Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S16E04 — Frank vs Russia

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 16, Episode 4 — Frank vs Russia

#1
♪ In the burning heart ♪

#2
♪ Just about to burst, there's a quest...♪

#3
Frank!

#4
Frank, come on, man! We got to go!

#5
- We got to go! - Oh, what?

#6
Come on, man, we're gonna miss it.

#7
- Wake up, wake up. Come on. - Wh-What?

#8
- Right away! - Okay.

#9
Guys, make way. Make way, please.

#10
- Hey, wait, no, no, please. - Cutting it pretty close there, pal.

#11
Ah, I feel like I got to take a shit.

#12
No, no, no, no, no. There's no time for that.

#14
- I'm not ready for this. - Listen, listen.

#15
- You got it, you got it, you got it. - Listen to me.

#16
- Back off, back off. - Frank, you are ready.

#17
Everything you need is already inside you.

#18
Move. No, out of the way.

#19
Dennis, please.

#20
- Just... Dennis, please, please. - God, no.

#21
- Pretty please, just help me. - No! No, Mac.

#22
I'm not helping you, okay?

#23
Stop talking to me about Johnny.

#24
Well, hey, I could help you with your guy troubles.

#25
No, thanks, Dee. You suck with men.

#26
Tell that to the guy leaving my apartment this morning.

#27
That's right. Your girl got her guts pumped last night.

#28
Oh, my God, that is disgusting.

#29
- Your guts pumped? - Aren't you, like, 60?

#30
- You're not a girl. - Yeah, come on, Dee. This is insane.

#31
- I mean... really. - Who talks like that?

#32
And, by the way, anybody can get a guy to bang them once.

#33
Okay, well, I guarantee you

#34
he'll be coming back for seconds.

#35
In fact, he pulled an old move of mine.

#36
He took my phone "by mistake"

#37
so that he could see me again.

#38
Oh, okay. Yeah.

#40
- Dennis, can you help me get my phone-- - No.

#41
- Dennis, Dennis, I need your help really quick, man. - No!

#42
Do you remember when we stole a restaurant buzzer the other day?

#43
I can't find it anywhere.

#44
It's a matter of national security here, man.

#45
Oh, yes, no, no, I'm sure, yeah.

#46
You know what? Maybe it's in the back office. Let me check

#47
the back office. Frank, let me check the back office.

#48
Hey, uh, Frank, could you help me with something?

#49
- Yeah. - Are you kidding?

#50
You want Frank's help with your guy troubles?

#51
He's insanely homophobic.

#52
Huh? Not anymore.

#53
No, once Mac did the dance,

#54
then I get it. I get the gay thing.

#55
He gets it. He's an ally now.

#56
Okay, so, Frank, I need some relationship advice.

#57
- Yeah. - I'm having some issues

#58
- with this guy that I'm dating. - Yeah.

#59
- I want to take it to the next level, you know, - Right.

#60
by actually meeting this guy.

#61
What, you've never met the guy?

#62
No, never met him,

#63
never spoken with him, never seen him,

#64
but it's not weird

#65
because we're in constant communication

#66
through the beads.

#67
The beads?

#68
Oh, yes. The extra-large anal beads

#69
that I shoved up my butt,

#70
and Johnny can control them

#71
via an app on his phone.

#72
And when I feel the buzz,

#73
I know it's time to go to the motel

#74
and wait. It's very romantic.

#75
Uh, yes, he's never actually showed up before,

#76
but one day he will, and it's going to be hot.

#77
That's it. I'm out.

#78
I'm out. That's it. I don't get it. I am never gonna get it.

#79
- Beads? You never said anything about beads. - Let me-let me explain it again.

#80
- What beads? - It's beads that go into my ass.

#81
The dance never said anything about no beads.

#82
Frank, I found it. I found it. I found it.

#83
Let's get the hell out of here.

#84
We got it, guys, we're good.

#86
Dennis, can you please help me get my phone back?

#87
'Cause I need my phone.

#88
No, Dennis, help me, though. Help me because

#89
- I need help-- - No, you are beyond help, okay?

#90
You let a stranger hack your butthole. Dennis--

#91
Enough! Enough.

#92
It is clear that I'm not going to get a moment's peace until

#93
I foist you two off on someone else,

#94
so, fine, I will help you.

#95
- Okay. Okay. - Oh, yeah! All right, all right,

#96
let's go.

#97
This is all I could find.

#98
Yeah, no, this is good. Um...

#99
Okay, are there, like, a pair of, like, weird spy glasses

#100
- in here or anything?

#101
- Aw, shit. - They dropped all those charges weeks ago. Wh--

#102
Call you back.

#103
Hey, what are you guys doing with all my research equipment?

#104
Charlie and Frank are gonna play spies.

#105
Yeah, well, we're not playing spies,

#106
we're playing chess, okay?

#107
There's a Russian grandmaster coming to town.

#108
I'm entering Frank in the tournament,

#109
and then he's gonna rise through the ranks,

#110
and he's gonna beat this guy's ass, USA style.

#111
So, I need the glasses, Uncle Jack,

#112
because Frank's got to be able to transmit me the board

#113
while I play along on a computer

#114
and I signal him the moves with the restaurant buzzer.

#115
No, stop, stop, stop. Uh, you're gonna break it.

#116
This is, uh, very sensitive equipment.

#117
Right, yeah, okay.

#118
Look, do you have the spy glasses or not, dude?

#119
Fine. I'll let you borrow them, but I'm coming with.

#120
Okay? I don't want you breaking any of this.

#121
- A play date.

#122
- Goddamn it. - Oh, yeah.

#123
- Like we used to. - We never did.

#124
- Ah... You don't remember. - Man, we never did.

#125
I mean, what is taking Uncle Jack so long?

#126
- Well, why don't we just go in?

#127
Hang on.

#128
- What the... - Is that-is that him?

#129
Holy shit.

#130
Uh, Uncle Jack,

#131
what-what is this?

#132
- My ice cream truck.

#133
You know, I-I have, like, a side business.

#134
Ugh. All right, fine. You know what? Actually, this could work.

#135
- You got the spy glasses? - Yeah. Here they are. - Glasses.

#136
- Here's how this goes. Frank, you got the buzzer? - Yeah, I got the buzzer.

#137
- All right, so Frank's got a buzzer in his pocket, okay? - I'm gonna put it in my pocket.

#138
So, he'll hover his hand over the piece, you know,

#139
one buzz for yes, two buzzes for no,

#140
three if you need him to switch to a different piece, okay?

#141
Same goes for where to put it down. Got it?

#142
- Okay. Yup. - You clear?

#143
- Give me a Push Pop, will you? - And get him a Push Pop.

#144
What? Oh, no, I-I don't have any ice cream.

#145
- Oh. - Oh, my God. All right, fine.

#146
Just... just...

#148
Hey, I'll be watching you.

#149
Hm...

#150
Should I go here?

#151
- Mm. Or should I go...

#152
- here?

#153
Charlie, don't look at the kid,

#154
look at the board. Actually,

#155
one quick look at the kid again, so I can get a screen grab.

#156
- Gross, no, man, no. - No? No?

#157
I-- No, not you. Sorry.

#158
Talking to the voices in my head, so...

#160
Don't mind my friend. He's schizophrenic.

#161
- I am, yeah.

#163
Boom.

#164
I took your little castle-y thing.

#166
boy!

#167
If he does, let me get another screen grab.

#168
Shut up, dude. That's gross, man.

#170
Uh, sir, may I have a word with you?

#171
Um, absolutely not, because I'm in the middle of watching

#172
a game of chess.

#173
Uh, there is no alcohol allowed on the premises.

#174
What? Wh-What do you mean?

#175
Like, I got to drink wine or something?

#176
No alcohol at all.

#177
At a sporting event? That's crazy.

#178
Fine, dude. Here you go.

#179
Frank, I'm gonna have to find some way to sneak beer in here.

#180
Excuse me?

#181
Dude, are you still here? Go away.

#182
I gave you the beer, man.

#183
Now, as you're both aware, I have a foolproof system

#184
for attracting a woman.

#185
But I also have a foolproof system

#186
for attracting a man.

#188
- Why? - How come? - Shh, shh.

#189
Shh. Shh.

#190
Okay. Now, it begins

#191
with me setting you both up with nice, normal dates.

#192
You will begin by greeting them

#193
with the traditional pleasantries.

#194
Very nice to meet you, Patrick.

#195
Kyle, it's a pleasure.

#196
Pleasure's all mine.

#197
I'll be nearby, of course,

#198
to make sure nothing goes awry.

#199
Step one.

#200
S-- suppress your instincts.

#201
See, your first instinct

#202
is going to be to try to make yourself

#203
seem awesome to him, but that's wrong.

#204
'Cause this isn't about you.

#205
This is a man we're talking about.

#206
It's always about him.

#207
Okay?

#208
So, you're going to...

#209
I-- inflate his ego.

#210
Make him feel like he's awesome, he's funny,

#211
he's the most interesting person in the room.

#212
You're the most interesting person in this room.

#213
Uhp, uhp, uhp. Hi.

#214
Hello.

#215
I just wanted to come over and introduce myself.

#216
I'm-I'm the manager

#217
- of the establishment. - Yes, I was just saying

#218
that he's the most interesting man in the room.

#219
Yeah. You know, it's-- I-I caught that, actually,

#220
and I wanted to say to you

#221
that, uh, Mac does,

#222
in fact, know everyone here,

#223
which he would, of course,

#224
have to in order to have said something like that.

#225
So, it's meaningful.

#226
Now, once your man's feeling important,

#227
you're gonna show him that you...

#228
N-- need his power.

#229
Mm.

#230
See, every man's greatest fear

#231
is that he's a... pussy.

#233
Oh, boy.

#234
Oh... man. I just can't seem to get this open.

#235
Do you think you could help me out?

#236
Sure.

#237
Oh, this is really on tight.

#238
- Uh, are you-are you being serious?

#239
Oh, Christ, Bozo, give it back to me. I'll do it.

#240
Wai-- No, no. Uh, no. Yeah, it's-- You can't.

#241
You can't. You couldn't.

#242
No one could, because these bottles...

#243
are all, uh...

#244
they're defective and un-openable.

#245
Yeah, there's been a recall, actually. See?

#246
It's-it's impossible. Nobody could...

#247
...get these open today.

#248
- Mm. - You know what? You do look very, very strong.

#249
You mind giving this one more shot for me?

#250
Let's see if you can get it.

#252
- Wow. - Wow.

#253
Now that your man's feeling powerful,

#254
on top of the world, you must...

#255
rip it away from him.

#256
You're going to N-- negate his power.

#257
Yeah, but this needs to be subtle.

#258
A man's ego is... fragile.

#259
The goal here is to make him feel that he may be a...

#260
tad bit inadequate,

#261
in comparison, maybe, to a former lover.

#262
- Yes? - Oh.

#263
But don't lay it on too thick.

#264
- Mm. Mm-hmm. - Subtle.

#265
I used to fuck LeBron James.

#266
Oh, God.

#267
Now, even if things have gone

#268
a little off the rails at this point,

#269
we can get things back on track

#270
with a classic.

#271
E-- engage physically.

#272
- Hey-o.

#273
But you got to make sure that your physical engagement

#274
is appropriate to the environment, okay?

#275
Your demeanor wants to remain elegant and classy.

#276
- Right. - Mm. Got it.

#277
What are you doing?

#278
I'm grabbing your ding-dong.

#279
No!

#280
No, yeah. That's, uh...

#281
And now for the final step,

#282
the most profound move of the entire system.

#283
D.

#284
"Do you want a tissue?"

#285
- Huh? - Huh?

#286
You see, with this one simple but profound question,

#287
you instantly transport this man back to a time

#288
when he was a tiny, snot-nosed little bitch

#289
who depended on the most important person in his life

#290
for absolutely everything.

#291
The person who inflated his ego,

#292
who made him feel powerful,

#293
but also powerless.

#294
The person whose validation

#295
he's been seeking his entire life.

#296
Guys,

#297
the way to make a man

#298
fall in love with you

#299
is to make him feel

#300
like you are...

#301
his mommy.

#302
Well, it's getting late.

#303
Yeah.

#304
Yeah, we should probably call it.

#305
I have, uh, one thing that I'd like to ask you.

#306
Um... do you need a tissue?

#307
Do you need a tissue?

#308
- What? - What?

#309
- You need a tissue. - You need a tissue.

#310
Oh. Oh, really? Ah...

#311
Ah, just... That's-that's embarrassing.

#312
- Hang on, all right, stop it.

#313
There we go. Come here.

#314
There we go. Now

#315
my little man is all ready for his day.

#316
Before, they wanted

#317
nothing more than this date to be over.

#318
But now they can't help but ask...

#319
Hey, um, any chance...

#320
Would you want to...

#321
...do this again...

#322
...sometime?

#323
Mm.

#324
It worked.

#325
And there you have it.

#326
That, my friends, is...

#327
the SINNED system.

#328
- Oh! - Whoa!

#329
- Oh, ho! - Amazing.

#330
- Crazy creepy, though, - Oh, yeah, very creepy.

#331
with all the mom stuff, and...

#332
the name's a little heavy-handed.

#333
Yeah, took a-took a lot to get there.

#334
It's not as clean as the DENNIS system.

#335
Well, but listen, the DENNIS system--

#336
that's a system for getting a woman.

#337
This is a system for getting a man,

#338
and that's why SINNED is actually...

#339
- DENNIS backwards.

#340
Oh, my God!

#341
- That's amazing. - How-how did that line up like that?

#342
Yeah, like, what are the odds, though?

#344
What are the odds that the steps to the system

#345
would be DENNIS backwards

#346
and that they would spell out the word "sinned?"

#347
High! High. 'Cause I made it up.

#348
- Oh! Yeah, he did it on purpose. - Oh, my... He made it up.

#349
- Hey-o! - Hey-o!

#350
Hey, hey, hey!

#351
What's up, guy--

#352
You know what, I got to say,

#353
I am, I'm still, like, buzzing from last night.

#355
Yeah, but we pulled it off.

#356
- We sure did! - We really did.

#357
- We really did. - Success.

#358
All right, so talk to me, when are those

#359
- second dates? - Ooh, yeah, no, that's not happening.

#360
What do you mean, that's not happening?

#361
Well, I got home last night, and, I, uh, found myself

#362
real horny, so I popped a couple of Mommy's magic beans

#363
and headed over to Kyle's house.

#364
Roofies. I roofied myself. Yeah,

#365
not 100% sure if we plowed or not,

#366
but I do know I got this.

#367
You stole his phone.

#368
- Yeah, well, I'll be honest, - Aw...

#369
the details are a bit hazy, still,

#370
but I do know I stole somebody's phone.

#371
- And you? - Oh, I'm not doing it either.

#372
- Yeah! - Okay, but I have a good reason, Dennis.

#373
I have a really good reason, 'cause I'm not a-a rapist

#374
and a thief like Dee is. I'm-I'm just a boy in love.

#375
I'm just a boy in love with Johnny,

#376
and I realized that I-I have to be with him.

#377
Well, no, see, that's-that's the thing--

#378
Johnny doesn't love you. He doesn't even like you.

#379
- You don't know him. - No, no, no.

#380
You don't know him.

#381
I know him better than you.

#382
Do you? Because I am him.

#383
What?

#384
I invented Johnny as a means

#385
of getting you out of the apartment

#386
when you were irritating me.

#387
I don't understand.

#388
Okay, like, when "Johnny" sent you out

#389
to go get those soft-shell crabs,

#390
- you remember that? - Yeah.

#391
Yeah. And he was supposed to meet you,

#392
- but he didn't. He ghosted you, right? - No.

#393
And so, you came sauntering back in the house and all depressed,

#394
and I was like, "Well, I tell you what, buddy,

#395
I'll eat the soft-shell crabs. They are my favorite."

#396
And I said, "Oh, my God, what a coincidence

#397
because they're-they're Johnny's favorite, too."

#398
- Yeah, because I am Johnny. - Then who's Dennis?

#399
- What do you mean? - Well, if you're Johnny, then who-- who's you?

#400
I'm Dennis! I've always been Dennis.

#401
L-L-Let me-- This is gonna make it all clear. This is my phone,

#402
- Don't want to get into this-- - and when I push a certain button...

#403
- Wait, hold on. H-Hold on a second.

#404
- What, what? - Johnny's buzzing me. I got-- Look.

#405
- No, I pushed the button. - I haven't heard from him in a while,

#406
and I'm going to the motel. I got to meet him.

#407
- I'm sorry. - Mac, it's not Johnny. I pushed the button on my phone--

#408
I can't engage with you on this right now.

#409
I got to-I got to go see Johnny.

#410
Dennis! Dennis. I need your help, man.

#411
- I need your help, big-time. - No, no!

#412
I am done helping people.

#413
Dude, we're so close, man. We're in the finals.

#415
I'm gonna be able to sneak a restaurant buzzer in now.

#416
Okay, you know what? You're not gonna stop talking.

#417
- So, I-I'm just... - Yes-- No, I'm not, because,

#418
- Dennis, I need your help. Look, I've - I don't care.

#419
been controlling Frank using the restaurant buzzer, okay?

#420
- Wait a-wait a-- whoa, what... - And it's the perfect plan.

#421
Hold on a second.

#422
Sorry, did you just say you've been...

#423
controlling Frank like a pawn in a game?

#424
Like a puppet?

#425
Uh, I didn't say any of those words, but yeah.

#426
I've been-I've been controlling Frank, uh, in chess, yes.

#427
Very interesting.

#428
And Frank's been aware of the puppetry the entire time?

#429
Yeah, of course. He's in on it. But dude, it's over, right?

#430
Unless you know a way I can sneak

#431
something into this tournament that vibrates.

#432
I think I may have a way, but, uh...

#433
Frank's not gonna like it.

#435
Got any more of those magic beans?

#436
Yeah.

#437
'Cause we're gonna need

#438
to turn the lights out.

#441
- We're late! - Okay. What?

#442
- We're gonna miss it, dude.

#443
- Move. No, out of the way.

#444
Jesus, Frank. Cutting it pretty close there, pal.

#445
Ah, feel like I got to take a shit.

#446
What? You got to sh-- Don't shit, don't shit.

#448
No, listen to me, listen to me. You are ready.

#449
Everything you need is already inside you.

#450
Move. No, out of the way.

#451
The excitement here is palpable.

#452
At last, the moment we've all been waiting for,

#453
Mr. Reynolds is about to make his first move.

#455
You got this, man!

#456
I don't know what I'm doing.

#457
Frank, trust your gut.

#458
- Ooh.

#459
Oh.

#460
He seems a little uncomfortable, Susan.

#461
Just think about the incredible amount

#462
of pressure he's feeling right now.

#463
- Oh...

#464
- Ho, ho.

#465
Ho, ho!

#469
a range of emotions

#470
while contemplating his first move.

#471
You don't have to do this.

#472
You don't have to do it.

#473
S-Should I go here?

#474
- Oh...

#475
Uh... There?

#476
Oh!

#477
Take your time, take your time.

#478
Take your time. Take your time.

#479
You don't have to do this!

#480
Should I go there? Aah!

#481
Hey, Dennis.

#482
Oh, man, I had the craziest night last night,

#483
'cause I think I, like, blacked out, and then,

#484
when I woke up, I think that Johnny broke up with me,

#485
- 'cause he was gone. - Mac, I can't do this right now.

#486
- Here?

#487
Here?

#488
Don't lose your shit, man. Don't lose your shit.

#489
A language warning for anybody watching at home.

#490
Ho! Aah, aah, aah! Oh!

#491
- Nice.

#492
I am Johnny! I don't know how else to tell you!

#493
Look, I have the texts. I will show you the texts.

#494
Look, these are the texts that I sent to you from my phone.

#495
Oh, my God. You have Johnny's phone.

#496
- This is my... - Give it to me.

#497
- Give me Johnny's phone. - Goddamn it! - Whoa, whoa.

#498
You motherfucker!

#499
Oh, God.

#500
It won't... it won't go down.

#501
What have you done?

#502
Take my king. Take my king.

#503
Take him.

#504
Take it. Take it.

#505
Oh...

#506
Kd2! Kd2!

#507
That is checkmate. What a brilliant endgame by Reynolds.

#508
- He won? - He won!

#509
- Frank won?

#510
♪ There's a quest for answers, an unquenchable...♪

#511
Get it out! Get it out!

#513
- Frank, you did it! You beat the Russian! - Take it out. Take it out.

#514
- You beat the Russian! - Stop it, stop.

#515
Stop this, Charl-- It's gonna split me in half, Charlie.

#516
- He won! He won!

#517
- USA! USA! - Kill the Wi-Fi! Kill the Wi-Fi!

#518
- USA! USA! - Kill it. Kill the Wi-Fi!

#519
- Kill the Wi-Fi!

#520
- Ooh. Ooh.

#521
♪ In the warrior's code ♪

#522
♪ There's no surrender ♪

#523
♪ Though his body says stop ♪

#524
♪ His spirit cries, "Never!" ♪

#525
♪ Deep in our soul, a quiet ember ♪

#526
♪ Knows it's you against you ♪

#527
♪ It's the paradox ♪

#528
♪ That drives us on ♪

#529
♪ It's a battle of wills ♪

#530
♪ In the heat of attack ♪

#531
♪ It's the passion that kills ♪

#532
♪ The victory is yours alone. ♪

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