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Season 1, Episode 5 — Advanced Criminal Law

#3
reminding you

#4
that among your school's

#5
prestigious alumni

#6
is Mr. Luis Guzmán.

#7
Celebrated actor and model

#8
Puerto Rican-American.

#9
This Friday,

#10
we will be dedicating

#11
a statue of Guzmán,

#12
and unveiling

#13
our brand-new school song.

#15
but this sure feels like

#16
a real college to me.

#18
Greendale, Greendale,

#19
Greendale.

#20
[EXPLOSION OVER SPEAKERS]

#22
How is student life,

#23
my dry-witted friend?

#26
but less tragic

#28
Very dry, very witty,

#29
not a great friend.

#30
Listen, I wanted to ask you

#31
about that young lady

#32
in your Spanish class.

#33
You know, the blond

#34
with the pouty,

#35
strident

#36
Cate Blanchett sexuality

#37
and the ridiculous name.

#39
That's it. That's it.

#40
Imagine living with that.

#42
Anyway, um,

#43
are you two an item?

#44
And if so, would that item

#45
be impervious to sabotage?

#46
You know, you have

#53
M*A*S*H.

#54
Fawlty Towers, game over.

#55
Have a nice day.

#56
You think Luis Guzmán

#61
The Cowboy Way,

#63
Yeah. Luis Guzmán is on

#64
a private jet from Hollywood

#65
because he can't wait to have

#66
that conversation with you.

#68
Because he called me

#69
on my cell phone.

#71
call you?

#73
No.

#74
I'm President Obama's nephew.

#76
I didn't know

#77
if I could trust you,

#78
but now it's time

#79
to tell you everything.

#80
Starting with me inventing

#81
the Ferrari.

#82
So I guess

#83
the cell phone number

#84
you put on the study group's

#85
contact sheet was fake.

#86
Which I just learned

#87
in the awkward conclusion

#88
of a month-long

#89
text-message affair

#91
Sorry.

#92
That's okay.

#93
Give me your number.

#94
I'll cleanse my palate

#95
while Kevin

#96
rethinks his marriage.

#98
not to use it in any

#100
Uh-- Pass.

#101
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

#103
My name's Alex, dude.

#107
I'm sure you wanna know

#108
how you did.

#112
What is that?

#114
okay? That's all it is.

#115
A tiny piece of paper

#117
covered on the test.

#118
Otherwise known

#119
as a crib sheet.

#120
Who did it, huh?

#121
Mary Ann?

#122
Grandpa?

#123
Jackée? Kumar?

#125
that does apply to me.

#126
Whoever did this

#127
insulted my honor.

#128
And they've got 24 hours

#129
to come forward

#130
or Mr. Miyagi here

#133
Except you, Toby.

#134
[THE 88'S "AT LEAST

#135
IT WAS HERE" PLAYING]

#137
♪ I should stay ♪

#138
The only difference

#140
is that I know

#141
who Señor Chang is.

#142
You hear him

#143
call me Jackée

#144
like I'm some

#145
black female caricature?

#146
If the good Lord

#147
hadn't been watching,

#148
I'd have slapped him

#149
upside the head.

#151
Flattering,

#152
but if I'm gonna cheat,

#154
from a book onto paper.

#156
for God's sake.

#158
wasn't a real cheater,

#159
just insecure and naive.

#160
I may be naive,

#161
but I'm not stupid.

#162
Well, I may be stupid,

#163
but I'm not trying

#164
to look like I'm not.

#165
Well, I may be a genius,

#166
but I'm not a lesbian.

#167
[SCOFFS]

#168
BRITTA:

#169
Who cares who made it?

#170
The only real cheater

#171
is the guy

#172
who's threatening

#173
everyone with a zero.

#181
Ew. No.

#184
Well, I guess that's

#185
your fault, isn't it?

#186
It is?

#188
and songwriter

#189
sitting three feet

#190
away from you.

#191
I wrote the jingle

#193
I would've done your song

#194
for free.

#195
Smooth move, Metamucil.

#197
Troy invented rap music.

#199
and Obama.

#200
Abed, have you been racist

#201
this whole time

#203
at church

#204
what a sweet

#206
Hey man,

#208
wasn't true.

#209
I was just messing.

#210
You were lying?

#211
Yeah, as a joke.

#212
You never had somebody

#213
mess with you before?

#214
Yes, just kidding.

#215
No, like that?

#216
This isn't a table.

#217
Ha-ha-ha!

#218
That's funny.

#219
Remember when we used

#220
to study Spanish?

#221
[♪♪♪]

#223
Yo.

#224
I talked to the dean

#225
and he said you can write

#227
That's more like it.

#229
is this Friday,

#230
so you have to have it

#231
it done by then.

#233
If that's not enough time--

#234
No. You really

#237
Great.

#238
There's a piano

#239
in the rehearsal space

#240
and I'll help you out

#241
however I can.

#243
I know!

#244
So this is

#246
to be an adult

#247
and face la música

#249
No.

#250
You've got 10 seconds,

#251
starting now.

#252
[♪♪♪]

#253
No!

#254
I've never gotten

#255
a zero before.

#257
Britta?

#258
Wow. You really took

#260
How dare you

#261
terrorize a class

#263
It's not easy

#264
to get human beings

#265
to turn on each other.

#266
Turn on her.

#267
[STUDENTS CHATTERING]

#269
God, Britta.

#272
with a cheating,

#273
lying, poop face.

#274
Okay, time to learn

#275
some formal greetings.

#276
So wow.

#277
Yeah,

#278
I bet you're enjoying this.

#279
Yeah, well,

#282
and I was here.

#286
What do you think

#287
they're gonna do to me?

#289
an ice cream.

#290
Hi, Dean Pelton.

#291
Quite an entrance

#292
I got to make there.

#293
You would be Britta Perry?

#295
And I'm afraid Greendale

#296
takes this kind of thing

#297
very seriously.

#299
Your case will be reviewed

#300
by disciplinary tribunal

#301
tomorrow in Borchart Hall.

#304
There is an Olympic-sized

#305
pool there, yes.

#306
But we will be next to it,

#307
using its

#308
$6000 judge's table.

#309
Uh, is she allowed

#310
to have counsel?

#311
I mean, I may not be

#314
I'm Alan Dershowitz.

#315
Oh. Okay, ouch.

#316
If you'd like,

#317
you may represent her.

#318
Dean you later.

#319
I'm not gonna sit

#320
while some hokey tribunal

#321
gets its jollies judging me.

#323
follow my lead,

#324
and deny everything,

#325
you'll walk.

#327
I get it.

#330
and send me into fits

#331
of grateful arousal.

#332
I can neither confirm

#333
nor deny that.

#334
See how good I am?

#335
Hey, Troy, did you hear?

#336
All dogs are blue now.

#337
Every single dog in the world

#338
is blue.

#339
[LAUGHS]

#341
Yeah. I know.

#345
Okay.

#350
Secondly,

#353
in your face, okay?

#355
Yeah?

#357
Okay.

#359
between believable and--

#361
It's a notepad.

#363
It's probably Arabic.

#364
[♪♪♪]

#365
[ABED BABBLING]

#367
this disciplinary tribunal

#368
at our state-of-the-art

#369
judge's table.

#370
Which has its own built-in

#371
sound system.

#372
So take that, Yale.

#374
Dean Craig Pelton.

#375
Professor Ian Duncan.

#376
Professor Ben Chang.

#377
Uh, no, you're a teacher,

#378
you're not a professor.

#379
Well, maybe because

#383
Gentlemen, point of order.

#384
How can Señor Chang

#385
be one of the judges?

#388
as your drinking buddy.

#389
DUNCAN:

#390
Oh, got me.

#393
And I go both ways.

#394
Oh, let's strike that.

#395
LaShonda,

#396
can we please strike that?

#397
I am impartial,

#398
so it should all work out.

#399
Okay, let's begin.

#402
Okay, just keep it

#403
up, Frost/Nixon.

#409
Oh, with great pleasure.

#410
It was a Tuesday,

#411
uh, crack of dawn, 5:58 a.m.

#412
I got up,

#413
I took my morning deuce.

#414
I made a breakfast

#415
consisting of--

#416
♪ Greendale, Greendale ♪

#417
♪ Slop pail-- ♪

#420
[SIGHS]

#421
Hi. I'm almost done.

#422
Oh, good.

#423
You can tell the dean

#424
you will have a song

#425
that'll make the devil

#426
poop God's pants.

#427
That's exciting.

#428
Mind if I hear

#430
Well, yeah, sure, I, uh--

#431
I'll probably open

#433
[PLAYS PIANO]

#437
You know,

#439
I'm just a little worried.

#440
I keep hearing

#441
the same two notes.

#443
a Chinese takeout menu.

#444
A musician sees music

#445
in everything, Annie.

#446
I mean, it could be--

#447
♪ Moo shu pork ♪

#448
♪ Squab with lettuce ♪

#449
You see?

#450
I mean, it just comes out.

#452
right now.

#455
cosmic womb of creativity.

#456
And when this baby

#457
starts kicking,

#458
I cannot be responsible

#459
for your sanity. Ha.

#460
I know it sounds funny,

#462
[PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC]

#464
You know, like on stage?

#465
Playing you out, okay?

#467
[CONTINUES PLAYING]

#468
Then she yelled, "Screw you."

#469
Or, "Screw education."

#470
Or something like that. Then

#471
she stormed out of the room

#472
in her high-heel boots

#473
like it was tampon time.

#475
Objection.

#480
Now, are those

#481
the high-heel boots?

#483
Are they comfortable?

#486
Miss Perry,

#489
She confessed.

#490
She confessed

#491
to protect her classmates

#493
to flunk everyone.

#495
Oh. Shut your pompous vortex

#496
of overlapping fangs.

#498
is not on trial.

#501
Well, it certainly--

#503
that this young lady's

#504
only crime

#505
is being a hero

#509
And we're back.

#510
Objection.

#511
My client did not cheat.

#512
Yes, I did.

#513
Yes, she did.

#514
But why?

#515
That's the real question,

#516
isn't it?

#520
Five minute recess?

#521
No, no. There's nothing

#522
in the bylaws

#523
about recesses, all right?

#527
time out.

#529
[ABED BEEPING]

#530
ABED:

#531
Beginning transmission.

#533
male bonding.

#539
5'10" in height--

#540
TROY:

#541
What are you doing?

#545
standing there?

#547
Yes.

#549
You got me.

#552
Yeah, you did.

#553
[ABED MAKES BEEPING SOUND]

#557
I don't like the fact

#559
like you're better than me,

#567
But you shouldn't be.

#568
What are you

#569
doing out there?

#570
You know I have a problem

#571
with dishonesty.

#572
You're on trial for cheating.

#573
Fine. Look, we'll be fine.

#574
I just have go back out there

#575
and make the case

#576
that you're a good person.

#577
You don't know that.

#580
You said it yourself.

#582
my friend.

#583
Wait a minute, wait.

#584
Is that-- Is that

#585
what you thought I meant?

#586
Britta, look at me.

#587
Look at me.

#588
I am.

#589
No, look how handsome

#590
my face is.

#591
If all I wanted was sex,

#592
I could get it

#593
from plenty of women

#594
without having

#595
to go through all this crap.

#596
I'm here because I like you.

#597
And I'd-- I'd be psyched

#598
to be your friend.

#599
I didn't wanna take sex

#600
off the table

#601
without doing

#602
my due diligence.

#604
Well, why wouldn't you?

#605
I don't know. I guess

#610
on the floor

#611
because I wanted

#612
to get caught at it.

#613
I'm so used to

#616
it over with.

#617
Wait.

#618
I think we have our defense.

#620
What?

#621
[MURMURING INDISTINCTLY]

#622
[♪♪♪]

#623
Gentlemen,

#624
I'm sure you suspected

#626
before the recess.

#627
But if you could've heard

#628
all the stuff

#630
you would realize

#631
she is all the way out

#632
of her entire damn mind.

#634
because she doesn't think

#635
she can.

#636
So she goes out of her way

#637
to fail.

#638
That's crazy.

#639
But do we really

#640
wanna make it a crime

#641
to be crazy at Greendale?

#642
I mean, look at us.

#644
about status

#646
schools make fun of.

#647
Dean, you want so bad

#650
of electrocution.

#652
is nuts.

#654
Oh, come on, Leonard.

#656
put on a bathing suit.

#657
Busted.

#658
[LAUGHS]

#659
If you wanna rehabilitate

#660
your fellow inmate,

#661
you need to sentence her

#662
to staying here with us.

#663
Because if crazy people

#664
can't be at Greendale,

#666
[SNIFFS]

#672
psychological counseling

#678
BOTH: Aye.

#680
Wait. What?

#681
That just happened.

#682
[♪♪♪]

#683
[MAN BABBLING]

#684
MAN [OVER SPEAKER]:

#685
Greetings, Abed.

#687
Greetings, commander.

#688
Tell me about

#689
the one they call Troy.

#690
Well, he is rather arrogant

#691
and has no mercy

#692
for weaker beings.

#694
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

#695
I'm not an alien.

#696
[LAUGHS]

#697
I never thought you were.

#698
But this is insane, okay?

#699
Those are credible

#700
alien hand movements.

#702
I'm pretty sure

#703
you rented a green screen.

#705
It would be less creepy

#706
if you were

#707
actually an alien.

#709
No. It--

#710
From now on, Abed,

#711
friends don't mess

#712
with each other.

#714
Cool, cool. Bang-bang.

#715
[BABBLING]

#717
He knows.

#718
[WHIMPERING]

#719
You're getting

#720
a little sloppy.

#722
I've got it.

#723
[PLAYING]

#724
♪ Greendale, Greendale

#725
Little star ♪

#726
Oh.

#727
I can't--

#728
Reject.

#729
I'm a fraud, Annie.

#730
I'm no more of a songwriter

#731
than you or Billy Joel.

#732
But what about

#734
Oh, yeah, yeah.

#735
Sure, the whole thing.

#736
You wanna hear it? Here.

#737
[PLAYING]

#738
♪ You'll be wiping off

#740
♪ Hawthorne Wipes ♪

#741
♪ You'll be wiping off

#742
That mustard with our wipes ♪

#743
♪ At the picnic ♪

#746
I know. I steal everything.

#747
You backed the wrong horse.

#749
Pierce, you're musical.

#750
You're creative,

#751
you can do this.

#752
I believe in you.

#753
Well, you shouldn't. I quit.

#754
You listen up, Pierce.

#756
my mother told me

#757
when I wanted

#760
you have no boobs,

#762
to save your life,

#765
Pierce.

#766
Stuff your bra,

#767
get ready for team bus

#769
because life is tough.

#770
But we soldier on,

#772
[♪♪♪]

#774
"The way it goes."

#775
That's it.

#776
One, two, Luis Guzmán. Oh!

#778
MAN: All right, Luis.

#779
PELTON:

#781
Don't talk to me for a while.

#782
No problem.

#784
I'd like to introduce

#786
who's written Greendale

#787
its own school song.

#788
Pierce, okay.

#789
Thank you, dean, thank you.

#790
This song goes out to Annie

#791
for believing in me.

#792
[PIANO PLAYING

#793
"THE WAY IT IS"]

#794
♪ Standing

#795
In the bookstore line ♪

#796
♪ Waiting for the bell

#797
To chime ♪

#798
♪ So you can go to class ♪

#800
♪ Taking

#801
Air conditioner repair ♪

#803
Yup.

#807
Not sure.

#809
Yeah, they got us.

#810
♪ Some things

#811
Are still the same ♪

#814
["THE WAY IT IS" PLAYING]

#815
[GASPING]

#816
How many?

#817
Thirty-six. You win.

#818
Best of three?

#819
Yeah.

#820
Ah...

#821
[GAGS]

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