Home » Seinfeld » S08E17 — The English Patient

Seinfeld

Season 8, Episode 17 — The English Patient

#1
You know at the movies they show

#2
that little ad for the concession stand?

#3
Where the cartoon candy's dancing,

#4
and the Milk Dud's playing the banjo?

#5
Oh, he's wailing on that banjo. Yeah.

#6
I just don't understand the Raisinets.

#7
The sax player? Yeah.

#8
Yeah. The box of Raisinets runs up to the concession stand,

#9
buys another box of Raisinets.

#10
So?

#11
Box of Raisinets eating another box of Raisinets?

#12
It's perverse.

#13
No. He's not gonna eat them.

#14
He's buying them for his Pepsi girlfriend.

#15
And why is he dating a Pepsi?

#16
They're not having children.

#17
They're musicians.

#18
Musicians.

#19
Get a real job.

#20
What do you want?

#21
Oh, I've had everything on the menu.

#22
Uh...

#23
surprise me.

#24
Neil. Neil.

#25
Oh. I am sorry.

#26
I am supposed to meet my boyfriend here.

#27
He looks just like you.

#28
Really.

#29
Yeah.

#30
Like me? Uh-huh. Sorry.

#31
He-he.

#32
Like me?

#33
But how?

#34
Here's your halibut omelet.

#35
Surprised?

#36
Yes. Yes, I am.

#37
Look what I got for you for your Florida trip.

#38
Crazy Shirts was closing them out.

#39
I got a dozen for a buck.

#40
I saved a fortune. Look at that.

#41
There you go.

#42
Oh.

#43
"Number-one dad." Yeah.

#44
Ooh, and it's a medium. Perfect.

#45
Hey. Hey.

#46
You ready?

#47
Almost. Okay, so look, uh,

#48
when you're in Florida, can my cigar guy

#49
drop off some Cubans for me at your parents'?

#50
I'm helping my parents move into their new condo.

#51
I'm gonna be busy.

#52
Oh, come on, man. Help a brother out.

#53
All right.

#54
Yeah. I owe you one.

#55
We're even.

#56
Hey, Jerry... figure this out.

#57
I'm in the coffee shop,

#58
and this beautiful girl I could never even talk to

#59
mistakes me for her boyfriend.

#60
That's a nice four seconds.

#61
I look just like him.

#62
I, me... this.

#63
This is what her boyfriend looks like.

#64
How is that possible?

#65
Maybe he has money.

#66
Maybe he doesn't.

#67
Maybe he and I are exactly the same,

#68
except for one minor, yet crucial, detail.

#69
You never know.

#70
Sometimes you do.

#71
Maybe it's some... Some small thing I could change.

#72
Like a mustache or, uh...

#73
wearing a top hat.

#74
Or a monocle.

#75
Or a... Or a cane.

#76
Who's she dating? Mr. Peanut?

#77
You could do a lot worse than Mr. Peanut, my friend.

#78
So, what do you wanna see?

#79
How about Sack Lunch?

#80
How about The English Patient?

#81
It's up for all those Oscars.

#82
Oh, Come on, Blaine. I mean,

#83
look at the poster for Sack Lunch.

#84
It's a family in a brown paper bag.

#85
Don't you wanna know how they got in there?

#86
No.

#87
Oh. Sold out.

#88
Oh. Uh, two for The English Patient.

#89
So do you think they got shrunk down,

#90
or is it just a giant sack?

#91
Uh, hi. Um, remember me?

#92
I-I... I'm the guy that looks like Neil.

#93
Hi. Hi.

#94
Ahem.

#95
Is Neil here?

#96
Oh, no. He got held up at work.

#97
Oh, that's too bad.

#98
I... I kinda wanted to meet him, seeing as we look so similar.

#99
Huh. Well, you know, you don't look that much like him.

#100
Oh.

#101
Of course not.

#102
No, you're a little taller.

#103
You look like you're in better shape than Neil.

#104
Do you work out?

#105
Listen, I... I'm...

#106
I-I don't mean to seem forward,

#107
but is... Is there any way that I could possibly

#108
have Neil's phone number?

#109
What is everyone talking about?

#110
"The English Patient, it's so romantic"?

#111
God, that movie stunk.

#112
I kinda liked it.

#113
No, you didn't.

#114
Elaine, Blaine.

#115
Did you just see The English Patient?

#116
Didn't you love it?

#117
No.

#118
How could you not love that movie?

#119
How about, it sucked.

#120
That Ralph Fiennes.

#121
I would give up my firstborn for him.

#122
Uh. He's getting the short end of that stick.

#123
Jerry, this is Del Boca Vista's

#124
new physical fitness room.

#125
They got medicine balls.

#126
You can bike ride. Anything you want.

#127
StairMaster? What?

#128
Nothing.

#129
See what I'm wearing?

#130
Oh. Did you get that out of my bag?

#131
No. Your mother found it.

#132
Son... this is the most wonderful

#133
and thoughtful thing you've ever done for me.

#134
You know, I bought you a Cadillac.

#135
Twice.

#136
Oh. Here he is.

#137
This is the man I wanted you to see.

#138
- Izzy Mandelbaum. - Hey there.

#139
He's 80 years old, but strong as an ox.

#140
Watch this.

#141
See that? You couldn't do that.

#142
I could. I choose not to.

#143
Hey, Morty. Who's this?

#144
This is my son, Jerry, from New York.

#145
He thinks he can lift more than Izzy.

#146
I-I didn't say that.

#147
Hey, Izzy.

#148
This kid says he can lift more than you can.

#149
Hey, your kid's pretty funny, Morty.

#150
He should be a comedian.

#151
Actually, I am a comedian.

#152
That's not so funny.

#153
You think you're better than me, huh?

#154
Izzy used to work out with Charles Atlas in the '50s.

#155
1850s?

#156
Well, that's it.

#157
It's go time.

#158
Let's see you lift that.

#159
Mr. Mandelbaum... Come on, come on.

#160
Pump it.

#161
All right.

#162
Eh. Wrong attitude.

#163
You're not bringing that trash

#164
into my house.

#165
There. All right?

#166
Step aside, string bean.

#167
I'll show you.

#168
I'm gonna take it up a notch.

#169
Uh. My back.

#170
Somebody call an ambulance.

#171
There's already an ambulance here

#172
for Mrs. Glickman.

#173
There's room for one more.

#174
Hey. One for Sack Lunch.

#175
It's good, right?

#176
Yeah. Good.

#177
Hey, what are you guys doing here?

#178
We just saw The English Patient again.

#179
It's even better the second time.

#180
They make it longer?

#181
Forgot my umbrella.

#182
Blaine. Elaine.

#183
You said you were busy tonight.

#184
Well, to tell you the truth, Elaine...

#185
I don't know if I can be with someone

#186
who doesn't like The English Patient.

#187
It's just a stupid movie.

#188
That's what I'm talking about.

#189
Come on, Blaine.

#190
Let's go.

#191
Enjoy Sack Lunch.

#192
I will.

#193
How could you do that to Mr. Mandelbaum?

#194
You should be ashamed of yourself.

#195
He egged me on.

#196
You should be more mature.

#197
He's 80.

#198
Okay. Tomorrow Jerry and I

#199
will visit Izzy and apologize.

#200
Now, good night.

#201
You're not sleeping in that shirt.

#202
It's too tight.

#203
This shirt will never leave my body.

#204
Good night.

#205
All right, 7:30, got the place to myself.

#206
Jerry Seinfeld, please.

#207
Oh, you must be Kramer's guys. Come on in.

#208
You got the cigars?

#209
What cigars?

#210
Kramer said to bring him back some Cubans.

#211
We are the Cubans.

#212
Yeah, hello. Jerry's place.

#213
They're real Cubans?

#214
They're human beings from Cuba?

#215
I said Cubans.

#216
What did you think I meant?

#217
Cigars!

#218
Jerry, Cuban cigars are illegal in this country.

#219
That's why I got these guys.

#220
You're making your own cigars now?

#221
Yeah, yeah. I got investors all lined up.

#222
Hold on a second. Hi, Dad.

#223
Who are they?

#224
They're Cuban cigar rollers.

#225
Don't tell your mother.

#226
What is that bubbling sound?

#227
Are you making your tomato sauce?

#228
Yeah, hot and spicy.

#229
You're not wearing a shirt, are you?

#230
Yes, I am.

#231
What color is it?

#232
Oh.

#233
Damn it.

#234
You know, you... You could have

#235
just given me Neil's number.

#236
You... You didn't have to take me out to dinner.

#237
I wanted to give it to you in person.

#238
Oh. You know, I don't have to

#239
be up in the morning,

#240
and I know a great breakfast place

#241
right around the corner.

#242
Does Neil like to eat a big breakfast?

#243
Why don't you come in?

#244
We'll talk about it.

#245
I really should get going.

#246
I... I wanna be home in case Neil calls.

#247
Well...

#248
good night.

#249
I'll see you.

#250
Rough night?

#251
Ugh. You wouldn't believe it.

#252
My boyfriend dumped me. Ugh.

#253
My friends, who I don't even like,

#254
they won't talk to me, all because I don't like

#255
that stupid English Patient movie.

#256
Really? I thought it was pretty good.

#257
Oh, come on.

#258
Good? What was good about it?

#259
Those sex scenes.

#260
I mean, please.

#261
Give me something I can use.

#262
Well, I liked it.

#263
Hey.

#264
You f... You forgot about my piece of pie.

#265
Hello?

#266
You know, sex in a tub...

#267
that doesn't work.

#268
This is quite a condo.

#269
The Mandelbaums own the Magic Pan restaurants.

#270
The crepe place?

#271
Yeah. This is all big crepe money.

#272
There's crepe money?

#273
What are you doing here?

#274
Oh, Mr. Mandelbaum, I wanted to come by

#275
tell you how sorry I was that you hurt yourself.

#276
What the hell is that?

#277
What? That shirt.

#278
You think that you are the number-one dad?

#279
This was a gift from my son.

#280
Oh, I see how it works now.

#281
He knocks me out of commission...

#282
so you can strut around in your fancy number-one shirt.

#283
Well, I'll show you who's number one.

#284
Mr. Mandelbaum, please.

#285
It's go time.

#286
My back. I can't move.

#287
Call an ambulance.

#288
I think I saw one a couple doors down.

#289
So she wanted you to come up,

#290
but you left because you thought

#291
some guy might be calling you?

#292
Some guy. Some guy?

#293
Neil.

#294
I have got to find out how

#295
he could get a girl like Danielle.

#296
George, you've got Danielle.

#297
Forget about Neil.

#298
You've "out-Neiled" him.

#299
So I'm Neil.

#300
How did I do that?

#301
I don't know, but you better keep it up.

#302
I'm gonna go meet Danielle.

#303
There's a new Neil in town. Ha-ha.

#304
Try take a vacation.

#305
I come back, the whole operation's in shambles.

#306
Hello.

#307
Hey, Jerry. Number one here.

#308
Did you go see Izzy at the back specialist?

#309
I will. I just walked in the door.

#310
You have to go see him. Ma.

#311
Helen, will you stop bothering him?

#312
Jerry, that shirt has gone right to his head.

#313
Number one, signing off.

#314
Jerry...

#315
I just picked up the Cubans at the bus station.

#316
What's going on?

#317
What? They're not real Cubans.

#318
They're Dominicans.

#319
So?

#320
So, Jerry, if my investors

#321
don't get Cubans, the whole deal's off.

#322
What's the difference?

#323
Jerry, once you've had real Cubans,

#324
there's just nothing else like it.

#325
We're talking about people, right?

#326
Yes. Yes. The quality, the texture,

#327
the intoxicating aroma.

#328
These guys don't have it.

#329
I thought they smelled pretty nice.

#330
Jerry, your palate's unrefined.

#331
Is not. Is too.

#332
Is not. Is too.

#333
I'm not having this conversation.

#334
Are too. Am not.

#335
Another productive meeting.

#336
By the way, I saw that English Patient

#337
film last night.

#338
It was extraordinary.

#339
Oh, yes. It was so romantic.

#340
It ravished me.

#341
Elaine, what did you think?

#342
Well, uh, act...

#343
Actually I haven't seen it,

#344
so...

#345
I couldn't tell you whether I...

#346
liked it,

#347
or whether it really sucked.

#348
You haven't seen it? No.

#349
That's it. Drop everything. We're going right now.

#350
Again, Mr. Mandelbaum,

#351
this back specialist is supposed to be the best.

#352
If there's anything else I can do,

#353
don't hesitate to, uh, try and find my number.

#354
Uh... Oh, wait.

#355
How about that, huh?

#356
The "World's Greatest Dad."

#357
My son made it for me.

#358
That's very nice.

#359
The best in the world.

#360
Which means I'm better than just number one.

#361
Well, I don't know how official

#362
any of these rankings really are.

#363
Hi, Son. Hi, Daddy.

#364
This is your son?

#365
I got married in high school.

#366
Hey, who are you?

#367
This is Seinfeld's kid.

#368
Oh, you think you're tough,

#369
picking on an old man?

#370
Maybe you'd like to try taking on

#371
somebody your own age.

#372
Hm. You got any kids?

#373
Oh, you think you're better than me?

#374
Go ahead. Pick out anything in the room here.

#375
I'll lift it up over my head.

#376
Look. No one is lifting anything.

#377
The television.

#378
Mm.

#379
This one's for you, Pop.

#380
It's go time.

#381
Oh. My back!

#382
Call an ambulance!

#383
We're already in a hospital.

#384
All right, partner. Let's get down to business.

#385
Okay. Well, I'll, uh... I'll get the Cubans. All right.

#386
They're right out here.

#387
Yeah, here they are. They're Cubans.

#388
Real Cubans.

#389
You wouldn't be trying to sell old Earl Haffler

#390
Dominicans in a Cuban wrapper, now, would you?

#391
Oh, come on. Look at these boys.

#392
If they were any more Cuban,

#393
Castro would have smoked them himself.

#394
We're talking about people, right?

#395
I think so.

#396
I thought he quit smoking cigars.

#397
Well, yeah. Yeah. But they also rolled

#398
for his brother...

#399
uh, Dennis.

#400
Dennis Castro?

#401
Uh... Uh, Dwayne.

#402
Get the hell out of my office.

#403
What?!

#404
You know, Neil called me today.

#405
Really?

#406
Yeah, he's pretty upset

#407
I broke up with him to go out with you.

#408
Well, I guess I showed Neil who's Neil.

#409
He wanted to get together tomorrow and have coffee.

#410
Coffee?

#411
I can beat that. Move in with me.

#412
What?

#413
It beats the hell out of coffee.

#414
And I thought I knew what love was.

#415
Yep.

#416
You asked her to move in with you?

#417
I gotta stay one step ahead of Neil.

#418
What if it's Neil Armstrong?

#419
Then I'm going to Mars.

#420
What if it's Neil Diamond?

#421
Oh, shut up, Jerry. Just shut up.

#422
All right, I gotta go back to the hospital.

#423
What? To see the old guy?

#424
No, I got into a thing with the son,

#425
and now he's laid up too.

#426
How old's the son?

#427
I think he's the same age as the father.

#428
What is with this family?

#429
Don't know. It's like, if one of them dies,

#430
the other one wants to bench-press the casket.

#431
Hey, Jerry.

#432
You cold?

#433
No.

#434
It's them, right?

#435
Something wrong your chin?

#436
There. Where?

#437
No, no, no. Don't look. Don't look.

#438
Over there. The Dominicans.

#439
Aren't they supposed to be rolling cigars?

#440
Well, it didn't quite work out,

#441
and now I've got nothing for them to do.

#442
So?

#443
So I taught 'em all about Cuba,

#444
and they really took to it.

#445
You know, Marxism, the workers' revolution,

#446
the clothing.

#447
Boy, they seem pretty angry about something.

#448
Yeah. I'm a little worried.

#449
When there's no work and the people get restless,

#450
who do you think they come after?

#451
El presidente.

#452
I swear to you, I didn't know

#453
the TV was bolted to the table.

#454
I bet you pulled that trick

#455
on my daddy in Florida.

#456
He couldn't handle the weight.

#457
Oh, so now you think you're better than me?

#458
You think you're better than him?

#459
Look, let me just state for the record,

#460
I think you're both better than me.

#461
Okay.

#462
My boys.

#463
My dad.

#464
My grandpa.

#465
Oh, come on.

#466
What happened to him?

#467
He was trying to lift the TV.

#468
That TV?

#469
Oh, no.

#470
It's go time.

#471
Why didn't anybody tell me

#472
it was bolted down?

#473
Well, I still thought you could do it.

#474
Me too.

#475
Mandelbaum, Mandelbaum, Mandelbaum.

#476
Fellas, fellas, fellas. Look, I gotta go.

#477
Oh, yeah, that's right, go.

#478
Put us all in the hospital.

#479
And you ruined our business

#480
with all your macho head games.

#481
I didn't ruin your business.

#482
Yes, you did.

#483
There's nobody there now at the Magic Pan

#484
to roll the crepes.

#485
We gotta close it up.

#486
Don't you hire people to do that?

#487
Each crepe has to be

#488
hand-rolled by a Mandelbaum.

#489
That's what puts the magic in Magic Pan.

#490
So you just need some guys that could roll them?

#491
Yeah.

#492
I think I can help you out.

#493
I'll see you later.

#494
Hey. I can't see the TV.

#495
Here.

#496
You think you're better than us, don't you?

#497
Huh?

#498
Elaine, I hope you're watching the clothes

#499
because I can't take my eyes off the passion.

#500
No.

#501
No, I... I can't do this anymore.

#502
I can't. It's too long.

#503
Quit telling your stupid story

#504
about the stupid desert

#505
and just die already.

#506
Die!

#507
Shh!

#508
Elaine, you don't like the movie?

#509
I hate it!

#510
Shh!

#511
Oh, go to hell!

#512
Well, why didn't you say so in the first place?

#513
You're fired.

#514
Great. I'll wait for you outside.

#515
He was gonna fire you?

#516
Well, the only way I could talk him out of it

#517
was that I agreed to go and visit the Tunisian desert.

#518
Tunisia?

#519
That's where they filmed the movie.

#520
It's supposed to inspire me.

#521
Well, that doesn't sound so bad.

#522
I have to live in a cave.

#523
Oh.

#524
These Dominicans really know

#525
their way around a crepe, huh?

#526
Look at that.

#527
Looks like they're rolling a Double Corona.

#528
Just a cigar made out of Bisquick, huh, Guillermo?

#529
I'm very happy with George.

#530
I'm sorry, Neil.

#531
It's over.

#532
Come on, let's just eat our crepes.

#533
Ah! My face!

#534
Ooh!

#535
Ah! Neil!

#536
What are they... Why are the crepes spraying?

#537
Dominicans are rolling them too tight.

#538
Well. That's why you gotta get real Cubans.

#539
Danielle. Where's Neil?

#540
Is this him?

#541
Yeah.

#542
That blueberry crepe burned him pretty badly.

#543
Whose cane is this?

#544
It's Neil's.

#545
Cane.

#546
I knew it.

#547
So...

#548
we meet at last.

#549
I admire your skills...

#550
Mr. Peanut.

#551
Well, Danielle, uh, we should get going.

#552
I... I got a key made for you.

#553
George, I can't move in with you. What?

#554
I'm sorry. But I'm taking Neil to a clinic in England.

#555
N-no. No. You can't leave me.

#556
Uh... Marry me.

#557
I'll burn myself.

#558
I'll burn my parents!

#559
Sorry, George.

#560
George...

#561
I win.

#562
Ladies and gentlemen, in just one moment

#563
we'll be showing our feature presentation...

#564
No, no, no, no, no.

#565
The comedy hit, Sack Lunch, starring Dabney Coleman.

#566
All right. Oh, this is shaping up.

#567
Excuse me, please.

#568
Oh, sure.

#569
Oh.

#570
Ladies and gentlemen,

#571
because we have been exploited

#572
by your Magic Pan crepe restaurants,

#573
we are hijacking this plane to Cuba.

#574
Everyone stay in your seats.

#575
And shut that movie off.

#576
Oh, nuts.

#577
Mandelbaum, Mandelbaum.

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