Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S04E05 — Mac & Charlie Die (1)

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 4, Episode 5 — Mac & Charlie Die (1)

#1
WARDEN: Okay, so just to clarify for the parole board once again,

#2
you are claiming that your father threatened to, quote,

#3
"Eat the living shit out of you."

#4
(microphone feedback whines) Uh, that is correct.

#5
Mr. Kelly, in your sworn statement to police, you've claimed

#6
that the prisoner told you that if you didn't, and I quote,

#7
"Jam a bunch of stuff into your butt,

#8
he was going to rape you so hard the room would stink."

#9
And he was going to, quote,

#10
"Eat your butt and his son's butt in the stink

#11
"until his stomach was full of...

#12
Your butts."

#13
Is this correct?

#14
(microphone feedback whines) That is also correct. Oh, man...

#15
Warden, they're lying. I do not wanna hurt them.

#16
In fact, I wanna get as far away from those two

#17
as I possibly can.

#18
BOTH: Objection! That's an objection, Your Honor! He's lying.

#19
- Hey! Hey, hey, hey! - Move to strike!

#20
Quiet! Sit down! Sit down! Get your hands off the microphone!

#21
Just leave it in the middle of the two of you. Leave it alone!

#22
Take your hands off the mike! Leave it alone. Leave it there.

#23
LUTHER (clears throat): Yes.

#24
A few weeks ago, they came to apologize for getting me arrested.

#25
I did not accept their apology.

#26
That never happened! Shut up!

#27
- Charlie, shut up! - Quiet! Quiet at the hearing!

#29
Not gonna accept our apology? Okay, fine. Plan B, bitch.

#31
I'm gonna tell those parole board dickheads

#32
that you said you were gonna rape my butt until the room stinks.

#33
And then you're gonna eat my butt until your stomach's full of butt,

#34
full of my butt and full of Mac's butt.

#35
- You're not gonna say it... - I'm gonna say something like that.

#37
MAC: Charlie, I'm telling you, running away is not the answer.

#38
Mac, we're gonna need supplies on the road. So just calm down.

#39
Help me throw some stuff into the stick and bindle.

#40
Dude, no matter where we go, my dad will find us.

#41
While I admit it would be awesome to be hoboes drifting from town to town

#42
solving mysteries, I think we need to find a real solution.

#43
Oh, my God! How do hoboes fit all their stuff into a bandana?

#44
It doesn't make sense, man! We're gonna need like a towel

#45
or a tablecloth or something! But, ah! It's not gonna look cool!

#46
- We're gonna look like assholes. - Wait a second. That's it.

#47
I got it. Forget the bindle.

#48
The only way that my dad is not going to kill us

#49
s if he thinks we're already dead. - Great. I was hoping you say that.

#50
- Let's kill ourselves. - No.

#51
- No. You didn't let me finish. - It's no problem, I'm on board.

#52
I grab a knife, I'm gonna jab it into your neck,

#53
I'll yank it out, and then your blood's...

#54
- No, buddy, listen... - You'll die in five or 10 minutes.

#55
Depending on how horrific it looks, I'll probably do it myself too.

#56
Okay, listen. I was gonna say we fake our own death.

#57
He thinks we're dead and he leaves us alone.

#58
Yeah, right. Either way works. Let's pick one before he gets here!

#59
Let's pick the second one where we don't actually die.

#60
Calm down! We'll pick the second one.

#61
Now, let's think. We gotta do it in some way that's convincing.

#62
If we were gonna kill ourselves it'd be awesome, right?

#63
Yeah. If we were gonna kill ourselves, it would be with class.

#64
- I mean, because... - Of course it would be with class.

#65
What do you think, I'm not gonna die with class?

#66
- Maybe some type of explosion? - Of course it's gonna be explosion!

#67
- You think I'm not gonna explode? - I'm thinking, Charlie.

#68
It would be some kind of a blaze of glory...

#69
Of course it's gonna be a blaze of glory. I'm going down right now.

#70
- Hold on a second. - What's up?

#71
Okay, all right. So...

#72
- Did I miss something? - You're not getting this.

#73
I'll walk you through the steps as we go.

#74
First step, do not douse yourself with lighter fluid.

#75
DEE: Whoa. What is that? FRANK: I don't know.

#76
You think it's for watching somebody poop?

#77
You think there's some perv coming in here to watch me make?

#78
What are you guys doing in here? I got to go to the bathroom.

#79
There's a hole in the wall. We're trying to figure out what it is.

#80
Well, well, well, Deandra.

#81
Would you look at that.

#82
(chuckles) Frank, Dee, what you two have discovered today

#83
s what is most commonly referred to as a glory hole.

#84
A glory hole?

#85
A secret portal created as a passageway

#86
for one to safely insert one's penis.

#87
I'm sorry. A hole to stick your dick in?

#88
Yes, Dee. The partition acts as a physical barrier,

#89
thus ensuring anonymity throughout the spontaneous act of copulation

#90
or fellatio or, at the very least, a hand job.

#91
What? Why? Why would you wanna have sex with someone you can't see?

#92
Dee, I think the real question is,

#93
why wouldn't you wanna have sex with someone you can't see?

#94
It's very European. You see, Europe leads the way in sexual exploration.

#95
And, quite frankly, I think it's time we caught up.

#96
This sounds hot. I'm gonna go get some duct tape.

#97
Whoa! Hold on a second, Frank.

#98
Before you go sticking anything through that hole,

#99
you might wanna consider that on the other side of this wall,

#100
more often than not, there's a dude.

#101
But you can't see through the wall.

#102
So how do you know it's not a girl?

#103
I mean, I can just picture a girl, and then... It's good. (chuckles)

#104
Right. Well, some might find that method effective,

#105
but it's a dangerous game you're playing, Frank.

#106
Supposing the other guy is picturing a girl also?

#107
How is he gonna do that with a dick in his mouth?

#108
I don't know. That's his problem.

#109
We're filling it in.

#110
- Okay, buddy, you ready? - Are you sure we have to do this?

#111
Charlie, yes, we have to do this.

#112
If the cops are gonna identify the bodies,

#113
we need to leave dental records behind, right?

#114
So we leave a couple of teeth. Bing-bang-boom!

#115
- I feel like it's gonna hurt. - It's gonna hurt like a bitch.

#116
- Okay, ready? - Uh-huh.

#117
- One, two... - Uh-oh. Wait.

#118
- That just came out on its own. - Yeah, that slipped right out.

#119
I barely pulled that. I barely pulled that.

#120
(gasps) What?

#121
- Damn, dude. - That's another.

#122
You should really brush your teeth more, 'cause that is not normal.

#123
(yelps) Oh! Charlie, stop pulling your teeth out.

#124
- They're just coming right out. - You're freaking me out.

#125
- They, like, slip right out. - It's really freaking me out.

#126
(knock on door) Oh, shit.

#127
- Oh, shit. - You think it's my dad?

#128
- Of course it's your dad, dude. - Shh.

#129
DEE: Charlie, open up. We got a dick hole in the bar.

#130
I need you to come fill it in. (sighs)

#131
- I got to go fill her dick hole. - Okay. No, no, bro.

#132
Come on, we don't have time. Okay. Audible.

#133
Grab the camera. Is Dee's car outside?

#134
- Uh, yes. - Okay, great.

#135
We'll steal it. We'll use it as a part of blaze of glory.

#136
(yelps) Now you got to stop. Give it to me. Give me the teeth.

#137
Okay, I got them in my pocket. Okay. Shh.

#138
- Hey! What the... (thud) - Okay, go, go, go, go. (Dee yells)

#139
(screams)

#140
- Why would you do that? - Don't know. It's happening fast.

#141
- You could've just opened it. - That's true.

#142
I'll fire you through that window. All right, grab the... No!

#143
- Just go. - Let's go. Grab the camera.

#144
Okay. So... The videotape is done.

#145
My teeth are scattered throughout the car.

#146
- And the will is in place. - Okay. Great.

#147
Toss it out the window. They'll think we did it at the last minute.

#148
Okay. Got it. What's next?

#149
I'm gonna gun this car as fast as it goes directly into that wall.

#150
Judging by the distance, I'm thinking I can get her up to about

#151
60, 70 miles an hour. - Oh, definitely. Definitely.

#152
At the last second, I'm thinking maybe three feet from the wall,

#153
we jump out to safety, the car explodes in a hot ball of fury.

#154
- And we're dead to the world. - Okey-dokey. Good luck with that.

#155
Wait. Where you going, dude?

#156
Well, I'm gonna... I'm gonna watch you do it.

#157
- No. We need to do it together. - I'm not really doing anything.

#158
Yes, you are, Charlie. You're here for moral support.

#159
If no one's actually seeing us jump out of the car...

#160
We're gonna kill ourselves together. You get out. I'll do it myself.

#161
The whole thing's gonna be better without me anyway, Mac.

#162
It's gonna be great without me. All right, buddy, good luck.

#163
Pussy.

#164
(engine revving)

#165
(screaming) Mac!

#166
Holy shit! Are you all right? Why didn't you jump out?

#167
- Holy shit! - I'm okay, Charlie.

#168
- Dude! Oh, my God! - I was going too fast.

#169
Oh, my God. Let's get out of here.

#170
We're gonna have to burn the car. We'll have to get some gasoline.

#171
Holy shit! (laughing) Whoo!

#172
Pawn shop, dude?

#173
We're not gonna find something to burn the car at a pawn shop.

#174
Are you kidding me? You can find amazing things in pawn shops.

#175
What about a gas station?

#176
- You can buy some gasoline. - We said this the whole walk over.

#177
You can't go to a gas station. There's too many cameras.

#178
Bro, I say something, and then you forget it two seconds later, okay.

#179
You sure you're all right? Your ear's bleeding a ton.

#180
- I feel like one million dollars. - All right, you don't seem like...

#181
Focus, Mr. Million dollars and let's find something to blow up a car.

#182
Oh! Charlie, look at that wedding dress, dude. That's sad.

#183
Okay, that is not gonna blow a car up, okay? So can you focus?

#184
Will you please find a way to focus? Oh, shit, look at this, dude.

#185
- Now we're talking. - Damn, they sell guns here?

#186
They sell everything here. That's what I'm trying to tell you.

#187
Pawn shops are like international waters.

#188
People come in and they just trade stuff.

#189
Anything goes here. We can get whatever we want.

#190
- Let's pick this bad boy up. - Shit, that's awesome. Good.

#191
You're sure we'll have enough money for this and the wedding dress?

#192
'Cause that is a great gun.

#193
We're not buying the wedding dress.

#194
- We're buying the wedding dress. - Are you crazy?

#195
- We can't just leave it here. - We absolutely can leave it here.

#196
It's not gonna help us in any way, shape or form.

#197
- That's crazy. - You know what?

#198
That car wreck, it scrambled your circuits. You're losing your mind.

#199
Will you just let me handle it? I got Dee's purse.

#200
We got her credit cards in here. We have plenty of money.

#201
I know what I'm doing. And stop talking about the wedding dress.

#202
Sir? Excuse me, sir.

#203
Hi. Um, we are in desperate need of something that will destroy a car

#204
and, uh, annihilate any traces of a human being.

#205
Let me see what I got.

#206
- All right, you see that? - Yeah.

#207
Your ol' buddy here knows what he's doing every now and then.

#208
- Okay? - Yeah.

#209
Okay.

#210
This is an interesting turn. I'm assuming this is a live grenade.

#211
- Oh, yeah. - Well, then we'll take it.

#212
- Was the wedding in Philadelphia? - I don't care about the wedding.

#213
Sir, do you have anything that might get my buddy's head straight?

#214
He's losing his mind.

#215
- Got some poppers in the back. - All right. There we go.

#216
(exhales sharply)

#217
All right, Luther, today's the day.

#218
You got any plans for the outside?

#219
(grunts)

#220
(breathing heavily) Yeah. I got some plans.

#221
(cell door opening) I got some big plans.

#222
Okay, I'm gonna throw this grenade into the car.

#223
The car will explode, and our problems will be solved.

#224
In the meantime, I need you to do a popper.

#225
Okay, I understand the plan. Except for when we find the bride.

#226
- Don't even start, man. - It's an important part of my plan.

#227
Take a deep breath of this. Inhale. (inhales)

#228
- Oh! - There we go.

#229
- Yeah! - Grenade!

#230
- Throw it in the car. - Yeah. Let's do it. I'm back.

#231
Let's not talk about the dress anymore. Here we go.

#232
- No dress. Grenade. - Go! Move! Go, go, go, go!

#233
Okay. (laughing) This is gonna be awesome.

#234
It's gonna be huge. (laughing)

#235
(horn honks)

#236
- That's it? - Weird.

#237
- That was totally lame. - That's what grenades do?

#238
- It was a very old grenade. - What a gyp.

#239
I thought it was gonna be so much more awesome than that.

#240
- The car's not even on fire. - All right, plan B.

#241
Gun. Gas tank. I'm gonna fire directly into it.

#242
- The car's gonna go up. - Now you're thinking.

#243
- Go, baby. - Ready?

#244
Whoa, whoa. Dude. You're gonna waste all the bullets.

#245
- You got to get a lot closer. - Closer?

#246
No. You got to stay far away 'cause it's gonna blow up.

#247
- Chickenshit. I'll walk right up... - You can't walk right up to it.

#248
- It'll blow you to safety. - How about this?

#249
Popper. Put it to my nose. We'll walk up.

#250
- And I'll just be firing as I go. - That will help your focus.

#251
That's the smart thing to do. Hold on. I'm stepping on this dress.

#252
- One, two... (inhales) - Go.

#253
- Ah! God damn it, dude! - No more bullets.

#254
Grenades and bullets don't burn cars?

#255
New plan. The teeth, the envelope, the crash. I think it's enough.

#256
- You think that's enough? - Maybe the cops will think we...

#257
- I don't know. Disintegrated? - All right, fine.

#258
We'll get Dee's credit card, buy some camping equipment.

#259
- We'll go up to the roof. - There's my boy.

#260
- He's making plans again. - He's back.

#261
He's also wearing a wedding dress. And I'd like him to take it off.

#262
- Oh, yeah. - That's completely crazy, man.

#263
This is it.

#264
Uh, I'm having second thoughts about this sex party thing, Frank.

#265
Dennis, you're having second thoughts about the glory hole?

#266
And now you're gonna be skittish about the sex party? Don't...

#267
You said you wanted to have anonymous sex. This is the place.

#268
I do wanna have anonymous sex. I wanna have anonymous sex.

#269
I wanna have a sex party. I want the glory hole. I want all those things.

#270
What I'm having a hard time believing though, Frank,

#271
s that there is an elite secret sex society

#272
behind that door in this building.

#273
I used to run with this crew. These people are the most powerful,

#274
nfluential, sexiest people in Philadelphia.

#275
Why are they having a goddamn orgy in such a dump then?

#276
I thought this kind of thing went down in somebody's elegant mansion.

#277
- I was looking forward to that. - No.

#278
Nobody's gonna have an orgy in their mansion,

#279
all over their nice furniture. That doesn't make sense.

#280
No, it doesn't. That's a really good point. Let's do it.

#281
Put your mask on, and don't embarrass me.

#282
Don't embarrass yourself.

#283
(knocking on door)

#284
(people talking indistinctly)

#285
What is the password?

#286
Orgy.

#287
You may enter.

#288
"Orgy"? Seriously?

#289
What the hell is this place? What did you bring me to?

#290
- This is a buffet. - I can see that it's a buffet.

#291
But why is there a buffet at a goddamn orgy, Frank?

#292
You don't wanna bang on an empty stomach, do you?

#293
I don't wanna bang any of these people anyway.

#294
They're all paunchy and weird and old.

#295
- You can't tell under the masks. - I can absolutely tell.

#296
Why are our costumes so much more elaborate than everybody else's?

#297
It's like they didn't put any effort into it. Jesus Christ.

#298
That guy's not even wearing a mask.

#299
He's got the right idea. This beak is interfering with my nosh.

#300
Don't take it off. Aw, Jesus. What are we doing here, man?

#301
How is this even an orgy? Nobody's having sex.

#302
What did you bring me to? It's like a half-nude buffet party.

#303
It's not exactly what I thought it was gonna be either.

#304
But it's okay. There's a lot of food.

#305
Frank, I think we can both agree.

#306
This is not the kind of anonymous sex we're looking for, right?

#307
You wanna go down by the bridge?

#308
What in God's name could possibly be down by the bridge?

#309
- I don't know. It could be cool. - It could be cool?

#310
No, Frank. I don't wanna go down by the bridge.

#311
I'm going back to the bar. I'm gonna go back to the glory hole.

#312
That's something I feel like I can wrap my head around.

#313
- This is ridiculous. - You think these are fresh shrimp?

#314
- Or is it frozen shrimp? - I don't care!

#315
What is this place? These are not... It's like a bad acid trip in here.

#316
I'm coming. I'm gonna come.

#317
FRANK: Now, what if I just slip my foot over like this?

#318
As if to say, "Hello. I'd like to have some anonymous sex, please."

#319
DENNIS: All right, I'm into that. - Then I wait for the signal back.

#320
If it's a lady's foot, I'm in the clear.

#321
Frank, here's my problem with that. A man can wear a woman's shoe.

#322
You can't rule out trickery. That's why we need the viewing slot.

#323
This slot defeats the purpose. I could see your eyes.

#324
- We might as well get married. - It's the safest way, Frank.

#325
Dennis, if I was looking for safe,

#326
I wouldn't be sticking my dick through a wall.

#327
You guys, get out here right now. You need to take a look at this.

#328
Good news, Dee. We made the bathroom unisex.

#329
- Glory hole's up and running, baby. - I don't care about that.

#330
According to the Philadelphia Police Department,

#331
Mac and Charlie are dead.

#332
- And you got the camera on? - Is it ready?

#333
- Yeah. Good. - Are we on? Okay.

#334
Dennis and Frank, if you're watching this, then we're already dead.

#335
Our lives were horrible.

#336
Horrible and sad. So we decided to end it all.

#337
Not me actually. My life was pretty sweet.

#338
But Charlie and I had a suicide pact, and I have to honor that

#339
because I am an honorable man. I will die an honorable man.

#340
There's also a will enclosed, and you totally have to do all of that.

#341
- Because that's a law. - Wait a second. My life was also...

#342
Here we go. (Blaze of Glory playing)

#343
I can't believe they're dead.

#344
I can't believe they didn't include me in their suicide pact.

#345
What? Are you crazy? They're not dead.

#346
- They're doing something stupid. - You saw the tape, Dee.

#347
My best friends went out in a blaze of glory

#348
and they didn't ask me to be part of it. This is terrible!

#349
Are you buying this? That is ridiculous.

#350
Dennis, they left us a list of demands.

#351
What are you talking about? It's their last will and testament.

#352
- That is not demands. - It says, "List of Demands."

#353
Whatever. It's their wishes, and we have to honor them.

#354
Oh, we do? We have to honor them? Okay. Let's see, Frank.

#355
Charlie's number one, "My ashes are to be made into a tea

#356
and to be dranken by every-wan in bar."

#357
- Done. - Damn it. Gross. Fine. What else?

#358
Mac's number one, "In lieu of a body,

#359
"which was most likely blown up in the most awesome way imaginable,

#360
"I would like the duster to be burned and its ashes buried

#361
n an unmarked grave somewhere by the river."

#362
Well, that's crazy. I'm not gonna burn or bury the duster. No.

#363
Yeah. We also both have to name our firstborn child Murphy

#364
because that was RoboCop's name.

#365
God damn it. Mac is dead, and he's still bossing me around.

#366
- Mac is not dead, Dennis. - How can you be so cold?

#367
- He blew up my car! - Not burning the duster.

#368
- You're still talking about a coat? - Absolutely!

#369
- That is an automobile. DEE: It's a piece of clothing!

#370
FRANK: They're people! DEE: They're alive!

#371
(arguing) Jesus, man, they must be really broken up.

#372
- If we can hear them from up here. - Like cryin' and whinin' and...

#373
I'm excited about the hot dogs. Oh, crap!

#374
- What? - We should've got beans, dude.

#375
- Hoboes are always eating beans. - We'll be fine without the beans.

#376
'Cause this is a perfect, perfect hiding spot.

#377
- This would be better with beans. - Leave it alone with the beans.

#378
(glass shatters) (grunts) Yeah. No. Stop it.

#379
Don't do it. Oh, my God. How?

#380
- How is that possible? - I don't know.

#381
- Just put it down. - You think they're my baby teeth?

#382
Put it with the other ones. (arguing continues) (teeth clinking)

#383
- You're won't be able to eat this. - I'll suck it down.

#384
LUTHER: I asked you to leave me be.

#385
I asked you to let me live my life.

#386
But you wouldn't go away.

#387
You kept pushing and pushing

#388
until you forced me to do something drastic,

#389
something I was hoping I would never have to do.

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