Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S11E05 — Mac & Dennis Move to the Suburbs

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 11, Episode 5 — Mac & Dennis Move to the Suburbs

#1
Hey, Dee! Dee! Dee! Dee!

#2
Do you want to take your feet off my bed, please?

#3
It's not your bed, okay? It's my goddamn floor!

#4
And how many times do I have to ask you guys

#5
to please just pick up your shit when you wake up in the morning!

#6
You're turning this place into the Superdome.

#7
Superdome? That's, like, six years too late.

#8
That's a super lame reference. And it's kind of offensive.

#9
You'll be happy to know, by the way, we are looking for a place right now.

#10
All right? What about this place, man?

#11
Ah, it looks a little bit junky. It kind of reminds me of here.

#12
Yeah, this place is a piece of…

#13
It's not junky, okay? You guys have destroyed everything,

#14
and that's why it looks junkier, like a couple of locusts.

#15
Oh, I take that as a compliment.

#16
- It's not a compliment. - Well, it's biblical,

#17
- so it's a compliment. - Yeah.

#18
Why is everything so goddamn expensive?

#19
I mean, I wish we hadn't burned down

#20
our rent-controlled apartment.

#21
Yeah, you think?

#22
Dee, I will slap you in the teeth.

#23
You think this is easy? We have a list of demands here.

#24
We need two bedrooms. We need two bathrooms, minimum.

#25
You know what? Whatever. What's your plan?

#26
Where are you guys gonna find a place that fits

#27
all of your needs for under 1,500 bucks a month?

#28
Well, guys, this is it.

#29
Welcome to our beautiful new home.

#30
This is crazy. You guys should've just

#31
moved into that empty apartment in our building.

#32
The one where the family was murdered?

#33
Brutally murdered.

#34
- Pass. - This place is awesome.

#35
You guys are gonna thrive out here, and I am not gonna have

#36
to worry about you hogging my shower anymore.

#37
And we don't have to worry about getting ringworm.

#38
You brought the ringworm.

#39
Yeah, and now your apartment is infested with it.

#40
Don't worry, you'll be back to giving each other worms soon enough.

#41
These are city scum. They can't hack it out here.

#42
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

#43
- You want to bet? - Absolutely.

#44
Okay, Frank. So if Mac and I can live here for a month,

#45
then you have to pay our rent for an entire year.

#46
Deal. And if you don't,

#47
you have to sleep in bed with an old man for a year.

#48
- Gross! - What?

#49
What the hell are you laughing about, Charlie?

#50
You already sleep with an old man,

#51
and for no reason other than you seem to enjoy it.

#52
Yeah.

#53
Okay, you know what, Frank? You got a bet.

#54
Won't last a month. Frank is insane!

#55
This place is paradise, man.

#56
- We can really stretch out, you know? - It's quiet, it's calm.

#57
It's not like the city where everything is so stressful, you know?

#58
I'm just… I feel at ease.

#59
When was the last time that we had a home-cooked meal?

#60
Oh, dude…

#61
It's been forever.

#62
Well, my friend, dig in.

#63
Mmm.

#64
Oh, my God.

#65
Mac…

#66
this is incredible.

#67
- You like it? - Oh, my God.

#68
Oh, that is such a relief because I worked so hard on it.

#69
Yeah.

#70
I call it Mac's famous mac and cheese.

#71
Okay, well, I don't know how…

#72
I don't really know how famous it is.

#73
I mean, I'm your roommate, and I've never heard of it.

#74
So, what do you want to do after dinner?

#75
Uh… Well, see, the TV's not hooked up,

#76
so can't watch TV.

#77
Um, there's not really any bars around here, so…

#78
Right.

#79
- You know what we should do? - Hmm?

#80
Let's just get a good night's sleep.

#81
- That's a good idea. - Yeah.

#82
Yeah.

#83
What was that?

#84
What was what?

#85
You hear that, that chirping sound?

#86
I did not, no.

#87
Probably a smoke detector or something like that, huh?

#88
Right, yeah. No big deal.

#89
Hey, to a great night's sleep.

#90
- Good morning. - Mm.

#91
- Hey, man, did you hear that… - Pool filter?

#92
Oh, my God. It was like a jet engine.

#93
I didn't get any sleep at all last night, you know?

#94
One noise is so much louder

#95
than all the city noises combined, you know?

#96
- You just, you fixate. - Totally.

#97
I get that, but I was actually talking about that chirping sound.

#98
Did you hear that? It was, like, happening all night.

#99
No, I didn't hear that.

#100
Oh, man, it was driving me nuts.

#101
- Yeah. - Anyway, want to roll?

#102
I, uh, got us some music. I made this Creed mix.

#103
Oh, uh, Creed, huh?

#104
Yeah, it's a long commute, so…

#105
Yeah, I was thinking more, like, Bryan Adams.

#106
- Okay. But it is Tuesday. - Yeah…

#107
- Which is technically my music day. - Right.

#108
Yeah, and that was cool and all when it only took us,

#109
like, ten minutes to get to work, but now we're looking

#110
at, like, an hour or so commute.

#111
I'm thinking maybe more my thing.

#112
But, hey, you know what? Here's an idea.

#113
Why don't you take a personal day?

#114
You know, I mean, we got a lot of property here.

#115
It might be nice to have someone here to look after it.

#116
You know, maybe get that TV working.

#117
Maybe take a run at that, uh, pool filter?

#118
- Huh? - Hey!

#119
You must be the new neighbors.

#120
Name's Wally Schmidt.

#121
No relation to Mike.

#122
But don't tell my wife.

#123
Boy, it sure is a hot one today, huh?

#124
Okay.

#125
Nice to meet you boys.

#126
What the hell was that all about? Just comes up and starts talking to us?

#127
Right, some guy comes up to me, I don't know what he's…

#128
- I don't know what he's up to. - No. It's like, the whole time,

#129
I'm staring at him, I'm thinking, does he have a knife?

#130
Are we gonna have to take this bitch out right now?

#131
- No. I don't know. - I don't know.

#132
But it's the city, though.

#133
It's forced me to develop these sharp edges.

#134
For protection, you know? I got to smooth them out.

#135
- We're in the suburbs. - Let's work on it a little bit.

#136
- Okay, all right. - Shall we?

#137
You know, 'cause now I'm all tense.

#138
I don't want to bring this energy into work, you know?

#139
Luckily, I got the commute to relax.

#140
* Bought it at the five and dime… *

#141
Aw, merge, merge! You had your…

#142
Come on, you have to seize the goddamn gap!

#143
People are so goddamn inefficient!

#144
Oh, goddamn it!

#145
I don't care if you're old! Seize the gap!

#146
You old fat bitch!

#147
You fat bitch!

#148
- So, how was your day? - Good.

#149
How was work? Any good stories?

#150
Charlie and Frank are doing something with Russian hats now.

#151
- Really? What? - I don't know.

#152
I couldn't follow any of it. What did you do today?

#153
Did you, uh, fix that pool filter?

#154
Uh, I tried.

#155
But it turns out it's actually really complicated,

#156
and I didn't go to school for that, you know?

#157
Mostly I just tried to get the living room set up.

#158
It took a little while to find a stud.

#159
Yeah, I can, I can see that.

#160
Maybe, uh, take another personal day tomorrow, huh?

#161
You know, maybe I will take another run at that pool filter.

#162
Maybe try and do all the other things that you tried to do today,

#163
but, uh, you know, do them.

#164
Shut up, shut up, shut up,

#165
Shut up!

#166
Aw, damn it!

#167
What is that?

#168
* Played it till my fingers bled *

#169
* Was the summer of '69… *

#170
What's your plan, huh?

#171
Two miles an hour. There you go.

#172
Oh, gun it. Use your signal, you cow!

#173
Goddamn it.

#174
Unbelievable.

#175
I don't see what the problem is.

#176
Hey. Hey, hey!

#177
Slow down!

#178
Children play here, you fat cow!

#179
Hey, Wally.

#180
Oh, hey.

#181
Hot one today, huh?

#182
Yeah?

#183
Oh, that Wally loves to say "It's a hot one"

#184
when I already know it's a hot one.

#185
'Cause I'm standing outside in the hot one.

#186
Thanks a lot, Wally.

#187
You know what? Tell me about future weather.

#188
Don't tell me about present weather…

#189
Oh, I didn't realize we had company.

#190
Hey, Dennis.

#191
This is Jimmy, he's the pool guy.

#192
I invited him over for dinner.

#193
Mac, can I speak to you in the foyer for a second?

#194
Oh, uh…

#195
Sure.

#196
Excuse us for a second.

#197
Just be a…

#198
Just be a quick minute here.

#199
Hey. What?

#200
Come on, man. You gonna invite some guy

#201
over to my house that I don't even know.

#202
I just wanted to have, uh, somebody over for dinner.

#203
So I got to have dinner with some guy, "Hey, pool guy."

#204
His name is Jimmy!

#205
Jimmy? I don't give a what you do.

#206
You could ask him about all sorts of things. I mean…

#207
What do you want me to ask pool guy?

#208
If he knew shit that I was interested in,

#209
he wouldn't be a pool guy.

#210
I said I was sorry.

#211
Yeah, yeah. No, I'm just, uh…

#212
I'm just confused, you know, I…

#213
Here I am thinking that we got a pool that's outside.

#214
Eh… I didn't realize that we had an indoor pool.

#215
Can we just forget about it and eat our dinner?

#216
It's just so funny. We got enough money for two pools.

#217
And yet we don't have enough money for a recipe book,

#218
'cause here we are eating mac and cheese again.

#219
You don't know how hard it is

#220
to be cooped up in here all by myself, okay?

#221
At least you get to go to work.

#222
- I get to go to work? - Yes.

#223
Oh, everybody, hey, I "get" to go to work.

#224
I "get" to have a job.

#225
I "get" to have to make money for us.

#226
Oh, my… You know what, screw this.

#227
Oh, oh, yes. Fine, just walk away right in the middle…

#228
Dennis!

#229
Goddamn it. What is that?

#230
- Son of a bitch. - What?

#231
- Son of a bitch. - The hell you doing?

#232
Oh, do you hear it, too?

#233
I heard you bashing.

#234
Yeah, yeah, that chirping? I'm pretty sure it's a cricket.

#235
Okay, you know what, I'm gonna say something here,

#236
and it might not be popular, but…

#237
- I hate this place. - Yes.

#238
And I got to get back to the city. I'm going nuts.

#239
I miss the city, too. I miss the action.

#240
You know, I thought this place would soften my edges,

#241
but they're sharper than ever.

#242
Dude, I cannot be cooped up here.

#243
You know, cooking and cleaning and fixing.

#244
All right, all right, calm down, calm down.

#245
I… I think I have an idea.

#246
Let's invite the gang over.

#247
You know, we'll clean up the place, we'll serve 'em a nice dinner,

#248
we'll show 'em how well we're doing,

#249
and I'll feel Frank out about this bet, you know,

#250
which in retrospect is completely ridiculous.

#251
How are they gonna find an old man that's gonna go along with it?

#252
Right. Exactly.

#253
Mac and Dennis, old man.

#254
Old man, Mac and Dennis.

#255
So, uh, what's with the hats?

#256
I… You wouldn't get it.

#257
Yeah, you kind of had to be there, man.

#258
Hey, how about that food, huh?

#259
Mac calls it "Mac's famous mac and cheese."

#260
And it is famous.

#261
In my stomach.

#262
Is it? I mean, we're your friends, I've never heard of it.

#263
Hey, guys.

#264
We are having so much fun at this house.

#265
I'll tell you, I can't believe we ever lived anywhere else.

#266
But I was just curious, if we were to lose this bet,

#267
what would the logistics be, like, with the old man thing?

#268
Oh. Well, I'll tell you what I'll do.

#269
If you guys are cracking, you can forfeit now,

#270
I'll buy the three of youse a California king-size bed

#271
- to sleep in. - What?

#272
No, they're not gonna forfeit. This place is rad.

#273
You want a little side action?

#274
No, no, no, don't muddy this with side action. Dee, don't do it.

#275
- I'll take some side action. - Don't…

#276
Tell you what. How about, if they win,

#277
I'll take that California king bed for myself.

#278
Fine, and if they lose,

#279
the three of you got to sleep with the old man.

#280
Fine. Deal.

#281
Excuse me.

#282
I have to piss.

#283
Out of my penis.

#284
Right.

#285
Okay, well, clearly Mac wants to speak to me in secret.

#286
Uh, so excuse me.

#287
- Oh, good, you got my signal. - Yeah, got your signal.

#288
Dude, we're not gonna make it, we're not gonna make it.

#289
Yeah, dude, it's cool, man. We'll figure it out. It's…

#290
No, no, it's not cool. There's no way we're gonna make it.

#291
And also, dude, what's with the hats?

#292
- What is with those hats? - Dennis, I got to know!

#293
They told me the story, and it didn't make sense,

#294
and now we can't get it out of them.

#295
Look, dude, I don't want to sound racist,

#296
but can we just discuss the fact that it's an old black man?

#297
- Yeah, mmm. - It was supposed to be an old man.

#298
- Just an old man. - Now it's a black man.

#299
Dude, that's, like, a whole other thing. That's two things.

#300
That's two things, it's two things.

#301
All right, you know what, let's…

#302
Maybe we just…

#303
We take the California king. I mean, that's a big bed.

#304
You want to share the bed with an old black man?

#305
No, of course not, I… All right, that sounded racist.

#306
I don't want to share a bed with an old man.

#307
I'm just saying it's a big bed, and we could probably work it out.

#308
Okay, so picture big bed, big bed.

#309
Me on the side, you know, you right here.

#310
- Old man, right here. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

#311
Why am I in the middle? Black man should be in the middle.

#312
Don't call him "black man."

#313
His name's not "black man." His name's "old man."

#314
- Let's stick with "old man." - Okay.

#315
Just sounds better. All right, so how about this?

#316
You and I on the big bed, side-by-side, black man, he's…

#317
- Now you got me doing it. - Mmm.

#318
Old man is down at the bottom, sideways, like a dog.

#319
Are you calling black people dogs?

#320
- No, that's not what I… - That's very racist.

#321
What the hell is going…

#322
Oh, my God.

#323
You guys are cracking, aren't you?

#324
Nah, it's like… fine.

#325
- What? - It's soul-crushing, Dee!

#326
Oh, my God, I can't make this house into a home.

#327
- I didn't go to school for that. - He didn't go to school for it.

#328
Well, why did you let me take the side action?

#329
- I told you not to take the side action! - You bitch! You bitch!

#330
Why didn't you yell it so I could hear it?

#331
- I'm tired of yelling. - Damn it.

#332
Now we got to figure out where Dee goes in the bed.

#333
- Oh, right, Dee's got to be in the bed. - Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

#334
I'll tell you exactly where Dee goes, okay?

#335
Dee goes right in the goddamn middle

#336
of her brand-new California king-size bed

#337
all by herself.

#338
How are we even having this conversation?

#339
All you boys have to do…

#340
Guys, all you got to do to win is just exist.

#341
Hey, morning, buddy.

#342
You're up early.

#343
Yeah, I'm up early, and I'm feeling great.

#344
You know, I was thinking about it, and Dee was right.

#345
All we have to do is exist here for the next couple weeks,

#346
and we win this bet.

#347
So, check this out. I made you that.

#348
- "Mac's Honey Do List"? - Yep.

#349
That is a list of chores to give you a sense of purpose,

#350
so you don't feel so cooped up and lonely.

#351
How's a list of chores going to make me feel less lonely?

#352
Well, check out chore number one.

#353
"Name the dog."

#354
Well, that's so stupid. I don't have a dog.

#355
You sure about that?

#356
Yeah, positive. I don't have a dog.

#357
I mean, I had Poppins, but he's gone.

#358
- Are you sure? - I don't have a dog.

#359
What do you mean, am I sure? Of course I'm sure.

#360
I wouldn't be so sure.

#361
What are you doing?

#362
- Are you okay? - Look behind you, asshole.

#363
- You got me a dog? - Yeah.

#364
Oh, my God, he's so cute!

#365
I mean, he's no Poppins, but…

#366
Yeah, he's a lot better than Poppins, trust me.

#367
Oh, Dennis, Dennis. I'm gonna name him Dennis.

#368
- Huh? - You're Dennis. He's Dennis Jr.

#369
Weird. Um, but sure, yeah, that's fine.

#370
Hey, so why don't you go ahead and cross number one off the list there?

#371
- See how it feels. - Okay, yeah.

#372
Hey, what's a couple weeks between two best friends, right?

#373
It's whatever we make of it.

#374
So why don't we agree right now

#375
to make these next few weeks the best of our lives?

#376
- You with me, buddy? - I'm with you.

#377
I'm gonna raise this guy like he was our own son.

#378
Okay.

#379
Yeah. Weird.

#380
* I remember when *

#381
* I remember, I remember when I lost my mind… *

#382
No, don't merge, don't merge. We're all… we'll all wait!

#383
We'll all wait for you to send your text!

#384
You fat pig!

#385
How you doing, neighbor?

#386
* Does that make me crazy? *

#387
Shut up!

#388
* Does that make me crazy? *

#389
I'm not letting you in, pig!

#390
Gonna show up to work, have everybody be like,

#391
"Why is there blood all over you?"

#392
'Cause I had to slit the guy's throat who causes all the traffic!

#393
Boy, it sure is a hot one, huh?

#394
* Who do you who do you think you are? *

#395
* Ha-ha-ha, bless your soul *

#396
Shut up.

#397
I can't believe it.

#398
Goddamn it! Damn it.

#399
I hate the suburbs!

#400
* I think you're crazy… *

#401
Hey, buddy.

#402
Haven't seen you for a bit.

#403
You've probably been staying inside to avoid this, uh, heat wave, huh?

#404
Boy, it's been hot.

#405
It's hot, huh?

#406
Yeah.

#407
It is super hot. Yeah.

#408
It's getting real hot around here.

#409
So hot, Wally.

#410
But you don't really know what hot is, do you?

#411
Hot's a storm.

#412
You ever been in a storm, Wally?

#413
I mean, a real storm?

#414
Not a thunderstorm, but a storm of fists

#415
raining down on your head.

#416
Blasting you in the face.

#417
Pummeling you in the stomach.

#418
Hitting you in the chest so hard

#419
you think your heart's gonna stop.

#420
You ever been in a storm like that, Wally?

#421
Dennis.

#422
Dennis.

#423
You okay, dude?

#424
Yeah.

#425
Who you talking to?

#426
No one.

#427
What's that?

#428
Dog grave.

#429
Oh.

#430
Anything exciting happen at work today?

#431
Uh-uh.

#432
Well, I called up there.

#433
They said you weren't even there.

#434
Can we not talk about my day?

#435
Sure.

#436
Perhaps we can talk about my day.

#437
And how was your day?

#438
Not great.

#439
You know, with the dog dying and all, but

#440
somehow, old Mac pulled it together.

#441
He cooked for you, and he cleaned for you.

#442
In fact, Dennis, everything I do,

#443
I do for you.

#444
What are you talking about, man?

#445
I'm talking about everything I do, I do for you!

#446
And everything you do, you do for yourself!

#447
Sleeping in your car.

#448
Eating at Applebee's.

#449
Were you spying on me?

#450
Don't you turn this around on me.

#451
All you do is think about yourself!

#452
You didn't even notice that I switched up the mac and cheese.

#453
Is that what this is about?

#454
The goddamn mac and cheese?

#455
Well, yeah, I noticed!

#456
You put meat hunks in it!

#457
Wow! Hunks of meat! Mmm!

#458
Well, of course Dennis would like Dennis.

#459
- What? - It's Dennis!

#460
What are you talking about?

#461
You're eating the dog!

#462
Oh, God! What is wrong with you?

#463
I don't know! I guess it was just a cry for attention!

#464
You didn't even blink twice when I told you that the dog was dead!

#465
I can't live with you anymore in this goddamn place.

#466
I'm out of here. I'm gonna go stay in a hotel.

#467
Where's my suitcase, Mac?

#468
Wait. Wait, wait. Wait, wait.

#469
Dennis, Dennis, Dennis, Dennis, Dennis…

#470
Tell me about Mac's famous mac and cheese.

#471
Okay, I can explain.

#472
I called it my famous mac and cheese as a joke.

#473
But then it seemed like you like it.

#474
You like that it was Mac's famous mac and cheese.

#475
- And so I just kept saying it. - You're pathetic.

#476
You're the one that's sitting at Applebee's

#477
eating pot stickers all by yourself.

#478
You're the one that's pathetic!

#479
Oh.

#480
Well, that must be nosy Wally.

#481
Coming to see what all the fighting's about.

#482
Well, why don't we show him what all the fighting's about?

#483
- Why don't we show him right now? - Wait, wait, wait!

#484
Dennis, Dennis, calm down!

#485
Don't you tell me to calm down.

#486
There's that chirping again. How are you not hearing that?

#487
News flash, asshole!

#488
I've been hearing it the entire goddamn time!

#489
Then why wouldn't you say something?

#490
Because I hate you!

#491
Oh, my God.

#492
- You did it! - Look at this!

#493
- Huh? We did what? - You got this, man.

#494
- In less than a minute… - You're almost there.

#495
…you guys will have been here a month.

#496
- Yep. - We almost…

#497
- We almost won the bet? - Yeah.

#498
- We almost did it! - We almost won the bet?

#499
We're gonna do it! We're gonna win the bet!

#500
- We're gonna win the bet! - Yeah!

#501
Here it is, paid in full, one year's rent.

#502
Free rent for a year!

#503
- We did it! We did it! - Free rent for…

#504
Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

#505
Free rent for where?

#506
For right here.

#507
Here we go. In five, four,

#508
three, two, one.

#509
Hey, guys.

#510
Is he dead?

#511
Yeah, I think so.

#512
Quiet your ass down.

#513
Sorry, black man.

#514
Old man.

#515
Old man. Sorry, old black man.

#516
Goddamn it.

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