Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S17E08 — The Golden Bachelor Live

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 17, Episode 8 — The Golden Bachelor Live

#1
My name is Frank.

#2
I've had a great life, a family, lots of friends, adventures,

#3
but I'm ready for a change.

#4
One last shot at finding true love.

#5
I'm hoping this is it.

#6
Thank you. Hi.

#7
Thank you so much. Thank you.

#8
Thank you and good evening, Bachelor nation.

#9
I'm Jesse Palmer, and welcome

#10
to The Golden Bachelor season finale.

#11
Of course, we are coming to you live from Los Angeles

#12
as Frank's journey to find the love of his life

#13
comes to a dramatic conclusion.

#14
Now admittedly, the crew nor the producers were prepared

#15
to host a Bachelor as eccentric

#16
as Frank Reynolds.

#17
In fact, this is the first season in Bachelor history

#18
where we considered ending the entire franchise altogether.

#19
But, boy, are we glad we didn't,

#20
because Frank captured our hearts,

#21
and tonight is the moment we've all been waiting for.

#22
Will Frank find true love again?

#23
All I can say is that you'll have to see it to believe it.

#24
So let's take a look back at the season's highlights

#25
where Frank started in a very different place

#26
than where we find him today.

#27
Let's get this show on the road.

#28
Can't wait to find a Grade A, prime cut piece of ****.

#29
To love.

#30
Frank, admittedly, was a little rougher around the edges than we're accustomed to.

#31
All right, so where are all the broads?

#32
I dropped a couple of blueys.

#33
This baby's got about a half hour

#34
to perform like, pew,

#35
and then that's it. So, let's hurry up.

#36
Okay, the first car is arriving now.

#37
Okay, all right, good. The first car.

#38
Oh, my God, I'm getting a chubby.

#39
Look at this. Mmm, mmm, mmm.

#40
Ooh. Here it comes. I'm anticipating this...

#41
Oh, let's see, yeah.

#42
- Uh, nope. - Excuse me?

#44
Pass, pass, pass, it's a pass.

#45
You can walk by. You can keep on going.

#46
Just walk on by. That's it.

#47
Next, next, next. Bring the next one in.

#48
- Uh-uh. - Frank.

#49
No, no. Absolutely not.

#50
No, no. Pass on. Next. Let's go to the next one.

#51
Next one, this is not working out. What's going on?

#52
Frank, there's a time for this. It's just not right now.

#53
All right, bring the next one on, bring the next one on.

#54
I'm starting to get nervous.

#55
What do we got?

#56
Holy... Oh...

#57
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

#58
No, pass, pass, pass.

#59
Are all these whores gonna be this old?

#60
Why did I do this? I don't know what's the matter with me.

#61
What the **** did I do?

#62
Everyone that got out of the car, I mean, they were, like, crackling.

#63
I mean, you could hear their **** crackling.

#64
- It was like, just, old meat. - Frank,

#65
honestly, you didn't understand the premise of this show?

#66
Well, I knew there would be a couple of duds,

#67
but I thought you Hollywood people were all about diversity.

#68
Well, there's gonna be women of every ethnicity here.

#69
Age. Diversity of age.

#70
Frank, the show's called The Golden Bachelor.

#71
Golden Bachelor, my ****.

#72
I'm **** out of here unless I find something

#73
coming out of that car that I like.

#74
You gotta do something.

#75
- You ever watch TikTok? - Yeah, of course.

#76
Well, you ever... you ever hear of Cock Chewa?

#77
- Cock Chewa? - Cock Chewa...

#78
And so in a series of Golden Bachelor firsts,

#79
we caved into Frank's demands.

#80
I saw this trash on TikTok.

#81
Her name was Cock Chewa.

#82
Her catchphrase was, "Chew on that thang."

#83
I had to have her.

#84
My heart's beating a mile a minute.

#85
Let's see what happens.

#86
Oh, oh, oh.

#87
What's coming out?

#88
Oh! It's her. That's her. That's her!

#89
Hey, y'all!

#90
- Chew on that thang. - Chew on that thang!

#94
- I choose her. Yes. - I get paid for this, right?

#95
Yeah, the game's over. We can take her.

#96
No, no, no, Frank. It's only the first episode, okay?

#97
We have to go through this whole process,

#98
otherwise there can't be a show.

#100
It's the first night,

#101
so you're gonna have to wait a little while

#102
- to chew on that thang. - Chew on that thang.

#104
Oh, baby, am I boned up. Okay, here let's go.

#105
Okay. Okay.

#106
All right.

#107
Oops, I thought you said we were done with the old ones.

#108
Uh, hi. Very nice to see you, you know. But no.

#109
- But no. Okay, so anyway, pass. - Oh.

#110
But, you know, go on inside and keep warm.

#111
I'll get you out of here ASAP.

#112
You're kidding me. This cretin is the bachelor?

#113
I got better looking boils.

#114
That was a good one. You got me there. You got me there.

#115
Well, maybe I'll keep this one around just to entertain me.

#116
She got me with that... That was very...

#117
She's good. Let's lump her in with the other one.

#118
We'll see how it goes. That was funny. She was pretty funny.

#119
Oh. Oh. What's this? I thought I said no dudes.

#120
Oh, I have an Amazon Prime delivery for a, uh, Frank Reynolds.

#121
- Oh, Frank Reynolds, that's me. - Okay.

#122
Yeah, that's me. Oh, yeah, this... Thank you.

#123
Oh, my, my, that was so fast.

#124
Amazon Prime deliveries are so fast.

#125
Frank, what are you doing? You can't bring your own plugs.

#126
Yeah... I... No, we... No plugs. Their items are very meaningful to me.

#127
I am fired up about Chewy. That's a broad I could spend my life with.

#128
And the other one's good too. They both got mouths on 'em.

#129
One's an on-ramp, one's an off-ramp.

#130
I'm leaning toward the 20-year-old.

#131
Since Frank had already chosen his final two,

#132
we had to get creative with the situations we put them in.

#133
So, uh, where you from?

#134
Gang, gang.

#135
Chew, chew.

#136
Gang, gang. Gang. Gang, gang.

#137
That's a butthole.

#138
Thank you, y'all. Thank you.

#139
What's that? What are you doing?

#140
I'm making money on a live stream.

#141
- Huh? - Gang, gang.

#142
You're making...

#143
So, uh, yeah, yeah, hmm.

#144
- Well, what kind of music do you like? - Thank you.

#145
The conversation was a little rough.

#146
I didn't know what the hell she was doing with the phone.

#147
I guess people pay her to respond to emojis?

#148
I was losing my patience.

#149
Gang, gang. Chew, chew. Chew.

#150
Look, if we don't bang soon, I'm gonna boot you off the show.

#151
- Well, that worked like a charm. - All right.

#152
We banged three times that night.

#153
And on some kind of OnlyFans live stream thing.

#154
Made 12 grand. It was incredible.

#155
Except for the chewing.

#156
That was weird as hell.

#157
I-I thought it was more of a catch phrase than an actual method.

#158
Where the **** is he?

#159
- Wow. I'm sorry I'm late. - Oh, hey.

#160
I had to dump out big time.

#161
Oh, well, that makes two of us.

#162
Just got here myself.

#163
Took the liberty of ordering us the seafood linguine.

#165
- Yeah? - Yeah, yeah.

#166
So... Hmm. Mm-mmm.

#167
What now?

#168
Ah. Well...

#169
we could get the linguine to go, go back to your place.

#170
I would say we bang at my place,

#171
but I don't want you hanging around after.

#172
- You get it. - What makes you think I'm gonna bang you?

#173
All right, we bang after dinner.

#174
- Eh, make love. - Hmm.

#175
Yeah. So what's your deal? Were you ever married?

#176
If you must know.

#177
My husband's dead.

#178
You knock him off?

#179
They say he got chomped in two by a great white

#180
while he was snorkeling off the coast of Maine.

#181
Ooh, wicked.

#182
Personally, I think he was smuggling drugs down from Canada,

#183
got chainsawed by some cartel.

#184
They only found the bottom half.

#185
Nasty.

#186
Mmm. Nasty business.

#187
Did you keep the dong?

#188
Of course I did.

#189
I had it pickled and put in a jar.

#190
- Yeah. - Wow...

#191
That's what I would have wanted.

#192
- Hmm. - Wow. Beautiful.

#193
Hmm.

#194
I have to say I enjoyed the conversation.

#195
We talked all night, didn't even bang.

#196
Which is probably better because my cock was chewed to ****.

#197
So Frank was left with a dilemma.

#198
Who was he gonna choose?

#199
And for that he turned to his family.

#200
But in a bizarre turn of events,

#201
the producers learned that his family was not his family at all.

#202
He had hired actors to play them.

#203
These people are maniacs. You don't understand.

#204
I was afraid they were gonna embarrass me on national television.

#205
So Frank was concerned that his real family would embarrass him.

#206
It was time to go to his hometown:

#207
Philadelphia. The birthplace of our nation.

#208
Could it be the birthplace of a new love?

#209
Things were off to a rocky start.

#210
I was terrified to have Sam and Chewy meet the gang.

#211
But I have to admit, they played it really cool.

#212
Well, here we are.

#213
I'm so excited to see Frank.

#214
Oh, I'm just excited to meet the ladies.

#215
If Frank likes them, I'll like them.

#216
Wonder where they are.

#217
I, too, am feeling things.

#218
Well, speak of the dev... Uh, speak of Frank.

#221
- Yeah. - Oh.

#222
I was really nervous that you guys were gonna be mad

#223
about the whole fake family thing.

#224
Oh.

#225
- Frank, forget it, huh? - Oh, no. Please, we get it.

#226
- I don't care. - You were nervous.

#227
- Yeah. - I'm passed that.

#228
Yeah, I want you to know how happy we are for both of you and for Frank.

#229
- Well, thank you. - We just want what's best for everyone.

#231
Uh, Frank, should we take your dates and get to know them a little better?

#232
Oh.

#233
Okay. Uh, all right. Play nice.

#234
Play nice.

#235
Well, we always play nice. - He's a funny guy, right?

#236
- He's so funny. - A joker.

#237
Okay, listen, bitch. You are not getting the money.

#238
Yeah, you're too old to have a baby.

#239
And if you try and adopt, so help me God,

#240
we will snuff that thing out like a cigarillo.

#241
Hmm. You're on television.

#242
Please.

#243
I think we all know Disney's never gonna air this.

#245
So listen to me and listen good.

#246
You are not getting our money.

#247
I have my own money.

#248
You do?

#249
Explain yourself.

#250
I got chicken money and plenty of it too.

#251
So whatever Frank's got, he can just keep it.

#252
I made my own fortune on the backs of others.

#253
I don't need to be pulling it out of an old man's pocket.

#254
- Chicken money. - Chicken money, huh?

#255
The chicken money comment was a bit of a relief, you know?

#256
- Not that I trust her. - Well, no, that's true.

#257
We're not really the trusting kind, you know?

#258
But if she does have this so-called "chicken money",

#259
then we wouldn't mind, uh...

#260
Wetting our beaks.

#261
Did you see that? I didn't have to say it.

#262
She-She walked right into it.

#263
Dee's a bird.

#264
Uh... ...Chewy. May I call you Chewy?

#265
- Yeah. - Chewy, we are a vibe.

#266
And we need to know how you're gonna fit in.

#267
You know, I think it's important that whoever

#268
we bring into the fold fits with our dynamic.

#269
Oh, I love the gays. I'll chew on that thang.

#270
That doesn't make any sense. Moreover, it sickens me.

#271
What is this? How is this gonna work?

#272
Like, there's no room for you on my couch, man.

#273
- There's just not. - Okay. Well, we have to pick one, Charlie.

#274
I don't want to pick one. I don't understand why Frank did this.

#275
If he was unhappy, why didn't he come to me?

#276
You ruined this, okay? I need it to go back to the way that it was.

#277
Well, he's not gonna just chew on that thang.

#278
Whatever y'all want. What does that mean?

#279
Why does she keep saying it?

#280
I'd seen all I needed to see.

#281
I mean, we-we couldn't run the risk of one of these women

#282
becoming a major player in our lives.

#283
We need to bring in someone Frank might go for,

#284
but who we know we can control.

#285
A woman with no personal ambitions

#286
but who Frank could also bang.

#287
Guys, I believe I have the first line.

#288
- Uh, announcement. - Announce. Just an announcement.

#289
- It's just a natural conversation. - Yes.

#290
- He just has to talk first. - Welcome to Mac and Dennis's apartment.

#291
- Well, you're Mac. - I'm Mac.

#292
- Well, he's just welcoming. - Yeah.

#293
This is Dennis, and this is our apartment.

#294
- Yes. - And we do a lot of hosting.

#295
- That's right. - And we are not a couple.

#296
- No. - But our living arrangement is

#298
- Well, he is gay. - Well... ...Goddamn it.

#299
And I am gay.

#300
Uh, I believe I may have snapped at Dennis and hit him a little bit...

#301
- Yeah, a little bit too hard. - ...too hard.

#302
And also the fact that you're gay is inconsequential because...

#303
- It's playful. - Yes.

#304
...that's gonna make it sound like maybe I'm not.

#306
She's not supposed to say that, right?

#307
Is that it? That's all she can say?

#308
- The vocab is limited. - Good.

#309
- Yeah. - I'ma barf on it.

#310
- What? - What?

#311
That's not your line.

#313
Ah. It's kind of a catchphrase that I do, you know what I mean?

#314
- She's kidding. You're kidding. - Barf on that thing, y'all.

#316
Well, no, no, no.

#317
Should I have a catchphrase? I don't approve of this union.

#318
Let's keep this evening about Frank, okay?

#319
And not have... We don't have... Nobody has any catchphrases.

#320
We-we're just... Uh, I'm gonna raise a toast... Um...

#321
to these two wonderful women and to an impossible choice.

#322
- Yeah. - Oh.

#323
Oh.

#324
- My, my. Who could that be? - Oh. What's this?

#325
Goddamn it.

#326
Hey... Oh, Miss... Ms. Kelly.

#327
- Mom. - My God. Well, what brings you here?

#328
To be a slut and to marry Frank.

#329
That was...

#330
Oh.

#331
Really? Oh, good. Dennis, did you put her up to this?

#332
What do you mean? She just came over.

#333
Already I have to deal with two sluts and now a third?

#334
Start over, Mac! Start over.

#335
♪ yeah!

#336
Now the stakes were even higher with a third woman in the mix,

#337
but luckily for Frank,

#338
he'd have the fantasy suites to help him make up his mind.

#339
This was the hardest decision of my life. What's the order?

#340
Do I go Chewy first and work my way to Bonnie through Sam?

#341
Or do I run the risk of being gnawed to a stump and have to heal?

#342
I was feeling so many things.

#343
And then, I had an idea.

#344
Frank, there is no way Disney is ever gonna go with that.

#345
It's what I want.

#346
No, Frank, we have to stagger them.

#347
I'll handle that once we're in the middle of it.

#348
Look, you wanna join us?

#349
I don't love it, but no eye contact and we're good.

#350
All right. Let's go ahead. Let's go.

#351
Ha! Let's go, ladies.

#352
We're gonna do kind of a group situation.

#353
Why don't you just come this way?

#354
- There you go. There you go. - Yeah.

#355
- O-Okay, listen to me, Frank. - Hey.

#356
I'm no prude, right?

#357
I mean, I was in the navy, right?

#358
I took a whole destroyer full of torpedoes, you know?

#359
That's pretty funny, Sam.

#360
Yeah, but here's the thing:

#361
I feel like I'm ready to settle down and, you know...

#362
- ...I got feelings for-for-for you, Frank. - You do?

#363
Yeah, you know. Ain't that something.

#364
I-I gotta tell you a little story, right?

#365
Well, I'm kind of on the clock here, you know?

#366
Yeah, okay.

#367
When I was a little girl,

#368
I shortened my name to Sam and I told everybody,

#369
"Ooh, I-I really liked that so much better,"

#370
but I didn't.

#371
I-I just thought that... Samantha, that's-that's too long for anybody to say.

#372
So-So I changed my name, Frank, because I thought

#373
that nobody would care enough to take the time to say the whole thing.

#374
Oh, my God. Stupid, huh?

#375
Well, you were a kid.

#376
I lived my whole life that way.

#377
And when I was busy pretending to be somebody that I wasn't,

#378
you were living your life being exactly who you are.

#379
I just love that about you, Frank.

#380
And I kind of thought it was too late for me, but then,

#381
you've shown me that it's never too late

#382
to find your heart.

#383
And your voice.

#384
And your name.

#385
I think I'm falling in love with you, Frank.

#386
Yeah, I-I don't want to ruin that.

#387
So, you know, I'm not going in there.

#388
I'm-I'm gonna go.

#389
Sam had struck a chord.

#390
And now Frank had an even tougher decision to make.

#391
Just what was he going to do?

#392
Yeah, I mean, I took a shot, right?

#393
And I-I think he's feeling the same things I am.

#394
At least, I hope so, right?

#395
Yeah.

#396
What's it say?

#397
Look, as much as Dennis wanted Frank to pick Bonnie,

#398
we all knew he was gonna go with the 20-year-old, so...

#399
I devised that prank to make sure she was cool.

#400
The prank is this, when they fly us out there, we set off

#401
one of those elephant toothpaste bombs in the mansion.

#402
And then, if she likes it, she's in.

#403
What the hell is that? - What is that?

#404
Oh. It's-It's like a chemical reaction. Check it out.

#406
This is a good idea though, Mac. I could work with this.

#407
- Yeah, that's gonna be fun. - Okay.

#408
So Frank was concerned that his real family would embarrass him.

#409
Well, we've got them here with us tonight.

#410
How do you guys feel about that?

#411
Well...

#412
The situation...

#413
...under the circumstances is quite understandable.

#414
Our appearance may seem gruesome, but all can be quite easily explained.

#415
Oh. Indeed.

#417
As you can tell, our voices have also been affected,

#418
creating an unintentionally sinister tone.

#419
- So, where did things go wrong, guys? - Well...

#420
There seems to have been a miscalculation.

#421
- Our hubris got the best of us. - Nonsense.

#422
There was no mix-up in the laboratory, no... ...neglect of the pH balance.

#423
It was my jealousy of these women

#424
that drove me to surreptitiously add 20 gallons

#425
of Nair hair removal into the concoction.

#426
Wait, wait, you did what?

#427
♪ You wear short shorts If you dare wear short shorts Nair for--♪

#428
Yeah, we know the product.

#429
You're familiar with it?

#430
Do you guys know the song?

#431
- Yes, we know the goddamn song. - Yes.

#432
Uh. Okay, okay, okay, that's just...

#433
We're gonna stop right there.

#434
Uh. So with no help from his family whatsoever,

#435
Frank is now left with the most important choice of his entire life.

#436
And on that final night he had to make that choice alone.

#437
Ooh.

#438
Frank, it's the final rose.

#439
This is it. So who will you choose?

#440
Will it be Bonnie or Sara?

#441
Who the hell is Sara?

#442
You actually thought that the woman's birth name was Cock Chewa?

#443
Oh. Never gave it much thought.

#444
America is waiting.

#445
Frank, who are you gonna give it to?

#446
Well, Bonnie, you are a dirty, dirty slut.

#447
Thank you, Frank.

#448
And you're old as hell.

#449
But-But I gotta be honest, you bone me up like nobody else.

#450
So it's really hard not to choose you.

#451
Chewy, I gotta be honest, I don't like the teeth.

#452
I-I never understood the chewing thing. I mean, people like that?

#453
Chew on that thang?

#454
It's weird as hell. It hurts, your chomping on it.

#455
I mean, it's like...

#456
You go deep, deep, deep. The bottom? Oh.

#457
I may never recover from that.

#458
But I gotta say,

#459
you are so goddamn hot.

#460
It is hard not to choose you.

#461
I gotta make a decision.

#462
I gotta make a decision.

#463
And...

#464
my decision is...

#465
Sam!

#466
Sam! Sam, where are you?

#467
Sam!

#468
Sam!

#469
Sam!

#470
Samantha! Samantha!

#471
Frank.

#472
- Frank. - Saman... Oh.

#473
Samantha, don't get on that bus.

#474
I'm a jerk. I'm an idiot.

#475
But most of all I'm a coward.

#476
I-I didn't let you go because I didn't like you.

#477
I-I got rid of you because I like you too much

#478
and it scared the shit out of me.

#479
I'm just like you, Samantha.

#480
But together, we don't have to be afraid.

#481
Would you accept this rose and be my wife?

#482
Frank,

#483
I will.

#484
Be strong, Bonnie.

#485
Be strong for your little gingerbread man.

#486
Bonnie?

#487
How do you guys know each other?

#488
- This is my date. - Yeah.

#489
One. Two. Three.

#490
- Why are you doing everything in threes? - So Charlie doesn't die.

#491
Show us on the doll.

#492
Show you what?

#493
Where he touched you.

#494
I don't want a dog to eat my face, Charlie.

#495
She doesn't want a dog eating her face.

#496
Oh. Sorry.

#497
You!

#499
- I'm so excited. It's almost Christmas! - I'm so excited!

#500
I'll be in the kitchen making gingerbread men for my gingerbread boy.

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