Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S07E09 — The Gang Gets Trapped

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 7, Episode 9 — The Gang Gets Trapped

#1
Damn it, damn it, damn it! This is such a stupid goddamn situation.

#2
We've got to get out of here, Dennis.

#3
We've got to get out of here. We need a plan.

#4
Okay, well, plan one is for you to lower your goddamn voice.

#5
This is as low as I go, okay?

#6
I say we bum-rush her and choke her out with her own belt.

#7
Dee, you're escalating shit.

#8
This is exactly what I'm talking about.

#11
somebody comes in with some preposterous plan or idea,

#12
and then all of a sudden, everybody's on the gas.

#13
Nobody's on the brakes. Nobody's thinking.

#14
Everybody's just talking over each other with one idiotic idea after another.

#15
Until finally, we find ourselves in a situation

#16
where we've broken into somebody's house,

#17
and the homeowner is home.

#18
Yes, yes.

#19
- I'm sick of it, Dee. - Okay.

#20
- We can't do this anymore. - Okay.

#21
We've got to examine our process.

#22
Fine. I'm on board with that, okay?

#23
But right now I'm trying to come up with solutions.

#25
But you need to help me come up with a plan, okay?

#26
- Because this is breaking and entering. - Oh, my God.

#27
Dee, your breath is hideous.

#28
- I mean, it smells bad. - Okay. Okay.

#29
Oh, my God. We are really in over our heads this time.

#30
I'm saying this was a totally avoidable situation.

#31
Okay. I know. I know. I'm not innocent in all this, okay?

#32
I know I shouldn't have stood on that table and given that awesome speech.

#33
About how I was the perfect one to lead us into the house

#34
because of my wonderful grace.

#35
I know that. I regret it.

#36
It was a very persuasive speech.

#37
Oh, she's packing a suitcase.

#38
I definitely regret you getting quadruple onions on your burger.

#39
I'm sorry. I didn't realize I was going to be trapped in a closet

#40
with you for the afternoon.

#41
I definitely regret being dragged along into this whole thing.

#42
For what purpose would you have been dragged?

#43
You nosed your way into this

#44
like you do with everything.

#45
- You are nothing but liabilities, Dee. - Oh, come on.

#46
Loud voice, breath reeks. Nosy.

#47
Oh, she's leaving. She's leaving.

#48
- She's gone. - Okay. Okay, okay.

#49
- I'm gonna call Mac and Charlie. - Okay.

#50
Guys, come in. Are you there?

#51
MAC Yes, extraction team.

#52
What is your status? Have you recovered the artifact yet?

#53
No. We are off the artifact plan.

#54
We are not doing the artifact plan anymore.

#55
It is a stupid plan.

#56
Negative. It is an awesome plan, okay?

#57
This family should not have the artifact. It belongs in a museum.

#58
Belongs in a museum, bro.

#59
Adults should not be making plans that are based on dumb movies!

#60
Excuse me? Indiana Jones is a dumb movie?

#61
- I like the first one. - Oh, God.

#62
I like him as a character, and some of the...

#63
Oh, God, come on.

#64
- Okay, listen. - It's not about that.

#65
I'm just saying that the plan was genuinely dumb,

#66
as many of our plans are, I now realize.

#67
What about your whole speech about,

#68
"I have the grace of a falcon,

#69
and I'll be in and out like a demon's whisper"?

#70
Dude, you stood up on your chair in that burger restaurant

#71
and said that speech for everybody.

#72
It was a damn good speech, very persuasive.

#73
But I regret it now.

#74
- I got to pee. - No.

#75
Wait, wait. Dee. Dee! What are you doing?

#76
She could come back at any moment.

#77
- Well, what... - Indiana Jones part four

#78
was dumb, I'll give you that.

#79
I wouldn't even count it.

#80
I'm gonna say Temple of Doom's out for me, as well.

#81
- Is it out for you? - That's also dumb.

#82
- I liked that one. - Um...

#83
Guys, can we talk about this later?

#84
Frank, let's go. We're bailing.

#85
I ain't going nowhere until I get that vase.

#86
Forget about the vase, Frank. We're bailing on the vase, okay?

#87
Frank's right actually, okay? We got to think about the vase.

#88
We got to think about what's best for the vase.

#89
Yes, we are men of honor

#90
who protect artifacts from those who steal them.

#91
What? You didn't give a shit about them two hours ago.

#92
So what? Now we do.

#93
Yeah. What's that have to do with anything?

#94
Well, we should not be committing crimes based on beliefs that are two hours old.

#95
Well, then don't read us newspaper articles

#96
about stolen artifacts that outrage us.

#97
That article was about how the museum is holding

#98
an auction to raise money, okay?

#99
Nothing was stolen. The vase is not stolen.

#101
with this plan will the vase be stolen.

#102
Well, you were the ones who escalated us off

#103
of being the extraction team.

#104
We could have gotten in and out of there.

#105
Well, escalate your way back in for all I give a shit.

#106
- I'm leaving. I quit. - Me too.

#107
Well, I'm still in. Living on the edge.

#108
- It's making me feel alive. - Shh!

#109
Yes! See? Now, Frank, that is why you are on the extraction team.

#110
Frank's got the attitude. Dennis has the grace.

#111
- Dee nosed in. - She nosed in.

#113
Oh, shit. Extraction team!

#114
There is an SUV pulling up in front of the house.

#116
Okay, I cannot see the driver's face,

#117
but the subject appears to have...

#118
pointed feet of some kind.

#119
Okay, I'm repeating here. He has pointed feet, so careful now.

#120
What does that mean? What does that mean?

#121
He's wearing cowboy boots.

#122
Yes, I'm seeing now that they are cowboy...

#123
You know his feet could be pointed on the inside, so let's be...

#124
They're definitely not pointed on the inside.

#125
How do you know that?

#126
- How do you know that? - They're definitely not.

#127
I mean, I guess I can't say for sure.

#128
You don't know for sure. Sweetheart?

#129
You home? Up here, darling!

#130
Is she coming back up here? Why is she coming back up here?

#131
Oh, shit, back in the closet. Back in the closet.

#132
Yippee aye kye yay.

#133
Hurry.

#134
- Oh, oh, oh, oh. - What the hell?

#135
Oh!

#136
Oh, I just saw her put the vase in the suitcase.

#137
What? No.

#138
We can barely even tell if that's a person and a suitcase.

#139
I have to pee so bad.

#140
- Deandra, your breath is dog shit. - I know.

#141
What are you doing home?

#142
Well, I got a call from the alarm company.

#143
They said it was the house.

#144
- This is bad. - Oh, I must have set if off.

#145
I just popped by to grab a jacket.

#146
I told you it'd be chilly.

#147
Yeah, you're always right about that.

#148
Well, I got an appointment, you know.

#149
Oh, yeah. I'm heading back to the office.

#150
- Bye, sugar. - Bye.

#151
What the hell was that?

#152
Very strange. That was close.

#153
- Give me a chip. - No, no. These are my chips.

#154
- You don't get a chip. - What's going on in there?

#155
Basically these people are southern and the lady lied to the man.

#156
Are they gone?

#157
I don't know. Let's just quietly get out.

#158
- It's vase time, bitches. - What?

#159
What? No, no. What are you doing?

#160
We are in a very dangerous situation here.

#161
These people are from the south.

#162
That's weird. People from the south don't usually move up north.

#163
No, they come up.

#164
These carpetbaggers come up by the truckload just to steal our artifacts.

#165
- Carpetbaggers? - Yeah.

#166
- Give me a chip. - No, you don't get chips, Charlie!

#167
I mean, God only knows what these people will do to us

#168
if they catch us.

#169
These southerners, they probably pray for a home invasion every single day.

#170
They can't wait to get their hands on home invaders.

#171
So they can blast 'em with shotguns.

#172
And do God knows what to them, Frank.

#173
We'll be lucky if the only thing that happens is we go to jail.

#174
- We have got to go. - Hey,

#175
if some hillbilly comes up to me I'm gonna lash him in the face.

#176
- Ugh. - No, Frank.

#177
They are always armed to the teeth.

#178
They will hog-tie us and hang us out on the front lawn or burn us on a cross.

#179
You're right, man. You got to be careful.

#180
You know, anytime you find out

#181
like some dude's got a crazy torture basement or something,

#182
it's someone from the south.

#183
- It always is. - Well, extraction team,

#184
why don't you go down to the basement

#185
and see if it's some kind of crazy type dungeon.

#186
Yeah, yeah. Dungeons and tons of guns and...

#187
Dude, please give me a chip.

#188
- You're not getting a chip, okay? - Come on!

#189
Leave me alone with the chips!

#190
If you wanted chips, you could've gotten a bag at the hamburger store.

#191
- Don't ask me again! - I can't listen to this shit anymore.

#192
Ooh! Ah! Hmm...

#193
Q-tip holder. Shit.

#194
Oh, problem solved. Can we just get out of here?

#195
Oh. Wait, wait. Hold on. Hold on. I think you need to see this.

#196
You are nosing in. Nip it in the bud.

#197
A whole bunch of tickets to The Jay Leno Show.

#198
- Who cares? - No, listen to me.

#199
Who wants to see Jay Leno 15, 16 times?

#200
- No one. No one wants to see him once. - At all, right?

#201
I got a theory.

#202
She's banging Leno. She's having an affair with Leno.

#203
Frank, if she was banging Jay Leno,

#204
why would she have to buy a bunch of tickets to his show?

#205
That's stupid, Frank. Use your head. I've got an idea though.

#206
She's trying to kill him.

#207
She's still very upset about the whole Conan thing.

#208
- Oh, my God! - That's it!

#209
She's icing Leno.

#210
She's packing her suitcase. She's sneaking away from her husband.

#211
Listen to me. These are the theories of lunatics!

#212
Okay.

#213
- We have got to get out of here now. - Yes. Mmm-hmm.

#214
- He's right. Let's go. - No. Back off.

#215
I ain't leaving until I get that vase.

#216
Stop it! Stop it!

#217
He's gonna hurt himself.

#218
Never should have let him have that whip.

#219
For God's sake, let's just get out of here.

#220
Let's go. Come on.

#221
Okay, I think the back door's this way.

#222
Dee, you gangly, uncoordinated bitch.

#223
I am not getting hog-tied over your lack of grace.

#224
I hope they hog-tie you.

#225
And then I hope they rape you in their basement for 10 years.

#226
Dee, listen to me.

#227
I'm telling you, I have a weird feeling about this.

#228
If he just randomly comes home

#229
with some story about the alarm,

#230
he knows something.

#231
Look, we should just do it now. Pull the trigger.

#232
Pull the trigger? What does that mean?

#233
Who is she talking to?

#234
What is she talking about pulling the trigger on?

#235
- I don't know. - I mean, until now,

#236
I was thinking this southern violence talk was just, you know, bullshit.

#237
- It was just an escalation of some kind. - Mmm-hmm.

#238
But now it might not be,

#239
- you know what I mean? - Mmm-hmm.

#240
Who is she talking to right now? Who is that person?

#241
They're gonna pull the trigger on somebody? Jesus Christ.

#242
I only ask because I think knowing this might help us get out of this mess.

#243
- You know what I'm saying? - Mmm-hmm. I don't know.

#244
What is going on with you, Dee?

#245
You should be nosing into this like crazy right now.

#246
- I can't hold it anymore. - What?

#247
The toilet's right behind you, so I'm just gonna go ahead and pee in it.

#248
Oh, no, no.

#249
You are just gonna intentionally spray DNA all over the crime scene.

#250
I'm not gonna spray anything anywhere.

#251
Are you not familiar with how a woman urinates?

#252
Yes, I am, Dee, but you cannot flush the toilet.

#253
It's going to make too much noise.

#254
Then you're just gonna have a bowlful of evidence.

#255
Okay, you've got a really good point, but I'm gonna do it anyway,

#256
- okay, so it's happening. It's happening. - Do not do it. Don't you do it!

#257
Oh, my God.

#258
You are all liabilities. Why did you nose your way into this? I hate you.

#259
Okay,

#260
I'm gonna go find Mac and Charlie.

#261
So they can create a diversion so we can get the hell out of here.

#262
Don't pee with me in the room!

#263
Right now, yeah. Go ahead and go.

#264
Oh, thank you, God.

#265
Mac. Charlie. Come in.

#266
Mac. Charlie.

#267
I'm telling you, Charlie, the situation is out of control.

#268
Let's just get out of here while we still can.

#269
- Without the guys? - Oh, they're as good as dead.

#270
There's no telling what those southern people are gonna do to them.

#271
You're right, man. Know what? We should just get the hell out of here.

#272
And I mean out of Philadelphia.

#273
I mean, we should just drive and drive and drive and not look back.

#274
We should go to Arizona.

#275
And open up that imported leather shop that we've always talked about.

#276
Oh, my God, the leathers.

#277
The tasseled leathers, the turquoise studs on the leathers.

#278
- All the leather. - Yeah.

#279
- Okay, do you have the keys on you? - Yeah, let's get the keys.

#280
Let's get the keys. Let's get out of here.

#281
Hey, hey, hey, hey. I heard all that.

#282
- Were you holding down the button? - It was an accident.

#283
I wasn't... It was just sort of a reflex.

#284
You're always holding that thing down, and...

#285
uh, uh, sorry, extraction team. We were having a... A...

#286
- A leather conversation. - We were...

#287
Doesn't really... Hey, um, what's the status on the vase?

#288
Do not take off on us! I repeat, do not take off on us.

#289
Leather shop in Arizona? Are you serious?

#290
There are far too many leather shops in Arizona as it is.

#291
You'll be out of business in a week's time.

#292
What did you expect us to do, okay? You got us all freaked out in here,

#293
sitting here waiting for the southerners to tie us up to horses,

#294
and then have them run in opposite directions, ripping us apart!

#295
- Yeah! - How are we not supposed to fantasize

#296
about opening up imported leather shops in Arizona?

#297
- Give me a chip. - No, you're not getting the chips!

#298
The chips are off the table, okay?

#299
- I want a chip! Give me a chip. - Don't bring up the chips.

#300
He wants chips, and I asked him in the store, Dennis. You were there.

#301
I said, "Charlie, do you want a bag of chips?"

#302
He said, "No."

#303
If you wanted any goddamn chips,

#304
you should have gotten a goddamn chip at the hamburger shop!

#305
Stop. Calm down. Listen.

#306
We need the two of you to create a diversion

#307
so that we can sneak out of the house.

#308
She just flushed the toilet.

#309
Yeah, fine. It's just... Fine. I'm just hungry.

#310
We'll do a diversion. Oh, shit.

#311
- I just thought of something. - What?

#312
What if this vase is cursed, okay?

#313
Maybe that's why things aren't going well, right?

#314
If this vase has a curse on it, you do not want to touch it.

#315
I repeat, do not touch this vase if you see it.

#316
Pick it up with, like... You know what?

#317
Get a bag of sand of some sort and, uh...

#318
- Get... Get Dee to touch it. Is Dee there? - If you find Dee...

#319
Are you still talking about the vase? The vase is not cursed.

#320
It's from the 1800s. It was a time of science.

#321
Jesus, Dee.

#322
Why did you flush the toilet?

#323
Well, you had me all freaked out about spray and DNA evidence.

#324
What... What's going on with Mac and Charlie?

#325
It's... I can't get them to stay focused.

#326
They keep escalating the conversation into evil curses.

#327
And opening leather shops in Arizona.

#328
- A leather shop in Arizona? - Yeah.

#329
Well, they'd be out of business in a week's time.

#330
- That's exactly what I said. - We need to split 'em up.

#331
That's a good idea. How do you propose we do that?

#332
Hey, Charlie. Hey, it's Dee. Listen.

#333
Uh, how come Mac's the only one

#334
who gets to push the button on the walkie?

#335
Uh...

#336
let me get back to you on that.

#337
Where are you guys? I'm in a little girl's room.

#338
Frank, get back here. Mac and Charlie are gonna do a diversion.

#339
No way. The little bitch has got a suitcase.

#340
I'll bet the vase is in it.

#341
- No, I doubt that. - Yeah.

#342
At this point, I doubt that this is even the family mentioned in the article.

#343
Frilly little dress,

#344
pink nightie.

#345
Holy hell!

#346
There's a teddy bear and it's got something hard in it.

#347
I'll bet the wife put the vase

#348
in the teddy bear to steal it from the husband.

#349
No, no, that is absolute insanity.

#350
I'm gonna gut this thing.

#351
- No, no, no, no. - No, no, no, Frank.

#352
Hi. I'm Elbert. I love you.

#353
Hi. I'm Elbert. I love you.

#354
- Hi. I'm Elbert. I love you. - Shut up!

#355
- Hi. I'm Elbert. I love you. - Shut... Shut up.

#356
That is outrageous. That is an outrageous amount of noise.

#357
- Hi. I'm Elbert. I love you. - That's loud.

#358
Okay. I got to smother it.

#359
- Frank, do not. - Frank, stop it.

#360
- Hi. I'm Elbert. I love you. - Shut...

#361
- Hi. I'm Elbert... - Are you kidding me?

#362
God damn it.

#363
How have we not been caught at this point?

#364
Hey. What's up, guys?

#365
Charlie, what are you doing here?

#366
I snuck in.

#367
Mac was, like, being a dick about the walkie-talkie.

#368
You know, how we wouldn't let me push the button and stuff. Dick.

#369
So he can just sneak in, but we can't seem to sneak out?

#370
It wasn't easy. There's a ton of closets in this house.

#371
I didn't know which closet you were in, okay? I had to look in a lot.

#372
All right, well now that we've split you two idiots up,

#373
maybe we can finally get Mac to do a diversion.

#374
Hi, Mama. I'm home.

#375
Jesus Christ. Now there's a kid in the house?

#376
Mac, dude, a kid just walked into the house. A little heads up.

#377
Could you hold on one second, Dennis?

#378
Okay, so that's a double-double cheeseburger meal

#379
with a extra-large chocolate shake?

#380
Um, can you go ahead and throw an extra double cheeseburger on there, please?

#381
'Cause I'm very hungry.

#382
Now is not the time to run off and get a hamburger.

#383
- We need your help! - I didn't just run off, dude.

#384
- I'm coming back. - Well, we need you to come back now.

#385
We need you to create a diversion. We have got to get out of this house.

#386
What happened to Charlie's diversion?

#387
Charlie doesn't know what a diversion is apparently.

#388
He just ran directly into the house.

#389
Fine. I'll be right back.

#390
- Okay, great. Thank you. - Hey, get chips this time.

#391
- I'm not getting you chips! - You tell him I want chips.

#392
- He got mad at me for not getting... - Shut up.

#393
Well, you know what? I'll be a plumber.

#394
I'll knock on the front door, tell them I got a deal on pipes,

#395
you guys run out the back.

#396
That's a little elaborate, but okay.

#397
Ooh, I'll do a Swedish accent!

#398
Now, you do not do a Swedish accent. You don't know how to do one.

#399
And you don't need to, dude. These people don't know who you are!

#400
I can't just tell them that we're there to steal their artifact, Dennis.

#401
There is a huge amount of middle ground

#402
between those two things.

#403
I'm a Swedish plumber. I'm here to fix your pipes.

#404
That's a good accent.

#405
Do a Philadelphia accent if you insist on it.

#406
I'm not going to do a Philadelphia accent.

#407
I'm gonna do a Swedish accent because that's what Indy would do.

#408
This will work, Dennis. This will work.

#409
Don't worry about it, and don't worry about anything.

#410
I'm gonna kill you. I'm gonna kill you!

#411
Well, guys, looks like we're on our own.

#412
Let's just make our move. How'd you sneak in here?

#413
Front door.

#414
Let's just...

#415
Front door? You just walked right in the front door?

#416
Well, I ran. I had a little hustle going. But, yeah, front door.

#417
Mmm-hmm.

#418
I'm beginning to think we should just walk right out the front door then.

#419
I'm beginning to think that this family has zero awareness of their surroundings.

#420
- Let's go. Let's just go. - Oh, my God.

#421
So tell me, Madison, do you like Disneyland?

#422
- Yeah. - Okay, hold, hold, hold.

#423
Well, we are going there right now.

#424
Surprise!

#425
I already packed your suitcase.

#426
Did you pack Binky? Well, no, I packed Elbert.

#427
I don't want Elbert. I want Binky.

#428
Go grab your Binky and hurry up, 'cause we got to go!

#429
- They're taking a family trip. - Frank, Frank, Frank. Frank!

#430
Little girl coming your way.

#431
I'm gonna whip this little bitch in the face if she makes a peep.

#432
Binky. Binky, Binky, Binky.

#433
Binky!

#434
We are assholes.

#435
No one is planning to murder Jay Leno or anyone else.

#436
This is a nice woman planning a surprise California vacation.

#437
Dangerous family? No.

#438
Barry! What took you so long?

#439
Mama, how come Barry's here?

#440
Oh, well, uh, he's coming with us to Disneyland instead of Daddy.

#441
How'd you like it if we could go to Disneyland every day?

#442
Are we going to California? Without Daddy?

#443
- Well, I'll be your new daddy. - Uh-oh.

#444
- Come on. Yes. - Oh, my God, did you hear that?

#445
- What does that mean, new daddy? - She's having an affair,

#446
and they're all going to Disneyland.

#447
Oh!

#448
Barry, I followed you, you son of a bitch.

#449
- That's the dad. - He's home.

#450
Oh, my God. Dad's home.

#451
Oh, my God. So they're gonna confront each other.

#452
- This is bad. - How could you do this to me?

#453
Do you still love me?

#454
I don't know anymore.

#455
- Messy. - It's not good when the kids get involved.

#456
- Look, I love her, man. - Very sad.

#457
...or so help me I will beat the hell out of you.

#458
- Shit. - Let's just make a break for it.

#459
No! Are you kidding me? This whole thing's coming to a head right now.

#460
There's gonna be a massacre out there. I don't want to...

#461
Everybody shut up!

#462
Now, let's all just calm down.

#463
We'll talk this thing out like a family.

#464
I don't care if it takes all night.

#465
Oh, God, no. All night?

#466
I can't do all night, you guys. I don't have it in me.

#467
Screw it.

#468
Let's just walk right out.

#469
They're not gonna notice. They got a lot on their...

#470
- Walk right out. - Their marriage is falling apart.

#471
- Walk right out. - They got too much on their plate.

#472
- I'm just gonna walk right out. - Keep your eyes down. Let's do it.

#473
I'm trying to make this work.

#474
But if you want to go, you can go.

#475
But you're not taking my little girl.

#476
Oh.

#477
- Hello. - Hey.

#478
- Hello! I am a Swedish plumber... - No, no. Uh, Mac.

#479
Hey, Frank, we're out of here!

#480
Yo! Oh.

#481
The vase!

#482
Shit!

#483
- All right, we'll just, uh... - Okay. Yeah. All right.

#484
Why don't we... Why don't we head out?

#485
- Should've sideways'd it. - Nah. We should just...

#486
Thank you.

#487
- It was weird that they were Asian, right? - Yeah.

#488
- It's very weird. - Yeah. Was not expecting that.

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