Home » Scrubs » S05E09 — My Half-Acre

Scrubs

Season 5, Episode 9 — My Half-Acre

#1
(drums play)

#2
What's going on?

#3
We're putting together an air band for that contest.

#4
We're putting together an air band for that contest.

#5
Someone's gotta win water park tickets. Might as well be us.

#6
Someone's gotta win water park tickets. Might as well be us.

#7
Slammin' solo, but I have to ask, how's things with the drug problem?

#8
Slammin' solo, but I have to ask, how's things with the drug problem?

#9
Three days sober.

#10
Three days sober.

#11
Excellence.

#12
OK. We'll be in touch.

#13
OK. We'll be in touch.

#14
Well, Mrs Nickels, it was an honour being your doctor.

#15
Well, Mrs Nickels, it was an honour being your doctor.

#16
Oh, you're such a nice young man.

#17
I'd love to set you up with my grandniece.

#18
I'd love to set you up with my grandniece.

#19
Oh, thank you. I'm not big on blind dates.

#20
Oh, thank you. I'm not big on blind dates.

#21
I haven't hit it in a while, but there's good reason for that.

#22
I haven't hit it in a while, but there's good reason for that.

#23
Two good reasons: Face and personality.

#24
Sticks and stones may break my bones...

#25
Sticks and stones may break my bones...

#26
But words will hurt forever.

#27
But words will hurt forever.

#28
For me to be set up with your niece,

#29
I'd need to know a lot more about her.

#30
I'd need to know a lot more about her.

#31
She's single.

#32
My blind date should be here.

#33
I gotta thank Mrs Nickels for setting this up.

#34
I gotta thank Mrs Nickels for setting this up.

#35
Oh, Mrs Nickels, you blue-haired bitch.

#36
Oh, Mrs Nickels, you blue-haired bitch.

#37
Wait. She's veering off.

#38
Phew.

#39
Phew.

#40
OK, Mrs Nickels. Your new hip is on the house because this girl is amazing.

#41
OK, Mrs Nickels. Your new hip is on the house because this girl is amazing.

#42
OK, Mrs Nickels. Your new hip is on the house because this girl is amazing.

#43
And yet there's something so accessible about her.

#44
And yet there's something so accessible about her.

#45
I wonder what it is.

#46
I wonder what it is.

#47
I'm gonna have the carrot cake.

#48
I'm gonna have the carrot cake.

#49
So she was a bit of a klutz.

#50
So she was a bit of a klutz.

#51
Did you see that? Please say no.

#52
Did you see that? Please say no.

#53
No.

#54
From that moment on, it was the greatest date ever.

#55
From that moment on, it was the greatest date ever.

#56
We had so much in common.

#57
I ride a scooter, I love Harry Potter so much I wish I was a wizard

#58
I ride a scooter, I love Harry Potter so much I wish I was a wizard

#59
and I've hated sports since I was a kid.

#60
and I've hated sports since I was a kid.

#61
Me too! Do you ever, like, drift off and have weird fantasies?

#62
Me too! Do you ever, like, drift off and have weird fantasies?

#63
Sometimes.

#64
Want me to see if they'll give us some more coffee

#65
Want me to see if they'll give us some more coffee

#66
or want to just call it a night?

#67
And then she gave the world's best answer.

#68
And then she gave the world's best answer.

#69
Neither.

#70
Neither.

#71
J.D., you home?

#72
My roommate. Back in one second.

#73
My roommate. Back in one second.

#74
So I guess your date sucked, huh?

#75
So I guess your date sucked, huh?

#76
Why don't you ask her if our date sucked? She's in my room.

#77
Why don't you ask her if our date sucked? She's in my room.

#78
Twenty bucks says you blow it in five minutes.

#79
Unlikely, 'cause what's waiting for me in my room

#80
Unlikely, 'cause what's waiting for me in my room

#81
is what's known in football terms as a slam dunk.

#82
is what's known in football terms as a slam dunk.

#83
One Mississippi. Two Mississippi...

#84
One Mississippi. Two Mississippi...

#85
It's late. I gotta go. I have a dog and a fish.

#86
It's late. I gotta go. I have a dog and a fish.

#87
I have to feed them and walk them and stuff. I'm Julie. Hi.

#88
I have to feed them and walk them and stuff. I'm Julie. Hi.

#89
I was Elliot.

#90
Twenty bucks, please.

#91
Twenty bucks, please.

#92
Double or nothing. Bet you I can jump from this couch to the counter.

#93
Double or nothing. Bet you I can jump from this couch to the counter.

#94
Check it. Eagle!

#95
Check it. Eagle!

#96
Pay me in the morning.

#97
Pay me in the morning.

#98
(theme song)

#99
(theme song)

#100
Why would Julie take off like that? I'll bet you my body intimidated her.

#101
Why would Julie take off like that? I'll bet you my body intimidated her.

#102
That's it. I am selling that Bowflex on Craigslist.

#103
That's it. I am selling that Bowflex on Craigslist.

#104
I'm sure you said something that sucked the romance out of the moment.

#105
I'm sure you said something that sucked the romance out of the moment.

#106
You used to do that when we were dating.

#107
You used to do that when we were dating.

#108
Like when?

#109
Are you getting thicker? You feel a little thicker.

#110
Are you getting thicker? You feel a little thicker.

#111
What?

#112
I may have told her that she smells like my mom.

#113
I may have told her that she smells like my mom.

#114
Which, by the way, I still maintain is a compliment.

#115
- What are you talking about? - Well, J.D. Has this...

#116
- What are you talking about? - Well, J.D. Has this...

#117
Already bored.

#118
Already bored.

#119
Look! Will you say goodbye to Jack? I have to drop him off.

#120
Look! Will you say goodbye to Jack? I have to drop him off.

#121
Bye, little man.

#122
Bye, little man.

#123
Perry, this is your son, not a rescued pit bull. Give him a kiss.

#124
Perry, this is your son, not a rescued pit bull. Give him a kiss.

#125
Jordan, he's starting to look like a guy

#126
and I'm just not real big on kissing guys.

#127
and I'm just not real big on kissing guys.

#128
When my father showed me affection,

#129
When my father showed me affection,

#130
he'd purposely miss when he threw bottles at my head.

#131
You are gonna be a much better dad than your dad was.

#132
You are gonna be a much better dad than your dad was.

#133
Now give him a proper goodbye.

#134
Now give him a proper goodbye.

#135
Son, always a pleasure.

#136
Son, always a pleasure.

#137
No more kissing!

#138
You're crazy!

#139
You're crazy!

#140
That's right. He is.

#141
I don't understand. Why wouldn't you kiss him?

#142
I don't understand. Why wouldn't you kiss him?

#143
Stay out of it, Carla.

#144
- Stay out of what? - He won't kiss his son.

#145
- Stay out of what? - He won't kiss his son.

#146
What is wrong with you?

#147
Hate to disappoint, but my quota for women

#148
Hate to disappoint, but my quota for women

#149
who bug the bejesus out of me has been met for a billion years.

#150
who bug the bejesus out of me has been met for a billion years.

#151
Now, Mrs Wilk, you have developed an allergy to melphalan.

#152
Now, Mrs Wilk, you have developed an allergy to melphalan.

#153
I've come up with a new regimen that will enable us to continue.

#154
I've come up with a new regimen that will enable us to continue.

#155
OK.

#156
Oh, I think he described all the extra effort he put in

#157
Oh, I think he described all the extra effort he put in

#158
so you'd tell him what an amazing doctor he is.

#159
Now you've told me, it won't sound sincere.

#160
He won't care.

#161
Dr Cox, you're amazing.

#162
Dr Cox, you're amazing.

#163
It's just my job.

#164
It's just my job.

#165
Well, thanks for coming to the audition in costume.

#166
Well, thanks for coming to the audition in costume.

#167
Well, thanks for coming to the audition in costume.

#168
What costume?

#169
Somethin' funny?

#170
Dude, I just came up with the perfect name for your band: Mercy Flush.

#171
Dude, I just came up with the perfect name for your band: Mercy Flush.

#172
Do you think this is easy?

#173
Do you think this is easy?

#174
I don't know what it is, but he's got it.

#175
- He's going to be trouble. - I know.

#176
But he's so damn talented.

#177
But he's so damn talented.

#178
I'd convinced Julie to meet me

#179
by explaining that my comment was a miscommunication.

#180
by explaining that my comment was a miscommunication.

#181
I wasn't saying you smelled like my mom. I was saying you smelled like Mu-Mum.

#182
I wasn't saying you smelled like my mom. I was saying you smelled like Mu-Mum.

#183
It's an exotic flower that's indigenous to the hills of Costa Rica.

#184
It's an exotic flower that's indigenous to the hills of Costa Rica.

#185
God, I feel so stupid.

#186
God, I feel so stupid.

#187
Hugsies.

#188
Oh, Mommy.

#189
Oh, Mommy.

#190
- See you later. - Yes.

#191
OK.

#192
OK.

#193
Oh, gosh.

#194
- Oh, my God! - Oh, gosh! Oh, here.

#195
- Oh, my God! - Oh, gosh! Oh, here.

#196
Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh! I am so, so sorry.

#197
Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh! I am so, so sorry.

#198
- Oh, no, it happens. - It does. It happens.

#199
- Oh, no, it happens. - It does. It happens.

#200
Bye.

#201
Isn't she great?

#202
So you got the second date. Just don't repeat the mistakes you made with me.

#203
So you got the second date. Just don't repeat the mistakes you made with me.

#204
Don't speed and pretend your brakes are out.

#205
Don't speed and pretend your brakes are out.

#206
I don't care if it got you laid once in high school.

#207
I don't care if it got you laid once in high school.

#208
It is not funny and I have not forgiven you for killing that pony.

#209
But most importantly,

#210
But most importantly,

#211
if you ever find yourself in a romantic situation again,

#212
if you ever find yourself in a romantic situation again,

#213
ignore whatever pops into your head.

#214
Just look into her eyes and say these exact words:

#215
Just look into her eyes and say these exact words:

#216
"I'm so glad I found you."

#217
"I'm so glad I found you."

#218
Telling me what to say. Next you'll tell me how to kiss. Where does it end?

#219
Telling me what to say. Next you'll tell me how to kiss. Where does it end?

#220
You are such a good kisser, J.D.

#221
You are such a good kisser, J.D.

#222
Right back at you.

#223
And I love that you're calling me J.D.

#224
And I love that you're calling me J.D.

#225
Stay away from my girlfriend, Elliot.

#226
Stay away from my girlfriend, Elliot.

#227
And stay away from my J.D. Wigs!

#228
And stay away from my J.D. Wigs!

#229
Dr Cox, could you help me with a central line?

#230
Dr Cox, could you help me with a central line?

#231
Fine, Lonnie, but hand to God,

#232
if you so much as look at me for the next month,

#233
if you so much as look at me for the next month,

#234
I will mummify your head in surgical tape.

#235
I will mummify your head in surgical tape.

#236
Thank you, Dr Cox.

#237
Is he gone? No. Hello?

#238
Is he gone? No. Hello?

#239
Mrs London, this is Dr Cox. He's going to be your doctor.

#240
Mrs London, this is Dr Cox. He's going to be your doctor.

#241
Good news. Your intestinal bleeding can be fixed with a very simple surgery.

#242
Good news. Your intestinal bleeding can be fixed with a very simple surgery.

#243
Surgery? I'm a Jehovah's Witness.

#244
Surgery? I'm a Jehovah's Witness.

#245
I can't get a transfusion.

#246
We believe that blood should not be passed from person to person.

#247
We believe that blood should not be passed from person to person.

#248
I'm a doctor. And we believe that without surgery,

#249
I'm a doctor. And we believe that without surgery,

#250
a patient in your condition can suffer from a major case of deadness.

#251
a patient in your condition can suffer from a major case of deadness.

#252
Don't worry, he'll figure out another way to treat you.

#253
Don't worry, he'll figure out another way to treat you.

#254
No, he won't.

#255
I'm having so much fun hanging out with you.

#256
I'm having so much fun hanging out with you.

#257
Can you believe we've talked two hours?

#258
- Seriously? - While you were in the bathroom,

#259
- Seriously? - While you were in the bathroom,

#260
I set the clock ahead so you'd think time was flying.

#261
I set the clock ahead so you'd think time was flying.

#262
Really? While I was in the bathroom, I wrote my name in the mirror

#263
Really? While I was in the bathroom, I wrote my name in the mirror

#264
with my finger so next time it fogged,

#265
you'd think ghosts were saying to be with me.

#266
you'd think ghosts were saying to be with me.

#267
Looking at her, I knew what the future held for Julie and me.

#268
Looking at her, I knew what the future held for Julie and me.

#269
Smile.

#270
Smile.

#271
Oh, God, this mask is hot.

#272
Oh, God, this mask is hot.

#273
Thanks for doing that.

#274
I wanted a picture of us old, you know?

#275
I wanted a picture of us old, you know?

#276
That way if one of us dies in a tragic skiing accident,

#277
we'll always have that memory of us.

#278
That's so sweet.

#279
That's so sweet.

#280
So, what do you want to do now?

#281
OK, romance is in the air. You gotta say something.

#282
OK, romance is in the air. You gotta say something.

#283
Tell her about the hit-and-run. She loves ponies.

#284
Tell her about the hit-and-run. She loves ponies.

#285
Ask if she's been tested. Why these odd thoughts in my head?

#286
Ask if she's been tested. Why these odd thoughts in my head?

#287
My God, look at the size of her feet. Tell her. Stop it!

#288
My God, look at the size of her feet. Tell her. Stop it!

#289
OK, the silence has gone on too long.

#290
Say that thing Elliot told you, though it's stupid.

#291
Say that thing Elliot told you, though it's stupid.

#292
I'm really glad I found you.

#293
I'm really glad I found you.

#294
Yes! That was very tight.

#295
Well, it seems I've stumbled into the "time well spent" ward.

#296
Well, it seems I've stumbled into the "time well spent" ward.

#297
Back in your cage, Ted.

#298
Back in your cage, Ted.

#299
Oh, God. What have I done?

#300
Oh, God. What have I done?

#301
I need you to volunteer to speak at a critical care conference.

#302
I need you to volunteer to speak at a critical care conference.

#303
I don't see that happening, Bobby.

#304
Excuse me?

#305
It's not like you're the king around here.

#306
'Morning, Elliot.

#307
'Morning, Elliot.

#308
By the way, Julie's here. I'm not gonna kiss and tell.

#309
Oh, really? 'Cause I just got your text that said "bone city."

#310
Oh, really? 'Cause I just got your text that said "bone city."

#311
Oh, really? That came through?

#312
Oh, really? That came through?

#313
When you care about something, the last thing you want is for it to be taken away.

#314
When you care about something, the last thing you want is for it to be taken away.

#315
Whether it's a newfound hobby...

#316
Whether it's a newfound hobby...

#317
Why'd you want to see me?

#318
Quick announcement.

#319
From this moment on, there will be no air-banding allowed in the hospital.

#320
From this moment on, there will be no air-banding allowed in the hospital.

#321
From this moment on, there will be no air-banding allowed in the hospital.

#322
The king has spoken.

#323
The king has spoken.

#324
(Elvis impersonation) Thank you very much.

#325
... or the image of someone you looked up to.

#326
... or the image of someone you looked up to.

#327
So, come on, tell me.

#328
What are you gonna do with our Jehovah's Witness?

#329
What are you gonna do with our Jehovah's Witness?

#330
I'm not gonna do anything.

#331
I'm not gonna do anything.

#332
So, what's going to happen?

#333
I would say she's probably going to die.

#334
I would say she's probably going to die.

#335
As for me, all I lost was my pride.

#336
As for me, all I lost was my pride.

#337
Hey, Elliot. Oh, J. D? I'm glad I found you too.

#338
Hey, Elliot. Oh, J. D? I'm glad I found you too.

#339
Well, that sounds familiar.

#340
Well, that sounds familiar.

#341
I think there's a tchotchke in my bum.

#342
So I had to use Elliot's advice with Julie.

#343
So I had to use Elliot's advice with Julie.

#344
Luckily, she's not great at gloating.

#345
Luckily, she's not great at gloating.

#346
You had sex with a beautiful girl you really like.

#347
Sometimes she needs a little help.

#348
Sometimes she needs a little help.

#349
You probably meant to say if it weren't for you, I'd be dating my laptop.

#350
You probably meant to say if it weren't for you, I'd be dating my laptop.

#351
Right! In your face!

#352
Thank you.

#353
I like Julie, so don't do that thing you always do.

#354
I like Julie, so don't do that thing you always do.

#355
If you're referring to the game Find the Saltine, relax.

#356
I don't even play that with Turk.

#357
I don't even play that with Turk.

#358
No, I am talking about how you go a million miles an hour

#359
No, I am talking about how you go a million miles an hour

#360
the minute you fall for someone. Don't go quickly,

#361
or you'll end up with a beautiful girl.

#362
or you'll end up with a beautiful girl.

#363
- Dating my laptop. - Dating your laptop. Thank you.

#364
- Dating my laptop. - Dating your laptop. Thank you.

#365
I knew he'd be trouble.

#366
Come on now. We're still a band.

#367
Come on now. We're still a band.

#368
Let's bring it in. Cool cats on three.

#369
- One, two, three: - Cool cats!

#370
- One, two, three: - Cool cats!

#371
Let's roll.

#372
Let's roll.

#373
When Mrs Wilk was allergic to melphalan, you found a way around it.

#374
When Mrs Wilk was allergic to melphalan, you found a way around it.

#375
Why aren't you doing the same?

#376
Because Mrs Wilk didn't choose to have her allergy, so...

#377
Because Mrs Wilk didn't choose to have her allergy, so...

#378
Wait, there's a young man behind you with a medical question.

#379
Wait, there's a young man behind you with a medical question.

#380
Will you kiss me?

#381
Will you kiss me?

#382
Leaving.

#383
You're eventually gonna have to kiss your boy.

#384
You're eventually gonna have to kiss your boy.

#385
You will have to treat that Jehovah's Witness.

#386
You will have to treat that Jehovah's Witness.

#387
God, elevator.

#388
He's got my back, even if I don't technically believe in him.

#389
He's got my back, even if I don't technically believe in him.

#390
Behind your ear.

#391
My friend, you have found the Saltine.

#392
But don't tell Elliot we're playing.

#393
Why care what Elliot thinks? She's not right about everything.

#394
Why care what Elliot thinks? She's not right about everything.

#395
I won't go too fast with Julie.

#396
I won't go too fast with Julie.

#397
Land for sale.

#398
Land for sale.

#399
Dr Kelso, I'll go to that conference.

#400
Dr Kelso, I'll go to that conference.

#401
I have many more pressing issues,

#402
starting with a gigantic paralyzed wife,

#403
starting with a gigantic paralyzed wife,

#404
ending with a gay son who wrote a scathing musical about me

#405
ending with a gay son who wrote a scathing musical about me

#406
called Dr Dad, which, despite mixed reviews, has been held over in Buffalo.

#407
called Dr Dad, which, despite mixed reviews, has been held over in Buffalo.

#408
Why don't you do whatever you want to do.

#409
It was never about you saying no to the conference.

#410
It was never about you saying no to the conference.

#411
It's the way you said it.

#412
You see that man there? His biggest pet peeve,

#413
except for employees storing deer meat in his fridge,

#414
except for employees storing deer meat in his fridge,

#415
is people being disrespectful to him.

#416
is people being disrespectful to him.

#417
Do you play?

#418
- Lonnie, what are you doing? - Since Dr Cox won't treat Mrs London,

#419
- Lonnie, what are you doing? - Since Dr Cox won't treat Mrs London,

#420
we have to transfer her to another facility.

#421
All right, listen up and listen good. I will kill anyone who tells Carla.

#422
All right, listen up and listen good. I will kill anyone who tells Carla.

#423
That includes you, Mrs London. I will save your life.

#424
That includes you, Mrs London. I will save your life.

#425
Then I will take it away. Let's get to work.

#426
Then I will take it away. Let's get to work.

#427
Lonnie... are you looking at me again?

#428
Lonnie... are you looking at me again?

#429
No.

#430
Are we crazy to be thinking about buying this?

#431
No, it's a sound investment. And a great addition to my portfolio.

#432
No, it's a sound investment. And a great addition to my portfolio.

#433
Which consists of two shares of Eastern Airlines stock

#434
Which consists of two shares of Eastern Airlines stock

#435
and an unopened pack of Les Mis cards.

#436
and an unopened pack of Les Mis cards.

#437
J.D., this is a mistake.

#438
You're not Broker of the Year Whit Prowdy.

#439
You're not Broker of the Year Whit Prowdy.

#440
Don't do this. You're going too fast.

#441
Don't do this. You're going too fast.

#442
- Why should I believe you? - Because honesty is my business.

#443
- Why should I believe you? - Because honesty is my business.

#444
I hate you, Whit Prowdy.

#445
Can I talk to you for a second?

#446
Just you? Or all the Turkeltones?

#447
Just you? Or all the Turkeltones?

#448
We don't just rock together. We roll together.

#449
We don't just rock together. We roll together.

#450
Cool cats.

#451
Sir, I want to apologise for how I spoke to you.

#452
Sir, I want to apologise for how I spoke to you.

#453
It was disrespectful,

#454
and I can promise you it will never happen again.

#455
and I can promise you it will never happen again.

#456
You bet your ass it won't.

#457
You bet your ass it won't.

#458
OK. So what's the deal, cranky pants?

#459
I am just sick and tired of having to live up to everyone's expectations.

#460
I am just sick and tired of having to live up to everyone's expectations.

#461
Lonnie needs a central line, you want me to help Mrs London

#462
Lonnie needs a central line, you want me to help Mrs London

#463
and every patient in this dump

#464
and every patient in this dump

#465
looks at me for some miracle cure.

#466
I mean, honestly, Carla, with Jehovah as my witness,

#467
sometimes it is just too much.

#468
sometimes it is just too much.

#469
Yeah, yeah. I'm not buying it.

#470
Yeah, yeah. I'm not buying it.

#471
You've been putting up with that for 20 years.

#472
It's not just here. It's home.

#473
It's not just here. It's home.

#474
Jordan expects me to be this amazing, sensitive father.

#475
Jordan expects me to be this amazing, sensitive father.

#476
So that's what this is about?

#477
You shouldn't sweat this "sensitive dad" stuff. You'll get there.

#478
You shouldn't sweat this "sensitive dad" stuff. You'll get there.

#479
You don't know anything.

#480
You don't know anything.

#481
Oh, really? How is it going with your Jehovah's Witness patient?

#482
Oh, really? How is it going with your Jehovah's Witness patient?

#483
Better.

#484
How'd you know I'd move too fast?

#485
How do you know that I can be that kind of dad?

#486
How do you know that I can be that kind of dad?

#487
How'd you know Kelso just wanted respect?

#488
- Because I know you. - Because I know you.

#489
- Because I know you. - Because I know you.

#490
'Cause I know him.

#491
This is so cool.

#492
What's happening? Dr Cox didn't make eye holes!

#493
What's happening? Dr Cox didn't make eye holes!

#494
It's important we listen to people who know us best,

#495
because if you do, you might get to rock.

#496
because if you do, you might get to rock.

#497
You might get the confidence to be the father you want to be.

#498
You might get the confidence to be the father you want to be.

#499
Gimme this little boy.

#500
I love ya. I love you so much, I'm going to make a sandwich out of you.

#501
I love ya. I love you so much, I'm going to make a sandwich out of you.

#502
- Where you going? - "Dad's gonna devour me. See you."

#503
- Where you going? - "Dad's gonna devour me. See you."

#504
Sometimes, it's fun to not listen and do what you want.

#505
Sometimes, it's fun to not listen and do what you want.

#506
So we bought it.

#507
So we bought it.

#508
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go kiss my lady on my new half-acre.

#509
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go kiss my lady on my new half-acre.

#510
She is not graceful.

#511
She is not graceful.

#512
('More Than a Feeling' plays)

#513
('More Than a Feeling' plays)

#514
Edited by Access Innovation Media www.ai-media.tv

#515
Edited by Access Innovation Media www.ai-media.tv

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