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Season 1, Episode 2 — Spanish 101

#1
MAN [ON PA]:

#2
Good afternoon, Greendale.

#3
I am your dean

#4
with a few corrections

#6
Cosmology should be

#7
Cosmetology.

#8
Astrology should be

#9
Astronomy.

#10
The students on the cover

#11
should be smiling,

#12
but that's a matter

#13
of opinion.

#14
Whoever is growing

#15
a small patch of cannabis

#16
behind the gymnasium,

#17
congratulations,

#18
you have won a cruise.

#19
Report to security

#20
to claim your tickets.

#22
of homelessness,

#23
security has been given

#24
binoculars.

#25
In campus news,

#27
PA system continues,

#29
its volume be lowered,

#30
while others question

#31
its very purpose.

#32
More on that story

#33
as it unfolds.

#34
That dude makes a lot

#35
of announcements.

#36
I like it.

#37
It makes every 10 minutes

#38
feel like a new scene

#39
of a TV show.

#40
The illusion lasts until

#41
someone says something

#42
they never say on TV,

#44
There, it's gone.

#45
Jeff's running late again.

#46
What a shame.

#47
We should get started--

#48
No, I think we should wait

#49
for Jeff before we start.

#50
But when Jeff gets here,

#51
we could talk to him,

#52
as a group,

#53
about his tardiness.

#56
If you want me to have

#58
We've got a bond going,

#60
Hope your mom didn't make you

#61
take baths together.

#62
One of you

#63
would have been like 30.

#68
Sorry, Abed.

#69
Hey, will you guys have

#70
some self-respect?

#71
You are

#72
obsessing over someone

#73
who does not give you

#74
a second thought.

#75
In Guatemala,

#77
by their own government.

#78
What's happening

#79
in Guatemala?

#80
Nothing.

#81
Journalists

#82
are being murdered?

#83
Every day in that country,

#84
people are being killed

#85
for speaking out.

#86
The worst part of it is,

#87
when it's all over...

#92
Real stories,

#93
they don't have spoilers.

#94
You understand that TV

#96
Hey.

#97
[ALL CHEERING]

#99
My lord.

#101
Hi, sweetie.

#102
You smell nice. Vitamin P.

#104
jazzed to see me too.

#106
Word them everywhere.

#108
It was for you.

#110
Hey, Jeff.

#111
Think there's something

#112
that the group

#113
would like

#114
to talk to you about.

#121
ABED: No.

#123
TROY: No.

#124
You guys usually spend

#125
the first 20 minutes

#126
talking about

#127
your interesting lives

#128
and your cool emotional

#129
problems.

#130
I feel like I never have

#131
anything to offer.

#133
JEFF: No. Truth is,

#134
my life is emptier

#138
Wow. Double-spaced.

#139
Thank you.

#140
So, what's a guy gotta do

#141
to get a C around here?

#142
[GROUP LAUGHS]

#144
PLAYING]

#145
♪ Give me some more

#146
Time in a dream ♪

#147
♪ Give me the hope

#148
To run out of steam ♪

#149
♪ Somebody said

#150
It can be here ♪

#151
♪ We could be roped up

#152
Tied up dead in a year ♪

#153
♪ I can't count the reasons

#154
I should stay ♪

#155
♪ One by one they all

#156
Just fade away ♪

#157
BRITTA:

#158
Good study.

#159
ABED:

#160
Thanks for good study.

#161
See you later.

#166
Not specifically.

#167
But if you think of grandsons

#168
as metaphors for friendship,

#169
I think you'll agree with

#170
this Transformer here

#171
that it's time for ours

#172
to become a man

#173
by reading from the Torah.

#174
You're harmless enough

#175
to me.

#178
But those are good people

#179
in there,

#182
bums me out.

#183
Exploit them?

#184
They're my friends.

#185
Can I bring your car around?

#186
No, Abed, I don't want you

#187
bring my car around.

#188
I'll bring yours around,

#189
good guy.

#190
You get going, all right?

#193
of near-delusion.

#196
I have less to prove.

#197
Jeff, you can't pursue

#198
people so desperately.

#199
It starts to

#200
creep them out.

#201
Why don't we get a beer?

#202
I'll give you advice,

#203
and we can have what the kids

#204
are calling a sausage fest.

#206
Pierce. Maybe next time.

#207
Next time then.

#208
Hey.

#210
about Guatemala?

#211
I wanna be political.

#213
that stuff on your own.

#214
We need your help. We've been

#215
living on the wrong side.

#216
You're like Jodie Foster

#217
or Susan Sarandon.

#218
You'd rather keep it real

#219
than be likeable.

#221
what to Google?

#222
You could start with the

#227
Can we have a protest?

#229
A candlelight vigil,

#230
like lesbians on the news.

#232
[BOTH GIGGLE]

#233
Brownies?

#234
Every once in a while,

#235
a student will ask:

#236
"Señor Chang,

#237
why do you teach Spanish?"

#238
[CHUCKLES]

#241
Why you.

#242
Why not math?

#243
[STUDENT CLEARS THROAT]

#244
Why not photography?

#245
Why not martial arts?

#246
I mean, surely it must be

#248
in something that's

#249
ancient and secret

#250
like, building a wall that

#252
Well, I'll tell you why

#253
I teach Spanish.

#255
okay?

#256
Now, I don't wanna have

#259
mysterious,

#260
inscrutable man I am.

#261
[LAUGHING

#262
IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]

#263
[IN NORMAL VOICE]

#264
I am a Spanish genius!

#265
In español my nickname

#266
is El Tigre Chino.

#267
[SQUAWKING AND GRUNTING]

#268
Because my knowledge

#269
will bite her face off.

#271
or you'll get bit.

#272
Yeah, bit. Yeah, bit.

#273
Okay, Friday mañana,

#277
You'll be partnering up

#278
in pairs of dos.

#279
Heh.

#280
So if you look

#281
under your desk,

#284
Por ejemplo, Blondie, aqui,

#285
has a card with a picture

#286
of a house on it.

#288
with the card

#289
with the word "casa" on it

#290
is her partner.

#294
And what do we say

#295
at the end of every class?

#296
[ALL SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

#297
Come on, hands.

#298
Ninety percent of Spanish.

#299
[ALL SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

#300
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

#302
Abed, Abed, Abed.

#304
No.

#306
No.

#308
No.

#309
Don't want money.

#310
Want your shirt.

#311
What?

#312
I've had my eye on it

#313
since registration.

#315
I don't think you understand.

#316
I wanna wear it out of here.

#318
Gracias.

#319
What are the odds?

#320
Are you sure you didn't

#321
adjust the odds?

#326
I gave Abed my shirt

#327
because I'm not selfish.

#333
That's something we should

#334
discuss with our partners.

#335
Oh, see, I did switch cards.

#336
[♪♪♪]

#337
Can you believe this?

#338
What are the odds?

#339
That's a nice shirt.

#340
Wanna sell it?

#341
Yes.

#345
Oh, believe me,

#347
No, it's a hard,

#348
dry, large business.

#350
It didn't help any that

#351
I can't have children.

#352
I'm not sterile.

#354
called hyper-virility.

#356
like bullets. Heh.

#358
I can't.

#359
But you can,

#360
so that's fine.

#361
So the assignment is to write

#362
a Spanish conversation

#364
Ooh.

#365
Hemingway's lemonade.

#366
Don't need to make this

#367
a long evening.

#368
What am I,

#369
a piece of garbage to you?

#370
What? No.

#371
[CHUCKLES]

#373
let's have one drink

#374
before we work.

#375
Mm, mm, mm.

#377
To the irony

#378
of that sentence.

#383
I think it's Britta.

#388
Okay.

#389
Why don't we start

#390
with me saying, donde--

#392
Our assignment.

#393
Oh, no, no, no.

#394
This is the first time

#395
people are gonna see

#399
Come on, let's brainstorm

#400
some story ideas.

#402
let's ask ourselves...

#404
Oh, my God in heaven.

#405
CROWD [CHANTING]:

#406
Guatemala, we hate

#407
Guatemala, we hate

#408
If you like that brownie,

#409
you're gonna hate

#411
Google it.

#413
Hi.

#415
Okay, once it gets dark,

#416
I hand out the candles,

#417
and we do what's called

#418
a speechless protest.

#420
and gather hand in hand

#421
in a sea

#422
of outraged silence.

#423
[RAP MUSIC PLAYING

#424
OVER SPEAKERS]

#425
Star-Burns, no, no.

#426
[MUSIC STOPS]

#428
This is not how you do this.

#431
But this is tacky and lame.

#432
I didn't mean that.

#434
What I meant to say

#435
was that this cause

#436
is really personal to me.

#437
Are you saying that

#439
Britta,

#440
you sound like Guatemala.

#446
No, I do things. I--

#447
I went to--

#448
I don't do anything.

#449
[♪♪♪]

#450
What can I do?

#451
You can hang

#452
the Chacata-Panecos piñata.

#453
You guys realize

#454
he was beaten to death?

#457
Poignant.

#458
PIERCE:

#459
All right.

#460
[SIGHS]

#461
Okay, tell me

#462
what I've got so far.

#463
What we have so far?

#464
Well, we have something

#465
incredibly long

#466
and very confusing,

#467
and a little homophobic.

#468
And really, really,

#469
specifically, surprisingly

#470
and gratuitously critical

#471
of Israel.

#473
Should probably be dos.

#474
I mean, it is Spanish class.

#475
Oh, which reminds me.

#476
The only thing not included

#477
in this epic

#478
are the five phrases required

#479
to get me a passing grade.

#480
You're right.

#481
Needs more work.

#483
I have no idea.

#485
What, hippies?

#490
Good chance to put miles

#491
on this shirt.

#493
are due in the morning?

#496
[BOTH SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

#497
Pfft. Hacks.

#500
I'll tell you

#501
what we're going to do.

#502
We are gonna take this

#503
and we're gonna put it

#504
in a museum for crazy people.

#505
Then we're gonna take this

#506
and memorize five phrases

#508
Good night.

#510
on our first sausage fest?

#512
of friendship?

#513
No, this is my definition

#514
of you trying way too hard

#515
and me finding it harder

#516
and harder to stay polite.

#517
This was a fine way to spend

#518
an evening devoid of hope,

#519
but the woman I kind of like

#520
is out in the moonlight

#521
caring about something

#522
stupid.

#523
This is my chance to show her

#524
that I care enough to act

#525
like I care about it too.

#527
That was it? Oh.

#528
Would've been great if I had

#529
done that two hours ago.

#530
[♪♪♪]

#532
Thanks.

#533
I like what you've done

#534
with the place.

#536
on you. I'm not perfect.

#537
I am. I'd be happy

#538
to show you the ropes.

#539
PIERCE:

#540
Awesome.

#541
Look at awesome

#542
Jeffrey Winger.

#543
Too awesome for old Pierce

#544
with your hip shirts

#545
and your gelled hair

#546
and your cool tape

#547
over your mouth.

#548
Why is everybody wearing

#549
tape over their mouth?

#550
It's a protest, Pierce.

#551
Oh, good.

#554
Conflicts like these

#555
will bring us together

#556
as an unlikely family.

#560
Then you tell me

#561
I'm trying too hard

#562
to be your friend

#563
so you have to go.

#564
You had to come out here

#565
to pretend to care

#566
about the stupid stuff

#567
she cares about.

#569
He is paraphrasing.

#571
go get a cup of coffee

#574
I'll show you

#575
some sperm, buddy.

#576
Is this your idea?

#577
What the hell? I'm on fire!

#578
No, I'm not ready to die.

#579
[PIERCE SCREAMING]

#580
Oh, he's-- He's--

#584
WOMAN: Please call 911.

#589
"The incident occurred

#590
during a protest"

#591
"regarding events

#592
in Guatemala." Awareness!

#595
It's more than

#596
I ever accomplished.

#597
Did you know about the

#598
ethnic cleansing in Burma?

#601
[BOTH SQUEAL THEN GIGGLE]

#603
Morning.

#607
Nice try.

#609
It says I'm sorry about

#610
crashing your protest

#611
with that drunken,

#612
self-immolating baby boomer.

#616
girls have two pee holes.

#620
You know what he did

#621
that's really crazy?

#627
closer to Jeff

#629
in the group.

#631
looking out for himself,

#634
[PIERCE & CHANG

#635
SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

#637
ALL: Hola.

#640
First up was supposed

#641
to be Jeff and Pierce,

#642
but Pierce explained

#643
the situation to me.

#646
[WHISPERING]

#647
Wow.

#649
Jeff, having heard

#653
and let Pierce do

#654
his presentation alone.

#657
to me at all.

#658
I understand if you don't

#659
wanna be my friend.

#660
But this thing that

#661
we've created,

#662
it is bigger than

#663
the both of us,

#664
and it deserves

#665
to be done right.

#666
[♪♪♪]

#667
All right.

#668
Okay, um, guys, why are

#669
there costumes involved?

#672
Your breath away?

#673
Well, tough.

#675
Si.

#676
[AIMEE MANN'S

#677
"WISE UP" PLAYING]

#678
♪ It's not ♪

#679
♪ What you thought ♪

#680
♪ When you first ♪

#681
Began it ♪

#682
♪ You got ♪

#683
♪ What you want ♪

#684
♪ Now you can hardly ♪

#685
♪ Stand it though

#686
By now you know ♪

#687
♪ It's not ♪

#688
♪ Going to stop ♪

#689
♪ It's not ♪

#690
♪ Going to stop ♪

#691
♪ It's not ♪

#692
♪ Going to stop ♪

#693
♪ Till you wise up ♪

#694
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

#695
F, F-minus.

#696
What?

#698
So...

#699
that was one of the worst

#700
things I have ever seen.

#703
So I'm impressed.

#707
at you?

#709
that no woman in that class

#710
will be able to look at you

#712
ever again.

#713
[MATT & KIM'S "DAYLIGHT"

#714
PLAYING]

#715
No, I know.

#716
I thought of that.

#717
She looked back.

#718
Aah!

#721
Thanks, Pierce.

#724
with your face

#728
you think you are.

#729
[PIERCE CONTINUES

#730
INDISTINCTLY]

#732
[RAPPING IN SPANISH]

#734
Yeah.

#736
Word.

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