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» S01E07 — Tim Robinson
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Season 1, Episode 7 — Tim Robinson
#1
[piano music playing]
#2
[laughter]
#3
[Tim] So I look at him and I say,
#4
"If he works here, I'm definitely not eating here!"
#5
Why don't you tell us another story, Tim?
#6
[shouts] No!
#7
Uh-uh.
#8
No. I've been telling you guys stories all damn night.
#9
Why don't one of you tell me a story?
#10
Go.
#11
When I was a small, small boy,
#12
I had big, big muscles.
#13
-[Tim] Yes? -[man] Oh, yeah. I mean, forget about it!
#14
Who's that tall drink of water that just came in?
#15
That?
#16
That's Sammy Paradise!
#17
Old Two Eyes himself.
#18
Can I take your hat and coat?
#19
You can do more than take them, kid. You can keep them.
#20
Wow! Thank you, Mr. Paradise!
#21
♪ Lady Luck ♪
#22
♪ They call her Lady Luck ♪
#23
♪ When she kisses me, I'm in heaven ♪
#24
♪ I'm as lucky as lucky seven ♪
#25
Champagne, Mr. Paradise?
#26
I'll take your oldest bottle, extra bubbles!
#27
Shake it up, and just let it spill, baby!
#28
-This floor could use a little grease! -Yes, sir, Mr. Paradise!
#29
♪ Cha-ching! She's a dame who's fine ♪
#30
♪ Ka-pow! And she's mine, oh, mine ♪
#31
♪ Lady Luck ♪
#32
I'll take a steak. The usual.
#33
-Rare? -Not rare, one of a kind!
#34
And give it to my friend here. He looks hungry.
#35
Thanks, Mr. Paradise!
#36
♪ Zowee! She's the girl with the most ♪
#37
♪ Ka-powee! And I'm her host ♪
#38
♪ Lady Luck ♪
#39
Thanks for the rib-eye, pally.
#40
Here's a tip--
#41
find a new line of work!
#42
Here's another tip--
#43
a cool grand.
#44
Wowee! Thanks, Mr. Paradise!
#45
♪ Good fortune ♪
#46
♪ Ring-a-ding-dong ♪
#47
♪ I can sing to her all night long ♪
#48
♪ Lady Luck ♪
#49
Make a wish.
#50
Hot dog!
#51
Hey! Eyes off the merchandise, pal.
#52
The lady's spoken for.
#53
♪ Lady Luck ♪
#54
All bets.
#55
Put it all on seven.
#56
♪ Lady Luck ♪
#57
♪ They call her Lady Luck ♪
#58
Blow on them, doll.
#59
♪ When she kisses me, I'm in heaven ♪
#60
Snake eyes!
#61
Snake eyes?
#62
Snake eyes?
#63
[shouts] Oh, no!
#64
No!
#65
I'm ruined!
#66
You! You jinxed them!
#67
What? I did not!
#68
[shouts] Yeah, you did! You owe me 50 grand!
#69
I'm broke!
#70
I'm a dead man!
#71
Sammy, cool it! Take it easy.
#72
Get off me!
#73
Hey, fat fuck!
#74
That's my steak!
#75
I paid for it, I'm eating it!
#76
-It's in my throat! -Let's get that puppy out.
#77
Come on, you fat fuck!
#78
If I'm dying tonight, I'm eating filet mignon!
#79
It's overcooked.
#80
I'm not paying for it. I want my money back. It's overcooked.
#81
I don't think so, Mr. Paradise.
#82
You, give me my grand back, asshole!
#83
All right, Sammy. It don't seem right, but here you go.
#84
Look at that! I'm rich again!
#85
♪ Lady Luck ♪
#86
♪ They call her Lady Luck ♪
#87
-Put it on black! -[craps dealer] It's red.
#88
[screams] I'm a dead man!
#89
Sammy, we should go.
#90
-You were eyeballing my girl earlier. -Sorry about that.
#91
One night, $1,000. Anything you want.
#92
Rimming, piss on her, it's all on the table.
#93
Rip her teeth, keep them as souvenirs.
#94
-[shrieks] Sammy! -Sir, we have to ask you to leave.
#95
Fine. That's fair.
#96
I feel like that's fair.
#97
Sure. I'm just gonna get my quarter.
#98
You saw me put the quarter there. I'm gonna get that back.
#99
Ow! It burned me!
#100
The fountain burned me! It's piping hot!
#101
It is not hot, Mr. Paradise.
#102
Who cares?
#103
All right.
#104
Who wants to buy a toupee?
#105
It's just the top and one side.
#106
This side's all natural, baby!
#107
Oh, Sammy!
#108
All right, folks.
#109
I'm going to go in the bathroom
#110
and I'm going to suck my own dick.
#111
You guys, pay whatever you think is fair, good?
#112
Mr. Paradise!
#113
I'm going in.
#114
The show is about to start!
#115
Once the show starts, no one else will be admitted.
#116
[door closing]
#117
[Sammy] Yeah, nobody came in.
#118
I guess I still got to start the show.
#119
[groans] Oh, God.
#120
[moans] I can't fricking reach!
#121
I touched it!
#122
[telephone ringing]
#123
Yeah? Mitchell's Limos.
#124
Uh-huh, we got limos.
#125
No, you're thinking of a hearse.
#126
Hey, fella. Dumb much?
#127
Legendary! You're the king of slams, Rog!
#128
Anyway, back to my story.
#129
I picked up a bride and groom the other day, put them in the back,
#130
and the groom said--
#131
And let me guess.
#132
You told them this story and then they jumped out the back!
#133
Oh! Oh, I just got slammed by the king of slams!
#134
-Oh! That, sir, is an honor. -[worker] It is!
#135
Oh, boy! Here comes Morley.
#136
I'm just doing OK.
#137
I got in trouble with my neighbors over the weekend,
#138
because I was listening to my jazz too loud.
#139
I'm such a jazz head, right?
#140
I've said that.
#141
Notice anything different about me?
#142
You kind of grew a mustache?
#143
Yeah.
#144
Yeah, just a little weekend project.
#145
Just like Mike's.
#146
Hey, Mike.
#147
All right.
#148
Back to the grind.
#149
[telephone ringing]
#150
Mitchell's Limos. We got smiles for miles. This is Morley speaking.
#151
Hey, Morley. It's 1981.
#152
We want our mustache back.
#153
Hello?
#154
Yeah, it's 1981.
#155
We want our mustache back.
#156
This is me from 1981?
#157
Yeah.
#158
I want my mustache back.
#159
Morley, you listen to me, and you listen to me very carefully.
#160
Do not go in the tent with your uncle on the family camping trip.
#161
What happens in there will change your life forever.
#162
God damn it.
#163
Hey, Morley?
#164
Are you doing OK, bud?
#165
You know what, Steven? Yeah.
#166
Yeah.
#167
I just prevented something very terrible from happening to me.
#168
That's great, Morley.
#169
That's really great.
#170
Thanks, Mike. You're my best friend here.
#171
Hey, Rog!
#172
Rog, do you think I could fit this whole thing in my mouth?
#173
That's funny. That's what your mom asked me last night!
#174
King of the slams!
#175
[shouts] Hold on a damn minute!
#176
You spoke to my mother last night?
#177
Yeah.
#178
Oh, geez. Oh, geez.
#179
Hello, Dad?
#180
I got good news and I got bad news.
#181
The good news is Mom's still alive.
#182
The bad news is she's sleeping with my boss, Rog, king of the slams.
#183
Yeah. No, he is very cool.
#184
Yeah. All right. We'll talk about it when I get home.
#185
Uncle Dave's not over, is he?
#186
Good. I fucking hate that guy.
#187
[shouts] Yes, sir!
#188
Yes, sir!
#189
Yes, sir, Sergeant!
#190
Affirmative!
#191
Affirmative!
#192
I love you.
#193
[whispers] Say it, say it, say it.
#194
God, this work retreat is so boring.
#195
At least it's almost lunch.
#196
Yeah, first there's music.
#197
Last year we had Bonnie Raitt,
#198
and she was so awesome.
#199
Well, this year...
#200
we've got the Pointer Brothers.
#201
Oh. Do they do Pointer Sisters songs?
#202
I would assume so.
#203
Anything else would be plain stupid.
#204
[male announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, please put your warm hands together
#205
for the Pointer Brothers!
#206
[cheesy pop music playing]
#207
What are they doing?
#208
Ladies and gentlemen, we are the Pointer Brothers.
#209
And by the end of the night tonight,
#210
we promise to point to every person in this arena.
#211
Oh, no! That can't be what this is!
#212
There's, like, a thousand of us in here.
#213
OK, folks. Now, here's how it works.
#214
Everybody, stand up.
#215
Once you've been pointed at, sit down.
#216
Otherwise, there's no way for us to keep track.
#217
Or if that doesn't work, throw your hands up.
#218
Wait to be pointed.
#219
Once you're pointed at, throw that hand back down to the ground.
#220
We can't do both. We got to choose one, guys.
#221
-I kind of like the hand thing. -And I like mine.
#222
So do they not sing?
#223
I think that they just point.
#224
That can't be it!
#225
All right, folks. Who hasn't been pointed at yet?
#226
This is a lot harder to keep track of who I pointed at than I thought.
#227
Well, it's not that bad.
#228
I pointed at him...
#229
him...
#230
her...
#231
Don't point at them again. It makes it less special.
#232
Don't tell me what to do.
#233
All right, folks. This is going to take a long time!
#234
But nobody is leaving this room until they are pointed at.
#235
-[Waggoo] Waggoo, Waggoo, Waggoo! -Oh! Who's that?
#236
It's Waggoo!
#237
Hey, everybody! Waggoo!
#238
-Waggoo! -[Pointer Brother #1] Waggoo! Oh, my God!
#239
Now, Waggoo hates points.
#240
He takes them away.
#241
If Waggoo touches you, that brings your point count back down to zero.
#242
Throw your hand back up
#243
and we will re-point you.
#244
And, ladies!
#245
Do not let Waggoo touch you.
#246
He's not allowed.
#247
Not allowed. Do you hear me, Paul?
#248
[Waggoo] OK, man. Leave me alone.
#249
Not after what you did.
#250
Now we are going to ask a member of the audience
#251
to come up on-stage with us, the Pointer Brothers.
#252
So, ma'am, why don't you come on up here?
#253
Hurry, though.
#254
Let's go!
#255
Come on! Come on! Hurry up!
#256
-[woman] There's no stairs to get up. -Grab my hand. Come on.
#257
Don't make excuses.
#258
You got to help. You have to help. You have to help with it.
#259
You have to help. You have to help.
#260
Come on, get up! Get up!
#261
All right, ma'am.
#262
Have we pointed at you yet?
#263
-Yes. -[shouts] Damn it!
#264
I was going to point at you, show you how easy it was.
#265
OK. We have a lot of pointing to do, so go and take your seat.
#266
-There's no stairs to get off the stage. -Lay down and roll off, then!
#267
One of these guys will catch you!
#268
-Come on, let's go. -[shouts] Go, now! Pronto!
#269
Let's go. Get off, get off. Go, go.
#270
[bang]
#271
Shut the fuck up!
#272
-She's fine! -Shut the fuck up, you pieces of shit!
#273
-...fuck up! -[Pointer Brother #1] Do you hear me?
#274
[Pointer Brother #2] Oh, fuck you!
#275
Every man in this audience that didn't try to catch her is a fucking coward!
#276
Folks, here we go!
#277
[cheesy pop music playing]
#278
Now, ladies and gentlemen, this is the part of the evening
#279
when one very lucky member of our backstage crew
#280
gets to come out here and bring me a water.
#281
Sharon?
#282
Come on, Sharon!
#283
-Sharon? Hurry up. -Come on, Sharon.
#284
Come on, Sharon.
#285
-Where the hell were you? -I was lying down.
#286
What is going on with you?
#287
Don't go! I am going to give you the bottle back!
#288
-Sharon, right, everyone? -We should fire her, right, folks?
#289
-We can't. -Because of what Waggoo did.
#290
-[Waggoo] She talked to me first, man. -Waggoo, are you still out here?
#291
-How many people have you touched? -[Waggoo] This whole section.
#292
Damn it, Waggoo! That's going to set us back!
#293
God damn it! We're in the weeds now, man!
#294
Waggoo, you green piece of shit!
#295
Who hasn't been pointed at?
#296
-Are you fucking kidding me? -This sucks!
#297
-[man in audience] You suck! -Oh, fuck you, man!
#298
You fucking suck!
#299
Any of you fucks want it, fight me, you pieces of shit!
#300
You suck!
#301
This is your wife. This is your wife.
#302
That's your wife, man!
#303
That's your lady!
#304
Fight me!
#305
[screams] Now!
#306
[male announcer] You're watching the Tampa Bay Wrestling Association.
#307
Hi there, Tampa wrestling fans.
#308
I'm Rusty Vickers, and tonight we have an exciting match-up.
#309
I am here with Fighting Jake Fletcher.
#310
Jake, tonight is your rematch with Dump Truck Wallace.
#311
The last time you were in the ring together, it was nasty,
#312
and he came out on top.
#313
Yep.
#314
Probably the hardest match I've ever had in my life.
#315
But Dump Truck, he tricked me.
#316
He didn't follow the rules.
#317
So this time, Dump Truck,
#318
get in the ring with me and face me like a man.
#319
No girlfriend jumping in,
#320
no hitting me with a chair.
#321
Just man-on-man, hardcore...
#322
match.
#323
This time, I am promising you absolute victory...
#324
...on you!
#325
[audience cheering]
#326
[bell ringing]
#327
How did it go out there?
#328
He beat me.
#329
Fair and square.
#330
He agreed to all my terms,
#331
didn't need any tricks, nobody jumping in.
#332
Overpowered me.
#333
Simply a stronger man.
#334
He kicked out the back of my legs and I hit my head on the mat hard.
#335
Let's say that guy is better than me. I don't have to fight him anymore.
#336
But do you know who pisses me off?
#337
Cosskie the Russian.
#338
And when I step into the ring with him next week, I'm going to whoop him!
#339
This win's for you, America!
#340
[bell ringing]
#341
What happened?
#342
I lost...
#343
pretty bad.
#344
That guy might even be tougher than the first guy.
#345
I had to sit out there while Cosskie torched the American flag.
#346
I didn't like that one bit.
#347
But I got one thing to say to you, Cosskie.
#348
Don't spit on me!
#349
It's just a game!
#350
What are you...?
#351
I'll tell you this.
#352
Don't do that to me ever again.
#353
[bell ringing]
#354
Did he spit on you?
#355
Yep.
#356
He kicked me in the head, torched the American flag and spit on me.
#357
My beef's not with you, Cosskie.
#358
I know you can beat me!
#359
I was never arguing that.
#360
I think you're awesome. You're huge and fast.
#361
Everyone can beat me...
#362
except one guy.
#363
Sheikhzilla.
#364
And when I step in the ring with you next week, it's over!
#365
[bell ringing]
#366
You beat me! Who cares?
#367
You been doing it way longer.
#368
But next week, I got a plan.
#369
[bell ringing]
#370
-How did your plan go, Jake? -It didn't work.
#371
He put me in a choke hold and said,
#372
"I'm not letting go until you crap your pants."
#373
-And then what did you do, Jake? -Crapped my pants. I had to.
#374
It was that or be choked to death. But I'll tell you this.
#375
If you do that to me again, I'll crap my pants again.
#376
I choose it every time.
#377
Did he torch the flag, Jake?
#378
It goes without saying, Rusty.
#379
But I'll tell you this.
#380
I am down, but I am not out.
#381
Next week, I am going back to Dump Truck Wallace.
#382
[bell ringing]
#383
He kicked me in the back, hit my head, torched the flag. Crapped my pants.
#384
But it's not important, what happened this week.
#385
It's about next week,
#386
when I get in a steel-cage match
#387
with Cosskie, Sheikhzilla
#388
and Dump Truck.
#389
And it's a steel cage, so I can't leave!
#390
[male commentator] Cosskie's got him in a hold.
#391
He's talking to him, asking him something.
#392
Jake's nodding. He's agreeing to it.
#393
He's crapped his pants, everybody.
#394
Jake's up and mouthing, "Who cares?"
#395
Here comes the kick in the back.
#396
They're torching the American flag, ladies and gentlemen!
#397
[bell ringing]
#398
[bird chirping]
#399
[baby crying]
#400
Shh.
#401
[whispers] There you go. There you go.
#402
Go to sleep, my little girl.
#403
I can't wait to watch you grow.
#404
I hope you get everything you want out of life.
#405
♪ As you lay your head down To fall asleep ♪
#406
♪ I sit and think about your life ♪
#407
♪ I hope you have some best friends ♪
#408
♪ And a perfect house ♪
#409
♪ You'll make a beautiful wife ♪
#410
♪ When you are four years old ♪
#411
♪ I'm sure you'll fall And hurt yourself on your bike ♪
#412
♪ But your dad will be there To pick you up ♪
#413
♪ Holding tears back ♪
#414
♪ With all my might ♪
#415
♪ And as you grow and grow ♪
#416
♪ And have your first prom ♪
#417
♪ You walk on down those stairs ♪
#418
♪ You see your dad And the pride in my eyes ♪
#419
♪ And you will know how much I care ♪
#420
♪ When you go off to college ♪
#421
♪ I will miss you so much I won't know what to do ♪
#422
♪ When you get home And you get your dream job ♪
#423
♪ I will be so goddamn proud of you ♪
#424
♪ You'll meet the man of your dreams ♪
#425
♪ He'll be handsome and strong And he'll sweep you off your feet ♪
#426
♪ His name will be Jeff ♪
#427
♪ He will have a good job ♪
#428
♪ And your life will be so complete ♪
#429
♪ Jeff rides a motorcycle ♪
#430
♪ He takes you for rides ♪
#431
♪ And he helps me around the house ♪
#432
♪ He even shops for you Will give you tons of gifts ♪
#433
♪ He'll buy you your favorite blouse ♪
#434
♪ Jeff is so fricking cool And he's so fricking tough ♪
#435
♪ He's funny as goddamn hell ♪
#436
♪ He cracks me up Just the way he says stuff ♪
#437
♪ Fricking Jeff, funny as hell! ♪
#438
♪ You're at the bar A man says something to you ♪
#439
♪ And Jeff knocks him out With just one punch ♪
#440
♪ He stands over the body And stares down at him ♪
#441
♪ And he says, "I guess he wanted A knuckle sandwich for lunch" ♪
#442
♪ I crack up ♪
#443
♪ I say, "Jeff, how did you think of that Right off the top of your head?" ♪
#444
♪ Well, Jeff just smiles And he winks and me ♪
#445
♪ And kisses my daughter so damn hard ♪
#446
♪ So damn hard ♪
#447
[whispers] ♪ So damn hard ♪
#448
♪ I'm sitting at home, all alone And Jeff pulls up ♪
#449
♪ He wants to take you for a ride On his bike ♪
#450
♪ I answer the door And tell Jeff you are not at home ♪
#451
♪ You are working late tonight ♪
#452
♪ And Jeff lowers his head ♪
#453
♪ And he looks real sad ♪
#454
♪ And I swear that he might cry ♪
#455
♪ I said, "Hey there, Jeff" ♪
#456
♪ "Don't be sad I will go with you on that ride" ♪
#457
♪ With the wind in our hair As we ride down the street ♪
#458
♪ I hold onto his waist so tight ♪
#459
♪ Well, the bike and the wind ♪
#460
♪ And the rubber of the road ♪
#461
♪ Jeff and I are going fast as light ♪
#462
♪ Well, we take a break by the river Just on the county line ♪
#463
♪ Jeff says, "I will take good care Of your little girl" ♪
#464
♪ I said, "What are you doing, Jeff? Don't be crazy!" ♪
#465
♪ You could have any girl In this goddamn world! ♪
#466
♪ And he just laughs And he says, "I really love her" ♪
#467
♪ As we make our way back to the bike ♪
#468
♪ Well, I step on the road ♪
#469
♪ I don't see the truck coming ♪
#470
♪ Jeff shoves me ♪
#471
♪ And he saves my life ♪
#472
♪ As Jeff lays dying on that road ♪
#473
♪ The blood pours out of him ♪
#474
♪ Just like red wine ♪
#475
♪ He says, "Tell your daughter I love her And I will miss her" ♪
#476
♪ And his head falls ♪
#477
♪ And he closes his eyes... ♪
#478
[screams] No!
#479
♪ He closes his eyes ♪
#480
♪ Jeff gave his life for your dad ♪
#481
♪ He's the best guy in the world ♪
#482
♪ I miss him ♪
#483
[sniffs]
#484
[sobs] ♪ I miss him ♪
#485
♪ I miss him ♪
#486
♪ I miss Jeff ♪
#487
[whispers] ♪ Every day ♪
#488
[whispers] Good night. I love you.
#489
Welcome to the Old Gun Barn.
#490
What can I do for you, sir?
#491
-I am looking for protection. -Is this your first gun?
#492
It is. I need it for protection.
#493
You've come to the right place.
#494
That there is a Glock 17 semi-automatic 9mm.
#495
It's heavy.
#496
-This is good for self-defense? -One of the best.
#497
Stop right there.
#498
Put your hands up, punk.
#499
Say I didn't clog your toilet.
#500
Say it to my face, punk.
#501
-I don't know about this one. -What did you want this for?
#502
Self-defense.
#503
If you say so.
#504
Here. Try this one. This is one of our most popular handguns.
#505
Oh, it's nice.
#506
Well, well, well.
#507
Make my day, lady at Red Robin,
#508
who said the men's restroom was off-limits for me.
#509
Say you were joking.
#510
Say I am allowed back in Red Robin,
#511
and I didn't do an absolute paint job
#512
in the men's restroom.
#513
-Something more powerful? -Are you sure this is for protection?
#514
Yes.
#515
-Good enough. -Yes.
#516
-Try this puppy on for size. -OK.
#517
Well, well, well.
#518
If it isn't the Greyhound bus driver,
#519
who told everyone I took a dump so bad
#520
we had to turn the bus around and go back to New Haven.
#521
Yeah, I went in there,
#522
but I'm not the one who did the paint job.
#523
I saw who did it.
#524
He was huge, and he looked nothing like me.
#525
He was wearing a captain's hat.
#526
But you told everybody it was me.
#527
Even George Lopez,
#528
who was hitching a ride with us because his tour bus broke down.
#529
Announce that it wasn't me!
#530
Announce it was the man in the captain's hat!
#531
This is good. I like this one.
#532
-If you like this... -I do.
#533
...check this one out.
#534
Well, well, well.
#535
If it isn't the maid at the La Quinta Inn
#536
that made such a big deal about what I did to the toilet.
#537
I said I would take care of it myself.
#538
It didn't have to become a huge screaming match in Spanish in the hall,
#539
in front of all the other customers,
#540
including George Lopez.
#541
And maybe now you won't have the manager
#542
make me get in the shower and clean myself off
#543
before you consent to clean the toilet.
#544
I don't even know why he's allowed to do that!
#545
-That's good. -Oh, man!
#546
Did that really happen?
#547
-No. -You know what's cool about this gun?
#548
-What? -You can put a silencer on it.
#549
-Oh. -Yeah! Check this out.
#550
-This makes it quieter? -Yeah.
#551
-Yeah. Try that. -OK.
#552
Well, well, well.
#553
If it isn't the manager of New Haven's puzzle room.
#554
Remember me?
#555
I'm the guy who solved all the clues,
#556
but you still wouldn't let me out of the puzzle room.
#557
And then I accidentally...
#558
...used the fake men's room.
#559
And you brought everyone in and showed them,
#560
because the fake toilet didn't flush.
#561
And then you said, in front of everyone,
#562
"Who does puzzle room by themselves?
#563
It's a corporate team building exercise for work colleagues."
#564
And I said,
#565
"I like puzzles."
#566
And you said, "Here's a puzzle, dick weed!
#567
Why don't you try to get that real crap out of that fake toilet
#568
without getting it all over yourself?"
#569
Yeah, buddy, I never do this...
#570
but I can't sell you a gun.
#571
Sure. I understand.
#572
-Can I use your bathroom? -No.
#573
-What if I promise not to do a paint job? -Get out.
#574
OK.
#575
See you.
#576
[man] Good morrow.
#577
May I use your bathroom?
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