with a group of dudes,

#4
and intimidate him, maybe break his arm.

#5
- You can't break Tom Brady's arm. - Yes, I can.

#6
No more Super Bowls for that pretty boy.

#7
Let me tell you something with absolute honesty and concern

#8
for your well-being. Tom Brady would kick your ass.

#9
- What the hell is that? - Who locked up last night?

#10
- Charlie. - He needs to pay attention.

#11
- Who is this? - I don't know. I've never seen him.

#12
Can you get him out of here? He stinks.

#13
Let's go. My God. He shit his pants, Dee.

#14
I don't wanna know that. (Mac groans)

#15
I'm gonna poke him with this.

#16
Get up, old man. This isn't the American Legion. Wake up! Yo!

#17
- What's the matter? - He won't wake up.

#18
Poke him harder in his ribs.

#19
Wake up, old man. Wake up!

#20
Holy shit. That bitch is dead.

#21
This ought to do wonders for business.

#22
- How could you let this happen? - What? It's not my fault.

#23
The guy orders a drink, sits down,

#24
I don't see him again for the rest of the night.

#25
What are we gonna do about this booth?

#26
There's piss and shit everywhere. All the death germs.

#27
Plus, that guy was so old. Old people are gross.

#28
- I'll get the gasoline. - We're not gonna burn it.

#29
Come on, dude. You never let me burn anything.

#30
Maybe we should close to fumigate or something.

#31
No. We can't do that.

#32
We can't let anybody know. We'll never live it down.

#33
Are we gonna serve drinks here today?

#34
I don't think the board of health will be too keen on that, Mac.

#35
Do you see any representatives from the board of health here?

#36
Let's just clean up the mess and act like it never happened.

#37
- I'm not getting near that booth. - Me neither.

#38
I can't believe you guys are making me do this.

#39
I can't believe you left a dead guy in the bar overnight.

#40
So I guess we're even.

#41
Charlie, the EMT said he had a heart attack, not Ebola.

#42
- Do you wanna do this? - No.

#43
Then don't question my methods.

#44
Charlie! Stop! Goddamn it.

#45
We need to isolate the area.

#46
You're just gonna spread whatever parts of him decomposed overnight.

#47
- No. - What, are you a scientist, dude?

#48
- A scientist? - That's science talk.

#49
DENNIS: Science talk? What the hell is science talk?

#50
- I'm sorry. We're closed. - No, we're not.

#51
- How you doing? - I'm looking for the owner.

#52
- That's me... DENNIS: Actually, I'm the owner.

#53
- But I could help her out. - I own the place though.

#54
- Yeah, but we own it together. - No. What can I help you with?

#55
My name is Rebecca Keane.

#56
I was notified that my grandfather died here last night.

#57
I'm so sorry.

#58
- That's really horrible. - I'm sorry for your loss.

#59
I just wanted to see where he spent his last night.

#60
That would be somewhere in this vicinity over here.

#61
- God... - Are you all right?

#62
Yeah, I'm okay. I really didn't know him that well actually.

#63
He didn't have any other family, so the police called me.

#64
- That's so sad. - Yeah.

#65
I guess I was a little curious. He's my grandfather.

#66
And I know nothing about him.

#67
- Yeah. Well, he was a great man. - Really?

#68
Yeah, just a very warm and gentle soul, actually.

#69
So you knew him?

#70
Yeah, I wouldn't actually say that I knew him all that well.

#71
- But we did... - I knew him pretty well.

#72
Yeah, we got pretty close near the end there.

#73
REBECCA: Wow, really? - I knew him, too. I just meant...

#74
He didn't know him as well as I did though.

#75
Well, listen, I should go. I have to get back to work.

#76
- I just wanted to stop in. - Of course.

#77
Listen, if you ever wanna stop by,

#78
I could tell you some stories about your grandfather

#79
that you would not believe.

#80
I'll make myself available as well.

#81
Don't worry about it. Yeah, any time.

#82
- Okay. Thanks. - Yeah, of course.

#83
MAC: Bye.

#84
- What are you doing, dude? - What?

#85
- You're totally blowing up my spot. - I'm not blowing up your spot.

#86
You can't just claim the girl for yourself.

#87
- She's way out of your league. - Out of my league?

#88
- She's out of your league. - Hey, guys!

#89
A man died here yesterday. His family just abandoned him.

#90
Could we think about that for one second?

#91
Why the hell would we want to think about that?

#92
Really depressing, Dee.

#93
It just makes me think about Pop-Pop is all.

#94
Pop-Pop is an asshole. And I'm placing my bets

#95
that that girl's grandfather is an asshole, too.

#96
People don't just abandon their parents for no good reason.

#97
Dude, have you ever been to a nursing home?

#98
People abandon their parents all the time.

#99
It's a sad, throwaway culture we live in.

#100
(knocking)

#101
- Hey, Charlie. Can I come in? - Hi. Yeah, sure.

#102
Thank you.

#103
Your place is looking good.

#104
Yeah. I've been doing some rearranging.

#105
- So you wanna have a seat? - No, I don't.

#106
Charlie, your... Listen, I wanted to ask you a favor.

#107
Will you go to the nursing home with me to see my grandfather?

#108
- Dennis won't go. - Dennis won't go?

#109
- No, he won't go. I know. - What a jerk.

#110
And I haven't seen him since I was really little.

#111
And he's stuck in that nursing home.

#112
And I don't wanna wait until it's too late and then regret it.

#113
Why don't you just go by yourself? (sighs)

#114
I have a little bit of a problem with old people.

#115
Sounds a little mean, but I find them of creepy and scary.

#116
And gross. I think they're gross. It's their hands mostly.

#117
You know, how you can see right through them.

#118
- Their inside business is... - I'll go with you,

#119
but you have to let me borrow your car any time I want.

#120
No.

#121
- Every now and then. - No.

#122
- One time. And... - All right.

#123
You have to take me to lunch twice a week for a year.

#124
- No, I don't. - Once a week.

#125
- Today. Great. - Okay.

#126
- I can get hot chicks, dude. - Mac, don't embarrass yourself.

#127
I will always win in these circumstances.

#128
You will not, dude. She's coming over here to see me.

#129
She's coming over here to see you because you answered the phone.

#130
That's just semantics, bro. I have a real shot with this chick.

#131
You can't beat me here. I will always win in these circumstances.

#132
I will one-up you. I'm sharper than you.

#133
- You're not sharper. Shut up. - You shut up.

#134
- Hi, guys. Is this a bad time? BOTH: Hey.

#135
No, this is a great time. We were just...

#136
We were talking about your grandfather.

#137
Emotions are running very high around here today.

#138
Yeah, it's been a difficult couple of days for me.

#139
Yeah, I try not to think about me though

#140
n circumstances like this. More importantly, how are you?

#141
CHARLIE: You look like you're gonna pass out.

#142
I don't think I can do this. I'm not kidding.

#143
- Come on. You're gonna be fine. - My God. Look at that one.

#144
Hey. They have ears, all right? Listen to me, Dee.

#145
The slow and painful crawl to death is an inevitable part of life.

#146
So just embrace it, all right?

#147
Wait. It's really creepy in here. What is that very bad smell?

#148
It's probably urine and maybe some feces.

#149
17-D, right? This is your Pop-Pop's door.

#150
Just hold on a second.

#151
What if he asks us to help him go to the bathroom?

#152
Are you kidding me? Come on.

#153
A lot of people lead perfectly normal lives in nursing homes.

#154
Jesus! He doesn't even look like a real person.

#155
- Should we go wake him up? - No! I don't know. Let's go.

#156
No, we can't go. We came all the way down here.

#157
Let's just... (coughing)

#158
(wheezing) I need some air.

#159
What? No. Do not leave me here alone, cause I can't...

#160
Dennis...

#161
- Dennis... - This is awkward. I'm not...

#162
Dennis, come here. I've been waiting.

#163
A long time for this moment, Dennis.

#164
- Okay. You have? - Yeah.

#165
My only grandson finally come to see me. Come close.

#166
My eyesight's not so good.

#167
You're lot shorter than I thought you'd wind up.

#168
Yeah, well, I'm actually still growing, so...

#169
- You want some candy? - No, I'm good. Thanks.

#170
- Eat the damn candy! - Okay. Candy.

#171
(chuckling)

#172
These people in here... They've stolen everything from me.

#173
- They have? - What do you expect from Jews?

#174
(scoffs) Jews...

#175
Maybe I should go and check on Dee, because...

#176
No, leave her be. I'm sure she'll be fine.

#177
(screaming)

#178
I'm an old man. And as you can see, I don't have much time left.

#179
- I need your help. - No...

#180
I mean, I'm not very comfortable with that.

#181
I don't even know which one of these things I would unplug.

#182
No, you idiot!

#183
I don't need you to kill me. I need you to help me.

#184
Okay.

#185
You probably don't know this

#186
because that bastard father of yours didn't tell you,

#187
but I was a war hero. - Really?

#188
I wanna be buried in my uniform.

#189
And I don't trust any of these kikes in here

#190
to take care of that.

#191
All the belongings from that part of my life are in a box

#192
at the Roxborough Storage Facility.

#193
I need you to pick it up and bring it here.

#194
Okay, sure. Yeah, I could do that.

#195
And I need you to keep it as a secret between you and me.

#196
Okay.

#197
So listen, I have a favor to ask you guys.

#198
That's cool. Anything, yeah.

#199
You can talk to me, 'cause I get things done, so...

#200
I'm in charge of putting together a memorial service for him,

#201
but I can't seem to find anyone else who really knew him that well.

#202
Yeah. That might be difficult to do, actually.

#203
It's not gonna be a problem. I knew a lot of his friends.

#204
Yeah, Den. But it might be hard to find friends.

#205
- It's not gonna be hard for me. - That would be so amazing.

#206
- Would you like another drink? - No, we're fine.

#207
(knocking)

#208
- I need your car. - I wasn't serious about that.

#209
- No. Go get it. You promised. - Fine.

#210
- Where you going? - Going back to see Pop-Pop.

#211
What are you talking about? You're going without me?

#212
You can't do that. He's my Pop-Pop.

#213
I'm the one who's supposed to feel better about myself.

#214
- I'm going with you. - You can't actually,

#215
because it's just supposed to be me and him.

#216
- But I wanna see my Pop-Pop. - Take the bus.

#217
Jesus, Dennis. This is just goddamn shady.

#218
If you wanna back out now, be my guest.

#219
I'd be happy to take all the credit for this. I'm not backing down.

#220
All right. Hey, pal.

#221
- Would you like to make 20 bucks? - Sure.

#222
Got some nicer clothes?

#223
Right.

#224
Holy shit.

#225
Okay, guys. Have fun. Mingle.

#226
- Hey, guys. - Hey, Rebecca.

#227
I see you brought some of my grandfather's friends.

#228
He loved those guys.

#229
So I was wondering if maybe you guys could say something.

#230
Maybe tell a funny story about him or something.

#231
Yeah. No, absolutely. I've got something prepared.

#232
If that's okay. Mac, did you prepare... No.

#233
Sorry. I totally forgot. He's a terrible public speaker.

#234
He gets really flustered and he clams up

#235
and his third-grade stutter comes back.

#236
(cell phone rings) It's adorable. Is that your phone?

#237
Yeah.

#238
- Gonna answer that? - I don't wanna be rude.

#239
The ringer's going off in the middle of a funeral.

#240
It's got to be pretty important, right?

#241
Excuse me.

#242
Charlie, what do you want?

#244
I can't, dude. I'm in the middle of something.

#246
- It's an emergency! - Fine.

#247
- I got to go. It's an emergency. - You got to leave? That's a shame.

#248
- So can I borrow your car, or what? - You've been drinking.

#249
(scoffs)

#250
He's a good guy. He's just... Got a bit of a drinking problem.

#251
CHARLIE: Who is it? - It's Mac. This better be good.

#252
Holy shit!

#253
- This is unbelievable! CHARLIE: I know that!

#254
There are so many medals in there! This guy was probably king Nazi.

#255
- How is this even possible? - It's possible.

#256
They came on boats or whatever, but they're here.

#257
Hold on. This could just be collector's crap.

#258
No. Look at that! (Mac laughs)

#259
- He looks exactly like Dennis. - I know.

#260
So here's the deal.

#261
He wants me to take all this shit to him

#262
so he can be buried in it or something.

#263
Buried in it? Screw that old bitch. He's a Nazi.

#264
Let him die and burn in hell. Let's sell this shit on eBay.

#265
No, I thought about that though. I think it's Illegal.

#266
Or maybe a little bit immoral.

#267
- We could sell it to a museum. - I could live with that.

#268
Lionel Keane.

#269
(chuckles)

#270
As we all know, Lionel could be a bit of a curmudgeon.

#271
But he had the heart of a lion.

#272
I'll tell you a story about him.

#273
It was Christmas Eve last year and...

#274
... I was at Lionel's house, making him dinner.

#275
And we got to talking about the spirit of giving.

#276
And I said, "Lionel, why are we just talking about it?

#277
"Let's put the spirit into action. Let's go down to the mission."

#278
Lionel said, "Great. That's a great idea, Dennis."

#279
So we did, we went down there.

#280
And not only did we feed every last poor, miserable, precious soul,

#281
but we washed the feet of every man, woman and child there.

#282
In the spirit of Christ.

#283
And that was Lionel. Lionel Keane.

#284
Lionel the lion.

#285
- Sorry to keep you waiting. - Not a problem at all.

#286
- How can I help you? - We're going to make your day.

#287
Is that right?

#288
We've gotten our hands on a little something

#289
that we like to think is an important part of human history

#290
and needs to be in this museum.

#291
Mac, if you will.

#292
What in the hell is that?

#293
This, my friend, is an authentic Nazi officer's uniform circa 1942.

#294
Notice the stitching and fine attention to detail.

#295
Where did you get this?

#296
Let's just say it found its way to us and leave it at that.

#297
Okay. I find this offensive for so many reasons.

#298
I'm guessing you acquired this through illegal means.

#299
For me to take this from you would be an extension of that.

#300
And secondly, that you would expect it would "make my day"

#301
assumes that I'm interested in profiting

#302
off the murder of millions of innocent people.

#303
- How much will you give us for it? - Nothing.

#304
Nothing, or...

#305
I plan to call the police the minute you guys leave my office.

#306
- Hey, Pop-Pop. - Deandra?

#307
What are you doing here? Where's Dennis?

#308
I just came by myself.

#309
Well, do you know where Dennis is?

#310
He was supposed to be here hours ago.

#311
No. Pop-Pop, it's just me.

#312
I thought that you and I could spend some time together,

#313
so I brought a couple books that I could read to you.

#314
Okay, fine. Come here and sit down.

#315
Yeah.

#316
(clears throat) No.

#317
Why don't you come closer so I can get a good look at you?

#318
- Come here. - Okay, that's fine.

#319
- Sure. - Good idea.

#320
Come here. A little closer. Come here.

#321
Come on.

#322
Now I remember how beautiful you are.

#323
And look at these wrinkled old hands against your young face.

#324
And these teeth. Look how straight and white.

#325
(coughing) Is there a bathroom around here?

#326
Yeah. Right down the hall.

#327
(vomits)

#328
CHARLIE: We're doing the right thing here, man.

#329
But it just seems like a waste of a perfectly good Nazi uniform.

#330
No. If we sell it, we run the risk of going to jail.

#331
And if we keep it, we don't get anything,

#332
so we may as well burn it. - That's true.

#333
- It is always fun to burn things. - Yeah, it is.

#334
And we probably shouldn't let Dennis know about his grandfather anyway.

#335
It might just screw with his head.

#336
- Yeah, get it going. - All right. Get on.

#338
(laughs)

#339
- So it's all in there, right? - Yeah.

#340
- You didn't keep anything, or... - No. Did you?

#341
(scoffs) - No, dude. - Okay.

#342
- Hey, guys. - Hey, bro.

#343
What's up? What you burning?

#344
- Burning some trash. - Awesome.

#345
You wanna hear what happened with that girl?

#346
- No. No, I don't, dude. - No?

#347
- No. - Come on.

#348
- No, I don't care. - Yeah, you do. Of course you care.

#349
- I don't wanna hear it! - Yeah, you do.

#350
You know what, bro? I'm sorry. You win. Okay?

#351
I give up. You won. You're the better man.

#352
No, you don't give up. See, I won fair and square.

#353
We went head-to-head, and I came out the better man,

#354
just as I predicted I would.

#355
So we went back to her house, and we made sweet, passionate love.

#356
- Great. - Yeah.

#357
Great for you. You must be really proud of yourself.

#358
Awesome. Your grandfather's a Nazi.

#360
But let me ask you a couple questions.

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