Home » Scrubs » S01E02 — My Mentor

Scrubs

Season 1, Episode 2 — My Mentor

#4
And yet, just after two weeks,

#6
Catheters, chest tubes, IVs,

#8
Are you? If you have time to listen to music,

#9
then I assume you have time to finish your paperwork.

#10
♪ Having a good time... ♪

#11
Keep moving.

#13
♪ No, I know ♪

#14
♪ I'm no Superman ♪

#15
♪ I'm no Superman ♪

#17
How's it goin'?

#18
I'm a 37-year-old janitor.

#19
How do you think it's going?

#20
There is nothing wrong with being a janitor.

#21
Really? Thank you, you've turned my life around.

#22
I'll go tell my janitor wife and all our janitor kids

#23
that life is worth living.

#24
And that comes straight from our hero,

#25
Dr. Whozits, Dr. Nothing.

#26
No, seriously, come on.

#27
Come over to my humble house

#28
and point out things that are cheap.

#30
That dog is creepy.

#31
Aww, be nice to Rowdy.

#32
The guy we bought him from kept him in a box full of old hats.

#33
Ew.

#34
Why is she here all the time?

#35
- Just give her a chance, man. - Oh! You want to hit that.

#36
- No! - Yeah!

#37
- No, she's just a friend, man. - Yeah.

#38
It's healthy, hanging out with a girl

#39
without the ultimate goal being sex.

#40
- You know? - I'm not following.

#41
[screams]

#42
Creepy. I had a run-in with that nurse, Carla.

#43
She forgot to check the stats on a patient and gave me attitude.

#44
Did you tell on her, or something?

#45
- Who's responsible for this? - She is.

#46
I don't remember.

#47
Why do you assume it was my fault?

#49
A lot.

#50
She can't really seem to stop.

#51
Just because I occasionally say something stupid doesn't mean

#52
I go door-to-door annoying people,

#53
like some crazed Jehovah's Witness.

#54
- Oh, you're not? - No.

#55
My mother is.

#56
He's black, too. You should tease him about that.

#58
Like Carla, for instance.

#59
Hey, Bambi, that blond stick you hang out with?

#60
Tell her...

#61
[speaks Spanish]

#62
You might have to write that down for me.

#64
I'm kind of like his protégé.

#65
- I need to see his chart... - Done, copied and highlighted.

#66
Unfortunately, Radar, I'm fresh out of gold stars.

#67
Multilobar pneumonia.

#68
How much does he smoke?

#69
I don't know.

#70
Your attention to detail impresses me.

#71
- How many packs a day, genius? - Half a pack.

#72
Oh, I'm sorry. I phrased the question wrong.

#73
How many packs a day, really?

#74
Eleven.

#75
You don't know where I'm coming from.

#76
Two or three packs.

#77
Let's hear it.

#78
Oh, I don't smoke so... Zero packs.

#79
[bones crack]

#80
What tests have you ordered?

#81
Oh, I was just... I was totally kidding with you.

#82
He was. We're all in on it.

#84
I ordered blood cultures and a high-resolution CT.

#85
What are you looking for?

#86
Cancer.

#87
When you say "cancer",

#89
Excellent.

#90
Not like that.

#91
There it is.

#93
But I'm getting better.

#94
So...

#95
- How's surgery? - It rocks.

#96
But my bedroom, that's where I really operate.

#97
Am I right?

#98
Come on, show Todd some love!

#99
I hate showing Todd love.

#100
[whiplash]

#101
Bambi, why are you slumming with these scalpel jocks?

#102
Please, baby. This here's the VIP table.

#103
Why don't you sit your fine self down?

#104
"Baby, this here's the VIP table..."

#105
I'm not really interested in her.

#106
Yeah? Then the Todd'll show that little biscuit some love.

#108
Fine. Todd'll show himself some love.

#109
I'm going to ask Carla out. What do you think?

#110
I think the janitor's out to get me.

#111
Thank you so much for your help.

#112
Why not be a little bit more paranoid?

#113
- Wait, Turk... - That's him.

#114
Hi, how are you?

#115
Um... I need David Farr's chart.

#116
We all need lots of things.

#117
Great. Uh, Dr. Kelso? You're the Chief of Medicine.

#118
Is there a special way to communicate with nursing staff?

#119
Well, sugar won't work. They're already so sweet.

#120
Now, listen, Dr. Whatever-the-hell-your-name-is,

#121
you tattled yesterday, I responded.

#122
I feel closer to you than ever.

#123
But the ramifications are yours.

#124
Don't drag me into your pathetic whiny little squabble

#125
with that god-awful bunch of malcontents.

#126
I hope you all kill each other.

#127
Have a great day, ladies.

#128
I hate this place.

#129
Dr. Cox, I got Will's CT results back.

#130
No cancer. So what shall I tell him?

#131
I'd open with that.

#132
He's headed down such a bad road,

#133
maybe you and I could talk to him...

#137
I, um... I'm just happy you haven't messed up yet today.

#139
Don't ever touch me.

#140
Means "Don't ever touch him."

#141
Just thought it was a nice moment.

#142
- No, I don't wanna... - Come on, come on, come on.

#143
Carla, I shouldn't have told Dr. Kelso on you.

#144
No, you shouldn't have.

#145
[silence]

#146
Ah, comfortable silences.

#147
But thank you for apologizing.

#148
Okay, good.

#149
- I wanna make one thing clear. - No, nothing needs to be clear.

#150
[♪ church organ]

#151
I still think you were in the wrong.

#152
Checking orthostatics is your job.

#153
I need to know you'll take care of it.

#154
That's all I'm saying.

#155
There. All better.

#156
So, yes. As of now, you have no signs of cancer.

#157
Woo! Who rules? Will rules.

#158
It's important you realize this isn't great news.

#159
Are you sure? That's how it first hit me.

#160
You're on a slippery slope, man...

#163
So, right now, the one thing I want you to think about...

#165
Let me see.

#166
This is so cool.

#167
No, it's not.

#168
Biddy, biddy, biddy. Okay, doc.

#169
It's not a toy.

#170
Would you like to play a game?

#173
Look, man. You're a great patient.

#174
I like you enough to hope I never see you again.

#175
But if you keep smoking, you'll be back here.

#176
I bet my own life on that.

#177
[PA] Dr. Reid to Room 402,

#179
I'm nervous, man. Why am I nervous?

#180
Todd's your wing man, buddy. I will not leave your side.

#181
- Hey, baby. - Keep moving, frat boy.

#182
You got it.

#183
Come on. Out with it.

#184
Don't rush me.

#185
I mean...

#186
You shouldn't be impatient with the opportunity of a lifetime.

#187
Oh, I'm gonna sit down because you're so sexy?

#188
My knees are weak.

#189
Really?

#190
Oh, Dr. Cox? I know I'm being annoying,

#191
but I'm really getting used to talking to patients.

#192
I mean, this is why I became a doctor, right? Right?

#193
I heard, "I know I'm being annoying" and then white noise.

#194
Will, the pneumonia patient. I got him to quit smoking.

#195
Forever? No last one?

#196
'Cause the last ones are better than sex.

#197
Trust me, I've had about 1,000 of them.

#198
Done forever, he swore to me. I reached him.

#199
I reached him.

#200
Hm.

#201
You're having a big day, there, Susan.

#202
[wind whistles]

#203
Private party.

#205
- Dr. Cox, about Will... - Not now!

#206
I've a 10-minute break and my soap is on.

#207
Hey, Skeech... If you go ahead and change the channels,

#208
I swear I'll suture your hands together.

#209
Right. So with Will...

#210
This woman is just fantastic.

#211
I mean, the breasts are probably fake

#212
but by God, those tears are real.

#213
Time for a bold move.

#214
[wild animal snorts]

#215
I need to know how we're gonna fix this Will thing.

#216
Do you know what you've just done?

#217
You just lost all lapdog privileges.

#218
Excuse me?

#219
No more walkies, no more treats,

#220
no more following me around.

#221
- I'm not your lapdog. - Hey, you back there.

#222
What do we do with lapdogs who can't behave in the house?

#223
- Make them stay outside? - That's right.

#224
You have five seconds to get out of this room,

#225
or I'm gonna start whacking you on the nose with this.

#226
Don't laugh, this isn't a joke. Get out.

#227
But I was thinking...

#228
[Dr. Cox] Go!

#229
What do you want to watch, Captain Courage?

#230
- Days of our Lives? - Attaboy.

#231
[TV: laughter]

#232
[knock on door]

#233
Come in.

#234
[Turk laughs]

#235
He smells the food.

#236
- Move your butt. - Okay.

#237
[Elliot] Um... Peace offering?

#238
Look, I know I don't always make the best first impression.

#239
Or second, for that matter.

#240
I'd like us to be friends.

#241
I thought I could get to know you a bit better.

#242
See what you're about...

#243
Uh...

#244
For instance, when did you meet Morgan Freeman?

#245
That's my mom.

#246
I like her freckles.

#247
Jeez!

#248
Rowdy, no!

#249
I still can't figure out why Dr. Cox tore me a new one today.

#250
Oh, man, enough already! He's a jerk.

#251
- He's a jerk. - He's a jerk.

#252
- He's a jerk. - You're a jerk.

#253
He's just Dr. Cox. He's always like that.

#254
Who really knows him? Who does he hang out with here?

#255
- No one. - That must be lonely.

#256
"Take two Turks as needed, apply to sensitive areas..."

#257
Who wrote this?

#258
Wassup?

#259
Aw, come on, Carla.

#260
Give me one good reason why you won't go out with me.

#261
Well, you're a surgeon, so you got the God complex,

#262
the cockiness, the "married to the job" thing.

#263
You're cute, but you're very, very aware of it.

#264
You've no idea what I'm like, so your feelings for me

#265
are coming from down there.

#266
But most of all, I'm looking for the real thing.

#267
You're nothing but a little boy

#268
who's not used to being told "No."

#269
So there's a bunch of reasons. Pick your favorite.

#270
I'd go with the God complex.

#271
But it's hard to choose. They're all so good.

#274
It's a lot like high school.

#275
[♪ high school band plays off-key]

#276
[laughter]

#280
I know that watching Will slowly kill himself hurts you, too.

#281
It's harder if you don't have anyone to talk with.

#282
So I figured I'd pick up a few cold ones, right?

#283
And maybe you and I, we'll talk it out,

#284
we'll just break the whole thing down.

#285
Right? What do you say to that?

#286
Aagh!

#287
I'm sick of this. Everyone keeps ignoring me.

#288
I'm like a plague around here.

#289
Don't look back at me when you're talking.

#290
Dr. Reid. I just wanted to say, you're out of my doghouse.

#291
That was a great catch on that patient with meningococcus.

#292
That actually wasn't me. Carla noticed the rash on his legs.

#293
That's fascinating.

#294
You could have been back into my good graces

#295
and instead you passed the credit on to a nurse.

#296
How noble. I tell you what,

#297
I'll get the cafeteria staff to write

#298
"Was it worth it?" on a big cake for you.

#299
"...station." This is the nurses' station.

#300
[TV] ...middle quarter...

#301
Do you think I've damaged the ligaments?

#302
I don't care.

#303
Now, can I count on you to never drop by here again?

#304
Or shall I just go ahead and move?

#305
Oh, you can't leave a place with this much warmth.

#306
I especially love this shelf

#307
filled with photos of your friends and family.

#309
Well, actually, you have a point.

#310
I guess watching the game by yourself with a Scotch

#311
isn't really the only way to watch a game, huh?

#312
I don't know, it's just that...

#313
I've always thought of needing people as a sign of weakness.

#314
- It's not. - Well, then...

#315
Would you stay and... watch the game with me?

#316
Maybe have a slice of pizza?

#317
- Of course I will. - I can braid your hair.

#318
I know the couch isn't very deep,

#319
but we could move the back cushion

#320
and spoon.

#321
[door opens]

#322
Hey, you guys, what do you say?

#323
Beer and chips in the back.

#324
Just ignore them.

#325
Would you tell me the answer to this question?

#326
Do you want to be the big spoon or the little spoon?

#327
Kelso didn't even ask her, she gave you full credit.

#328
I don't care. Too little too late.

#329
Plus, I know why you're really here.

#330
So I'm gonna plop myself right here in the VIP section,

#331
so you can give me what you got.

#332
I was gonna tell you

#333
how I busted J.D.'s chops the other day

#334
for wanting to be friends with a girl.

#335
And now I find it so amazing to see how strong you are,

#336
how well you carry yourself,

#337
how I'd give anything to wake up

#338
and watch you read the paper.

#339
But instead I think you should hop off your broom for a second,

#340
try and remember what it was like when you first started here

#341
and give Elliot a break.

#342
Because she may be a chore

#343
but she is a good person.

#344
And your ass is especially fine today.

#345
Pick me up tomorrow at seven.

#346
She's not the only one who can do a speech.

#347
I can do a speech.

#348
You are to return that umbrella to me at the hospital.

#349
Not here. Is that clear?

#350
Yeah.

#351
And, newbie...

#352
- Know what your problem is? - My bones hurt?

#353
You were gonna rescue me from loneliness

#354
with a $3 six-pack of light beer?

#355
It turns out we can't save people from themselves.

#356
We just treat 'em.

#357
Treat that kid with a respiratory problem

#358
and when he comes back with cancer,

#359
go ahead and treat that too.

#360
- Thanks for the pick-me-up. - Hey.

#361
Smokers, drinkers, druggies, fatties, whatever.

#362
All I'm saying is, if you keep living and dying

#363
on whether or not a person changes, well...

#364
...you're not gonna make it as a doctor, that's all.

#365
Now come here and give me a hug.

#366
It's okay, come here.

#367
Come here.

#368
Get outta here!

#369
Take this piss water with you. It's embarrassing.

#370
[man] I'll drink it!

#371
I'll take the beer. You'll beat it.

#372
- You apologize. - No, I don't wanna.

#373
Okay, come on.

#374
Just do it really fast. Like a Band-Aid.

#375
Here, I wrote out the pharmacy renewals on all your patients.

#376
Wow, great. You know what else would be really helpful?

#378
- Thank you, Carla. - You're welcome.

#380
- So when's the baby due? - What baby?

#382
what they're gonna be.

#383
This is a strange resort. The wheelchair service is great

#384
but that suite I rented, there was another person in it.

#385
And for some reason, the bellhop gave me an enema.

#386
Yeah, he's new here.

#387
So...

#388
- Anything you wanna say? - You know it all, man.

#389
Still, I hated Will a little

#392
Heart disease.

#393
Liver disease.

#394
Somebody choking her.

#395
I don't know.

#396
Probably stress.

#397
- Say anything else to him? - No.

#398
But you wanted to.

#399
- You told me not to. - Jeez, would you be a man?

#400
Stick to your convictions

#401
or you'll never make it as a doctor.

#402
[screams]

#403
I can't believe your head exploded.

#404
If your head explodes, you'll never make it as a doctor.

#405
I mean, come on. You look ridiculous.

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