Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S16E03 — The Gang Gets Cursed

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 16, Episode 3 — The Gang Gets Cursed

#1
MAC: Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

#2
Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys.

#3
"Congratulations, Paddy's Pub.

#4
"We are pleased to report that we are interested in featuring

#5
"your bar on an upcoming episode of our show.

#6
"We will be sending a producer to do a walk-through soon.

#7
"Warmly, your friends at...

#8
Bar Rescue!"

#9
Yes! (chuckles)

#10
This is like our dreams come true, right?

#11
What? To be on a reality TV show?

#12
Yeah. Wh-- How did this happen?

#13
I've been writing them a letter every week

#14
since the show first started.

#15
-Well, how long's it been? -Too long.

#16
DEE: I very much do want to be famous,

#17
but I don't know if I want to be on a reality show

#18
where they try and make us look like jerks.

#19
-Right. -CHARLIE: Right. Oh, right, yeah.

#20
'Cause, like, what if they, like, edit it

#21
to, like, make me look stupid or something?

#22
Yeah. This is a definite pass for me. I'm out.

#23
This could be huge for us.

#24
What are you guys talking about?

#25
I'm a little disappointed that you didn't tell me earlier

#26
because I would have been working out

#27
for weeks in preparation.

#28
I mean, for God's sakes, man.

#29
What if, what if my shirt falls off?

#30
Yeah, yeah. I'm a little off my regimen, too.

#31
Like, I haven't even been doing any of my...

#32
-workouts. -Ever. He never has. Yeah.

#33
You guys are missing the bigger picture here.

#34
I mean, wh-what are the odds that they would pick our bar?

#35
This is a million-to-one shot,

#36
and I've got a really good feeling about this, guys.

#37
Things are about to change here at Paddy's Pub

#38
because our luck just turned around.

#39
♪ ♪

#40
The second I clean it up, you're making more crumbs.

#41
-Stop. -There should be more crumbs.

#42
We should put crumbs all over the goddamn bar.

#43
Sorry, but, Charlie, why am I seeing so many silverfish?

#44
I-I don't know where they're coming from, man.

#45
I cannot get rid of them.

#46
You should not get rid of them.

#47
Don't you guys understand what Bar Rescue is?

#48
These are the exact kind of things

#49
that John Taffer's gonna come in and hand our asses to us about.

#50
-(sputters) -DENNIS: Wait, wait, wait, wait.

#51
No, I don't-- I don't want to have my ass handed to me.

#52
I mean, how the bar comes across is

#53
-a reflection of how I come across. Okay? -Yes.

#54
And I, for one, don't want to be known

#55
as a silverfish man. Okay?

#56
I want to look good for the people watching

#57
in their...

#58
(stammering)

#59
Uh... What's the-the thing?

#60
The-the boxes that-that people live in?

#61
You talking about their homes?

#62
Y-- uh, yes, yeah. Their homes.

#63
-(door opens) -Jesus. I couldn't think of that word. That's so weird.

#64
Guys, we have a problem.

#65
But whatever you do, don't laugh.

#66
(laughter)

#67
-How are we not supposed to laugh at that? -I wouldn't laugh at that.

#68
This is not funny, all right? It's not a joke.

#69
I don't know what's going on with my face,

#70
but it's broken or something.

#71
-(laughter) -MAC: It's very funny.

#72
-That's really funny. -(groaning)

#73
-Ah! -My egg's all bloody.

#74
Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.

#75
This is bad, dude.

#76
This is the kind of stuff that starts happening

#77
when someone's put a curse on you.

#78
-Curse? What are you talking about? -What?

#79
Let's just stop and think for a second, okay?

#80
Like, Dee, did you have any run-ins

#81
with anyone who might have put a curse on you?

#82
I mean, I had a tiny little issue

#83
with a neighbor last night.

#84
-(gunfire on TV) -Yes!

#85
-(knocking) -Spewing my hate all over your teenage asses.

#86
What? (groans)

#87
Banging the goddamn door down. What?

#88
Yeah.

#89
What? Why are you trying to break my door down

#90
at 3:00 in the morning?

#91
I baked you some brownies.

#92
Why you baking me shit?

#93
-Trying to poison me? -(scoffs) No.

#94
I just wanted to kindly ask if you could keep the noise down.

#95
(chuckles): Oh. Oh, no. I'm so sorry.

#96
I didn't realize.

#97
-That was really sweet of you... -Oh, yeah.

#98
-...to bake these for me. -Yeah.

#99
Hey, I have something for you also.

#100
-Oh, it's so nice. What is it? -Yeah.

#101
Well, it's a trophy. See?

#102
It says "Cunt of the Year."

#103
That's you.

#104
You are a nasty woman,

#105
and bad things are going to happen to you one day.

#106
I guarantee it.

#107
Drop dead.

#108
Well, ther e you go. It sounded like that lady cursed you.

#109
I don't know. I call old ladies cunts all the time. We all do.

#110
-Right. -That's true. -No, she brings up a good point.

#111
-We do. We do. -I called an old lady a cunt this morning.

#112
-See? -Did you? Yeah. -I sure did. I sure did.

#113
-No, I might've done it, too, actually. -Honestly,

#114
for me this raises an even bigger concern.

#115
Okay. What's that?

#116
Dee had no right to give that trophy away.

#117
-I mean, we worked very, very hard on that. -(Charlie groans)

#118
We did. It's not easy to make.

#119
-Nobody wanted to do it. -Plus, she earned it, right?

#120
-Yeah, you earned it. -And you earned it.

#121
And you're just gonna give it away? I mean...

#122
Either way, this is all bullshit anyway,

#123
because we're not having bad luck, we're having good luck.

#124
What about my egg?

#125
You know what that might've been?

#126
Y-You might've gotten cursed when you killed that seabird.

#127
-What seabird? -Oh, I didn't tell you guys about this? Okay.

#128
So, the other day, uh, Frank's making a banana daiquiri.

#129
Seagull flies right into the bar.

#130
-Cheers. -Yeah. Here you go.

#131
-It's tasty. -(squawking)

#132
-Oh, shit. -What?

#133
A seagull.

#134
Whoa.

#135
(squawking)

#136
Oh, a little birdie.

#137
Oh, what a sweet little birdie.

#138
You want some food? Want some?

#139
-(seagull squawking) -Whoa! Shit, Frank!

#140
-Die! -Ah, Frank. Jesus.

#141
Come here, you rat, die!

#142
(grunting)

#143
Ah! Goddamn!

#144
And die, you fucking seagull.

#145
Bitch. Fucking cunt.

#146
Well, it's bad luck if a seabird flies into a building.

#147
No, dude. It's bad luck to kill a seabird.

#148
Every sailor knows that.

#149
I don't sail.

#150
Charlie, will you stop trying to turn

#151
our good fortune into bad fortune?

#152
All this doom and gloom. Nobody is cursed.

#153
Oh, really, Mac? Because I straight-up heard

#154
Cricket curse you yesterday.

#155
All right. It's time to make good

#156
on your end of the bargain, Mac.

#157
What are you talking about? I still need proof.

#158
Oh, come on, man. Don't start with that.

#159
-We had... -Cricket, what are you doing in here, man?

#160
That's what I was just saying.

#161
Cricket, what are you doing in here?

#162
What? What-what-- No, we're-we're talking business.

#163
Business? I'm not doing business with you, street trash.

#164
What is your deal, man? What-what...

#165
One second you need me, the next I'm a pile of garbage?

#166
-Is that what this is? -Cricket, beat it, man...

#167
You better beat it, or I'm gonna beat you with my shoe.

#168
-You know what? -Get out of the bar, dude.

#169
You know what? Screw you guys.

#170
Oh. Hey, Mac.

#171
A curse on you.

#172
Vos omnes maledicti mille annis.

#173
I mean, he-he literally cursed you, man.

#174
Now, guys, come on. We got to take this seriously.

#175
Like, let's look at this. Like, uh, Frank.

#176
Let-Let's do our homework on sailors' curses.

#177
Dee, Mac, go make your apologies.

#178
I will do nothing of the sort.

#179
In fact, I am done listening to this.

#180
It's irritating, anti-God,

#181
and most importantly will not make for good Bar Rescue banter.

#182
I am leaving.

#183
Come on, man!

#184
Charlie, how do you know all this curse...

#185
-Stuff? -Yeah.

#186
That-- I mean, look, maybe it's real, maybe it's not.

#187
But, like, look at it this way.

#188
Like, i-if a black cat crosses your path,

#189
do you spit over your left shoulder?

#190
-Uh-uh. -Why would I do that?

#191
-No. -You guys don't do that one?

#192
I don't know what that is.

#193
Well, I mean, like, when you're hopeful

#194
for something, though, do you knock on wood?

#195
-Oh, that one. No. No. -Nah... No.

#196
I've heard of that one, but I don't do it.

#197
Well, do you make a wish

#198
when you blow out a damn candle? I mean...

#199
-Of course we do. -Yes. -Ah, yes, that one I do.

#200
-You know what I'm talking about. -Candles, yeah, I like that.

#201
Well, 'cause I want my wishes to come true.

#202
Okay. And why do you do it?

#203
You do it just in case.

#204
Just in case it's real, right?

#205
And "just in case" is as good a reason

#206
to believe in anything as any.

#207
Hmm.

#208
I got to call a doctor or something.

#209
Oh, no, you definitely should.

#210
I'm pretty sure you have Bell's palsy.

#211
I, uh, I looked it up.

#212
But first you got to apologize to your neighbor.

#213
Yeah. Just in case? Hmm?

#214
Just in ca-- No, no.

#215
I don't believe in that bullshit. No.

#216
She's got the trophy. I want to get the trophy back.

#217
You had no right to give that to her.

#218
I swear to God, if she doesn't have that thing,

#219
-I'm gonna paralyze the other side of your face. -Oh, okay.

#220
'Cause I want it. Come on, that's-that's crazy.

#221
You-you have to be nominated for that.

#222
(sighs)

#223
Hello, um, you don't know me,

#224
but I'm the brother of this horrible woman,

#225
and she just wanted to come by and tell you

#226
that she's very...

#227
Uh, she-she feels-- She, uh... (sighs)

#228
Oh, what's the word?

#229
(stammers) To make better the feelings?

#230
-"Sorry"? -Sorry. Yes. Goddamn.

#231
Um... I don't know what that-- Yeah.

#232
-Yeah. -Um, and also, she, um...

#233
(sighs) She gave you something, uh, a trophy,

#234
and-and it was not hers to give.

#235
Do-do you perhaps still have that?

#236
-Yeah, I have it. I'll get it. -Yeah? Okay, great.

#237
You know what? I got to look up some clinics,

#238
'cause I really need a doctor to fix my face

#239
before we're on TV.

#240
-Uh-oh. -Hmm?

#241
-Whoa. Did-did you see that? -What?

#242
See what?

#243
Uh, a black cat just ran out of her apartment.

#244
-It just... -I didn't see a cat.

#245
You kidding me? It ran right past us.

#246
Well, that's not good.

#247
-A black cat? -Yeah.

#248
Well, shit. What'd Charlie say we were supposed to do

#249
if we saw it? That's a bad omen.

#250
Oh. (spits)

#251
-Oh! -(groaning)

#252
Uh-oh. I got you, didn't I? Sorry about that.

#253
-Yes, you did. -Yeah.

#254
Boy, that's a shame.

#255
-Thank you for this, though. -Yeah.

#256
Um, listen, um... Do you have a cat?

#257
'Cause I think I just saw one run out of your apartment.

#258
-A cat? -Yeah, yeah. A little black cat?

#259
I had a little black cat. Her name was Maureen.

#260
Whoa.

#261
But she's been dead for years.

#262
Huh. That's crazy.

#263
I was, I was murdered to a woman named Maureen.

#264
-Huh? -Huh?

#265
No, I meant married. I'm sorry.

#266
I was married to a woman named Maureen.

#267
I-I...

#268
That's so weird. I swear I saw a cat.

#269
You know what? This place is full of cats.

#270
Can we get out of here, please?

#271
-Yeah, go. Go. -Okay.

#272
And please keep the noise down at night.

#273
Yeah. Okay, you got it, cunt.

#274
Are you sure about this, Cricket?

#275
Yeah, I'm sure about it, man.

#276
I've been greasing the doormen of this building for years.

#277
Chase Utley's back in town.

#278
He's coming out of his apartment any second now.

#279
Is it good intel? 'Cause I only got one good shot at this.

#280
Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. What do I know?

#281
I'm just a street rat, right?

#282
I'm just trash. That's what you said.

#283
-Okay, Cricks, I'll tell you... -You've got nothing for me.

#284
I knew you were gonna be a little bit of

#285
a bitch about this, so I did something nice.

#286
-I got you a sixer. -You got that for me?

#287
Yeah, I got a gift for you, buddy.

#288
(laughs) There's only four in here.

#289
I drank two of 'em, of course.

#290
Okay. All right. Well, thank you. (clears throat)

#291
Oh, I'm gonna buy a six-pack and not drink two?

#292
Well, yeah. That's kind of the kind thing to...

#293
(stammers) But I-- Look, um, thank you for the four.

#294
If I'm being honest, I drank four.

#295
Two of those are piss.

#296
Because I was stuck in the van, and you were out...

#297
You know what, I don't even care, frankly.

#298
-I'm just glad to have a beverage. -Yeah. All right.

#299
(clears throat) All right, um...

#300
-(sighs) -Dominus espritu sanctum, okay?

#301
-You're off. -What was that?

#302
I was, uh, I was lifting the curse that I put on you.

#303
Oh. Yeah, no, I don't believe in curses.

#304
Yeah, that's anti-God,

#305
and God is the reason that all things happen.

#306
And speaking of things that happened,

#307
I got to show you something, Cricks,

#308
but you got to keep it a secret.

#309
Something wrong with your dick?

#310
-What? -Okay, I was waiting for this.

#311
If it's your dick, though, I-I got to charge you for it.

#312
I'm gonna tell you right now.

#313
No. It's not my dick, Cricket.

#314
Well, if-if you're gonna whip it out, uh,

#315
we're on the clock. All right?

#316
-I'm not whipping anything out! -There's a tiered system...

#317
Look. This.

#318
What? What is that?

#319
It's a monkey paw, and I think it's good luck,

#320
like a rabbit's foot or something like that,

#321
'cause ever since I found it,

#322
nothing but good things have happened.

#323
Uh, sorry, I thought God was the reason

#324
that anything good happens, et cetera.

#325
Well, no. God decides who the good things happen to

#326
and then who he smites.

#327
-You're not following. -I-I can't follow it.

#328
-Cricket, I'm... -It makes literally no sense.

#329
-You got to pick a lane. -I don't even know why I even...

#330
-CRICKET: Let's get this open. I'm feeling curious. -Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.

#331
Wait, that's-- there he is, there he is. Okay.

#332
Let's go.

#333
-(car horns honk, tires screech) -Mr. Utley?

#334
Mr. Utley?

#335
Mr. Utley, a moment of your time, sir.

#336
Mr. Utley?

#337
Mr. Utley, hello?

#338
Hello. Oh, hi. Hi, Mr. Utley.

#339
Hey, uh, would you like an autograph?

#340
Oh, no. That's a cl-- a classic, Mr. Utley.

#341
-I-It's me, Mac. -I don't know a Mac.

#342
I wrote you a letter every week for the last ten years.

#343
Did you not receive my letters? There was a video.

#344
A video in response. Wait.

#345
"Dear Mac, I feel like I can call you Mac

#346
"because you called me Chase.

#347
"Thank you for the compliment on my hair.

#348
"It's my fourth favorite thing after baseball,

#349
"running fast and my dad.

#350
"I'm sorry your dad doesn't like you.

#351
"Maybe you could become a better son.

#352
"Meeting you and having a game of catch

#353
"sounds like a lot of fun, but like I said,

#354
"I'm really busy playing a lot of baseball for the Phillies.

#355
"I hope you have a good life.

#356
"Fans like you make my life a 'grand slam.'

#357
Your good friend, Chase."

#358
-Wait, you're that Mac? -Yes.

#359
I thought Mac was a little kid.

#360
Yes, there's a child. A child...

#361
A child born unto me. Little Mac.

#362
-What? -He's Little Mac, I'm Big Mac,

#363
and you shall have a catch with him.

#364
Your hair, it's throwing me.

#365
It's making me very nervous. (exhales)

#366
On the Dodgers, yes, you were the Silver Fox.

#367
Philadelphia, you were just the Fox.

#368
I don't know, man. I'm pretty busy.

#369
Yes, we're all, we're all busy, but the boy is sick.

#370
He's very sick. He's, he's dying.

#371
He's got leukemia and you shall have a catch with him.

#372
-Where's my car? -I'll tweet that you didn't.

#373
I'm sorry. I threatened you.

#374
Now I'm upset and so are you.

#375
(exhales)

#376
A catch, we shall have? Later today.

#377
Okay. Maybe, but for, like, five minutes tops.

#378
-Yes. Yes, yes. -I'm really busy.

#379
-(knocks on window) -CHARLIE: Mom?

#380
Hey, can we pick your brain about something?

#381
Oh, Charlie, I didn't think you could make it.

#382
-Come on in. -Yeah, shit, I forgot it's Uncle Jack's birthday.

#383
Come on in, Charlie. You can sit next to me.

#384
Nah, I'm good. Uh, we'll come back later or something.

#385
No, no, no, no, Charlie. I want a piece of cake.

#386
-Come on. -Oh, do you? Oh, shit.

#387
Okay, all right, all right.

#388
♪ Happy birthday, dear Jack ♪

#389
-♪ Happy birthday to you. ♪ -Can we switch seats?

#390
-(laughter) -Okay, make a wish.

#391
Oh, right, right, right. Okay, you and I hold hands.

#392
-Nope. -Okay, ready?

#393
-(exhales sharply) -All right.

#394
-Oh! -Good. All right. Very good, very good.

#395
Hey, you want to know my wish, Charlie?

#396
-Sure don't, pal. -Ooh, don't tell him your wish,

#397
-it won't come true. -Yeah, there you go.

#398
-Exactly. -I made a wish, too.

#399
How about you and me go on upstairs with some cake, Bon?

#400
Hey, Frank, you don't get a wish, okay?

#401
-That's not how birthday candles work. -(both laugh)

#402
-Says who? -Uh, look, that's not why we're here!

#403
Mom, Frank killed a seagull.

#404
(screams)

#405
(groans)

#406
Hey, that's not good, Frank.

#407
Yeah, we know it's not good, Uncle Jack. Okay?

#408
That's why-- that's why we came here, all right?

#409
Mom, now is that the kind of thing that could put, like,

#410
-a curse on Frank? -Yes.

#411
They say that a sailor's spirit lives on in the gulls,

#412
and if you kill a gull, the sailor

#413
can haunt you for the rest of its life.

#414
-No shit? -Yeah, well, is there anything we can do,

#415
-or, like... -Well, you could slit Frank's throat

#416
with a horn of a goat and drink a bowl of his blood.

#417
What?

#418
Well, uh, okay, yeah, maybe not, maybe not that.

#419
Is, like, there anything else, or...

#420
Ooh!

#421
He could behead the gull and wear its skull

#422
around his neck for the rest of his life.

#423
Mom, that's not gonna work, 'cause we don't have

#424
-the gull anymore. -Yeah, we do.

#425
It's at the bar.

#426
-What? It is? -Mm, yeah.

#427
I kicked it under one of the booths

#428
so I didn't have to clean it up.

#429
(stammers)

#430
Okay, so you're telling me that you want to wear

#431
a seagull skull around your neck for the rest of your life?

#432
I don't know. Could be cool.

#433
No, we're not doing that. That's crazy.

#434
Mom, anything else?

#435
You could give the seagull

#436
a proper burial.

#437
What? Well, yeah, that one, Mom. That one.

#438
Why didn't you lead off with that one in the first place?

#439
Well, sometimes you're at sea, Charlie,

#440
and you wouldn't have that option.

#441
Do I look like I'm at sea, Mom?

#442
-I don't know. -You don't know if I'm at sea?

#443
-(shushing) -You don't, uh-- Uncle Jack, stop.

#444
Stop putting your hand on me.

#445
(exhales) Looking for this.

#446
What is it?

#447
Maureen Ponderosa.

#448
-Well, why do you have that? -Well, I wanted to keep it

#449
as a-a-a...

#450
Oh, a trophy? From the murder.

#451
No, not a-- What? No, not a trophy.

#452
I-- As-- I wanted...

#453
Like a souvenir, f-from your victim.

#454
Not a souvenir, no. It's-it's, a...

#455
It's a-- I wanted to keep it as a w-way to spite her.

#456
Which one? Which one's it under?

#457
-Uh, by the jukebox. Over here. -Oh-- ah!

#458
-Over here. -I see it, yeah. Let me get a trash bag.

#459
-Eh. -(groans)

#460
-What the hell is that? -That's the gull Frank killed.

#461
-(groans) All right. -What's that?

#462
Oh, that's his dead wife.

#463
-Yeah. -Looks like a trophy.

#464
No, it's not a-a trophy, okay? (stammers)

#465
The crazy bitch had it in her will that she wanted

#466
to be buried in a pet cemetery, and I refused.

#467
Wait a second.

#468
You refused your wife's dying wishes

#469
to be buried in a pet cemetery? Why would you do that?

#470
Because she's not a cat.

#471
Yeah, but, dude, like, that's-that's the exact

#472
kind of thing that could lead to a curse.

#473
That... I know.

#474
-I-- Yes. Okay, I get that now. -(door opens)

#475
-This is bullshit, Cricket. -I don't know what you're so upset about.

#476
Y-You said get a kid.

#477
I mean, his name on the street is literally "Kid."

#478
-That's what he goes by. -He is a grown man.

#479
I can be whatever you want me to be, champ.

#480
-I'll make your dreams come true. -Oh, he can.

#481
-Would you make it-- Do a, do a turn. Do a spin. -Oh.

#482
There you go. Make it sexy. Let's go.

#483
-(exhales) -Yeah.

#484
Uh, move the bangs, put the bangs.

#485
Show them your face, show them your face.

#486
-Yeah. Huh? -Hey.

#487
-Get him out of here. -All right, yeah. You're gone.

#488
-Uh, here. Go. -Oh, yeah...

#489
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

#490
Drugs? Mm.

#491
-No eyes. -(grunts)

#492
Okay.

#493
It's all about respect.

#494
Mac, what the hell is this?

#495
Um, I believe that Cricket is now a pimp,

#496
and that was his boy slut.

#497
Uh, t-that's oversimplifying it.

#498
But, uh, that's-that's it in a nutshell.

#499
No, we got that. He got, yeah, he means like...

#500
Yes. I-I mean, what are you doing with Cricket?

#501
No, he's got a monkey paw. (chuckles)

#502
Ugh, come on, Cricket. That's a secret.

#503
Oh, I can't keep secret-- Honestly, I'm so high,

#504
I'm thinking about it, and I'm gonna go

#505
with him in the bathroom and finish up the-- Yeah.

#506
CHARLIE: Mac, what's going on

#507
with the monkey paw? What is this?

#508
You know how I've been chasing Chase Utley

#509
for years to have a catch?

#510
Well, I finally got to him and we were supposed

#511
to have a catch tomorrow with my "dying son."

#512
Cricket was gonna help me find one,

#513
-but he brought back a junkie. -Wait, wait, wait.

#514
You actually met Chase Utley? How'd you do that?

#515
Well, ever since I found this monkey's paw,

#516
my luck has totally turned around.

#517
Well, actually, it wasn't just a paw.

#518
It was a whole monkey behind the kegs, and he was dead.

#519
He had this cash in his hand, and when I went

#520
to grab the cash, the whole hand just, like, kind of popped out,

#521
and I've been carrying it around ever since.

#522
(laughs): Monkey in the bar, right? Totally random.

#523
Wha-- that-that's not random at all.

#524
That's probably the monkey that worked here,

#525
-robbed us and fucked our faces. -FRANK: He got stuck behind the keg.

#526
-It's behind the kegs? -MAC: Well, actually,

#527
I found him by the office, but I kicked him behind the kegs

#528
because I didn't feel like cleaning him up.

#529
-Oh! -Goddamn it!

#530
-(all groaning) -Well, he is decomposing

#531
and there's also a shit-ton of mold back there.

#532
-Shit, now I smell it. -I don't know how I missed that.

#533
CHARLIE: Okay, okay.

#534
I got a new fix, all right? I got a new fix for everything.

#535
We're gonna take, uh, your wife,

#536
the gull and what's left of the monkey,

#537
and we're gonna bury them all in a pet cemetery.

#538
And Mac, you are gonna have a catch with Chase Utley,

#539
but not with your dying son.

#540
-Why not? -'Cause he's already dead.

#541
(bagpipes playing)

#542
CHASE: I'm confused.

#543
This is your son?

#544
Oh, yes, Mr. Utley.

#545
I didn't have the heart to tell you earlier.

#546
He was only ten years old when he died. He's dead now.

#547
Why is he buried at a pet cemetery?

#548
Dogs. He loved dogs.

#549
Okay, man. What is this?

#550
What's going on?

#551
(sighs)

#552
I'm sorry, I...

#553
(sighs) Look, I know you're gonna think that this is crazy,

#554
but I-I found this monkey paw,

#555
and it's brought me really good luck.

#556
And I know that you don't think superstitions are real,

#557
and that this is all ridiculous...

#558
Not real? Of course they're real.

#559
-What, really? -Yeah.

#560
How do you think baseball players get out of their slumps?

#561
With superstitions.

#562
'Cause what they believe influences their actions.

#563
But actions do have consequences.

#564
Like lying, Mac.

#565
Why don't you hand over that monkey paw?

#566
You're right.

#567
You're right, actions do have consequences, and I...

#568
I'm really sorry, man, I think...

#569
Hall of Fame, baby, here I come!

#570
What the hell was that all about?

#571
I think Chase Utley just stole my monkey paw.

#572
Oh. Well, then, maybe the curse has been lifted.

#573
-Oh. Right, yeah. -Uh, hey, guys? Um...

#574
-Hmm? -Check this out.

#575
Okay, so, apparently, um...

#576
temporary facial paralysis and brain fog

#577
are all symptoms of exposure to high levels of mold.

#578
-Huh? -Oh...

#579
You know what? That might also explain the silverfish.

#580
Yeah, no, it does. Actually, it does.

#581
They eat mold.

#582
-Huh? -And what about my egg?

#583
Well, is it possible, Frank,

#584
that that egg was a seagull egg?

#585
(tongue clicks)

#586
-Oh... -That might've been, because, you know what,

#587
-we found some eggs... -And we...

#588
-And you might've mixed them up. -I might've swapped--

#589
-mixed them up. -Yeah, 'cause we had store eggs

#590
-and we had found eggs. -You did a flip-flop.

#591
-You did a flip-flop. -Yeah, there you go.

#592
So, the-- so, there's no curse.

#593
Oh, no. Hold on a second.

#594
"Dear Mr. McDonald, we regret to inform you

#595
that we came by your bar and there was nobody there."

#596
-Huh? -"After several failed attempts

#597
"to reach you, we have decided to rescind our offer.

#598
We wish you the best of luck. Your friends at Bar Rescue."

#599
Damn it. If I had that monkey paw,

#600
none of this would've happened.

#601
Yeah, so that means we are still cursed.

#602
-Oh, no. -Shit. -It doesn't!

#603
We're not-- There is no curse.

#604
Okay? Mac, no, you were never lucky.

#605
Okay? You just bombarded them both with mail.

#606
And you stalked Chase Utley for years.

#607
We're not unlucky, okay? We're just the type of...

#608
We're just the type of people to bury various animals

#609
and-and wives in a pet cemetery

#610
when we know we should be at work.

#611
-Oh, yeah. -Let's go back to the bar.

#612
-(soft laughter) -Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

#613
Uh, what about me? What about my luck?

#614
I don't know, Cricks, I guess... there's no real explanation

#615
as to why bad things would happen to you.

#616
-Yeah. -Maybe it's just one of those things, Cricket.

#617
-That's life. That's life, sometimes. -Yeah, man.

#618
-It is what it is. -You got a dark cloud

#619
-following you around. -CHARLIE: It is what it is.

#620
-FRANK: That's all there is to it. -MAC: It is what it is.

#621
-CHARLIE: It is what it is. -DENNIS: Nice day.

#622
(trio chanting backwards)

#623
Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org

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