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Season 1, Episode 3 — Introduction to Film

#1
[♪♪♪]

#2
Hey, man.

#3
My name is Jeff.

#4
I'm trying to lock down

#5
my schedule

#6
before the deadline.

#7
I heard this class

#8
was a cakewalk.

#9
Are you passing it?

#11
Yeah, he's awesome.

#12
[WHISPERS]

#13
So far so good.

#14
Death, so called,

#15
Is a thing

#16
That makes men weep,

#17
And yet a third of life

#18
Is spent in sleep.

#19
Open your text books

#20
to page 37.

#21
Now, close them

#22
and throw them away.

#23
Throw it away.

#24
Ha-ha-ha!

#25
Throw it away.

#26
For those who are new,

#27
the motto of this class,

#28
carpe diem, seize the day,

#29
no tests, no papers.

#30
You want an A?

#31
Live in the moment.

#32
Jackpot.

#33
Take off your shoes.

#34
Take off your shoes.

#35
Take your shoes off,

#36
throw them away.

#37
Throw them over there.

#38
Today we learn to walk.

#43
That mole is raised

#44
and dark,

#45
it's not a good combo.

#47
Yes, I'm new.

#51
Ha-ha-ha! I like it!

#53
[CELL PHONE BEEPS]

#56
Voice command.

#60
[BEEPS]

#61
[CLEARS THROAT]

#63
[BEEPS]

#64
Would you please use

#65
the buttons?

#66
Okay, grandpa.

#67
[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]

#68
Achoo!

#70
[BOTH GIGGLE]

#72
You guys, I found it.

#74
Professor Whitman,

#75
he thinks

#77
There's no tests,

#78
there's no work,

#79
it's just day seizing.

#80
The deadline to enroll

#81
is tomorrow.

#82
I suggest you all do it.

#83
Well, some of us are here

#84
to actually learn things.

#88
Abed?

#89
Not a fan. In every movie,

#93
No, are you going

#94
to take the class?

#103
So your dad has your whole

#104
life planned out for you?

#105
Are you even

#106
interested in falafel?

#110
Western propaganda

#113
He should see Aladdin,

#114
Jafar was a badass.

#116
TROY: He was.

#117
Abed, how much

#118
does a film class cost?

#121
Jeff?

#122
Britta.

#123
Isn't Abed's dad

#124
a hardcore Muslim?

#125
They're not as understanding

#126
as Christians.

#128
with a salami sword.

#132
Is that racist?

#133
Pierce will beat

#134
that in one minute.

#135
ABED:

#139
BOTH:

#140
Aw.

#141
You guys, are we going

#142
to study Spanish,

#143
or keep getting involved

#145
[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]

#146
Achoo!

#147
Hey, Troy sneezes

#148
like a girl.

#149
How about I pound you

#150
like a boy?

#155
She's not?

#157
Twenty-nine seconds.

#159
PLAYING]

#160
♪ Give me some more

#161
Time in a dream ♪

#162
♪ Give me the hope

#163
To run out of steam ♪

#164
♪ Somebody said

#165
It can be here ♪

#166
♪ We could be roped up

#167
Tied up dead in a year ♪

#168
♪ I can't count the reasons

#169
I should stay ♪

#170
♪ One by one they all

#171
Just fade away ♪

#172
[♪♪♪]

#173
What's your name?

#174
Shirley Bennett.

#176
Oh.

#177
...if you can tell me

#181
WHITMAN: Shirley?

#190
Because I wasted 15 years

#191
of my life

#192
on a man who left me

#194
and a foggy memory

#195
of two bland orgasms.

#196
And now it's time to get

#197
what's mine.

#198
Day seized.

#199
[ALL CLAPPING]

#201
Only when we stop stopping

#202
our lives

#203
can we begin

#204
to start starting them.

#205
Ms. Edison here,

#206
for example,

#207
would rather write about

#208
what happens to other people

#209
than live

#210
what is happening to her.

#211
I thought

#213
Well, here's

#214
a quiz for you.

#215
Why did the pretty

#216
young girl die alone,

#217
surrounded

#218
by sweater-wearing cats

#219
who were trained

#220
to use human toilets?

#221
Get up on your desk.

#222
Come on, stand on your desk.

#223
Up on your desk.

#224
She made it. Ha-ha!

#225
Everyone,

#226
stand on your desks.

#227
Up, up, up. Come on.

#228
Rise, rise,

#232
Well, why not?

#233
[ALL GASP]

#234
Oh, what happened? My--

#236
seize the day.

#240
about, uh,

#242
Oh!

#243
WHITMAN:

#244
Your homework. Ah.

#246
and tell 10 people

#247
that you love them.

#248
Mr. Winger,

#249
may I have a word, please?

#250
SHIRLEY:

#251
Are you okay?

#252
Oh. Oh, maybe,

#253
I'm not.

#254
Hi, Mr. Winger,

#256
that passes through

#257
this class is changed.

#258
But there's always

#259
one cocky opportunist

#260
who's just here to coast

#261
and grab an easy A.

#262
Oh, yeah.

#263
His name is Pierce,

#264
I can talk to him for you.

#265
It's actually you,

#266
Mr. Winger.

#267
You have no intention

#268
of seizing the day.

#272
I-- I love you.

#274
Not that I need the grade

#275
or even want it.

#282
for the semester.

#283
[♪♪♪]

#284
This is no way

#285
to teach accounting.

#286
JEFF:

#287
I have to plan in advance

#293
to drop or add.

#295
for you to cheat here.

#296
Ah! Hey, how's it going?

#303
That is so wonderful.

#304
Some people don't like

#305
getting involved

#306
in others' lives.

#307
I think it's great.

#308
Hey, if you're making

#309
a documentary

#310
about Britta

#311
patting herself on the back,

#312
you're gonna need

#313
a backup battery.

#315
That is brilliant.

#316
How did he react to you

#319
Here he comes.

#321
in my family's business?

#322
Holy war.

#324
I'm Mr. Britta.

#325
That's right,

#326
I'm a woman with rights.

#328
Oh, I get it, because

#331
I love women.

#333
vibe from you.

#340
Raising him means

#341
letting him follow dreams.

#343
You don't know that.

#345
So is polio.

#346
You lost me.

#347
Abed wants to study film.

#350
He says we're leaving.

#351
Tell him you wanna stay

#352
and study film.

#353
I don't think

#354
I'm really in the scene.

#355
See? It's hard to talk

#356
to him before.

#359
Hey. Hey.

#360
Don't touch me.

#362
Shut up. Stop.

#363
Sir, you have a right

#364
to your faith

#365
and your family's privacy

#369
Yeah.

#371
Fine.

#372
You want to raise him?

#373
You raise him, I'm out.

#375
I had a father like you.

#376
And the day

#377
I finally cut myself loose

#378
is the day

#380
That went well.

#382
to my film.

#383
Jeff, I think you should play

#384
the role of my father.

#386
It's perfect.

#388
[♪♪♪]

#389
Why are you dressed

#390
like an '80s rapist?

#391
Professor Whitman

#394
celebrating life.

#396
I am calculating Abed's

#397
expenses for this semester.

#398
There's books, there's meals,

#399
he's renting that camera.

#400
He needs

#401
a little spending money.

#402
Um, all money

#403
is spending money.

#404
Oh, Britta, it's amazing

#405
what you're doing for Abed.

#406
I mean, a lot of people

#407
talk a good game.

#408
But you, you follow through.

#409
I love you.

#410
Shirley, thank you.

#411
Bet that doesn't happen

#412
to you a lot.

#415
Hillary, thank you

#416
for getting people coffee.

#417
I love you.

#420
Good, my film

#421
is coming together.

#422
Cool tie, Jeff.

#423
Are you wearing that

#424
because you're playing

#425
the role of my dad,

#427
Definitely Christmas.

#430
but it lets me adjust

#431
really specific settings

#433
or think about.

#434
Hi, I would like a latte,

#435
and Jeff,

#436
let me get you something.

#438
Oh, come on, I got you.

#441
You're insulting me.

#442
Look at all this cash.

#444
black coffee.

#445
Boo. An ordinary coffee

#446
for an ordinary life.

#447
Good morning,

#448
Professor Whitman.

#449
Sorry, Mr. Winger,

#450
these won't cut it.

#453
A birthday cake.

#454
[SNEEZES

#455
IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]

#456
[CROWD LAUGHING]

#457
I've seen men

#465
I can help you

#466
with your image.

#468
you look like

#472
When I was a CEO,

#473
I had an array

#477
shock-the-room-

#478
into-silence sneeze.

#480
[SNIFFS]

#482
you know.

#483
[PANTING]

#484
You know,

#493
Tell me more.

#494
[♪♪♪]

#495
It's show time.

#496
JEFF:

#498
Good morning, sir.

#499
Good morning, Greendale.

#500
Hi, good morning.

#501
Watch the kite. Uh-oh.

#504
Thanks, you guys,

#507
that was really fun.

#509
of these girls,

#510
unwittingly creepy.

#511
Damn it.

#512
Beat it. Professor.

#513
Will you look

#517
Had I not already cried

#518
at the sunrise this morning,

#519
I would be weeping

#520
right now.

#522
What do you mean, Jeff?

#523
What does your life mean?

#524
How long does it take you

#525
in the morning

#526
to make it look like

#527
you have bed-head?

#528
How many sweatpants-

#529
sports jacket combos

#530
did you try before you found

#531
the one that said,

#532
"I don't care?"

#533
Seize the day, Jeff.

#534
For real.

#535
Go running naked

#536
in a hail storm.

#537
Kiss a girl

#538
in the middle of the day.

#539
Fly a kite,

#540
but do it for yourself.

#541
Or you won't just fail

#542
my class,

#543
you'll fail life.

#544
[♪♪♪]

#545
Thank you.

#548
Drop the flower.

#550
about Abed.

#555
Ask him.

#560
the role of his mother.

#561
Abed is not normal.

#562
That's what you bought

#563
when you intentionally

#564
tangled yourself in his life.

#567
I've got problems of my own.

#568
I'm out here trying

#569
to seize a day.

#570
[♪♪♪]

#573
Thanks for the pizza, Abed,

#574
I was starving.

#575
Yeah, it's nice,

#576
like a picnic.

#577
Or a family dinner.

#582
[BRITTA CLEARS THROAT]

#583
So, Abed.

#585
Good.

#589
Not really.

#595
Your movie is for class.

#597
La-la-la.

#599
I got that.

#600
No, you don't got it.

#601
I got it, Abed.

#602
I got everything.

#604
All I want to do

#605
is take care of you.

#606
I know you're not stupid,

#608
Why won't you answer me?

#609
This is the scene

#610
where you leave.

#612
Britta.

#613
What do you think, Dad?

#615
Abed.

#616
And I think

#618
[♪♪♪]

#619
Perfect. That's a wrap.

#621
[DOOR OPENS]

#623
Hey.

#625
for Ravi Shankar, do you?

#626
I lied to get you here

#627
because it's time

#628
to communicate.

#629
Communicate?

#630
Have you met Abed?

#633
Hey, wait a minute.

#635
They're coming.

#636
Now, the only reason

#638
is because both of you

#639
wanted the best for Abed.

#640
And I think the lesson

#642
is that everyone

#643
should always do

#644
whatever they want,

#645
and leave each other

#646
out of it.

#647
Is that your take?

#648
Let me give you mine.

#649
You and your

#650
pillow-lipped girlfriend

#655
when you found out

#657
and guided missiles.

#658
Interesting. I hadn't seen

#659
the Iraq metaphor.

#661
about your speeches

#663
Got it.

#665
is sorry, right?

#667
Crap.

#668
Abed may not be

#669
a great filmmaker

#670
but that doesn't mean

#672
You need to let him

#673
make his own decisions.

#677
You have no--

#681
Dad.

#682
[MUSIC PLAYS

#683
OVER COMPUTER]

#684
[CHILDREN GIGGLING]

#687
[BABY CRIES]

#690
Hey, look. I need to talk

#691
to you about Abed.

#692
JEFF:

#693
He's not normal.

#694
[BABY CRYING]

#695
BRITTA:

#696
What is wrong with you?

#697
All I want to do

#698
is take care of you.

#699
Why will you not answer me?

#700
[HORSE NEIGHS]

#701
[BEEPING]

#702
[EKG FLATLINING]

#703
ABED:

#704
What do you think, Dad?

#705
JEFF:

#707
And I think

#708
the wrong person just left.

#709
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS

#710
OVER COMPUTER]

#712
[ABED'S DAD SOBS]

#713
[♪♪♪]

#714
[IN ARABIC]

#716
I feel a little out

#717
of the loop here.

#723
be understood,

#725
[MOUTHS WORDS]

#726
[MOUTHING]

#727
I made all this happen.

#730
Yeah?

#731
Did you do all of that to me

#732
on purpose?

#733
That's not a very nice way

#734
to treat your friends.

#735
Well, Britta,

#736
it isn't called

#737
friend business,

#738
it's called show business.

#741
[♪♪♪]

#742
Get your hand off

#743
of my knee.

#744
[SNEEZES LOUDLY]

#745
God-- God bless you.

#747
Thank you.

#750
getting involved,

#751
well, I owe you.

#752
You owe me?

#753
That can not be

#754
comfortable for you.

#755
Hey, um--

#756
You should kiss me right now.

#757
[♪♪♪]

#758
Day seized!

#760
[WHITMAN LAUGHS]

#761
A plus, Winger.

#763
when I see one. Wowee!

#764
[LAUGHING]

#765
Yeah.

#766
Fooled you.

#767
[♪♪♪]

#768
Am I krumping?

#769
No.

#771
No.

#773
No.

#775
[HIP-HOP MUSIC

#776
PLAYING ON STEREO]

#778
No, you're not.

#779
Hit it!

#780
♪ Bang, bang, bang

#781
Bang, bang, bang ♪

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