Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S01E07 — Charlie Got Molested

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 1, Episode 7 — Charlie Got Molested

#1
(pool balls clacking)

#2
DENNIS: On the side. CHARLIE: You didn't do that

#3
on purpose otherwise that would've been a great shot.

#4
DENNIS: Watch this. Side pocket.

#5
- Holy shit! - What?

#6
"Christopher Murray, a teacher at St. Vincent's Elementary,

#7
"has been accused of sexually abusing two former students."

#8
St. Vincent's? That's that school you went to, right, Mac?

#9
- Yeah, me and Charlie. - What else does it say?

#10
"Murray has been the physical education teacher

#11
"and boys' basketball coach for close to 25 years."

#12
Blah, blah, blah.

#13
"The accusers are two brothers whose names are being withheld,

#14
"but the investigation will focus on the mid-1980s

#15
"as the time period for alleged abuse.

#16
"The police are hoping more young men will come forward."

#17
- Wow. That's horrible. - Did this guy teach you guys?

#18
- Yeah. - No.

#19
Yes, he did. We were in the same class.

#20
No. Yeah. Well, no, I didn't like it, though.

#21
What the hell are you talking about?

#22
I didn't like that class.

#23
- What? - I gotta go!

#24
Holy shit.

#25
Charlie got molested.

#26
When dealing with molestation,

#27
the first step is always understanding.

#28
So we need to take a moment and assess the situation.

#29
- Write this down. - What? No, look.

#30
First of all, we can't sit around and let him wallow in it.

#31
And second of all, the first step is acknowledgment.

#32
- So I better write that down. - No. No, no.

#33
What... Guys! What the hell are you guys talking about?

#34
Mac, Sweet Dee and I took psychology at Penn, so let the grown-ups talk.

#35
Okay? Thank you.

#36
DEE: Listen, I think we need to have an intervention.

#37
You know, bring his friends and family together for support.

#38
Yeah, that's a good idea.

#39
Let's tell everybody Charlie knows that he got blown by a gym teacher.

#40
Then we'll throw him a little surprise party,

#41
celebrate the occasion. - Okay, you know what?

#42
You being a smart-ass, not helping Charlie in this situation.

#43
Whoa, whoa. Who said anything about getting blown?

#44
The article didn't specify what type of abuse it was.

#45
- It could have been anything, dude. - But do you think he got blown?

#46
- I don't know. - Yeah. Probably got blown.

#47
Which is why I think you need to reconsider my idea.

#48
- Okay. You know what? - Stop. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

#49
We need to clarify something here.

#50
Do you think that Murray blew these guys?

#51
Why are you so obsessed with the blowing aspect of all this?

#52
Because I knew these two brothers that the article was talking about.

#53
The McPoyle twins, Ryan and Liam. Okay?

#54
They were the type of kids that would blow snot bubbles

#55
and rub 'em over each other. They were gross,

#56
and they smelled like a couple of unwiped assholes.

#57
DENNIS: So what? - Well, you know,

#58
f Murray is, like, fondling or touching them,

#59
whatever, I get it, all right?

#60
But if he's dishing out blow jobs, come on.

#61
- I just don't understand. - What do you not get?

#62
- What are you talking about? - You're not getting this?

#63
I was in that class with them, all right?

#64
I was with those guys! (sighs)

#65
- Um, are you okay, dude? - No, dude. I'm not okay.

#66
How come you're getting so upset?

#67
The police are asking for more young men to come forward.

#68
You know, that means there are more guys out there who've been blown.

#69
- What are you looking for? - Photographs.

#70
- I have photographs. - Oh, my God.

#71
- You have photographs of it? - Oh! Okay.

#72
Uh, listen, are you trying to say that you got molested?

#73
Okay, look at this. Look at this guy, huh?

#74
I was cute. I was energetic. I was fun.

#75
I mean, what exactly was this prick looking for?

#76
- What are you... - Sorry?

#77
(sighs) If the McPoyles got blown and Charlie got blown,

#78
then why didn't I get blown?

#79
- You're goin' to hell, dude. - Seriously.

#80
(knocking) Yo! McPoyle!

#81
Hey, open up!

#82
Hey, Charlie. Long time no see. What do you want?

#83
Is your brother here, man? I gotta talk to you guys.

#84
- Yeah? - Yeah! Can I come in?

#85
Yeah.

#86
Come on, man. I need to talk to you guys. Go. Move. Go.

#87
Go. Come on.

#88
I'm not gonna walk in front of you! Go.

#89
- Just come in. - No, you go first,

#90
and I will follow you. - Shut the door.

#91
I will shut the door.

#92
- Whoa. That was really weird. - Yeah.

#93
Well, this confirms it. He definitely got molested.

#94
Ugh. We gotta get in there.

#95
- Get... We gotta get in there? - Yes.

#96
You can't just thrust yourself in the position of caregiver like that.

#97
"Caregiver"? Why are you throwing around big words?

#98
- I actually majored in psych, so... - You failed all your classes.

#99
I had a minor, and I passed all mine. So I can...

#100
Okay. Well, you know what? Three-quarters of a major

#101
s a lot bigger than a whole minor.

#102
I don't even know how to respond to that.

#103
- That doesn't surprise me. - Well, it shouldn't,

#104
because what you said is really dumb, you know.

#105
- That's a good one. That was good. - Yeah, it is.

#106
- I liked that one. - I felt good about it.

#107
(country music playing)

#108
So, did you want a beverage of some kind?

#109
- No! Where's your brother? - We just stepped out of the shower.

#110
- He'll be down in a minute. - All right. Listen,

#111
you guys can't go... Did you just say, "we"?

#112
- What? - Did you just say,

#113
"we just stepped out of the shower"?

#114
I said, "he".

#115
Right. Okay. Listen.

#116
I heard about the Coach Murray thing.

#117
You guys cannot go to the police and say that he molested you.

#118
- Why not? - Because he didn't molest you!

#119
That's true, but he's a dick, and we hated him.

#120
This is our chance for revenge. You want in?

#121
- No! RYAN: I think you do.

#122
- Hello, Charlie. - Hello, Ryan.

#123
I don't know if you've been paying attention to the news recently,

#124
but there are millions to be made here, my friend.

#125
Oh, sure, there's the classic route of priest molestation,

#126
but we thought we'd mix it up a bit.

#127
We're going after the whole damn school board.

#128
If you want in on the team,

#129
we could probably get a nice class-action suit going.

#130
(spraying) (scoffs) Okay.

#131
Okay, first of all, there are people out there

#132
who actually have been molested.

#133
And you guys are gonna exploit that for your own personal gain?

#134
You assholes are securing your place in hell.

#135
We thought about it. We're willing to roll the dice.

#136
All right. I won't let you do it. I'm gonna call the cops.

#137
Oh, no, you won't, Charlie.

#138
- Oh, yes, I will. - Oh, my friend, I'm afraid not.

#139
And why not?

#140
'Cause we'll tell the cops the whole thing was your idea.

#141
We should tell the cops that that fat dickhead gym teacher

#142
we had in junior high molested us,

#143
and just sue the shit out of him! (laughter)

#144
- I... I was joking. - Really?

#145
I'm not joking, though. I'm not joking. I'm really not.

#146
I wouldn't even joke about something like that.

#147
We should do it. I wanna do it.

#148
Shit.

#149
We'd hate to have to put this whole thing on your shoulders. Shit.

#150
So you're gonna have to keep your mouth shut on this one.

#151
You don't have to join us, but if anyone asks you point-blank...

#152
(whispers) Your ass got molested.

#153
Otherwise, we're talking conspiracy charges.

#154
And prison can be a bad place for someone like you, Charlie.

#155
A very bad place.

#156
(spraying)

#157
As soon as Charlie comes out, we gotta grab him,

#158
take him back to the bar, get him liquored up and tell him,

#159
"we know you got molested." - Gonna have to disagree with you.

#160
I think we need to ease him into it.

#161
(door opens) Oh, there he is.

#162
Okay, you know what? Dr. Gainer used to say that in situations like this,

#163
you have to see... - Dr. Gainer? That guy was an idiot.

#164
- He was not. - Yes, he was.

#165
Talk about molesters. That guy...

#166
He didn't molest me. I had sex with him 'cause I wanted to.

#167
- You had sex with Dr. Gainer? - Of course I did.

#168
- No, you had... Oh! - He was a hot older man.

#169
- Gross! - Okay. You know what?

#170
You have no room to talk. All the girls you've molested in your life.

#171
Don't start throwing that word around like it's meaningless, okay?

#172
- This is serious. - Fine.

#173
- Fine. - Great.

#174
Molester.

#175
(sighs)

#176
(doorbell rings)

#177
(exhales)

#178
- Hey, Coach Murray! - Yeah?

#179
It's me, Mac!

#180
I don't know what this shit is all about. (TV playing)

#181
One day the cops just roll into my classroom

#182
and they haul me out of there.

#183
And they did it right in front of my kids, too.

#184
- Yeah. Totally. (scoffs) - Molestation?

#185
I mean, please! I got so much ass back in those days.

#186
What the hell did I need that kind of shit for, you know?

#187
Oh, God, man, I hear you. So much ass, it was like... Whew!

#188
Oh, and you know what, to tell you the truth?

#189
I don't even remember who these assholes are that are accusing me.

#190
- Nothing special there, right? - I guess.

#191
Nothing special. You know, Coach, I've been working out a lot

#192
since grammar school. - Good for you, son.

#193
Yeah, it's good for you, right? You know when you get real tight,

#194
like, right up in here in this area here?

#195
- You know what I mean? - Yeah.

#196
No. Not here. Like right in here.

#197
What are you doing?

#198
What do you want me to do?

#199
All right. I... Okay.

#200
(exhales)

#201
- Oh! - That's a good shot, bud.

#202
Hey, tell me something, man. What's been going on with you lately?

#203
- You just seem... - You know, I'm just distracted.

#204
Is that why you ran out of the bar the other day?

#205
No. No. I was... I had some stuff I needed to do.

#206
- And it just popped in my head. - Yeah, well, that's understandable.

#207
We've all got things that we have to do.

#208
Yeah. What you running from, Charlie?

#209
- What? - Dee, could you grab me a beer?

#210
- Why don't you grab one yourself? - I'm right in the middle of a game.

#211
Your game isn't working. Let me play now.

#212
Let me play the game the way I want to play it.

#213
DEE: It's dumb, it's not working. - Then we'll play your game.

#214
DEE: It's not gonna get the results we want. Don't act like a baby!

#215
DEE: You're playing a game for children, and it's not working.

#216
- Charlie's not a baby. Charlie! - This is a game...

#217
Great. Nice. Good job, Dennis. Great.

#218
How are you gonna put this on me? You messed it up!

#219
- You messed it up! - We have to push him!

#220
Push him? You're pushing him away. Now he knows something's up.

#221
- Good. (door opens) - Good?

#222
Hey, guys, I have good news!

#223
I've been reading up on the subject of pedophilia.

#224
It turns out that it isn't about sex after all.

#225
It's about power. So, the assailant doesn't go after the one

#226
he finds most attractive, this guy.

#227
He goes after the weakest he can find.

#228
- Wow. That is good news. - Jesus, Mac.

#229
- What is wrong with you? - No. You're not following.

#230
If Murray was looking for the weakest he could find,

#231
t wouldn't have been Charlie. DEE: Why not?

#232
Because Charlie was a bit of a psychopath. He had this thing

#233
when he got excited, his face'd turn purple and he'd start biting things.

#234
I don't think Murray would've put his dick anywhere near him.

#235
- What about the McPoyle brothers? - Oh, yeah.

#236
They were prime real estate. I'm sure he went to town on them.

#237
- What's your point? - Charlie didn't get molested.

#238
(chuckling) What?

#239
- Good. I'm sure he didn't. - Oh, boy.

#240
- I'm sure he didn't. - Yeah.

#241
Why don't you leave this to the two people that are qualified

#242
to deal with the situation? - It's cute you did some research

#243
and got four books, though. DENNIS: Nice work.

#244
DEE: Yeah, good job. You know what?

#245
We tried it your little tippy-toe pussy way and that failed miserably.

#246
So now why don't we try something that will work?

#247
Look, I just want to say that I think this is a terrible approach.

#248
Yeah. You know how I already know that? 'Cause you keep saying it.

#249
Yeah. Well, I keep saying it because... It is.

#250
I'm sorry you're wrong about stuff all the time.

#251
I'm sorry you're sorry all the time.

#252
- What? That doesn't make any sense. - I don't... I don't care.

#253
- Well, hello, Dennis! DENNIS: Hi, Mrs. Kelly.

#254
Don't you look so handsome!

#255
- And, Dee, so beautiful. - Thank you, Mrs. Kelly.

#256
Listen, I'm sorry we had to stop by like this,

#257
but we really need to talk to you about something.

#258
- What? - Well...

#259
It's about Charlie.

#260
(bawling)

#261
Oh, I can't believe this! I just can't believe it! (panting)

#262
Though... Though I have to admit, it does explain a lot about him.

#263
Yes, we were thinking the same thing.

#264
Yes. Oh! Be strong, Bonnie.

#265
Be strong for your little gingerbread man.

#266
Now is not the time for an episode. (breathing shakily)

#267
- Are you okay? - I'm fine! (panting)

#268
So, what do you need from me?

#269
- Hello? Ma? MRS. KELLY: In here, Charlie!

#270
Hey, I got your message. It sounded kinda funny.

#271
- Come on back, honey. - Is everything all right?

#272
(music) Hello, Charlie.

#273
Mom?

#274
Grandma? Uncle Jack? What's... What's everybody doing here?

#275
Well, we've all gathered here at the request of your friends.

#276
- Hey, bud. - Hi, Charlie.

#277
Hello, Charles.

#278
I... I don't exactly know how one of these things are supposed to go.

#279
But we understand that there's been some abuse.

#280
These two boys have been strong enough to admit what happened,

#281
and we thank you for that.

#282
Just hope that that man goes away for a long, long time.

#283
Yeah. Prison can be a bad place for a guy like that.

#284
Very bad place.

#285
Now, we're not exactly sure how this thing is supposed to go.

#286
But your friends have been helping us out on a couple of key points.

#287
Now?

#288
(sniffles)

#289
Okay, Charlie, show us on the doll.

#290
Show you what?

#291
(voice breaking) Where he touched you.

#292
Oh, yeah.

#293
(mouthing) Oh, my God.

#294
Shall I turn it over?

#295
(softly) Yeah, turn her over.

#296
Do it.

#297
Slow. Slow.

#298
(country music playing)

#299
I think that went well. You did a wonderful job, Charlie.

#300
- I really think they bought it. CHARLIE: Oh, yeah. Definitely.

#301
I gotta say, my favorite part was at the end there

#302
when we were all hugging, and my sister screamed

#303
and told everyone that I touched her vagina.

#304
(laughs) Yeah!

#305
So, Charlie, where to?

#306
Oh, well, I was thinking we should, uh, zip down to the police station,

#307
you know, file an official report.

#308
I mean, I gotta do it sometime, right?

#309
- That's the spirit. - Let's get it on the books.

#310
(clears throat) Excuse me. I'd like to speak to a detective, please.

#311
- Name? - Charlie Kelly.

#312
- And what is this in reference to? - Sodomy.

#313
Okay. Uh, take a seat. Someone will be right with you.

#314
LIAM: You're doing the right thing, Charlie.

#315
The American school system's been oppressing people for years.

#316
It's about time we start doing a little oppressing ourselves.

#317
(sighs) - It doesn't make sense. - Yes, it does.

#318
How are we oppressing anything? You need to think before you speak.

#319
- You do. MAN: Charlie Kelly?

#320
Oh. That's me. Uh, I'll be right back.

#321
Have a good time.

#322
Twenty-five million is a lot of clams.

#323
(door closes) Split it 50-50.

#324
Charlie's gonna want something. What about Charlie?

#325
(inaudible) Yeah. He'll want some.

#326
He's not gonna get some.

#327
We could always split it 50-50-50. (door opens)

#328
You even hear what you're saying?

#329
Your gums are bleeding.

#330
- Hey, how'd it go? - Great. I just ratted you out.

#331
Can I see you two boys for a minute, please?

#332
So you're not gonna get in any trouble at all?

#333
Uh, no. No, not really. And since the McPoyles are gonna plead guilty,

#334
- I'm sort off the hook completely. - That's great.

#335
I'm sorry. Was he saying that the intervention worked?

#336
No, I don't think that's what he's saying.

#337
What are you talking about? It was the final push Charlie needed.

#338
Turns out three-quarters of a major, not so bad after all. Right?

#339
Oh, and the best part of it, actually, for me now

#340
s the fact that everybody thinks that I've been molested.

#341
So, in a way, my life is ruined.

#342
Uh, in the meantime, I'm gonna go in the back office

#343
and cry and cry and cry, and drink for a while.

#344
(door closes)

#345
Emotional release. Another giant step forward.

#346
- My God, we're good. Doctor. - Doctor.

#347
(chuckling) Yeah, yeah.

#348
I mean, so I just want to apologize again for the other day.

#349
It's all right, Mac. Don't worry about it.

#350
- Awkward, right? (chuckles) - You know what?

#351
You were a good student at school. You got potential.

#352
Now, just put that in your pocket.

#353
- Really? You mean that? - I mean that.

#354
Oh, great, Coach. That's all I really needed to hear.

#355
- Good. - Oh, that is so great for me.

#356
Hey, say hi to those folks for me.

#357
- I will. Thanks. - All right.

#358
That little prick's goin' to hell.

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