Home » Hazbin Hotel » S01E05 — Dad Beat Dad

Hazbin Hotel

Season 1, Episode 5 — Dad Beat Dad

#1
[opening credit music]

#2
[gentle music]

#3
[Vaggie yawns]

#4
Oh. Charlie?

#5
Don't understand why it's not working. Think Charlie, think.

#6
Think, think, think, think, think, think.

#7
[mutters]

#12
Nope, no! Not really! Haha!

#13
I've been up all night trying to figure out why the hotel isn't working.

#14
We've done trust falls. We've tried sharing our feelings.

#15
We only have a couple months left before the angels come.

#16
[Manic laughter]

#17
-And at this rate... -[Vaggie] Maybe it's time...

#18
-No. -to ask...

#19
Don't say it.

#20
your dad.

#21
[Charlie groans]

#25
[gasps]

#28
He could get me a meeting with Heaven.

#29
Didn't we already try that?

#30
Well, yeah, with Adam, he was an asshole.

#31
But he isn't in charge of all of Heaven.

#32
We could go to the top!

#33
There's sure to be some angels who will listen.

#34
[Husk] What's the holdup?

#35
You got daddy issues?

#36
No, we just have never been close.

#37
After he and Mom split, he never really wanted to see me.

#38
He calls... sometimes, but only if he's bored or like, needs me to do something.

#39
Daddy issues.

#40
Well, I'd like to meet the big dick in charge.

#41
The ultimate bad boy. [giggles like a gremlin]

#42
I bet he's scary.

#43
[Lucifer] That's it.

#44
[suspenseful music] Almost there!

#45
Now presenting...

#46
the magic-tastical backflipping rubber duck!

#47
Ha ha!

#48
That spits fire!

#49
[laughs] [jovial music]

#50
Hold the applause! Please, okay.

#51
Oh, thank you, thank you. Oh God, who am I kidding, this sucks!

#52
[duck squeaks]

#53
[phone rings]

#54
Daughter? Daughter calling, daughter, daughter calling! Oh! Um-Uh.

#55
Hello, Charlie.

#56
H-Hey, heyyy, CharChar...

#57
No! No, that's not good.

#58
Oh, this is the first time she's called you in years.

#59
This has to be perfect.

#60
Hey, bitch!

#61
Hi, Dad.

#62
Hey! How are you? [chuckles]

#63
Wh-wh-where are you these days?

#64
You know where I am, Dad. I've told you before.

#65
You have? Oh yeah, uh?

#66
Well, you know I um, uh...

#67
I told you when you called me five months ago.

#68
Or did you not listen?

#69
No, no, no, no. Just, you know, just forgot, I've just been really busy!

#70
Ya know with um... important things.

#71
Well, I'm actually running a hotel to rehabilitate sinners.

#72
Maybe you saw our commercial.

#73
Oh...sadly I missed it.

#74
Heheh, you know I haven't been watching much TV lately.

#75
Scrambles the brain.

#76
[laughs]

#77
But, hey, a hotel! Fun!

#78
[sighs] Listen, Dad, I've got... kind of a big ask.

#79
[coughs] Yeah, of course.

#80
Anything in my power is yours for the asking.

#81
You just name it.

#82
I need to speak to Heaven.

#83
Well, whoever's in charge up there, above Adam, above anybody.

#84
I need to go to the top.

#85
Oh no!

#86
Nooooo,

#87
[Lucifer] no, no, no, no, Charlie

#88
no, no, no, that's, uh... No.

#89
[frustrated] Look, Dad. I don't ask you for much.

#90
I never have, but this, this is really important to me.

#91
It's the most important thing I've ever done.

#92
And... I need you.

#93
[Charlie] I need your help.

#94
[stammers] I don't know, Charlie.

#95
Please, just come see what I'm trying to do.

#96
You'll see why it's a really good idea.

#97
And Heaven is bound to agree if I get the chance to talk to them.

#98
Please, Dad.

#99
Wait. You're inviting me over?

#100
Absolutely!

#101
Hoh! I'll be there in an hour! [phone beeps]

#102
[singing] My daughter wants to see me! Take that depression!

#103
Well, we have an hour until he gets here.

#104
[Vaggie] Okay, people, Lucifer is on his way.

#105
So we are going to get this place presentable,

#106
and we are all going to make an amazing impression!

#107
Vamonos!

#108
[light music]

#109
[breathes deeply]

#110
[Charlie] Okay everyone,

#111
it's showtime!

#112
-[Lucifer] Chaaaarlie!! -Hey, Da-

#113
Oh, it's so good to see you. Haha!

#114
It's good to see you, too, Dad.

#115
[gasps]

#116
[clears throat] Welcome! To the Hazbin Hotel!

#117
Oh, hewwo, Keekee!

#118
Razzle, Dazzle!

#119
Oh, look how much you haven't grown!

#120
Still fun sized.

#121
You taking care of my little girl?

#122
[ominously] You better be... [laugh]

#123
Wow, this place sure looks, uh...

#124
Uh-huh. Yeah. Uh-huh.

#125
It's got a lot of character.

#126
Oh, what in the unholy Hell is that?!

#127
[Alastor] Just some of the renovations we had done.

#128
Adds a bit of color, don't you think?

#129
[Lucifer] And you are?

#130
Alastor! Pleasure to be meeting you, sir.

#131
Quite a pleasure!

#132
It's nice to finally put a face to the name.

#133
You are much shorter in real life.

#134
Who is this? Who's this now?

#135
Are you the bellhop?

#136
Haha! No! I am the host of the hotel.

#137
You might have heard of me from my radio broadcast.

#138
Hmm. Nope! I guess that's why Charlie called it the 'Hazbin' Hotel! Hahaha.

#139
Ha ha ha! It was actually my idea.

#140
Ha ha ha! Well, it's not very clever!

#141
Ha ha, fuck you.

#142
Okay! Okay. Anyway.

#143
Dad, look at this lovely parlor, where people can get to know each other

#144
and share secrets and stories and intimate feelings!

#145
Without Alastor,

#146
we wouldn't have been able to pretty it up this much!

#147
[Alastor] Charlie has a very unique vision.

#148
I am happy to fulfill her bizarre requests.

#149
Oh, thank you, Alastor.

#150
[Lucifer growls]

#151
Quite an impressive young lady.

#152
We're all very proud of her.

#153
[Lucifer clears throat] Charlie, dear,

#154
why don't you introduce me to your other friends?

#155
Oh, yes, of course.

#156
This is Vaggie.

#157
She's my girlfriend!

#158
Oh ho my golly! You like girls?

#159
So do I, we have so much in common!

#160
Put er' there, Maggie!

#161
She's so pretty.

#162
[Vaggie] Uh, lovely to meet you, uh, sir!

#163
And this is Sir Pentious and Angel Dust, our guests!

#164
Your Majesty!

#165
[Sleazily] Heya, short king.

#166
Husk is our bartender, and Niffty is our housekeeper!

#167
Nice to meet you.

#168
Hello.

#169
I clean. Hehehehe.

#170
[crash]

#171
[coughs]

#172
Ha ha ha, alright then.

#173
[Upbeat music] Ha ha.

#174
♪ Looks like you could use some help from the big boss of Hell himself ♪

#175
♪ Check out Daddy's glowing reviews on Yelp ♪

#176
♪ 'Five Stars' 'Flawless!' 'Greater than great!' ♪

#177
♪ Oh, with a punch of a pentagram ♪

#178
♪ I wap bap boom alakazam ♪

#179
♪ Usually, I charge a sacrificial lamb ♪

#180
♪ But you get the family rate! ♪

#181
♪ Thanks, Dad ♪

#182
♪ Who needs a busboy now that you've got the chef ♪

#183
♪ Woh-oh-oh! ♪

#184
♪ Michelin tasting menu free a la carte ♪

#185
♪ I'll rig the game for you because I'm the ref ♪

#186
♪ Champagne fountains, caviar mountains, that's just a start! ♪

#187
♪ Who's been here since day one? ♪

#188
♪ Who's been faithful as a nun? ♪

#189
♪ Makes you chuckle with an old-timey pun ♪

#190
♪ Your executive producer ♪

#191
♪ That's true! ♪

#192
♪ I'm your guy, your day-to-day ♪

#193
♪ Your chum, your steadfast hotelier ♪

#194
♪ Remember when I fixed that clog today? ♪

#195
♪ I was stuck, thank you, sir! ♪

#196
♪ Oh you! ♪

#197
♪ I'm truly honored that we've built such a bond ♪

#198
♪ Aawww ♪

#199
♪ You're like the child that I wish that I had ♪

#200
Uh, what?

#201
♪ I care for you just like a daughter I spawned ♪

#202
Hold on now!

#203
♪ It's a little funny, you could almost call me ♪

#204
♪ Dad ♪

#205
[Lucifer plays violin]

#206
[Alastor plays piano]

#207
[Lucifer plays accordion]

#208
♪ They say when you're looking for assistance ♪

#209
♪ It's smart to pick the path of least resistance ♪

#210
♪ Others say that in your needy hour ♪

#211
♪ There's no substitute for pure angelic power! ♪

#212
♪ Who just happens to also be your blood ♪

#213
♪ Sadly there are times a birth parent is a dud ♪

#214
♪ They say the family you choose is better ♪

#215
♪ What a bunch of losers! ♪

#216
♪ Can you butt out of my song? ♪

#217
-♪ Your song? I started this ♪ -♪ I'm singing it, I'll finish it! ♪

#218
♪ Oh you tacky piece of... ♪

#219
♪ It's me! Yes, it's me!! ♪

#220
♪ I know you were all waiting for me ♪

#221
♪ I'm here ♪

#222
♪ What a gas ♪

#223
♪ Took a while but I'm present at last! ♪

#224
♪ It's me ♪

#225
♪ Mimzzzyyyyyyy ♪

#226
[Lucifer] Who?

#227
Didn't you just hear me?

#228
Why is everybody gawkin'?

#229
Is it, cuz I'm adorable?

#230
Mimzy!

#231
Alastooorr, sweetie, doll-face!

#232
So good to see you.

#233
How you been? Good? Good.

#234
[squeeze]

#235
Listen, I was in the neighborhood.

#236
I heard you were staying at this ritzy slob factory,

#237
and I figured I'd stop by, say hi!

#238
For old times sake.

#239
Of course, sweetheart!

#240
Everyone is welcome here.

#241
[Charlie] Oh, how nice!

#242
So you two know each other?

#243
Oh, yeah. We go way back,

#244
ran in the same circles when we were alive.

#245
You know, this one used to frequent the club where I used to perform.

#246
He's the only one I knew who could pound whiskey like a sailor

#247
then keep up with me on the dance floor.

#248
Oh, quite a talent, this gal.

#249
Ho, ho, you should have seen her in her heyday.

#250
Hey, watch it tall, dark and creepy.

#251
I'm still in my prime!

#252
Oh, oh my stars!

#253
[gasps] Is that Lucifer?

#254
Move it!

#255
Pleased to meetcha, Your Highness.

#256
Alastor, you gotta warn a girl when she's in mixed company.

#257
Charmed, I'm sure.

#258
As much as I'd love to catch up, Charlie and I have a tour to continue.

#259
I'm sure Charlie can handle showing me around.

#260
[Alastor] Nonsense!

#261
We started the hotel together, and we'll show it off together.

#262
Right, Charlie?

#263
Oh, right.

#264
Why don't you let the others help you settle in,

#265
and I'll be back before you know it.

#266
So, where can a girl get a drink around here?

#267
[grunts]

#268
My, my, is that Husker?

#269
Alastor still has you slinging hooch for him, I see.

#270
[chuckles] Classic!

#271
How ya been, fur-ball?

#272
Good until five minutes ago.

#273
Oh, don't tell me you're not happy to see me.

#274
You might hurt my feelins. [giggles]

#275
Hey Niffty, whatcha' been up to, girlie?

#276
Fighting bugs.

#277
[scuttling] And uh, how's that going for you?

#278
They're winning.

#279
But not for long.

#280
Uh-huh... Thanks, pussy cat!

#281
[Husk] Oh, fuck you.

#282
So uh, you and Alastor are like what?

#283
Friends?

#284
Well, that's your word, not mine,

#285
but I think it fits.

#286
Why so surprised?

#287
Well, just didn't know he had any of those.

#288
He's been here a while and is still a big, creepy mystery.

#289
What's his deal?

#290
Well, you probably heard the stories.

#291
[Mimzy] He appeared in Hell suddenly,

#292
making a splash quicker than anyone had ever seen.

#293
At first, people wanted to dismiss him,

#294
but soon overlords started goin' missing,

#295
and not small ones neither. [evil laughing]

#296
We're talking heavy hitters.

#297
No one knew what happened to 'em

#298
until these strange radio broadcasts started going out.

#299
[ominous music] All you could hear was screams.

#300
Every time an overlord went missing,

#301
there'd be a new voice screaming in the broadcast.

#302
That's when Alastor revealed himself as the Radio Demon,

#303
and anyone that would mess with him... [laughs]

#304
Well, let's just say

#305
his broadcasts never lacked new voices.

#306
That's the story most people know,

#307
but underneath it all...

#308
He's a total sweetie.

#309
Put on some jazz and pour a couple fingers of rye,

#310
and he becomes a kitten!

#311
Stop with the looks.

#312
He hasn't done any of that in a while.

#313
Can I get another one of these?

#314
Oh, what the fuck!

#315
So, once we have the proof that redemption is possible,

#316
this whole hotel will be full of demons wanting to check out into Heaven.

#317
We just need a little more time to prove it.

#318
The sharing circles haven't been working as fast as I hoped,

#319
[Husk] Ey, Boss? Can I have a word.

#320
[Charlie] but I'm thinking that with a little bit more rethinking

#321
we can really get it going.

#322
What is it?

#323
You and I both know Mimzy only shows up when she needs somethin'.

#324
That bitch is trouble, and who knows what kinda demon

#325
she fucked with to come running to you this time?

#326
It's nothing I can't handle. Don't worry Husker.

#327
Who in their right mind would cross me?

#328
I mean... you've been gone a while and it's not like anybody knows why.

#329
They don't need to know.

#330
And don't you worry your fuzzy head about it.

#331
[growls] You may own my soul, but I ain't your fucking pet!

#332
Hmhm! But you are! Haha!

#333
Big talk for someone who's also on a leash.

#334
[Alastor] Aha, what did you say?

#335
[chain clanks] Oh, fuck! Nothing I, um--

#336
[chokes]

#337
[Alastor] If you ever say that again,

#338
[intense music] I will tear your soul apart

#339
and broadcast your screams

#340
for every other disrespectful wretch

#341
who dares to question me.

#342
-Understood. -Lovely.

#343
[chuckles] Good talk, my good man!

#344
Always nice to catch up.

#345
[Vaggie] And we've almost been able to find

#346
all of Angel's drug stashes...

#347
Almost.

#348
So once that's out of the way it should be much smoother sailing.

#349
Well, that certainly is, uh... is-is something.

#350
So... What do you think?

#351
-About what? -The hotel.

#352
Oh yes, it does... it does look much better now, doesn't it?

#353
[chuckles]

#354
Ya know, but I'm thinking this railing needs work,

#355
one good push and you'd just go right over the edge.

#356
Whoopie, bye-bye. [laugh]

#357
What? No, no, the plan, Dad!

#358
What do you think about using the hotel to help sinners?

#359
Ahh.

#360
Alright, I mean, look...

#361
I love that you want to see the best in people,

#362
but these sinners... You know, they're just the worst.

#363
I, I don't know how much you can realistically expect from them in Heaven.

#364
Hohooo boy, Heaven is not exactly as carefree as you might think.

#365
Yeah, they have rules.

#366
Lots of rules.

#367
And they aren't very open minded as you'd hope.

#368
These are our people Dad, I... I have to try.

#369
Our "people", Charlie, are awful!

#370
They got gifted free will and look what they did with it!

#371
Everything's terrible!

#372
[wheeze]

#373
I just don't want you to put yourself on the line for people like--

#374
[loud thud] Geez! What now?!

#375
[Lucifer] Well, like that!

#376
[Loan Shark] Mimzy, we know you're in there you lousy bitch!

#377
Oh, shit.

#378
-[Vaggie] Que carajo?! -[Charlie] What's going on?

#379
I maaaaaaay be in trouble with some loan shark's

#380
I may or may not have borrowed fifty grand from-- eep!

#381
[Loan Shark] You better come out.

#382
And I may have also stolen a car...

#383
and crashed it... into the loan shark's girlfriend.

#384
But that bitch had it coming!

#385
-[Vaggie screams] -[Niffty] My windows!

#386
[Sit Pentious] Ah! We're under seige! Ah! Take cover!

#387
[dramatic music] [Vaggie] Look out! What the fuck?!

#388
[panicked shouting]

#389
Ya see, this is exaaactly what I'm talking about Charlie.

#390
You build something nice,

#391
you invite people in and offer them everything

#392
and they just bring violence and chaos to your doorstep.

#393
It doesn't matter how well intentioned you are,

#394
they're always going to disappoint you.

#395
[Sir Pentious] Niffty, come along! [rubble crashes]

#396
[Vaggie] All of you, get a safe distance.

#397
I'll take care of this.

#398
[Alastor] No, my dear, leave it to me.

#399
It's time I remind everyone why I am here.

#400
[Mimzy] Oh, finally. Took ya long enough!

#401
[Alastor] A reminder to all,

#402
not to mess with the Radio Demon.

#403
[evil laugh]

#404
[Loan Shark screams]

#405
[Mimzy] Yeah!

#406
[intense music] I will devour each and every one of you!

#407
[Lucifer] Mhm, ya see? What I tell ya?

#408
Charlie, sinners are violent psychopaths,

#409
hell bent on causing as much pain and destruction as they can.

#410
There's really no point in trying.

#411
Dad, stop! He's defending this hotel.

#412
[Charlie] It may be a bit more sadistic than I'd hoped.

#413
But he's doing it for me!

#414
How come he can have faith in me, but my own father can't?

#415
[Angel] Ooh, drama.

#416
[Alastor] Oh, I missed getting to let off steam.

#417
Oh, Alastor! What a fantastic show.

#418
Bravo, as always.

#419
Thanks for helpin' lil' old me outta a tough spot, you're always such a pal.

#420
[crash]

#421
Oops.

#422
Heheheh, sorry about the mess,

#423
but I'm sure the lil' bug can take care of it for ya.

#424
I think you should go Mimzy. Now.

#425
Oh pff, Alastor, you're such a kidder you!

#426
Haha, you are so funny...

#427
I mean it.

#428
You deliberately brought danger to this place

#429
just to have me clean up your mess.

#430
I can't have that here.

#431
But you love takin' care a' me! What?

#432
You don't actually give a shit about this tacky place, do ya?

#433
Come on. I know you.

#434
You heartless son of a bitch.

#435
You are welcome if you actually want to give redemption a shot.

#436
But I think we both know that's not really your style.

#437
So you need to leave.

#438
[splutters] Fine! Who needs ya?

#439
Have fun with ya lil' princess and ya lil' hotel.

#440
See if I care.

#441
[Angel/Husk] [eating popcorn]

#442
[Angel] This is really getting good.

#443
[Charlie] Dad...just...help me.

#444
I...I can't.

#445
Why can't you?

#446
Charlie! [gasps]

#447
You don't understand,

#448
Heaven never listens.

#449
They didn't listen to me,

#450
they won't listen to you.

#451
You don't know that!

#452
I do!

#453
[soft ballad] ♪ You didn't know that when ♪

#454
♪ I tried this all before ♪

#455
♪ My dreams were too hard to defend ♪

#456
♪ And in the end ♪

#457
♪ I won't lose it all again ♪

#458
♪ Now you're the only thing worth fighting for ♪

#459
♪ More than anything ♪

#460
♪ I'll shelter and adore you more than anything ♪

#461
Dad, I don't need you to protect me from this

#462
I just don't want you to be crushed by them like...

#463
Like I was

#464
Dad

#465
♪ When I was young ♪

#466
♪ I didn't really know you at all ♪

#467
♪ I always felt so small ♪

#468
♪ But I heard your stories and I was enthralled ♪

#469
♪ The tales about your lofty dreams ♪

#470
♪ I listened breathlessly ♪

#471
♪ Imagining it could be me ♪

#472
♪ So in the end ♪

#473
♪ Its the view I had of you ♪

#474
♪ That show me dreams can be worth fighting for ♪

#475
♪ More than anything ♪

#476
♪ I need to save my people ♪

#477
♪ More than anything ♪

#478
♪ I've been dying to find out who you are ♪

#479
♪ I've been waiting wanting the same thing ♪

#480
♪ Looks like the apple doesn't fall far ♪

#481
♪ Took you a while ♪

#482
♪ I've missed that smile ♪

#483
[Charlie and Lucifer together] ♪ All that I'm hopin' ♪

#484
♪ Now that my eyes are open ♪

#485
♪ Is that we can start again ♪

#486
♪ Not be pulled apart again ♪

#487
♪ Cause in the end ♪

#488
♪ You are part of who I am ♪

#489
[Lucifer] ♪ I'll support your dream, whatever lies in store ♪

#490
[Charlie] ♪ And who could ask for more? ♪

#491
♪ More than anything ♪

#492
-♪ I'm grateful you're my father ♪ -♪ I'm grateful you're my daughter ♪

#493
♪ More than anything ♪

#494
[song ends]

#495
[Sir Pentious] Aww, that was sweet.

#496
Okay, I can get you the meeting, but once you're in Heaven,

#497
I won't be able to go with you.

#498
Will you be okay?

#499
[Charlie] I'll be fine.

#500
That's my girl. [sighs]

#501
Good luck kiddo.

#502
This next part is going to be scary.

#503
-You ready? -I'm ready.

#504
'Cause you'll be with me.

#505
In spirit, right?

#506
In Heaven.

#507
Yay!

#508
[end credit music]

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