Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S17E04 — Thought Leadership - A Corporate Conversation

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 17, Episode 4 — Thought Leadership - A Corporate Conversation

#1
Just have a seat right there. Would you like a drink or...

#2
- No. - No?

#3
How about a fresh glass of water?

#4
I have to just go back and gather myself with my buddies

#5
- before we start this. Okay? - Okay.

#6
- Right. Good. - But we are on the clock.

#7
Oh, yeah. And for the record, you know,

#8
you might want to jot down how well you're being treated

#9
at this professional establishment.

#10
- Frank, get over here. - Is she from the newspaper?

#11
We are in big trouble.

#12
We gotta come up with a statement for this reporter.

#13
- She's gonna butcher us. - Yeah, this is bad.

#14
Why don't we play dumb? Why do we have to come up with a statement?

#15
Because they found 500 gallons of baby oil dumped in the Schuylkill River.

#16
Wait. Dee might be right, 'cause they can't actually prove that that was us.

#17
Well, the 200 Paddy's pub T-shirts floating around in it

#18
- aren't exactly helping our case, pal. - Yeah, not helping.

#19
This is a good thing. This could be our Paddy's-gate.

#20
- Okay, there you go. - No, but gates aren't a good thing.

#21
I mean, Pizzagate, Watergate.

#22
- Nipplegate. Nipplegate. - Nipplegate.

#23
Janet Jackson's career was never the same.

#24
You're right, what happened...

#25
- Some things you gotta keep covered up. - Based off that. Yeah.

#26
- We've gotta come up with a statement. - Guys, guys, guys, guys!

#27
We can handle this.

#28
I mean this is why we went to that corporate retreat in Idaho.

#29
- Hmm. - Right, right.

#30
We didn't go to the retreat so much as watched clips of it on YouTube,

#31
but, you know, you're right, Mac. Normally a situation like this

#32
would have me clawing all your faces off.

#33
But I'm not gonna do that. I'm gonna utilize my words.

#34
I do see your hand is still in a bit of a claw.

#35
Yeah, I was ready to pounce.

#36
I had it hidden behind my head. I was ready...

#37
- Yeah, I hid it behind my leg. - I had a feeling.

#38
- Should we un... - No, let's all unclaw our hands.

#39
- Right? Because that was the old way. - Yeah, yeah.

#40
This is the new way, right?

#41
We've got the tools from the corporate retreat.

#42
- We've got the vocabulary. - Yeah.

#43
We've got these awesome fleece vests inspired by the retreat.

#44
- Oh, my God, I love the fleece. - God, I love these vests.

#45
You can let it all go under here.

#46
I appreciate you springing for that, Frank. Thank you very much.

#47
So, listen, we can handle this unpleasantry

#48
with the grace and elegance of any major corporation

#49
by utilizing a little thought leadership and simply talking this thing out.

#50
_

#51
First and foremost, the business must be protected at all times.

#52
- Yeah. - Yes.

#53
The business is infinitely more important than any individual.

#54
Yes, we are, of course, a family, but human emotion notwithstanding,

#55
I would be remiss not to mention that we are a business first,

#56
and as a business, we must behave as such.

#57
So I would like to posit, respectfully, of course, that we put forth an offering.

#58
- Yes, a lamb if you will. - No, I would say, uh,

#59
that lamb right now could be tender and delicious,

#60
but we have kind of bigger issues that we're dealing with

#61
that we need to discuss, and maybe, you know,

#62
eating lamb is not the best thing.

#63
- Momentarily speaking. - Thank you for that, Charlie,

#64
but of course I'm speaking of a sacrificial lamb.

#65
- Ah! - Maybe we need to

#66
walk through the series of events

#67
of the incident to figure out who the fall guy should be,

#68
and I would like to respectfully point out that the phrase is fall "guy."

#69
Thank you for pointing out that gender inequity, Dee.

#70
And, henceforth, let's refer to that position

#71
- as "fall person." - Mmm.

#72
Or we could circle back to, uh, animal-related, uh, conversations.

#73
We could consider "fall fish," uh, or "scapefish" or even "fall bird,"

#74
and then we're back to Dee.

#75
Oh, gosh, I'm so sorry guys, but, um,

#76
but my hand is so tightly clenched into a claw.

#77
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Same.

#78
- I'm feeling the claw again. - Same.

#79
All right, so why don't we do this? Let's all take a deep breath

#80
before we continue this conversation.

#81
Unclaw our hands.

#82
I think Dee is right.

#83
I think we got to take this mess from the beginning to find out how we got here.

#84
- Uh-huh. - Find out who's really to blame.

#85
Now, as you recall, it all started several weeks ago...

#86
Whoa!

#87
...when Frank found that jug out back.

#88
Yo, let me blow on that.

#89
No, you make sounds when you bang on it, not blow on it.

#90
- No, you blow on it. - No, no. Yeah, yeah.

#91
It sounds different when you put water...

#92
- But it's gonna be much deeper, like... - No, no, no. He's right.

#93
- You don't blow on it... - If you blow on it like that, it gets...

#94
You turn it upside-down...

#95
You don't bang on it...

#96
That led to a vigorous debate, which in turn led to vigorous clawing

#97
until we decided to stop fighting and, you know, simply get our own jugs.

#98
Annoyingly, however, the jugs were filled with fluid.

#99
What are we supposed to do with all this fluid?

#100
Uh... Yeah, can't really play them as an instrument until we...

#101
- Oh. - Yeah, that's a problem.

#102
We could... w-wash the bar with it.

#103
Uh, you don't wanna wash the bar with a... with a water-based liquid.

#104
- Make a fire and... - Plants love that.

#105
- Make a fire and put water... - Make a fire and put it out.

#106
What are you talking about? We're not gonna make a fire.

#107
- Well, if we start a fire... - Why would we start a fire?

#108
So we... so we have a reason to use all this liquid.

#109
After an hour-long argument about the best way to dispose of the fluid,

#110
we caved and decided the best way to make the jugs empty

#111
was to simply drink the water.

#112
Now if I'm braising something, is that a way to cook something,

#113
or is that shellacking it?

#114
Like, am I putting sauce on it?

#115
The inadvertent effect of the watercooler

#116
was not just hydration, but conversation.

#117
Is it about the sauce or the cooking technique or both?

#118
- It's about the crisping. - About both.

#119
The water tank became a think tank for business scaffolding,

#120
as well as recent health initiatives and, you know, general interest.

#121
Well, now I've taken to using baby oil almost exclusively when I get out of the shower.

#122
You know, I-I don't know if you guys know this,

#123
but you can actually put a tablespoon of baby oil in your coffee in the morning

#124
and it resets the pH balance of your gut biome.

#125
You drink it?

#126
You know, if you're gonna dump stuff, the best place is the ocean.

#127
I mean, you know, in a pinch, you go to a lake or a river,

#128
but you wanna get rid of something, ocean is the only way to go.

#129
Dennis, how do they get the oil out of the baby?

#130
Do they have to mash the babies up or grind them?

#131
Is it babies that are sick and dying already, or what is the oil...

#132
Don't be an idiot, Charlie. The babies are alive.

#133
They just wring them out like an old rag.

#134
The Cybertruck is by far the coolest piece of machinery

#135
that the space nerd has ever made. Right?

#136
- Absolutely. - I love that truck.

#137
I'm furious that all cars don't look like that.

#138
Dude, totally. You know what it is?

#139
It delivers on the promise of the future from our youth.

#140
- Yes. - Right?

#141
We thought all cars were going to look like that back in the day.

#142
Hard lines, sharp corners, DeLorean-like materials.

#143
Yeah, you know, it's the transportation fitting of a Terminator.

#144
- Totally a Terminator. - Yeah, absolutely.

#145
Yeah, it's like a rhombus on wheels.

#146
- Right, right. Absolutely. - That's right.

#147
We were firing on all cylinders,

#148
but things took a most exciting turn when one particular topic was raised.

#149
Gentlemen, what are your thoughts on slap fighting?

#150
Slap fighting? I'm not aware of this.

#151
Oh. Well, let me tell you.

#152
Just like the Cybertruck is the future of transportation,

#153
slap fighting is the future of dispute mitigation.

#154
And, my God, was he right. We had to try our hand at it.

#155
- The Egyptians, they like the cats. - Yeah. They like them.

#156
I know, but it's a... it's a cat-based society, you know what I mean?

#157
Yeah, but I understand that. But...

#158
- The cats are a huge part of their thing. - They like the cats.

#159
Everybody loved it. We swapped out the clawing for slapping.

#160
I mean, we were using it to-to-to settle arguments.

#161
We were using it to end the day, to start the day,

#162
to say goodbye, to say hello...

#163
...to celebrate, to mourn, everything, you know.

#164
But then Mac had a business idea.

#165
Gentlemen, let's discuss professional slap fighting.

#166
We were all slapped across the proverbial cheeks with this venture.

#167
Oh, shit.

#168
Take your shirts off, though.

#169
Whoa!

#170
It was his hand-face-based business venture

#171
that led to the off-lining of certain corporate assets

#172
into various aquatic bodies.

#173
So, Mac is clearly the prime candidate to fall on the metaphorical sword here. Yes?

#174
- Yeah. Sounds good. - Sure. Well, yeah. That adds up, right?

#175
Mm-hmm. That does seem to be the proper mathing. Yes.

#176
Yeah, I do... I do hear you guys on this.

#177
As long as we're outside of the earshot of this reporter,

#178
I'd like to add, you can stick this line of logic up your various assholes.

#179
Hmm.

#180
- All right, that's harsher language... - Interesting point.

#181
...than I thought we were allowed to use here, but...

#182
Also Dennis is leaving out a core friction point.

#183
Things were going smoothly

#184
until Dennis pointed out that the whole thing sorely lacked eroticism.

#185
Slaps and profits have gone up.

#186
- That's great. - Uh-huh.

#187
But chick saturation has gone down.

#188
- That's not good. - Uh-uh.

#189
The whole thing is sorely lacking eroticism.

#190
- The data is alarming. - Yeah.

#191
- Yeah! Yeah, yeah. - Well, let's fix that.

#192
- Go on. - Yeah, yeah.

#193
He pitched something with the eroticism of mud wrestling

#194
and the aggression of a Cybertruck.

#195
The world just has not delivered

#196
on the future that we were promised when we were growing up.

#197
We were promised mud wrestling. We were promised wet T-shirt contests.

#198
We were promised women going wild.

#199
At a certain point, we stopped women from going wild.

#200
Why did we do that?

#201
- They wanna go wild. - They should go wild.

#202
They want to go wild. Let's let them go wild.

#203
They're too dry, and so they don't feel wild.

#204
Yeah, exactly. Guys, let's get back to our core values.

#205
Th-There is an underserved market for one-on-one erotic sport competition

#206
between scantily-clad, oiled-up women.

#207
He proposed pivoting away from dudes

#208
and investing all of our resources more heavily into women and baby oil.

#209
Whoa!

#210
This is why Dennis's head must roll. I compliment him on the innovation,

#211
but the idea was a little chunky, if I'm being honest.

#212
My personal distaste for women aside,

#213
I think you crapped the bed on the execution.

#214
We were over-leveraged in the baby oil department

#215
and subsequential environmental what-have-yous

#216
from the off-lining have left us in this particular situation.

#217
Which is why I nominate Dennis. Right time, right skull.

#218
- I like it. I like it. - I gotta say I'm impressed.

#219
You know, you're coming at me open-kimono here,

#220
and I appreciate that, so kudos, you know.

#221
But I do think we need to helicopter up, stretch the vantage point a little bit.

#222
I think we need to chew on the key protein here,

#223
- which I believe to be Dee. - Mmm.

#224
With the women slappers in the bar, we were thriving,

#225
but we weren't quite reaching the erotic escape velocity that I was hoping for.

#226
I mean... really, all it is

#227
is there's one lingering problem with the women.

#228
- What? They're ugly. - They're ugly.

#229
- I didn't wanna say it, but they are ugly. - Yeah.

#230
They're a bit gruff, aren't they?

#231
The big issue for me is you can't put baby oil on any of these women, you know.

#232
They'll bite you.

#233
I had one almost bend my arm completely in half.

#234
- I tried to put baby oil on her and she... - I got pinned by her too, man.

#235
Yeah, yeah. So you know, like, chick saturation is up. That's good.

#236
- But the attractive/oil saturation... - It's way down, yeah.

#237
- It's way down. - Way down. Why is that?

#238
So, we need to find a way to lure in hotter women.

#239
Yeah, that's all it is. You know what I mean?

#240
Anybody got any ideas?

#241
Back in the day when we were taking down all the aluminum siding,

#242
what are we gonna do with all that asbestos that was left?

#243
- We dumped it in the Schuylkill. - Oh, you did?

#244
- Yeah. - Okay.

#245
But in order to get 'em to do it, we lured 'em in with a Cadillac.

#246
Oh!

#247
That's what you gotta do with the women.

#248
- You think we get these gals a Cadillac... - Yeah!

#249
...and we say, you know, "You win a slap fight, you get a Cadillac"?

#250
- Everybody needs money. - Wait.

#251
I know exactly what we should do.

#252
Oh! I was thinking the same thing.

#253
I doubt it.

#254
Oh!

#255
Look at this thing. Oh, man. Frank, baby, this is quite the prize.

#256
- Yeah. - Nicely done, Frank.

#257
- Yeah. - Wow.

#258
Look at the hard angles on this.

#259
- Yeah. - It's beautiful, man.

#260
The Cybertruck lured in a much sexier talent pool.

#261
We were really excited about the quality of slapper,

#262
but there was one that stood out above all the others.

#263
I mean, we couldn't take our eyes off her.

#264
I can't wait to see the headlights on her.

#265
- Yeah! - Yeah.

#266
Yeah. Well, and you never will see 'em, Frank.

#267
Because there's only one single headlight.

#268
- It's a single headlight, yeah. - Oh.

#269
We couldn't give her away. We had to have her.

#270
It wasn't long before we came up with a plan to retain her for ourselves.

#271
We would just have to win the slap contest, you know.

#272
We needed a ringer, someone to tear through these waifish models

#273
and ensure the truck would remain in our portfolio.

#274
Figure something out though.

#275
What are you guys doing?

#276
Huh?

#277
Oh!

#278
Dee was tearing through girls

#279
like a paper shredder through company records.

#280
And we knew she would, as I had explained it with a graph.

#281
The lower the self-esteem, the harder the slap. And Dee could take a hit too.

#282
Right? Years of getting slapped around by Frank, right?

#283
- Yeah. - Those were the days.

#284
- Oh, yeah. Better times. - If say so, buddy. If you say so.

#285
She had it all, and she delivered slap after slap.

#286
Sexy women, aggressive violence, futuristic trucks.

#287
Everything was going according to plan. Till Dee got knocked out.

#288
Dee, I thank you for your service. I love you like a sister.

#289
Well, I am your sister.

#290
Well, you know, familial ties notwithstanding.

#291
Uh, I think you kinda drained the kettle on that one.

#292
And, hey, you know, no offense,

#293
but I think you've proven yourself to be pretty good at taking a fall.

#294
Guys, I know things are getting hot, okay?

#295
But I think we're styling the wrong mannequin here.

#296
I would have won that competition

#297
if it wasn't for our associate deviating from the business plan,

#298
and that would be Charlie.

#299
Oh. Uh... Wow.

#300
He fell back on some old bad habits.

#301
Fool.

#302
What's up?

#303
- What's going on? New car? I like it. - Oh, God.

#304
- Okay. What is this? Why are you here? - Pretty sweet. Is that a Geo?

#305
Well, I got a business opportunity for you.

#306
Oh, a business opportunity?

#307
- Yeah. Check this out. - Oh, good.

#308
- Yeah, you're gonna like this. - Great. I bet.

#309
We're doing these oiled-up slap fights in the bar.

#310
Oiled-up slap fights?

#311
Yeah, we're oiling girls and they're slapping each other.

#312
- You're oiling girls up? - Yeah.

#313
So I could oil you or you could oil yourself, but...

#314
Did you come here to ask me if I want to get oiled by you?

#315
- Are you stalking me again? - Yeah.

#316
Stalking? Whoa. Since when did I ever stalk you? No, that's not my thing.

#317
- Flirting, maybe. But... - Okay.

#318
Hey, look, you don't have to do it,

#319
but I will say that the winner of the thing is gonna get a free truck,

#320
but I suppose you like this car better, you know.

#321
You're giving away a truck?

#322
A Cybertruck.

#323
Mmm.

#324
Little did he know that she wasn't just driving that crappy car,

#325
she was living in it.

#326
The allure of the Cybertruck

#327
and a lifetime of petty misery suffered by this woman

#328
rendered her unstoppable.

#329
Yeah. Okay. Who's next?

#330
Uh... Hey. I got an idea, all right?

#331
W-What if you and I get a little side pot going, right?

#332
You and me, we... we tone down on the slaps, we call it a tie,

#333
and that way we can share the Cyber...

#334
Yeah!

#335
I was sucker-punched.

#336
- No. - No.

#337
- Mm-mmm. - In your dreams.

#338
No. You were looking right at her.

#339
She slapped the shit out of me, but I wasn't ready.

#340
It was uncalled for and it wasn't fair.

#341
To make matters worse, Frank reversed course

#342
and refused to make her whole.

#343
What do you mean I don't get the truck?

#344
- It's all in the terms and conditions. - What?

#345
Look. "Cybertruck not included." Can you read?

#346
- Oh, my God! - Can you read?

#347
- What? - Oh, my God.

#348
- Screw you. Screw you guys so hard! - In plain writing.

#349
- Oh, I'm taking this public. For this. - Don't you dare.

#350
Needless to say, she was pissed, and she promised to go public.

#351
And let's face it, we didn't have permits for any of this.

#352
Which led to the panic and dumping of assets

#353
to erase the trail of corporate culture and create plausible deniability.

#354
I'm gonna call the newspaper.

#355
As the crow flies here, I think we could all see from a bird's-eye view

#356
that had Charlie not invited the Waitress, none of this would've happened.

#357
So Charlie should take the fall.

#358
And I would say all due respect, but I don't respect you.

#359
It's true, Charlie. We may have reached our inflection point.

#360
Okay, great. Yeah, that's all good. Yeah.

#361
And I-I'm hearing you guys, you know, ear-wise.

#362
And, um, you know, mouth-wise, uh, you're giving me various wordables,

#363
uh, that are adding up to thoughts.

#364
This is good. I see how you're trying to clip my wings so that I can fly.

#365
That's not how birds work. That makes them "un-fly."

#366
Okay. I did not know that you were the bird expert.

#367
But I would like to pivot here, you know, before I fall on the sword,

#368
and say that I was also using my eyeballs this entire time for various observables.

#369
Because I realized... ...that Frank was, you know,

#370
growing in hardness as the eroticism in the bar was increasing.

#371
And, uh, he was becoming as hard as a Cybertruck himself,

#372
you know, which you could see.

#373
Cheese, of course, is also on this graph.

#374
- Just keep going. - Uh, moving past.

#375
Well, the main thing here is that I think we now have our open-sliced lamb.

#376
You know, open commando person.

#377
- What? - What are you saying?

#378
I'm saying it should be Frank, man.

#379
Because he was throwing an orgy in the basement the entire time.

#380
- What? - Yes.

#381
I realized Frank was trying to capitalize on the erotic environment

#382
and pivot into a more orgasmic business model, right?

#383
And I noticed various unsavory investors were paying Frank

#384
to try to get in on the ground floor.

#385
Dear God. Damn, you are not good at this.

#386
I'm tryna say dudes were paying Frank to go into the basement.

#387
- Mm-hmm. - Right.

#388
And he was failing in his efforts to poach talent from the slapping pool.

#389
Ooh. I like those straps, and I can't wait to see it off. Let's go downstairs.

#390
And I knew this 'cause chicks were slapping him constantly.

#391
But then I saw him trying to headhunt for new key players in this thing.

#392
Yo, baby. I need a prostitute.

#393
But he was running up against some logistical hurdles.

#394
Well, when's she coming back from The Bahamas?

#395
So, the slap fighting and the basement full of men.

#396
The whole thing was just a big red flag. He had a target on his back and whatnot.

#397
So, when The Waitress got all pissed off she wasn't gonna get a Cybertruck,

#398
and the police were potentially going to get involved, Frank panicked.

#399
He was worried about the orgy,

#400
which led to the dumping into the Schuylkills and whatnot.

#401
And so that is why he is the person that... that should take this fall.

#402
Um, also, there's still a bunch of dudes in the basement.

#403
- Uh... What? Right now? - What?

#404
Yeah, there's, like, guys down there now.

#405
- Dude. - Right? How many are down there?

#406
- Eleven. Eleven. Eleven's the answer. - Eleven dudes in the basement.

#407
- The reporter could see all this. - Yeah, one could come up.

#408
- It could be an issue for us. - Oh, shit.

#409
We got to figure out what we're gonna do and get her out of here.

#410
I agree with Charlie. I think Frank should take the fall for the whole thing.

#411
- Well, that's insane. - You drove a Cybertruck into the river.

#412
I didn't know. I thought it was an aquatic vehicle.

#413
- It's an environmental nightmare. - It should be, but it's not.

#414
If anything, it looks like it goes into space.

#415
- Yeah, it should be but it's not. - The liberal press

#416
is going to crucify us.

#417
I gotta come clean.

#418
I think the truck is ugly.

#419
Damn it. I knew you were gonna say that. I knew she was gonna say that.

#420
Stupid. You're stupid. I call bullshit on that.

#421
All right. Enough, enough.

#422
I've had enough with the charts and the maps and the graphs.

#423
It's clear you're all good foot soldiers, loyal servants and whatnot.

#424
But it's time we connect the Legos here and boil down to our core values.

#425
Yes, hammer down on our brand identity and come out open commando.

#426
- I said the commando thing. - Didn't make sense the first time.

#427
I thought it was... It sounded cool and I want to circle back.

#428
- If you're doing it 'cause it's cool... - Okay. I got a plan,

#429
and this is it.

#430
Okay. Here we go.

#431
Um, ma'am, we are finally ready to make our statement.

#432
Yeah, yeah.

#433
No comment.

#434
That said, we are no longer gonna drink, serve, or have anything to do

#435
- that represents water. - Yeah.

#436
- Water is not the cornerstone of our company. - Mm-mmm.

#437
And we will hereby, uh, be getting rid of the watercooler.

#438
- Gone. - Gone.

#439
Excuse me, I-I'm not sure what you're talking about.

#440
Sorry. We got on talking like this when we started over-hydrating.

#441
Yeah, we watched a couple YouTube clips about a corporate retreat.

#442
Got some water, got hydrated.

#443
So, we're not gonna talk about that subject anymore.

#444
- No more water. - No comment is the main thing, right?

#445
- Yeah. What I said in the beginning. - Yeah. And no water.

#446
I'm sorry, do you think I'm a reporter?

#447
Yeah.

#448
No. I'm here for the orgy.

#449
Oh. Oh.

#450
Good. Great. Great.

#451
Oh. Hey, guys, the whore is here.

#452
- I was waiting for you. - I told you guys, man.

#453
- That's one woman. - Yeah.

#454
Yeah. T-That's not an orgy. That's a...

#455
- No. No. - That's a gangbang.

#456
- No. No. - That's a gangbang, yeah.

#457
We really should find a way to exit Frank.

#458
- synced and corrected by sot26 - www.addic7ed.com

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